April 14, 2024, 01:16:02 AM

------------------------------------------

PLZ READ THIS ALL ACTIVE MEMBERS


------------------------------------------
CLICK Here.

------------------------------------------




Author Topic: FNO  (Read 48329 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Icanttakecritiscism

  • Get out of the way peasant
  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 120
  • Gender: Male
  • Ew you faggot
    • View Profile
Re: FNO
« Reply #165 on: August 05, 2015, 08:26:07 PM »
It's a placeholder, as I said on my topic. "Psychological steampunk manga" would not have had the same flair. Besides, it states very clearly to any forum-goer what it's about.

In re to your prologue, you should listen to people speak. The characters have little to no punctuation in their dialogue, and Tara sounds like a town crier or an excited market vendor in the first line.

That aside, she's not fully fleshed out and has a tacked on personality.

Offline Lumaria

  • Editor Group
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4093
  • Gender: Female
  • Someone who will tell you what you need to hear
    • View Profile
Re: FNO
« Reply #166 on: August 05, 2015, 10:03:26 PM »
It's a placeholder, as I said on my topic. "Psychological steampunk manga" would not have had the same flair. Besides, it states very clearly to any forum-goer what it's about.

NO but you can use certain combination of phrases or just one phrase that explains. for example Bleach. Or you can make up your own that will be used in the context of the story (you are calling them demons, which is a overly broad term, focus on a certain aspect and give them a unique name and you can use it as part of the series)
Quote
In re to your prologue, you should listen to people speak. The characters have little to no punctuation in their dialogue, and Tara sounds like a town crier or an excited market vendor in the first line.

That aside, she's not fully fleshed out and has a tacked on personality.


At the moment, yes, the original prologue does sound pretty bad. hopefully when he made the revised chapter 1, its not intended to be part of it.
Stop playing victim....you know what you did.

Offline L.K. [Taikichi]

  • The Cel Shader
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 544
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: FNO
« Reply #167 on: August 05, 2015, 10:48:26 PM »
No, the prologues are not intended to be a part of it. If they were I would've linked them. Whenever I have something I'm proud of I will link it in the first post. There may or may not be a new prologue written in the future.

This is just a blatant copy of SAO right now.

Now this just insults me, not because you're calling me unoriginal, but because I hate SAO, and there is nothing I want less than for FNO to be like SAO. There are obviously a plethora of Anime and Manga out there that actually mimick SAO in character design and plot, and vice versa. I'm absolutely certain the only reason you've come to that conclusion here is because of the MMORPG aspect, no, simply because the term "MMORPG" is being used to describe the environment.

If you had said it were a copy of .hack, Log Horizon, K, or even that anime called "Amnesia" it would have been a different story.

Just to add: The name FNO is not meant to resemble SAO. It is meant to resemble "FNO", a Taiwanese MMORPG called Finding Neverland Online or as we westerners know it, Eden Eternal. The MMORPG in the story is based on the same game mechanics of Finding Neverland Online.

Offline DeAngelus

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 363
    • View Profile
Re: FNO
« Reply #168 on: August 05, 2015, 10:50:08 PM »
Well complete amnesia also allows us to meet characters...like i said, its still a little rushed. Try taking it slow. You have to truly imagine what amnesia is like.

I dont really care if you name a character off your username (especially in a story about MMO), i just highly advise you not to grow attached to the character simply by name. In fact try to justify the character outside of it.

I would recommend now just focusing on the main aspect. Too many things going on in the plot. We dont need all that. If it were me, i would focus on just the characters Tara is meeting.
This is what I was going to highlight when I've read only a few lines ahead . MisterSherbetLemon had already warned you about using amnesia as one of the main tools that drives the story without fully understanding how it affects an individual in the first place .

Now after reading the whole thread or most of it , my eyes can't cope reading a wall of text for too long , I can say that Lumaria had it all covered up & that Lumaria has been following up with your progress on this , so I'd leave it to Lumaria to give her pointers for you , until time comes . Till then , I'll touch on the components used in your story that drives it .

