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Messages - NO1SY

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4426
Members Manga / Re: Pillocalypse
« on: May 08, 2014, 03:31:14 PM »
The original synopsis if freakin genius though! I want to see this pillow try to take over the world!

some nice art though, pretty consistent.

4427
Manga Art Gallery / Re: MusicFreak8800 Drawings
« on: May 08, 2014, 03:25:54 PM »
Good job :) I like the colouring pencil look! Also the T-shirt turned out really well.

btw just posted the beginnings of a plot on the Develop your story thread

http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,11008.0.html

please check it out, would love to hear your opinion, especially art-wise as I have no idea what I am looking for there...

4428
Develop Your Story / Public Enemy No.2 - REWRITE (Chapter 2 v3.0)
« on: May 08, 2014, 01:31:29 PM »
Hi people!

This is my first project, I will develop the chapters and plot on this thread and aim to post them under "Manga Creations" when they are finished. Please give good feedback and keep an eye out for updates and new chapters. I ask that people please respect my intellectual property and not copy or repost my idea and writing without my consent, thank you.




MANGA TITLE:   PUBLIC ENEMY NO.2

GENRES:   [Action], Comedy, Crime, [possible Slice-of-Life]

PLOT SUMMARY:

Set in 1930's America during the great depression, John Dillinger (Dillinger) has become Public Enemy No.1, with a reported life of crime and recently stealing 10 000 dollars from a bank transport after being let out on parole.

This, however, has made life increasingly difficult for Dayton Ohio average-man John Dillinger (John), who, for sharing the name of Ohio's most wanted, is unable to get a job, get a mortgage to move out and escape his nagging mother, and get a girlfriend.

One day, after being turned down for a mortgage by the local bank in Dayton and with nothing left to lose, John decides to live up to his name and rob the bank. Turns out he is fairly proficient in the art of crime, with a brilliant mind for observation, planning and execution, and everything is going well until... Enter Dillinger, self-proclaimed criminal mastermind and overconfident goofball, with the intention of being "the greatest bank thief in history", who ends up drawing all attention to John and ruining his plan. The two bail from the bank and, after introductions revealing Dillinger to actually be a terrible criminal, they team up.

And so begins John's new life of crime and adventure, helping Dillinger to fulfil his dream whilst forming a gang and meeting old acquaintances and rivals, planning and pulling heists and bank robberies, escaping prisons and the beginnings of the FBI.



Here I will post my written plots by chapter. They will be updated as I amend them according to feedback and my own general OCDs. I will show the version of the chapter draft being presented - whole number represents major plot changes and point number represents minor changes within a vastly similar plot. Finished Chapters I will post in the Manga creations section.

PUBLIC ENEMY NO.2 - CHAPTER 1 - VERSION 2.2 - “I Came Out Bitter Toward Everything In General”

Spoiler


[Newspaper front pages from 1923 – 1933 detailing crimes throughout the year of the elusive John Dillinger. Great depression, Stolen sports car and young man runs, Navy Seaman jumps ship, Failed robbery of a Grocer, Thief put away, Bank robbery.]


Scene – Dark room:


The last paper is read by a silhouetted man, who tosses it down onto the table. He leans back in a tall-backed armchair with his fingers together, striking a calculating pose. He tilts his head, his gaze falling on a baseball jersey framed on the wall.

[Focus in on the large “1” printed on the shirt]


Scene – Bank in Dayton, Ohio:


[Large words read “PUBLIC ENEMY NO. 1”]

A wanted poster is being held up by a bank clerk as she scrupulously compares the vague picture of wanted criminal John Dillinger to the man that stands nervously in front of her.

He is slumped in his neat, dark suit; an un-buttoned blazer worn over a fastened waistcoat, white shirt and dark patterned tie. He has a trench coat slung over his left arm and is clenching his fedora in front of his chest.



“Hmmm… you don’t photograph very well…”


Sweating slightly, he straightens up, running a hand through his backwards-pointing, dark hair in stress. His hand comes to rest behind his head, and with a nervous laugh, the man replies,


“I… I told you… that isn’t me…”


She looks down at the identification documents strewn out on her desk in front of her and reads,


“Jonathan Dillinger… that’s your name right? So tell me, why is your name on a wanted poster?”


The clerk brandishes the piece of paper. The man, John, wails and his greyish-blue eyes well up,


“BUT THAT’S A DIFFERENT JOHN DILLINGER!!! HE DOESN’T EVEN LOOK ANYTHING LIKE ME!!!”

“Hmmmmmm…”


Scene – outside of the bank:


John leaves the bank gloomily staring down at a paper, which reads: “MORTGAGE DENIED”


He sobs,


“I’ll never be able to escape that old hag…”


He begins remembering numerous scenes of his witch of a mother’s reactions [Panel per scene, she always says “I will not have you be like that man!”] to when he asked to borrow money, when he was unable to get a job, when he lost his apartment and had to move back in, and when he came home from a failed date; All because he shares the name of a wanted criminal.


John’s stomach groans. Sheepishly he pulls his wallet from his inside jacket pocket. It’s empty.


