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What is the main issue with the story?

Too boring!!...Zzzzzzz
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Characters/plot are unappealing and/or underdeveloped.
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Chapters are too damn long!
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Author Topic: Hikaru Rising Discussion Board  (Read 5498 times)

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Offline 50 Words for Paipis

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Re: Hikaru Rising Discussion Board
« Reply #45 on: April 12, 2015, 11:20:56 PM »
Sorry I ran off without finishing my review. I don't know if I can catch up, but if I ever find myself in the spirit of reviewing again, I'll make sure your story is the first on my list. Keep up the hard work! :thumbsup:

Offline Aozora

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Re: Hikaru Rising Discussion Board
« Reply #46 on: April 12, 2015, 11:31:20 PM »
Wow thanks, means a lot to me man. I understand life and college is definitely more important so its all good. But yeah, if you ever get around to taking another look at it that'd be awesome. Your reviews were pretty helpful ;D
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

Check out my stories here: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=12492.msg213349#msg213349

Offline legomaestro

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Re: Hikaru Rising Discussion Board
« Reply #47 on: May 04, 2015, 03:52:08 AM »
Finally got to reviewing your chapter Usopp

Okay, so my reviews as always are from a basic reader’s point of view. They are my personal thoughts and opinions, so don’t expect some grand literary criticism from me. However I have read a good amount of books so you can at least trust in that as far as credibility goes. Anyhow, here is my review

Review for Chapter 2

1. Kovio vocalizes his understanding, but does not act immediately. Instead, he pauses for a second, quietly watching Heian ferociously hack away at the wood.
- vocalizes feels like a weird word to use
- also, try to avoid using adverbs like ‘ferociously’ to make the language more direct. Well not avoid, but if it’s done too much you have long hanging sentences that may sound passive to the reader.

2. Kovio abruptly stops speaking after Heian throws his axe aside and falls to the welcoming grass in a relaxed and comfortable position.
- the ‘abruptly’  and ‘throws’ made me anticipate an angry outburst or something with more vigor, not Heian relaxing. Was a bit jarring to read

3.Kovio cannot believe his eyes; it had been ages since he had last seen Heian take a break from work.
- This sort of shows why Kovio would just stop speaking though so maybe it’s okay like that.

4. After releasing a loud sigh from exhaustion, Heian says,
- Perhaps amend the sentence by removing ‘from exhaustion’. Or something like ‘Heian sighs with exhaustion, and then says ‘ . It seems weird to say ‘after releasing (...)’

5.
“Obasan thinks that she’s protecting us helpless orphans by keeping us in this farm. But the way I see it, this farm is just a cage. Think about it…why do you think the livestock don’t just run away?”
- nice dialogue here

6. “Good,” responds Heian curtly. Getting back on his feet and walking towards his axe, he then says, “Let’s get back to work.” And without another word, Heian resumes chopping while Kovio takes the wood to the farmhouse.
- I saw hints of this from people talking but Heian has an interesting character there.

7. Hana is with them too laughing and enjoying the playful mood.
- Maybe use a comma somewhere to let the sentence flow better.

8.
“If you weren’t so useless, life would be so much better around here,” he adds with an almost disgusted expression directed towards Hikaru.
- ouch

9.
“Kovio is right…I don’t do much around here. But usually he never gets too mad about something like that. He knows about my lack of stamina and health issues…so I wonder what got him so mad?” he thinks to himself.
- sounds like an excuse to me

10.
Finally snapping and glaring at Obasan, he interrupts, “Because I don’t want to, okay? Is it so hard for you to understand that sometimes I don’t want to do every little thing that you want?
- Now he’s being childish, but I suppose pent up issues have a habit of coming out all at once
11.
The children return Heian’s emotional monologue with blank stares, except for Hikaru. He exclaims, “Heian, that’s enough! Don’t speak ill of Obasan in front of our siblings. How can you be so ungrateful? Have you forgotten everything she’s done for us?”
- True. One moment he advises Kovio on not to be as negative as him and the next he finds it proper to say those things in front of the siblings? And even if he’s interested in adventure and the like he can’t deny he hasn’t had sickness or death to worry about. Boo Heian.