Now back to the amnesia part , if you have done your research on it (on which you'd probably have) , you should know that it ain't picky when it comes to memory loss , where it will leave parts of memory unscathed while others vanished . If lets say that you've had a memory archive from 'A' (First memory) up to 'G' , with 'B' to 'F' memories in between but somehow got into a car accident (this will be labelled as memory 'H' , causing a severe brain trauma , enough to cause amnesia . When you woke up , you'll question why you're in bed in a hospital & they mentioned that you've got into an accident (Memory 'H') but you can't recall it . They will then question your last known memory & you can only recall stuffs & events happened in memory 'A' but no matter how hard you try , you can't remember the following stuffs & events happened (Memory 'B') . This means that you'll have no memory of what happens from 'B' onwards to when you woke up in a hospital . This also applies to your in-story Tara .

Quote
Tara (Thinking): (Looking around) How did I end up here. Did I lose a fight or something?

Tara walks around cautiously. She places her hand on a fallen tree's trunk.

Tara (Thinking): But I feel just fine, except this place (caressing the bark) doesn't feel real at all. (Picking up blades of grass) The grass and the wood feel exactly the same. Smooth and solid. It's almost like it's just painted on some metal chunks. (Looking up). There's some people over there.
For one , she doesn't know of the world that is FNO , thus she doesn't know the nature & objective of it at the same time , that is typical to that of most MMOs out there . So , how is it that she knows that she lost a fight or something when one , she doesn't know in the first place that she's active in an MMO , playing it & two , there are no physical evidences around and/or with her when she woke up for her to associate with a closest fact that she fainted after a fight ?

One of a common effects of a victim under the state of amnesia who were once not in the first place will suffer from severe confusion & disorientation that always leads fear , a fear of not knowing themselves in the first place , unable to recall anything , the how, who , what , where , when - EVERYTHING , which isn't shown in Tara . The other effect is the alteration in ones personalities & traits due to the loss of memory in general , past memories that also had stuffs & events that had a role in determining/carving ones personalities & traits , either reverting back to who they were from the last memory they can recall or starting off with a near-blank state (Doll-like personality) . Also , victims of it will question more than giving answers & the questions they would ask will have to do with trying to get themselves grounded back to reality & senses . If the traits & personalities your Tara is now the same Tara pre-amnesia but is different before she joined FNO , then you have inconsistencies there (Note : I will start off most of it with 'If I were in the situation Tara currently is & suffering from') :

Quote
Tara: Hey boys, can you help me out?

The guys tremble in fear for a moment and back away slowly.

Boy 1: (In shocking disbelief) Lady Tara...

Tara: Do you guys know how far I am from Tarrant county?
I would be curious as to how a complete stranger knew her , along with questioning the surrounding rather than trying to as for a way home (She should know full well she ain't on 'Earth' after feeling her surroundings in the previous quote highlighted in yellow)
Quote
Tara: (Unshaken) I don't know what the heck you guys are talking about. But if it's a fight you want (Taking on a defensive boxing stance) then bring it!

The swordsman attempts to slash her upper body which she dodges with a step back, and with a step forward she counters with a jab to his head.

Tara (Thinking): It's like my body is moving on its own. Whatever dank stuff I must be on right now, I'm starting to like it.
I would just run my life away out of sheer fear just from the effects of amnesia , confused & disoriented as I question the reason they're wielding weapons that is illegal to be used in public & charging towards you . I will be surprised but will not question my ability to run at blistering speed , as long it saves me from getting skewered by them . One more thing , I'd probably would not know how execute an in-game combat in the first place & wouldn't initiate one against someone wielding nasty-looking weapons , even in real life , out of common sense .