Scene – Small diner:


The door’s rusty bell clinks as John enters. The diner’s owner: a tall, stocky, yet friendly black man, is standing behind the counter drying up a spatula and acknowledges John with a smile and a nod.

As John slumps into a seat the owner tosses his towel onto his shoulder.



“The usual?”

“Please…”

“And I assume you can’t pay this time either?”


John looks over with a defeated expression and shrugs as if to say, “what did you expect”. The owner simply chuckles and hums merrily as he begins throwing food onto the griddle. John leans forward, plunking his head on the table and covering it with his hands, attempting to hide from his misfortunes, as he grumbles to himself.

A couple of minutes later, his meal is ready. The owner brings it over, the aromas of hot, fried food stirring John from his misery. John leans back as the owner places the plate in front of him.



“Here you go!”


The rumbling of John’s stomach is out of control as he marvels and salivates at the sight of the fried eggs, toasted bread, sizzling bacon and baked beans.


“Oh boy that smells good!”

“Well, this may become a rarity unless I can find a place to buy eggs, soon my menu’s going to be reduced to nothing but soup…”

“That’ll be a darn shame…”


He is only half paying attention as he tucks his napkin into his shirt collar snatches up his cutlery. However, he is snapped out of his food fixation as the radio switches over to a news report.

“Reports of sightings of merciless criminal and Public Enemy Number One Jonathan Dillininger have had Dayton Police on high alert for the last fortnight after the thief turned his attentions to bank robbery. Dillinger made off with no less than 10 000 US dollars right out the back of an armored courier vehicle during his parole in an incident that landed the driver in hospital with a gunshot wound. Be advised that Dillinger should be considered armed and dangerous and if sighted should be reported to police immediately…”

John lets out a deep, depressive sigh.


“Looks like my life won’t be getting easier any time soon…”


The owner whips the towel off of his shoulder and begins wiping his hands.


“He makes it seem so easy, in these times I’m surprised more people haven’t tried.”

“He’s led a life of crime that’s made him reckless and fearless, he was just lucky he didn’t get caught this time.”


John is slumped, elbow on the table, head held up by the hand clenched around his fork squished into his cheek, vacantly stabbing the yolk of his egg with his knife.


“This name’s brought me no such luck…”


The owner pouts and shrugs.


“How hard could it be?”


The owner asked this rhetorically but John puts his cutlery down and leans back in his chair, looking at the ceiling and ponders. He casts his mind back to the bank he was in earlier on that day.


“Well… the bank this morning only had one guard, and he is often easily distracted (by the behinds of women). He stands in front of an unlocked door that leads to behind the clerks’ desk, which is otherwise fronted by iron bars. The clerks are always tired, uninterested and sluggish. There are two telephones, one on the wall in the lobby and one in the manager’s office, which could be used to call the police. The manager’s office is in a back room that is roughly 20 paces behind the desk. The police station is 4 blocks away, with clear roads that’s about 6 minutes until the cops surround the building once they have been called, but the only way in and out is through the front door as the back is always locked…" [Panels to show the various observations from John’s point of view from where he was standing in the bank previously]


He traces with his finger on the table.


“So the best way to do things would be by keeping a low profile. You’d need to get behind the desk to get at the money, which would require getting the guard away from the door with a distraction. The clerks aren’t likely to notice or be suspicious, especially with how loud and busy the banks get nowadays, and they will always be grateful to get away from the desk. You could probably just take over their position for a few minutes, grab some cash and walk right out the front door without anyone even noticing.” [Panels showing blueprint styled plan playing out]


The owner is standing with his arms crossed and with a raised eyebrow.


“With a mind like that, who needs luck!?”


John just sits there staring at the tabletop where he had been tracing with his finger. The owner turns to head back to the kitchen.


“Don’t let that get cold now, you tab’s up to 200 bucks!”


John falls off his chair.


“WHAT!?!?!”


Scene – On the street outside the same bank from earlier that day:


John trudges past the bank on his way home. He takes a moment to gaze up at the entrance: a large doorway that is atop a short flight of steps, a large semi-circular window above that and the large sign reading “DAYTON CITY BANK” close to the top of the building. The inside seems bustling.


“Who needs luck huh?...”


Scene – inside the Dayton City Bank lobby:


John leans against the wall in the corner of the room evaluating the situation. As expected the guard is in the opposite corner by the door with his eyes darting around, however instead of searching for potential criminal activity it is obvious he is more interested in scouting for pretty women.

The room is crowded and busy, with dozens of Dayton citizens, worried about the safety of their hard earned money, barging past one another to catch the attention of one of the clerks. However, John has set his sights on a man carrying an umbrella tucked underneath his arm with the hooked handle protruding out behind him, and a lady standing next to him daintily holding a clutch-purse under her arm.



“Perfect”


He strides forwards, barging into the woman and knocking he purse on the floor. As she quickly bends down to chase after the spillage John grabs the shoulder of the man with the umbrella and spins him around. The handle catches on the woman’s dress lifting it above her waste. The woman lets out a shriek and the guard, who is eager to catch a closer glimpse of the commotion and her underwear, frantically wades his way through the crowd to where she is. By the time the guard has managed to gawk and begin helping the lady find and collect her belongings, John has managed to slip through the door to the desk un-noticed.


