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Author Topic: Melody Box  (Read 5767 times)

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Offline Robin Ryuu

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Melody Box
« on: January 19, 2015, 11:04:49 PM »



Fantasy, steampunk, action, adventure, drama, and tragedy.


Chapter 0 (Prologue)
Version 1
(A young boy sits near the ledge of a cliff over looking the ocean.)

???: Oi, Klaude. You up here?

Klaude: Over here.

(An older boy appears and grins while holding up a small burlap bag.)
???: Here, catch.

(Klaude reaches to catch the bag, however a sudden sharp pain in his arm causes him to recoil and miss. The bag hits him in the face.)
Klaude: Ow...

(The older boy sits down a few feet away.)
???: Ah... Sorry. I guess your arm isn't healed yet, huh.

Klaude: It's been getting better though.

(Klaude picks up the bag and open's it. He pulls out a few of the items contained within.)
Klaude: What is it?

???: It's called candy, you eat it. Go on, try a piece.

(Klaude eyes the boy suspiciously and then pops one in his mouth.)
Klaude: Ah! It's sweet!

(The boy grins.)
???: It's pretty good, right?

(Klaude sticks a few more pieces in his mouth.)
???: Heh. I'll take that as a yes.

Klaude: ... Jett... you stole from the Captain again, didn't you? What if you get caught? They'd kill you.

Jett: What? You doubting my skills? ... Well, this was the last time anyways...

Klaude: Eh?

Jett: I'm going to join the ship's crew. You know that things aren't going to be safe if we both stay here. At least if I go we'll both get enough to eat.

Klaude: But... What if I went instead? Then...

Jett: You? You get sick when you're in a docked ship. How are you going to survive out there? Besides, you wouldn't make a good pirate, Klaude.

Klaude: Why not!?

Jett: You're too kind... and you're a bit of a crybaby.

Klaude: Am not!

Jett: Oh? Is that so? Then I guess it must be raining then, huh *Klau~dy?             *Jett is teasing him about his name since Klaude means weak/lame.

(Klaude rubs his eyes with his wrist.)
Klaude: My arm started hurting again, that's all!

Jett: Uh~huh You're a bad liar, too.

Klaude: ...

Jett: ...

Jett: Hey... what do you think about it?

Klaude: About what?

Jett: I mean about me joining the guys who killed your mom and dad. I can't imagine that you're happy about it.

Klaude: ... I... I don't like them, but... you... you'll always be you, right?

Jett: Ha? What kind of dumb question is that!? Of course I'm gonna be me. Who else is gonna be your leader if not me?

(Klaude smiles meekly.)
Ha ha Crow Bandits forever.

Jett: You bet.

Klaude: ... When do you leave?

Jett: Tomorrow morning.

Klaude: Oh...

Jett: ...

Klaude: ... We'll see each other again, right?

Jett: Of course we will. You're my best friend, after all.

(Klaude hands the bag of candy to Jett.)
Klaude: Here.

Jett: Nah, you keep it. I got it for you. ... Tell you what, next time we meet you can get a new bag and we'll share it. How about that?

Klaude: Al.. Alright...

(Jett stands up.)
Jett: Heh... Well... See you later, Klaude.

Klaude: See you later, Jett.


« Last Edit: March 28, 2018, 10:46:18 PM by Robin Ryuu »

Offline WhiteCrow

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Re: Candy and a Promise (Melody Box "short story")
« Reply #1 on: January 19, 2015, 11:56:13 PM »
Your dialogue is well written, this was a good interaction between two characters I do not know. And what you excelled at here was telling me a story without having to move from that ledge near the cliff.

Excellent job, yet another reason why I think you should get the creative juices flowing and give us some more.

Offline darlingGrim

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Re: Candy and a Promise (Melody Box "short story")
« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2015, 12:00:10 AM »
Very cute~

It's very melancholic like a flashback.

Offline Aozora

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Re: Candy and a Promise (Melody Box "short story")
« Reply #3 on: January 20, 2015, 12:02:53 AM »
I completely agree with WhiteCrow. Your dialogue is some of the best I've seen. I could definitely get some pointers from you. Keep up the good work :thumbsup: Could you give a quick summary or plot synopsis though? I'd just like to know what the story is about.
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

Check out my stories here: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=12492.msg213349#msg213349

Offline Robin Ryuu

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Re: Candy and a Promise (Melody Box "short story")
« Reply #4 on: January 20, 2015, 12:39:29 AM »
Thank you, guys.  :D

Quote
Excellent job, yet another reason why I think you should get the creative juices flowing and give us some more.
I definitely need to, since this was the first plot piece that I've written out in detail.

Quote
It's very melancholic like a flashback.
I will probably include it as one later on it the story.

Quote
I could definitely get some pointers from you.
I've never really written anything dialogue heavy before, so the best advice I could give you is to pay attention to both the conversations around you and in stories. Also note that most dialogue is reactions to what the other person said, however there do tend to be pauses where a new topic needs to be introduced (I put 4 pauses in this story, try to find them.) The new topic is generally related to the previous topic, however it can be something totally unrelated if it suits the character/situation.

Quote
Could you give a quick summary or plot synopsis though? I'd just like to know what the story is about.
I still haven't decided on the main plot yet, but basically, it's the story of Klaude and Misty (a dragon) and their adventures. The story "darkness" will be somewhere between shonen (like FMA or Bleach) and seinen (like AoT or Tokyo Ghoul). Melody Box will be the sequel to Lunar Legend, the other comic that I'm working on.

Offline NO1SY

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Re: Candy and a Promise (Melody Box "short story")
« Reply #5 on: January 20, 2015, 08:01:24 AM »
I enjoyed reading this :)

Think it works well as a flashback like you said, or as a prologue.

