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Author Topic: Anzu: A Friend From the Grave  (Read 4457 times)

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Offline Coryn

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Re: Anzu: A Friend From the Grave
« Reply #15 on: December 31, 2015, 10:53:39 PM »
very well. if that's the case go ahead and get it all out there. just try to smash as much into one post as you can.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline Manimal

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Re: Anzu: A Friend From the Grave
« Reply #16 on: February 05, 2016, 07:36:24 AM »
I read the first three chapters and I was like, "wow I read that fast alright how much more...oh my God".

I will give my thoughts on what I read while it's still fresh in my mind. That was an enjoyable read actually, I went through it very easily, I liked the very light hearted tone. Anzu has those Nanana Ryuugajou vibes...expect she's a little different not being confined to a room and all. The character of Anzu was enjoyable with her foul mouth and playful attitude, I liked the interaction between her and Giuseppe, some parts seemed a bit unnatural but I guess it was more so part of Anzu's character as a dirty ghost. The serious stuff at the end of the third chapter actually went in quite naturally since the story seems like it's built for drama and isn't just a wacky-fest. 

The first three chapters did feel kinda empty though in the sense that there wasn't a sense of environment that much since it was pretty much just two characters the whole time but I suppose that is jut the way to introduce them. I assume you add more characters as the story goes on? That would make it more interesting for sure. But for what I have read so far it was enjoyable and rather easy to read, I like Anzu and the general idea for the story is pretty decent, I'm guessing romantic tensions could pop up later...but for now there where actually a few cute moments. I will defiantly try to read more as it was enjoyable and each chapter is a quick read, there are so many though...I think I should copy Lego's format and do that kind of chapter by chapter as I had a lot of little things to note. I'll try that for the next ones.

Also "He'd be there, to carry that weight". Boy, you're going to carry that weight, carry that weight, a long time. Right?

Also my mental image for the character was these two.

Spoiler

Offline Ace

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Re: Anzu: A Friend From the Grave
« Reply #17 on: February 05, 2016, 09:44:57 AM »
So far I'm enjoying it alot. Being a fan of character driven stories this something I will continue reading
My theme song : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfdDse20abI
Believe in jazz. Not the jazz that I believe in. Not the jazz who believes in me. Believe in the jazz that believes in itself!

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Offline Manimal

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Re: Anzu: A Friend From the Grave
« Reply #18 on: February 05, 2016, 03:02:15 PM »
Chapter 4
Spoiler
Anzu closed her diary and made her way back home to Giuseppe's apartment. For the rest of the day, Anzu simply sat and watched tv, but her mind was unable to escape the thoughts of her past, her mother, and her father. Right on the hour, Giuseppe returned home at 7:00 PM, staggering into the house and clumsily closing the door before falling onto the floor.
- Jeez that was a pretty heavy intro, maybe I was wrong about the light hearted part...still I thought it was fairly well written and easy to go through the big blocks of text.

Giuseppe: Yepper dapper doo! Don't worry about it though, this time it wasn't with some cute girl that ended up being a cute transvestite. I mean, he had a penis but it was my co-worker.
- and we go right back to the wacky antics! Ha that was a quick change from serious to comedic!

Giuseppe: Oh god I f*cking hate you, you sly bitch.
-Jeez, seems like this guy dramatically changes when he's drunk. He become completely unlikable fast! Ha ha. I feel like this reply was a little over dramatic for what she did.

Anzu turned the water back on and Giuseppe rinsed off his face. Anzu handed him a brown town to dry with, and Giuseppe felt like a new man from that one wash.
- Bronw town? I think you mean towel ha ha.

Giuseppe: I'm sorry it took so long, Anzu. But I owe you these brownies, don't I?
- Is he still drunk? Ha, seem like he had another mood swing.

Anzu: What's so funny?! Are my nipples sticking out of my shirt or something? I didn't have a bra when I woke up you know!
- Anzu = Kajou Ayame

Giuseppe came back with a professional camera in his hands, already recording a frantic Anzu who raced to hide herself from the camera and wipe her mouth clean.

Giuseppe: Smile for the camera, beautiful!
- Can he take pictures of a ghost no one but him can see? I imagine a camera would pick up nothing.

Anzu: Don't make me run to a cop with my diary butt naked and scream that you raped me!
- Again it's starting to seem like Anzu isn't a ghost anymore, if Giuseppe said something like "you're a ghost etc. etc." then it'd make sense but I know she's trying to be playful but the whole ghost elelment seems to be lost in this part.

This chapter was alright but some of the dialogue felt unnatural and the ghost rules where kind of bent. Giuseppe's character also changed pretty dramatically from when he came home to later. Watch consistency!

Chapter 5
Spoiler
Giuseppe: So you're a fan of the moon too? It really doesn't get enough love these days. Now it's all about the setting sun and other cheesy romantic crap.
-The rabid moon fandom?

Anzu: Fine, I'll blow you. Right here, right now. Get your pants off!
- I'm beginning to think Anzu is a figment of Giuseppe's imagination...I know she's just being playful but she's really coming off as a fantasy.

Giuseppe: Yeah, sorry about the derailment. You said you tried to kill yourself, right?
- Yow, that was a quick tone switch!

The room filled with a sudden yell of pain from Giuseppe. It seems Anzu's prediction came true. The knife hit hard against Giuseppe's fingers, cracking his nails and slicing the skin around them.
- Ow!

Anzu: Oh god, do you want me to breastfeed you too?
- Okay not even Kajou would say that, Anzu's even more extreme.

Masato threw Anzu by the hair, into a mirror that leaned against the wall, shattering the glass and cutting Anzu's cheek and forehead.
- Yikes dude. I know you want to give her a tragic back story but um...it's kinda jarring going from Anzu offering blow jobs and breast feeding to extreme child abuse. It feels a little awkward, I know stuff like this is meant to make the reader feel uneasy but this is a little jarring.

Anzu: I guess I'm mostly bothered by the fact that my father.......looked happy. It was the same smile he'd give me when I was a little girl yanking at his hair. It was the smile I had missed for so long, Giuseppe. But he was smiling because he finally got rid of me. There was no more Anzu for him.
- Dude, whoa.

Yikes man that was an emotional roller coaster. If Anzu committed suicide I feel that would be more realistic but the father stuff kind of took it over the top for me personally. I dunno.

Chapter 6
Spoiler
Anzu: Awww....So you don't wanna ravage her ass while I cradle your balls from behind?
- and we're right back to this!

Giuseppe: Don't tell me you're a squirter....

Anzu: Sure am!
-

Like a furious strike of lighting, Myu rushed out of the kitchen with a giant, bloodied meat cleaver in her hands and unleashed her fury on Giuseppe's poor soul.

Myu: Now you listen here! Order something from this god damn menu and I'll cook it better than your wife ever could for you, you son of a bitch! Don't you ever joke about giving my competitors time instead of me!
- Okay this scene was pretty funny!

Myu softly placed her hand on the diary, not believing for a second that it truly belonged to Anzu. But the moment she made physical contact with it, she was able to see and hear Anzu, who still stood with tears in her eyes, though they were tears of embarrassment from Giuseppe making fun of her writing. There she was, she still looked the same as she did years ago. Her hair, hey eyes, and the unmistakable mild freckling around her nose and under her eyes.

