Eden Husk // Apocalypse Archive

[NO1SY]

EDEN HUSK // APOCALYPSE ARCHIVE

[Aozora]

Very nice No1sey. I do believe Noah will prove a "fiery" contender in future MR character tournaments...ok, bad pun XD.

This flowed pretty well for me because our writing styles are very similar in terms of having the present-tense character actions combined with descriptions and narrative commentary written in past tense. There were a few errors in there like you repeated "before him" twice in a sentence but these can be easily fixed whenever you have time to look over it.

As for my thoughts on the story, it was quite an enjoyable read. My favorite moments were between Noah and Balthazar, especially when Noah witnesses Balthazar's tragic memories. Those scenes with the destroyed village and bloodied bodies were pretty dark, but even Shounen series can cross over into Seinen territory from time to time like Naruto and Claymore. I really like this Balthazar fella. The fact that he gave Noah his powers but then said no one should be allowed to leave the box really paints him as a gray character. Can't really figure out whether he's a good or bad guy. Guess we'll find out! Keep up the good work. Hope you find the time to continue this.

[NO1SY]

Thanks for taking the time to read it (and for pointing out that error... I have changed that now... oops...)

It's actually quite difficult to write in present tense... but I think it fits the story, especially as the lives of the 4 beings will be seen in past tense, which will offer a good contrast. If there were any bits outside of Balthazar's narrative written in the past tense then i'm probably going to change them to present.

Glad you enjoyed it anyways. Balthazar's life-story was actually the first thing that I wrote for this, and I think the life stories of the 4 beings are actually the stand out moments for the story too. They are dark but they are meant to get Noah thinking about how he views his own life.

I will definitely be continuing this as soon as I can... but fare warn, Noah won't just be fiery when your character comes to face him

[Lumaria]

As I read, I quickly caught on to the present tense action, past tense description. To me it was a clear way of telling us rather than showing us. And there have been plenty of areas where you could have shown rather than told. Most of it wasn't descriptive, it was just telling us what he felt. Minor background info. Etc. First person would have been more ideal in this scenario as we could've heard more of MC. We could also hear how he describes things and his views. But even then also given more opurtunity to get to know him more on action.

I really didn't understand this character. Or maybe he seemed to typical happy go lucky. He just didn't have a strong distinguished personality. When he goes inside that box (Pandora's box) all form of character development is put at a halt. He acts cowardly, but even certain cowards act in specific ways. He was a bit exagerrated but in the beginning, he's  not. Pandora appears to act like some comedic fairy.

Overall it was far too lengthy, and yet so little was developed. A lot of action, you sure described certain yhings, but when it came to the fact paced scenes, you just stopped describing. One of the major gripes I have is how coincidental the MC found that box. I don't really care if it was fated or not, but give it a little more than just  inside a tree trunk.

The way he just accepts things is odd.....even if he accepted the situation he was in, shouldn't he be wanting to know more about his situation before getting to know characters? 

You revealed so many terms.

 

[NO1SY]

Hmmm... well, Noah finding the box and getting taken inside isn't meant to be fated, just coincidental as you said. I'm sorry you don't like that, but I just needed a way for him to find the box and touch it, and considering the imagery surrounding biblical Eden I decided that inside a tree was a fitting choice. Then it was just a case of giving him a reason to be at the tree and so on and so forth.

Noah's character isn't meant to be happy-go-lucky. Personally when I read through it that's not how he comes across to me. Before entering the box, there isn't any character development though. His character is somewhat established - as someone that wants a quiet life, shirks responsibility, doesn't want others to have any expectations of him. He has no friends, and he doesn't feel like he has much of a place in the world. When he enters the box I had to try to show that he was unnerved and disorientated and didn't want to be there either, but I wasn't ever going to spend a lot of time showing how he adjusts. I wasn't even meant to spend a lot of time focusing on the stuff happening outside the box in the first place. It just happened... He accepts things quickly, but that's just to keep the ball rolling, so I decided that it was best to not give him the chance to want to know more. Moreover, wanting to know stuff doesn't really fit his character in the beginning anyways. Pandora answers his questions on the most notable stuff anyway. Regardless, for the purpose of plot, Noah's character must show that humans are capable of change and good things - that is the major rule that I am following for his character.

