November 17, 2017, 02:33:08 PM

------------------------------------------

If you have Login Problems Use the Login in Top Menu Bar


------------------------------------------
If you have a problem registering here, Leave a msg at our FB Page >> Here.

Plz Don't use Hotmail to Register. You might not receive Activation mail. Use Other free mail provider like Gmail or Yahoo.






Author Topic: Dream Lab  (Read 3123 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline legomaestro

  • High Chancellor of Righteousness
  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 18397
  • Gender: Male
  • real life has wack graphics
    • View Profile
Re: Dream Lab
« Reply #15 on: January 24, 2016, 10:44:22 AM »
Chapter 1 Thoughts
1- Edgar Gehring, Professor at the Academy of Ulysses.
- does he exist

2- Getting a nice Minority Report feel from this. I'm watching the TV Series on and off, and while it's not masterful work I love the backgrounds that really immerse you into the futuristic timeline of the place.

3- Reggie was Lance’s name for the TV remote.
- Who the hell names TV remotes?!

4- “Approachable!” Elliott huffed, his frustration building.
- You'll need to indicate that these are Lance's thoughts. I automatically assumed that Elliot  was the only protagonist so it was a slight confusion.

5- Lance closed the door, leaving Elliott still mouthing wordlessly.
- Guh! Why did the chapter have to end there? So interesting.

There are a lot of basic elements here, I've seen the whole new technology thing being revealed with the meet and greet that's about to happen, but it's handled really well, and your focus on the characters, from Elliots' wife to Lance has made it quite interesting. I also liked the way you set up the expo and described the building. Effective use of the language and so easy to read through. Wish I had these skills.

Will review the other chapters as fast as I can, but this has really improved from the first draft dude!

Offline MisterSherbetLemon

  • The MangaRaiders Political Correctness Enforcer...Ha!
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 676
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: Dream Lab
« Reply #16 on: January 24, 2016, 10:59:38 AM »
Chapter 1 Thoughts

1- Edgar Gehring, Professor at the Academy of Ulysses.
- does he exist

2- Getting a nice Minority Report feel from this. I'm watching the TV Series on and off, and while it's not masterful work I love the backgrounds that really immerse you into the futuristic timeline of the place.

3- Reggie was Lance’s name for the TV remote.
- Who the hell names TV remotes?!

4- “Approachable!” Elliott huffed, his frustration building.
- You'll need to indicate that these are Lance's thoughts. I automatically assumed that Elliot  was the only protagonist so it was a slight confusion.

5- Lance closed the door, leaving Elliott still mouthing wordlessly.
- Guh! Why did the chapter have to end there? So interesting.

There are a lot of basic elements here, I've seen the whole new technology thing being revealed with the meet and greet that's about to happen, but it's handled really well, and your focus on the characters, from Elliots' wife to Lance has made it quite interesting. I also liked the way you set up the expo and described the building. Effective use of the language and so easy to read through. Wish I had these skills.

Will review the other chapters as fast as I can, but this has really improved from the first draft dude!

1. Nope, made him up.   
2. Haven't seen the TV series but it does sound like the kind of thing I'm going for.  ;D
3. Someone very attached to their TV. You never named an inanimate object?  ::)
4. I'll keep that in mind dude, thanks. Although I think you mixed up names a little there. Just to confirm, first protagonist is Evan with his wife, then Lance who is conversing with his partner Elliott.
5. You've no idea how glad I am that the minor cliffhanger thing works haha.

Thanks so much dude.  :D   

Offline legomaestro

  • High Chancellor of Righteousness
  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 18397
  • Gender: Male
  • real life has wack graphics
    • View Profile
Re: Dream Lab
« Reply #17 on: January 24, 2016, 02:24:28 PM »
Hahaha oops sorry for mixing the names.

And yeah, I've named inanimate objects before too strangely...

Chapter 2 to 5
Chapter Two

1 - “When I think of how many dreams could’ve been that are forgotten, it infuriates me... It should infuriate us all.” – Lance Lawson aged seventeen.
- Great opening line because it's something I personally feel annoyed at too.

