November 15, 2018, 09:33:15 AM

------------------------------------------

If you have Login Problems Use the Login in Top Menu Bar


------------------------------------------
If you have a problem registering here, Leave a msg at our FB Page >> Here.

Plz Don't use Hotmail to Register. You might not receive Activation mail. Use Other free mail provider like Gmail or Yahoo.






Author Topic: Hikari's Random Gallery of crappy ideas  (Read 7024 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Hikari

  • Gambler
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1661
  • Gender: Male
  • Sage of NET
    • View Profile
Re: Hikari's Random Gallery of crappy ideas
« Reply #90 on: September 11, 2018, 05:32:39 PM »
Updated EWZ's one shot based on some reviews I got. Series has been renamed to Empire or Teikoku. All reviews are welcomed no matter how petty you think the critique is. Thanks in advance

Offline JustHANO

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 40
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: Hikari's Random Gallery of crappy ideas
« Reply #91 on: September 12, 2018, 05:42:15 PM »
So idk if I should be criticizing it as an outline for a manga or just as a manga. If it was just as a manga it'd eliminate a lot of the problems I have with it. Before I go on let me just say, it's has a really good set up as a shonen, so it's good in that regards. Hands down the best line in it is, " Empire’s women’s division only started a couple years ago, and now they’re showing the world what we can do..." It leaves room for a story line about being a women wrestler, I like setting up options for the future. I don't read or watch sport anime/manga so idk which category it fits in better or was aiming to be. That being said, I like very few shonen's and I don't like wrestling that much so it wouldn't be my type of read tbh. But that doesn't mean I can't try my best at helping. Sorry if I come off as rude, I've been told in the past that I do when giving my opinion and i'm working on that, so hopefully I don't

Judging it as an outline, this was really hard to read. I don't mean it's bad, i mean like actually visually. I believe there are more opportunities to add a spacing between paragraphs(to cut it into sperate paragraphs) like when Yuzu and Ichiro go to Hana match or when Yuzu and Yarai are finish talking. A big problem for me atleast was the decision of having barely any periods (or forgetting them). Idk if you forgot most of them and chose to put some in or if you decided not to include them and accidentally put them in for some. This causing a problem for me when reading because sometimes it looks like the description that comes after someone talking is just part of them talking (if that makes sense).

"Yuzu: (With a bewildered look on his face as he stares at Ichiro) Why do you look so proud when you haven’t done anything (He thinks)
Just after this it is a full panel of Hana catching a moving Kimi in a Step-Up Enzuigiri (basically a jumping kick to the back of the head), Kimi falls limp onto her knees and slumps, so her head falls "

That the main one I noticed it on and there were like 2 more down the page, but I don't wanna find them... bit due to laziness bit due to the spacing problem i mention before. While I don't suggest correcting the period problem for this already written one (I've done it before, it's such a drag), I do believe that making it easier for your readers/critiquers to read can encourage them to continue reading through.

Side note, you did a really good job of describing what was going on in the fight. I felt like except for two parts, I kept up with the entire fight with little difficulty, which is a miracle for me lol. I know a bit of wrestling so I knew what some of the basic moves were, but some I didn't know.

As a manga tho? This seems really solid. To list a few things that I feel were really good.
1. The women quote from earlier.

2. I like how you kept Hana match short, It feels like a good pace for an actual manga first chapter.


My critics on it as a manga comes as more of a critic of shonen series as a whole (especially their beginnings). It's super basic, it feels like the beginning of every shonen ever and the tropes characters positions stand out the most. I feel I know their character, but learned nothing about them as a character which happens a lot in the shonens I really don't like. In Hunter x Hunter, we meet Gon and I learn a little about his character atleast, He's a very weird kid, it's unique because not only does he already seem to be over talented (different from the norm), he's also a kid and very child like. This leaves me wondering about the world, which they also do a great job of showing just enough of, it's a weird world, but I can group piece together the world they're trying to sell me even tho it's just a facade, a shroud over our eyes of ALOT of the world. I don't believe that hunter x hunter beginning episodes are good lol, but the first episode does it well and the next episodes do a good job of shrouding what the world is actually like.