12.
Trying to reason with him, Obasan replies, “Heian, please do not accuse of me of such a thing. I know that I ask more from you but that’s only because I trust and depend on you so much. I did not realize you were feeling overburdened. But that doesn’t mean you have the right to take your anger and frustration out on your family!”
- True

13– a moment from his childhood when he felt Obasan favored Hikaru over him.
- I read this from an article about the cons of writing in present tense. It’s that flashbacks are hard to pull of properly without jarring the reader somehow. So be careful about that

14.
“I’m sorry for everything I said to you…yesterday and today.”
-  Ah, he apologized. And here I was thinking he was a complete tool. Heian redeems himself.

15. Smiling faintly, Heian replies, “Yeah…sounds good.”
i.e ‘nope. I’m done with this place’
16.
“Oi, by the way slowpoke, why is some food missing from my plate?”

“Well, it took a while to look for you and it was tempting me…”

“You ate it didn’t you!?”
- Hahaha, that was a nice scene
17. “Thank you, Obasan,” he says while standing up.

-Great scene here too

18.
Heian does not back down from Hikaru’s gaze and answers him with conviction. “I didn’t know how to say it then, but I’ll say it now. Happiness cannot come from others but instead comes from within. You should remember this, Hikaru. What would you do if you did not have Obasan or our siblings? How would you find happiness then?”
- Nice dialogue again. I could learn from this

19.

Hikaru stood in place watching his brother until he was nothing more than a speck in the distance. 
 
- There were some hiccups at the beginning, but you really got into your element later on. Nice development of character and setting of scenes that lets us understand the story bit by bit. I’m very interested in seeing the sorts of things that Heian finds out, and unfortunately (but sort of fortunately) I know that Hikaru will somehow be involved in battles later down the line. The thing is how does he come from this person to that person in the future? There is no hint of his grand backstory or the future that he’ll come to, but it’s exciting to consider.
I wish I could write present tense like this. You pull it off quite nicely, and the characters are pretty interesting.
I’d like to point out some great big cons that I can notice but as I said I usually tackle these things as a reader so technical critique is not my strongsuit other than the occasional obvious errors. The best thing is that you obviously spell-checked your work (You wouldn’t believe how many people forget to do this) and the words are easy to read.
Interested in seeing what happens in the next chapter.

Offline Aozora

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Re: Hikaru Rising Discussion Board
« Reply #48 on: May 04, 2015, 03:28:06 PM »
Hey Lego, thanks for the review! :D I'm in the same boat as you when it comes to literary criticism so no worries haha. Appreciate the suggestions on how to fix those awkward sounding sentences and lines.
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

Check out my stories here: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=12492.msg213349#msg213349

Offline swearzy

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Re: Hikaru Rising Discussion Board
« Reply #49 on: May 05, 2015, 04:28:37 AM »
So I read the first chapter, and from that Hikaru isn't a character I could like easily. Although the setting was set well.

I grew up on a small family farm and I'm super lazy and overweight (Actually I'm probably an RL Hikaru, without the whole being and angel thing :( makes me sad), but I would take care of the chickens, ducks and pigs first before I go and laze about lol. So you are taught from a young age that the welfare of the animals come first and foremost, so it should be a habit by the time you are mature age.

Being in the dark ages, overweight people usually had some form of wealth. Farmers didn't eat their animals on a regular basis so I am confused about this.

I feel like you are over describing some scenes with big words that an average reader would have a hard time understanding, if you want to cater towards a larger audience.

I also dislike slow starting novels, even if a review is great if I'm not hooked in the first chapter I will most likely put it down and go my way. (This is a super personal opinion)

I like medieval, heaven/hell angels/demons. But I need some action to draw me in. Everyone else has pretty much covered names, countries and ethnicity and other beefs I had so I won't repeat it :). BUT being multicultural is a good thing!

I hope I made sense and helped even if a little

Offline legomaestro

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Re: Hikaru Rising Discussion Board
« Reply #50 on: May 05, 2015, 05:11:32 PM »
Got through chapter 3...

Review for Chapter 3
1.
Far beyond the universe of mankind exists the Realm of Light, a world inhabited by angels. Luscious, green fields, pristine oceans, and modernized gothic-style architecture characterize the landscape of this world.

- So it confirms now that it’s a fantasy story. It’s a bit jarring, but interesting nonetheless

2. Not far from the Torch is a colossal castle surrounded by a vast courtyard. This is King’s Court, where King Lucidus, the Ruler of the Realm of Light, and his officials reside.
- I generally phase out words and names of gods and deities until I get used to them, so hopefully things aren’t too complicated so  my mind can sort of catch up.