2. “You can leave now...”
- Ouch, guess I know who was on the list now.

3. “I can assure you, things will only get worse from here.
* Close the dialogue with a quotation mark
- I don't understand why Mr Fyre would let him in in the first place? It's just bad business to deal with someone like that, no matter how much money they have. On one side you'd piss off Lance, on the other one this is a company that stoops to death threats and the like to get their way?  Quite the tense scene though so props on that.

Great chapter methinks. It sort of drags out the presentation but that adds interest to the situation.


Chapter Three

1.  "To dally with one subject for too long is a sure-fire way to writer's block.” Lance smirked.
- Hear hear

2. “Welcome everyone...To the Dream Lab!”
- Greater reveal as compared to last time. Nice to have seen the improvement between the two, like being able to see chapter 0 from SnK

3. I didn't feel there was as much of a hook to the next chapter as the last time, but it's interesting still.


Chapter Four

1. With a click of his fingers the lights went out.
- For some reason I feel the Q and A took away from the moment before the thunderous applause came along. That feels like something that'd normally be addressed after the presentation itself, but the whole tech itself is impressive anyways, and it's just my personal thought on the matter.


Chapter Five

1. A stone colossus was outside, standing in the middle of Central Plaza. The very same colossus from his dream, and yet it wasn’t. It held the same form but its’ eyes burned like coals, the passive expression replaced with ferocious hatred. The smooth stone was now sharp and cracked; it was no longer a peaceful tribesman, but a demon.
- Oh wow. What's happening here?

2. -Bzzt- “Oh God...I think he’s dead...”
- Seriously!?

3. “Mister Velmont...”
- Traitorous scum, letting this guy in here

4.He sat crying long after the fire had gone out.
- You useless traitorous scum!!!! Scratch my earlier questions, now I know why you had Velmont on the list, perish!!!

Man, that was not a good place to suddenly have nothing more to read.
I strangely got the Outer Bounds vibe from this at a point. (Cautionary tale Scifi TV Anthology from 1963)  Is it funny that something seems more futuristic if it is done in old school TV format with limited effects and all?
It's nice how the work reminds me about a lot of stuff like that, and the characters are always something to follow. Really hoping Lance is okay and that Fyre burns in hell (Could be arranged if a Lucid Dreamer could trap him in a dream)
It's really improved from the original draft.  Easy to read and follow. I did notice the past-past tense form got in there quite a bit though, like saying 'He had had to go to the bathroom to wash his face'. It makes for a mouthful to read and gets in the way of the story, this mostly happened when describing the meet betwee the investors, right before the tour began and the girl was recognizing the big names and faces in the room.

And now, for AMA, because it's way past due.


AMA
1- Is this a long story? How long do you plan to have it be?
2- Is it meant to be a manga or lightnovel? Or just your own story minus any of that stuff?
3- Will other chapters deal with the setting of the world as  whole, because all I have to go on is the date and the IDT building. I'm wondering if countries will be named and a bigger picture of everything else will be shared. Or does the story focus on another setting?
4- How long did it take to write all these chapters?
5- What's your writing process from draft to finished product?
6- Did you do any research on sleep and how the brain works by any chance?


Hope this helps, it was an enjoyeable read. Definitely finish this story dude!

Offline MisterSherbetLemon

  • The MangaRaiders Political Correctness Enforcer...Ha!
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 676
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: Dream Lab
« Reply #18 on: January 24, 2016, 03:09:31 PM »

1- Is this a long story? How long do you plan to have it be?
2- Is it meant to be a manga or lightnovel? Or just your own story minus any of that stuff?
3- Will other chapters deal with the setting of the world as  whole, because all I have to go on is the date and the IDT building. I'm wondering if countries will be named and a bigger picture of everything else will be shared. Or does the story focus on another setting?
4- How long did it take to write all these chapters?
5- What's your writing process from draft to finished product?
6- Did you do any research on sleep and how the brain works by any chance?