Your use of amnesia is so loose , I can't tell if she's exerting traits & personality from her old self (not the ones we see in the scrapped prologue of yours) or you just add that just because & remained so until the introduction of FNO by Reina . But even so , there're still inconsistencies in personality popping out here & there but I believe it has to do with your story's pacing issue . Anyways , I'd suggest that you'd dig in deeper on this to properly establish the kind of amnesia you're trying to showcase here . But just from that one article alone , I can roughly tell the types of amnesia there is , but somehow typical of me not being able to find the right terminology for something , I can't seem to write it out without screwing the explanation up altogether ...

As a reader , I still feel like I'm being thrown around from one extreme scene to another & it doesn't help much that , though it's better , the story still feels rushed , especially part three onwards . You still got lots to fix though & the first thing you've got to do is keeping the flow of the story as consistent & well paced as possible . I might get into the MMO aspect of it , but lets first fix the story flow itself before getting to it , shall we ?
« Last Edit: August 05, 2015, 11:05:30 PM by DeAngelus »
PM me if you wanted a critique. It takes time for one to come to you, so please be patient.

If you wanted it to be public or private, do tell me.

Offline L.K. [Taikichi]

  • The Cel Shader
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 544
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: FNO
« Reply #169 on: August 06, 2015, 01:18:45 AM »
Well complete amnesia also allows us to meet characters...like i said, its still a little rushed. Try taking it slow. You have to truly imagine what amnesia is like.

I dont really care if you name a character off your username (especially in a story about MMO), i just highly advise you not to grow attached to the character simply by name. In fact try to justify the character outside of it.

I would recommend now just focusing on the main aspect. Too many things going on in the plot. We dont need all that. If it were me, i would focus on just the characters Tara is meeting.
This is what I was going to highlight when I've read only a few lines ahead . MisterSherbetLemon had already warned you about using amnesia as one of the main tools that drives the story without fully understanding how it affects an individual in the first place .

Now after reading the whole thread or most of it , my eyes can't cope reading a wall of text for too long , I can say that Lumaria had it all covered up & that Lumaria has been following up with your progress on this , so I'd leave it to Lumaria to give her pointers for you , until time comes . Till then , I'll touch on the components used in your story that drives it .

Now back to the amnesia part , if you have done your research on it (on which you'd probably have) , you should know that it ain't picky when it comes to memory loss , where it will leave parts of memory unscathed while others vanished . If lets say that you've had a memory archive from 'A' (First memory) up to 'G' , with 'B' to 'F' memories in between but somehow got into a car accident (this will be labelled as memory 'H' , causing a severe brain trauma , enough to cause amnesia . When you woke up , you'll question why you're in bed in a hospital & they mentioned that you've got into an accident (Memory 'H') but you can't recall it . They will then question your last known memory & you can only recall stuffs & events happened in memory 'A' but no matter how hard you try , you can't remember the following stuffs & events happened (Memory 'B') . This means that you'll have no memory of what happens from 'B' onwards to when you woke up in a hospital . This also applies to your in-story Tara .

Quote
Tara (Thinking): (Looking around) How did I end up here. Did I lose a fight or something?

Tara walks around cautiously. She places her hand on a fallen tree's trunk.

Tara (Thinking): But I feel just fine, except this place (caressing the bark) doesn't feel real at all. (Picking up blades of grass) The grass and the wood feel exactly the same. Smooth and solid. It's almost like it's just painted on some metal chunks. (Looking up). There's some people over there.
For one , she doesn't know of the world that is FNO , thus she doesn't know the nature & objective of it at the same time , that is typical to that of most MMOs out there . So , how is it that she knows that she lost a fight or something when one , she doesn't know in the first place that she's active in an MMO , playing it & two , there are no physical evidences around and/or with her when she woke up for her to associate with a closest fact that she fainted after a fight ?