Scene - inside the Dayton City Bank, behind the desk:


John keeps an eye on the crowd through the iron bars as he moves just off in the wings behind the clerks. The whirring and chiming of the cash registers periodically pierces through the rumble of the crowd. At the position closest to him he sees the familiar face of the clerk from earlier, as she re-stocks her machine with freshly delivered bills.

John clears his throat and lowers his voice,


“The manager’s asking for you, take five then go and see him, I’ll cover for you here.”

“That old pervert… what does he want now…?”


She turns abruptly and paces down the corridor. John watches as she walks past the manager’s office door towards the staff room, before turning back and taking in the sight of the open cash register and stacks of bills. His moment is interrupted however as an old lady slams a sheet of paper in front of him under the bars.


“I FILLED IN YER DAMNED PAPER, NOW GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY!”


John is taken aback, sweating a little.


“Heck, who is robbing who here…?”


He smiles and takes the form


“Oh dear! But this is the wrong form! Let me get you the right one, I know they are around her somewhere…”


He ducks down behind the desk and takes the opportunity to discretely stuff stacks of bank notes into his pockets while pretending to rummage around for a form.


“Blast! I can’t find them, let me go and fetch my colleague, she’ll be able to help you.”


And with that, John slinks away back to the door to leave the desk area, constantly peering over to check that the little old lady is no longer glaring at him.


“Well… that went well!”


He can see the guard is busy flirting unsuccessfully with the woman from earlier and so swiftly exits to the lobby.


Scene - inside the Dayton City Bank lobby:


John briskly makes his way through the crowd in the bank, holding his rather full suit Jacket together with one hand. After making it past where the guard is chatting the mass of people gives way to the home straight leading to the open doors of the bank entrance.

He puts on his overcoat as he walks. He can taste the fresh air and feel the breeze from outside. 5 paces… 4 paces… 3… 2…


“CRRRRAAAAASSSSSHHHHH!”


John stops in his tracks and the room goes silent. Everyone peers upwards as glass rains down from the large semi-circular window above the entrance doors. Standing on the ledge, dark trench-coat over blue suit billowing behind him, poses a man holding the front tip of his hat so as to cast shadow on his face.

John knows immediately.



“Dillinger…”




PUBLIC ENEMY NO.2 - CHAPTER 2 - VERSION 3.0 - “They're Not Going To Get Me.”

Spoiler

Scene: Inside the Dayton City Bank lobby, John is close to the entrance/exit.


Everyone in the room stares in stunned silence as the shattered glass dances to the ground [Slow motion], waiting in apprehension for the man on the ledge to do something. And he does; he takes off his hat, and letting go of the rope that he evidently swung in on, he spreads his arms and takes an extravagant bow… and in doing so loses balance and falls, directly on top of John.

John struggles to sit up, in pain, shock and stupor, unable to compute quite what just happened. Then the clerk from earlier shrieks,



“OH! OH LORD! IT’S JOHN DILLINGER!”

“Well obviously…”



But as John turns his head to face the gasps of the crowd and the chattering bank staff he realizes that the clerk’s finger is being pointed directly at him.


“WAIT… WHA?... YOU’RE POINTING AT ME EVEN WHEN HE IS HERE NEXT TO ME!?”


John motions over at Dillinger who is already standing, paying no attention to the commotion in the room, investigating the broken window up above and is seemingly reviewing his own botched entrance.

However, John’s comment does little to sway the judgmental stares of the mob as he is betrayed by a stack of bills falling out from his coat pocket, bouncing down to land beside him on top his hat on the floor.

John looks down at the incriminating piece of evidence in horror. He begins shaking his head and waving his hands in protest.


“W… WAIT! Nonononono!”


But John’s protests fall on deaf ears and the guard points over to the lobby phone while wading through the cluster of people towards him, drawing his baton.


“Someone call the police!”


Both John and Dillinger flinch as the bank’s alarm bell pierces the muttering in the room. John scrambles to his feet.


“Time to go…”


Before the guard can reach them, the pair hurry out of the front door, John stretching back to sweep up his hat.


Scene: The streets of Dayton


The guard keeps up the chase as John and Dillinger sprint away down the street, barging past unsuspecting Dayton locals. As they run, John repeatedly looks over at Dillinger. He is still unable to quite take in the situation he is now in and facing the man that has caused him so much grief.


“What on earth is happening…?”


As the sirens begin to sound off in the distance, the situation begins to sink in. John looks at his watch, [It reads 5:27pm]


“Less than three minutes until they catch up…”


He looks around, as he runs, trying to conjure up an escape plan. The guard had fallen so far behind now that he was no longer a problem, but out in the open on the streets it was only a matter of time before he would be cornered with nowhere to hide.

His eyes darted all over the place: Alleys,



“No good, too obvious and leading to dead ends…”


Shops,


“I’d be too conspicuous…”


Then out of the corner of his eye he notices the huge smile on Dillinger’s face.


“Is he enjoying this!?”


Suddenly a car, packed and covered with policemen and sirens whirring, screeches around a bend into the side road they were just crossing.


