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Author Topic: FNO  (Read 48325 times)

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Offline Lovus Eternius

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Re: FNO
« Reply #180 on: August 08, 2015, 12:59:23 PM »
Hyperboles work excellently when used well: "The macabre spectacle of flying limbs" during a shelling in WW1 is good. That paragraph about her gagging was awful.
It was. I will not justify it.

Offline Lumaria

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Re: FNO
« Reply #181 on: August 09, 2015, 03:33:24 AM »
I find that you should decide Lord Kesashi: work with a character personality that suits your story. Or dont.


How relevant is Tara's personality alone?
Stop playing victim....you know what you did.

Offline L.K. [Taikichi]

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Re: FNO
« Reply #182 on: August 09, 2015, 05:21:27 AM »
Technically only her pre-amnesia personality is relevant to get the story moving. After that I can pretty much give her any personality I want and the story can move all the same.

This time I've created a draft using your example as a template, Lumaria. Since there was never a significant focus change in this version I did not divide it into parts this time. My primary focus in this chapter was to slow down the story and also to begin developing a new character this chapter will introduce.

Chapter 1

Spoiler
Setting: A green and healthy forest in bright daylight. A woman lies on the ground. Above her head is the name "Tara" in plain text. The woman wakes up.

Tara (Thinking): (Looking around) Where am I?

Tara stands up.

Tara (Thinking): A forest?

Tara scans the forest for a moment.

Tara (Thinking): Why would I be here? (Placing her hand on her head) I can't remember anything.

Tara walks around and feels the trees as she walks by them.

Tara (Thinking): These trees feel so odd. They don't feel real at all. This is so strange.

The bushes behind Tara shake.

Tara: (Turning around) Who's there?

Out from the bushes crawls a rabbit. Above the rabbit's head is the name "Vicious Hare" in plain text. Tara kneels in front of the fearless rodent and watches him smell around. Tara reaches her hand out and pets the rabbit's body gently.

Tara (Thinking): (Relieved) This bunny feels real enough... I was starting to worry.

Tara reads the name.

Tara: (Inquisitively) "Vicious Hare"? Is this a projection?

Tara reaches her hand out and touches the text. It then reveals a dropdown menu listing out more attributes of the rabbit.

Tara: What the...(Reading) "Level 4, Beast, Aggressive" It's like something out of a video game. (Petting the rabbit) I think Fluffy Hare would be a much better name.

The rabbit's eyes immediately start to glow bright red and it hisses at her flashing its sharp teeth. Tara shrieks. The rabbit leaps at her, and she swats it away with her hand. The animal falls to the ground. It's hollow body is then blown away, nothing more than a glowing light-blue dust, and fades way. After the animal's name disappears the plain text "1 Exp" appears in its place and then fades away.

Tara (In shock) It-it disappeared. It was real, I felt it. It attacked me and then...

Ominous Man: I bet you're rethinking that name you gave your little friend.

Tara: (Surprised) I-I didn't mean to hurt it, I just... (Describing it to herself) It was like its eyes started to glow red like some kind of a monster.

Behind her was a man in a pitch black cloak with his face shadowed under his hood, and a dark aura surrounded him. The man helps her on her feet. Above his head is the name "Olsin" and just below that there is the name "Bless" in green text surrounded by brackets.

Olsin: It's good to see you're still alive, Tara.

Tara: Er... Do I know you?

Ominous Man: You don't remember me? I'll give you a hint. (Pointing) Look above my head.

Tara: (Reading)  "Olsin". Why does your name appear above your head?

Olsin: Don't tell me, you've forgotten all about FNO?

Tara: "FNO"? What is that?

Olsin: FNO stands for The Fall of Nations Online. You're inside an MMORPG

Tara: (Looking around) Inside a video game... How can that be?

Olsin: Right now you're wearing a console on your head that intercepts the nervous system. This console is responsible for everything you're seeing. Put simply, you're playing a virtual reality game.

Tara: So I'm a player?

Olsin: Correct.

Tara: And you are also a player?

Olsin: Indubitably. Given that the console is connected to your mind, your loss of memory might be the result of a glitch in the system it wouldn't be the first glitch we've seen.

Tara: A glitch...?

Olsin: Indeed. (Walking away) Come follow me.

Tara: Where will be taking me?

Olsin: Trust me, I'll explain on the way.

Olsin leads Tara through the forest. Tara notices the fantasy themed enemies. One of the enemies approaches Olsin and without looking at it or altering his path he extends his hand towards it. Icicles then spear through the body of the monster and, in the absence of gore, it fades away.

Olsin: These are called monsters, mindless killing machines who'll attack anyone on sight. Most are aggressive, some only attack when provoked, some are wise enough not to target us stronger players. 

Tara: (Speaking to herself) They want to kill me.

Olsin: Show them no mercy.

Tara watches a lone, white wolf notice them and then go away.

Olsin:(Addressing her silence) Something wrong, Tara?

Tara: This is all just so new to me. So we were... were we friends?

Olsin stops.

Olsin: (Smiling) Why don't you check your Friends List? Just think about the Menu and it will appear. Don't worry if you don't get it on your first try.

Tara squints and a projection of a dropdown menu appears in front of her. Olsin looks amused.

Olsin (Thinking): She actually got it on her first try after her losing her memory. I mustn't forget, this is Tara after all.

Tara: It says my class is the Awakener and I'm level 75. Is that good?

Olsin: Level 100 is the highest a player can achieve. You do the math.

Tara: You are on my Friends List. Olsin, level 91, Class: Time Controller... You're... the only one.

Olsin: You and I were researching a glitch in the system and we believed someone was tampering with the system.

Tara: (Curious) Another glitch?

Olsin: (Walking Away) Yes, the glitch we noticed recently is that the Log Out function has been disabled. As of now there is no way to exit the game. If I recall, you'd nearly found the culprit. Your sudden loss of memory might not be the result of a random glitch. Another reason why it's imperative that we get your memory back.

Tara: (Following him) I see.

Olsin: But first things first, we need to get you re-oriented. I'll have to teach you how to play FNO again, and I know just the place. I'm taking you to my guild, Bless. I just hope they'll understand.

Tara: Why wouldn't they understand?

Olsin: (Grinning) You were actually quite infamous really, but that's a story for another time because we're home.

They were hardly out of the woods. In front of them was a large mansion building and a grassland plain across the horizon. The building was like a gothic palace. Olsin knocks on the large double doors. An expressionless woman, dressed in a classic maid outfit, opens the door. Above her head is the name "Danielle" and below that there is again the name "Bless" in green text.

Danielle: Welcome home, Olsin. (Staring at Tara) Are you aware you're being followed.

Olsin: Danielle, you remember Tara right.

