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Author Topic: "WHITE SOUL"  (Read 1451 times)

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Offline neka

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« on: November 28, 2014, 11:05:58 PM »
Hi everyone I'm new here and a writer, i'm also looking for an artist to work along with. I did say unpaid but if we make money from this which I intend it will definitely be shared. The story is situated in a advanced technological , no mecha's or robots. Its genres are gore, horror, ecchi, romance, medium language, slice of life and fantasy. I am welcoming changes and new ideas so feel free to suggest and criticism is welcomed too. Thank you
also i like writing in dialogue form as long as i know how the chapter will start and end.
(here's a synopsis of it)

In the year 2039 the bulwatian empire invaded section 90 world 3 and carved fear into human hearts. They are among 10 of the strongest empires that rule this side of the galaxy. However upon arriving on world 3 the empire started to fall, the king 'maxium' is slain and his second son ramone is mad with rage! His father, the king blew  up planet NIM their previous home along with maya--ramone's wife. Ramone's  brother jean the next successor did nothing to stop their father.
As ramone lost hope and was blinded by grief he didn't Notice the kings inheritance taking him over, after all no one but the one who became king knew about it. And now he finally had the power to stop his father! The power to be king! The power to make those dogs bow before him!
 So ramone killed his father and anyone who'd stand against him including his brother. Jean did manage to save two persons, his son(ryoshin) and younger sister(jade)
Those two managed to escape from the royal ship to world three's lands below But they are still being hunted by ramone. Now ryoshin's Back is against the ropes, his best friend's Life's are in ramones hands, he's being framed for murder, almost died and his sensei is restoring His memories! What he sees... And while their fights rage on neither Of them know there's more to the inheritance than meets the eyes..


[car's passing by on the road] [ryoshin walks around the dojo looking for master rin]
RYOSHIN--[stands staring at the master rin] old man..
MASTER RIN--[turns around] hmm.... [starts raging towards ryoshin while drawing his sword]
MASTER RIN-- you bastard! you're leaving for school!
RYOSHIN-- [eyes widen] ehh!! oi! oi!
MASTER RIN-- [flash walk and appears besides him] have you forgotten?
RYOSHIN-- [realises and side eyes him][one hand in his pocket as he jumps back and lands on one knee] practice!
                     [pushes his hover board aside, drops his bag]
RYOSHIN-- well well old man! do your worst. [smirks] That's if you catch me before I get you. In four minute.
MASTER RIN-- [old man smiles and strikes a defensive pose]
RYOSHIN-- [zooms around the room at hyper speed] looks like you're having trouble keeping track
MASTER RIN-- [stands up straight] you're quite talkative today aren't you.
RYOSHIN-- [glares at him] is that so. [jumps off the wall an dodges while mid air] SPEED PISTOL!! [or speed kicks]
MASTER RIN-- [blocks with his sword but gets pushed back] you've gotten stronger not bad but lets kick it up a  notch. [power surge] ho~!!
RYOSHIN-- you asked for it. [increases speed]
MASTER RIN-- [smirks, thinks "i can still see you"]
RYOSHIN-- now lets try that new move. WIND CYCLONE!
MASTER RIN-- [thinks "smart bastard. i can't see him now. so i guess the finishing blow is next. he's gonna come charging in as always"]
RYOSHIN-- [melee attacks him] NOW GO DOWN AND STAY DOWN!!!
MASTER RIN-- [crashes into the wall] [jumps up] you twat are you trying to break my neck!! i want a rematch!
RYOSHIN-- you old geezer! you wanted to go all out, so take defeat like a man!!
MASTER RIN-- you're right, i lost.
RYOSHIN-- well that was easy [sarcastically]
MASTER RIN-- [laughs] well then, you better get going or you'll be late. [dusting himself off]
RYOSHIN-- yeah! [runs grabs his bag and board]  see ya! oh tell lady jade i said bye.
MASTER RIN-- [smiles] your parents would be so proud of how much you've grown.

RYOSHIN-- [gliding along the side walk, thinking]
BLAZE-- hey~! ryoshin!
RYOSHIN-- um?. [looks over] hey blaze! come on lets go.
BLAZE-- wait up!
RYOSHIN-- [spins around the light pole]
BLAZE-- did you call aoi?
RYOSHIN-- sh*t i forgot! call aoi! [his Nero linker on his arm pulls up a screen and starts dialling]
RYOSHIN-- hey sleeping beauty we're passing by now. get out here already!
AOI-- [jumps out the door with his mom yelling behind him as he gobbles down some toast] we're late so let go hyper speed.
            [HYPER SPEED]
            [arrive at school just as announcements start]
BLAZE-- yes we made it! well see you guys at lunch [runs off]
RYOSHIN-- yeah!
AOI-- ok blaze!
  [takes off their shoes and puts on a disposable soft shoes]
   [lots of talking as they wall down the halls]
DAMANI-- aoi i brought the paint you asked for!
AOI-- yo damani! thanks!  hey ryoshin! see you at lunch ok.
RYOSHIN-- yeah..
[preview of classes, teachers and that stuff] [lunch announcements] [they head to the roof for lunch]

AOI- haaaa haaa
BLAZE-- now you're just lying!
AOI-- no im serious.
RYOSHIN-- [having flashbacks]
BLAZE-- ryoshin... ryoshin..
RYOSHIN-- [startled, falls off the bench an hits hi head] ow ow oww. what we're you doing so close up?! [blushing]
BLAZE--ohh. you weren't listening to us. so what were you thinking about?
RYOSHIN-- [frantic] oh no.. no.. it was the clouds! yeah.
   [aoi and blaze looks up]
AOI AND BLAZE--  the clouds?!
TOGETHER-- [laugh]
BLAZE-- you're weird as ever you know!
   [back to classes again]

AOI-- [schools over and their changing shoes] hey are you ready?
RYOSHIN-- um.. I'm heading to the park. so you guys go home without me.
AOI-- oook! come on blaze lets go.
BLAZE-- [hugs ryoshin] have fun OK. [looks up and smiles at him]
RYOSHIN-- [shocked] ye.. yeah
BLAZE-- [runs off]
RYOSHIN-- [grabs his shirt] blaze.. she hugged me.. [blushes,smiles]. Damn! i have to beat 5:00 or the hover park  will close. [scratches his head hysterically]
    [drops his board,skates off] [goes up the levo transportation tubes for hover users,then down]
    [glides along the side walk to the park]
     [goes through a tactical obsticle course, then sits under a tree and opens up a box of juice he bought]
      [suddenly feels a hand on his shoulder]
RYOSHIN-- uh?! who.. [turning around]
SKYLER-- Prince Rizel or should i say Prince Ryoshin!
RYOSHIN-- [eyes widen looks up] YOU!! he sent you didn't he!
SKYLER-- we meet again! [grins, face hidden]

                                      END OF CHAPTER ONE

« Last Edit: November 29, 2014, 10:42:02 PM by neka »
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Offline neka

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« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2014, 01:55:40 AM »


RYOSHIN--(drops his juice)
                 (pushes the persons hands away, grabs his board and runs)

SKYLER-- heee heee heee leaving already!(goes into the tree's shadow and  then pops out of the light post shadow in-front of ryoshin)

RYOSHIN-- (stops, heavy breathing) I will not be killed..
                    (thinking "I need to get my bag! can't let them   
                     have any information on me".)
                     (zooms over and grabs his bag)

SKYLER-- hee hee hee. now lets see how fast you can run! MY PREY!