“Time’s up…”


Dillinger then looks John’s way for the first time. The two lock eyes as they run,


“He has brown eyes! How do people keep mistaking me for him!?”


Then Dillinger flashes him a challenging grin.

But before John can interpret what Dillinger is expecting of him, Dillinger, who is not looking where he is going, runs face-first into a crate of liquor bottles being unloaded from a truck by two large workmen. One of the many bottles erupting from the top of the crate lands it’s way into Dillinger’s hands as he twirls away in dizziness, grabbing a man that has just left the bar expecting the delivery.

The pair stagger into the road, Dillinger brandishing the bottle, and the Police car, which had just turned the corner swerves around them and stalls. One of the policemen who had been holding onto the car exterior jumps off to herd the two men off of the street. The driver raises a fist out of the window and grumbles at the drunkards in the street before starting off again.

As he continues to run from the pursuing car, John peers behind him at Dillinger, who slumps onto a bench across the street.



“Well… that’s one way to blend in…”


John’s eyes widen. He looks down at his suit and Jacket and the hat in his left hand, then twists his wrist to check the time again.


“That’s it!”


He reaches the end of the road, which is a T-Junction. Looking up he sees what he wanted to: tram lines. He stands at the street corner, nervously tapping his foot and checking his watch, as he watches the police car get closer and closer.

The car pulls up and empties, policemen slowly and carefully pacing forward towards a man they believe to be a dangerous criminal. Their hands hover over the holsters to their sidearms.

Seeing this, John takes a step back, but then stops as a tram whirrs to a halt behind him. He is positioned directly in front of the doors. He places his hat on his head and pulls the front tip down as the doors open. Before the police can make their move the carriage empties and dozens of businessmen, on their way home from work and all dressed in similar attire to John, spill out onto the street.

John is indistinguishable from the crowd, melting away and disappearing as the police wade in to try to identify him.
[Panel shows an aerial shot of the street corner]


Scene: An alleyway in Dayton as John makes his way home


“Damn… I wish I hadn’t run so far away…”


John trudges through the narrow pass slowly, the sirens had stopped a while ago so he no longer felt the need to hug the walls and peek around corners, but he was still conscious of his surroundings. And he walks he pulls an exasperated and disgusted look.


“I can’t believe I spent so long sneaking around only to end up with the worst tail in the state…”


Behind him Dillinger stalks down the alley obnoxiously, attempting to be sly and professional: slinking along the walls, rolling from side to side, hiding behind bins. But he manages to make a ton of noise as he goes, knocking into the bins, stepping on glass and getting paper stuck to his foot.

Near the end of the alleyway John stops and sighs, considering what to make of this completely conspicuous attempt to lurk. Dillinger uses this chance to advance and stretches out a hand for John’s coat pocket.


[“THWACK!”]


Dillinger pinches his nose and tilts his head back, trying to stop the flow of blood.


“You didn’t have to go and hit me!”


John is leaning against the alley wall, head down, fist pressed against his forehead in frustration.


“It’s not like I can take you to the police… they’d still arrest me even if I served you to them on a silver platter…”


Dillinger just shrugs,


“I tell you what though, you sure have some moves! I mean, your getaway wasn’t as successful as mine… and that was awkward back at the bank wasn’t it!?”


John snaps, grabbing Dillinger by the lapels


“Awk… AWKWARD!? YOU RUINED EVERYTHING! I WAS ABOUT TO GET AWAY CLEAN, WITHOUT ANYONE…”


The pair freeze as a policeman walks by the end of the alley. As he looks out onto the street, John and Dillinger’s eyes never leave him. Just as he is about to turn around to check out the alleyway, a dirt-covered kid knocks past him, running away brandishing a stolen stick of bread. With a blow of his whistle the policeman immediately gives chase. Both John and Dillinger sigh in relief, able to breath again, before the onslaught continues.


“WITHOUT ANYONE EVEN NOTICING, AND THEN YOU BURST IN, FALL ON ME AND I GET CHASED HALF WAY ACROSS TOWN BY AN OVERWEIGHT GUARD WITH A LARGE CLUB!”

“Doesn’t sound so bad…”



John lets go of Dillinger and slumps down against the wall, sitting and hanging his head,


“Now I really am John Dillinger the criminal…”


Dillinger, now sitting on a bin playing around with his fedora, looks down at John, pondering,


[Quietly to himself] John Dillinger huh…”


Dillinger throws on his hat and, grabbing the bin lid in between his legs with both hands, swivels round to face John in one swift motion. Leaning forward, Dillinger stares inquisitively.


“So how did you do it!?”


John peers up, confused.


“What?”


Dillinger leaps forward and begins clambering all over John, uncovering all of the money in his pockets.


“How did you steal all of this cash!?”


John cannot believe what he his seeing and hearing.


“You’re the master criminal, what are you asking me for!? I barely made it out with 500 bucks, I bet that you could make it out with 100 times that easily with a reputation like yours, didn’t you just steal 10 000 from a transport just last week?”


Dillinger looks away in shame, poking his fingers together,


“…Well… I… Didn’t actually manage to steal any of that money…”


“Wha… WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU “didn’t actually manage to steal any of that”!?”



