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Topics - WhiteCrow

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61
Develop Your Story / G-X (Coming Soon)
« on: July 22, 2014, 12:28:13 AM »
"Fifteen years have passed since our worlds collided...much has changed, the planet they inhabit no longer belongs to them. I made a friend a promise... and I intend to keep it."

"We were bred for perfection, destined to be at the top of the Galactic food chain. Our future is within our grasp... we are prepared for greatness, and I will lead the charge."


... Coming soon ...

62
General Discussion / Just finished writing my first complete story.
« on: July 01, 2014, 08:01:08 PM »
So, I actually finished writing my story about 4 days ago, but I wanted to post this topic in the forum...

I have officially finished writing my story titled Goji, as a writer who has never finished any story before (I've jumped from story to story to story, all because I would think of a fresh new idea that couldn't be included in the previous one).

I feel a sense of accomplishment and achievement, and although I will admit that I need a small break, I can honestly say I feel inspired to finish the next one. So I wanna know, how did you guys feel when you typed/wrote the last word of your first completed story?

63
Develop Your Story / WhiteCrow's Current Story Ideas
« on: June 15, 2014, 02:29:14 AM »
Hello fellow Raiders! So I've seen on the forums that some awesome people, Ginger, Lorenx, Roshiro and many other of you awesome individuals have posted the topics that discuss and highlight stories that you are either thinking of or that are in development, so I wanted to try my hand in it and hopefully get some feedback.

IN DEVELOPMENT:

SOCIETY X:

Nyu Koji is an orphan who dreams of being someone important in the world along with his friends Hime and Kakan, one fateful day; Nyu accidently comes across a mask that gives him extraordinary power while simultaneously changing the lives of his and his friends forever.

Progress: Currently working on 1st story Arc, took time away from the project to work on the prequels to it.

GOJI:

Goji Kimosama is a blue collar hard working man who spends all his free time with his family; he has a day to day routine that he rarely deviates from; that is until he is approached by Yi; an alien who left his planet in search of help for his people.

Progress: Story is currently completely written, I have however only posted 10 of the 13 (including pro and epilogue) chapters, now that my internet is back up and running, Chapter 10 should be posted tomorrow. This is the 1st of a planned 4 prequel stories leading up to Society X.

BULLET TO THE HEAD

(This is a story that I am considering making a Raiders story)

A random amount of people (again, no set # because I am considering making it a Raiders story) wake up in different locations of a big city to find a cassette, cassette player, and a handgun with one bullet next to them.
The voice on the cassette informs them all that they've been chosen to take part in a social experiment, the single bullet each of them has, has the name of one of the other individuals engraved on it, it's their job to find and kill that person by putting the bullet through their head, if they succeed, they are promised an opportunity to increase their odds of surviving against their pursuer, but if they fail, then their death is almost guaranteed.

Progress:

Still in the planning phases, if I decided to make it a Raiders story then it will be driven by the choices made by those who participate, if not then I will commence writing shortly.

SHADOWS OF THE SUN:

Two brothers joined by love but separated by circumstance become involved in a Civil War that will determine the fate of their Society and their lives.

Progress:

This story has been posted as Snippet, I think I changed it to Society X advice, I did not add the brothers names because there was a situation where the beginning I had written appeared somewhere else, so for that reason I stress that the names of the brothers are not revealed at this time. Anywho, the 1st chapter is posted and I am currently 6 chapters in, I just have not chosen to post any yet. This is the 3rd of 4 prequel stories leading to Society X.


SOUL HUNTER D

Dezi is man driven by pain, guided towards becoming a Soul Hunter because of a traumatic event in his past, D spends his evenings retrieving stolen Souls and his days searching for answers.

Progress:

Chapter 1 is almost done, I'm very high on this story, though the description sounds simplistic, I find this project to be a very strong character driven story.


STILL ON THE DRAWING BOARD:

These are stories that are currently maybes for me, I have the ideas in my head but I'm not sure if I want to go through with them.

