23311
Develop Your Story / Re: Translated
« on: September 07, 2010, 03:42:59 PM »
REVIEW FOR TRANSLATED CHAPTERS 7 – 9
Well, these chapters really add a heck of a lot of meat to the story. It takes a whole new turn and now we’re on a journey barely after a scene of easy-going village life, watching stars and a tragic battle. The main plot is on its way, and Sumi is very likely about to learn more about his situation. As I have been really curious throughout what exactly happened and who that old man was I stuck around effortlessly and followed the words. Interesting characters and nice maneuvering. It’s difficult to have a strong story to move your characters through. It read like a good fantasy journey. At the end of it all I’m still definitely going to follow this through. What is especially attractive is to see the art in action. I myself could picture a couple of scenes. Notably Sumi crossing the path of flowers set by Lucy, Thomas fighting in the church, Sumi’s impression of the forest, a floating continent, the village with those symbols on magic shops and don’t forget, The Thorn of God. Scary plants.
The downsides that I spotted were that the dialogues of Sumi and Lucy seemed uncomfortably similar to eachother. Other characters seem to suffer from this from time to time. I don’t exactly demand accented speech “Hey zer! Vwat are you doing!” No. It’s just that some words which suit Sumi’s timeline don’t fit in Lucy’s vocabularly. Don’t need ancient speech but you should separate the language a little. Also, I hate to say this but some things just look so familiar. I know, it’s practically impossible to make a unique story but you need to bring something new to the table. Anything ranging from unexpected twists to some new interesting factor. Anything at all. Even use art incentives. Whatever. Just make your story alive in its own special way. (Oddly, I was about to suggest you make a card game based on this. But that’s just me being totally random.) Anyhow you get the idea: Surprise me (the reader).
Unfortunately you didn’t make a basic spell-check for the story so I couldn’t pick out all the real mistakes that are hard to find. Even though this is a draft you need to clean up the mistakes. Actually the best thing to do is to avoid mistakes at all, so that I could settle down and read it. But we’re only human.
Don’t worry that I’ve written more on the downsides, it’s just that there’s so much that can be done to make this glow. It’s a nice story, and I’m interested in seeing how it turns out. Honest.
Brief Chapter Comments/notes/thoughts (As they came. No editing done.)
CHAPTER 6: Interesting. You paced throughout the story. It has a very nice hook at the end. Finally the truth of Sumi’s situation may be coming out.
Chapter 7: Well, theres quite a bit then. Here's more to read. Chapter 8&9
No internet makes Sumi a productive boy...
CHAPTER 8: I wish I could forget Avatar for a few moments as I read this because it really was interesting. Sadly I can’t and you must know people will draw similarities. But in my opinion I’d say go on ahead. To me there’s really no such thing as a unique story.
In any case the chapter makes a good bridge. It’s a bit too big, though. You need to separate it a little. (But I’m a bit divided on this since Light Novels usually have only 5 – 7 chapters in 40000 words…)
Meh.
CHAPTER 9: Well, really nice. I thought I had spotted two or three plot holes and they were all neatly wrapped up. It’s very good that you keep suspense on what exactly is happening for the entire situation, and I read through it eagerly.
Chapter 9 Well, really nice. I thought I had spotted two or three plot holes and they were all neatly wrapped up. It’s very good that you keep suspense on what exactly is happening for the entire situation, and I read through it eagerly.
SUMMARY
PRO’s
- Nice twist to the mainline story. Fits nicely and continues smoothly
- Tense events and mysteries rising
- An interesting fantasy world and characters that beg(s) to be drawn
- Simple to follow.
CONS
-Typos slow down the reader
- Uncomfortable Dialogue similarities. Characters speak like the other some times.
- Risk of being completely regular. Need to find that single something that will at least make it special
Possible Errors/ Plot-holes/ E.t.c
1. Why didn’t Sumi and Thomas return with Leif’s body? I can’t see them leaving him in the mortuary or some soldier’s grave without good cause. They had the ways and means…
2. Edward floated down to the door and glided out. (When he had just pinned Sumi against the wall with a spear)
*Why in the world didn’t he kill him? He seemed clear that he wanted Sumi to die. He actually said that. Of course, this may either be Edward mistaking Sumi to be dead (unlikely), Edward giving him mercy (Unlikely), Edward simply couldn’t kill him even if he tried (likely, I guess) or you giving unrealistic mercy to the protagonist. If your answer is a spoiler just say so and keep your silence ^^. *
3. Sumi woke up to the forest. He was leaned against the same tree he was by the last night. He checked his shoulder, and the bandages were still clean meaning the wound was healing.
