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Author Topic: Class 12-K Discussion  (Read 2535 times)

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Offline NO1SY

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Re: Class 12-K Discussion
« Reply #15 on: October 27, 2015, 09:28:24 PM »
OK, I'm really sorry this review is late, work's been a bit nuts recently taking up my evenings and I've been pulling out all the stops to get work experience during the day... so I've had pretty much no time to do anything else... I reviewed your shorts before though so let's call it even :3

But without further ado...


GOOD STUFF

Spoiler

It is really not very hard to imagine this as a manga or even anime shorts. The scene transitions and use of tropes and even just the dialogues and certain behaviours all lend themselves to imagining your short stories in a visual format. What's more is that the characters and settings a painted to be fairly Japanese from your writing - stuff like playing visual novels and having class presidents etc - which again just lends itself to being able to picture the series as a manga or anime.

I still like the chatty form of narration. It feels unique to you as a writer and really helps set the tone for some of the chapters. I only wonder how you could translate it into a visual format without losing it's unique style and impact. Maybe by drawing you as the narrator in little corners of certain panels commenting and breaking the fourth wall or something???

Again, some of the stories are pretty entertaining - personally I preferred the shorts where the plots were a little less far fetched and a bit more down to earth, but I think that's because they were easier to imagine and relate to. Also, while the comedy throughout is of a certain straightforward and crazy/silly style, which wasn't always enough to make me laugh out loud, it made the shorts genuinely lighthearted and just a bit of easy-reading fun.




STUFF TO WORK ON

Spoiler


So first thing I want to discuss is characterisation and characters. You have a fair few characters, but some that recur more than others. Yet you don't actually establish the characters - who they are and why they are like that etc - at all really IN the stories. It's not really good enough to put a character list with descriptions of characters as an extra, or even as little profiles at the end of a chapter - those kinds of introductions/ways of finding out about characters make it difficult for readers to get invested in the characters. It's a bit hard to do in this episodic form of storytelling, but it can be done, an important factor is making sure that they are consistent chapter to chapter. I feel that, although the characters pretty much stay within the parameters set in their descriptions, the way that they behave and speak and interact with one another can change a fair bit from chapter to chapter - being written to fit into and facilitate the chapter's plot, rather than naturally driving the plot themselves. Just try to make sure that characters always act how they would act... On top of this, you use first names for side characters in roles such as teachers and the principal - which just makes it difficult to distinguish them from the school kids when reading like this. At least use "Mr." or "Principal" to precede their names.

Next is the comedy aspect of the shorts. There are several instances where you have set up scenes to be a kind of visual joke, which is great, but there are a couple of instances where you deliver the punchline and then keep on going instead of letting the joke 'drop the mic'... for example in chapter 5 Brad's face is stuck to the desk - BRILLIANT! - everyone mobs up and marches out the room, Brad is still stuck. BOOM, he's crying out as everyone leaves and it's all laughs and cheers. That's the punch-line so to speak, but then you write a response, which, although it makes sense, detracts from the comedy factor. So be careful when constructing your jokes, don't kill the jokes by writing more than needs to be said/seen. The "Used to be an apple..." line is an example of you getting the joke perfectly right.

On a side note, I think Vacant is right in that you use the sweat-drop trope a lot... maybe too much. There are other tropes that can be used to similar effect - the long face, the depressed face, a storm cloud, the soul leaving the mouth etc. Maybe even indicating the use of chibis would be a good inclusion to the storytelling to add variety.

On the topic of writing what needs to be seen, in this format, we need to see more stage direction for action. You set up scenes, you have directions for a few character motions and expressions and a few of just narration breaking the 4th wall, but scenes still end up being a bit static when they involve a lot of dialogue. When you are talking with someone, you are not just sitting still in the same position that you started in. You move as the conversation goes on. When I work, I may be talking to a customer while I'm polishing wine-glasses, but after a quick polish I will hold it up to the light to see if I missed any of the water-marks, then I'll give it a quick wipe around the rim in case of lipstick imprints and then I'll carefully hang it up before going on to the next glass. SO during this dialogue I have done at least 4 different actions. Try to think what your characters are doing as they talk and make sure that you fit in a way to describe these actions into your story telling to make it as full bodied as possible. Doesn't matter how interesting/entertaining the dialogue is, static scenes are always boring to read.

Minor thing but it's always nice to have good presentation for play-script style formats. I use Bold for scene descriptions, and for the character name of who is speaking. I use italics for stage directions and actions. and then dialogue is normal font. It just helps readers understand what they are reading a bit better because they have visual aids.