GOJI 2:

Obviously, the sequel to the Goji story arc, there is nothing that can be explained here because then I would be posting spoilers. However, the beginning, middle and end have already been established for this project, however I am not sure at this time if I will be bringing this story to light. If I do, it will be the 2nd of 4 prequel stories leading to Society X.

Progress:

Story concept written, no chapters done.

FATHERS OF SOCIETY:

The final prequel leading to Society X, this is the story that introduces us to the main component of Society X... The Masks and The Fathers of Society.

Progress:

This is going to happen, but because I only have the concept, I put it here. But, Fathers of Society is definitely going to happen. I just don't know when.



Alright, so those are all the stories I currently have in development, please feel free to give me your thoughts on them, I'd greatly appreciate it.

64
Asking my fellow Raiders, if they have the time, to please do me the honor of taking some time to read and review the 1st of the Society X Origins Series, whether its as a whole or individual chapters, doesn't matter. Just asking for some helpful tips and critique, I've received some great advice thus far and have done my best to implement what has been given to me, so again, if you find you have the time to skim through, please feel free to give your thoughts. Thank you very much and thank you for reading this.
 



Here is the Prologue, please share your opinions on it. And thank you as always.

PROLOGUE
Two tall individuals; one male; the other female, kneel inside a dark hut made of ice. The female stared at the entrance as she spoke to the male.

“It’s time Yinayo.” She said.

“I know.” He replied in somber tone.

“Then let us hurry.”

The woman began to walk off but Yinayo stood back.

“Mother – I have a question.”

“Yes?”

“Will I see you again?”


She put her hand on his cheek and looked him in the eyes.

“Of course you will.”

“Thank you.”
Yinayo replied, calmed by her words.

"They may not be true, but I can sense her confidence." he thought to himself.

“We need to leave now; the stars may never bless us with another chance like this.”

Yinayo nodded in agreement and stood up.

He and his mother stepped cautiously out of the hut; they surveyed the area and then stuck to the shadows as they ran to a large pillar about thirty yards away.

They arrived at the pillar and were greeted by a man who knelt deep in the shadows, the light of the moon revealed that his right arm was made of ice. Small portions of his piercing yellow eyes could be seen behind his long black hair.

“Ilka, you two are late.”
the man said.

Ilka lowered her head as she knelt down.

“My apologies Lord Krun, I wanted to make sure Yinayo was prepared.”

Krun walked over to Yinayo and stood before him, the two were almost equal in height; with Krun being the taller of the two.

”You look uncertain."

Yinayo looked Krun in the eyes.

"I feel I'd be better served fighting the Rykon."


"I see." Krun replied as he took a step away from Yinayo, he turned and looked up at the moons above.

"I can't do much if I'm on another planet."
Yinayo continued.

"I'd rather you guide our savior as opposed to having you die here in a losing effort." Replied Krun as he turned his head slightly to look at Yinayo.

Krun turned back around and pointed at Yinayo.

“I believe you are our best and last hope... I put my life on that."

Krun walked over to Yinayo and stared at him as Yinayo kept his head down.

"Do you trust my decision now?" Krun asked.

Yi gave a slight nod in return, Krun continued to speak.

"Good, when you arrive on the planet; trust in your bond with the Ceyic Flow.”


Krun took his left hand and ran it down the icy build of his right arm, as his hands met; a dark blue orb of energy formed in between them.

"Present this to the one you deem worthy."
He said as he handed it to Yinayo.

The two locked eyes as Krun continued.

"I hope you're prepared, the entire Neytoc race is depending on you."


“I am sir.” Yinayo replied, a look of determination on his face.

“Then let’s go, the ship is just North of here, stay in the shadows and follow me.”


The trio made their way across the icy flatlands of the planet, as they got closer; Yinayo looked back at the abandoned POW camp. 

“There she is.” Said Lord Krun as the ship came in to view.