* Well… Sumi was impaled to a wall with the spear. Even if it only hit muscle it should be really serious and painful. Even possible disability since there’s no proper way to heal them. Or is Lucy simply a heck of a good medic? That’d totally make sense…*
Comments and Querys
1- That was one heck of a freaky dream in the beginning of chapter 6. Rock down the throat. Ugh…
2. I took these from the storage at home, it's something dad picked up from a traveling salesmen from the Water Nation.
*…*
3. I bet Nations that have elements that are naturally opposite are on bad terms with eachother…
4. You really had better loose internet often. You really wrote a storm when you were offline.
5. How goes the manga? What about art?
6. The Thorn of God… Yikes. *head ‘splodes.*
Fixing typos and grammos may be a pain, so do it at your own time or simply remember the mistakes you make to avoid them later. Do whatever… Some of the things I’ve pointed out may not be mistakes so sorry for that.
Typos & Grammos
1- Sumi's body won't react, he's immoble.
*immobile*
2. Sumi was choking, unable to breath , warm blood trickling down his gullet, tickling his throat as if to taunt him.
*breathe* (You’ve made this mistake before. Memorize it and avoid making it again.)
3. Thomas: *Wakes up violently* Whats wrong?
*What’s*
4. Thomas: Thats what you get for missing the night's sleep. After such a day.
*That’s*
5. Of the original 12 that left the village had returned. The rest staying to fight . The two boys looked down the path to Leif's house.
*, and one dead, of course.* (or something along those lines)
6. Thomas: I have no clue, but your right, we have to go see if he knows anything.
*you’re*
7. The two explained what had happened in the field. They exculded any mention of Ed and replaced him with a sorcerrer .
*excluded*
*sorcerer*
8. Al: I can't believe it... It's way to outlandish.
*too*
9. Al: No, it's all so strange. Any one the village sends out the look around comes back with nothing. There's no clues to him at all. Like he dissapeared or flew away .
* disappeared.* In any case it still seems a little… awkward, reading this. I understand what you were trying to convey, but maybe just use the word ‘disappear’. What is the expression for this… ? Wordiness. Reduce wordiness.
10. The three boys jumped up from their seats and ran into the gale. When they went out side they could see much clearer what was happening.
* Windstorm, strong wind…* (A gale might be a little too much and frankly inaccurate in this situation. Although that’s entirely up to you.)
11. It was pitch black and he couldn't see anything, excpect the gimmer of the altar at the front. All of a sudden the stain glass windows started to cast a bit of cloured light into the Church.
* except*
*glimmer*
*colored/coloured* (They’re way too many typos spaced together. Remember to make at least one basic spell check before completing a first, complete draft.)
12. Thomas threw himself up and ran whatever he could through an alisle of pews to the centre of the church.
*aisle*
13. Thomas sobbered up from the shock of the sight and ran around the Priest, muttering a quick prayer. The left figure flew at Thomas before he could react, pinned him to the window sile and grabbed his arms. He stopped his charge when he noticed it was just he boys.
* sobered*
*sill*
*the* (Just to remind you about too many typos being in one place…*
14. There was still no answer, so Sumi slung the door open to find Lucy unconscience on the floor leaned against her bed.
*unconscious*
15. He passed the door, and he noticed it being slammed on, it was near busting .
*Bursting. But the sentence doesn’t sound right. Consider rewriting it.*
16. His opponet didn't move but rather swayed back and forth. The figure stopped moving and rasied his claw to Sumi. The claw shot like a rocket at Sumi, passed his head into the walk behind him.
*opponent*
*raised*
*wall*
17. … knocking him off his feet onto the ground, his back agains the couch.