Myu: Anzu....I can't believe what I'm seeing!
- The diary idea is kinda cool here, good to finally have another character in the cast. But really if I was Myu I might defecate in my pants after seeing you know....a ghost!

Anzu: Yeah. I'm so glad she was able to see me. I finally reunited with her.
- I can't help but feel that scene was a little underwhelming. I mean Myu is seeing her friend who has been dead for 3 years. You know a normal person might absolutely break down or something. Myu took it a little too well I think.

Well, this chapter was alright but I feel the tone is going all over the place. In the present it's very light hearted but with the past it's like the most dark edgy thing. It seems like a bit of an overload. I like the idea of this story but I feel these chapters could use some work. You should watch and make sure you don't take your jokes too far. I like dirty comedies like Shimoneta and Seitokai Yakuindomo but those shows where dirty with a purpose. Anna's extreme lust in Shimoneta is pretty funny. She literally tries to rape Okuma multiple times, the first time is the most extreme but she gets progressively more wild as it goes on. That is funny because she starts as a perfect pure girl but turns into a sexually frustrated beast. It works because it shows Okuma that a perfect and pure girl just doesn't exist and it's a social commentary on false perceptions of girls that anime can give.

A lot of these jokes are just wildly dirty to out do what you've written before, like Anzu has to keep one upping herself my saying more and more graphic stuff. I mean the dirty stuff is funny sometimes but you should keep on eye on that and make sure you don't overplay. 

So from these chapters I would say just make sure you don't overboard. You lay on the sexual jokes and dark backstories very heavy, I think you might want to tone it down a bit as to not make it so jarring. Again I like the idea of this story, ghost girl on a quest to figure out her past, but I think you should work on keeping the tone in check.
« Last Edit: February 05, 2016, 03:06:28 PM by Manimal »

Offline OhGodHelpMe

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Re: Anzu: A Friend From the Grave
« Reply #19 on: February 06, 2016, 01:46:26 AM »
I'm surprised you blew through that many chapters  :clapping: And yeah, I couldn't miss an opportunity to throw in a Beatles reference (Abbey Road is a masterpiece)

Thanks for the feedback so far, you've given me a lot of useful points, especially about the mood.

It may not be obvious, but one thing about Anzu is that you shouldn't take the wild things she says at face value, because she most likely doesn't mean them. She just enjoys saying outrageous things for the sake of saying outrageous things. She's just a weird child. Maybe that was her way of coping with her life, who knows  :noidea: I wrote her and sometimes I can't figure her out

Offline Manimal

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Re: Anzu: A Friend From the Grave
« Reply #20 on: February 06, 2016, 08:28:09 AM »
It was easy to get through. Ya man, I knew it. Abbey Road is the best final record a band could hope for. But anyway! Ya I took Anzu's childish playful comments as a coping mechanism and that's fine, I just feel there was too much, especially at once. I didn't think it was awkward it was more...unnecessary. Especially when she lists the various ways to have a threesome with Myu. I was just like "alright". I like perverted female protagonists especially because they're still not as common as perverted male protagonists, but like I said you just gotta make sure you don't overplay.


Offline legomaestro

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Re: Anzu: A Friend From the Grave
« Reply #21 on: February 07, 2016, 04:57:36 PM »
Chapter 1 - 25
Chapter 1
I seem to have lost my notes on chapter 1 in my foolishness, but I remember it being a great introduction to the story, putting all the characters into play nicely and having some great descriptions for the scenes. It drew me into the next chapter for sure.

 
Chapter 2
1-  Giuseppe: Hey, was that Smokestack Lightning just now?

Anzu: Oh, yeah! I'm starting to get into all the bluesy stuff, Howlin' Wolf especially. But don't change the subject! Tell me how your day was!
- I'm curious about listening to some of these bands. Could be something to try out when I have the chance.

2.
Giuseppe: I just wanna die. Go away and let me sink into the fires of hell.

Anzu: You're not going anywhere until you come up with something! Now get up off your ass!
- Haha that's funny

3. Giuseppe: Maybe you were kidnapped by a group of old men with foot fetishes and tickled to death with a feather!
- Oh man hahaha

4. Anzu suddenly got and up in freight and yelled.
*fright

5.
Anzu: You're asking for a mighty fist f*cking if you're gonna sit here and tell me I'm not amazing! Just say it! Anzu is the bees knees!
- The vulgarity is amazing

6. Anzu closed her eyes tightly, still keeping hand hand over her mouth. Like a long dead friend coming back for a drink, her memories about her father seemed to be piecing together. She couldn't decide whether she should be feeling anger, sadness, or longing. So, instead, she began to cry. It was the first time Giuseppe had ever seen the usually energetic Anzu cry. It occurred to him just how lonely Anzu's existence had been these past 3 years, for nobody could hear her laugh, sing, or even cry. Giuseppe embraced her as she wept, trying his best to comfort her.
- sad

7. Anzu: Do you wanna share my Mochi with me?

Giuseppe: Of course, I haven't had some in a while!

Anzu: Okay but leave the strawberry ones for me! I love strawberries!

Giuseppe: Whatever you say, princess.

And now, they were back inside the church.

- I like how the scene transitions don't take too much time and get straight to the point of the story. It helps not having to worry about how long it takes to get to the next bit of the story. It's great that you can show  slice of life in little forms like food being eaten and the like.

8. Giuseppe: I think you consume too much Western media. That stuff will kill your brain cells.
- Hahahaha I say that about some japanese shows, and now realize they must think the exact same thing about american ones

9. Anzu: Can we? I'm starving. Natto and a fried egg on rice sounds delicious right about now.
- Does Natto actually taste good I wonder?

10. It was another beautiful day for Giuseppe and Anzu, a great day to have a late breakfast, and a chat with a friend. Though she was dead, Anzu felt as if she was very much alive. And now, she understood what it feels like to have someone to count on.
- Though it is mainly dialogue focused the narrative voice of the story is also well done. You have a nice balance of dialogue and narration here. For a second chapter you did quite well getting into the story development and then levelling it off with more food eating scenes and the like. I enjoyed it, nicely done.


Chapter 3
1. Some days are exciting and easy to get into, providing us with great times, laughter, and memories. Other days are seemingly endless loops of continuous boredom until the person experiencing it feels the urge to jump off of a bridge. Such was this day for Anzu and Giuseppe. Anzu took up her responsibilities, and with nothing better to do, began to clean around the house. She tied back her hair and began wiping the floor, cleaning the dishes, and wiping all of the glass in the house. Meanwhile, Giuseppe laid on the couch watching television, looking half asleep and half suicidal. Anzu was tired of Giuseppe being so lazy today, and stood in front of the tv with her hands on her hip and an angry expression on her face.

- I know the feeling.

2. Anzu: Why are you such a sh*t shark? There's things to do around the house AND it's a beautiful day outside. So get up! The mirrors need to be cleaned, the counters need to be wiped, and the toilet needs to be scrubbed!
- S - shark. I don't think I've ever heard that one before


3.
Anzu: Oh my god, I did! I remember sitting on top of the sink naked and-

Giuseppe: Yeah, there's no need to go any further than that.

- Wow


4. Anzu: Snow is beautiful! I don't know what people have against cold weather! It's much better than warm weather if you ask me. Fall and Winter are just so nice, you know?