John looks up at Dillinger, perplexed and in disbelief.


“Well… I had been following the money for ages, but could never quite get to it… [scenes of Dillinger attempting to swipe the money case and failing] So I decided to take a break for a day, I needed to go choose a casket for my mother see…”


John’s expression changes to one that is wary as much as it is puzzled,


“Where are you going with this…?”

“Turned out, the courier vehicle made a stop off at a small holding bank right next door to the funeral parlour I was visiting! It pulled up right behind me as I was admiring a lovely casket in the back of the parlour’s Hearse. One of the guards was in the back of the vehicle calling for the other to help unload. Now, I’m not one for planning…”

“Obviously…”

“…So I thought I’d just go with it! I impersonated the guards partner and told him to chuck it out to me, and he did! The case flew out, hit me right on the head, and knocked me senseless!”



John raises one eyebrow,


“Why do you sound so proud…?”


Dillinger ignores him and continues to divulge


“The case bounced right into the empty open casket in the back of the Hearse behind me, closing the lid behind it. The Funeral director and his driver came out to check that I was ok, getting me to my feet, but they must have been in a hurry because they rushed into the car and drove away leaving behind the directors suitcase, which just so happened to be exactly the same as the courier’s case! I guess the guard must have thought I was running off with their money as I gave chase down the road…”


Dillinger pauses to consider that theory, then shrugs,


“Oh well, bet that was one happy funeral!”


He laughs, but John does not, staring at Dillinger blankly, almost appalled.


“I. Don’t. Believe it… you must be the worst criminal ever…!”

“Well…”



Dillinger looks hurt


“…it sure could be more profitable with someone with your skills around…”


He then perks up


“I KNOW! How about you come and work with me!?”


Dillinger springs up and extends a hand down to John, who is sat looking up at him. With the light from the setting sun shining behind him in between the two tall buildings either side of the alley, Dillinger looks somewhat majestic.


[Pause]


“No.”


Dillinger falls over from crushed expectations as John starts walking away.


“W.W.W…Wait! Where are you going!?

“Home!... I’m… late…”



John stops dead in his tracks, imagining a frightful homecoming to his livid mother: “You rotten child, I did everything I could yet you still became that blasted man!”, “A criminal! I’ve raised a criminal!”, “You rob a bank but you can’t even manage to give me grandchildren!?”


“…on second thought…”



PUBLIC ENEMY NO. 2 - CHAPTER 3 - VERSION 1.1

Spoiler
Chapter 3:

Scene – in a downtown bar in Indianapolis


In a dark, smokey bar, a man his hunched on a bar stool, he takes a puff on his cigar and chuckles.

“Long time no see Johnnie, heh heh” he croakes.

He finishes of his scotch and pushes the glass away with a newspaper. The headline reads “DILLINGER VISITS DAYTON BANK – and makes a small withdrawal”


Scene – Dayton, Ohio on the roof of a town building


“How much longer are you gonna sit there thinking? Lets go already!”

Dillinger is standing, leaning forward on the brick wall at the edge of the roof, looking across the road at the State Bank’s Dayton branch. Meanwhile, John is sitting with his head in his hands.

“There are 3 banks in Dayton. The first, the Dayton City Bank, is now crawling with security after our little run in a week ago. And the second…” John lies back “Well yesterday didn’t really go as planned, did it…?”

Flashback to the day before


Scene - Dayton Lending society building


Standing just outside the doors.

“O.k. here we go, just try not to draw too much attention to yourself.”

“You forget that I will be the greatest bank thief ever, this will be a piece of cake!”

4 minutes later, top-corner down view of the bank: The bank is a state. The guard lays dazed on top of a pile of people that used to be the queue, the clerks have shut the desk and all the bankers are peering out of their offices hiding behind the doors, a woman sits on the ground flustered and covering her cleavage, a disgruntled businessman is in a rage, shaking his fist, potted plants are knocked over, money is all over the floor. In the middle of it all stands John, looking rather angry, and Dillinger, covered head to toe in belongings that aren’t his – A coat that’s way too big, a top hat, a cane and an extravagant necklace – looking very bemused.

John knocks the top hat of Dillinger’s head

“I said, don’t draw too much attention to yourself…”

Dillinger removes the rest of the items and proceeds to whistle as they walk out the building.


Scene - Dayton, Ohio on the roof of a town building


“That woman sure was pretty, she had a nice smile…”

“Yeah, and I’m sure that’s not the only thing you found ‘nice’ about her.” John pictures a scene of Dillinger wrapped in the woman’s necklace, whilst still around her neck, face first in her cleavage.

“My face still hurts from where she slapped me…” Dillinger rubs his cheek.

John sits up. “Well, the State Bank is our last chance to make it out with some serious cash to fund our little prison break… So lets make sure that we plan this out and do it properly…”

“Wow you can really see the whole town from up here” Says Dillinger as he stands up on the ledge of the roof behind John (looking away from the bank).

“Could you please focus for one… wait! Get away from…” But before he can finish Dillinger falls off, crashing through the scaffolding on the side of the building that they had used to climb up, throwing paint and planks up in the air.