One of a common effects of a victim under the state of amnesia who were once not in the first place will suffer from severe confusion & disorientation that always leads fear , a fear of not knowing themselves in the first place , unable to recall anything , the how, who , what , where , when - EVERYTHING , which isn't shown in Tara . The other effect is the alteration in ones personalities & traits due to the loss of memory in general , past memories that also had stuffs & events that had a role in determining/carving ones personalities & traits , either reverting back to who they were from the last memory they can recall or starting off with a near-blank state (Doll-like personality) . Also , victims of it will question more than giving answers & the questions they would ask will have to do with trying to get themselves grounded back to reality & senses . If the traits & personalities your Tara is now the same Tara pre-amnesia but is different before she joined FNO , then you have inconsistencies there (Note : I will start off most of it with 'If I were in the situation Tara currently is & suffering from') :

Quote
Tara: Hey boys, can you help me out?

The guys tremble in fear for a moment and back away slowly.

Boy 1: (In shocking disbelief) Lady Tara...

Tara: Do you guys know how far I am from Tarrant county?
I would be curious as to how a complete stranger knew her , along with questioning the surrounding rather than trying to as for a way home (She should know full well she ain't on 'Earth' after feeling her surroundings in the previous quote highlighted in yellow)
Quote
Tara: (Unshaken) I don't know what the heck you guys are talking about. But if it's a fight you want (Taking on a defensive boxing stance) then bring it!

The swordsman attempts to slash her upper body which she dodges with a step back, and with a step forward she counters with a jab to his head.

Tara (Thinking): It's like my body is moving on its own. Whatever dank stuff I must be on right now, I'm starting to like it.
I would just run my life away out of sheer fear just from the effects of amnesia , confused & disoriented as I question the reason they're wielding weapons that is illegal to be used in public & charging towards you . I will be surprised but will not question my ability to run at blistering speed , as long it saves me from getting skewered by them . One more thing , I'd probably would not know how execute an in-game combat in the first place & wouldn't initiate one against someone wielding nasty-looking weapons , even in real life , out of common sense .

Your use of amnesia is so loose , I can't tell if she's exerting traits & personality from her old self (not the ones we see in the scrapped prologue of yours) or you just add that just because & remained so until the introduction of FNO by Reina . But even so , there're still inconsistencies in personality popping out here & there but I believe it has to do with your story's pacing issue . Anyways , I'd suggest that you'd dig in deeper on this to properly establish the kind of amnesia you're trying to showcase here . But just from that one article alone , I can roughly tell the types of amnesia there is , but somehow typical of me not being able to find the right terminology for something , I can't seem to write it out without screwing the explanation up altogether ...

As a reader , I still feel like I'm being thrown around from one extreme scene to another & it doesn't help much that , though it's better , the story still feels rushed , especially part three onwards . You still got lots to fix though & the first thing you've got to do is keeping the flow of the story as consistent & well paced as possible . I might get into the MMO aspect of it , but lets first fix the story flow itself before getting to it , shall we ?

Her willingness to fight is a part of the personality I fabricated for post-amnesia Tara. Being knocked out is common of fights in reality, which is why it was her conclusion when waking up, not because of being an MMORPG player. In my head when she examined the surroundings I would've assumed I affected by a drug, as she did, or assume I'm at some play or movie set. I don't think being on a different planet or reality would be my first conclusion.

This Tara is meant to be violent and brazen. She's assertive and willing to jump into action as quick as possible and remains unshaken even when she's the center of attention. The old Tara was manipulative and resourceful. When she says "It's like my body is moving on it's own" it should be saying that she doesn't actually know how the game works.

Your comment on her questioning how a complete stranger knew her is good, but she wasn't actually listening to them, on top of that she doesn't actually know her name is Tara yet. Not until she meets Reina. But I can understand that concern.

I can imagine that running away is reasonable conclusion but I wanted to exaggerate her bravery and her willingness to fight, because I was asked to show how she is brave.