The ship was a thirteen-yard long; one passenger unit that the Neytoc had used for scouting missions to other planets, two Neytoc soldiers stood guard over it.

“Amazing, I almost forgot how beautiful they were.” Replied Ilka as her eyes lit up.

“Yeah… she’s the last scout ship we have, the Rykon made it a habit to destroy the others.” Krun replied.

Krun walked over to the ship and ran his hand along the side of it.

“Let’s get you on.” He said as he looked over in Yinayo’s direction.

"Yes sir."


Yinayo looked at the orb for a moment.

"Let me conceal this first." He thought to himself; as he put it near his chest. The orb expanded in to a small cloud of bluish-green energy before disappearing in to Yinayo's suit.

Yinayo turned to Ilka and held her hand.

“I’m going to miss you mother.”

“Me too, but don’t worry about me; I’ll be fine.”


Yinayo got in the cockpit, he took a deep breathe before turning to his mother.

“I’ll return with someone strong enough to defeat the Rykon.”[/b]

“I look forward to it.” Ilka replied.

Krun saluted Yinayo as he strapped himself in, the heartfelt moment was interrupted by one of the soldiers who ran over to Krun.

“Lord Krun, Rykon activity detected in the area!”

Krun’s facial expression became serious, he waved off the soldier and walked in a hurried pace toward Ilka.

“You have to leave now!"
He barked at Yinayo without looking in his direction.

Ilka we need to get away from this area before the Rykon arrive.”

Yinayo had a concerned look on his face.

“Let me help!” Yinayo yelled as he watched them get further away from him. He was about to unstrap his seatbelt when he heard his mother in his head.

“It’s ok, we’ll be fine, you need to go now.”

Yinayo stood frozen, after a few seconds; he turned his head and looked back towards them.

“Lord Krun… keep her safe.”

Yinayo hesitantly pushed down on the ignition button and the ships engine began to roar to life.

"The enemy is here" Yelled one of the Neytoc guards.

"It's traveling underground!" Yelled the other.

Visible cracks and icy debris were shooting out on the surface as the Rykon approached, the two Neytoc guards stood prepared as the movement stopped.

"Where is it?"
One guard asked the next.

Krun grabbed Ilka and placed her behind him as he yelled to the guards.

"Below you!"


Before the guards could react, the Rykon broke through the ground and grabbed them both as it leapt in the air, Ilka, Krun and Yinayo were unable to see either the Rykon or guards.

Krun kept his focus in front of him as he spoke.

"Ilka...when the chance arrives, head back to HQ."

"Ok."


As Ilka went to take a step, she heard the screams of the guards right before their broken; lifeless bodies landed a few feet in front of her and Krun. Yinayo and Krun watched in horror as the light from the planets moon illuminated the silhouette of the creature that emerged.

"A Sentinel." Both he and Krun said at the same time as the creature began to step forward.

Yinayo began to frantically push the controls on the ship.

"Dammit, I need to turn off this ship and help!"

Krun stared fiercely at the thirteen foot creature as its visor-like eye began to glow an ominous red, the moonlight revealing the spiked ends at the back of its head. Krun glanced at its arms, of which it had six of them, each with sharp bone protruding out at the elbow.

"Tch, this complicates things." He thought to himself as a calm, confident smile came across his face.

"I must make my first move my last."

Krun took two steps forward and then leapt in the air.

"I have too much at stake for you to ruin!" He yelled as a wave of ice emerged from the ground.

Krun landed on the wave as it raced towards the Sentinel, he knelt down and placed his hand on the wave, shards of ice began to shoot out towards the Sentinel, each one that made contact was absorbed by the creature's body until it had a thin layer of ice coating it.

The Sentinel lunged forward at blinding speed, crashing in to and shattering the wave that Krun was riding, the Neytoc Lord leapt in the air just before the contact; as he flipped in the air he grabbed a displaced shard, he quickly repositioned himself and launched it in the direction of the Sentinel.

