So idk if I should be criticizing it as an outline for a manga or just as a manga. If it was just as a manga it'd eliminate a lot of the problems I have with it. Before I go on let me just say, it's has a really good set up as a shonen, so it's good in that regards. Hands down the best line in it is, " Empire’s women’s division only started a couple years ago, and now they’re showing the world what we can do..." It leaves room for a story line about being a women wrestler, I like setting up options for the future. I don't read or watch sport anime/manga so idk which category it fits in better or was aiming to be. That being said, I like very few shonen's and I don't like wrestling that much so it wouldn't be my type of read tbh. But that doesn't mean I can't try my best at helping. Sorry if I come off as rude, I've been told in the past that I do when giving my opinion and i'm working on that, so hopefully I don't
Judging it as an outline, this was really hard to read. I don't mean it's bad, i mean like actually visually. I believe there are more opportunities to add a spacing between paragraphs(to cut it into sperate paragraphs) like when Yuzu and Ichiro go to Hana match or when Yuzu and Yarai are finish talking. A big problem for me atleast was the decision of having barely any periods (or forgetting them). Idk if you forgot most of them and chose to put some in or if you decided not to include them and accidentally put them in for some. This causing a problem for me when reading because sometimes it looks like the description that comes after someone talking is just part of them talking (if that makes sense).
"Yuzu: (With a bewildered look on his face as he stares at Ichiro) Why do you look so proud when you haven’t done anything (He thinks)
Just after this it is a full panel of Hana catching a moving Kimi in a Step-Up Enzuigiri (basically a jumping kick to the back of the head), Kimi falls limp onto her knees and slumps, so her head falls "
That the main one I noticed it on and there were like 2 more down the page, but I don't wanna find them... bit due to laziness bit due to the spacing problem i mention before. While I don't suggest correcting the period problem for this already written one (I've done it before, it's such a drag), I do believe that making it easier for your readers/critiquers to read can encourage them to continue reading through.
Side note, you did a really good job of describing what was going on in the fight. I felt like except for two parts, I kept up with the entire fight with little difficulty, which is a miracle for me lol. I know a bit of wrestling so I knew what some of the basic moves were, but some I didn't know.
As a manga tho? This seems really solid. To list a few things that I feel were really good.
1. The women quote from earlier.
2. I like how you kept Hana match short, It feels like a good pace for an actual manga first chapter.
My critics on it as a manga comes as more of a critic of shonen series as a whole (especially their beginnings). It's super basic, it feels like the beginning of every shonen ever and the tropes characters positions stand out the most. I feel I know their character, but learned nothing about them as a character which happens a lot in the shonens I really don't like. In Hunter x Hunter, we meet Gon and I learn a little about his character atleast, He's a very weird kid, it's unique because not only does he already seem to be over talented (different from the norm), he's also a kid and very child like. This leaves me wondering about the world, which they also do a great job of showing just enough of, it's a weird world, but I can group piece together the world they're trying to sell me even tho it's just a facade, a shroud over our eyes of ALOT of the world. I don't believe that hunter x hunter beginning episodes are good lol, but the first episode does it well and the next episodes do a good job of shrouding what the world is actually like.
In basic ones, they don't give me this satisfaction of knowing the character, they just display the character as a trope the first few episodes. I was going to use naruto, but naruto is the character that started it all for me so lol I'll use fairy tale. Natsu is a hungry, poor, good hearted but cocky MC who enjoys a fight. You can tell what going to happen in the episode before it even happens. All I know about the characters are they are the tropes of shonen characters and I feel that way about your manga as well. Sometimes characters stay as just tropes of a shonen mc and if that what you're going for... you do you lol.
I feel your characters barely display these shonen tropes, that the shonen cliche-ness comes from the story structure itself. This sounds like a good thing for the characters, but since they don't show any character in any different way they are like characters who are only half full, and what they got in them isn't a good anyways.
I was going to type some long explanation on how to fix this, but tbh it's just how shonens work. Crazy enough... IT WORKS ALL THE TIME. so if that's what you're going for, go ahead, can't make you risk losing potential readers for my sake. But what I would recommend is filling your characters in a bit more (Not Ichiro, he's a bit more filled in than Hana and WAY more filled in than Yuzu.), especially the MC, seems like a robot too me lol.
sorry, I realize i just went on a basically pointless rant. Besides it being a lot like ever other shonen beginning, if you don't mind that and you fill up your characters with a bit of personality, the manga version seems very cool.
I feel conflicted on this one point tho. So WWE wrestling is fake, but can be respected because it's not all about the fighting because they can tell a really good story. That being said, they fighting in WWE is really inefficient and over the top. This manga's wrestling seems to be professional wrestling, not traditional. I'm conflicted because we all this type of fighting is for showmanship and isn't actually good. I kind of want an explanation of why they wrestle like this, but in the end it doesn't bug me that much. Some real uptight stickler would probably be bothered but who cares really. I also kind of want professional wrestling to be touched on in the show. Like does it exist?
This concludes my critque. Remember my say is not law, nor did it come from a shonen fan. My favorite part is that it deals with professional wrestlers, the concept I've not seen oftend. If you post any more I'll probably find the time to read it over and review it.
Topic: Hikari's Random Gallery of crappy ideas (Read 25622 times)