1. I'm not entirely sure if I'm honest. If I do every volume with the same style and length as this one then the shortest it will be is five volumes. I know what direction I'm going to conclude it but I have a lot of ideas on the progression and no idea how long that will end up.

2. Right now I'm sticking to a light novel. I have ideas for how it could be implemented as a manga but it's not a priority project for me. 

3. The country this is based in will be coming up quite early in Volume 2. The world itself hasn't really been thought out completely so I've taken advantage of the fact that it hasn't been relevant to bring up much information yet haha.

4. The original drafts of chapters 1-4 were done in a week but a lot of content was scrapped and rewritten over months. Deciding on a way to begin the story that I was satisfied with took me the longest as I kept switching which character would begin the story. Originally Lance himself was the one with a wife. I knew exactly what I wanted to do with five so that one was done and refined within a couple of days.

5. My process was a little different for this one as it stemmed with the Stream of Consciousness hot seat you were running around the time I first joined MR. After that I felt inspired to continue the story and make it into something a little more thought out. I completed the first unseen draft by continuing the stream of consciousness thing and then spent a very long time sifting through it for the parts worth keeping (not very efficient I can tell you). Then I got a PS4 and did nothing for a month or two. I kinda think that helped because when I came back to it, it felt easy to complete the final draft.

6. Surprisingly no, not at the start at least. When I first wrote about the Dream Lab I just decided "This will work, I'll worry about the details later!" It wasn't until Evan was looking at Lance's brain scan that I had to ask "Okay, so what is there to explain why Lance is in this situation?" That was when I did research on what the brain goes through when it's sleeping.

Thanks for the review and critiques dude, I really appreciate it! I see what you mean with the past-past tense so I'll touch that up sooner or later. :) I'll be continuing Dream Lab but I decided I'll be posting it a Volume at a time so it feels kind of episodic.

Offline Vacant

  • MR's official no.1 rapper
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1858
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: Dream Lab
« Reply #19 on: January 24, 2016, 03:14:53 PM »
Okay here we go! :D

So right off the bat I love the quotes at the head of the chapters. I love when books have that and they tend to stick in the mind and are a nice touch. The length of the chapters is nice and seem pretty much the same length. They're easy to digest and don't feel too overwhelming so its good. Same goes for the pacing, the ebb and flow is pretty good all told and the story is easy enough to follow for the most part. Lots of decent descriptive writing on display and what stood out to me most was the brilliant job done with the characters, who are written well enough that we get a clear sense for their personality through their actions and dialogue, rather than us having to be told what they're about. We can guess at their ambitions and goals and such which is always good . The name choices are good too. V-ware is an awesome name I must say.

Now, I must say there did come a point four chapters in that I did ask....where's all this going? I wasn't sure if Evan or Lance was our protagonist and what the story was going to be about. Of course, as of chapter 5....that all changes and there's two clear story arcs that I can see happening from there, but it does feel like a fair bit of set up. The part in chapter five explaining the overclocking occuring on Lances brain did feel hard to read. I'm not sure what it was as its not too jargon heavy, but it just felt difficult to follow.

Other than that though, I feel that chapter 5 was an excellent place to leave off, with it being by far the chapter that makes you want to read on. Overall it was enjoyable to read and there's some questions I want answering in this story so will be reading on fo' sho.




Offline Vacant

  • MR's official no.1 rapper
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1858
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: Dream Lab
« Reply #20 on: January 24, 2016, 03:19:08 PM »
AMA Time: DAMMIT LEGO!!! You'll stole 3 of my questions! :P

Okay backup question time! :P

1.) What year is it set in (I thought it was like 2090 or something) and if so, why that particular time frame? What appealed to you about that point in time?

2.) Where did you get the names from for the technology?

3.) Is Lance really de Will there be multiple POV's in the story, or will it just be primarily from Evan, Lance and Elliots perspective?

Thats all I've got, lego stole the good ones :o

Offline legomaestro

  • High Chancellor of Righteousness
  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 18397
  • Gender: Male
  • real life has wack graphics
    • View Profile
Re: Dream Lab
« Reply #21 on: January 24, 2016, 03:23:18 PM »
Hahaha it's not my fault! Same thing happens to me too. Also you should've finished asking that third question darnit!

