October 03, 2022, 09:19:13 PM

------------------------------------------

If you have Login Problems Use the Login in Top Menu Bar


------------------------------------------
If you have a problem registering here, Leave a msg at our FB Page >> Here.

Plz Don't use Hotmail to Register. You might not receive Activation mail. Use Other free mail provider like Gmail or Yahoo.






Author Topic: Please have a read the ideas relatively new so name yet. First chapter (maybe)  (Read 1026 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Cj45

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 29
  • Gender: Male
  • What Kinds of bees produce milk? google it.
    • View Profile
okay before you read the story if ive formatted this incorectly or i havent tagged this correcly im sorry. Secondly im posting this here for good AND bad reviews i wanna get better and honest reviews are the only way to do this ( but please dont rip me to shreds it is my first time writing anything like this) anyway dont let me put you off carry on reading.

‘Come on please I need that it’s my sisters’ the boy pleaded wiping the blood from his nose ‘Its not worth anythin anyway. Seriously please just gi—‘The boy slid down the trunk of the tree clutching his stomach trying to draw all the air that had been knocked out of him. ‘Shut up’ hissed the first man greedily eying the pendant ‘anyway if it aint valuable why you ssso desperate to keep it, huh? DON’T LIE TO SLIPTER BOY’ the sudden change in tone surprised the boy and at once the biggest but dumbest looking of the three men pounced upon the surprised look ‘Look slipter the weaklings being a liar let me smack him please slipter let me smack the son of a bitch’ at once the man called slipter turned and glared at the large man. The big man in turn recoiled in fear covering his face as if shielding his eys from the venom of a cobra. At once slipter began to cackle. A cough from the tree interrupted the small man’s laugh.  I’m not lying its*cough* not valuable I swear*cough* just please can I—‘‘SHUT UP, WHY YOU WANT IT THEN ? STOP LYING TO SLIPTER’ with this slipter struck the boy across the face again. From behind the three men came a rustle. ‘I’LL KILL YOU BOY STOP LYING’. The big man turned and let out a sound of surprise ‘Huh?’ . Slipter so consumed with his rage at the boys apparent lying didn’t notice the sound  at first but eventually he slowly turned his head and glared at the big man with such anger in his eyes that the big man physically flinched. ‘ Jean? you done with that girl already?’ Slipters eyes shone with the thought of the naked young girl lying just out of sight battered and bruised’ If you’ve broken her im gonna cut you jean, I still want my go with her’. There was a rustling in the bushes. When no reply came slipter eyed the bush suspiciously but before he could say anything there was a louder rustle and the body of the man that was Jean slowly rolled through the leaves and stopped at the bottom of the small incline where slipter stood. The big man raised his club trying to appear threating and slipter looked from one corner of his eye to the other surveying the small opening in which they stood. The boy was so occupied with catching his breath  and his eyes so full of blood he did not realise the situation confronting his tormentors and once again pleaded for the return of his pendant ‘ it aint worth nothing *wheeze*it’s my sister’s that’s all’ Slipter , who only understood greed, was so frustrated by the boys answer that he forgot his situation and turned on the boy gripping his dagger so tightly his knuckles went white ‘ STOP LYING WHY YOU WANT IT IF IT WORTH NOTHING?!’Everything was still. Both the boy and Slipter were confused as to why neither had felt the dagger sink into the boy. Then with eyes open wide in fear and surprise Slipter slowly looked down at the pale hand that held his arm perfectly still inches away from the boys face. Slipter slowly followed the muscled arms and up the broad shoulders until he was staring at a pair of light red eyes so close that he could feel breath upon his face. The man spoke calmly and deliberately ‘ he told you he why wants it , like he said it belonged to our sister’ and with those words the man sprung back sliding across the leaves as he landed, there was a thud where the large mans club connected with the ground, Slipter wailed as he shouted at the large man to kill the intruder and the forest exploded into action.



Anyway that was just a intro of sorts i just put together not too much planning went it so pleas eput a review (if you could one good thing and one bad thing would be good please thanks guys)
Cj

Offline Lumaria

  • Editor Group
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4093
  • Gender: Female
  • Someone who will tell you what you need to hear
    • View Profile
ok, the first sentence i didn't understand. could you check for grammar issues? you need to you more commas and periods.
Stop playing victim....you know what you did.

Offline Cj45

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 29
  • Gender: Male
  • What Kinds of bees produce milk? google it.
    • View Profile
yeh sorry im re-reading it now i wrote it on word and a lot of the grammar didnt transfer over when i copied and pasted for some reason  i might have to copy it out directly sorry guys

Offline 50 Words for Paipis

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2565
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
I hope it's okay to ask if English is your first language?