Reactional (made up word) dialogue sounds natural, and you got some personality through with it.

"Jett: I mean about me joining the guys who killed your mom and dad. I can't imagine that you're happy about it."
This line, even though he tries to say it euphemistically before, still feels a bit too blunt. It seems like the kind of thing that a person would skirt around as much as possible. Unless Klaude has already accepted his parents' deaths.

To improve overall I'd suggest perhaps adding a few more actions here and there, as after eating the candy the whole passage is speech and feels rather static. Even small ones will do, or you could make the scene static and have them both sitting looking out from the cliff top, in which case you may want to add in some description (unless you know how it will look and are drawing it?) or still just small actions like a deep breath of fresh air or something.

Otherwise great job! You should definitely write more often because you do it well. hope we get to see you draw something for it soon also :)

Offline Robin Ryuu

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Re: Candy and a Promise (Melody Box "short story")
« Reply #6 on: January 20, 2015, 10:49:43 AM »
Quote
I enjoyed reading this :)

Think it works well as a flashback like you said, or as a prologue.

Reactional (made up word) dialogue sounds natural, and you got some personality through with it.
Thank you, NO1SEY.

Quote
"Jett: I mean about me joining the guys who killed your mom and dad. I can't imagine that you're happy about it."
This line, even though he tries to say it euphemistically before, still feels a bit too blunt. It seems like the kind of thing that a person would skirt around as much as possible. Unless Klaude has already accepted his parents' deaths.
Yes, I noticed that it sounded a bit odd as I was typing it. Jett does say whatever's on his mind and isn't really one for discussing things delicately, however I'm sure that there is a better way to incorporate it in.

Quote
To improve overall I'd suggest perhaps adding a few more actions here and there, as after eating the candy the whole passage is speech and feels rather static. Even small ones will do, or you could make the scene static and have them both sitting looking out from the cliff top, in which case you may want to add in some description (unless you know how it will look and are drawing it?) or still just small actions like a deep breath of fresh air or something.
I'll probably add some stuff later today, I had just wanted to write out the dialogue before I forgot it and it was already late at night.

Quote
hope we get to see you draw something for it soon also :)
Still haven't even figured out what the characters even look like yet. I know Jett has short black hair and green eyes. Klaude has reddish brown hair and when he's older he gets a tattoo on his shoulder, the symbol of the boy's group... probably a crow skull over a couple feathers. Anyone know a better sounding name than the Crow Bandits?

Offline GingerStark

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Re: Candy and a Promise (Melody Box "short story")
« Reply #7 on: January 20, 2015, 11:09:40 AM »
I see this as either two things;
-A decent prologue to an adventerous story with strong themes on friendship and love, spreading it to strangers they meet along the way.
-A shota yaoi doujinshi.

Interesting  :hmm: The characters outer personalities were clear, there was direction as to what was happening in the end, and I could assume the candy will be reused when the two meet again (If they do).
Bring on the full story I say!  8)

Offline WhiteCrow

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Re: Candy and a Promise (Melody Box "short story")
« Reply #8 on: January 20, 2015, 11:14:00 AM »
The only name that would be better than Crow Bandits would be the White Crows.... 8)

Offline Vio

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Re: Candy and a Promise (Melody Box "short story")
« Reply #9 on: January 20, 2015, 11:20:14 AM »
Crow

The story is intriguing, Robin~

I wish to read more in the near future! :clapping:

Offline WhiteCrow

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Re: Candy and a Promise (Melody Box "short story")
« Reply #10 on: January 20, 2015, 11:23:53 AM »
Vio agrees...

I mean, you could do:

Red Crows
Blue Crows
Gold Crows
(Not Black Crows, those are my rivals)
The name of the green color Robin uses for her dragons-Crows....

U have choices.

Offline Robin Ryuu

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Re: Candy and a Promise (Melody Box "short story")
« Reply #11 on: January 20, 2015, 12:01:22 PM »
Quote
I see this as either two things;
-A decent prologue to an adventerous story with strong themes on friendship and love, spreading it to strangers they meet along the way.
To a point, however I think the story will be a bit darker than your average shonen manga. Mostly that stuff will be left to Alexander Locke, the sword wielding Hero and the self-proclaimed rival of Klaude. :tongue:

Quote
-A shota yaoi doujinshi.
Despite what happened with the character I'm basing Jett on, that's not going to happen.

Quote
The only name that would be better than Crow Bandits would be the White Crows.... 8)
::)

Quote
The story is intriguing, Robin~

I wish to read more in the near future! :clapping:
+
Quote
Bring on the full story I say!  8)
I might write a few more short stories, but the events of Lunar Legend happen before those in Melody box. Unless I do something like Star Wars (which I can't stand watching, do to everything being out of order), Lunar Legend will be released first.

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(Not Black Crows, those are my rivals)
Jett's color is jet black.  :sure:

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The name of the green color Robin uses for her dragons-Crows....
Teal?

Offline Robin Ryuu

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Re: Candy and a Promise (Melody Box "short story")
« Reply #12 on: January 20, 2015, 12:45:04 PM »
I don't suppose anyone here knows any tutorials on drawing burn scars?

Offline Robin Ryuu

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Re: Candy and a Promise (Melody Box "short story")
« Reply #13 on: January 20, 2015, 10:08:02 PM »
Introducing Jett... (Age 14)



I think my current style needs to be tweaked a bit, but other than that I am quite pleased with how he turned out.

Offline Aozora

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Re: Candy and a Promise (Melody Box "short story")
« Reply #14 on: January 20, 2015, 10:17:02 PM »
Yeah looks quite good! So the markings on his neck and stomach are burn scars right?
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

Check out my stories here: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=12492.msg213349#msg213349