Daniella: (Emotionlessly) Of course. How could I forget the one who swindled me into eternal servitude for a debt that I can never repay.

Tara: (Defensively) Eternal servitude, that can't be right. I thought we were all just playing a game here.

Danielle: Olsin, I am certain this woman is not Tara.

Danielle unsheathes the rapier at her side.

Danielle: Shall I execute the imposter?

Olsin: (laughing) That won't be necessary. Trouble with the console has given her a bit of memory loss. She might not sound like herself right now, but it is her I assure you.

Danielle:(Putting her saber away) Very well. (Moving aside) Please come in.

They enter the mansion. Inside it was much more luxurious than it appeared from outside. The walls were filled with trophies from strange creatures, heads, teeth, limbs, weapons and other miscellaneous belongings all proudly displayed.

Danielle: (Leading them) Yes, we certainly are playing a game right now, but I have responsibilities that I must honor.

Danielle brings them to a grand staircase that seems to unite all parts of the house. Against the walls there were Sofas against the wall to rest on.

Olsin: Please have a seat, Tara. Danielle.

Danielle: Yes sir?

Olsin: Please watch her in case the other members make a fuss, and do explain the situation to them, if you wouldn't mind. I need to go speak to Osval. I'll be right back.

Danielle: Yes sir.

After Olsin leaves, Tara curiously taps her finger against Danielle's name above her head. It then extends a menu showing more attributes about her: "Level: 80, Guild: Bless, Class: Oath Keeper". Danielle ignores Tara's fingers as they clearly intrude upon her personal space.

Tara: Your class is called the Oath Keeper, is that why you have to remain in servitude?

Danielle: (Coldly) No.

Tara pokes Danielle's cheek with her finger.

Danielle: What are you doing?

Tara: Sorry. (Giggling) I was trying to see if I could find out more about your class. You know, since the menu is like a touch screen.

Danielle: You could have just asked. The Oath Keeper is the upgrade to the Knight Class. Knight is the class I chose when I began playing. The Knight is a defense class known as the Second Defense, simply because warrior is the first. Unlike warriors, knights are designed to defend by blocking and evading, so ideally we never actually take damage. And they wield shields and sabers, like warriors, but, unlike warriors, the elegant rapier is our choice saber.

Danielle unsheathes her rapier to display it.

Tara: (Smiling) Neat.

Danielle puts her sword away and turns to her.

Danielle: Could you... ask me another question, please?

Tara stares at her for a moment.

Tara (Thinking): I was going to, but now it's kind of awkward. This girl is so weird.

Danielle: (blushing) I-I mean there must be something else you want to know. You lost your memory right? So you don't know how the game works...

Tara: (Uncomfortably) I uh-.

A menu window abruptly  appears in front of Tara which reads "You have been invited to join Bless." with the options to "accept" or "decline" at the bottom. Olsin descends the stairs and returns to them.

Olsin: Good news, Tara. The guild master agreed to let you join the guild. Just click the accept button and it will be finished.

Tara: (Suspiciously) If we were working together, why wasn't I in your guild already.

Olsin: You liked to play the game without a guild, actually. Before you lost your memory I mean.

Tara hesitantly taps the accept button and the name "Bless" appears just below hers.

Olsin: Thank you for watching her, Danielle, but I need to ask one more favor of you.

Danielle: Yes sir.

Olsin: I need you to teach Tara how to play the game again. She needs to master swordplay in order to use her class. I assumed it'd be easy for you.

Danielle's eyes light up, though she still didn't crack a smile, she was definitely happy to be given this task.

Danielle: Yes sir! I'm honored. (Offering her hand out to Tara) Mistress Tara please come with me.

Tara accepts her hand and Danielle helps her stand on her feet.

Tara: O-Okay.

Danielle leads her away.

Tara (Thinking): What's with this girl?

Olsin: (Waving): Have fun girls.

Olsin leaves in the opposite direction. Olsin enters a large library within the mansion. A book forms in Olsin's hand from that same shining blue dust. He then searches the shelves for a place to put the book away.

Olsin (Thinking): This is an excellent chance to collect data on the system's power over the mind.

Outside the building the same white wolf from before watches Olsin through a window from a safe distance. The wolf begins to speak quietly.

Wolf: I'm beginning to think leaving Tara on her own was a bad idea.

Setting: A more lively meeting room. Alone in the room, a woman, with glasses whose glare hides her eyes, holds her hand over her ear as though she were speaking into a phone. Above her head is the name "Tiffany" and the guild name "403 Forbidden".

Tiffany: Of course it was, you reckless fool! (Concerned)... Lucius, I told you to watch her. What happened to her?

Lucius: (lying) Well nothing too extraordinary. Olsin has befriended her and she's joined his guild.

Tiffany: (Shocked) Tara... a member of Bless. How could you let this happen!

Setting: Outside of the mansion, the wolf continues to speak. The wolf's surroundings turn black and white and the world becomes motionless. A leaf stops midair as it was falling and sits there.

Lucius (Thinking): (Looking around) Wait a second... Did time just stop?

Olsin was ominously standing behind the wolf. In his hand there was a volatile and bright energy forming.

Olsin: That was clever: using that form to hide your username so I wouldn't notice you, Lucius of 403 Forbidden.

Lucius: (Turning to him): Olsin. You certainly do love sneaking up from behind.

Olsin: (Amused) I should kill you right here, but I want you to relay a message for me. Tell every guild member in 403 Forbidden that Olsin just got a new toy to play with, and he doesn't like to share.

Offline Lumaria

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Re: FNO
« Reply #183 on: August 09, 2015, 05:30:19 AM »
Your story still feels rushed. You always skip a few steps. Olsin and Taras conversation is moving a little too quickly.

EDIT:
At least Tara seems more natural. Although i would avoid using the "Er..." and "Umm..." sound effects
« Last Edit: August 09, 2015, 05:34:22 AM by Lumaria »
Stop playing victim....you know what you did.

Offline Icanttakecritiscism

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Re: FNO
« Reply #184 on: August 10, 2015, 05:37:57 AM »
Spoiler
Setting: A green and healthy Sick trees are not greenforest in bright daylight Oxymoron. A woman lies on the ground. Above her head Body surely? is the name "Tara" in plain text. The woman wakes up.

Tara (Thinking): (Looking around) Where am I?

Tara stands up.

Tara (Thinking): A forest? Reader isn't thick

Tara scans the forest for a moment.

Tara (Thinking): Why would I be here? (Placing her hand on her head) I can't remember anything.
This is reading out like a deadpan delivery. Also, that's wrong, why AM I be here, not why WOULD I be here.

Tara walks around and feels the trees as she walks by them. Tree molester?

Tara (Thinking): These trees feel so odd. They don't feel real at all. This is so strange. How the hell does a tree not feel real?