Offline MisterSherbetLemon

  • The MangaRaiders Political Correctness Enforcer...Ha!
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 676
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: Dream Lab
« Reply #22 on: January 24, 2016, 03:45:45 PM »
AMA Time: DAMMIT LEGO!!! You'll stole 3 of my questions! :P

Okay backup question time! :P

1.) What year is it set in (I thought it was like 2090 or something) and if so, why that particular time frame? What appealed to you about that point in time?

2.) Where did you get the names from for the technology?

3.) Is Lance really de Will there be multiple POV's in the story, or will it just be primarily from Evan, Lance and Elliots perspective?

Thats all I've got, lego stole the good ones :o

1. That's quite a specific year you're vibing haha. I'd say it's a little closer to 2040-50 range, virtual reality is already around the corner in real life and technological advancements are getting more and more rapid. The Dream Lab is incredibly unique to people in the setting even when they're all wrapped up in V-Ware but I don't think it would take as long as 2090 to advance that far if someone as rich as Lance and Elliott put all their money into it.

2. I came up with V-Ware when I was watching a Youtuber I follow play a Wario-Ware game haha! Dream Lab was originally just a file name while I was writing because I hadn't decided on a title. It grew on me.

3. Well the truth about Lance is that he's actually There will be. Evan will be taking a bigger role, as will Victoria. There's also going to be one other character that hasn't appeared yet that I'm really quite excited to get involved.   
Elliott's POV was more of a one-off for the epilogue of Volume I so while he's a very important character for future chapters it's unlikely you'll be reading from his POV again.

Thanks for the review man, reading these and getting some input on what can be fixed up is really helpful and it's actually making me want to write Volume 2 a little sooner than planned. :D   

Online OhGodHelpMe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 697
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: Dream Lab
« Reply #23 on: January 24, 2016, 09:01:40 PM »
Well, I usually start with negatives  :noidea:

But I don't really have any. Pretty much every aspect of the story I pay attention to was done pretty well. Pacing, perspective that makes sense, descriptions, dialogue, it all meshed pretty well in this case.  :hmm: Really I'm trying to think after reading this but I can't think of any negatives that really stuck out to me.

So then on to the positives  8)

First, I love how every chapter starts with a quote from the characters of the story. It leaves a charming little signature akin to "See You, Space Cowboy", "BLACK SCREEN", or the end of episode screens in Sankarea. Just a running theme that carries on through the chapters and becomes expected, almost part of the experience.

Second, there's a sense of wonder and mystery surrounding Lance in particular that draws you into wanting to learn more about his character and his past. He deals with objects and people in such a bold and absolutist manner that it almost conveys a sense of paranoid cautiousness.  :clapping: So in other words, he's a good character, the star of the story in my opinion. Plus, you gotta love dudes with lots of fame and power that act like bums simply because they can and they know they'll get away with it anyway  8) Like Tony Stark or something.

Dialogue exchanges between characters were funny when they were trying to be, suspenseful when they were trying to be, and just did their job wherever they needed to. So, you nailed it in that regard. The words spoken all felt natural as you read them, not forced at all. And as I said, the pacing was pretty good too, not too fast and not too slow.

Maybe my only complaint (and a really nitpicky one at that to be honest) is the fact that the building described in Chapter 1 pretty much amounted to "Yeah, well, it's big and awesome and stuff, you should totally check it out bro  8) " Which I can't say I have a huge problem with because who the hell wants to describe large buildings with the accuracy of a modern day sniper rifle?

All in all, this was a good read, and you're a good writer  :clapping:

Offline 50 Words for Paipis

  • Understood Newt
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2492
  • Gender: Male
  • A truly critical mind is an open mind, and vice versa.
    • View Profile
Re: Dream Lab
« Reply #24 on: January 24, 2016, 11:32:28 PM »
Review:
Spoiler
It was an enjoyable, clear, slim, streamlined read, if the premise is a bit close to Paprika. I like the quotes at the beginning of the chapters, too.

