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Author Topic: Yume ( Critique Needed )  (Read 4453 times)

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Offline Ace

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Yume ( Critique Needed )
« on: August 08, 2015, 05:06:45 PM »
Synopsis: in this story we have three main characters all of the main character are best friends and all have a dream on the day they graduate high school they challenge each other to achieve their in a time limit of 7 years . The first Main character is Taichi Suzuki who come from a family of great artist/writer/musician etc. His dream is to prove that cooking is a form of art and wants to become a chef. The second main character is Shiori Yamada who comes from a hardworking middle class family who want her to be a doctor but her dream is to be a Actresses. The final main character is Nobu Watanabe who is an only child from a Wealthy family who want him to take over the family business but his dream is to start his own business and be successful on his own.

-Character Description :

- Taichi Suzuki
Age: 18
Height:5’9
Eyes: Brown
Hair: Brown
Dream: To be a Chef
Favorite Color: Blue
Traits:
- Ambitious
- Childish
- Curious
- Very Hyper
- Kind
Other things: Wears a gold necklace that was his grandmother before she passed away. The funniest of the three

- Shiro Yamada
Age: 17 ½
Height:5’8
Eyes: Blue
Hair: Blonde
Dream: To be an Actress
Favorite Color: Pink
Traits:
- Lovable
- Optimistic
- Passionate
- Popular
- Sociable
Other things: Always wears a pink hair pin with a butterfly on it it sort of her lucky item. The most popular of the three

- Nobu Watanabe
Age: 19
Height: 6’0
Eyes: Black
Hair:Black
Dream: to be a successful business man on his own.
Favorite Color: Black
Traits:
-Practical
-Observant
-Cooperative
-Adaptable
-Brilliant
Other things: Always wears glasses since their childhood. The smartest of the three.

If there is anything I should change leave it in the comments
My theme song : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfdDse20abI
Believe in jazz. Not the jazz that I believe in. Not the jazz who believes in me. Believe in the jazz that believes in itself!

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Offline Lumaria

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Re: Yume ( Critique Needed )
« Reply #1 on: August 09, 2015, 03:25:34 AM »
This is mostly concept than story. But its hard to imagine where the story is heading or if theres enough to be a story. Its as if i promised someone in 2 years ill be the first to get a raise. How do you expect or believe that will be in any way appealing?
« Last Edit: August 09, 2015, 04:01:11 AM by Lumaria »
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Offline Icanttakecritiscism

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Re: Yume ( Critique Needed )
« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2015, 05:00:54 AM »
Give them six flaws to rival the five positive traits or it will be boring. No one is perfect, in fact most people are arseholes...

Offline dennyscomics

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Re: Yume ( Critique Needed )
« Reply #3 on: August 09, 2015, 12:36:44 PM »
I would need to see a script to make a better judgment, but so far all three characters sound like clones of eachother. Character 1 has their family wanting them to be blank and they want to be something else. Characters 2 and 3 have the same description. Even though they all want to get into different professions its the same thing for each of them. That could be the focus of the story because thats what can binds the 3 characters together That could be interesting if 1 character had a super supportive family and character 2 doesnt and character 3s family isnt bothered either way. Maybe start writing something out, story or script and post it for further feedback and see what people think?

Offline Lumaria

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Re: Yume ( Critique Needed )
« Reply #4 on: August 10, 2015, 12:13:41 AM »
My biggest complaint is more that the story isn't focused enough to be a genuine story. Most stories start off with a clear and strong goal.


The characters are interesting, but its hard to really focus on all three at once and individually at the same time. But it looks like they all share the same "i have a different perspective". But like i said, seems to be that its trying to mix in three main characters that are trying to be so hard to take the spot light then focusing on one.

When you make these type of stories, you also have to keep in mind that there needs to be a form of "expertise" to the subject. Main character wants to prove that culinary is art as well? First, its already considered an art program in many schools. second, do you know enough about the subject to make a story about it? Same with the other characters.

Third, graduating high school is different from college. Aspiring to finish school within seven years is nothing more than a simple competition. It doesn't really fit into how it would make their "Dreams" come true. Overall, i feel its a rather safe, yet difficult series.


It doesn't have that certain direction that really makes you want to follow them.

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Offline Lovus Eternius

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Re: Yume ( Critique Needed )
« Reply #5 on: August 10, 2015, 12:40:20 AM »
Give them six flaws to rival the five positive traits or it will be boring. No one is perfect, in fact most people are arseholes...
I meet this comment with an opposition.

"Six flaws and five positive traits or it will be boring."

I do not know why you say that with such blatant certainty, but I humbly disagree with you.

Most people do not want a hero that sucks and character traits are defining features of what makes a person. Flaws tend to be barely relevant in most stories I've read. Flaws are also difficult to write or incorporate.

Unless I am merely mislead by a different choice in words and it means the same thing as positive and negative traits. But both traits can be good things and bad things based on context. Let me provide an example...