RYOSHIN-- (thinking "if I make it back to the house, I'll be
                      safe. the old man's there)
                    (speed runs but hears a voice in his head)

SKYLER--have you forgotten, i'm a demon! there's
                   nothing I cant do
                (unleashes her shadow carpet covering the entire park floor, killing other people in the park too and sends shadow arms behind ryoshin)(he dodges a few time's but still gets caught)

RYOSHIN--sh*t! not fast enough!

SKYLER-- (drags him back lightning fast and slams him to the ground)(people outside the park running, screaming)(grins)  Now then. Paralysis sounds good, so you don't go running again.

RYOSHIN-- (can't move, blood stains the bandages across his lower face)

SKYLER-- (about to stab him with the shadow snake wrapped around her arm)

RYOSHIN--(screaming on the inside "noo..stop!") (nooo.. no! no! no~!)


HENCHMAN-- (running down the halls to ramone's room,
                          heavy breathing) (kneels)
                     PRINCE RAMONE! I have a urgent report.

PRINCE RAMONE-- yes, come in! what is it this time? Those renegade rebels trying to revolt again?(sipping on some tea)

HENCHMAN-- sir! we found him!

PRINCE RAMONE--(eyes widen, spits out tea)
                                   what did you say?!

HENCHMAN--  we've found him! Prince ryoshin..
                          (deep breath, smiles).. our king!
                           we await your orders sir!

PRINCE RAMONE--(angry, slams his hand on the table) (whispers "That fool eragon! what was he doing?! he was suppose to kill him before Donovon found him!")

HENCHMAN-- sir?!

PRINCE RAMONE-- Yes! Yes!(teary eyes) I'm just so excited! my nephew is safe! prepare my ship we leave at once!

HENCHMAN-- YE..YES SIR! at once! should i inform the others?

                                   ah.. i want to met him first an talk
                                  with him a little before thy do.
                                   its been so long.
                        (looks up) he's the only family i have left..

HENCHMAN-- YES SIR! (runs off)

PRINCE RAMONE-- lets see if he's as stubborn as his father(walks out)


RYOSHIN--  NOO~! (dodges) like i'd let myself be done in by the likes of you!!

SKYLER-- (laughs) all you're good at is dodging and running!! Its fun watching your pitiful face. heee.( about to stab ryoshin again)

RYOSHIN-- (i can do this, come on focus damnit!)
                      (flash step) (heavy breathing, looks at
                      his hands)
                     I..I did it! like the old man taught me. Now i
                     gotta get outta here!
   (accelerates, grabs his bag and board while kneeling)

SKYLER--(pulls a sword from the shadow from her shadow) not so fast boy!

RYOSHIN-- (eyes widen)
  (Armoured royal guard appears in front of ryoshin
     And blocks the attack)

ARMOURED PERSONAL GUARD (Donovan)-- how dare
                 you vile Creature raise your hands against
                 the prince!
          (Angry and pushes her back)

SKYLER-- (thinking "another one showed up.
                   Who's he?)

DONOVON-- my lord please escape to a safe distance.
                         Prince ramone is on his way.
                        I can't let anything happen to you!

RYOSHIN-- (shocked) prin.. Ramone that bastard.
                      (Angry) thanks for helping me but I've gotta
                       Hell before i go back there!!

SKYLER--I see,.. (Thinking "Sheesh he caught up to me
                   too fast)
                    I'll retreat for now

RYOSHIN--(runs while holding his shoulders)

DONOVON-- bastard!!  Ah..my Lord please wait!
                        (Chases after him)(smiles thinking "he's
                        Sure gotten fast)

RYOSHIN-- (jumps over the hedge and into the forest)
                      (Still running he goes into the flower field
                       , places his hands on the shield and walked

DONOVON-- (touches the shield) i see, so its a barrier
                        Smart idea and its a strong one too.

RYOSHIN-- (looking back) he followed me all the way
                       here?!  He's different from Royal guard!
                     Oji-san! Oji-san! Oji-San! (Stepping back)

MASTER RIN-- (runs out) whats all the noise about?
      (Uses telepathy and calls out to the guard "donovon!")

LADY JADE-- (rushes out arguing) can't you men ever
                          get along without fight..! (Shocked by
                          who she sees)
                        (Talks to him using rin's telepathy "what are
                         You doing here?)

DONOVON-- (realises its lady jade through her eyes)
                        ("Lady jade?!", but i thought you were dead!)
LADY JADE--(draws her sword along with RIN,)
                         (Telepathy "I'm sorry donovon but we can't
                          Let him have ryoyshin! The inheritance his
                          Father didn't want is what killed him and
                          His family!)

DONOVON-- ("the inheritance?!". Just what the hell is
                         Going on?)

LADY JADE--("leave now! Ramone is on his way! And if
                        you say a word to anyone!")

DONOVON-- ("i wont my lady. Please take care of the
                        Prince") (jumps back)
                       (we will need him in The future")

LADY JADE-- he's getting away! (She and master rin
                          attacks him but not to kill)

MASTER RIN-- to be safe we'll have to relocate. (Stare
                            At each other)

RYoSHIN-- (collapses crying out in pain)

JADE &RIN-- ryoshin! (Jumps back to him)

MASTER RIN-- calm down and tell us whats wrong!

RYOSHIN-- my.. Ar..arm! (Faints)

LADY JADE-- your arm! (rips his shirt)(gasp) damn. Eragon! Its his magic. Get him inside now!


Chapter 3. Memories of the past. Silent anger.
« Last Edit: December 02, 2014, 02:11:12 AM by neka »
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Offline neka

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Re: "WHITE SOUL" chapter 3
« Reply #2 on: December 13, 2014, 06:51:18 PM »
CHAPTER 3. Memories of the past. Silent anger.

(ramone sits in his car looking outside as he remembers his past) (flashbacks)

 (children running around playing)
PRINCE JEAN-- Ramone! its so good to see you. how are you?

PRINCE RAMONE-- its good to see you too Jean. I've never been better! (laugh)

SNOW AND RYOSHIN-- uncle! uncle!

PRINCE RAMONE-- ohh! (smile) well look who it is! two of my favourite people. (hugs)

SNOW AND RYOSHIN-- (hee, hee) pay a game with us!

RAMONE-- not now but later i will. OK! 


JEAN-- now go and play you two.

SNOW AND RYOSHIN--(run to their mother whose holding a baby) mom! lets go play in the garden.

TAVIA-- alright alright. snow, ryoshin say goodbye to uncle ramone.

SNOW AND RYOSHIN-- bye uncle ramone! bye uncle ramone!


JEAN-- ah! come in remi~! (smiles)

RAMONE-- (sigh) onii san you know i don't like that name.

JEAN-- (laughs) its still suits you. now lets get down to business.

RAMONE-- right. the proposal by the rebels do you still intend to go forth with it?