The pacing sometimes is too fast, however. The chapters are short (which I realize might be for circa 25 pg comic adaptions), and there is definitely more ground to be mined.

For instance, we get to see Evan go to work. Great. But if we had something a bit more of consequence to the story than just that news report, like a better establishment of Evan as a character. A key trait or even a clear establishment of what he does. He needs to be better established before we switch perspectives. At least, if the chapters were to remain divided as they are, which I will get to.

The scene where Lance was angry was a bit abrupt, or, rather, a bit unconvincing, especially considering we don’t know exactly what he’s angry about and why. It’s for some reason treated as more serious than Elliott’s anger, and marks a dramatic shift in tone that doesn’t quite work.

Why does Velmont call IDT a “charade”? Charade would refer to something fake wouldn’t it?

Okay: The first three chapters seem more like one chapter. The divisions between them seem more like commercial breaks in a TV episode rather than the entire episode, if that makes sense.

Overall the tension seems to ramp up a little too fast. Not at a steady rate, but all at once. A slower or just more consistent build of the events would be a bit better.

For instance, the stone colossus appearing in reality is a bit of a bombshell to just throw in there. Maybe slow down the pace of that passage. Maybe describe a little more what’s going through Lance’s mind as he sees the colossus. Secondly, Elliot’s emotional display at the end of chapter five feels a little early. Maybe more about his thoughts there?

Questions:
1. What inspired your narrative style? Not the premise, but the dialogue, the pace, the prose style etc.

2. Where did you get all those names for the characters?
« Last Edit: January 24, 2016, 11:34:36 PM by Paipis »

Offline DevilPogoStick

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 211
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: Dream Lab
« Reply #25 on: January 25, 2016, 12:00:53 AM »
I admit, read up to two chapters. The writing is actually well done, though the paragraph structure felt off to me. Not against you, just a nitpick.

Story wise, I thought so far there is an interesting premise going on, and a character you can kinda get behind. Lance had that sort of vibe much like Tony Stark as he is cocky but competent. Also, his reaction to Velmont's appearance shows that he has some morals and standards of how his work should be viewed, as a revolutionary work of science than a potential weapon. While I am a bit surprised the group was on his side despite him holding things up, I wasn't surprised to see Velmont go, as he was starting to show a nasty side as Lance pretty much tells him to shut up and pack his bags.

Elliott is a decent character, the go-to guy who tries to put Lance in a position of responsibility but comes off as caring for the company which explains his impatient with Lance's cockiness.

All in all, I thought the conversations were well written and witty.

Offline DevilPogoStick

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 211
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: Dream Lab
« Reply #26 on: January 25, 2016, 12:02:11 AM »
Questions:

1. Is Lance based on Tony Stark? XD He gets that vibe from me.
2. How much is planned for this story?

Offline MisterSherbetLemon

  • The MangaRaiders Political Correctness Enforcer...Ha!
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 676
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: Dream Lab
« Reply #27 on: January 25, 2016, 05:46:26 AM »

Maybe my only complaint (and a really nitpicky one at that to be honest) is the fact that the building described in Chapter 1 pretty much amounted to "Yeah, well, it's big and awesome and stuff, you should totally check it out bro  8) " Which I can't say I have a huge problem with because who the hell wants to describe large buildings with the accuracy of a modern day sniper rifle?

All in all, this was a good read, and you're a good writer  :clapping:

Wow, thanks very much! I had my own concerns about whether I'd written enough to describe the city rather than just focusing completely on the building itself. In the end I argued that the city wasn't a priority setting to describe and cut out a lot for the sake of pace and the length of the anthology which may be why that stands out for you.  Really appreciate the input. :D

Review:
Spoiler
It was an enjoyable, clear, slim, streamlined read, if the premise is a bit close to Paprika. I like the quotes at the beginning of the chapters, too.

The pacing sometimes is too fast, however. The chapters are short (which I realize might be for circa 25 pg comic adaptions), and there is definitely more ground to be mined.