In basic ones, they don't give me this satisfaction of knowing the character, they just display the character as a trope the first few episodes. I was going to use naruto, but naruto is the character that started it all for me so lol I'll use fairy tale. Natsu is a hungry, poor, good hearted but cocky MC who enjoys a fight. You can tell what going to happen in the episode before it even happens. All I know about the characters are they are the tropes of shonen characters and I feel that way about your manga as well. Sometimes characters stay as just tropes of a shonen mc and if that what you're going for... you do you lol.

I feel your characters barely display these shonen tropes, that the shonen cliche-ness comes from the story structure itself. This sounds like a good thing for the characters, but since they don't show any character in any different way they are like characters who are only half full, and what they got in them isn't a good anyways.

I was going to type some long explanation on how to fix this, but tbh it's just how shonens work. Crazy enough... IT WORKS ALL THE TIME. so if that's what you're going for, go ahead, can't make you risk losing potential readers for my sake. But what I would recommend is filling your characters in a bit more (Not Ichiro, he's a bit more filled in than Hana and WAY more filled in than Yuzu.), especially the MC, seems like a robot too me lol.

sorry, I realize i just went on a basically pointless rant. Besides it being a lot like ever other shonen beginning, if you don't mind that and you fill up your characters with a bit of personality, the manga version seems very cool.

I feel conflicted on this one point tho. So WWE wrestling is fake, but can be respected because it's not all about the fighting because they can tell a really good story. That being said, they fighting in WWE is really inefficient and over the top. This manga's wrestling seems to be professional wrestling, not traditional. I'm conflicted because we all this type of fighting is for showmanship and isn't actually good. I kind of want an explanation of why they wrestle like this, but in the end it doesn't bug me that much. Some real uptight stickler would probably be bothered but who cares really. I also kind of want professional wrestling to be touched on in the show. Like does it exist?

This concludes my critque. Remember my say is not law, nor did it come from a shonen fan. My favorite part is that it deals with professional wrestlers, the concept I've not seen oftend. If you post any more I'll probably find the time to read it over and review it.



Offline Hikari

  • Gambler
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1661
  • Gender: Male
  • Sage of NET
    • View Profile
Re: Hikari's Random Gallery of crappy ideas
« Reply #92 on: September 12, 2018, 06:29:50 PM »
Thanks for the review man, I appreciate it.

I’m sorry about the lack of punctuation in there, I always seem to get right into creating and then when I’m reviewing it myself I just get lazy so I’ll go through it and add a couple stops in. About the characters, I believe building characters is probably my weakness, like I can insert a basic trait in there and I have gone through and tried to think how their background would alter them but they always come out rather one dimensional. With Yuzuru, his backstory directly impacts his character and it possibly is a big reason as to why he is so robotic, though this is definitely something I want to improve. Do you have any advice on character building? From what you put I’d imagine trying to show off the world they are in may help so I’ll try and add some detail on that.

In regards to the style of wrestling itself, it’s a jumbling of the WWE style (very dramatised) and independent promotions such as: New Japan Pro Wrestling, Ring Of Honor, Progress, etc which are much more about high intensity match ups, while they are still fake they put a lot of effort into making moves look extremely real. My intention with the series is to have the moves be real full contact as the deeper parts of the series just wouldn’t make any sense if it was fake. If I could I’d make it openly a fake show with a lot of 4th wall breaks but I did want to have a more action Sh?nen feel to it rather than comedy.

I’m glad you liked parts of it, some of the specific parts you mentioned came after I got some great critique so I’ve got some other people to be thanking XD. One of my biggest worries for the series was that I wouldn’t be able to properly explain the match whilst it happened but it seems it went down well so i is relieved.

Again thanks a lot for reviewing, it really helps me improve so the next rewrite or chapter (depends on if I think I can move onto the next one) that much better. And don’t worry, you didn’t sound rude at all (trust me I’ve seen some rude reviewers on here though normally it’s the creators that get mad).