John rushes to the side of the building and stares down. Down in the alley, in a pile of wood and metal and ladders lies Dillinger, obviously in pain, covered in paint. John shouts down to him.

“Are you O…” But trails off as he looks more closely, he begins to slowly walk away, deep in thought, “Hmmm his sewing will come in handy…”

(From Dillinger’s perspective – As John walks away on the roof he extends a crooked, paint-covered hand up with a groan.)


Scene – 6 days later - Dayton, Ohio, on the street near the State Bank.


“I painted the apartment myself you know!” exclaims Dillinger, hobbling slightly as the two of them walk down the street carrying a ladder between the two of them and a few paint tins and brushes and a couple of canvas sheets. They are dressed in decorator’s outfits – white T-shirts, tucked into loose fitting trousers and low hanging dungarees. “This time it took me half as long to make the outfit,” he says proudly.

“Just let me do the talking… If I’m right, today should be the manager’s day off… we have to make sure that we get into the vault… I can get us close, so just stay quiet and do as I say.” However John cannot hide how impressed he is with how convincing they looked.

They walk up the steps and struggle through the doorway.


Scene – inside the State Bank.


The bank is larger than the previous two, and whereas the other banks had holding rooms behind the clerks’ desk for their cash, The State Bank proudly displayed their large, top of the range bank vault on the back wall. Doors to offices line the left-hand wall, a bustling seating area is arranged in the front-right corner by the entrance, and the clerks’ cashier desk runs the length of the right-hand wall and round the corner towards the vault. The room is bright, and has very few places to stay out of sight. Two guards watch over the room from the left-hand corners.

A tall suited man approaches the two of them, who are gazing around wide-eyed looking rather out of place.

“Ahem, can I help you gentlemen? You don’t seem as if you have come to make a withdrawal?” He says, almost looking down his nose at them.

John bites back a twinge of annoyance. “We have come to do some decorating of the back wall there.” Pointing behind the man.

The man turns his head almost a full 180 degrees to observe a pristinely painted wall, John sweats slightly behind him wondering if he will buy it.

“Hmmm I’m the banks assistant manager today and this is the first I have heard about this, are you sure you are in the right building?… I don’t think…”

“Damn” thinks John.

“Good sir!” Exclaims Dillinger in a rather over expressive tone of voice.

“DAMN!” thinks John.

“We have carried this stuff a hell of a way, and we are not leaving un…”

The man’s head snaps back round, scaring both John and Dillinder.

John steps back in.

“unLESS… unless you want us to charge you for the time you have wasted. And then you’ll have to explain to your boss why his wall is not the colour he ordered, and then explain to him why he has to pay us a second time two weeks down the line when he calls us back to do it then! Perhaps he’ll take it out of your… ahem… hard earned salary… hmmm (peering at name tag) Michael?”

A ponderous look comes across Michael’s face. Holding his head even higher and looking down his nose even more, with a slight tone of disgust and defeat he says,

“Alright then, come on through, but stay quiet and out of the way! Get a move on already, the sooner you are out of here the better!”

The two of them breathe a sigh of relief and carry the equipment to the back wall. They lay out a canvas sheet and prop up the ladder on the wall next to the vault.

“I want to go up the ladder! Please!” says Dillinger like an excited puppy

“Ok” says John still amazed they had survived this long. He holds the ladder as Dillinger clambers up taking up a couple of tins of paint, which are hung at the top rung of the ladder, all the while john is scanning his surroundings. When he is convinced the ladder is stable, John picks up a tin of paint and pries it open whilst taking note of the guard in the corner that had not looked away from them since they entered.

“We won’t make it inside at this rate with him there…” he thinks as he dunks his brush into the tin and takes a stroke at the wall. His eyes then bulge as he realizes he has just painted a bright green stripe on the clean white wall. He looks up and nearly squeals as he sees Dillinger going to town in bright pink. He just tries to make it look as if they know what they are doing.

30 minutes later, the wall is looking very colourful and has become the topic of conversation for many of the banks’ customers. John is finishing up his bottom corner of the wall when the Assistant manager walks up to the vault. He inserts his key and unlocks the huge steel door. Pulling the door back to open it he knocks the leg of Dillinger’s ladder. Everyone watches as the ladder slowly spins and loses balance. Dillinger holding of for dear life hops backwards several times on the upright ladder.

“WHOOOOAAAAAA!!!” he cries and he hops backwards with less and less control, paint flying everywhere out of the tins at the top.

Everyone’s attention is firmly on Dillinger and not getting splattered - even the guards, and John uses this moment to sneak inside the vault carrying a few supplies and a canvas sheet.

“Bingo!” he thinks as he sneaks into the corner behind the door and takes a moment to admire the bags of money piled high in the vault. More crying is heard through the open vault door, “He really is something else…”

Dillinger is doing his very best to balance on the ladder, it’s not moving anymore but it is fairly wobbly. But then just as he thinks it’s over, the ladder slowly begins to tilt forward, more and more until CRASH! Dillinger falls straight forward through the open vault door.

John is shocked. Dillinger is painfully looking up at him as John conspicuously holds 2 large money-bags. John looks back at him, then at the masses of paint now coating half of the vault, and then towards the door, then wide-eyed back at Dillinger.