- Agreed


5.Giuseppe: Because he was a scumbag who never loved me and took the one person on this earth that ever did. Nobody has cared about me since she was taken. At the very least, he can go to and apologize to her.
* Go and apologize to her

6.Giuseppe: "It's like you have a bag of doggy treats where your brain should be". Nobody would be able to see you but me.
- Nice return.

7. Giuseppe did not answer here, he simply looked at her and put his finger on his lip, signaling to her that he can't speak to her while there are still people on the street.
- Usually that happens in lots of stories for comedic effect, but it shows a certain level of smartness that is welcoming to see.

8.Giuseppe entered the liquor store first , followed by Anzu. Anzu was amazed at the collection of beers, malts, and varying kinds of wine. Giuseppe browsed the shelves for a suitable drink for his alcohol needs.
- Really want to try out sake at a point.

8. Giuseppe: Well, it varies from place to place. It can be relatively simple or really complex. It usually isn't just grapes though, it's a mixture of different kinds of fruits and produce. You have to cut them up, bust the skin, bruise the produce, all sorts of stuff. Than you have to stir all of it, mix it with yeast and let it all ferment, which converts the natural sugars of the fruit and produce into ethanol and carbon dioxide. There's a whole lot of natural bacterial and molecular processes that have to take place before you can even start cold stabilization and bulk aging of the wine.

- That sounds quite legit and researched. Awesome.

9. Giuseppe: Good lord them titties! How did you do it!?

Anzu's expression was smug and proud.

Anzu: Oh you know, drinking lots of milk.

- What am I reading now hahaha



10. Giuseppe sighed, regretting his decision to let a 17 year old girl have alcohol. Regardless, Anzu and Giuseppe went back to the church, walking along the dirt path leading up to the church as the snow still fell gently onto the earth. The church was filled with ambient and dull indirect light from the outside, so much so the light piercing through the colored window panels didn't extend past the window sills. Giuseppe and Anzu stepped inside and closed the door, rubbing their arms to stay warm from the cold.

- Watanabe Schinichiro would do this justice. Or that anime 5 centimeters per second. Visuals would really make this come alive in a great way. Really enjoying reading this.


11. Anzu: Okay, let's see. Dear Diary. Mom doesn't want me. She can't want me. She doesn't seem bothered at all that she might not ever see me again. I wanted to tell her I loved her, but that I also hated her. I hate her for making it all look so easy, so simple. She didn't cry a single tear, and I could hardly keep my eyes open. I might not see her or my sister again, and I still can't stop crying. I don't like our apartment, I miss living in the house with my mom and sister. It's cold here, it's small, and my dad just stays in his room all day. I prayed all night for the past 18 nights, but god never answered me and still let my family get torn apart. But I just want to know why. Just the "why" part would be enough. But nobody talks to me. Nobody tries to heal the real victims in all of this; me and my sister. Without each other and without our parents together. I'm going to stop praying. It doesn't work anyway.

- It took me a ludicrously long time to discover that divorces really do legitimately happen. A crazy thing to say, but it's just like how when Game of Thrones came out I felt so infruirated with how villainy is rewarded and works and found myself saying 'Nobody is that evil in real life!' before thinking clearly about it. I think theres also that thing where written words just can't capture the actual long haul during such crappy stuff. Poor Anzu.


12.
Anzu: Dear Diary. When I went to knock on Dad's door, he just told me to go away. Itsounded like he was crying. For once, I disobeyed father and entered his room. I'll always regret it. When I tried to hold him like Mom used to when she was around, he snapped and threw me on the ground. He threw a bottle at me and scratched my head, the bleeding still hasn't stopped all the way. I cried and screamed at him to stop, but he just kept punching me and kicking me. This wasn't the most heartbreaking part of it. It wasn't until he was done and began laughing did I truly feel any pain. I don't know what happened to Dad, but I'll have to cover up my bruises and cuts before I can go back to school. I just wonder how Megumi is doing. I hope she and mom are alright, wherever they are.

- Damn


13. Otis Redding's version of A Change Is Gonna Come. Anzu rested her eyes and laid her head on the desk as the song played, but soon fell asleep. Giuseppe couldn't quite sleep knowing Anzu was still out there, so he went to go check on her, to see if she was still doing okay.
- I have heard of Otis Redding, but never listened to his stuff. I put the song on right now.
Wait I know this song! My brother sang it quite a bit. It fits quite well with the scene.


14. He'd be there, to carry that weight.

- Excellent chapter. There's even a lump in my throat!


Chapter 4
1. Anzu gently draped the hot towel over Giuseppe's face, pressing it down to ensure his pores would open. When the towel cooled, she removed it. Giuseppe's face felt as if it was breathing.
- Wait that's a legitimate trick? I must try this.

2. Anzu: You're lucky I didn't kick you in the nads! Anyway, try them! Let's see if they're good!
- She has a point

3. Giuseppe: Talk sh*t, get hit, Anzu. Talk sh*t, get hit.
- A quote for the ages .

4. Another great chapter. Really sad stuff though.



Chapter 5
1.It was another Friday, and as he always does, Giuseppe arrived home exactly at 7:00.
*did

2. Giuseppe: Nah, I'll relax at the church. Get your shoes on and let's head out.
- I wonder if Anzu could wear real clothes and have a hood up to be able to interact with people.

3. Giuseppe: Gissy Poo? No way, hell will freeze over before I ever allow you to call me Gissy Poo.
- I was wondering if he was going to let that one slide.

4.  Anzu: Oh come on, not even just this once? Do you really want to make a girl cry, Giuseppe?
- Great, now I can't read this name without thinking of gissy poo

5.
Anzu: Fine, I'll blow you. Right here, right now. Get your pants off!

Giuseppe: Do you ever listen to yourself when you say things like this??!

- What the hell...

6. Anzu: You know what....scratch that.

Giuseppe exhaled a sigh of relief.

Anzu: Just whip it out through the zipper. I won't catch any pubic hairs that way!

- I have no words

7. Giuseppe: How do you even live with such a dirty mouth!

- I wonder the same thing hahaha

8. Giuseppe: Yeah, sorry about the derailment. You said you tried to kill yourself, right?

- Sort of felt like a weird change of pace. Usually it goes off smoothly but here the switch between that and suicide felt off somehow. Maybe if a pause was added, or at least some sort of reaction from Anzu? Dunno.  It's no big problem though. These characters are crazy enough to talk like this anyways.

9. Either I would save myself from my own despair, or I would become victim to it. I declare here and now, I want to live.

-Props to you Anzu, props to you.

10. Giuseppe: What a shift in attitude! Anzu, you actually got tired of what you were going through and decided to rise above it! That's absolutely amazing.

- Agreed

11. Anzu stood up and did a remarkably stupid dance that anyone should feel ashamed of doing.

- Hahahaha wow.  Even the narrator has stepped in here to diss that dance. Hilarious.

12. I no longer wish to be constrained by my father, or haunted by my mother. I just want happiness, and I cannot be given such a thing, then I will try my hardest to take it.

- Seriously, props on the girl!

13. Giuseppe: Nope. But I'm pretty sure if I did, it would've won.

- I understood this reference!!!