JEAN-- of course! As the commander of the royal army and a prince i have no choice. After all father gave me orders to clear things up immediately. i just chose my way.
 (sigh as he leans back in the chair) some times i think he ask too much.

RAMONE-- (laughs) not at all nii-san. He just wants you to be able to manage the kingdom as the best king when you take the throne. 

JEAN-- (smiles) wise as always. thank you brother.

RAMONE-- but still are you sure this is the only way?

RAMONE-- what if its a trap?

JEAN-- then i risk it. its about time we ended these wars. a peace treaty is only fair, since both their's and our ancestors did injustice to each other.

RAMONE-- hmm..? you're worried about injustice. this is new..

JEAN-- think about it remi. a rebellion has already started and our army is holding its own. Despite our stern ruling each day more and more namatians are joining the JAB WARRIORS rebel force. its only a matter of time before (hand on face) we kill off this damn race.

RAMONE-- .........

JEAN-- and just like 10 years ago history will repeat itself and this planet will die too, also we'll be moving again. father will grow tired of this land (hands on face still ad peeps at remi) you don't want to leave maya now do you.
understand this remi. when people have something they want to protect they fight knowing they can't win, even to the point of death. 
RAMONE-- you've got a strong point there.. In all ways its left up to us to oversee that things run smoothly here. (both sip tea) 

JEAN-- indeed!

RAMONE-- alright then i'll have the  secretary write up the agreement and set a meeting for you with the counsel so it can be made clear. then we'll decide how to arrange the meeting with the head of the JAB WARRIORS. SIR!

JEAN-- thats great remi. i knew i could count on you. and come on, whats with the formalities.


(office phone rings)

JEAN-- oh, excuse me for a minute remi.

RAMONE-- sure

JEAN-- (hits the answer button) yess~ my sweetheart~!

SNOW AND RYOSHIN-- UNCLE RAMONE~~!(sniffle) when are you gonna play with us!? (cry)
     you prom~wiced!
  (jean and romone's ears ringing from the screaming) EH!?!

JEAN-- (embarrassed but smiling) children, children please calm down.

SNOW & RYOSHIN-- father, please put our uncle on!

JEAN--(feels rejected and downs his head while handing over the phone) Its for you.

RAMONE-- (takes the phone) now now, have i ever broken a promise?

SNOW & RYOSHIN--(sniffle) well noo..... so you'll come then! (wipes eyes) alright! we're heading back to the garden 
and bye dad. (hangs up)

RAMONE-- (smiles) guess our talk is over. duty calls! (hangs up)

JEAN-- (LAUGHS) theirs no helping it when its those two. you better hurry before you get scolded for being late.

RAMONE-- EE!! you're right. bye nii san (runs off)

JEAN-- thanks ramone~! (laughs)

RAMONE-- (rubs the spot where his eye is missing) (arrives at the park) (sigh and thinks 'was one weasel that hard to catch, you sure made a mess eragon')
     ('their just commoners anyway' *smirks*)
    seal off the area and start a clean up. are their any witnesses? 
SOLIDER 1-- yes sir a few

RAMONE-- kill them!

SOLIDER 1-- sir are you sure?

RAMONE-- (vicious glare) EHH. Has it ever mattered to us if one f**king worm die!

SOLIDER 1-- but sir.. its not necessary.


SOLIDER 1-- (looks at the others) EH? (looks back at prince ramone)

RAMONE-- (walks over to him angrily) so you're a newbie uh! guess they haven't told you then.

SOLIDER 1-- (scared) sir i meant no....

RAMONE-- shoot yourself!( turns sideways of him)

SOLIDER 1-- (his hand grabs his gun and places it on his forehead) wha..whats going on? (thinks ''i cant control my body'')

RAMONE-- (looks over at him)

SOLIDER 1-- please... noo! (shoots himself)

RAMONE-- BANG! (laughs)

OTHER SOLDIERS-- fool i told him to keep quiet.

RAMONE--(smirks) take his body back to the lab. we might still be able to use him. (grins) and you've finally arrived eh.

DONOVON--(slowly drops from the sky and kneels) sorry to keep you waiting. my lord.

RAMONE-- the results of your mission?! (grinds his teeth) lets talk inside. come along!


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Offline neka

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« Reply #3 on: January 23, 2015, 11:46:32 AM »


LADY JADE-- (tears falling) damn you ramone! damn you! (gets angry as she walks out of ryoshin's room and pulls off her necklace) (she starts transforming back to her real self)

MASTER RIN-- (rushes out of the room and grabs her arm) (pulls off his necklace and starts transforming to his real self) J stop! this is not the time to go on a rampage!
(points to ryoshin's room) he needs us right now God dammit!

LADY JADE-- (relaxes a bit)

MASTER RIN-- (pulls her back to him and pushes her against the wall in the hall)
 What the hell Were you planning!? Do you honestly expect to waltz in there and have that piece of sh*t hand you the antidote? like hell he would!

LADY JADE-- (looks sideways)

MASTER RIN-- (sigh and puts his hand on her shoulder and turns her face to him with the other hand) (puts his forehead against her's)
     Look.... you've gotta think of ryoshin no matter what. I know you'd tear his sh*tty ship apart but then you'd be in an all out battle with him. Do you think you'd get the antidote in time? Do you think he'd give you even if his life was on the line? (looks up)

LADY JADE-- ...........

MASTER RIN-- This is ramone we're talking about, he'd rather gut the poor kid like a fish than give him the throne.
 (looks over at ryoshin's room) Lets call Dylan. He's the best chance we've got.

LADY JADE-- Is that a fact?.. (thinking "I've failed them again")

MASTER RIN-- His heartbeat's faint but with the stabilizer he'll be fine for now. Lets just wait until Dylan gets here.

LADY JADE-- (smiles) Humans really are a peculiar race. (looks up) sorry rin but i cant run away..... not this time.
        If we keep running I'll lose him too. So no i cant stay but I'll call Dylan and ensure he does a good job. If he doesn't come in time, I'll come with the antidote. I promise (pushes his hands off her shoulder and walks to the door)


LADY JADE--- I'm sorry... (uses air lock slowly reducing his oxygen so he'll fall unconscious) (walks over to him and puts his necklace back on) (walks outside)
    RELEASE!..(releases her seal and a pattern forms on her forehead as her clothing changes to black and white.)
    Its been a while since I've worn you..."Battle Maxia"! Lets slaughter em'. (takes off to the sky laughing insanely)
     (starts heading south but halts suddenly)
  Idiot! you don't have time to be flying around and searching. hmm.. he's not even within my range. (looks around)
computer call rebel! (computer lens comes up and starts dialling)

REBEL LUX-- YOO GRANNY! what's up? (sounding all cheery)

LADY JADE-- ehh! What did you just say? (killing intent)

REBEL LUX-- (slowly opens her eyes and gasp) (thinking "battle outfit, no disguise, killing intent!"
          J..J..Jade sama! Rose reporting for duty!

LADY JADE-- oh right! I need you to locate ramones ship.

REBEL LUX-- (phew) ( if i hadn't said that she'd come kill me first! haaa damn monster) Wait! ehh! you're not going to fight ramone are you?! That's crazy. You guys will destroy the city.

LADY JADE-- RYOSHIN'S DYING!! They poisoned him.