*against*
18. …who prepared for a second attack, but was hit with a falming oil soaked rag in the side of his head…
*flaming oil-soaked*
19. Sumi: Smug rat!
*You smug, rat!*
20. Man: Let us in! Oi! You listening? Were here for that tresspasser!
*we’re*
21. Lucy jumped up and tossed the chair back. She leaned to the sied and pulled up Sumi's bow and…
* side* (From here on out I typically pick out the mistakes that are understandable. I emphasize: SPELL CHECK)
22. He told Lucy about what had happened, regarded Ed.
*regarding*
23. Lucy swung the bag off her shoulder and pulled out a candle, some matches anda smaller bag, then lit the candle and…
*and a*
24. Sumi took off his shirt and bracer, and layed all his gear to the side, then Lucy unbandaged his wound, tossing the dirty bandages to the side and …
*removed the bandages*
25. Bigger than the last by far, wider than two men lieing down foot to head, and at least skyscraper tall the size of the canopy created a sort of clearing around the tree, almost as if the forest gave it distance in reverance.
*lying*
26. Sumi listened harder for a minute or two, and heard something other thant he sund of creatures …
*than the sound*
27. Sumi: Mhmm. Your prepared yourself.
*You’re* (Watch out for mistakes with your, you’re, there, their, they’re, its and it’s)
28. Lucy: You seem weird about this? Like you've never seen magic before.
*You seem weird about this. (it’s) like you’ve never seen magic before* OR * Why are you weird about this? (it’s) like you’ve never seen magic before.*
29 There was still lef over meat so Lucy cut off…
*left*
30. Sumi: Whiel that works it's own 'magic' I'll go clean the dishes…
*While that work’s its own*
31. Gray Cloak cleared their throat loudly, and stopped Lucy's nervous thank you. Sumi was the next to speak.
*his*
32. Sumi: Why? Is there somethin ahead.
*(Question Mark)*
33. Janin: It paralyses them first, then later when the venom becomes to much they scream and explode like you just saw. Like I said, it's near instant in small creatures, more specifically, ones of lower intellegence. Even large stupid ones will explode like that the same speed as the pidgeon.
*If their intelligence is low / if their stupid, Even larger ones would explode with the same speed as the pigeon*
34. Lucy: After seeing that Thorn of God I think eating meat would turn my stomache.
*stomach*
35. There were peddler's at stalls and performers with hats and buckets for change, singing, playing instruments or performing strange acts like juggling fire.
*Interesting acts like juggling fire* or something along those lines. Juggling isn’t exactly strange
36. Sumi: We're headed to the Wind Realm?
*delete question mark*
Well, these chapters really add a heck of a lot of meat to the story. It takes a whole new turn and now we’re on a journey barely after a scene of easy-going village life, watching stars and a tragic battle. The main plot is on its way, and Sumi is very likely about to learn more about his situation. As I have been really curious throughout what exactly happened and who that old man was I stuck around effortlessly and followed the words. Interesting characters and nice maneuvering. It’s difficult to have a strong story to move your characters through. It read like a good fantasy journey. At the end of it all I’m still definitely going to follow this through. What is especially attractive is to see the art in action. I myself could picture a couple of scenes. Notably Sumi crossing the path of flowers set by Lucy, Thomas fighting in the church, Sumi’s impression of the forest, a floating continent, the village with those symbols on magic shops and don’t forget, The Thorn of God. Scary plants.
The downsides that I spotted were that the dialogues of Sumi and Lucy seemed uncomfortably similar to eachother. Other characters seem to suffer from this from time to time. I don’t exactly demand accented speech “Hey zer! Vwat are you doing!” No. It’s just that some words which suit Sumi’s timeline don’t fit in Lucy’s vocabularly. Don’t need ancient speech but you should separate the language a little. Also, I hate to say this but some things just look so familiar. I know, it’s practically impossible to make a unique story but you need to bring something new to the table. Anything ranging from unexpected twists to some new interesting factor. Anything at all. Even use art incentives. Whatever. Just make your story alive in its own special way. (Oddly, I was about to suggest you make a card game based on this. But that’s just me being totally random.) Anyhow you get the idea: Surprise me (the reader).
Unfortunately you didn’t make a basic spell-check for the story so I couldn’t pick out all the real mistakes that are hard to find. Even though this is a draft you need to clean up the mistakes. Actually the best thing to do is to avoid mistakes at all, so that I could settle down and read it. But we’re only human.
Don’t worry that I’ve written more on the downsides, it’s just that there’s so much that can be done to make this glow. It’s a nice story, and I’m interested in seeing how it turns out. Honest.
Brief Chapter Comments/notes/thoughts (As they came. No editing done.)