3.

Lucidus replies calmly, “No, such an action would turn Earth into the new battleground for the Eternal War. I banished my son from this realm for almost doing exactly that.”

Using the mention of Hikaru to change the topic, Yogen says, “Your Grace, speaking of your son, perhaps it is wise to move Hikaru into the Realm of Light with Earth becoming increasingly unsafe.”

- I feel like that information was spoonfed to us in a way that takes away from the suspense. But it’s no real big issue

4. Yogen chuckles. “Ah, asking about Prince Hikaru again, Your Grace? Do not worry. I have been observing him through the Orb of Clairvoyance.”
- I think Lucidus would know what Yogen would use to observe his son. Maybe just say ‘the orb?’. But I suppose as celestial beings their language is naturally a bit strange and dated.

5.
Rising slowly from his cot, Hikaru yawns loudly, his massive stomach bulging.
- It is so disconcerting to have  a fat hero. It’d make for an even more interesting read in the manga

6.
Rory simply whimpers in response, also tired from the constant moving and working.
- His dog is as lazy as him.

7.
Her eyes watering and her voice shaking, Hana says, “You’re mean! Heian used to always play with me.” Hikaru tries to apologize but she runs off in tears.
- Yikes. Smooth moves Hikaru
8.
Hikaru is absolutely stunned, his mouth unable to articulate any response. Obasan has scolded him before, but never like this.
- Indeed,  I’m surprised too, but I can’t argue.

9. This was the first time Hikaru was introduced to the gruesome phenomenon of death. He could not fathom the situation; he could not understand whether he was experiencing reality. He screamed at the top of his lungs, tears flowing from his eyes like torrential rain.
- Wow. Just wow.

10.
The monster flings Rory into the wall, grabs him, and rips him into two. After throwing Rory’s remains aside, the monster starts to well up its chest, charging up for something – something bad.
- Totally a Lord Loss moment here. Didn’t know they’d die exactly. Was actually still in ‘general family angst’ mode.

11. “Yes…but my real name is Patrona, Guardian of Light, and I am an angel!” she declares and repels another ball of fire with her wings. The dispersed flames dance around her, giving her a shining and graceful appearance.   
- I knew Patrona must’ve been the old woman, but I’m still surprised.

12. Her green piercing eyes starkly contrast her gray skin. But the most distinguishing characteristic is the wicked smile she wears as she peers at the farm and chews on the tomato that Hikaru had thrown into the forest earlier.   

- Man that’s just an intense end. Great chapter, pretty interesting stuff.

Offline Aozora

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Re: Hikaru Rising Discussion Board
« Reply #51 on: May 05, 2015, 05:18:01 PM »
@Swearzy: Thanks for the review dude. Yeah I tend to write in a novel style so a lot of my stories have slow starts. I've written summaries for my chapters so whichever chapter has a summary that seems interesting to you, you can read that one, instead of going in order. Or you can read this new story I started called Hansha (in the Develop Your Story board). The first chapter is like 90% action so I think you'll like that one :biggrin:

@Lego: Dang Lego, you're on fire man. Thanks so much. I'll get to reading your chapter 2 asap. Might take me until tomorrow though cause I've got some work to do that I haven't even started on yet :(
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

Check out my stories here: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=12492.msg213349#msg213349

Offline legomaestro

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Re: Hikaru Rising Discussion Board
« Reply #52 on: May 05, 2015, 05:19:55 PM »
Haha no rush. I used to review much more regularly back in the day. I have slacked on that front.

Offline legomaestro

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Re: Hikaru Rising Discussion Board
« Reply #53 on: May 07, 2015, 06:55:36 AM »
Reading bit by bit so sorry for spamming posts. I'll be caught up soon I think
Review on Chapter 4
1.
His pleasant expression converting to one of slight bamboozlement, Hikaru wonders what his siblings are doing.
- “Slight bamboozlement” Is a really strange phrase to use mid story...
2. it punches him like a boxer issuing the knockout blow – the heart wrenching realization that his dream was not a dream.
- I feel there could be a shorter more direct way of using that metaphor. But the dream sequence was a really good way to increase the grief of the situation.