14. Anzu: It was my own f*cking father! My father!

- THAT BASTARD MUST DIE

15. Giuseppe wanted to bring up what Anzu memorized last night, and what exactly happened between her and her old man.
* remembered
- and yes, the curiosity is killing me. Usually there wasn't any padding between scenes but I feel like it's being avoided darnit!  But it makes sense if Anzu is feeling torn up about it.

16. Anzu: I just remembered. Her hair looked a lot like yours. And I was always kind of jealous of her hazel eyes, but she'd always say she wished she had my blue eyes.

- Giuseppes mother, perhaps?

17. Anzu exited the car and waved goodbye as Myu drove off. She stood outside of her house for a few moments, admiring the dim glow of the streetlights that traveled down the road of the suburb, and the moon shining down from above, casting brilliantly blue light on the neighborhood and the clouds around the moon itself. She grabbed her house key and let herself in. None of the lights had been turned on, so Anzu turned on the lamp by the front door as she removed her shoes and took off her cardigan.

- Won't really comment on this again but I like the descriptions. They're quite scenic and good at evoking emotion.

18. Anzu: My father....I saw him sitting in the kitchen, drinking....and reading my diary.

Giuseppe: He read your diary?!?!

- Ah... Crap.

19. Masato: You *censored*ing ungrateful bitch. I sacrifice my whole life for you, spend my days working for you, feeding you, clothing you. I even *censored*ing named you!
- Really don't want to see what happens next.

20. Masato: If I were you, I'd get a good rope, and look for a sturdy tree.

- And hang you on it, you living scum

21. Anzu: The next thing I remember was feeling a massive and burning pain in my chest. When I opened my eyes, I saw father's hand loosening its grip on a kitchen knife that was plunged into my chest. I wonder if I felt about it in that moment as I do now in this moment....

- WHAT THE ACTUAL F

22. It looked like it was going to rain today.
- That chapter has left me reeling




Chapter 6
1. Giuseppe: I have to go visit my dad in prison and we need to get you warmer clothes, so we're gonna have to go shopping.

Anzu: Oh thank you! Let's not get too much, yeah? I'd hate to break the bank.

 - Oh, so whether she wears real life clothes or not she's just not visible then and the objects become intangible? Hmm, weird. But It's appropriate that matters of the spirit world are not so clear cut like you'd expect scientifically. I just have a curiousity about how it all works that's all.

2. Giuseppe: Whatever you want is fine with me. Also, there are some things I was hoping to add to that list. I found Satoshi's Grill, the one not too far from the school you attended. I heard that lady Myu still works there. How about you go see her?

- Ah, so not Giuseppes mom haha.


3. Giuseppe: What the hell does that have to do anything? I'm doing this for you, not to get my dick wet.

Anzu: Awww....So you don't wanna ravage her ass while I cradle your balls from behind?

- I keep on forgetting how vulgar Anzu is


4.

Giuseppe: Of course not!!!!!

Anzu: Or maybe you'd prefer if we both sucked you off, right?

Giuseppe: What on earth is wrong with you?!?!??

Anzu: Oh, I know! You want her to ride your dick while I sit on your face and moan your name so the neighbors can hear!

- What in the world


5. Anzu: Do you think I'd ejaculate ectoplasm all over your face, like, from Ghostbusters?

Giuseppe: Don't tell me you're a squirter....

Anzu: Sure am!

- This is just disturbing now...

6. Myu: What would I tell her? Just...that I lover her and I miss her sorely. I haven't forgotten about her one bit. And I'd show her my hair too! I grew it out because hers was so long when she worked here!
* loved

7. Giuseppe remembered the first time he read the title of the diary too, and his face was flushed with second-hand embarrassment.

Giuseppe: Yep, she wasn't always a good speller.

Anzu: I didn't mess the words up! I did that on purpose!

- Hilarious


8. Myu: This is a miracle! An absolute miracle1

- *!




Chapter 7
1. It was a cold day filled with white clouds that reigned frozen tears down on the land.
*rained

2. Giuseppe: You look like the bear that killed Timothy Treadwell.

- Had to google that. Poor bastard.

3. Giuseppe: It's Hell calling, saying they want their demon bitch back. Hello?

- Haha burn

4. Myu: It's not the stone age, Giuseppe. Girls flick the bean as much as guys wipe the pole.

- I'm gagging

5. Giuseppe knew that with time, he'd learn that these moments are the ones worth living for.
- If Giuseppe got any religion, it was probably from his catholic mother I suspect. Good chapter.





Chapter 8
1.
Anzu: I just gave it a handjob and it got all excited!

- Man oh man, there should be a vulgarity counter for this girl

2. Giuseppe gripped his hands together and lifted one of his legs, like a girl who had just fallen in love.

- I don't understand this gesture.

3. Anzu: I hope the man of your dreams gets you pregnant, takes you baby shopping, and then suddenly decides he wants to abort it!

- Whoa

4. Giuseppe: You can't die soon enough you rotten cunt!

- Why don't I feel catharsis at this. He murdered his mother but is repentant, while the other guy murdered Anzu and wasn't repentant. I feel sorry for Nori, but if I do that means there might be a chance to feel sorry for that scum father of Anzu, which I don't really want to do... Hmmm...



Chapter 9
1- Myu: Alright, do you want that with a side of anger, or a side of misery?

Giuseppe: Hmm...make it both.

- Hahaha

2. Anzu: To answer your question, the week has been absolutely *censored* and balls because mister Mopeface Mc*censored*ForBrains over here has daddy issues.

- *ding*

3. The ice rink was massive, allowing light from outside to pass through large, tear shaped colored windows, much like those back at the shaped.
- back at the church you mean?

4. There were komainu statues around the cemetery as well, acting as symbolic guardians of the souls of the dead.

- Great detail in explaining the scenes as always

5. Giuseppe, as he always did for her, opened the church doors for Anzu, smiling at the inside joke bound to be recited like a sacred litany.

Anzu: My my, how chivalrous of you!

- Haha, I like this line

6. There they sat, in their sacred place, under their sacred colored sunlight. Life and death united like old friends.
- Great chapter


 
Chapter 10
1. Giuseppe: If you just up and disappear, what am I supposed to do? It may sound selfish, but I don't really want you to pass on. Why can't you stay here, joke with me, laugh with me, and live with me?

- The feels

2. Oda: Pleasure to meet you, Anzu. You're very pretty. Too pretty to be related to this eyesore.

- Burn

3. Oda: Hold on tight to whatever you have right now, Giuseppe. We used to be two young men who thought we could do and endure anything in the world. In just 3 years, we both learned, in our own ways, that we were wrong. We've reached the age where life stops giving us things and starts taking them away, leaving us to figure out why all by ourselves. Now, more than ever, is the time to hang on close to the things you can't replace.