But I do think you are right and I should research more into the psychology of amnesia, however this Amnesia is man-made so I'm not sure what rules could apply to it. I do agree Tara is not showing a proper amount of anxiety towards all the questions she has but it's difficult because she's in a state which a normal person should be afraid and aimless, but her personality is of a fearless person who only needs the slightest bit of direction to take a big step.
« Last Edit: August 06, 2015, 01:22:08 AM by Lord Kesashi »

Offline Lumaria

  • Editor Group
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4093
  • Gender: Female
  • Someone who will tell you what you need to hear
    • View Profile
Re: FNO
« Reply #170 on: August 06, 2015, 01:21:42 AM »
The personality that you want Tara to have, and what people normal act and react, is completely polar opposites. So its a bigger problem. Now, there's nothing wrong with having a distinct personalities, but amnesia comes with a sense of wanting to find out, and really adjusting toward new information.

Stop playing victim....you know what you did.

Offline L.K. [Taikichi]

  • The Cel Shader
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 544
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: FNO
« Reply #171 on: August 06, 2015, 01:33:27 AM »
I'm going to reexamine the pacing in the chapter. I notice things do slow down at Part II and speed up at Parts III and IV.

I see the best way to approach the plot is to have a guide like Olsin or Reina first. She can't really find too many answers on her own.

Offline Lumaria

  • Editor Group
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4093
  • Gender: Female
  • Someone who will tell you what you need to hear
    • View Profile
Re: FNO
« Reply #172 on: August 06, 2015, 10:18:08 PM »
The whole division of "parts" is unnecessary. Focus more on creating a chapter that builds more than introduces. I think theres too much to focus on just one chapter.
Stop playing victim....you know what you did.

Offline L.K. [Taikichi]

  • The Cel Shader
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 544
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: FNO
« Reply #173 on: August 07, 2015, 01:39:58 PM »
I just use the "Parts" and "Scenes" for mapping out the document, it can get pretty long.

Offline Icanttakecritiscism

  • Get out of the way peasant
  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 120
  • Gender: Male
  • Ew you faggot
    • View Profile
Re: FNO
« Reply #174 on: August 07, 2015, 01:45:15 PM »
That's a bad sign when you've not even got a fully fleshed out prologue/first chapter. You need to focus on what you want to introduce in chapter one, and introduce that.

Offline L.K. [Taikichi]

  • The Cel Shader
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 544
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: FNO
« Reply #175 on: August 07, 2015, 04:05:38 PM »
I'm a pretty stubborn person, so I really don't care how long it takes to finish chapter one, I'll keep writing until it satisfies me. To me that's the most enjoyable part of writing a story is writing its beginning. In these months I haven't been doing nothing for the story, I just choose to reveal little because as Lumaria said it hurts my story when I reveal things like character names early. I can't imagine what horror would've come of FNO if I'd stayed with that original first chapter. I wouldn't have imagined FNO like this then, I can't imagine what it will become now, but I can imagine I'll love it.

The FNO story is about as vast in content as the game. I understand everything that can or will happen from beginning to end. At this point I'm pretty much done with creative writing which is why I've been experimenting with characters like Lucius, Olsin and Keegan. I've even been leaning against having the reversal, and the nation-building mechanics as a part of the game.
« Last Edit: August 07, 2015, 05:59:09 PM by Lord Kesashi »

Offline L.K. [Taikichi]

  • The Cel Shader
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 544
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: FNO
« Reply #176 on: August 07, 2015, 10:34:56 PM »
I went and read up on that SwordHero guy, my goodness. Enough said.

Each time I have to rewrite the chapter I like to go with an entirely foreign plot and incorporate different characters. There are about a million ways this chapter could be written and still be potent, might as well experiment with them while i work on my skills as a writer. You all said my 2nd to last draft felt very rushed and it was pushing you from one extreme to the other, well really both of them were that way. They ended up that way because I believed the exact opposite was true when writing them. I was mapping out the storyboard in my head as I wrote it thinking, this isn't going to fit on 25 pages. So when I was writing it, I purposely cut out a lot of introductory information just to get the story moving.