REBEL LUX-- No..way! (lights a cigarette) (pulls her ring off and transforms back to her old self) Roger boss! I'm sending the coordinates to your you now and I'll get the squad ready.

LADY JADE-- roger that vice commander (smiles)


MASTER RIN-- (gasping for air) (ryoshin's lying with his oxygen mask on vital signs normal) (rin jumps up)
       J! J! (runs to the front door) JADE!  (see's and picks up a piece of the broken floorboards from the spot she took off from and throws it down in frustration) dammit jade!
(hears foot steps in the house)

CROMAC XANDER-- So he's really that precious, is he? (looking at ryoshin)

MASTER RIN-- someone's inside the house? Ryoshin! (runs to ryoshin's room) How the hell did you get in here? (grabs his sword and charges)

CROMAC-- Fool I'm not your enemy..
      (still looking at ryoshin and extends his arm behind him) ( unleashes his attack) "SCARICO VITIA"
      (a light glows from his hand causing rin to age rapidly)

MASTER RIN-- (his arms start to crumble away like dust) ( "what is this?!") Who are you? what are you?

CROMAC-- If you move any closer, (looks back at rin) you'll die.

MASTER RIN-- (frozen in fear)

CROMAC-- Now for you. (looks at ryoshin)

MASTER RIN-- Noo! Ramone sent you didn't he!
CROMAC-- And why would i ever work for that monster? (releases his spell on ryoshin) "VITA SPIKE"
     There he's healed. So i guess we're even now. (turns to head out)

MASTER RIN-- ( "Healed! did he just say that")

CROMAC-- (Uses another magic on rin) "MORTE INVERSA". tell her we're even now, she'll know who i am.
            give him about 5 minutes and he'll be new as ever.

MASTER RIN-- (turns around and heads towards him) wait! are you (wind blowing)?

CROMAC-- (laughs) oh, I thought she was too high and mighty to spread a peasant's name. oh well, I guess people change uh. (walks away)

MASTER RIN-- Things turned out great!

RYOSHIN-- rin san... jade san..

MASTER RIN-- Ryoshin! how are you? Any pain?(inspects him)


MASTER RIN-- (PHEW) super!

RYOSHIN-- my arm doesn't hurt any more. wow! what did you guys do!

MASTER RIN-- a good old friend I'd say. (smiles)

RYOSHIN-- what are you talking about?

MASTER RIN-- (Realises) ah! I need to call J!

RYOSHIN--  hmm..

MASTER RIN-- call Jade! (dialling tone)

LADY JADE-- what is it rin? Is something wrong with ryoshin?!

MASTER RIN-- no he's fine! (tells her what happened)

LADY JADE-- that piece of sh*t said that uh. umm... hold on a sec..
         AIR SLICER!

MASTER RIN-- (hears a loud crashing sound from the phone) what was that?

RYOSHIN-- Is she OK? (looking at the screen but he sees black smoke and a woman he doesn't know)

LADY JADE-- I'm fine. I just found ramones ship. Talk when i get back (hangs up)

RYOSHIN-- ra..ramone!? what's that about? and whose that woman! (looks up and see's black smoke..
           Rin.. Rin..

MASTER RIN-- (looks at ryoshin)

RYOSHIN-- what the hells going on? (hears the t.v in the back ground)( runs to the living room)( reporter's show the prince's ship knocked out the sky and the woman who did it)

REPORTER ON TV-- (says something about a revolution army and more)

RYOSHIN-- Isn't she the same woman you were talking to? RIN SEMPAI! Isn't that lady jade's sword? what do they mean a revolutionist?

MASTER RIN-- (looks at him)....

RYOSHIN-- Wasn't lady jade somewhere there! what if she's hurt? (turns around)

MASTER RIN-- (puts his hands on ryoshin's shoulder) Its time you remembered everything!


LADY JADE-- (looking down at ramones ship through the smoke)

RAMONE-- BAMM!!(door kicked open) (black rotating sphere comes out and dispels) Now how shall I kill you, beloved sister of mine!!

LADY JADE-- i should be the one asking you that brother! tsk damn dog!

RAMONE-- now now is that any way to great your elder brother? calm down, you almost killed my guest. you don't want me hating you any more.  (snow, blaze and aoi are brought out by his subordinates)

SUBORDINATES-- My Lord! Prince! are you alright? what happened?

LADY JADE-- BLAZE!? AOI!? (gasp) NO.. SNO..(tears) SNOW!  (charges) RAMONE!!!!

RAMONE-- (unleashes his attack on aoi, blaze and snow) SHADOW BINDING! Humans are so fragile aren't they? (killing intent)
  (skyler pops out of snows shadow and puts a blade to her neck and licks her face, eragon then pops out of aoi's shadow )

LADY JADE-- ("Not Good!!")

                     END OF CHAPTER 4

« Last Edit: January 23, 2015, 11:55:30 AM by neka »
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Offline neka

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(Donovon is tossed halfway across the room of ramones ship)

RAMONE-- I'll ask you one more time. what the hell happened with you and ryoshin?! I found his blood in the park and you didn't bring him back either! you failed me donovon.

DONOVON-- sir im sorry but (wipes his bloody nose) I encountered a old woman and a man. They were too strong.

RAMONE-- (turns to look at him) stronger than you, how's that possible. (walks over to him) No mere human possesses the strength to even rival our elite soldiers, more so our civilians!

DONOVON-- thats because.......

RAMONE-- I see. Their not humans. Are they our kind or another species?

DONOVON-- (looks at ramone) (i cant tell him I saw lady jade, looks like i've gotta lie my way out. But one wrong word and i'll die if he suspects me)

RAMONE-- Let me remind you that our kingdom is at stake. Your life is at stake donovon..

DONOVON-- My lord I devoted my life to serving this empire. I couldn't dare lie to you. however, they are our kind and not our average civilians. I'd say their at elite ranking.

RAMONE-- elite you say? They sound quite interesting.

DONOVON-- They were going toe to toe with me. even i could tell they were holding back and i was too.

RAMONE-- (laughs) ryoshins friends seem quite lively.

DONOVON--But......He seemed scared at the mentioning of your name and They ran to his defense.

RAMONE-- scared! of me? something is definitely wrong. (paces back and forth, hands on his chin and hips) (thinks "I wonder if they know anything? and how much.. their our species too. the only ones that know what happened 8 years ago and live was my sister and her squad.. hmmm there were a few survivors of the oradea clan too) ( I've got to see whats in his head)

DONOVON-- My lord......

RAMONE-- you can't give me a clear answer as to where my nephew is. And to think you're a royal guard, the only one for that fact. you're above all but the royal squad, the king's shield couldn't fulfill such a easy task.

DONOVON-- I'm sorry sir.

RAMONE-- No need. I can still have sasha extract your memories for me. I'll find these fools, they probably shifted his memories around and added their own to make him think of us as enemies. I wonder if their part of the human rebellion group?

DONOVON-- (THINKING " DAMN! If he reads my memories he'll find him, he'll find lady jade and she'll kill me".) (looks down to the ground) ( thinking "should I fight him?") (smirks, "I doubt I could even make it out the room.)

RAMONE-- ( Looks over at donovon) You wouldn't lie to me now would you?