- That's some wise words if I ever heard them. Man this story is littered with gems

4. Anzu: When you masturbate, do you do it with 2 fingers, 3 fingers, or do you just stick your whole fist in there and go to town on it?
*ding*

5. Anzu: And does it sound like your stirring mac & cheese when you're rubbing it really fast? Because I get dripping wet sometimes and it makes these weird gushy sounds when I start rubbing.
*ding ding*

6. Anzu: Do you try to lick your tits when you do it too? I can actually fit mines in my mouth without having to bend my neck too far. Oh hey, and what about those big black dildos? Do you have one of those?
* ding ding ding ding ding ding!!!!*

7. Anzu: Yeah. I like the look but it may give unprofressional vibes when you're at work.

* unprofessional
 
8. Anzu: Goodnight, Gissy Poo.

The light was turned out, leaving nothing but lines of moonlight shining through the blinds. And off they went. Into their deep slumber, to be awakened by the blessed sun tomorrow.
- Oh man that nickname


Chapter 11

1. Anzu: Wooooow. That's some huge Morning Wood you got there.

- *ding*

2. Anzu: You're a cocksucking, limpdicked, full blown pussified semen queen! And you're smelly! Really really smelly!
- *ding*

3. Anzu: No help to this jerk-off! He was sleeping all morning, probably dreaming about putting his thingy in my mouth

Giuseppe: It's a natural part of being male and nothing more! Besides, don't girls discharge in their sleep sometimes?

- Oh wow. Giuseppe has joined the squad

4. Without further due, everyone served themselves some pancakes, topped with Anzu's apricot syrup.
- Further ado I think?

5. Giuseppe: Because they are out of this *censored*ing world! Holy *censored*! You are one beautiful bastard, you know that?! Come here, let me kiss you!

* Giuseppe has officially caught a case of the bad mouth

6. Kyo: Forklifts with dicks who don't have to give birth in 9 months! Now stop complaining and go *censored*ing get it done! Now!

- Even Kyo is foul mouthed haha

7. Giuseppe: Maybe when you get older, huh?

Anzu: That's not funny, Giuseppe.

- Burn

8. Kyo: That's the only thing I'm scared of being *censored*ed by! God damn colony cities! Oda, you won't work yourself to death and kill yourself, will you?!
- Colony cities?

9. Myu hugged Giuseppe and exited the vehicle, getting in her car and driving home. Giuseppe and Anzu stood and watched her drive out as the garage door closed. To Giuseppe's surprise, Anzu began to yawn.

Giuseppe: Tired?

- She can feel tired? Hmmm

10. Giuseppe: You've got a dirty mouth, a brash personality, you nag too often, you assume direct control, and you always get food all over your mouth when you eat it by the spoonful.
- Assume direct control line sounds like Mass Effect or something haha

11. Giuseppe: Go on ahead, I have to take a *censored*.

Anzu: Way to ruin the moment, cocksucker!

- *ding ding


Chapter 12
1. Giuseppe hugged Kyo as tight as he could, knowing it would be a while if they ever see each other again.

- She will be missed. I thought that Kyo an Oda would be side characters, but so far it seems that people in this story all have their interesting backstories. Good stuff.

2. All four of them stood in the living room, adorned with faint morning sunlight, and blue atmospheric light shining through the windows.

*sentence needs fixing

3. The words Oda left Giuseppe seemed to ring true. A conversation really can be enough to repair what's been broken. But it all starts when two people unclench their fists and love each other enough to take their hand.
- The feels are real

 

Chapter 13
1. Hot. Hot. Heat. Humidity. Cicadas. Hot. Sun. These were the only words flowing through Giuseppe's mind as he sat on the couch in a t-shirt and boxers, cursing Amaterasu for being so cruel. Anzu was cooking herself some food in the kitchen, stopping whenever she could to glance at whatever Giuseppe was watching on the tv from the kitchen. Things slowly got better over the past few months between Giuseppe and his father. But now that June has arrived and brought the heat with it, going anywhere outside was like taking a morning stroll through hell.

- Great setting up for the scene

2.  Anzu: Did you want some orange chicken, Giuseppe? There's plenty here.

- Orange chicken??

3. Giuseppe laughed at Anzu's fear of thunder and lightning.
- Just a tip. 'Giuseppe laughed' is enough to explain why he's laughing. It's a good policy to remember if a sentence still makes sense when you've removed some words, then those words are useless. Great for trimming down the word count and giving a faster flow to your work.

4. Giuseppe looked down on the floor of the tub and saw a large cricket with very long antennae. He had trouble trying to climb up the shower and on the wall since he was now wet.

*It

5. Doesn't look like the monster int he shadows of the night that feasts on the innocence of young children and the hopes of old men!?! It's death incarnate, existing only to strain our souls of life and happiness! It's probably even a shinigami in disguise! Touch it and you will suffer!
*Doesn't it look like the monster in the shadows of the night ...
- Wow, if you put it like that that cricket must go

6. Anzu: You'll lose your marbles and have them shoved up your tight little ass if you don't get rid of it! Hurry! I'm getting cold! And you wouldn't want to see what happens to nipples when they get cold!

*ding*

7. Anzu: Pay some rent if you want to stay, asshole! *censored*ing crickets What *censored*ing deadbeats. *censored* them.

*ding*

8. Giuseppe: Today is definitely a titties day...

- *ding* Giuseppe. I keep on forgetting sometimes

9. Anzu: How did you....did you find her?!

Myu: Yeah. I did.

- I didn't expect this development. Interesting.

10. By now, she's already at peace with the fact that I've died. Please, don't ruin that peace. Don't ruin that smile.

- Anzu has these real great moments of maturity, and says such true things.

11. Anzu: I want to go to the church. Is that alright?

Giuseppe: Of course it is.

- It's funny, I thought the diary would be the main side quest of the story. Like by the time they reach the end of the diary the story would also end, but it was nice that it took a different direction and instead jumped to Giuseppe's storyline, and the search for her memories is still sort of happening. Real interesting how the things are being pieced together. Wish I had such a talent for that haha.

12. Giuseppe: Thank you, Anzu.
- Still wondering why Nori killed his wife though



Chapter 14
1.  He looked for his phone, which he found not far from the glove box. It was still in good condition.

- WHAT THE HELL SERIOUSLY
- I guess I should've known with how large the paragraphs looked. I recommend spacing them out like you usually do because it looks like a wall of text as it is.
2.
They did all they could to give him oxygen and to slow down the bleeding on their way to the hospital.

- This really monumentally sucks

3. Giuseppe: Yeah, sort of. A few broken bones, minor cuts and stuff. The real doozie was a piece of shrapnel that struck me right in the belly. Thankfully, I didn't lose too much blood, but I'm gonna need to stay here for at least 4 or 6 weeks. I need to keep up with the IV, drink lots of water, and eat lots of proteins to recover the blood volume I lost. Still hurts like a bitch, but I'm alright! In fact, I think they're gonna give me painkillers for that.

- HES ALIVE

4. She was fine with being stuck in one place, if that one place had her best friend in it.
- Phew.



Chapter 15
1. Myu: Anzu. You're mother went to the hospital a few years ago, shortly after you died. For cancer.
- Of course. Siiigh.

2. Anzu's intent was not contested. The more loose ends that Anzu tied, the closer she would be to passing on. Her wish was always a dying wish. That was the beautiful tragedy of her existence.

- True that

3. Giuseppe: Let's see. We met in January and it's already the middle of August now, so.... yeah, over 9 months.

- Wow, it's really been that long huh? I wonder though, what exactly is keeping Anzu tethered to this place.

4. Giuseppe and Anzu laid on their futons, set next to each other. Anzu had her head laying in the direction of the right side of the building, and Giuseppe the left side. Anzu's long hair flowed in all directions like a bloomed flower. Under the deep blue light from the walls, the two never looked so peaceful until now. It was as if they were both dead, ready to be mourned for at a wake.