The bushes behind Tara shake.

Tara: (Turning around) Who's there? Or, you know, what.

Out from the bushes crawls a rabbit. Above the rabbit's head is the name "Vicious Hare" No commentin plain text. Tara kneels in front of the fearless rodent and watches him smell around. Tara reaches her hand out and pets the rabbit's body gently.

Tara (Thinking): (Relieved) This bunny feels real enough... I was starting to worry.

Tara reads the name.

Tara: (Inquisitively) "Vicious Hare"? Is this a projection? How do you project a floating name?

Tara reaches her hand out and touches the text. It then reveals a dropdown menu listing out more attributes of the rabbit.

Tara: What the...?(Reading) "Level 4, Beast, Aggressive" It's like something out of a video game. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH this is reading like zombie media where they don't know what zombies are. (Petting the rabbit) I think Fluffy Hare would be a much better name. Send a petition to oxford dictionary then.

The rabbit's eyes immediately start to glow bright red and it hisses at her flashing You can flash your underwear but not your teeth its sharp teeth. Tara shrieks. The rabbit leaps at her, and she swats it away with her hand. The animal falls to the ground. It's hollow body is then blown away, nothing more than a glowing light-blue dust, and fades away. After the animal's name disappears the plain text "1 Exp" appears in its place and then fades away.

Tara (In shock) It-it Oh no, it-it's dead :(disappeared. It was real, I felt it. It attacked me and then...

Ominous Man Intriguing paedophile, voracious drunk, cunning linguist: I bet you're rethinking that name you gave your little friend.

Tara: (Surprised) I-I Again didn't mean to hurt it, I just... (Describing it to herself) It was like its eyes started to glow red like some kind of a monster.

Behind her was a man in a pitch black cloak with his face shadowed hidden by hisunder his hood, and a dark aura surrounded him. The man helps her on her feet. Above his head is the name "Olsin" and just below that there is the name "Bless" in green text surrounded by brackets.

Olsin: It's good to see you're still alive, Tara. The rabbit might have killed her.

Tara: Er... Do I know you? The suspense is overflowing

Ominous Man: You don't remember me? I'll give you a hint. (Pointing) Look above my head. What is going to happen next.

Tara: (Reading) "Olsin". Why does your name appear above your head? HMMMMMMMMMM

Olsin: Don't tell me, you've forgotten all about FNO? TWIST PLOT

Tara: "FNO"? What is that? TWIST PLOT

Olsin: FNO stands for The Fall of Nations Online. You're inside an MMORPG TWIST PLOT

Tara: (Looking around) Inside a video game... How can that be? TWIST PLOT. Also not a reaction anyone would ever have to this kind of situation.

Olsin: Right now you're wearing a console on your head that intercepts the nervous system. This console is responsible for everything you're seeing. Put simply, you're playing a virtual reality game.

Tara: So I'm a player?

Olsin: Correct.

Tara: And you are also a player?

Olsin: Indubitably. In the modern parlance I beseech you.Given that the console is connected to your mind, your loss of memory might be the result of a glitch in the system it wouldn't be the first glitch we've seen. Run on.

Tara: A glitch...? No one born after 1970 won't know what a glitch is

Olsin: Indeed. (Walking away) Come follow me. Rapist alert

Tara: Where will be taking me? Nazi germany? Incorrect phrase too.

Olsin: Trust me, I'll explain on the way. Trust the man in the long overcoat. That's not the beginning of most court cases in the world.

Olsin leads Tara through the forest. Tara notices the fantasy themed enemies. No.One of the enemies approaches Olsin and without looking at it or altering his path he extends his hand towards it. Icicles then spear through the body of the monster and, in the absence of gore, it fades away.

Olsin: These are called monsters,Apparently this guy works at oxford dictionary. She could talk to him about altering the mord rabbit. mindless killing machines who'll attack anyone on sight. Most are aggressive, some only attack when provoked, some are wise enough not to target us stronger players As in... Not being mindless..

Tara: (Speaking to herself) They want to kill me. Slow clap

Olsin: Show them no mercy.

Tara watches a lone, white wolf notice them and then go away. The *censored*?

Olsin:(Addressing her silence) Something wrong, Tara?

Tara: This is all just so new to me. So we were... were we friends?

Olsin stops. Everything? So he stops his heart, his brain... He just dies.

Olsin: (Smiling) Why don't you check your Friends List? Just think about the Menu and it will appear. Don't worry if you don't get it on your first try.

Tara squints and a projection of a dropdown menu appears in front of her. Olsin looks amused.

Olsin (Thinking): She actually got it on her first try after her losing her memory. I mustn't forget, this is Tara after all.

Tara: It says my class is the Awakener and I'm level 75. Is that good?

Olsin: Level 100 is the highest a player can achieve. You do the math. 2+2=5

Tara: You are on my Friends List. Olsin, level 91, Class: Time Controller... You're... the only one.

Olsin: You and I were researching a glitch in the system and we believed someone was tampering with the system.

Tara: (Curious) Another glitch?

Olsin: (Walking Away) Yes, the glitch we noticed recently is that the Log Out function has been disabled. As of now there is no way to exit the game. If I recall, you'd nearly found the culprit. Your sudden loss of memory might not be the result of a random glitch. Another reason why it's imperative that we get your memory back.

Tara: (Following him) I see.

Olsin: But first things first, we need to get you re-orientated. I'll have to teach you how to play FNO again, and I know just the place. I'm taking you to my guild, Bless. I just hope they'll understand.

Tara: Why wouldn't they understand?

Olsin: (Grinning) You were actually quite infamous really, but that's a story for another time because we're home. Too fast transition.

They were hardly out of the woods. In front of them was a large mansion building and a grassland plain across the horizon. The building was like a gothic palace. Olsin knocks on the large double doors. An expressionless woman, dressed in a classic maid outfit, opens the door. Above her head is the name "Danielle" and below that there is again the name "Bless" in green text.

Danielle: Welcome home, Olsin. (Staring at Tara) Are you aware you're being followed.?

Olsin: Danielle, you remember Tara right. Her name is "Tara right"?

Daniella: (Emotionlessly) Of course. How could I forget the one who swindled me into eternal servitude for a debt that I can never repay.

Tara: (Defensively) Eternal servitude, that can't be right. I thought we were all just playing a game here.

Danielle: Olsin, I am certain this woman is not Tara.

Danielle unsheathes the rapier at her side. Maid outfits don't have belts.

Danielle: Shall I execute the imposter?

Olsin: (laughing) That won't be necessary. Trouble with the console has given her a bit of memory loss. She might not sound like herself right now, but it is her I assure you.

Danielle:(Putting her saber Is it a sabre or rapier? away) Very well. (Moving aside) Please come in.

