March 29, 2024, 12:37:35 AM

------------------------------------------

If you have Login Problems Use the Login in Top Menu Bar


------------------------------------------
If you have a problem registering here, Leave a msg at our FB Page >> Here.

Plz Don't use Hotmail to Register. You might not receive Activation mail. Use Other free mail provider like Gmail or Yahoo.






Author Topic: Is this story any good? MERCILESS  (Read 4679 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline GabrielAlmighty

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 13
    • View Profile
Is this story any good? MERCILESS
« on: April 14, 2009, 02:35:11 PM »
     I've posted on this before, but I've now polished the story and made a few changes. Here it is:

     
MERCILESS
     Two cousins, ___________, and _________ stumble upon a futuristic structure in the middle of the woods. Out of curiosity the boys enter. The oldest,__________ finds technological power beyond military caliber. The youngest, _________ considers using the power to help people, _______ Agrees. But before long the eldest starts to find that he can do many great things with his power. Therefore his world domination plan has begun. Now it's up to ______ to stop him from destroying everything.

Yes it sounds cheesy, but when the story takes off I think it'll be very popular. The weapon is a pair of gloves that can bend particles. Again cheesy but a flick of the wrist cloud blow a whole army away.

Offline Coryn

  • Director of the MR Science Division
  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 21553
  • Gender: Male
  • Secretly a 13 year old girl.
    • View Profile
Re: Is this story any good? MERCILESS
« Reply #1 on: April 14, 2009, 04:58:24 PM »
sounds better than the aliens crash land idea. in all truthfulness if you wanted too the structure they find could be old instead of futuristic.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline h_musick

  • Lurking...
  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2488
  • Gender: Female
  • Troll-patrol
    • View Profile
Re: Is this story any good? MERCILESS
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2009, 05:03:06 PM »
sounds good! and really i think if we looked at a summary of most manga/anime they would seem cheesy :laughing11: but when they do "take off" they rock!  :Embarrassed:
anyway! you should add names! :Embarrassed: tehe!
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,8367.0.html

"Artists who seek perfection in everything are those who cannot attain it in anything."
- Gustave Flaubert

Offline GabrielAlmighty

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 13
    • View Profile
Re: Is this story any good? MERCILESS
« Reply #3 on: April 14, 2009, 11:31:26 PM »
sounds better than the aliens crash land idea. in all truthfulness if you wanted too the structure they find could be old instead of futuristic.

     I'm fiddling with the idea of the structure from the future. My plan is it to be sent from the oldest cousin which has a high rank in the government. He sends it due to a governmental collapse, He assumes it will straighten out things. In the past he fell in a deep hole in the woods and was severely injured. So he sends the ship into the hole. Then I hope to reveal it was a airship which in the final few chapters he launches.

I probably gave WAY to much away, but what ev.

By the way it's going to be a webcomic, Unless you guys can help me find a decent publishing co.


Offline Coryn

  • Director of the MR Science Division
  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 21553
  • Gender: Male
  • Secretly a 13 year old girl.
    • View Profile
Re: Is this story any good? MERCILESS
« Reply #4 on: April 15, 2009, 04:49:07 PM »
sounds better than the aliens crash land idea. in all truthfulness if you wanted too the structure they find could be old instead of futuristic.

     I'm fiddling with the idea of the structure from the future. My plan is it to be sent from the oldest cousin which has a high rank in the government. He sends it due to a governmental collapse, He assumes it will straighten out things. In the past he fell in a deep hole in the woods and was severely injured. So he sends the ship into the hole. Then I hope to reveal it was a airship which in the final few chapters he launches.

I probably gave WAY to much away, but what ev.

By the way it's going to be a webcomic, Unless you guys can help me find a decent publishing co.



sad to say but i doubt theres a decent publishing company for a bunch of people on the internet with no real work to speak of

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

dawood

  • Guest
Re: Is this story any good? MERCILESS
« Reply #5 on: April 15, 2009, 08:11:09 PM »
really good idea... i like the fact that the brothers start of friends... and then are put into a situation where they become mortal enemies

Offline GabrielAlmighty

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 13
    • View Profile
Re: Is this story any good? MERCILESS
« Reply #6 on: April 15, 2009, 11:12:59 PM »
sounds better than the aliens crash land idea. in all truthfulness if you wanted too the structure they find could be old instead of futuristic.

     I'm fiddling with the idea of the structure from the future. My plan is it to be sent from the oldest cousin which has a high rank in the government. He sends it due to a governmental collapse, He assumes it will straighten out things. In the past he fell in a deep hole in the woods and was severely injured. So he sends the ship into the hole. Then I hope to reveal it was a airship which in the final few chapters he launches.

I probably gave WAY to much away, but what ev.

By the way it's going to be a webcomic, Unless you guys can help me find a decent publishing co.



sad to say but i doubt theres a decent publishing company for a bunch of people on the internet with no real work to speak of

Lol you kinda make a point. Thanks or the feedback guys.

Offline Cache

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 756
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: Is this story any good? MERCILESS
« Reply #7 on: April 16, 2009, 07:48:41 AM »
Theres always self publishing. Which is what I plan to do just incase I can't nab anyone.

The story, hmmm the story the story the story. I do like the idea, but I sort of agree with coryn that it's more interesting if things look like they have been there for years on end. I think what the story is missing is a sense of continuign substance. Right now it's just the hero and his brother.

That's the conflict of the story which doesn't chalk out to be much longer than an hour film, I think it sounds good for a one shot.
The website!!! Go and Enjoy! www.adventuresofyaz.com

Offline GabrielAlmighty

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 13
    • View Profile
Re: Is this story any good? MERCILESS
« Reply #8 on: April 16, 2009, 06:06:14 PM »
Theres always self publishing. Which is what I plan to do just incase I can't nab anyone.

The story, hmmm the story the story the story. I do like the idea, but I sort of agree with coryn that it's more interesting if things look like they have been there for years on end. I think what the story is missing is a sense of continuign substance. Right now it's just the hero and his brother.

That's the conflict of the story which doesn't chalk out to be much longer than an hour film, I think it sounds good for a one shot.

     I know what you mean. I guess I could make everything look old but from the future. Like it has been there for years or something and is run down. The story takes place in a 2 year time period. The youngest is 13 and oldest 15. Obviously at the end the youngest is 15 and the oldest 17. About 5/6 into the story the oldest thinks he kills the youngest. But obviously he doesn't and is killed in the end. The domination will go through many stages. Before the domination plan the oldest uses his power to own drug dealers, criminals, ect. Then they will broadcast a video to anything that has any kind of input signal. Satellite, internet, ect.  Anyways there will be plenty of characters including the head of the oldest' army. I say it will be about 2/3 as long as DeathNote.