- That is some suspicious imagery right there.

5. Myu: Giuseppe.

Giuseppe: Myu.

- Man, Giuseppe's name is just weird haha.


6. Myu: If Anzu sees her mother, will she fade away?

- Good    question

7. Giuseppe: I've had the same thoughts for a long time. My life has changed because I met Anzu, and I just don't want her to go. But the tragedy of all of this is this; she was supposed to receive that kind of love when she was alive. We can't keep her here when she's dead. Anzu won't age. Time is forever frozen for her. While we grow taller and older, she'll stay the same. When we find spouses and have children, she will remain invisible, unable to breathe life into the world. I think that would make Anzu more sad than anything. Not being able to be young, grow into an adult, grow old, and die along with the people she cherishes. Not being able to be apart of the natural cycle of living and dying would just be torture for her. When we're gone, who will she have? That's why we have to help her. We have to help her soul pass on to where it needs to be. If she's dead, then we have to be the ones to gently lay her in her coffin, and lay her to rest.

- So true

8. Anzu: Nighty night, Gissy Poo.

- My word that nickname
- Great chapter


 
Chapter 16
1. Anzu: My my, how chivalrous of you!

Giuseppe: Like clockwork!

- I missed that phrase haha

2.
Anzu: Don't tell me you're...Maria?

Maria: Anzu. Thank god for you. Thank you for everything you've done. Thank you for visiting me too.

- Whoa seriously?

3. Anzu: Nonsense, you're a complete darling! Maybe if I had lived longer, I would've grown up to look like you!

- I wonder what it'd be like to be born and die an ugly person. Does one still get judged by physical appearances? I feel it'd be a shame to do so.

4.
Early in the morning, as it drizzled down upon the city, Nori awaited for the guards to guide him into God's hands. He wasn't fearful, angry, jealous, doubtful, resentful, or contrite. He was at peace. He could feel the forgiveness of his son bestowed upon him. With that, he was free of the burden of regret. His cell was unlocked, and two prison guards and a monk greeted him.

- Jealous doesn't seem to fit there .

5. Difficult chapter to read. I thought they would skip over Nori's last moments but in a way it was very necessary.



Chapter 17
1.
The long dreaded day had arrived. Because of Giuseppe's inability to financially support a funeral for Nori, his corpse was handled under prefecture regulations.

- Are funerals and weddings so expensive?

2. Giuseppe and Anzu smiled at each other. Such vulgar language and insults were like a lingua franca for them.
- lingua franca. Had to google that. Nice word.
- I have to say, the vulgarity is nice not to see so much especially in these parts of the story. THey're just so so vulgar I can't believe it's the same story sometimes haha. But I suppose those are just my personal feelings on the matter. They are true to their character after all

3. Myu: Forcing that much food down your stomach is like trying to fit the entire Persian Empire through the narrow cliffs of Thermopylae. Lesson learned, huh Anzu?

- That is one reference and a half haha.

4. Anzu: Will you dress up as a maid and have forbidden intercourse with me?!?

Giuseppe: What? No!

*ding

5. Anzu: No, that's not it. But I know I don't belong here. I've already lived and died. There's nothing left for me. To me, at least that much is axiomatic. I used to life was all one big, vitriolic game of schadenfreude, where God laughed and humans suffered. But then, meeting you helped me see it differently. I couldn't be more blessed to be as I am now, where I am now.
* I used to think that life was all one big...
- Wow that is a mouthful. She is a smart and intelligent girl but the wording sort of came out of nowhere haha.
- Doesn't make it sound any less true though.

6. With that, another day passed along the constantly flowing waters of time. Giuseppe had gotten so used to the warm weather of Spring, and the even warmer weather of Summer, that he was caught off guard when he was awoken by the sound of light rain beating against the blue stained glass in the antechamber in the back of the church. When he opened his eyes, he saw that Myu was the first to wake up, with a massive hangover however. She was already sitting up, hair frazzled, and her face buried in her hands.

- I think at this point they are walking over well tread ground.  It'd be nice if another plot development came up, because at this point it should be the end game on Anzu's front at least. Giuseppe's arc feels like it has concluded, and now all that remains is for Anzu to meet her mother.  At least, that's where  most of my interest lies.

7. 11:00 had arrived, but Anzu was still sleeping. Giuseppe knew it was a collective kind of exhaust. One created for the days she spent looking after Giuseppe after the death of Nori.
- Sentence needs fixing because I don't follow it quite well.

8. Myu: Either that or sucking cock in an alleyway, right? Anyway, I've got to go. It was nice hanging out with you. Keep eating regular meals and get to sleep at good times.

- Wow where did that come from Myu? *ding* I feel like everyone in the story has the potential for that sort of language. Its sort of jarring some times

9. God bless the dead, say only the living.
- As mentioned at 6 I'm thinking there's a need to get on with the story again. With Noris' fathers' death I feel like its necessary, otherwise it risks being trailed on by endless scenes of talking about the same things.



 
Chapter 18
1. Myu: Alright! Halloween is officially on! Let's go see if someone's doing a haunted house this year!

- The irony of a ghost going to Halloween is something else.

2. Anzu was nervous since she'd never been in a haunted house before.

- But she is a ghost! Haha

3. Anzu: Tomorrow, I'd like to see my mother. I don't know if I'll reveal myself to her just yet, but I just want to see her. November may be her last month if not December.

- I'm surprised she put it off so long to be honest. If she's dying of cancer you'd think she'd want to be there as soon as possible, no matter what the estimates of her life expectancy were

4. Never to return.
- Nuuu Anzu

 
Chapter 19
1. Anzu: Oh, can we go early in the afternoon? I want to eat breakfast first. Maybe, 12:30 or 1:00?

- Still surprised at her ability to get drunk and the need to eat food. Strange.  Would she go hungry if she were a ghost in a place where food was scarce? Can she swim under water without needing to breathe? Hmmmm

2. Giuseppe: You're not dying. You're just finally being laid to rest. I'll be sure it's in the place where you want it to be.

- Man, now that I think about it not really looking forward to the ending. The characters have been just so interesting to know about.

3. Giuseppe: No *censored*ing way. Are you saying you played Wario Land 4?

- Wario Land 4? This game can't possibly exist!
- Listening to the song now. It sure has a calm feel to it.



 
Chapter 20
1.Giuseppe: Not in a million *censored*ing years. You're wrong, you'll always be wrong, and you should feel like *censored* for being so *censored*ing wrong! Ahem.
*ding*

2. Anzu: Fishies?!?!?! What the *censored* are we waiting for, you silly bitch! Let's get dressed and go!

*ding*


 
Chapter 21
1. Myu: Thanks, love. Alright! How do you want the kobe? Want it prepared as sukiyaki, teppanyaki, sashimi?

- Sure wish I knew what these were haha. I only know of sashimi

2. Myu: Kobe in particular has a good amount of intramuscular fat in it, so it gives off a great aroma, texture, and taste when it's cooked. It's expensive as hell here in Hokkaido though. Most of it is produced in the Hyogo prefecture, so maybe it's cheaper where it's sourced from. But still, I got it at a relatively good price!

- I love the facts that everyone has in this story too. Real interesting, and they add a lot to the story.