CHAPTER 6: Interesting. You paced throughout the story. It has a very nice hook at the end. Finally the truth of Sumi’s situation may be coming out.
Chapter 7: Well, theres quite a bit then. Here's more to read. Chapter 8&9
No internet makes Sumi a productive boy...
CHAPTER 8: I wish I could forget Avatar for a few moments as I read this because it really was interesting. Sadly I can’t and you must know people will draw similarities. But in my opinion I’d say go on ahead. To me there’s really no such thing as a unique story.
In any case the chapter makes a good bridge. It’s a bit too big, though. You need to separate it a little. (But I’m a bit divided on this since Light Novels usually have only 5 – 7 chapters in 40000 words…)
Meh.
CHAPTER 9: Well, really nice. I thought I had spotted two or three plot holes and they were all neatly wrapped up. It’s very good that you keep suspense on what exactly is happening for the entire situation, and I read through it eagerly.
Chapter 9 Well, really nice. I thought I had spotted two or three plot holes and they were all neatly wrapped up. It’s very good that you keep suspense on what exactly is happening for the entire situation, and I read through it eagerly.
SUMMARY
PRO’s
- Nice twist to the mainline story. Fits nicely and continues smoothly
- Tense events and mysteries rising
- An interesting fantasy world and characters that beg(s) to be drawn
- Simple to follow.
CONS
-Typos slow down the reader
- Uncomfortable Dialogue similarities. Characters speak like the other some times.
- Risk of being completely regular. Need to find that single something that will at least make it special
Possible Errors/ Plot-holes/ E.t.c
1. Why didn’t Sumi and Thomas return with Leif’s body? I can’t see them leaving him in the mortuary or some soldier’s grave without good cause. They had the ways and means…
2. Edward floated down to the door and glided out. (When he had just pinned Sumi against the wall with a spear)
*Why in the world didn’t he kill him? He seemed clear that he wanted Sumi to die. He actually said that. Of course, this may either be Edward mistaking Sumi to be dead (unlikely), Edward giving him mercy (Unlikely), Edward simply couldn’t kill him even if he tried (likely, I guess) or you giving unrealistic mercy to the protagonist. If your answer is a spoiler just say so and keep your silence ^^. *
3. Sumi woke up to the forest. He was leaned against the same tree he was by the last night. He checked his shoulder, and the bandages were still clean meaning the wound was healing.
* Well… Sumi was impaled to a wall with the spear. Even if it only hit muscle it should be really serious and painful. Even possible disability since there’s no proper way to heal them. Or is Lucy simply a heck of a good medic? That’d totally make sense…*
Comments and Querys
1- That was one heck of a freaky dream in the beginning of chapter 6. Rock down the throat. Ugh…
2. I took these from the storage at home, it's something dad picked up from a traveling salesmen from the Water Nation.
*…*
3. I bet Nations that have elements that are naturally opposite are on bad terms with eachother…
4. You really had better loose internet often. You really wrote a storm when you were offline.
5. How goes the manga? What about art?
6. The Thorn of God… Yikes. *head ‘splodes.*
Fixing typos and grammos may be a pain, so do it at your own time or simply remember the mistakes you make to avoid them later. Do whatever… Some of the things I’ve pointed out may not be mistakes so sorry for that.
Typos & Grammos
1- Sumi's body won't react, he's immoble.
*immobile*
2. Sumi was choking, unable to breath , warm blood trickling down his gullet, tickling his throat as if to taunt him.
*breathe* (You’ve made this mistake before. Memorize it and avoid making it again.)
3. Thomas: *Wakes up violently* Whats wrong?
*What’s*
4. Thomas: Thats what you get for missing the night's sleep. After such a day.
*That’s*
5. Of the original 12 that left the village had returned. The rest staying to fight . The two boys looked down the path to Leif's house.
*, and one dead, of course.* (or something along those lines)
6. Thomas: I have no clue, but your right, we have to go see if he knows anything.
*you’re*
7. The two explained what had happened in the field. They exculded any mention of Ed and replaced him with a sorcerrer .
*excluded*
*sorcerer*
8. Al: I can't believe it... It's way to outlandish.
*too*
9. Al: No, it's all so strange. Any one the village sends out the look around comes back with nothing. There's no clues to him at all. Like he dissapeared or flew away .