“Are you alright!?” shouts in a clerk as John scurries off to the corner.

“Uuuuuuurrrrrghhhhhh” moans Dillinger as they pick him up and help him out of the vault. Revealing a canvas-covered mound in the corner as they leave – covering John, who is trying not to hyperventilate.

John peaks out from under the canvas and checks that the coast is clear, before quietly standing up and peering round the door. He calls out to Michael, who looks fit to explode,

“I’ll tidy the mess up in here, and then finish up the wall, we’ll be out of your hair before you know it…” He looks down at the pool of paint and the two empty tins.

An hour later, Dillinger has just about recovered in the seating area, when John comes over.

“Ready to get out of here? Can you give me a hand with all the stuff?”

Dillinger slowly gets up. They gather everything up hanging a large canvas sheet like a bag on the ladder that they are carrying between them. They head towards the doors.

“WAIT!” They stop dead in their tracks. A guard strolls over, eying them suspiciously.

“Is… everything alright sir…?” asks John, stiffening, Looking at Dillinger, ready to run.

The guard takes out his baton and opens up the canvas hanging from the ladder. It reveals a multitude of sticky paint brushes and paint stained cloths.

“Hmmm I think I did an alright job cleaning up my colleagues mess… Michael!” He calls over to the man looking a little more deflated now, “I tell you what, for your troubles, this one’s on the house!” After a quick poke around in the canvas the guard seems satisfied and they stroll out the doors.

X-ray of inside the paint tins shows bags of money stuffed inside each. The two of them run happily down the street, jumping for joy (until Dillinger’s back starts hurting again).

Cut to next day when the manager enters to find a paint splattered bank with a disgustingly painted back wall.

“We did it! We actually robbed a bank!!!”




NOTES:

Spoiler
So just a few things to clarify,

The idea is simple, John starts as a normal guy, but because of his name ends up in a life of crime and actually is pretty good at it. He is the cool young main, with modesty on the surface but self confidence in his abilities. Dillinger, reported as a criminal, actually sucks at crime, but has a dream to be the best. He is kinda goofy and clumsy and loud, but the gang want to work with him (he pulls everyone together and makes them work well). The two team up and have a comedic dynamic, with John planning and doing everything well and Dillinger messing things up, but in the end they become a successful and revered gang.

This is not meant to be historically accurate. It is a work of fiction in which i am interjecting satires of real events and caricatures of real people etc. I want there to be some accuracies, and for things to follow similar chronology, but I am not too worried about it being correct. I am also changing some character's stories a little to make a better story.

There is a fairly large cast, 7 or 8 excluding John and Dillinger in the gang, a mentor character, an old rival or 2, rival gangs (haven't planned much on them yet though), and Melvin Purvis in the start of the FBI and a couple of police detectives and prison wardens. I may have to make Bonnie and Clyde passing characters that come in and out of the gang depending on the job just to make things more manageable.

I HAVE NO ART ATM. In fact i have very little idea of anything on the art side of things. Character-wise I was thinking that john would look a little similar to Pheonix Wright maybe... but other than that I got nothing. I know that I don't want Dillinger to look realistic as in his real life mug-shots. I was toying with the idea of him being chibi-esque, but i have changed my mind, just young and a bit goofy. In terms of general art style maybe something along the lines of Baccano??? I know I will know what art i am looking for when I see it.



Hope you enjoy, and I'll try to post more chapters soon. Please be firm but fair in your criticism, like I said I am not professional, but I would love to hear what people think. Safe to say I don't think I'd make a great bank thief, but I do have better ideas for future plans John comes up with, and I can also emulate some of the real life heists once more characters come into play.

Thanks

NO1SEY

4429
Suggestions And Feedback / Re: New MR Slogan
« on: May 08, 2014, 12:45:28 PM »
If I were to vote on what's there I'd go with "Manga Artists & Writers Commiunity" because that is what MR is to the best of my understanding???

But what about something along the lines of:

The Creative Manga Community

Bringing Mangakas together - (I know we aren't proper mangakas...)

Facilitating Manga Creation

or working with what Kage suggested - Mastering Manga since 2007

Just some more suggestions if people are still looking

4430
Develop Your Story / Re: Ginger's Writing Projects
« on: May 08, 2014, 08:53:11 AM »
It depends what you are in the mood for, I like both :)

And Ginger is a capable writer, I'm sure he can make a lighthearted story out of a concept like that. And you can make a depressing story with straight shooters too.

4431
Naruto Manga / Re: Naruto + 6 paths Sage mode=god
« on: May 08, 2014, 08:45:24 AM »
Edo tensei was a bit rough and not all that well thought out... but excusable...

I don't watch the anime - i tried to excluding the filler episodes, but i dont have the patience for it.

And Manga and Anime is so much personal preference. It's fine if you like Bleach, or any series, but it's good that you accept it's faults.

4432
Naruto Manga / Re: Latest Naruto Manga chapter
« on: May 08, 2014, 08:38:51 AM »
Naruto wouldn't let him die, and that would have been a large ball of hope dangled at readers (with the restoration of kekashi's eye) only for him to be killed...