3. Anzu: I'm sorry, Giuseppe. I don't really have an apatite.
* appetite

4.
With clemency and forgiveness purifying her tethered soul, all that was left for Anzu is what should've happened the moment she died. For her to be put to rest.

- And finally all is wrapped up.

 

Chapter 22
1. Akahana: I want to thank you both, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for being there for her. Your company meant a lot to Mother. She never had anyone besides Misato, me, and Anzu.

- I still don't understand why she wasn't there when it happened. I guess people can be busy enough not to be by their parents' death beds. Or the request was something she took seriously enough to not to disobey.

2. Giuseppe: “Gave up”…heh….I guess you still remember how that night went down. You tried to pretend you didn’t want the bed.

- If there is something you have achieved is in making the passage of time seem tangible. It really feels like it has been a long adventure, and definitely an emotional roller coaster

3.Anzu sat down with Giuseppe, in silence, watching the moment unfold all over again. It was like going through an old picture book for them both.

Giuseppe: Those brownies ended up being really delicious.

Anzu: Yeah, I remember.

- The feels


 

Chapter 23
1. Anzu: Goodbye.

Myu: Goodbye, my friend. Rest in peace.

- The feels

2.  Anzu: My my, how chivalrous of you!

- The feels

3. Every word was a eulogy. Words shared between the living and the dead, before the dead are laid to rest. At long last, Anzu will soon be free.

- And what a ride it has been


 
Chapter 24
1. Anzu: Hell no.

Giuseppe: No overdosing on drugs or getting into car accidents?

Anzu: No plane crashes, no choking on olives, no choking your future wife’s strap-on either.

- * ding*
- It's amazing how the conversation is touching and hiliarous at the same time. Really envokes emotions.

2. Giuseppe: “Donut Steel”…

- Haha oh man that name

3. Anzu: Goodnight, Gissy Poo.

Giuseppe: Goodnight, Anzu.

- Apricot! Apricot you mean! Haha...

4. Hallelujah, for both the living and the dead are free.
- Man, what a chapter



Chapter 25
1. Finally and forever, together in the grave.

- And that's the end. So much to say. Brilliant chapter. I'll just move on to my general thoughts


General Thoughts


Wow, I am once again ashamed at my loss of words. At the very least I hope the little notes I left as I read captured a bit of what I was feeling, but all in all I just want to say: It's an amazing story. A true gem. I am no 5 star reviewer, and I'd love to give you all the technical pointers on the story, but for me it evoked a whole lot of emotion, the characters were cemented in my head, and if you can make me rush cooking dinner because I want to finish off reading a story, if you can make me forget that I'm reading a story or watching a story then it officially reaches that place of 'unrateable' that I reserve for the best stories I have read in my life. For me, it's quite a master work. That's just me personally.

I'm astounded at how such dark themes were dealt with, at how the slice of life was so well crafted that I felt those sunny days and cold days. From the food to the mundane preparations of the day. The way the narration set up scenes carefully, clearly and concisely and placed the characters right there and how funny, vulgar and sad it could be. It looks like it follows a faithful formula, and yet has so much going for it that it turns into something quite unique. I don't think a synopsis could do the story much justice, and one would just have to read to see if they can get into it.

This was an amazing story. Thank you for writing it. You clearly have a talent.

There are some mistakes, and I'm sure that there's a way to maybe cut down on words or improve it somehow, but I have no doubt that given the right workthrough this is publisheable in one way or the other. Definitely hold on to it.

I won't lie, the vulgarity put me off. It's a personal thing. Sometimes it got quite extreme and it bothered me, but I wonder why I accept violent scenes of murder and have a problem with dirty imagery? I don't know, it's just how things were for me. I don't want to just say 'censor everything!' because I'm not sure how much that'd take away from the characters, but I fear that there are some who would rather not read further after being offended. It'd be a shame if someone didn't end up finishing the story because of that. But do what you think is best. To each their own.


AMA
1. How long did it take you to write this story?

2. Were you by any chance once in Japan? You seem to know a lot about the culture and the settings were really realistic!

3. You must be a pro cook at least. Do you have a favourite meal that you prepare or something? Did you do any research for the culinary stuff?

4. Do you have any music taste overlaps with those of the characters in this story?

5. What other projects are you currently working on?




Offline OhGodHelpMe

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Re: Anzu: A Friend From the Grave
« Reply #22 on: February 07, 2016, 06:14:25 PM »
Wow, I wasn't expecting anyone to read all of it  :unsure: You even rushed dinner too! Thanks for giving it a shot!

To answer your questions:

1. I don't recall exactly how long it took me to write this. It was definitely no more than 2 months though. Maybe a month and a half?  :hmm: I remember writing a chapter almost every day as soon as the concept became solid enough to make a story out of it. It was definitely as much of a ride for me as it was for you.

2. This may surprise you, but I have never been to Japan in my entire life!  :clapping: But I do know enough about Japanese culture. This story did require a bit of research though. I wanted to make sure the penal codes, abortion laws, and even the pricing/distribution of Kobe beef were accurate to how it really is in Japan. Maybe this can further answer the question you had about funerals really being that expensive, when Nori died and Giuseppe was left with the body.  Usually, the eldest son of the deceased is informed, and that person would probably schedule an appointment with his local temple for the post-mortem ceremony. I don't imagine it would be that expensive, I just felt more like it wouldn't make sense for Giuseppe's character. He is the guy that stalled going to his mom's grave for so long, so it wouldn't make sense he'd so eagerly go through the whole ceremony, wake, and then burial.  :noidea: Letting the prefecture handle it seemed more faithful to that inner fear of confronting something painful.

3. I actually do cook quite often! I always make my own pancakes, which is exactly like Anzu's pancake recipe. And I love making pasta  8)

4. Their music tastes are pretty much my music tastes. Every song and band in the story are things I actually listen too quite often. Even when it came to Maria having a huge collection of Italian, German, and American hard rock records, it came from me listening to that kind of music nonstop  :clapping: Especially Monsoon Jungle from Wario Land 4. That game has such a nice sound track

5. At the same time as this story was being written, I was also working on a much, much, MUCH larger project. Or rather, a piece of the larger project. Specifically, I was writing a section of another story of mines called 6 Cataclysms, the particular section focusing on the background of one of the major characters. After doing that (I ended up calling it Katyanaishka Chronicles), I started writing the next piece, Red Rose Chronicles. Finished that up, and now I'm currently on the cusp of finishing the first arc of the main part of 6 Cataclysms, Lotus Flower Chronicles.  :o

I've been hesitant to share any of it though since I still have to read them over and revise them a bit. It's also a very different story from this It's a unique fantasy setting with its own world, history, and a lot of concepts for the reader to grasp. It focuses a lot on action and tends to stick to a heavier mood. Mainly, the potential for confusion it what's putting me off from sharing it, as I've yet to find a way to cram explanations of how some of the things work in the story  :hmm: I could just explain it off-hand, but that feels like a cop-out to me. There's also an issue with length, as each of the Chronicles are very long. Maybe slightly longer than this story.

Anywho  :sure:

Thanks again for giving this one the time. This was treated as a side project, so I wasn't totally sure how the story would play out for readers. If I were to ever seriously publish this, I'd probably edit out some of the vulgarity, hopefully just enough to tone it down and not water down Anzu's character and method of coping. I was hoping I'd nail that balance of feels, humor, and some slice of life elements.