DONOVON-- N-no sir, of course not!

RAMONE--Good! (smiling) because i'd kill you if you did!

DONOVON-- (shivers)......

RAMONE-- (door opens) Oh sasha you're here.

SASHA-- Did i make you wait my lord?

RAMONE-- No not at all. you're just in time. Now then donovon. please have a seat.

DONOVON-- ...(walks over, sits down)

SASHA-- Relax don, I'll make this quick.

DONOVON-- (deep breaths, heartbeat increases)

SASHA-- (she walks up to him and extends her arm) "MEMORIA SPHERE"......

GI_GI-- (door burst opens) sir! good news!

RAMONE-- (sasha flinches and stops) what!! you're interrupting me so be quick.

DONOVON-- (donovon breaths a sigh of relief. "Gi-Gi I love you!!.")

RAMONE-- (Gi-Gi walks in) Oh, you've finally come back. Let me guess. You saw another stuffed bear and went on a craze spree?(looks at the gift bag in her hand)

GI_GI-- (laughs embarrassingly) sorry sir... but the cuteness is hard to ignore. (takes out a bear from the bag and starts dancing around admiring it)

RAMONE-- Idiot tell me about your mission at least! (hand chops her in the head)

GI_GI-- (peeps at donovon) oh donovon, looks like you're in trouble.

RAMONE-- The mission!

GI_GI-- yes sir. I followed him successfully as much as i could without being noticed and found two of his friends.

RAMONE-- Two friends you say!

GI_GI-- yes sir.

RAMONE-- I wonder if their the same one you met donovon. Location GI-GI.

GI_GI-- There's no need sir. I brought them with me.

RAMONE-- really! (surprised)
GI_GI-- I thought you might wanna ask the some questions. seems ryoshin kept noticing me and running away so I told them the king wants to ask them a few questions about their friend ryoshin.

RAMONE-- And they came willingly?

GI_GI-- (laughs) you should have seen the look on their face when i told them "the king wants have a meeting with you two". ya monster!

RAMONE--(knocks her over)  Im no monster my father was. I merely a new line of justice. A brand new start for our world but first we must rid this world of all the unjust and those who don't think like us

GI_GI--(gets up)

RAMONE-- (walks out) lets go see his friends shall we.

GI_GI-- (runs ahead of ramone) this way sir. (door opens) your majesty! please meet blaze summer and aoi degoran.

RAMONE-- Pleasure to meet you children.

BLAZE & AOI-- (both bow) pleasure to meet you sir.

RAMONE-- will it be alright if i ask you a few questions?

AOI & BLAZE-- ( Look at each other) (thinks "Hes kinder than what people say) Yes sir. Please ask!.

RAMONE-- please tell me where ryoshin is. (teary face)

AOI & BLAZE-- Umm.. why? Is something wrong?

RAMONE-- Well you see, he's my nephew and he's run away for some reason. I need to find him before he gets hurt.

BLAZE-- nephew!

RAMONE-- Yes. he never told you i assume? my..my.. now tell me please!

AOI & BLAZE-- but thats weird ryoshin always said his family was killed when he was young. so he's alone. (steps backs from ramone)(blaze bows) Im sorry your majesty but we dont know. (blaze looks at aoi and whispers something)

RAMONE-- Neil!

NEIL-- (steps forward, looks into blaze's eyes, lifts her head by the chin) she's lying sir.

RAMONE-- I see.. (ramone knocks her up then across the room with his shadow, like a rag doll- breaking her arm while leaving her unconscious)

AOI-- ( yells then stands frozen in shock) BLAZE!!!! (stares at blaze as he cries helplessly)

RAMONE-- I suppose you dont know either.

AOI-- (stands firm) No I....I...

RAMONE-- ( sends him flying across the room with a punch to the stomach and into a sword rack)

AOI--( Thinking "sorry blaze but i cant run even if I wanted to because i love you" ) (he passes out)

NEIL-- Sir their humans, and important. please be gentle. 

RAMONE-- (small blade falls from the rack but ramone counters it with his shadow saving aoi a arm).... Like i care! (walks over to them) such fragile things, thats the same reason their beneath us. (turns to head out) lock them up in sector D and start questioning them.. the other way.

                  (ONE DAY LATER)

RAMONE-- Nothing as yet?

NEIL & SASHA-- They have no memories of him that lead to a location out of school. He picked random places to ditch them and they didn't even notice. who ever donovon fought must have been careful in covering his tracks.

RAMONE-- Im loosing patience. I'll have you check donovon's memories. also the human face he has assumed is known by the people, they still want answers for the murders in the park. (laughs insainly) yes perfect! pin the deaths on him, his pathetic face is depressing enough so lets say he snapped.

NEIL-- why that?

RAMONE-- humans gobble at anything that sounds believable enough. Im not finished. We'll bait him out, he always had a soft spot for those inferior you know. Use the humans to find him. If they don't we'll bomb random areas. I want his photo issued as a terrorist to the empire and its people. these two will be announced as his accomplices awaiting death. give all the info needed.

NEIL-- I see.. right away sir. (walks out)

RAMONE-- Let the games begin! (laughs)




PS*  I've been so busy preparing for university i havent been able to write much. I havent finished writing chapter 7 yet.
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Offline neka

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« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2015, 12:53:39 AM »
                           ** characters of the story**
1. lady jade aka jade/J-- princess and leader of the royal squad. pure wind manipulator (bulwatian)
2. eragon-- a demon working with prince ramone. or is he?. darkness manipulator.
3. Dylan Grey-- member of the royal squad and a master healer. (bulwatian)
4. rebel lux-- member of the royal squad and second in command with supernatural intelligence. (bulwatian)
5. diamon sterlling-- member of the royal squad and a skilled swordsman with superhuman combat skills. (bulwatian)
6. storm eagle-- member of the royal squad and a sniper with enhanced marksmanship. (bulwatian)
7. slade finn-- member of the royal squad and is a density shifter and invisible man. (bulwatian)
8. ramone-- prince and the temporary ruler of the bulwatian empire. he can manipulate shadows and has clairvoyance. (bulwatian)
9.akeldama-- king of planet nim.

1. also storm eagle guards rebel lux from a safe distance, rebel cant really fight and gather info. 2. diamon and slade usually work together. 3. rebel usually hacks the system for info, so shes watching this fight on the camera's around the area. 4. the squad communicates through air lines connected to jade as ear pieces would get destroyed in fights.

ok that should help you understand the story better! (^_^)

(chapter continues from chapter 4)


(eragon stands talking to a mysterious figure sitting on a throne)

AKELDAMA-- How are plans going in the human world?

ERAGON-- very well sir! we're in the final stages. Finally, after almost 30 years we will be able to get revenge. To think that our ancestors even formed an alliance with those savages in the dark ages.

AKELDAMA-- You know our history well and the ten brothers who divided this side of the galaxy. (clench's his fists as he stands).....I've never gotten wound's so deep i couldn't fight back immediately. (takes off his cloak revealing his back) (A gaping hole in his chest and fused darkness replaces his missing organs, as well as hold him together).
My home. My people, My family crushed. To think that fool would challenge me, his brother, I'll take his empire and rule it. (grins)

ERAGON-- (eragon becomes enraged at the sight of his master) DAMN Bulwatians. Patience my lord. All in time.