They enter the mansion. Inside it was much more luxurious than it appeared from outside. The walls were filled with trophies from strange creatures, heads, teeth, limbs, weapons and other miscellaneous belongings all proudly displayed.

Danielle: (Leading them) Yes, we certainly are playing a game right now, but I have responsibilities that I must honor.

Danielle brings them to a grand staircase that seems to unite all parts of the house. Against the walls there were sofas against the wall to rest on.

Olsin: Please have a seat, Tara. Danielle.

Danielle: Yes sir?

Olsin: Please watch her in case the other members make a fuss, and do explain the situation to them, if you wouldn't mind. I need to go speak to Osval. I'll be right back.

Danielle: Yes sir.

After Olsin leaves, Tara curiously taps her finger against Danielle's name above her head. It then extends a menu showing more attributes about her: "Level: 80, Guild: Bless, Class: Oath Keeper". Danielle ignores Tara's fingers as they clearly intrude upon her personal space.

Tara: Your class is called the Oath Keeper, is that why you have to remain in servitude?

Danielle: (Coldly) No.

Tara pokes Danielle's cheek with her finger.

Danielle: What are you doing?

Tara: Sorry. (Giggling) Not terribly funny.I was trying to see if I could find out more about your class. You know, since the menu is like a touch screen.

Danielle: You could have just asked. The Oath Keeper is the upgrade to the Knight Class. Knight is the class I chose when I began playing. The Knight is a defense class known as the Second Defense, simply because warrior is the first. Unlike warriors, knights are designed to defend by blocking and evading, so ideally we never actually take damage. And they wield shields and sabers, like warriors, but, unlike warriors, the elegant rapier is our choice saber sabre. Which it isn't, in any case...

Danielle unsheathes her rapier to display it.

Tara: (Smiling) Neat.

Danielle puts her swordYou get four points if you call it a gun next. away and turns to her.

Danielle: Could you... ask me another question, please?

Tara stares at her for a moment.

Tara (Thinking): I was going to, but now it's kind of awkward. This girl is so weird.

Danielle: (blushing) I-I mean there must be something else you want to know. You lost your memory right? So you don't know how the game works...

Tara: (Uncomfortably) I uh-.

A menu window abruptly  appears in front of Tara which reads "You have been invited to join Bless." with the options to "accept" or "decline" at the bottom. Olsin descendswalks down the stairs and returns to them.

Olsin: Good news, Tara. The guild master agreed to let you join the guild. Just click the accept button and it will be finished.

Tara: (Suspiciously) If we were working together, why wasn't I in your guild already?

Olsin: You liked to play the game without a guild, actually. Before you lost your memory, I mean.

Tara hesitantly taps the accept button and the name "Bless" appears just below hers.

Olsin: Thank you for watching her, Danielle, but I need to ask one more favor of you.

Danielle: Yes sir.

Olsin: I need you to teach Tara how to play the game again. She needs to master swordplay in order to use her class. I assumed it'd be easy for you.

Danielle's eyes light up, though she still didn't crack a smile, she was definitely happy to be given this task.

Danielle: Yes sir! I'm honored. (Offering her hand out to Tara) Mistress Tara please come with me.

Tara accepts her hand and Danielle helps her stand on her feet.

Tara: O-Okay.

Danielle leads her away.

Tara (Thinking): What's with this girl?

Olsin: (Waving): Have fun girls.

Olsin leaves in the opposite direction. Olsin enters a large library within the mansion. A book forms in Olsin's hand from that same shining blue dust. He then searches the shelves for a place to put the book away.

Olsin (Thinking): This is an excellent chance to collect data on the system's power over the mind.

Outside the building the same white wolf from before watches Olsin through a window from a safe distance. The wolf begins to speak quietly.

Wolf: I'm beginning to think leaving Tara on her own was a bad idea.

Setting: A more lively meeting room. Alone in the room, a woman, with glasses whose glare hides her eyes, holds her hand over her ear as though she were speaking into a phone. Above her head is the name "Tiffany" and the guild name "403 Forbidden".

Tiffany: Of course it was, you reckless fool! (Concerned)... Lucius, I told you to watch her. What happened to her?

Lucius: (lying) Well nothing too extraordinary. Olsin has befriended her and she's joined his guild.

Tiffany: (Shocked) Tara... a member of Bless. How could you let this happen!

Setting: Outside of the mansion, the wolf continues to speak. The wolf's surroundings turn black and white and the world becomes motionless. A leaf stops midair as it was falling and sits there.

Lucius (Thinking): (Looking around) Wait a second... Did time just stop?

Olsin was ominously standing behind the wolf. In his hand there was a volatile and bright energy forming.

Olsin: That was clever: using that form to hide your username so I wouldn't notice you, Lucius of 403 Forbidden.

Lucius: (Turning to him): Olsin. You certainly do love sneaking up from behind.

Olsin: (Amused) I should kill you right here, but I want you to relay a message for me. Tell every guild member in 403 Forbidden that Olsin just got a new toy to play with, and he doesn't like to share.

Not good for the moment. Adverbs should be avoided, if you can't describe someone without using an adverb you're doing it wrong. No one speaks like Olsin, Tara reads like deadpan half the time and is annoyingly stupid. It was badly punctuated, often resulting in (hilarious though) run-ons, and generally just feeding useless info to the reader with a big spoon.

Offline L.K. [Taikichi]

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Re: FNO
« Reply #185 on: August 11, 2015, 01:21:00 AM »
Spoiler
Setting: A green and healthy Sick trees are not greenforest in bright daylight Oxymoron. A woman lies on the ground. Above her head Body surely? is the name "Tara" in plain text. The woman wakes up.

Tara (Thinking): (Looking around) Where am I?

Tara stands up.

Tara (Thinking): A forest? Reader isn't thick

Tara scans the forest for a moment.

Tara (Thinking): Why would I be here? (Placing her hand on her head) I can't remember anything.
This is reading out like a deadpan delivery. Also, that's wrong, why AM I be here, not why WOULD I be here.

Tara walks around and feels the trees as she walks by them. Tree molester?

Tara (Thinking): These trees feel so odd. They don't feel real at all. This is so strange. How the hell does a tree not feel real?

The bushes behind Tara shake.

Tara: (Turning around) Who's there? Or, you know, what.

Out from the bushes crawls a rabbit. Above the rabbit's head is the name "Vicious Hare" No commentin plain text. Tara kneels in front of the fearless rodent and watches him smell around. Tara reaches her hand out and pets the rabbit's body gently.

Tara (Thinking): (Relieved) This bunny feels real enough... I was starting to worry.

Tara reads the name.

Tara: (Inquisitively) "Vicious Hare"? Is this a projection? How do you project a floating name?