Offline JustHANO

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 40
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: Hikari's Random Gallery of crappy ideas
« Reply #93 on: September 12, 2018, 07:28:55 PM »
I think your series would cast a lot of opportunities to make references to the real world and people love references when they aren't overdone. So I feel you don't have to go full comedy.  Once again, while i feel it's like a basic shonen, those do go far and do good. I'm not doubting this show can't live off that alone, but other elements can help it stand out even more. It has the unique wrestling element, but you could always look for more to add on. Like just example, NOT SUGGUESTION - Muscle fan service. WAY over the top characters (jo-jo style). comedy. reference fan service. 4th wall breaking. super technical explanations. that sort of extra spice that really give your story something unique but familiar to the readers as writing tropes.

2 random things i thought up of when rereading it. Love Love LOVE the finishing moves and how they have names. And also there's a part where it should be put as Yuzu thoughts but it's not. it's right at the end where he talks about them finally making it.

For character creating, I'm kind of weird. Firstly, please remember I'm by no pro. I wrote a few creepypasta's in the past and they weren't good. Right now i'm working on my first real story so i'm not like great [even though my ego says otherwise :)  ] But for character creating I use other characters/tropes and a lot of the time real people as bases for my characters. A lot of my characters are just my opinions personified or a trope with quirk added or the side of someone I know sketched out. I honestly believe characters are just shaped by the story or in the case of a comedy, the joke I'm working towards. Like I put the character who is set by how I created them, set a goal in mind and have my story move my character to that goal and just role-play what my character would do there/say. This might be my ego talking but I think I'm actually really good at this.

You could try this style, like you were saying your character is shaped by his past. This is good, but good characters aren't one dimensional. Let him be shaped by his past and _____. like 'Shaped by his past and total meathead.' or 'shaped by his past and has super-man syndrome'. Once again these are examples, not suggestion, fill in that blank with something you think you have the skill set to act out and fits the character you want to create. Don't commit to this style tho. I've learned that it's VERY hard creating a character who is a lot different from you. While you may be able to still make villains because there's a structure to that, it's hard creating a non-villain character who has conflicting opinions with you that aren't like just totally wrong to have opinions. Like if you're making a character who agrees with Hitler it's probably easy to play out his views because it's such a stupid opinion lol. But if it's like a close debate type opinion it'll be hard for you to play devil's advocate because you don't know it that well, basically. I notice I was going on a tangent so imma stop lol. but yea that how i do it. 

that basically it. I make Light-novels for now because I don't really like scene setting, so it's werid reviewing manga scripts. As a question for you, do you beleive i should just be reviewing the manga as a manga or the whole manga as a script too? And no problem, i'll be around a lot! *tho i'll probably be off for today.
« Last Edit: September 12, 2018, 07:30:50 PM by JustHANO »

Offline Hikari

  • Gambler
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1661
  • Gender: Male
  • Sage of NET
    • View Profile
Re: Hikari's Random Gallery of crappy ideas
« Reply #94 on: September 12, 2018, 09:52:07 PM »
I see what you mean. I best character I have right now is a guy called Johnny Lopez. He grew up in a rough area and had to learn how to adapt to the dangers around him. But he had a very close friend who was fairly rich and the two got along really well. It was at his friends house that he first saw wrestling and what got him interested. He already knew his friend was trying to go pro so he went with him to one of his training sessions and was instantly noticed by one of the trainers for having a lot of potential. This added on to being trained by a close family friend (the style he was taught was Pencak Silat, which originated in Indonesia and mainly focuses on strikes) meant he had quite the arsenal.

In the story I have down for him. He and his friend joined the company they are currently in as a Tag Team and were extremely successful, Lopez had his wicked kicks and devastating combinations whilst his friend put more hours in at the gym hoping to emulate his favourite wrestler’s style of a lot of lifting and some technical submissions. But Lopez picked things up at an insane pace and his friend couldn’t keep up, the two split and this friend was approached by the owner of the brand. The owner wanted a specific type of wrestler to rule their show as its face and hated the idea of it being Lopez, so they offered him a deal end Lopez and he would be champion. Lopez was put in a match with him and his friend almost cost him his career because of it.

For me that’s probably the best I’ve got right now, the other character in that did have other reasons as to why he did what he did but that’d be a whole other story