"Last Move!" He yelled out confidently.

The shard raced towards the Sentinel, its sharp tip was nearing its target when the Sentinel's tail appeared at the last moment and shattered it. The Sentinel briefly looked in Krun's direction before seemingly disappearing.

Krun's eyes widened as he lost sight of the creature.

"It's-"

The Sentinel appeared behind Krun before he could finish his statement, lunging the sharp tip of its tail at his back.

"-too fast!" Krun finished; as he narrowly dodged the attack. He was unable to dodge the Sentinel's forearm as it slammed in to his neck and sent him flying toward the ground.

The Neytoc Lord hit the ground face first and continued to slide across the icy terrain, he opened his eyes and noticed the ground to the right of him was cracking. The dark silhouette of the Sentinel came from under the ice and lined up directly below Krun before crashing through the ice, it sprouted two additional arms which it used to hold Krun by the wrists.

Ilka looked on in horror as she heard the agonizing yells of Krun; who was being stretched by the Sentinel in an attempt to split him in two. Her body jumped in shock as a blue blur sped past her.

Krun was breathing heavy as the Sentinel brought him closer to its face, he slowly lifted his head and looked in the creature's eyes.

"You disgusting animal."

Krun smiled and then spit in the Sentinel's face.

"Get off me!"
He yelled as his body tensed and became covered in sharp spike of ice. The shards emerged quickly, slicing the Sentinels arms and forcing it to release its grip.

As the Sentinel staggered back, Yinayo appeared to the side of it and landed a stiff blow to its face; sending it crashing a multitude of feet away.

"Are you okay?" Yinayo asked as he walked over to Krun.

Krun walked past him, his focus on the Sentinel.

"I thought I told you to leave." He replied as the spikes that covered him began to crystalize and race down to his hands.

"I-I wanted to help."


The crystalized ice reached Krun's hands and formed in to two sharp tonfa-like weapons.

"Your help is not needed here, it was unwise of me to think you'd leave on your own will."

Krun motioned his arm in Yinayo's direction, within moments Yinayo was encased in a strong, thin layer of ice from neck to toe.

"Lord Krun, please!"

"Enough Yinayo, you have your mission and I have mine."


With the flick of Krun's wrist, Yinayo was lifted in the air and carried over to the ship.

"I can't move, Lord Krun!" He yelled as his body was placed in the seat as the hatch closed.

Krun watched on through the corner of his eyes, he had two fingers just above his wrist.

"Don't forget your other mission."
He said quietly as he pressed down on his wrist. The ship engine roared back to life and a cloudy substance flooded the cockpit.

"No...please..."
Yinayo pleaded as he began to lose consciousness.

The ship hovered momentarily before ascending rapidly, Krun gazed at it a second too long as the Sentinel appeared in front of him and rammed in to his chest with its rock hard shoulder; forcing him to hit and the ground and slide to a stop where he stood motionless.

"NO!" Ilka yelled out.

The Sentinel looked at Ilka for a moment before noticing and turning its attention to the escaping ship, it let out a roar as its seventh arm emerged from the middle of its torso and shot out towards the ship.

"Yinayo..." Ilka thought as she watched the distance between the arm and the ship closing fast.

Suddenly a dark figure appeared in the air and stood in the way of the Rykon's arm.

"No you don't!"
Yelled Krun as he shattered the hand portion the arm with one of his tonfas.

The arm fell to the ground before sliding back in to the Sentinel's torso, the creature looked at Krun as he landed in front of it.

"Your fight is with me." Krun said as a devilish smile came across his face.

The two beings rushed at one another as Yinayo's ship successfully flew off to its destination.