Tara reaches her hand out and touches the text. It then reveals a dropdown menu listing out more attributes of the rabbit.

Tara: What the...?(Reading) "Level 4, Beast, Aggressive" It's like something out of a video game. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH this is reading like zombie media where they don't know what zombies are. (Petting the rabbit) I think Fluffy Hare would be a much better name. Send a petition to oxford dictionary then.

The rabbit's eyes immediately start to glow bright red and it hisses at her flashing You can flash your underwear but not your teeth its sharp teeth. Tara shrieks. The rabbit leaps at her, and she swats it away with her hand. The animal falls to the ground. It's hollow body is then blown away, nothing more than a glowing light-blue dust, and fades away. After the animal's name disappears the plain text "1 Exp" appears in its place and then fades away.

Tara (In shock) It-it Oh no, it-it's dead :(disappeared. It was real, I felt it. It attacked me and then...

Ominous Man Intriguing paedophile, voracious drunk, cunning linguist: I bet you're rethinking that name you gave your little friend.

Tara: (Surprised) I-I Again didn't mean to hurt it, I just... (Describing it to herself) It was like its eyes started to glow red like some kind of a monster.

Behind her was a man in a pitch black cloak with his face shadowed hidden by hisunder his hood, and a dark aura surrounded him. The man helps her on her feet. Above his head is the name "Olsin" and just below that there is the name "Bless" in green text surrounded by brackets.

Olsin: It's good to see you're still alive, Tara. The rabbit might have killed her.

Tara: Er... Do I know you? The suspense is overflowing

Ominous Man: You don't remember me? I'll give you a hint. (Pointing) Look above my head. What is going to happen next.

Tara: (Reading) "Olsin". Why does your name appear above your head? HMMMMMMMMMM

Olsin: Don't tell me, you've forgotten all about FNO? TWIST PLOT

Tara: "FNO"? What is that? TWIST PLOT

Olsin: FNO stands for The Fall of Nations Online. You're inside an MMORPG TWIST PLOT

Tara: (Looking around) Inside a video game... How can that be? TWIST PLOT. Also not a reaction anyone would ever have to this kind of situation.

Olsin: Right now you're wearing a console on your head that intercepts the nervous system. This console is responsible for everything you're seeing. Put simply, you're playing a virtual reality game.

Tara: So I'm a player?

Olsin: Correct.

Tara: And you are also a player?

Olsin: Indubitably. In the modern parlance I beseech you.Given that the console is connected to your mind, your loss of memory might be the result of a glitch in the system it wouldn't be the first glitch we've seen. Run on.

Tara: A glitch...? No one born after 1970 won't know what a glitch is

Olsin: Indeed. (Walking away) Come follow me. Rapist alert

Tara: Where will be taking me? Nazi germany? Incorrect phrase too.

Olsin: Trust me, I'll explain on the way. Trust the man in the long overcoat. That's not the beginning of most court cases in the world.

Olsin leads Tara through the forest. Tara notices the fantasy themed enemies. No.One of the enemies approaches Olsin and without looking at it or altering his path he extends his hand towards it. Icicles then spear through the body of the monster and, in the absence of gore, it fades away.

Olsin: These are called monsters,Apparently this guy works at oxford dictionary. She could talk to him about altering the mord rabbit. mindless killing machines who'll attack anyone on sight. Most are aggressive, some only attack when provoked, some are wise enough not to target us stronger players As in... Not being mindless..

Tara: (Speaking to herself) They want to kill me. Slow clap

Olsin: Show them no mercy.

Tara watches a lone, white wolf notice them and then go away. The *censored*?

Olsin:(Addressing her silence) Something wrong, Tara?

Tara: This is all just so new to me. So we were... were we friends?

Olsin stops. Everything? So he stops his heart, his brain... He just dies.

Olsin: (Smiling) Why don't you check your Friends List? Just think about the Menu and it will appear. Don't worry if you don't get it on your first try.

Tara squints and a projection of a dropdown menu appears in front of her. Olsin looks amused.

Olsin (Thinking): She actually got it on her first try after her losing her memory. I mustn't forget, this is Tara after all.

Tara: It says my class is the Awakener and I'm level 75. Is that good?

Olsin: Level 100 is the highest a player can achieve. You do the math. 2+2=5

Tara: You are on my Friends List. Olsin, level 91, Class: Time Controller... You're... the only one.

Olsin: You and I were researching a glitch in the system and we believed someone was tampering with the system.

Tara: (Curious) Another glitch?

Olsin: (Walking Away) Yes, the glitch we noticed recently is that the Log Out function has been disabled. As of now there is no way to exit the game. If I recall, you'd nearly found the culprit. Your sudden loss of memory might not be the result of a random glitch. Another reason why it's imperative that we get your memory back.

Tara: (Following him) I see.

Olsin: But first things first, we need to get you re-orientated. I'll have to teach you how to play FNO again, and I know just the place. I'm taking you to my guild, Bless. I just hope they'll understand.

Tara: Why wouldn't they understand?

Olsin: (Grinning) You were actually quite infamous really, but that's a story for another time because we're home. Too fast transition.

They were hardly out of the woods. In front of them was a large mansion building and a grassland plain across the horizon. The building was like a gothic palace. Olsin knocks on the large double doors. An expressionless woman, dressed in a classic maid outfit, opens the door. Above her head is the name "Danielle" and below that there is again the name "Bless" in green text.

Danielle: Welcome home, Olsin. (Staring at Tara) Are you aware you're being followed.?

Olsin: Danielle, you remember Tara right. Her name is "Tara right"?

Daniella: (Emotionlessly) Of course. How could I forget the one who swindled me into eternal servitude for a debt that I can never repay.

Tara: (Defensively) Eternal servitude, that can't be right. I thought we were all just playing a game here.

Danielle: Olsin, I am certain this woman is not Tara.

Danielle unsheathes the rapier at her side. Maid outfits don't have belts.

Danielle: Shall I execute the imposter?

Olsin: (laughing) That won't be necessary. Trouble with the console has given her a bit of memory loss. She might not sound like herself right now, but it is her I assure you.

Danielle:(Putting her saber Is it a sabre or rapier? away) Very well. (Moving aside) Please come in.

They enter the mansion. Inside it was much more luxurious than it appeared from outside. The walls were filled with trophies from strange creatures, heads, teeth, limbs, weapons and other miscellaneous belongings all proudly displayed.

Danielle: (Leading them) Yes, we certainly are playing a game right now, but I have responsibilities that I must honor.

Danielle brings them to a grand staircase that seems to unite all parts of the house. Against the walls there were sofas against the wall to rest on.

Olsin: Please have a seat, Tara. Danielle.

Danielle: Yes sir?

