Trying to Write a Good Fight Scene

[Dreadx_Jecht]

Hello all,

I am currently writing a script for my upcoming one-shot manga and I am torn on whether one of the fight scenes that I have included is any good. In my manga, the characters that will be focused on in this one-shot chapter are part of an organization that hunts these creatures/beings called Maju and keep them away from human civilization.

In the oneshot, a group of these Maju manage to invade a small town and wreak havok, killing several town guards and civilians. 3 Members of the organization are stationed in the town at the time, and when the two lower-ranked ones are unable to defeat the leader of the group of Maju, a 9 foot tall human-like headhunter wielding a crossbow-axe, the sergeant steps in to fight it. This sergeant fights with a pair of twin kurasigama that he keeps concealed in the sleeves of his uniform.

I have an excerpt of the script below and was curious what you all thought of the fight scene. Does it make sense? Is it too long? Anything you could recommend to make it cooler or anything else?

Spoiler

"The Maju leaps at one of the other officers as she's attempting to rescue a young girl and her father with its axe drawn. the weighted end and chain of the kurasigama is then seen whizzing through the air and wrapping around the creature's legs, causing it to fall short and come crashing to the ground. The sergeant has used one of his kurasigama to trip the creature while keeping the other one still concealed in his other sleeve. The other officer is relieved that her squad leader has arrived, but is concerned that her other squad mate that had confronted the beast  earlier has been killed. The sergeant reassured her that her squad mate is too tough to be killed by such an opponent  and order her to take the girl and her father and leave. The officer takes the two and leaves the sergeant to fight the creature.

The creature stands up, angry. It rushes at the sergeant, but suddenly stops in front of him and blitzes behind him with blinding speed, axe drawn. The sergeant calmly but swiftly ducks beneath the horizontal swing of the creature's axe. A grayish-silver glow then envelops the sergeant and his kurasigama. The now aura-enveloped chain wraps around the beast's arms and chest, restraining it as the sergeant calls out his attack,

Metal Art: Unbreakable Chain!!

The beast is unable to free itself of the chains and has its head grabbed by the sergeant. The sergeant knees the creature in the face and then roundhouse kicks the creature into a nearby building. The sergeant notices that his chain came loose from the creature as it was launched and that his aura had already dissipated.

"I need to train more" he say

Suddenly, a crossbow bolt flies from the wrecked building towards the sergeant. The sergeant dodges it, but a flash grenade attacked to the bolt goes off and blinds the sergeant. While the sergeant is blinded, the creature fire another bolt at him. This time, it goes through his right leg. The beast then runs out from the building and jumps into a nearby tree.

The creature readies its crossbow-axe and fires again. The sergeant dodges and retaliates by swinging the scythe end of his kurasigama towards the beast. The beast suddenly dodges by falling forwards and hanging upside down from the branch it was on like a bat. It fires another bolt, this one goes through the arm the seargeant was using the kurasigama with. The creature jumps down and runs at the injured sergeant with its axe drawn. As the creature runs at the sergeant, the sergeant pushes his chi aura into his other arm. Right as the creature is about to strike, the sergeant unleases another special attack,

Metal Art: Enhanced Blade!

The sergeant had revealed the scythe end of his second kurasigama from his other sleeve and swung it at the creature, beheading it."

Let me know what you guys think. I am looking for lots of feedback. 

[Monok]

Firstly. On reading this, I was just a bit 'meh'.

But that aside.

The first bit, before the fight, sounds fine.

Second bit, when the creature rushes him, I don't think it really enhances the fight. Rather I would just have him come in swinging the axe, then the sergeant just makes a matrix style dodge, barely making it, maybe even having the axe nick some of this hair. Then we see the chain and weight swinging.

Nothing wrong with the knee and roundhouse.

When the next arrow comes, just from my own POV, I like the idea that he uses his chain to hit the bolt into the air. Then as he is preparing his next attack it falls down just in front of him, flashbang attached. It goes off, stunning him. Then he takes the bolt through the leg, grounding him.