****




Chapter 1- http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,10984.msg178360.html#msg178360

Chapter 2- http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,10984.msg179329.html#msg179329

Chapter 3- http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,10984.msg179495.html#msg179495

Chapter 4- http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,10984.msg179612.html#msg179612

Chapter 5- http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,10984.msg179811.html#msg179811

Chapter 6- http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,10984.msg180381.html#msg180381

Chapter 7- http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,10984.msg181130.html#msg181130

Chapter 8- http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,10984.msg181635.html#msg181635

Chapter 9- http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,10984.msg182726.html#msg182726

Chapter 10- http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,10984.msg187848.html#msg187848

Chapter 11 Part 1- http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,10984.msg188642.html#msg188642

Chapter 11 Part 2- http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,10984.msg188949.html#msg188949

Chapter 11 Part 3- http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,10984.msg188961.html#msg188961

EPILOGUE: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,10984.msg188980.html#msg188980

Map: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,10984.msg192067.html#msg192067

65
Develop Your Story / Snippet and Society X advice
« on: April 23, 2014, 05:21:53 PM »
Hello Raiders, long time no speak!

I've been hammering away at my Society X story which is currently at Chapter 10, I'm proud of the progress and intend to start asking for advice and thoughts on a few of the approaches I've taken with the story shortly.

But in the mean time, I wanted to post a snippet of a secondary story that I had fiddled with some time ago.
The story has no title and again it is a snippet, so it offers no backstory as to what has previously transpired, but I wanted to share it and get some thoughts on it.

(PS. The names of the characters will be changing, the names were not thought up by me, but the basis of the story is.)

SvM Snippet
“300 Tanaka Street”
“300 Tanaka Street”
“300 Tanaka Street"

Katsu laid on his bed with his eyes closed; repeating the address. He looked over at his alarm clock.

“Ten minutes, time to get ready.”

He got off the bed, got dressed and walked outside his apartment building. The sky was clear and the moon was bright; Katsu walked towards a security checkpoint.

“I need clearance”

The guard who was watching television turned to him.

“Name?”

“Katsu Shinju of area C.”

“Reason for leaving premises?”

“Family visit.”

“Time you’ll be returning?”

“Midnight.”

“Put your arm through the hole.”

Katsu obliged, the guard grabbed his arm and used a needle like device to insert a chip under the skin near his wrist. Katsu pulled his arm out the hole and looked at the insertion point.

“You have three hours, head forward for inspection.”

“I can never get used to that stinging sensation.”

“Move forward Mr. Shinju.”

“Irritates my skin…”

“Go now!” responded the guard, clearly annoyed.

Katsu walked to the front gate where two guards patted him down. After clearing him; they opened the gates and allowed Katsu to leave.

“Free at last!” Katsu yelled.

He ran down a dimly lit street and turned into an alley between two abandoned buildings; he looked up to the roof of both of them with a confident smile.

“Piece of cake.”

Katsu walked towards the wall of one of the buildings and disappeared into the shadows, immediately appearing on its roof; he walked over to the ledge and sat down. Thirty minutes passed by.

“He’s late as usual.”

Katsu stared up at the moon until he saw a bright flash of light appear out the corner of his eye; he stood up and turned around.

“Nice of you to show up Hikari; any later and I would’ve posted a missing person ad for you.” Said Katsu sarcastically.

“Am I really late?”

“Thirty minutes, but who’s counting?”

“I guess you are.” Hikari said laughing.

“I know we’re short on time, so what’s on the agenda tonight?” Hikari asked.

Katsu looked Hikari in the eyes.

“300 Tanaka Street.”

Hikari looked stunned.

“Are you serious? That’s the power plant.”

“Of course I’m serious, what better way to spread our message than to tag the only important building in this hell hole?”

Hikari looked unsure.

“I don’t know Katsu; the power plant has crazy security. There’s shadow sensors, SUN drones, and SUN Elites; we’ll be lucky to get past the fences.”

“We have to.” Katsu said sternly.

Katsu walked up to Hikari and grabbed his face.

“We’ve been trying to get our message across for three years now, and the most we have to show for it is a few disorderly conduct fines between the two of us. This war has taken everything from us…it’s destroyed our home, our lives, our freedom… we need to make a change, make an impact, let SUN know that they can’t control everything… you with me?”