Olsin: Please watch her in case the other members make a fuss, and do explain the situation to them, if you wouldn't mind. I need to go speak to Osval. I'll be right back.

Danielle: Yes sir.

After Olsin leaves, Tara curiously taps her finger against Danielle's name above her head. It then extends a menu showing more attributes about her: "Level: 80, Guild: Bless, Class: Oath Keeper". Danielle ignores Tara's fingers as they clearly intrude upon her personal space.

Tara: Your class is called the Oath Keeper, is that why you have to remain in servitude?

Danielle: (Coldly) No.

Tara pokes Danielle's cheek with her finger.

Danielle: What are you doing?

Tara: Sorry. (Giggling) Not terribly funny.I was trying to see if I could find out more about your class. You know, since the menu is like a touch screen.

Danielle: You could have just asked. The Oath Keeper is the upgrade to the Knight Class. Knight is the class I chose when I began playing. The Knight is a defense class known as the Second Defense, simply because warrior is the first. Unlike warriors, knights are designed to defend by blocking and evading, so ideally we never actually take damage. And they wield shields and sabers, like warriors, but, unlike warriors, the elegant rapier is our choice saber sabre. Which it isn't, in any case...

Danielle unsheathes her rapier to display it.

Tara: (Smiling) Neat.

Danielle puts her swordYou get four points if you call it a gun next. away and turns to her.

Danielle: Could you... ask me another question, please?

Tara stares at her for a moment.

Tara (Thinking): I was going to, but now it's kind of awkward. This girl is so weird.

Danielle: (blushing) I-I mean there must be something else you want to know. You lost your memory right? So you don't know how the game works...

Tara: (Uncomfortably) I uh-.

A menu window abruptly  appears in front of Tara which reads "You have been invited to join Bless." with the options to "accept" or "decline" at the bottom. Olsin descendswalks down the stairs and returns to them.

Olsin: Good news, Tara. The guild master agreed to let you join the guild. Just click the accept button and it will be finished.

Tara: (Suspiciously) If we were working together, why wasn't I in your guild already?

Olsin: You liked to play the game without a guild, actually. Before you lost your memory, I mean.

Tara hesitantly taps the accept button and the name "Bless" appears just below hers.

Olsin: Thank you for watching her, Danielle, but I need to ask one more favor of you.

Danielle: Yes sir.

Olsin: I need you to teach Tara how to play the game again. She needs to master swordplay in order to use her class. I assumed it'd be easy for you.

Danielle's eyes light up, though she still didn't crack a smile, she was definitely happy to be given this task.

Danielle: Yes sir! I'm honored. (Offering her hand out to Tara) Mistress Tara please come with me.

Tara accepts her hand and Danielle helps her stand on her feet.

Tara: O-Okay.

Danielle leads her away.

Tara (Thinking): What's with this girl?

Olsin: (Waving): Have fun girls.

Olsin leaves in the opposite direction. Olsin enters a large library within the mansion. A book forms in Olsin's hand from that same shining blue dust. He then searches the shelves for a place to put the book away.

Olsin (Thinking): This is an excellent chance to collect data on the system's power over the mind.

Outside the building the same white wolf from before watches Olsin through a window from a safe distance. The wolf begins to speak quietly.

Wolf: I'm beginning to think leaving Tara on her own was a bad idea.

Setting: A more lively meeting room. Alone in the room, a woman, with glasses whose glare hides her eyes, holds her hand over her ear as though she were speaking into a phone. Above her head is the name "Tiffany" and the guild name "403 Forbidden".

Tiffany: Of course it was, you reckless fool! (Concerned)... Lucius, I told you to watch her. What happened to her?

Lucius: (lying) Well nothing too extraordinary. Olsin has befriended her and she's joined his guild.

Tiffany: (Shocked) Tara... a member of Bless. How could you let this happen!

Setting: Outside of the mansion, the wolf continues to speak. The wolf's surroundings turn black and white and the world becomes motionless. A leaf stops midair as it was falling and sits there.

Lucius (Thinking): (Looking around) Wait a second... Did time just stop?

Olsin was ominously standing behind the wolf. In his hand there was a volatile and bright energy forming.

Olsin: That was clever: using that form to hide your username so I wouldn't notice you, Lucius of 403 Forbidden.

Lucius: (Turning to him): Olsin. You certainly do love sneaking up from behind.

Olsin: (Amused) I should kill you right here, but I want you to relay a message for me. Tell every guild member in 403 Forbidden that Olsin just got a new toy to play with, and he doesn't like to share.

Not good for the moment. Adverbs should be avoided, if you can't describe someone without using an adverb you're doing it wrong. No one speaks like Olsin, Tara reads like deadpan half the time and is annoyingly stupid. It was badly punctuated, often resulting in (hilarious though) run-ons, and generally just feeding useless info to the reader with a big spoon.

I suppose that is one way to look at it. Hilarious. But um... "In British English, some words from French, Latin or Greek end with a consonant followed by an unstressed -re... In American English, most of these words have the ending -er." So, until I cross the Atlantic, it is "Saber", although I can accept that a rapier is not technically a saber, however I'm fairly certain it is not wrong to call it a sword. 

Honestly I would rather a story make itself known to you than be vague, but I think you should bear in mind the descriptive language technically has absolutely nothing to do with the reader unless it is coming out of the mouth of a character. Because in a graphic novel, descriptions become images. Descriptive words remind me of things to illustrate; for instance: that not just that the forest depicted is full of life, but it is extra green.
« Last Edit: August 11, 2015, 01:30:07 AM by Lord Kesashi »

Offline Lumaria

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Re: FNO
« Reply #186 on: August 11, 2015, 02:51:59 AM »

Chapter 1

Spoiler
Setting: A green and healthy forest in bright daylight. A woman lies on the ground. Above her head is the name "Tara" in plain text. The woman wakes up.

Tara (Thinking): (Looking around) Where am I?

Tara stands up.

Tara (Thinking): A forest?
(You probably wont have to point out a forest unless there was something specific you want Tara to notice about the forest that we can't see ourselves)

Tara scans the forest for a moment.

Tara (Thinking): Why would I be here? (Placing her hand on her head) I can't remember anything.
(Here is where she tries to search for more information within her memories to determine. This is also where we determine what she can/can't remember)


Tara walks around and feels the trees as she walks by them.

Tara (Thinking): These trees feel so odd. They don't feel real at all. This is so strange.
(what feels real, what about everything else she isn't feeling? Perhaps we dont need this to get the message across that she's in a game)

The bushes behind Tara shake.

Tara: (Turning around) Who's there?
(A less presumptions question is "Is someone there?")

Out from the bushes crawls a rabbit. Above the rabbit's head is the name "Vicious Hare" in plain text. Tara kneels in front of the fearless rodent and watches him smell around. Tara reaches her hand out and pets the rabbit's body gently.