He tries to counterattack but gets it tangled in the tree because he still can't see properly.

Another bolt flies and pins his foot to the ground. Immobilized the monster jumps towards him, massive overarm swing. Without looking the sarge flicks the twin out of his other sleeve, turns it into a scythe, and beheads the creature. Then narrowly avoids the axe as it continues past him.

He then proceeds to pull the bolt from his leg and foot while still seeing spots in front of his eyes.


Though, to be honest, I find it weird that here you have a monster that stands 50% again as tall as a human, is super fast, super strong, and super tough. Wields a giant axe that has been modified to also be a crossbow. It also has grenades, and is rather acrobatic to boot. And here we are fighting it with a chain...

[Dreadx_Jecht]

Firstly. On reading this, I was just a bit 'meh'.

But that aside.

The first bit, before the fight, sounds fine.

Second bit, when the creature rushes him, I don't think it really enhances the fight. Rather I would just have him come in swinging the axe, then the sergeant just makes a matrix style dodge, barely making it, maybe even having the axe nick some of this hair. Then we see the chain and weight swinging.

Nothing wrong with the knee and roundhouse.

When the next arrow comes, just from my own POV, I like the idea that he uses his chain to hit the bolt into the air. Then as he is preparing his next attack it falls down just in front of him, flashbang attached. It goes off, stunning him. Then he takes the bolt through the leg, grounding him.

He tries to counterattack but gets it tangled in the tree because he still can't see properly.

Another bolt flies and pins his foot to the ground. Immobilized the monster jumps towards him, massive overarm swing. Without looking the sarge flicks the twin out of his other sleeve, turns it into a scythe, and beheads the creature. Then narrowly avoids the axe as it continues past him.

He then proceeds to pull the bolt from his leg and foot while still seeing spots in front of his eyes.


Though, to be honest, I find it weird that here you have a monster that stands 50% again as tall as a human, is super fast, super strong, and super tough. Wields a giant axe that has been modified to also be a crossbow. It also has grenades, and is rather acrobatic to boot. And here we are fighting it with a chain...

Thanks for the feedback. As for the seemingly lopsided matchup, you have to remember, the characters in the work can enhance their weapons and themselves using their own powers. This sergeant is still fairly new at his job and hasn't mastered his powers yet. Also, just from what I've seen, there are aloth of anime/manga where large, fast enemies are dispatched by unassumingly simple weapons.

Finally, what made the scene a bit 'meh' to you?

[dennyscomics]

I think the dialogie is the real problem for me, its cheezy. "...by such an opponent" and "i need to train more" that killed it for me, but a lot of people fail when it comes to dialogue because they dont write what people would say in real life. I would stick with straight action and have sound effects and yelling and skip on the dialogue all together. Show, dont tell.

[MisterSherbetLemon]

I feel this is a little jumbled. You switch from explaining what they are saying without quotes to using a single small quote for their speech. Try to be a little more consistent, I would suggest quoting all dialogue for the sake of a consistent script. If the officer is concerned for her squad mate, make sure readers know how she shows that. Does she look around with concern for the squad mate? Does she shout for them or is it all classic manga inner-monologue? :P

Don't know if I find it cheesy the way denny does, to be honest I'd need to read more dialogue before I could judge. A good story is in there but you need to be consistent with your writing to bring it out.

[Dreadx_Jecht]

I feel this is a little jumbled. You switch from explaining what they are saying without quotes to using a single small quote for their speech. Try to be a little more consistent, I would suggest quoting all dialogue for the sake of a consistent script. If the officer is concerned for her squad mate, make sure readers know how she shows that. Does she look around with concern for the squad mate? Does she shout for them or is it all classic manga inner-monologue? :P

Don't know if I find it cheesy the way denny does, to be honest I'd need to read more dialogue before I could judge. A good story is in there but you need to be consistent with your writing to bring it out.