When you said it felt rushed that actually meant something to me. So when I wrote the last chapter I purposely allowed Reina's conversation with Tara to go almost as far as it could have in Part II so the story could slow down, but at parts III and IV I felt the pressure.

In contrast I am absolutely willing to change my writing style. The major complaint was that Tara didn't have a personality, and I could understand that she didn't have one, but I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong that didn't allow her to have one. Because you have a character like Reina being written about right alongside her and she has a personality and her personality is made very obvious because she's supposed to be crazy. Her clothes show off how crazy she is, her choice of class, her vocabulary, her actions. And there's more depth to Reina than I've even shown yet. Not just the fact that she's also affectionate and sociable, but there's also a reason why I designed her with heterochromia. It was clear that I knew how to write a character as everyone requested.

In the last draft I wrote Tara the same way I write about Reina, and that meant dictating her words and actions based on that direction of violence and bravery regardless of logic and reason thus it could never be said that she was not being consistent. It was comical, really, to have done that and now the major issue being that she's too consistent. I just hope that with my understanding of amnesia now, I won't need to change her in any way.

And I certainly won't have to rush if I introduce less in the chapter.

Offline Lovus Eternius

  • I'm just a writer.
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1350
  • Firstborne INC. Making life great again.
    • View Profile
Re: FNO
« Reply #177 on: August 07, 2015, 10:45:50 PM »
I'm a pretty stubborn person, so I really don't care how long it takes to finish chapter one, I'll keep writing until it satisfies me. To me that's the most enjoyable part of writing a story is writing its beginning. In these months I haven't been doing nothing for the story, I just choose to reveal little because as Lumaria said it hurts my story when I reveal things like character names early. I can't imagine what horror would've come of FNO if I'd stayed with that original first chapter. I wouldn't have imagined FNO like this then, I can't imagine what it will become now, but I can imagine I'll love it.

The FNO story is about as vast in content as the game. I understand everything that can or will happen from beginning to end. At this point I'm pretty much done with creative writing which is why I've been experimenting with characters like Lucius, Olsin and Keegan. I've even been leaning against having the reversal, and the nation-building mechanics as a part of the game.
As the self-proclaimed greatest writer on MangaRaiders - No pun intended... -scoffs and raises eyebrows in a just kidding sort of way-

Stubbornness isn't a good quality to have as a writer.

You must always be willing to adapt if it is within your desire to succeed. For starters... this story. Is not good. It doesn't meet publisher standards and you aren't doing anything to change it. The beginning... it's not good.

You're starting too far ahead, revealing too many details, characters and plot-points AND THEN expecting us to care about characters we know nothing about. You progress too quickly and there are no sensory details whatsoever. It's all just what you see. Not what you feel with your hands, against your face, or what the air smells like. Create a vivid image in your readers mind then progress forward revealing plotpoints, making smooth transitions into different scenes and writing long enough in those scenes that it feels smooth and not all jittery.

By the way here's a couple things you should know... Amnesiac characters make descriptive writing very difficult because they forget too much crap and it becomes annoying for the reader. Try describing the smell of something really disgusting and gross without using glorious poetic like:

- Yukiko inhaled through her nose - the overwhelming scent of onions, some sort of rotting ass-flesh, and three days of worth of sweat created a nose burning cocktail that made her feel nauseous to the point where she wanted to regurgitate what little spaghetti and meatballs she had just eaten. "Ugh..." She let out a despaired moan and covered her nose and started inhaling the damp and salty air through her mouth. Tears filled her eyes as she gagged thrice; she was trying her godsdamned hardest to keep her food down. Of course nobody in the room was aware of how disgusted she was because of her red and shiny polarized goggles, and of course the dirty brown rag pulled over her face in a bid to hide her identity." -

Oh... wait... this is for a manga or light novel... forget everything smart I just said and assume I'm an idiot that knows nothing about manga or making an artist's job easier.