Tara (Thinking): (Relieved) This bunny feels real enough... I was starting to worry.
(When you write, do you imagine these scenes? Theres still plenty to react to. But Tara reaches out to the
Tara reads the name.

Tara: (Inquisitively) "Vicious Hare"? Is this a projection?
(She's way too quick to assess the situation. If she was that quick, she would've determined she was inside a game. Otherwise, slow it down)

Tara reaches her hand out and touches the text. It then reveals a dropdown menu listing out more attributes of the rabbit.

Tara: What the...(Reading) "Level 4, Beast, Aggressive" It's like something out of a video game. (Petting the rabbit) I think Fluffy Hare would be a much better name.

(I dont think its too necessary introducing a drop down menu just by touching the name. But this only allows more rushed writing rather than taking it slow)

The rabbit's eyes immediately start to glow bright red and it hisses at her flashing its sharp teeth. Tara shrieks. The rabbit leaps at her, and she swats it away with her hand. The animal falls to the ground. It's hollow body is then blown away, nothing more than a glowing light-blue dust, and fades way. After the animal's name disappears the plain text "1 Exp" appears in its place and then fades away.

Tara (In shock) It-it disappeared. It was real, I felt it. It attacked me and then...

Ominous Man: I bet you're rethinking that name you gave your little friend.

Tara: (Surprised) I-I didn't mean to hurt it, I just... (Describing it to herself) It was like its eyes started to glow red like some kind of a monster.

Behind her was a man in a pitch black cloak with his face shadowed under his hood, and a dark aura surrounded him. The man helps her on her feet. Above his head is the name "Olsin" and just below that there is the name "Bless" in green text surrounded by brackets.
(This is where it is too obvious it hurts. Why does he need a dark aura?"

Olsin: It's good to see you're still alive, Tara.

Tara: Er... Do I know you?
(awkward sound effects)

Ominous Man: You don't remember me? I'll give you a hint. (Pointing) Look above my head.
(IN my previous rendition, although slightly rushed, was suggesting that Tara didn't exactly remember due to barely waking up. My rendition is still just as rushed as yours, but for yours, you should look into working on your plot

Tara: (Reading)  "Olsin". Why does your name appear above your head?

Olsin: Don't tell me, you've forgotten all about FNO?
(The question is too light-hearted. The severity is that she has memory loss. Addressing that she's forgotte about FNO, is a little too casual. Forgetting she is even inside a game is more severe than FNO specifically. in my old rendition, Olsin addressed with proper responce)

Tara: "FNO"? What is that?

Olsin: FNO stands for The Fall of Nations Online. You're inside an MMORPG

Tara: (Looking around) Inside a video game... How can that be?

Olsin: Right now you're wearing a console on your head that intercepts the nervous system. This console is responsible for everything you're seeing. Put simply, you're playing a virtual reality game.

Tara: So I'm a player?

Olsin: Correct.

Tara: And you are also a player?

Olsin: Indubitably. Given that the console is connected to your mind, your loss of memory might be the result of a glitch in the system it wouldn't be the first glitch we've seen.

Tara: A glitch...?

Olsin: Indeed. (Walking away) Come follow me.

Tara: Where will be taking me?

Olsin: Trust me, I'll explain on the way.

Olsin leads Tara through the forest. Tara notices the fantasy themed enemies. One of the enemies approaches Olsin and without looking at it or altering his path he extends his hand towards it. Icicles then spear through the body of the monster and, in the absence of gore, it fades away.

Olsin: These are called monsters, mindless killing machines who'll attack anyone on sight. Most are aggressive, some only attack when provoked, some are wise enough not to target us stronger players. 
(Olsin seems to explain as if Tara doesn't know what a video game is. Perhaps you should address with.)

Tara: (Speaking to herself) They want to kill me.

Olsin: Show them no mercy.

Tara watches a lone, white wolf notice them and then go away.

Olsin:(Addressing her silence) Something wrong, Tara?

Tara: This is all just so new to me. So we were... were we friends?

Olsin stops.

Olsin: (Smiling) Why don't you check your Friends List? Just think about the Menu and it will appear. Don't worry if you don't get it on your first try.
(Again, too Obvious, it hurts)

Tara squints and a projection of a dropdown menu appears in front of her. Olsin looks amused.

Olsin (Thinking): She actually got it on her first try after her losing her memory. I mustn't forget, this is Tara after all.

Tara: It says my class is the Awakener and I'm level 75. Is that good?

Olsin: Level 100 is the highest a player can achieve. You do the math.

Tara: You are on my Friends List. Olsin, level 91, Class: Time Controller... You're... the only one.

Olsin: You and I were was researching a glitch in the system. and we believed someone was tampering with the system.

Tara: (Curious) Another glitch?

Olsin: (Walking Away) Yes, the glitch we noticed recently is that the Log Out function has been disabled. As of now there is no way to exit the game. If I recall, you'd nearly found the culprit. Your sudden loss of memory might not be the result of a random glitch. Another reason why it's imperative that we get your memory back.

Tara: (Following him) I see.

Olsin: But first things first, we need to get you re-oriented. I'll have to teach you how to play FNO again, and I know just the place. I'm taking you to my guild, Bless. I just hope they'll understand.

Tara: Why wouldn't they understand?

Olsin: (Grinning) You were actually quite infamous really, but that's a story for another time because we're home.

They were hardly out of the woods. In front of them was a large mansion building and a grassland plain across the horizon. The building was like a gothic palace. Olsin knocks on the large double doors. An expressionless woman, dressed in a classic maid outfit, opens the door. Above her head is the name "Danielle" and below that there is again the name "Bless" in green text.

Danielle: Welcome home, Olsin. (Staring at Tara) Are you aware you're being followed.

Olsin: Danielle, you remember Tara right.

Daniella: (Emotionlessly) Of course. How could I forget the one who swindled me into eternal servitude for a debt that I can never repay.

Tara: (Defensively) Eternal servitude, that can't be right. I thought we were all just playing a game here.

Danielle: Olsin, I am certain this woman is not Tara.

Danielle unsheathes the rapier at her side.

Danielle: Shall I execute the imposter?

Olsin: (laughing) That won't be necessary. Trouble with the console has given her a bit of memory loss. She might not sound like herself right now, but it is her I assure you.

Danielle:(Putting her saber away) Very well. (Moving aside) Please come in.

They enter the mansion. Inside it was much more luxurious than it appeared from outside. The walls were filled with trophies from strange creatures, heads, teeth, limbs, weapons and other miscellaneous belongings all proudly displayed.

Danielle: (Leading them) Yes, we certainly are playing a game right now, but I have responsibilities that I must honor.