3.
Images of his bloodied siblings and mutilated dog littering the burning house fill his mind. He sobs to himself quietly, the tears rolling down his face furiously.
- Not only are the adverbs in overdrive, the first sentence is hard to make sense of  in that it doesn’t flow well...

4.
Disappointed by his lack of fortitude, he falls to his knees, the palms of his hands resting against the mulch and tears falling from his face to the ground. “Why am I so pathetic?” he thinks to himself.
-  He is indeed pathetic.

5.
Suddenly, he starts to feel warmer. He looks back and above to see the sun, which had maneuvered its way through the thick bush to reach him.
*manoeuvred

6.
Collapsing to the floor, he says aloud, repeatedly and unintelligibly, “I’m so sorry, Obasan. I’m a coward.” He continues to sob and mutter uncontrollably.

-That’s just grim...

7.
Never before had Hikaru worked so hard. The peaceful, happy Hikaru would have collapsed from exhaustion after digging the first grave itself. But this current Hikaru dug nine graves, placed the bodies of his family and pet in them, and then closed them. What is it that drove him – fear, sadness, a combination of both, or perhaps some other emotion that transcends even human understanding? Whatever it is, it is a powerful motivator.
- You’ve been doing this a bit, but Im just not sure how well narration helps in a present tense story. Is an interesting way to do things but may take away from the point of using present tense in the first place. Maybe if it was a first person present tense story you’d be able to reveal emotions more explicitly, otherwise it may just be best to let the reader figure out things for themselves...

8.
Sitting there, Hikaru continues to stare at Hana’s grave. The bracelet she gave him rests on top, the white flowers now brown and wilting.
- While Hana is the most pitiful of them all, you might want to have him concerned with the family as a whole, rather than using the little girl as the emotional factor. No real complaint though, just consider it.

9.
“We prayed to you every damn day! Why?” he yells again.
- So even Hikaru can get angry

10.
Before entering the forest that separates the farm from the rest of the world, he has one last thought: “Heian, I’m coming for you!”

- Now I wonder how Heian will react to the news. But it completely slipped my mind that his family still existed. Hopefully Hikaru levels up quickly during his journey...
- So is the angel dead? Was she the old woman or not? I’m not quite clear on it.


Offline Aozora

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Re: Hikaru Rising Discussion Board
« Reply #54 on: May 07, 2015, 05:43:55 PM »
No worries Lego, keep the posts coming man. I appreciate your reviews a lot. Tonight, I'm gonna do another bout of reviews and you're first on my list ;) and I'll reply to your comments too.
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

Check out my stories here: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=12492.msg213349#msg213349

Offline swearzy

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Re: Hikaru Rising Discussion Board
« Reply #55 on: May 08, 2015, 12:54:26 PM »
@Swearzy: Thanks for the review dude. Yeah I tend to write in a novel style so a lot of my stories have slow starts. I've written summaries for my chapters so whichever chapter has a summary that seems interesting to you, you can read that one, instead of going in order. Or you can read this new story I started called Hansha (in the Develop Your Story board). The first chapter is like 90% action so I think you'll like that one :biggrin:


Roger, Ill have a look see :D

Offline legomaestro

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Re: Hikaru Rising Discussion Board
« Reply #56 on: May 09, 2015, 11:56:40 AM »
Phew, finally all caught up

Review for Chapter 5
1. “Your Grace,” Kalem stutters, “Patrona, our Lady Light, has been killed.”
- So she really was dead. That’s surprising.

2.
He then turns towards the sniffling boy and says, “Once Lord Yogen has finished attending to his matters, inform him that I would like his presence. That is all. Thank you, Kalem.”
- For some reason ‘Yogen’ rhymes with ‘Sousuke (Aizen)’. I can’t help but picture him the same way. Definitely a traitor

3.
“Rest up, my dear. We’re not done yet.”
- Wondering what she’s all about , and how she’s related to the attack. In fact, why did the attack stop when Petrona was killed? Hikaru was a free target for hours upon end after that... But I guess he did run away and sleep somewhere. Do demons have good sense of smell?

4   As he maneuvers his way through the tight spaces (...)
*manoeuvres

5. And then to the side, he observes a gang of rowdy men following and harassing a young maiden. These were not the only two instances; immorality ran through the crowds of people like a rampant disease. 
-Humanity at its best

6. A disheveled, cross-eyed woman wearing a bandana appears at his side suddenly.
*dishevelled

7.
Before Hikaru can finish his thought, the woman lunges for his medallion, attempting to lift it off his neck.

Shocked, he falters for a second to register what’s happening but when he does, he yells, “No!”