I actually have a question for you and other readers now  :ninja:

The one ground rule I had for this story was that Giuseppe and Anzu can't fall in love. I felt it would be stupid and blatant feels-bait. But what do you think? Would the story be any better or worse if there was a romance between them?  :hmm: Your answers are of great interest to me


Offline Manimal

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Re: Anzu: A Friend From the Grave
« Reply #23 on: February 08, 2016, 07:30:17 AM »
The one ground rule I had for this story was that Giuseppe and Anzu can't fall in love. I felt it would be stupid and blatant feels-bait. But what do you think? Would the story be any better or worse if there was a romance between them?  :hmm: Your answers are of great interest to me

That's fine I think, not every story with a boy and a girl needs to be romance. I don't think there is a need for a love story here, I can certainly see how one would progress naturally, however it isn't necessary, especially if you just want to focus more so on their friendship. 

Oh ya I need questions.

1. What exactly are Anzu's ghost rules? How can she touch and interact with things? Is that just a common ghost thing because I find it confusing that she can walk through people yet hold objects.

2. What nationality is Giuseppe? I don't remember if that was said in the story or not, probably did but I forgot.



Offline legomaestro

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Re: Anzu: A Friend From the Grave
« Reply #24 on: February 08, 2016, 08:22:39 AM »
I think I got this wrong, but did

Spoiler
Giuseppe end up with Anzu's sister? Because if so I felt like that was random and a shame.

I have no problems with his love for Anzu being platonic for their reasons stated. I would sure as hell ship them any time any day, but when he decided to leave her be I was fine with that (and I say no to the feels trip from watching the love of his life fade away and die. I'd rather not.)

But then hooking up with her sister... Wasn't there just too much baggage for him to go after her? I mean he'd have to keep the simple secret that she was a ghost for a while, and it feels like they already built up such a good rapport with eachother (Giuseppe and Myu)



Offline OhGodHelpMe

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Re: Anzu: A Friend From the Grave
« Reply #25 on: February 08, 2016, 04:17:50 PM »



Oh ya I need questions.

1. What exactly are Anzu's ghost rules? How can she touch and interact with things? Is that just a common ghost thing because I find it confusing that she can walk through people yet hold objects.

2. What nationality is Giuseppe? I don't remember if that was said in the story or not, probably did but I forgot.




1. It's a pretty basic set of rules not particularly based on any other kind of ghost rules. Living objects go right through her, and inanimate objects are things she can interact with. The only exception is with living objects that had physical contact with her diary. In that case, they can see and touch her. And that's pretty much it  :hmm:

2. Giuseppe's mother was Italian and his father was Japanese. If I remember correctly, he was born and raised in Japan.

I think I got this wrong, but did

Spoiler
Giuseppe end up with Anzu's sister? Because if so I felt like that was random and a shame.

I have no problems with his love for Anzu being platonic for their reasons stated. I would sure as hell ship them any time any day, but when he decided to leave her be I was fine with that (and I say no to the feels trip from watching the love of his life fade away and die. I'd rather not.)

But then hooking up with her sister... Wasn't there just too much baggage for him to go after her? I mean he'd have to keep the simple secret that she was a ghost for a while, and it feels like they already built up such a good rapport with eachother (Giuseppe and Myu)



Thankfully, you got that wrong! Akahana remained in touch with Giuseppe and Myu, and they were good friends for all those years. After Anzu's passing, Giuseppe and Myu were hanging out more, and eventually, they hooked up and had children. Then those kids grew up and had kids, and Giuseppe died soon after they were born (Natural causes. That car crash took some years off his life). Akahana naturally spends time with those children since he was with Giuseppe and Myu for so long.

Offline DevilPogoStick

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Re: Anzu: A Friend From the Grave
« Reply #26 on: February 11, 2016, 08:48:49 PM »
I admit, finally got off my cold ridden butt and read. Being sick is not cool. :(

I will say this, I read the first part and I love the fact it lure me in. The interaction with Anzu and Giuseppe were neat and while it was really just those two talking for a good majority of the first part, I didn't let that detract me from reading further.

The script writing again is quite clear and neat :)

AMA

1. Not sure if this was asked but what got ya in writing such a story with its themes and plot?

Offline OhGodHelpMe

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Re: Anzu: A Friend From the Grave
« Reply #27 on: February 11, 2016, 09:12:30 PM »
1. Not sure if this was asked but what got ya in writing such a story with its themes and plot?

Well, I came up with it while writing something else. It was really just meant to be a side project, something fun to work on to get away from the other story, which is currently consuming my life  :unsure:

All I knew was that I wanted to write something that had a feeling of homeliness to it, and I just sort of made stuff up as I went along, and then boom, this one popped out  :clapping: It was pretty spontaneous

Offline DevilPogoStick

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Re: Anzu: A Friend From the Grave
« Reply #28 on: February 11, 2016, 10:05:55 PM »
Aw, it's great to know this expanded into quite the story. :)

Do keep up the good work!

Offline MisterSherbetLemon

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Re: Anzu: A Friend From the Grave
« Reply #29 on: February 12, 2016, 09:41:07 AM »
Three chapters in, I'll leave it at that for the moment as I'm trying to catch up on the roundtable.  ;D

Anzu is an insanely likeable character! Lots of comic relief but very believable (aside from the being dead part of course).

Quote
Anzu: Your breath smells like cocks.

This made me laugh but it was very unexpected and the whole 'trip me out' thing seemed a little out of place. Think I'm just not the kind of guy to write crude humour like that but it does get some laughs. ;)

Quote
Giuseppe: I think you consume too much Western media. That stuff will kill your brain cells.

It feels like the majority of the humor has a western feel to it already so I don't know if this explains Anzu's personality or if it seems like an excuse for making crude western jokes. It's not meant as a major criticism really but I'd maybe suggest emphasizing some more outrage and confusion from Giuseppe to show that he's REALLY not used to the way Anzu speaks. If that's what you're going for of course.

Anzu and Giuseppe have an awesome relationship and it's very touching most of the time seeing how they bond but I can't help but get thrown a bit by the crudeness. It's funny but not always believable. I couldn't really imagine Giuseppe saying "Good lord them titties! How did you do it!?" when he's been innocent enough not to notice them until now. Maybe I'm just being a prude (which I never expected to be a problem for me haha) but I dunno, there seems to be a line between it being funny and it taking you out of the experience and I feel you're kinda wavering between each side of the line at times.

So a quick summary...

Pros:

- The characters are great and you're doing an awesome job with the setting you've created.
- The pacing is great in terms of learning about the two main characters and their past.
- Great job of maintaining interest without a visible end in sight.
- Some good laugh out loud moments.
- Good western humor.

Cons:
 
- I don't see a clear direction on where this is going yet (although that isn't really an issue as the characters are compelling.
- Humor can be a little too crude for me at times (or more accurately, the crudeness doesn't fit in some moments where it shows up).
- Humor is very western in a non-western setting. 
- Anzu's dead and I just totally want the two of them to hook up haha ;) 
 
« Last Edit: February 12, 2016, 09:44:05 AM by MisterSherbertLemon »