In the year 2039 the bulwatian empire invaded section 90 world 3 and carved fear into human hearts. They are among 10 of the strongest empires that rule this side of the galaxy. However upon arriving on world 3 the empire started to fall, the king 'maxium' is slain and his second son ramone is mad with rage! His father, the king blew up planet NIM their previous home along with maya--ramone's wife. Ramone's brother jean the next successor did nothing to stop their father.
As ramone lost hope and was blinded by grief he didn't Notice the kings inheritance taking him over, after all no one but the one who became king knew about it. And now he finally had the power to stop his father! The power to be king! The power to make those dogs bow before him!
So ramone killed his father and anyone who'd stand against him including his brother. Jean did manage to save two persons, his son(ryoshin) and younger sister(jade)
Those two managed to escape from the royal ship to world three's lands below But they are still being hunted by ramone. Now ryoshin's Back is against the ropes, his best friend's Life's are in Ramones hands, he's being framed for murder, almost died and his sensei is restoring His memories! What he sees... And while their fights rage on neither Of them know there's more to the inheritance than meets the eyes..
Don't take this the wrong way but this is a hot mess.
Reading this
However upon arriving on world 3 the empire started to fall, the king 'maxium' is slain and his second son ramone is mad with rage!
King Maxim gets murdered and his second son Ramone is mad about it. Is the rest of his family not bothered?
His father, the king blew up planet NIM their previous home along with maya--ramone's wife.
The King apparently blew up the family's old home planet NIM, along with Ramone's wife. Did Ramone hate his wife or should he be glad someone killed the person who blew up his family home and killed his wife?
Ramone's brother jean the next successor did nothing to stop their father.
Ramone has a brother Jean who WAS the next successor.. so at this point he is the king.. as the old king Maxim is dead.
Jean is presumably the older brother because with the human belief in blood magic. only the first born male child of a virgin, is trusted to be of the father's blood. (in case you ever wondered why people say it is important to marry a virgin and that your first child be male)
As ramone lost hope and was blinded by grief he didn't Notice the kings inheritance taking him over, after all no one but the one who became king knew about it.
Jean became king. Why does this have anything to do with Ramone? Also much like the "birds and bees" talk that all responsible parents have with their kids, you'd think the "When your super powers show up" talk would be very similar. Not to mention "super powers" do not tend to stay secret to only the person who has them as the years pass by.
And now he finally had the power to stop his father!
King Maxim is dead. That is how Jean became king (and apparently got power of some sort). Ramone's dad is about as stopped as he can be.. Unless king Maxim returned from the dead as a flesh hungry zombie.
The power to be king!
Nope, that would be Jean according to the already established "kings inheritance: no one but the one who became king knew about it" thing.
The power to make those dogs bow before him!
Somehow dogs are now involved.
So ramone killed his father and anyone who'd stand against him including his brother.
So Ramone killed his father.. and then went "mad with rage!" because of his father dying.. at Ramone's hand. And now Ramone Kills Jean (presumably Jean and not a 3rd or 4th brother) who had the power of inheritance, which then passes to Jean's kid, and will allow Ramone who was never in line for the power, to stop his father, who Ramone already murdered...
Wait what is Ramone for? Who is standing against this? Is Ramone just for Ramone?
The power of inheritance must be pretty lame is so many people with it die so easy...
Jean did manage to save two persons, his son(ryoshin) and younger sister(jade)
Ramone kills King "for a few minutes" Jean, presumably Ryoshin (as heir) gets The King's Inheritance. All hail King Ryoshin.
Those two managed to escape from the royal ship to world three's lands below But they are still being hunted by ramone.
Presumably King Ryoshin and Auntie Jade, are being hunted by King Ryoshin's sad uncle Ramone (Ramone probably even heard his parents talk about sending him off to join the priesthood when he was young). I'm not sure where escaping comes into play. Ryoshin is king, all he has to do is tell Ramone to knock it off or throw Ramone into a dungeon if Ramone will not stop his silly aggression. Is Ramone planning to kill the whole family line, to try to get the inheritance/kingdom?