Pandora is not a comedic character. Her only motivation is the reclamation of her powers and so is not afraid of the Creatures of Eden, hence why she may not appear to share the same level of concern as Noah. I don't quite know how you read her dialogue, but I tried to write her as a passive character that's always there in the background to guide Noah to act, and to observe Noah during his time in the box. A lot of the questions the reader may have at this point will stem from the fact that a lot of stuff, like who the 4 beings are and why Eden now exists in Pandoras box, is not being explained to Noah by Pandora, and I want you to know that is intentional.

When I continue writing I will probably just go through and add in a bit more description to the second half. There are points where it does feel as if the actions that are happening need to have a distinct interaction with the environment and the writing doesn't achieve that. But I'm not going to write this in first person, sorry.

[Lumaria]

The adjustment is very easy. But If you're going to stick with third prson, don't over reveal. You are already portraying the narrative as a distinct individual. So either establish the narrative as a character, or dont.


The bigger problems are that Pandora answers questions, but leaves no major impact. You really not putting value in Noah as a character or other forms. For a character who is in the middle of something important, he doesnt want to get answers. And with Pandora giving passive responces. Those two aspects combined, do you feel that is beneficial for the reader?


You are writing, but for the sake of just telling the story, you skip all the important aspects.


Do you want your readers to like Noah? I'm sure you  do. And I'm sure you know what to do to leave an impression on readers.

Pandora appears comedic to me. Quick answers. From what I can gather on my side, she seems bubbly from the first impression.


Do you recognize that some of these flaws are fundamental?

[NO1SY]

Ok I have changed all the parts that were incorrectly past tense... I should really not write at 2am ever again...

I also added in a bit more description to the later half as well as a few descriptions to indicate Noah's thoughts and feelings. Don't know how much of a difference it makes. Also took out parts that could make Pandora appear as a comedic character. She is still a bit friendly from the get go, that's because she is tethered to Noah and she needs him to escape the box though.

The bigger problems are that Pandora answers questions, but leaves no major impact. You really not putting value in Noah as a character or other forms. For a character who is in the middle of something important, he doesnt want to get answers. And with Pandora giving passive responces. Those two aspects combined, do you feel that is beneficial for the reader?

Hmm that's an interesting perspective. Aside from being entertained I don't particularly have much desire with this story to leave any significant impressions with the reader. This story isn't trying to say anything really or give a message. The focus really is just on telling a story. Pandora is also pulling punches with her answers a lot.


Can I ask Lorenx, what you consider to be an over-reveal? (So I can avoid it.) Thanks :)

[legomaestro]

So nothing can leave the world, huh. That must be pretty problematice.

Pretty epic battle there. Pretty epic fire manipulation too. It's great that Noah didn't whine and moan too much about getting into his battle role that much.

Nice chapter there, looks like you worked at this one. Good luck with writing the next chapters and stuff. Interesting read.

[NO1SY]

Thanks Lego :) Glad you liked the fight too, I wanted to give him more than your typical fire manipulation skills.

I'm not sure if this is really a chapter... it's just as far as I've gotten and seemed like a decent place to take a break. Section 2 will just be a continuation.

Just wanted to get the thread set up while I have the free time. 

[legomaestro]

So it's a short story then as planned?

[NO1SY]

Yes... I hope... I mean the potential 12 000 or so words doesn't seem short... thats just less than the length that my dissertation was... but I don't see myself giving it chapters.

[legomaestro]

I feel bad for asking about length . I just read an anthology by Dean Koontz where the author complained about how publishing companies were so hung up on labelling works of fiction by their length (He had had to hack and slash away at one of his stories to make it a 'sufficiently short story' until he finally said they could keep their money and he'd seek publishing elsewhere) . I guess I'm sort of in that habit too, for some reason.

[NO1SY]

Nah I don't mind man! I'm not trying to limit myself lengthwise - it could finish at 9000 words or at 20 000, it'll just be done when I feel it's done.

My main limitation in this story, as Loren pointed out, is that I haven't really been focused too much on character development. But I don't really intend to too much until the plot calls for it - I want this to be quick paced and just tell the story.

I think that it's important to understand what publishing companies require of your pieces when they contract you though. I would never submit this to a publishing company mind you... The limitations and their criteria for a piece can suck in terms of writing what you want, but at the end of the day, catering to those criteria is also a skill.

[legomaestro]

True that. Still haven't gotten around to bothering submitting to one yet though

[NO1SY]

Make sure to research them first, and have a story that they are likely to accept presented in a way that they are willing to publish.