Hmm, well I did omit a bit of dialogue when I was typing this up, but I see what you're saying. I will be making a few changes. After his squadmate leaves, any quotes you see (which I ommitted a few here) will be from the sergeant's inner monologue. As far as the fight choreography, which I was mainly wanting help with, I'll be looking into whatever adjustments I can make. Since this is at the beginning of my story though, the heroes aren't epic badasses yet and I wanted to establish these Maju as a legitimate threat. 

[Jackhammer]

      To me, the whole scene felt a bit hurried. Maybe you should take your time with it? Think the scene, frame by frame, in your head and then try t pour it all out. I know my sin is trying to say too much in the smallest ammount of time possible, making most of my texts confusing at best.

      One of the things to note is also thinking about fights in general. They are rarely quiet, unless its something like monks fighting. Most fights are loud, the air is filled with whistling of arrows and weapons clashing against one another, grunts shouts and screams everywhere. To me, it felt as if everything was done in complete silence.

      Are the Maju stronger than avarage soldiers? Are they more agile, smarter? All of these things you should consider when depicting fights. Usually, if the enemy is stronger, the best way to defest is to keep your distance and fight it in range. In a contest of strenght, weaker usually looses, unless you outsmart the opponent. What I'm trying to say here is Tactics. How would you fight them in general?

      These are the things that came to me now. I might think more points of interest after I've slept on it but I hope my thoughts were of use to you. Keep up the good work and most importantly, have fun and be passionate about what you do! Also, red wine. If you are age of course.

[MisterSherbetLemon]

Hmm, well I did omit a bit of dialogue when I was typing this up, but I see what you're saying. I will be making a few changes. After his squadmate leaves, any quotes you see (which I ommitted a few here) will be from the sergeant's inner monologue. As far as the fight choreography, which I was mainly wanting help with, I'll be looking into whatever adjustments I can make. Since this is at the beginning of my story though, the heroes aren't epic badasses yet and I wanted to establish these Maju as a legitimate threat.

Sorry I kinda drove away from what you were looking for in my review by focusing on dialogue. The point I should've emphasized was that the script itself needs to be consistent because I found it hard to focus on the fight itself due to the changes in style of writing. It's less of a script and more of a summary at the moment. Try to either write it as prose or script it panel for panel. You have the key points of the fight down but you may want to get into more detail so that an artist knows how you want it to come across visually.

[Dreadx_Jecht]

Hmm, well I did omit a bit of dialogue when I was typing this up, but I see what you're saying. I will be making a few changes. After his squadmate leaves, any quotes you see (which I ommitted a few here) will be from the sergeant's inner monologue. As far as the fight choreography, which I was mainly wanting help with, I'll be looking into whatever adjustments I can make. Since this is at the beginning of my story though, the heroes aren't epic badasses yet and I wanted to establish these Maju as a legitimate threat.

Sorry I kinda drove away from what you were looking for in my review by focusing on dialogue. The point I should've emphasized was that the script itself needs to be consistent because I found it hard to focus on the fight itself due to the changes in style of writing. It's less of a script and more of a summary at the moment. Try to either write it as prose or script it panel for panel. You have the key points of the fight down but you may want to get into more detail so that an artist knows how you want it to come across visually.

I see, well the funny thing is, I have a panel-by panel breakdown, but I just summarized it here to save time. I'll add it in its entirety next time.

[RoseHitogoroshi]

What I kind missed was description of the surroundings. You could have involved it much better as, at least I like to think, a higher officer would use his surrandings little more usefully. That would give reader little better environment where this fight would happen. Truth to be told, I'm lost at which kind of environment I should think off. A small town surrounded by trees or a house with a tree at back yard? Which one it's going to be?
Nothing to blame on dialogues, they are what they are. Nothing world breaking in that area.
In that same idea as that surrounding point, I would have liked some desciption of our characters, both Maju and sergant, look. Nothing too detailed, but like how they look like compared. Totally different from each other or are they sharing some common features?
Just my point of view that you can disagree or agree with. Hope I helped somehow 
P.s Excuse my English. I'm trying to learn writing pure English, but as things are what they are, I speak better than write