AKELDAMA-- (laughs) (picks up a picture of a girl) Maya.. your death will not be in vain..


JADE-- Is everyone ready?

REBEL LUX-- Yes madam!

DYLAN GRAY-- yeah!


STORM EAGLE-- Lock and loaded. (checks her gun) (CRANK)


JADE-- Its a hostage situation. If their injured its fine but we don't want them dead. EXTREME STEALTH MODE!
He likely remembers some of our moves but we know all of his.


JADE-- His defense is powerful but his attacks are weak, drive him back and keep an eye out for the shadows. most of all don't die. Now move out!

SLADE FINN-- (he fades out - INVISIBLE)

RAMONE-- Are you planning to attack with these humans in the area? heartless as ever when your angry jade.
soldiers escort my three guest safely back to the palace. If they try to stop you kill the humans.


REBEL-- jade sama! we've got to stop them.

JADE-- NO!! keep focused on this mission. Now's not the time to let your feelings get in the way. I saw snow die, she's  DEAD! and we can always revive the humans. He won't kill those two kids.

REBEL-- understood.

SLADE-- (suddenly starts hurling cars at ramone to distract him)

DIAMON-- (attacks through the smoke of the exploding cars)

RAMONE-- (dodges and puts up a shield) Did you think i hadn't seen this far ahead!!! haaaaa! (as he sends diamon flying back) (sends shadow chains after diamon, they change into swords and starts raining down slashes on him)

DYLAN-- (starts running over to diamon) hang in there diamon, I'm coming.

RAMONE-- (Makes darkness stairs to head to jade who's floating in the air) JADE!!!!  What a pathetic squad you have! No wonder you couldn't save father,jean, setoph and the whole lot of them. how are you going to protect ryoshin now!!

JADE-- ( clenches her teeth together) I'll show you how!!  ( makes a air sword and charges ramone)

RAMONE-- HAAA!! (closes his eyes) I saw it all. ( dodges jade and cuts her on the side)

JADE-- (stands behind ramone kneeling as she's injured)

RAMONE-- You're mine!! ( he turns around and slashes)

REBEL-- He fell for it. (smiles) Now slade!

RAMONE--(the person he slashes fades) A Mirage!  (turns around as he realizes)  when did you?

JADE-- Oh you figured it out. you're too obvious. I knew you'd come after me the second you could. The moment you made those stairs to me you walked into my trap. its air tight so you cant break it and sound proof. you didn't see this far ahead did you?

RAMONE-- (chuckles) You trapped me!? more like you just dug your own grave. (makes shadow spikes to hurl at jade)

JADE-- (extends her arm )  "AIR LOCK"! ... (pulls her other arm up as she drags the air like a carpet changing his spike direction)

RAMONE-- (colapses from oxygen loss) "TSK".

JADE-- heads up.

RAMONE-- (sees a boulder being hurled at him) I thought you said this box is unbreakable..

JADE-- (smiles) Not if the attack is coated in the same air!

RAMONE-- (the impact sends him flying into two buildings) 

JADE-- playtime's over. Lets end it.

RAMONE-- (uses his shadows to pick himself up. Looks at his hand thats broken) ( instant replay in his head as to how he just survived more damage. stands there) (Uses the shadows to twist his arm back in place and eragon heals it with darkness)
   so this is pain.. what an extraordinary feeling!! (lifts his hands towards jade) "ROCKET LAUNCHER"   (the rocket breaks into fragments and single's out everyone then boom)
  No letting up uh! Thats how i like it!

DYLAN-- (heals everyone's minor wounds) alright  (diamon and slade attack ramone)

DIAMOM-- (takes a deep breath and uses speed plus heavy shock)

SLADE-- (uses low gravity to push him off balance)

RAMONE-- (uses shadow blades on diamon but he pushes off his attack.) (uses darkness blanket to wrap himself as diamon breaks through and attacks him again) (shocked as hes pushed back and also the heaviness of diamons sword)

REBEL--  (she sits behind her computer clicking away and realizes ramone's tiredness. she also notices he isn't blocking as before) hmmm... (mean while lady jade has already sealed them off within a two mile radius)
 Guys go at him with out letting up.

DYLAN-- all of us?

REBEL-- Yeah. If im right about this we may just have him pinned down already.

JADE-- (Looks at him thinking "I'm not sure if hes using clairvoyance and fooling us or he can't use it right now") "AIR ARROWS"      ( she rains down hundreds of arrows on him)

RAMONE-- (dodges but almost falls into a sink hole created by slade) (diamon is rushing towards him as steam escapes his body)

DIAMON-- (enters beast mode)

JADE-- ( Creates air platforms for dylan. He runs up them and jumps down as he unleashes his aging technique)

RAMONE-- (He uses his emergency armor of darkness for diamon, and imprisonment for dylan) (diamon pushes him off)

REBEL-- Storm take the shot.

STORM-- Finally....       (Fires her poison bullets)

RAMONE-- Argh!!  (bullet passes through his hand as he reacts too late) (He clenches his teeth as he feels the pressure)

JADE-- Rebel did you find out what you needed?

REBEL-- yeah. It seems he can't use clairvoyance and the shadow together.

JADE-- really now!

ERAGON-- (pops out of ramones shadow) sir. Let me help you fight. You're becoming careless even they can see it. You're relying on clairvoyance too much. You'd probably been beheaded by now if i hadn't used my darkness at those times.

RAMONE-- silence you fool! I don't need you're help! I'll kill her with my own two hands. Go back to sleep all i need is your power!

ERAGON-- (clenches his fists) As you wish master....

RAMONE-- (feels an intence pressure and looks up)

JADE-- (walks up to her squad and tells them to leave the fight.) "Leave this fight up to me" Ramone I'll show you exactly why you never met mine or jean's standards. I'll show you just how useless you were to father!
( shrinks the air barrier around them then pushes her squad out)

SQUAD-- Lady jade!! Why would you?!

JADE-- You guys back down! (wraps herself in an air armor and unleashes her power to level two) HES MY BROTHER AND THIS IS A DRA'AZON PROBLEM. You've always wanted a one on one, right ramone!

               END OF CHAPTER 6!!


« Last Edit: March 29, 2015, 01:00:35 AM by neka »
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Offline neka

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« Reply #6 on: April 13, 2015, 12:20:11 AM »
[font=times new roman](Jade and Ramone’s aura begin to flow out in larger quantities as they walk to each other)
RAMONE—do you think you can defeat me alone? (Looking down angry) Don’t underestimate me. How dare you look down on me? (Looks up)

JADE—(Walks towards Ramone with her head down) WHY! (Aura spikes)

RAMONE—(spikes his aura and approaches her) what’s that! Thinking about backing out now. Not A chance, I’ll chase you to the ends of the world.

JADE—(starts laughing and whispers) me, run! (Tears stream down her face) How could I when your soul is crying out. Give him back, Give him back! I’ve endured long enough. (Starts running as she draws her sword)

RAMONE—(laughs as his eye color changes) not a chance. After I’m done with him I’ll hand over the pieces. (Draws his sword running) checkmate!