For instance, we get to see Evan go to work. Great. But if we had something a bit more of consequence to the story than just that news report, like a better establishment of Evan as a character. A key trait or even a clear establishment of what he does. He needs to be better established before we switch perspectives. At least, if the chapters were to remain divided as they are, which I will get to.

The scene where Lance was angry was a bit abrupt, or, rather, a bit unconvincing, especially considering we don’t know exactly what he’s angry about and why. It’s for some reason treated as more serious than Elliott’s anger, and marks a dramatic shift in tone that doesn’t quite work.

Why does Velmont call IDT a “charade”? Charade would refer to something fake wouldn’t it?

Okay: The first three chapters seem more like one chapter. The divisions between them seem more like commercial breaks in a TV episode rather than the entire episode, if that makes sense.

Overall the tension seems to ramp up a little too fast. Not at a steady rate, but all at once. A slower or just more consistent build of the events would be a bit better.

For instance, the stone colossus appearing in reality is a bit of a bombshell to just throw in there. Maybe slow down the pace of that passage. Maybe describe a little more what’s going through Lance’s mind as he sees the colossus. Secondly, Elliot’s emotional display at the end of chapter five feels a little early. Maybe more about his thoughts there?

Questions:
1. What inspired your narrative style? Not the premise, but the dialogue, the pace, the prose style etc.

2. Where did you get all those names for the characters?



I wanted to prioritize Lance for this volume but it felt important that Evan get a POV spot prior to the epilogue. His character development will be coming but I'll definitely take note of your thoughts and see if I can fix anything up to better establish him as a character in these chapters.

For Lance's anger, I wanted to establish that despite his joking manner, he has authority to him and there are things he won't tolerate even from Elliott. I guess it was my attempt to show that it is a partnership rather than just Elliott trying to get Lance to do his job.

When Velmont says Charade he means they're just playing a game. He finds it laughable that Lance thinks he can restrict who can control the Dream Lab and V-Ware when Virtual Reality's becoming the biggest thing since sliced bread and he's basically saying Lance is treating his business like a game. Hope that makes a little more sense. 

Will work on my pacing and see how I can improve. Thanks.   

Now for your questions:
Spoiler
1. I can't really say what the inspiration was for my style, it's been trial and error on what works. I knew the characters I wanted but at the beginning I didn't have a plan for how this story or even this volume would end. After I began writing, a plan started coming into place so I switched up a lot of dialogue and pace after that. This was originally just a writing exercise rather than a prose project.

2. For Lance Lawson I wanted something that came off the tongue easily, something that sounded flashy for a news reporter to say. "Lance Lawson, inventor of V-Ware" seemed to fit. Evan's second name "Rothman" is the name of the cigarettes I smoke haha. Victoria Yale seemed an inherently British name and while she's just an intern I think I was going for a character with a similar role to Bruce Wayne's butler Alfred. The others were really just trial and error on what sounded right.             
 
I admit, read up to two chapters. The writing is actually well done, though the paragraph structure felt off to me. Not against you, just a nitpick.

Story wise, I thought so far there is an interesting premise going on, and a character you can kinda get behind. Lance had that sort of vibe much like Tony Stark as he is cocky but competent. Also, his reaction to Velmont's appearance shows that he has some morals and standards of how his work should be viewed, as a revolutionary work of science than a potential weapon. While I am a bit surprised the group was on his side despite him holding things up, I wasn't surprised to see Velmont go, as he was starting to show a nasty side as Lance pretty much tells him to shut up and pack his bags.

Elliott is a decent character, the go-to guy who tries to put Lance in a position of responsibility but comes off as caring for the company which explains his impatient with Lance's cockiness.

All in all, I thought the conversations were well written and witty.

I don't know why but I feel like I am clueless on paragraph structure, switched things around a lot but never too sure the best way to lay things out lol.

I wouldn't say the group were necessarily on Lance's side, they recognize that his business makes a lot of money though and it would be brash of them to risk getting treated the same way as Velmont if they want in on that.