Now ryoshin's Back is against the ropes,
Well as "against the ropes" as your life gets when you are the king. It is good to be the king. The nice thing about something like magical badges of office like "The Inheritance", is it is pretty easy to show everyone who is king.
his best friend's Life's are in ramones hands
Are they hostage? Taking the kings friends hostage can be a really dumb move. Ryoshin is the king after all.
he's being framed for murder,
He is untouchable as he is the king.
almost died and his sensei is restoring His memories!
We need more details on this. How did he almost die? OD in front of the Viper Room?
How is his sensei restoring his memories?
What he sees... And while their fights rage on neither Of them know there's more to the inheritance than meets the eyes..
Who is fighting? King Ryoshin would have the inheritance so who is he fighting? Presumably having the inheritance makes this a very unfair fight. Also if you are the king you have people to fight for you.
Also with "neither Of them know" you have a conflict with the already established "no one but the one who became king knew about it". I told you it is hard to keep super powers secret for very long. If you never tell your kids they will get super powers or that they should keep them secret .. the super powers are never secret, they are more "Hey everyone, watch this!"
So this could use some work.
Chapter 1:
The problem I see here is that while I'm guessing you want RYOSHIN to be a generic "rebel/maverick who plays by his own rules", you are going about it wrong.
With the original "take the pebble from my hand student" Kung Fu test this was just what a student had to pass to be able to head out into the world. This is not what it takes to beat the master.
Also keep in mind that standardly when you have a student picking on the master/sensei (calling them "geezer", "old man" or "pervert/old pervert" as some standard overly used names) the student never has a chance at beating the master. This shows that they are a rebel who doesn't just bow to authority. Fighting with the master also shows that they will keep trying, even when they know they should not be able to win, until one day "and now the student becomes the master!"
If they handily beat up the master and poke fun at him, they are just an A-Hole who likes to beat up and ridicule the elderly. Very few people want to make this character.
Again Ryoshin is the king so the sensei will have to take the punishment rather than just leave or kick the student out.
Then there is how the kid who spends a little time practicing some for of martial arts when not hover boarding around, hanging out with friends, doing homework, looking at girls, etc, beats up the old man who has dedicated a life to its study and perfection of said martial art. Maybe the kid is a kung fu genius?
Or if you are king, maybe you just order the old man to throw every fight... then you make fun of him.
You may also want to write this in a book format as that will lead to better explanation of a lot of the moves which mean something to you but not to anyone looking at this. Unless you intend them to be so generic that everyone will know what they are just from description. <Word for circling wind> Strike! as it is there appears to be a lot of stuff that is happening in your mind that is never reaching the readers.
Another thing that will help avoid that into mess in the future, is to reread your stuff many times after you write it. It would be nice if they told us that this is why we proof read in every English class where they wanted us to do multiple drafts of something (and none of us did)
After you have a polished story you can convert to screen play, semi-screen play, story board description, story board, etc
And just for my own giggle:
SKYLER-- Prince Rizel or should i say Prince Ryoshin!
SNOOP DOGG-- Prince Ryoshin.. or should I say Prince Rizel? Fo shizzle!
Chapter 2.
RYOSHIN-- (thinking "if I make it back to the house, I'll be
safe. the old man's there)
He just beat up the old man, how is that going to be safe? Is his sensei real good at dialing 911?
SKYLER--have you forgotten, I'm a demon! there's
nothing I cant do
As a writer make sure you have a real hard definition of what "nothing I cant do" means (does it mean that or is it just pointless bragging). Try to convey this to the readers otherwise they may ask themselves "Why doesn't the demon just make their target quit existing?"
RYOSHIN-- (can't move, blood stains the bandages across his lower face)
Cut himself shaving? had an accident making a pop tart? he is a cutter? where did the bandages come from?
They are on his face, people point that kind of stuff out and ask questions.
PRINCE RAMONE-- yes, come in! what is it this time? Those renegade rebels trying to revolt again?(sipping on some tea)
I'd rewrite this a bit to avoid confusing the "renegade rebels trying to revolt" with the "The obedient rebels who are trying to support us"
Basically this says "The rebel rebels are rebelling". While funny to read, it does merit a rewrite
I may read more later.