EDITING NOTES

Spoiler


Not much to say here specifically other than when you have time, give your chapters a thorough proof read. There are several minor mistakes jotted around that need attention but don't ruin the experience - mostly just spelling errors or missing suffixes and nothing too major.



Overall my opinion hasn't changed too much since the first few chapters went up. It's a fun series accented by chuckles and unique narration style, and is very easy to imagine in visual formats - which I think would give the comedy the visual delivery it needs to be even funnier. A few things to sort out in terms of character consistency and varying tropes to make each chapter feel like a different experience, but I think you have a nice little series going here :)


As for the AMA questions:

1) You seem to have a good grasp of Japanese anime school-kid culture, is this from personal experience (like living in Japan or a school trip etc) or are you just emulating as best you can what you have grasped from manga and anime? Why a School-kid series?

2) Have you re-written any of these shorts? Do you do drafts or is it literally head --> Paper --> Online?

3) What has been the hardest part of creating this 'universe' that your stories exist in?

Offline DevilPogoStick

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Re: Class 12-K Discussion
« Reply #16 on: October 27, 2015, 10:31:38 PM »
Thank you for the long awaited review. :)


As for the AMA questions:

1) You seem to have a good grasp of Japanese anime school-kid culture, is this from personal experience (like living in Japan or a school trip etc) or are you just emulating as best you can what you have grasped from manga and anime? Why a School-kid series?

2) Have you re-written any of these shorts? Do you do drafts or is it literally head --> Paper --> Online?

3) What has been the hardest part of creating this 'universe' that your stories exist in?


1. Mostly seeing most anime and manga though I do my fair bit of research. :)

As for why a high school setting is that...I felt at the time it wouldn't too alienating after I ditched the original plans and opt for comedy. Also, I was heavily influenced by Azumanga Daioh, Pani Poni Dash, etc.

2. I've rewritten a few shorts and other works back in Fictionpress but I'm working on a slightly old major Class 12-K story to both fit my current scripting format (my past script format was...Pretty confusing) and add some additional elements to make the story a lot clearer.

3. Well, the Kaimon-verse is a little tough on that it's probably means the world outside the town...Is even more insane XD

And I wrote a tale where the power of love is an utter weapon that empowers absurd strong people to be even more absurdly strong and recently one where the children of Yakuza's commands armies.

...Yeah, I sometimes pause and wonder if the world I created will imploded from this fact XD

Offline DevilPogoStick

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Re: Class 12-K Discussion
« Reply #17 on: October 30, 2015, 02:07:05 PM »
Oh quick question....what would you guys explain Kyoko's outfit? Like description wise?



....I kinda put myself in that state where I can't explain her clothes lol

Offline DevilPogoStick

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Re: Class 12-K Discussion
« Reply #18 on: November 12, 2015, 09:21:30 AM »
I admit, there is a ton of all in the manual regarding the townfolk of Kaimon and the town itself. If anyone has questions I'm free to answer....at times looked

Offline DevilPogoStick

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Re: Class 12-K Discussion
« Reply #19 on: February 13, 2016, 02:51:36 PM »
Kinda funny now that I realize this, after looking over the notes of one character and that...I really don't know how he really looks in my head other than he has a beard. XD

And that's Yuu Hino, Kyoko's father. The man is a master level karate master who runs his own school in his own property (a dojo that is constantly in need of repairs...Probably because of his own strength), arguably the strongest adult character, and has taught the basics to the second generation of the Four Greats when said four were kids. Loving husband, father of two daughters, and owner of a cat that wears an eye patch that sometimes travels out of town because he's (the cat) bored. The nickname I plan of giving him is the Tiger of East Kaimon

...And yet, he's pretty much a butt monkey of sorts. Man is strong but he gets nerfed due to the fact he's pretty straight forward of a fighter and a nice guy who his opponents take advantage of any chance they get (he's a sucker to assume they wouldn't be that pragmatic) or he's tangling with forces that is beyond even his own strength (had written a scene where he fought a martial artist zombie powered by love...He was uppercut to the skies before he can even do anything). His friends, while respecting him, tend to use his house as a hangout place without his permission, and he has to live with that fact (not to mention one of them tends to challenge him in any type of challenge but a straight up fight). His dojo is in need of constant repairs and recruiting new students is always tough when he has the reputation of being the guy who taught the four most infamous delinquents. His family, while they love him dearly, do feel he's kinda overprotective towards them to points he's hilariously dramatic as Hell when he feels he's not doing his job as a parent so he comes off as a bit of a buffoon. Finally, the damn cat bullies him into giving food to the feline (though Busa also bullies Kyoko for the exact same reason).

...Now that I think about, Kyoko's lack of luck is probably for sure the one thing she inherited from her Dad. XD