Thanks for the comments, I'm glad you enjoyed the story. :D

Questions:

1. Is Lance based on Tony Stark? XD He gets that vibe from me.
2. How much is planned for this story?


1. I see what you mean about the Stark vibe but Lance wasn't really based on him. He's actually based on a guy I know who has the personality traits without the money haha.
2. I know exactly what's happening for the next volume and a half but I expect it to be at least five volumes in total. There's two possible endings that I haven't decided between yet.       

Offline 50 Words for Paipis

  • Understood Newt
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2492
  • Gender: Male
  • A truly critical mind is an open mind, and vice versa.
    • View Profile
Re: Dream Lab
« Reply #28 on: January 25, 2016, 11:02:03 AM »
I wanted to prioritize Lance for this volume but it felt important that Evan get a POV spot prior to the epilogue. His character development will be coming but I'll definitely take note of your thoughts and see if I can fix anything up to better establish him as a character in these chapters.
I should probably explain that  I wouldn't want anything like "here's a run down of Evan's psyche." Just a better sense of what he does at IDT maybe. You do establish that within the first three chapters, but with the first chapter ending where it does, the scene with Evan feels unfinished. It's a good starting place but it doesn't go anywhere before switching to Lance. If you combined the first three chapters Evan would be fine because you do establish him in the first three chapters. But, I get why you might not want to do that. As one chapter, it might be longer than you want your chapters to be.

And really, with pacing, it's just that the emotional moments turn up on a dime without much tension build up. If, for instance, you showed Elliott being nervous about Lance possibly finding the name before hand, you would have built up enough tension for that moment to feel convincing. If, just before the colossus showed up, you showed smaller objects turning up, you would have built up enough tension for the colossus to turn up.

I think the scene with Elliott in chapter V may have been a different problem. You clarified why he was feeling that way well enough, but I feel the crying might have been a bit much. The glass shattering on the ground would actually make for a good ending for the chapter, too.

Anyway, I'm replying not because I want to be contentious, but because my first review was rather haphazard and felt I should clarify. "The pacing's too fast at points" maybe a hard thing to see if I don't give examples and clear reasons behind it.

Offline MisterSherbetLemon

  • The MangaRaiders Political Correctness Enforcer...Ha!
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 676
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: Dream Lab
« Reply #29 on: January 25, 2016, 11:27:02 AM »
I should probably explain that  I wouldn't want anything like "here's a run down of Evan's psyche." Just a better sense of what he does at IDT maybe. You do establish that within the first three chapters, but with the first chapter ending where it does, the scene with Evan feels unfinished. It's a good starting place but it doesn't go anywhere before switching to Lance. If you combined the first three chapters Evan would be fine because you do establish him in the first three chapters. But, I get why you might not want to do that. As one chapter, it might be longer than you want your chapters to be.

And really, with pacing, it's just that the emotional moments turn up on a dime without much tension build up. If, for instance, you showed Elliott being nervous about Lance possibly finding the name before hand, you would have built up enough tension for that moment to feel convincing. If, just before the colossus showed up, you showed smaller objects turning up, you would have built up enough tension for the colossus to turn up.

I think the scene with Elliott in chapter V may have been a different problem. You clarified why he was feeling that way well enough, but I feel the crying might have been a bit much. The glass shattering on the ground would actually make for a good ending for the chapter, too.

Anyway, I'm replying not because I want to be contentious, but because my first review was rather haphazard and felt I should clarify. "The pacing's too fast at points" maybe a hard thing to see if I don't give examples and clear reasons behind it.

I was trying to stick to around 2000-2500 words for each chapter, there was originally an extra part to Evan but I cut it because it got super long winded lol.

I think I'll stick with things as they are between Elliott and Lance at the start because my way of thinking is that Elliott doesn't expect Lance to bother looking at who he's meeting (although I may put something in to clarify that). I like the idea about some more subtle changes in what Lance sees before the colossus though, thanks!

I have a motive for Elliott crying as there's an emotional motive to his side of things but since I'm not showing that in this volume you may be right on ending it with the glass smashing.

Don't worry about being contentious dude, I really appreciate that you've took the time to read it thoroughly and give some good constructive feedback! :D