A character has a dream. Their dream is to be a Police-Force Manager.
- Strong-willed, will not be swayed.
- Ruthless, will do anything to achieve it.
- Heart of Gold, Means well and tries their best to understand people and help them.

Strong-willed is a positive trait. I can't even argue with it.

Ruthlessness is a double-edged trait. Let's say you get the job done, that's great. but what if people hate you because of the casualties or somehow fear you because of that uncommon trait?

A heart of gold is... a negative trait... to a pessimist like myself. Why? Because if you have a heart of gold and decide to lower your gun - then get shot... you're dead and you no longer have a dream... because you're dead.

Inner-thought: It's all a matter of perspective... I suppose.

Offline Lumaria

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Re: Yume ( Critique Needed )
« Reply #6 on: August 10, 2015, 12:50:58 AM »
When it comes to the two polar opposites, i'm going to say something somewhere that meets in the middle.

Its not about having physical flaws. But generally having a character you can "work" with. A police officer who is too kind "to a fault" may be interesting to see on how he reacts to the cold world. But if it always works out, we are seeing a character who never adjusts his personality and never "grows".

Honestly, its all about giving a character enough room for things to be a "challenge" and flaws allow that much more than any positive trait. Problem with also not having any flaws whatsoever makes it difficult to relate.

Having flaws is what people have, and having a specific flaw to work with is something anyone can relate to. But if you make a character who is flawless and then add a stupid flaw like "he trips when he goes into doorways" then theres no point.
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Offline dennyscomics

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Re: Yume ( Critique Needed )
« Reply #7 on: August 10, 2015, 01:02:35 AM »
someone above mentioned that finishing school would be a competition. why not have all 3 characters compete for the same goal? they are all friends and rivals, so that would put a tension in there, they want each other to do well, but at the same time will want them to fail so they can achieve their own goals.

Offline Lumaria

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Re: Yume ( Critique Needed )
« Reply #8 on: August 10, 2015, 01:04:34 AM »
I tihnkt hats a better approach. but i have a feeling this is more trying to be this nonchalant, ethereal ride rather a fullfledge shonen.
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Offline Lovus Eternius

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Re: Yume ( Critique Needed )
« Reply #9 on: August 10, 2015, 01:06:19 AM »
It will fit into the 'Slice of Life Genre'.

If there is good comedy and believable plots that unfold - I would read it and wait every week for a release.

Offline Lumaria

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Re: Yume ( Critique Needed )
« Reply #10 on: August 10, 2015, 01:21:40 AM »
overall, right now the characters just aren't that distinguishable...each has their fair share of positive traits, but at the moment, each one just doesn't seem to be interesting.

The description you provided sounds like that of a yearbook. SOmeone says so many positive things, its hard to distinguish what made them interesting.
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Offline Icanttakecritiscism

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Re: Yume ( Critique Needed )
« Reply #11 on: August 10, 2015, 05:14:08 AM »
They all have positive typical mary-sue traits though. Except the one who's hyper, I hate OTT people.

Offline Operative13

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Re: Yume ( Critique Needed )
« Reply #12 on: August 10, 2015, 05:29:24 AM »
Concept-wise, this might make for an interesting slice-of-life. You have three diverse set of people all striving for their own goals in life, but are held back one way or another by their own "complications". As a slice-of-life, the challenge with this genre is not just selling the plot, but rather the interactions that carry the plot. Seeing how these characters interact, how they deal with each scenario, the passions, conflicts, and difficulties faced with each one's respective lives move the plot along toward the ideal goal. Or... not at all, depending on their actions.  ;) What makes this interesting is the fact they're all friends despite sharing little to no background on a personal level. That could make for potential conflict when a crisis arises, as each one reveals misinterpretations or misunderstandings of one another that each previously did not know of back in their high school days. Such information can make or break friendships. Does one help the other out even if it hinders their goal in the long run? Or are they willing to exploit and use their friends as stepping stones to further their own selfish desires?

Will they accomplish their dreams? Or will they succumb to the nightmare that awaits them?

Every concept has good potential. All that is needed is good storytelling  ;)

Make an outline of the events that lead to the final outcome and fill in the "in-betweens" afterward. Once your outcome is complete and you have a clear idea what direction the story will take, write up the rough draft in its entirety. I can't wait to see what you'll come up with!  ;D
« Last Edit: August 10, 2015, 06:05:10 AM by Operative13 »
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Offline Icanttakecritiscism

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Re: Yume ( Critique Needed )
« Reply #13 on: August 10, 2015, 05:42:12 AM »
Yum, slice-of-lice.

Offline Ace

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Re: Yume ( Critique Needed )
« Reply #14 on: August 10, 2015, 01:52:44 PM »
Thank you everyone for your opinions and I will try to them into consideration when writing the chapters
My theme song : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfdDse20abI
Believe in jazz. Not the jazz that I believe in. Not the jazz who believes in me. Believe in the jazz that believes in itself!

http://giphy.com/gifs/cowboy-bebop-spike-spiegel-ixd4c7WXmVEBO