OKAY

BETTER ADVICE: Stick to the plan but write it in the best possible way. A chapter is a part of a story, so you don't need subdivisions. A chapter can be however long you want it... 8 pages, 6 pages... 24 pages? It doesn't matter. Just make sure you have a set amount of words and you meet that criteria without going over.
« Last Edit: August 07, 2015, 10:48:13 PM by Gelmura-Sensei »

Offline L.K. [Taikichi]

  • The Cel Shader
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 544
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: FNO
« Reply #178 on: August 08, 2015, 01:28:42 AM »
I'm a pretty stubborn person, so I really don't care how long it takes to finish chapter one, I'll keep writing until it satisfies me. To me that's the most enjoyable part of writing a story is writing its beginning. In these months I haven't been doing nothing for the story, I just choose to reveal little because as Lumaria said it hurts my story when I reveal things like character names early. I can't imagine what horror would've come of FNO if I'd stayed with that original first chapter. I wouldn't have imagined FNO like this then, I can't imagine what it will become now, but I can imagine I'll love it.

The FNO story is about as vast in content as the game. I understand everything that can or will happen from beginning to end. At this point I'm pretty much done with creative writing which is why I've been experimenting with characters like Lucius, Olsin and Keegan. I've even been leaning against having the reversal, and the nation-building mechanics as a part of the game.
As the self-proclaimed greatest writer on MangaRaiders - No pun intended... -scoffs and raises eyebrows in a just kidding sort of way-

Stubbornness isn't a good quality to have as a writer.

You must always be willing to adapt if it is within your desire to succeed. For starters... this story. Is not good. It doesn't meet publisher standards and you aren't doing anything to change it. The beginning... it's not good.

You're starting too far ahead, revealing too many details, characters and plot-points AND THEN expecting us to care about characters we know nothing about. You progress too quickly and there are no sensory details whatsoever. It's all just what you see. Not what you feel with your hands, against your face, or what the air smells like. Create a vivid image in your readers mind then progress forward revealing plotpoints, making smooth transitions into different scenes and writing long enough in those scenes that it feels smooth and not all jittery.

By the way here's a couple things you should know... Amnesiac characters make descriptive writing very difficult because they forget too much crap and it becomes annoying for the reader. Try describing the smell of something really disgusting and gross without using glorious poetic like:

- Yukiko inhaled through her nose - the overwhelming scent of onions, some sort of rotting ass-flesh, and three days of worth of sweat created a nose burning cocktail that made her feel nauseous to the point where she wanted to regurgitate what little spaghetti and meatballs she had just eaten. "Ugh..." She let out a despaired moan and covered her nose and started inhaling the damp and salty air through her mouth. Tears filled her eyes as she gagged thrice; she was trying her godsdamned hardest to keep her food down. Of course nobody in the room was aware of how disgusted she was because of her red and shiny polarized goggles, and of course the dirty brown rag pulled over her face in a bid to hide her identity." -

Oh... wait... this is for a manga or light novel... forget everything smart I just said and assume I'm an idiot that knows nothing about manga or making an artist's job easier.

OKAY

BETTER ADVICE: Stick to the plan but write it in the best possible way. A chapter is a part of a story, so you don't need subdivisions. A chapter can be however long you want it... 8 pages, 6 pages... 24 pages? It doesn't matter. Just make sure you have a set amount of words and you meet that criteria without going over.

I'll keep that in mind.

Offline Icanttakecritiscism

  • Get out of the way peasant
  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 120
  • Gender: Male
  • Ew you faggot
    • View Profile
Re: FNO
« Reply #179 on: August 08, 2015, 04:18:21 AM »
Hyperboles work excellently when used well: "The macabre spectacle of flying limbs" during a shelling in WW1 is good. That paragraph about her gagging was awful.