JADE—(clenches her teeth) I’ll kill you this time for sure. My father was right to kill your kind!

RAMONE—TSK! You talk too much. (Increases his speed and uses another sword)

JADE—(increases her speed and uses air wall to block) (this creates a mega explosion)
               (Thinks “Brother! Brother! Sorry… I took so long.”)


RAMONE—(Ramone walks into the throne room staggering) father... father…

KING MAXIMUS—(feels uneasy by Ramones odd presence) Ramone… What is it? Still not feeling well today?

RAMONE—(Ramone looks at his father with teary eyes) RUN! Please… RUN! I can’t... I can’t stop him! (Lifts his blood stain hands)

MAXIMUS—Blood!? What have you done?! Whose blood is that? Who’s this him?
 (Notices Ramones eyes changed) (He decides to jump back and places a gravity circle around Ramone crushing him against the ground) (However he’s left himself open) “
                    “HEAVY HAMMER”

RAMONE—(his shadow had already went behind the king and pierced him.)

MAXIMUS—WH…What but how? (Looks at his chest to see black spikes through it) Who are you? (His attack fades away and he then realizes) akel..? (Falls to his knees)

RAMONE—(eragon pulls the spikes out as he returns to Ramone’s shadow)
                      Compliments of lord akeldama. You finding out our plan and trying to destroy us was a miscalculation on our part but we plan on winning. He will be god of the spiral even if he has to kill all 9 of you.
(Voice changes as akel speaks through Ramone)

MAXIMUS—(looks up at him in rage) you’re insane! What ever happened to the standard battles we had? Winner takes all on fair grounds.

AKELDAMA\RAMONE—(laughs) we were children, those days have passed. Its kill or be killed. To be or not to be.   (Tear runs down the right side of his face)

MAXIMUS—akel. No Ramone... give him back now!

AKELDAMA\RAMONE—(kicks Maximus) well what do you know. The fools actually trying to fight back. His will is strong but in time I’ll break him. (Laughs) I kept him half-conscious so he could watch as he murdered his father. So long big brother Maximus. (Gives Ramone control of his body back as he watches from his shadows)

RAMONE—(Ramone falls to the ground and his vision is a little blurred)

MAXIMUS—(coughs up blood) I guess this is my destiny for all the wrong I’ve done.

RAMONE—(Ramone sits before his father watching in horror as his father bleeds away smiling)                Fa…father!!
(Runs over to him and pulls him to lie on his back as he kneels besides him)

MAXIMUS—(squinters in pain)

RAMONE—I’m sorry! I’m sorry! The healers! I’ll call them right away, hold on.

MAXIMUS—(grabs his arm) it’s no use. I’ve lost too much blood and the spikes deposited dark fragments in me, there eating away at my organs. They just won’t make it in time. (Coughs up more blood)

RAMONE—it was because we didn’t want to participate in the games. So you moved here for us but I let my emotions get in the way and now he’s using me for revenge. ~silence~
He even had me kill… Majid.

MAXIMUS—Majid! When jade finds out…(tears as he grabs Ramones shoulder tightly)
Ramone… tell your brother Revenge comes in many ways. Once you can outsmart the enemy your victory is sure. “miway eingbay atchedway. Arknessday siway roundaway suway. Ebay autiouscay”. (His hands then falls from Ramones shoulder)

He said those final words with his dying breath. A message only Ramones older brother could understand, and with that hell broke loose in the bulwatian empire.

(The battle between jade and Ramone continues as their feelings pour out)

Akeldama, was one of Ramones uncle and king Maximus’s brother. Akel was known as the most traitorous of the 10 siblings. He was greedy to the point of challenging his mother for her title—GOD OF THE SPIRAL!
After their transitions and power development phase they each left home to build an empire and in 50 years challenged each other to see who would become their mothers successor.


Akeldama decided to defeat his older brother early, before their agreed dual time. For three reasons:
ONE: -- Maximus was one of the strongest in terms of combat strength and through the years he produced some unique offspring’s he called family. Akel planned to overthrow max and take the kingdom for himself.

TWO:--being the strongest, max couldn’t care about anyone else. But it seems he started to soften to the family he now had now placing him at a disadvantage if they were to be taken.

THREE:--he uncovered akel’s mass slavery planet containing nobles too and his plans to send spies into the other kingdoms before time, akel was a threat to this kingdom. As much as max was a warrior he had principles so he released hi wrath on planet NIM and only a few survived but they stuck to the kings plan which had long begun only revenge was added.
(Master rin hands ryoshin a cup of tea)

Rin— shall I continue until you’ve understood everything? I’m sure you have lots of questions, tho jade would be better suited, I’ll try my best.

RYOSHIN—so this entire world is wrapped in an illusion? (Sitting, thinking) its just hard to believe that everything I knew had been a lie. (Flops back on the floor, rolling side to side)
My head hurts just trying to think! Nyaaaaaa (sits up and sighs)
That doesn’t sound like everything that has happened to Ramone. There’s more right?

RIN—that’s true. They found a way to control him completely. You could say he’s missing memories and fakes were added.

RYOSHIN—I see… that would make sense with his behavior.

RIN—jade is the only one who can rid him of his darkness without killing him.

RYOSHIN—hmmmm... What about….. My parents? Snow? Netta? They were murdered too.

RIN—the encounter was gruesome... Do you want to continue?


RIN—alright hen!


RAMONE—(launches his attack at jade)

JADE—(she dodges) (thinking “Ramone... Ramone... I know you’re still in there... Please”) she never loved you! She was using you! Wake up Ramone!

RAMONE—you’re too late! He’s drowning in despair! You can’t pull him back now, his eyes are swallowed up by darkness. Your light is too dim!

JADE—(she keeps walking towards him) Maya was a fake! She lied! She used you! (Flash step) (Cry’s as she slaps him desperately) RAMONE!!

              END OF CHAPTER 7.

« Last Edit: April 13, 2015, 12:26:16 AM by neka »
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Offline Crackhead Johny

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« Reply #7 on: April 17, 2015, 04:20:30 PM »
In the year 2039 the bulwatian empire invaded section 90 world 3 and carved fear into human hearts. They are among 10 of the strongest empires that rule this side of the galaxy. However upon arriving on world 3 the empire started to fall, the king 'maxium' is slain and his second son ramone is mad with rage! His father, the king blew  up planet NIM their previous home along with maya--ramone's wife. Ramone's  brother jean the next successor did nothing to stop their father.
As ramone lost hope and was blinded by grief he didn't Notice the kings inheritance taking him over, after all no one but the one who became king knew about it. And now he finally had the power to stop his father! The power to be king! The power to make those dogs bow before him!
 So ramone killed his father and anyone who'd stand against him including his brother. Jean did manage to save two persons, his son(ryoshin) and younger sister(jade)
Those two managed to escape from the royal ship to world three's lands below But they are still being hunted by ramone. Now ryoshin's Back is against the ropes, his best friend's Life's are in Ramones hands, he's being framed for murder, almost died and his sensei is restoring His memories! What he sees... And while their fights rage on neither Of them know there's more to the inheritance than meets the eyes..
Don't take this the wrong way but this is a hot mess.