- He should probably try to keep it well hidden

8. on the farm, he is instead greeted by a sky that has been grayed and dulled by the smog of the city.
-I’m not sure how smog could be formed in this city. For now I have the impression of a great marketplace with dirt floors everywhere, but I’m not sold on the fact that it’s a city that produces enough smoke to do this   

9 “Hello Brother! Do you think you could spare some change for me and my family?” he asks, a wide smile still gracing his lips.

- This is such a bad idea to respond to Hikaru. But Im guessing he will, and then things won’t end well.

10.
“Thank you, little one. I will cherish this always.”

“Good luck and safe journeys,” the boy replies while waving good-bye. Hikaru walks forth, placing his new gift in his pocket.
- Huh, well look at that. I was the douche here, the kid was alright.

11.
Hikaru turns towards the woman and says softly, “He told her he loves her.”
- Sad moment is sad.

12.
“Thank you so much!” Hikaru says delighted and relieved.
- Irony is not trusting the beggar child who turns out to be good, and expecting merchants to have common decency to be upright but they turn out to be crooked.

13.
As he twirls the medallion with his fingers, the merchant adds, “Enjoy the Capital boy,” with a smirk. As the merchant and the young man walk away, the driver drags Hikaru towards the cart.
- Man Hikaru is so helpless.

I'd say  that the chapter was longer than others and yet filled with lot's of necessary content. Showing the heavenly dimension may get in the way of the reality of Hikaru's situation though, and I'm not sure which dimension has faster time flow than the other? I don't know, it seemed weird to say 'one day ago'.

Anyways the travelling to the tower may have been too quick, only in terms of the way you described it though, but it's no big miss. Nice characterizations as always, and I'm interested in this Sir Bren character.

Good stuff so far Usopp, keep it up.


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Re: Hikaru Rising Discussion Board
« Reply #57 on: June 09, 2015, 12:14:34 AM »
I'm not much of a one for telling. I've found over the years that showing is far more effective.

Here are two examples: one is your opening at is presently reads; what follows is how it would read if I had revised it. You can make your own mind up from there:

Spoiler

Example #1

On the outskirts of the Sharia Kingdom, the largest country on Earth at this time, lies a quaint and quiet farmhouse surrounded by rows of various crops and endless grassland. Lying in the grass, 19-year-old Hikaru gazes at the cerulean-colored sky littered with clouds, a smile stretching across his pudgy, rounded face. The sun’s warm rays beat down on Hikaru’s light brown skin, giving it almost a golden glow. The gentle wind runs through his thick, black curly hair. His deep, slow breathing is in perfect harmony with the rhythmic expansion and subsequent contraction of his mountain of a stomach.

“Oi Rory, have you ever thought about what lies beyond the sky? There could be a whole ‘nother world out there that we don’t even know about…” Hikaru says musingly, his eyes still fixed on the vast, blue sea above him.

Also feeling lethargic, Rory does not move a muscle and replies with a faint whimper. Hikaru smiles and pats his best friend’s dark brown fur, thinking how lucky he is to always have his trustworthy German shepherd by his side.

“Ah, we’re both feeling lazy today, ain’t we Rory?” he asks.

Suddenly, several cheerful children bombard Hikaru. Laughing, he tries to escape the barrage of excited children. Even Rory starts running around with the children, feeling more energetic.  One of the six children circling Hikaru smacks him in the back.

“Ow!” Hikaru says, rubbing his back.

Sticking out his tongue, a blonde-haired boy yells, “You’re ‘it’, Big Brother! Come and get us!”

“Oi, oi, you’re all faster than me. I can’t catch any of you buggers.”

Slowly walking up to Hikaru, a girl of only four to five years in age says timidly, “You can tag me, Big Brother. I don’t mind.”

“Oi Hana, you can’t just let him tag you! That’s cheating,” a brown-haired girl exclaims.

Hikaru, appearing as a giant next to the young girl, looks down to find two immense emerald beads, exuding beauty and innocence, gazing up at him.

Patting the young girl’s head, her light blue hair tickling his hand, Hikaru says, “Haha, you’re too nice, little Hana. If I just tag you to avoid being ‘it’, that’s gonna make me look bad.”