* disappeared.* In any case it still seems a little… awkward, reading this. I understand what you were trying to convey, but maybe just use the word ‘disappear’. What is the expression for this… ? Wordiness. Reduce wordiness.
10. The three boys jumped up from their seats and ran into the gale. When they went out side they could see much clearer what was happening.
* Windstorm, strong wind…* (A gale might be a little too much and frankly inaccurate in this situation. Although that’s entirely up to you.)
11. It was pitch black and he couldn't see anything, excpect the gimmer of the altar at the front. All of a sudden the stain glass windows started to cast a bit of cloured light into the Church.
* except*
*glimmer*
*colored/coloured* (They’re way too many typos spaced together. Remember to make at least one basic spell check before completing a first, complete draft.)
12. Thomas threw himself up and ran whatever he could through an alisle of pews to the centre of the church.
*aisle*
13. Thomas sobbered up from the shock of the sight and ran around the Priest, muttering a quick prayer. The left figure flew at Thomas before he could react, pinned him to the window sile and grabbed his arms. He stopped his charge when he noticed it was just he boys.
* sobered*
*sill*
*the* (Just to remind you about too many typos being in one place…*
14. There was still no answer, so Sumi slung the door open to find Lucy unconscience on the floor leaned against her bed.
*unconscious*
15. He passed the door, and he noticed it being slammed on, it was near busting .
*Bursting. But the sentence doesn’t sound right. Consider rewriting it.*
16. His opponet didn't move but rather swayed back and forth. The figure stopped moving and rasied his claw to Sumi. The claw shot like a rocket at Sumi, passed his head into the walk behind him.
*opponent*
*raised*
*wall*
17. … knocking him off his feet onto the ground, his back agains the couch.
*against*
18. …who prepared for a second attack, but was hit with a falming oil soaked rag in the side of his head…
*flaming oil-soaked*
19. Sumi: Smug rat!
*You smug, rat!*
20. Man: Let us in! Oi! You listening? Were here for that tresspasser!
*we’re*
21. Lucy jumped up and tossed the chair back. She leaned to the sied and pulled up Sumi's bow and…
* side* (From here on out I typically pick out the mistakes that are understandable. I emphasize: SPELL CHECK)
22. He told Lucy about what had happened, regarded Ed.
*regarding*
23. Lucy swung the bag off her shoulder and pulled out a candle, some matches anda smaller bag, then lit the candle and…
*and a*
24. Sumi took off his shirt and bracer, and layed all his gear to the side, then Lucy unbandaged his wound, tossing the dirty bandages to the side and …
*removed the bandages*
25. Bigger than the last by far, wider than two men lieing down foot to head, and at least skyscraper tall the size of the canopy created a sort of clearing around the tree, almost as if the forest gave it distance in reverance.
*lying*
26. Sumi listened harder for a minute or two, and heard something other thant he sund of creatures …
*than the sound*
27. Sumi: Mhmm. Your prepared yourself.
*You’re* (Watch out for mistakes with your, you’re, there, their, they’re, its and it’s)
28. Lucy: You seem weird about this? Like you've never seen magic before.
*You seem weird about this. (it’s) like you’ve never seen magic before* OR * Why are you weird about this? (it’s) like you’ve never seen magic before.*
29 There was still lef over meat so Lucy cut off…
*left*
30. Sumi: Whiel that works it's own 'magic' I'll go clean the dishes…
*While that work’s its own*
31. Gray Cloak cleared their throat loudly, and stopped Lucy's nervous thank you. Sumi was the next to speak.
*his*
32. Sumi: Why? Is there somethin ahead.
*(Question Mark)*
33. Janin: It paralyses them first, then later when the venom becomes to much they scream and explode like you just saw. Like I said, it's near instant in small creatures, more specifically, ones of lower intellegence. Even large stupid ones will explode like that the same speed as the pidgeon.
*If their intelligence is low / if their stupid, Even larger ones would explode with the same speed as the pigeon*
34. Lucy: After seeing that Thorn of God I think eating meat would turn my stomache.
*stomach*
35. There were peddler's at stalls and performers with hats and buckets for change, singing, playing instruments or performing strange acts like juggling fire.
*Interesting acts like juggling fire* or something along those lines. Juggling isn’t exactly strange
36. Sumi: We're headed to the Wind Realm?
*delete question mark*