Reading this
However upon arriving on world 3 the empire started to fall, the king 'maxium' is slain and his second son ramone is mad with rage!
King Maxim gets murdered and his second son Ramone is mad about it. Is the rest of his family not bothered?
His father, the king blew  up planet NIM their previous home along with maya--ramone's wife.
The King apparently blew up the family's old home planet NIM, along with Ramone's wife. Did Ramone hate his wife or should he be glad someone killed the person who blew up his family home and killed his wife?
Ramone's  brother jean the next successor did nothing to stop their father.
Ramone has a brother Jean who WAS the next successor.. so at this point he is the king.. as the old king Maxim  is dead.
Jean is presumably the older brother because with the human belief in blood magic. only the first born male child of a virgin, is trusted to be of the father's blood. (in case you ever wondered why people say it is important to marry a virgin and that your first child be male) 

As ramone lost hope and was blinded by grief he didn't Notice the kings inheritance taking him over, after all no one but the one who became king knew about it.
Jean became king. Why does this have anything to do with Ramone? Also much like the "birds and bees" talk that all responsible parents have with their kids, you'd think the "When your super powers show up" talk would be very similar. Not to mention "super powers" do not tend to stay secret to only the person who has them as the years pass by.

And now he finally had the power to stop his father!
King Maxim is dead. That is how Jean became king (and apparently got power of some sort). Ramone's dad is about as stopped as he can be.. Unless king Maxim returned from the dead as a flesh hungry zombie.

The power to be king!
Nope, that would be Jean according to the already established "kings inheritance: no one but the one who became king knew about it" thing.

The power to make those dogs bow before him!
Somehow dogs are now involved.

So ramone killed his father and anyone who'd stand against him including his brother.
So Ramone killed his father.. and then went "mad with rage!" because of his father dying.. at Ramone's hand. And now Ramone Kills Jean (presumably Jean and not a 3rd or 4th brother) who had the power of inheritance, which then passes to Jean's kid, and will allow Ramone who was never in line for the power, to stop his father, who Ramone already murdered...

Wait what is Ramone for? Who is standing against this? Is Ramone just for Ramone?
The power of inheritance must be pretty lame is so many people with it die so easy...

Jean did manage to save two persons, his son(ryoshin) and younger sister(jade)
Ramone kills King "for a few minutes" Jean, presumably Ryoshin (as heir) gets The King's Inheritance. All hail King Ryoshin. 

Those two managed to escape from the royal ship to world three's lands below But they are still being hunted by ramone.
Presumably King Ryoshin and Auntie Jade, are being hunted by King Ryoshin's sad uncle Ramone (Ramone probably even heard his parents talk about sending him off to join the priesthood when he was young). I'm not sure where escaping comes into play. Ryoshin is king, all he has to do is tell Ramone to knock it off or throw Ramone into a dungeon if Ramone will not stop his silly aggression. Is Ramone planning to kill the whole family line, to try to get the inheritance/kingdom?

Now ryoshin's Back is against the ropes,
Well as "against the ropes" as your life gets when you are the king. It is good to be the king. The nice thing about something like magical badges of office like "The Inheritance", is it is pretty easy to show everyone who is king.

his best friend's Life's are in ramones hands
Are they hostage? Taking the kings friends hostage can be a really dumb move. Ryoshin is the king after all.

he's being framed for murder,
He is untouchable as he is the king.

almost died and his sensei is restoring His memories!
We need more details on this. How did he almost die? OD in front of the Viper Room?
How is his sensei restoring his memories?

What he sees... And while their fights rage on neither Of them know there's more to the inheritance than meets the eyes..
Who is fighting? King Ryoshin would have the inheritance so who is he fighting? Presumably having the inheritance makes this a very unfair fight. Also if you are the king you have people to fight for you.
Also with "neither Of them know" you have a conflict with the already established "no one but the one who became king knew about it". I told you it is hard to keep super powers secret for very long. If you never tell your kids they will get super powers or that they should keep them secret .. the super powers are never secret, they are more "Hey everyone, watch this!"

So this could use some work.

Chapter 1:

The problem I see here is that while I'm guessing you want RYOSHIN to be a generic "rebel/maverick who plays by his own rules", you are going about it wrong.

With the original "take the pebble from my hand student" Kung Fu test this was just what a student had to pass to be able to head out into the world. This is not what it takes to beat the master.
Also keep in mind that standardly when you have a student picking on the master/sensei (calling them "geezer", "old man" or "pervert/old pervert" as some standard overly used names) the student never has a chance at beating the master. This shows that they are a rebel who doesn't just bow to authority. Fighting with the master also shows that they will keep trying, even when they know they should not be able to win, until one day "and now the student becomes the master!"
If they handily beat up the master and poke fun at him, they are just an A-Hole who likes to beat up and ridicule the elderly. Very few people want to make this character.
Again Ryoshin is the king so the sensei will have to take the punishment rather than just leave or kick the student out.

Then there is how the kid who spends a little time practicing some for of martial arts when not hover boarding around, hanging out with friends, doing homework, looking at girls, etc, beats up the old man who has dedicated a life to its study and perfection of said martial art. Maybe the kid is a kung fu genius?
Or if you are king, maybe you just order the old man to throw every fight... then you make fun of him.

You may also want to write this in a book format as that will lead to better explanation of a lot of the moves which mean something to you but not to anyone looking at this. Unless you intend them to be so generic that everyone will know what they are just from description. <Word for circling wind> Strike! as it is there appears to be a lot of stuff that is happening in your mind that is never reaching the readers.
Another thing that will help avoid that into mess in the future, is to reread your stuff many times after you write it. It would be nice if they told us that this is why we proof read in every English class where they wanted us to do multiple drafts of something (and none of us did)

After you have a polished story you can convert to screen play, semi-screen play, story board description, story board, etc

And just for my own giggle:
SKYLER-- Prince Rizel or should i say Prince Ryoshin!
SNOOP DOGG-- Prince Ryoshin.. or should I say Prince Rizel? Fo shizzle!

Chapter 2.

RYOSHIN-- (thinking "if I make it back to the house, I'll be
                      safe. the old man's there)
He just beat up the old man, how is that going to be safe? Is his sensei real good at dialing 911?

SKYLER--have you forgotten, I'm a demon! there's
                   nothing I cant do
As a writer make sure you have a real hard definition of what "nothing I cant do" means (does it mean that or is it just pointless bragging). Try to convey this to the readers otherwise they may ask themselves "Why doesn't the demon just make their target quit existing?"

RYOSHIN-- (can't move, blood stains the bandages across his lower face)
Cut himself shaving? had an accident making a pop tart? he is a cutter? where did the bandages come from?
They are on his face, people point that kind of stuff out and ask questions.

PRINCE RAMONE-- yes, come in! what is it this time? Those renegade rebels trying to revolt again?(sipping on some tea)
I'd rewrite this a bit to avoid confusing the "renegade rebels trying to revolt" with the "The obedient rebels who are trying to support us"

Basically this says "The rebel rebels are rebelling". While funny to read, it does merit a rewrite

I may read more later.

Offline neka

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« Reply #8 on: April 17, 2015, 05:03:54 PM »
thanks for reading it and pointing out those facts. I'll keep working on making it a better story.
@White $oul@