Danielle brings them to a grand staircase that seems to unite all parts of the house. Against the walls there were Sofas against the wall to rest on.

Olsin: Please have a seat, Tara. Danielle.

Danielle: Yes sir?

Olsin: Please watch her in case the other members make a fuss, and do explain the situation to them, if you wouldn't mind. I need to go speak to Osval. I'll be right back.

Danielle: Yes sir.

After Olsin leaves, Tara curiously taps her finger against Danielle's name above her head. It then extends a menu showing more attributes about her: "Level: 80, Guild: Bless, Class: Oath Keeper". Danielle ignores Tara's fingers as they clearly intrude upon her personal space.

Tara: Your class is called the Oath Keeper, is that why you have to remain in servitude?

Danielle: (Coldly) No.

Tara pokes Danielle's cheek with her finger.

Danielle: What are you doing?

Tara: Sorry. (Giggling) I was trying to see if I could find out more about your class. You know, since the menu is like a touch screen.

Danielle: You could have just asked. The Oath Keeper is the upgrade to the Knight Class. Knight is the class I chose when I began playing. The Knight is a defense class known as the Second Defense, simply because warrior is the first. Unlike warriors, knights are designed to defend by blocking and evading, so ideally we never actually take damage. And they wield shields and sabers, like warriors, but, unlike warriors, the elegant rapier is our choice saber.

Danielle unsheathes her rapier to display it.

Tara: (Smiling) Neat.

Danielle puts her sword away and turns to her.

Danielle: Could you... ask me another question, please?

Tara stares at her for a moment.

Tara (Thinking): I was going to, but now it's kind of awkward. This girl is so weird.

Danielle: (blushing) I-I mean there must be something else you want to know. You lost your memory right? So you don't know how the game works...

Tara: (Uncomfortably) I uh-.

A menu window abruptly  appears in front of Tara which reads "You have been invited to join Bless." with the options to "accept" or "decline" at the bottom. Olsin descends the stairs and returns to them.

Olsin: Good news, Tara. The guild master agreed to let you join the guild. Just click the accept button and it will be finished.

Tara: (Suspiciously) If we were working together, why wasn't I in your guild already.

Olsin: You liked to play the game without a guild, actually. Before you lost your memory I mean.

Tara hesitantly taps the accept button and the name "Bless" appears just below hers.

Olsin: Thank you for watching her, Danielle, but I need to ask one more favor of you.

Danielle: Yes sir.

Olsin: I need you to teach Tara how to play the game again. She needs to master swordplay in order to use her class. I assumed it'd be easy for you.

Danielle's eyes light up, though she still didn't crack a smile, she was definitely happy to be given this task.

Danielle: Yes sir! I'm honored. (Offering her hand out to Tara) Mistress Tara please come with me.

Tara accepts her hand and Danielle helps her stand on her feet.

Tara: O-Okay.

Danielle leads her away.

Tara (Thinking): What's with this girl?

Olsin: (Waving): Have fun girls.

Olsin leaves in the opposite direction. Olsin enters a large library within the mansion. A book forms in Olsin's hand from that same shining blue dust. He then searches the shelves for a place to put the book away.

Olsin (Thinking): This is an excellent chance to collect data on the system's power over the mind.

Outside the building the same white wolf from before watches Olsin through a window from a safe distance. The wolf begins to speak quietly.

Wolf: I'm beginning to think leaving Tara on her own was a bad idea.

Setting: A more lively meeting room. Alone in the room, a woman, with glasses whose glare hides her eyes, holds her hand over her ear as though she were speaking into a phone. Above her head is the name "Tiffany" and the guild name "403 Forbidden".

Tiffany: Of course it was, you reckless fool! (Concerned)... Lucius, I told you to watch her. What happened to her?

Lucius: (lying) Well nothing too extraordinary. Olsin has befriended her and she's joined his guild.

Tiffany: (Shocked) Tara... a member of Bless. How could you let this happen!

Setting: Outside of the mansion, the wolf continues to speak. The wolf's surroundings turn black and white and the world becomes motionless. A leaf stops midair as it was falling and sits there.

Lucius (Thinking): (Looking around) Wait a second... Did time just stop?

Olsin was ominously standing behind the wolf. In his hand there was a volatile and bright energy forming.

Olsin: That was clever: using that form to hide your username so I wouldn't notice you, Lucius of 403 Forbidden.

Lucius: (Turning to him): Olsin. You certainly do love sneaking up from behind.

Olsin: (Amused) I should kill you right here, but I want you to relay a message for me. Tell every guild member in 403 Forbidden that Olsin just got a new toy to play with, and he doesn't like to share.
[/quote]
Stop playing victim....you know what you did.

Offline L.K. [Taikichi]

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Re: FNO
« Reply #187 on: October 07, 2015, 09:15:03 PM »
I suppose all this time merits an update. My new direction for FNO would be drama. FNO, just might need another name change because the sandbox elements are gone. FNO's major pride is its virtual reality innovation, like SAO; except, Keegan Chess isn't as great of an engineer as his SAO counterpart that he can develop an MMORPG's software and hardware with no possible flaws. That isn't to say FNO will be a glitchy game, but there's an important variable, among many, that Keegan didn't account for.

FNO's hardware consists of only a bulky helmet that sends a special electric current through the brain of the players to manipulate synapses in the player's brain. This mechanic paralyzes the player and is responsible for the player's ability to emerge into the world with all five senses. Under ideal conditions, the system runs fine and would be perfect for people to have in their homes: perfect, that is, except for the fact that it's far too expensive for most people to buy for themselves. Thus, Keegan uses a specialized facility, which he placed over a hundred consoles therein for fans who'd pay to play the game while they were there.

Of course a system like this must have a significant power draw. A power surge is to be expected. The console obviously was built for such an occasion; except, one console was illegally modified. The modifications magnified the surge just slightly beyond the system's limits. The surge only lasted for an instant, and all players seemed to have entered the game successfully.  The player using the modified system was possibly electrocuted. But moving on: the system's use of a raw electric current, as fantastical as that sounds, is dangerous to disconnect from the brain without a safe ejection. Think of it like removing a USB Drive from a computer while downloading files from it. The safe-eject hardware was suspected to be fried in the surge in virtually every machine. Conveniently, there is another way to perform a safe ejection when the hardware is faulty through the server.

The only problem is this function has suddenly been made completely inaccessible to the administrators. The only way to restore it would require the server to go down for direct maintenance, but this would also cause players to abruptly leave the game.

There is more to be said, of course, about the new game mechanics or characters, but I believe their entrapment is most important. The themes and personalities of the characters have been maintained, e.g. Keegan Chess is the game master whose true position in the entrapment remains ambiguous, just like before.