4433
Naruto Manga / Re: Latest Naruto Manga chapter
« on: May 08, 2014, 08:37:30 AM »
Probably right about a big resurrection... or he just can't bring back the dead, only stop the dying from dying (if chakra related). either way like I said, I don't mind. AS LONG AS IT ENDS PROPERLY.

If they turn around and do a Bleach, and make up another story or enemy and effectively start all over again it will piss me off.

I think Sakura will have a few pages showing off at some point, but you are right Naruto and Sasuke are definitely stealing a lot of the spotlight. But again I don't mind. Like earlier in the battle, when they were going all over the battlefield to all of the more minor character's fights. It was cool to see what they could do, but all I really cared about was what Naruto would do when he arrived and what side Sasuke would choose.

People like to think a lot about these long standing mangas, but my advice is to just sit back and relax and watch things play out, I think it's more enjoyable that way. By all means grow attachments to characters and opinions of them though, each to there own. But I've been reading Naruto for 8 or 9 years now and I'm happy with it.

4434
Manga Talk / Re: what manga are u reading now?
« on: May 08, 2014, 08:24:42 AM »
Aside from the usual suspects...

Shokugeki no Soma - its about cooking and its really entertaining

Noblesse - thought it would be like twilight, pleasantly surprised to find out I was wrong

World Trigger - Simple shounen, fairly fun

Bullet armours - another shounen and pretty cool concept

Rex fabula - fairly new and obscure, interesting concept... but on track to be really really short...


But seriously, Read Katekyo Hitman Reborn! and Shaman King. SO SO GOOD!

4435
Naruto Manga / Re: Latest Naruto Manga chapter
« on: May 08, 2014, 08:15:23 AM »
Wanting to see Sakura die is a bit extreme...

Although it would probably be a good plot device to get Naruto and Sasuke to work even harder together to carry on her will kinda thing...

But it won't happen.

Also she isn't thaaaat useless and in the end they are going to all be friends and it'll be a happy and satisfying anding. Don't know what to think of the love interests but I don't care about that all too much.

I just want to see how badass everyone gets trying to beat up madara - (I am definitely still a kid at heart :))

4436
Naruto Manga / Re: Naruto + 6 paths Sage mode=god
« on: May 08, 2014, 08:10:55 AM »
I had to reminisce with the team 7 training reference though  ;D

I do feel like the whole Madara getting both eyes thing is just a way to extend the series more than an actual plot development... but Naruto has been like that the whole way through: Enemies get stronger, Naruto Has to find a way to get stronger (even if it's just a stupid unexplained power spike but that didn't happen often) and then everyone else sees Naruto getting stronger so they all inexplicably do too.

But you know what, I don't even freakin mind at all, because reading the last several weeks chapters all I can think is "Wow, they are Badass!"

And that's all there is too it, there are better mangas than Naruto, One Piece, Fairy Tail and definitely Bleach (only read that because I've read so much already and the artwork is great), but I get a lot of enjoyment - childish or not - out of reading them. So Madara, you get more powerful because it the end you will just get beat by a Super Toad, Snake, Slug, Chidori, Mega Punch Rasengan... And it will be glorious :P

4437
That's fair enough, I'll wait for the next one :)

4438
Manga Art Gallery / Re: NO1SEY Artwork
« on: May 07, 2014, 05:56:27 PM »
Whoa! I thought you said you retired. Good stuff Noisey! The hair styles are slick, and I like the dude with the fire sphere in his hands, nice action pose and clean lines.  What's that wrecked sign trying to say by the way? Dead... ?

Cheers! Yeah I retired from art for now... not enough time for me to improve to a standard that I want. These are from a couple years back.

The sign is meant to say "DEAD" yeah... I obviously couldn't just name a junkyard that so I tried to come up with a Lengthier name that that included the letters in DEAD close enough together, that way I could have them fall away or break to leave only the desired letters... So the actual name was "MADE AND DONE" I think. This was artwork I attempted for an old manga idea about a small kid who lived in the yard becoming a Vault hunter and space exploration etc. it was a bit like borderlands. But I gave up on the idea when I read the first chapter of Bullet Armors... as my main character was going to have a robot arm... I may try and rework it in the future though.

Not bad artwork there amigo  :hmm: Good work!  :thumbsup:

Thanks :D

4439
Manga Art Gallery / Re: NO1SEY Artwork
« on: May 07, 2014, 05:14:25 PM »
missed one... awkward...

Spoiler

4440
Manga Art Gallery / NO1SEY's Artwork
« on: May 07, 2014, 05:13:28 PM »
Here are some of my old drawings that I have uploaded to deviantART... Just for the record I don't count myself as very good and I am looking for people more talented than I for art.

I don't plan on starting to draw again any time soon, especially not whilst focusing on uni and writing also. but if I find time I want to rewatch a lot of Mark Crilley vids and try to improve a little. I will post any future drawings/panels/pages on both deviantART and here.

please check out my writer's portfolio for more info about me, hopefully I will have some plots and scripts ready for posting soon.

http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,10988.0.html

Anyways please enjoy :)

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