Example #2


On the outskirts of the Sharia Kingdom, the largest country on Earth, lay a quaint farmhouse set amid rows of crops and surrounded by grassland that undulated in the wind like an unquiet sea. Lying in the grass, a smile stretched across his pudgy, rounded face, lay Hikaru, who gazed reflectively at the cerulean-colored sky littered with clouds. The sun’s warm rays beat down on his skin, giving it almost a golden glow. The gentle wind teased his thick, black curly hair. His deep, slow breathing was in perfect harmony with the rhythmic expansion and subsequent contraction of his mountain of a stomach.

“Oi Rory, have you ever thought about what lies beyond the sky? There could be a whole ‘nother world out there that we don’t even know about!" Hikaru said musingly, his eyes never leaving the vast blue sea above him.

Rory replied only with a faint whimper. Hikaru smiled and patted his best friend’s dark brown fur, thinking how lucky he was to always have the German shepherd by his side.

“Ah, we’re both feeling lazy today, ain’t we Rory?” he asked rhetorically.

At that moment, several playful children seemed to appear from nowhere and descend upon Hikaru where he lay. With a laugh, he tried not too seriously to escape the excited mob of youngers. Rory bounded to his feet with a doggy grin that delighted the children, one of whom circled Hikaru and smacked him loudly on the back.

“Ow!” Hikaru exclaimed exaggeratedly, rubbing his back for effect.

Sticking out his tongue, the blonde-haired boy yelled, “You’re ‘it’, Big Brother! Come and get us!”

“Oi, oi, you’re all faster than me," Hikaru laughed, getting to his feet."I can’t catch any of you buggers!”

A little girl of only four years looked up at him with big, solemn eyes and said, “You can tag me, Big Brother. I don’t mind.”

“Oi Hana, you can’t just let him tag you! That’s cheating!” a brown-haired girl exclaimed.

Hikaru seemed a giant next to the young girl. He looked down into immense emerald eyes that exuded beauty and innocence. Patting her head with a fond smile, her light blue hair tickling his hand, Hikaru said gently, “Haha, you’re too nice, little Hana. If I just tag you to avoid being ‘it’, that’s gonna make me look bad, now isn't it?”
« Last Edit: June 09, 2015, 12:19:10 AM by gsmonks »

Offline Aozora

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Re: Hikaru Rising Discussion Board
« Reply #58 on: June 09, 2015, 10:12:01 AM »
Thanks very much. I appreciate you going through the first part and showing how you'd write it. Showing vs telling is something I've been struggling with so it's good to see an example of how to make it more 'showing' and less 'telling'. Also from your example, I'm growing fond of the past tense but that means I'd have to change 25,000+ words to fit that point of view...that's not gonna be fun :(
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

Check out my stories here: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=12492.msg213349#msg213349

gsmonks

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Re: Hikaru Rising Discussion Board
« Reply #59 on: June 09, 2015, 11:12:47 AM »
Thanks very much. I appreciate you going through the first part and showing how you'd write it. Showing vs telling is something I've been struggling with so it's good to see an example of how to make it more 'showing' and less 'telling'. Also from your example, I'm growing fond of the past tense but that means I'd have to change 25,000+ words to fit that point of view...that's not gonna be fun :(

Bwah-ha-ha-ha-a-a! We've all been there, so get crackin'!

The biggest problem with present-tense writing is that most people don't know how to do it. If the viewpoint character is "you", most new present-tense writers tend to make the classic mistake in dialogue of saying, "I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, My, I, I, I, I, I, I, My, My . . . " A really good present-tense writer can write a whole book rarely referring directly to the viewpoint character as "I" or "My".

That's something that takes a LOT of work.

Another problem with writing in the present tense is that you're stuck with a limitation in terms of peripheral activity. Something can only happen if the viewpoint character sees it or hears about it as it's happening. The problem here for you, in your story, is that you've got all this back-story stuff happening, plus your viewpoint character is a little person in a great big world who has little or no chance of knowing about things that are not within his range.

Stories of this type are usually written using the omniscient viewpoint for good reason: it leaves you (the author) free to move around at will, listen to what other characters are thinking, zip around to see what's going on in the world you've created, insert little segues, have necessary digressions, bring in backstory, you name it.