Both men looked each other in the eyes.

“Yes I am.”

Katsu smiled.

“You’re the best little brother in the world. Speaking of… did mom send me any dinner?”

“Roasted chicken and mushrooms… your favorite.” Hikari replied with a grin.

“Awesome! Keep it in the bag for now; I’ll grab it once we’re done at the power plant. Do you have all of our equipment?”

Hikari maintained his smile as he gave Katsu two thumbs up.

“Locked and loaded!”

“Good. Let’s go.”

The boys ran on the rooftops towards their destination; Katsu took the lead to survey the surroundings. Area C was a town destroyed by war; abandoned broken buildings and empty streets lined their path to the power plant. For the past three years this had been Katsu’s home, and now, just like many times before, he found it difficult to suppress the anger he felt for everything the war had taken from him and his family. They stopped at a building across from the plant and began to scout the area.

“Let’s set up a plan.” Katsu whispered.

Hikari reached in his bag and pulled out binoculars, he walked over to the ledge and began to survey the area. The power plant was a fenced; heavily guarded checkpoint for the SUN forces, they used it to route power to important outposts in Area C and D. Hikari walked back over to Katsu and kneeled near him.

“I see four patrols; three guards each, around the perimeter. Roughly twenty shadow sensors and fifteen cameras.”

“That’s not too bad; we can get in quick; tag the east wall and be gone before anybody notices.” Katsu replied.

“Actually it is a bad thing Katsu; the patrols are too light; there should be more. I think we should stay put and observe some more.”

Katsu stood up and walked towards the ledge; he pointed at the power plant.

“We don’t have time to observe Hikari, I’ve only got two hours before my Timer runs out; after that I’ll get shocked to hell and there’ll be Seekers on us in no time.”

“Ten minutes, that’s all I’m asking for. Just sit down and eat the food mom sent, I’ll scout the area.”

Katsu looked at his brother angrily and then closed his eyes.

“Fine.”

“Thanks Katsu.”

Hikari gave Katsu the food and then continued to scout the plant; he felt something was wrong, but after ten minutes there had been nothing out of the ordinary happening; so he walked over to the bag.

“What colors are we using tonight?” Hikari asked as he looked at Katsu.

“Purple and gold; keep the cans in your pockets so that we can leave the bag here.”

“Okay, we’ll need two of each?”

“Yeah, let’s get going, you know the routine.”

Hikari closed his eyes and took a deep breathe; he then explained the route he and his brother would take.

“You’re going to use the shadows of the street; blend with that pole over there and make your way to the top of it; there’s a shadow sensor at the top so jump towards that walkway as soon as you reappear. I’ll meet you on the walkway so that I can confuse the shadow sensors on it; we’ll walk to the end of it and will be facing the east wall, I’ll give you light, you tag the wall; and we leave the same way. Got it?”

“What about the cameras?”

Hikari looked back towards the plant.

“They’re not on. They just got turned off.”

"Isn't that suspicious?"

"Very, but knowing you; I won't be getting another ten minutes to observe."

"No, you won't. A least its theoretically one less thing to worry about.'

"Theoretically” Hikari replied.

“Let’s get this party started little bro.”

Katsu jumped off the building and took the route Hikari instructed him to; they met on the walkway and walked to the end of it; once there Hikari handed the cans to Katsu and wished him luck.

“Where do you want me to focus my light on?” Hikari asked.

“Dead center” replied Katsu.

Katsu walked to the wall and observed it. Hikari brought his hands together; shaped them like a triangle and aimed them at the center of the wall. A beam of light shot out of his hands and brightened the center section of the wall; Katsu gave a thumbs up and was preparing to work when he heard someone behind him.

“Freeze, hands behind your head!”

“Damn!” Katsu thought as he obliged.

Two armed guards approached Katsu, Hikari immediately suppressed his energy and watched.

“They must not have noticed where the light was coming from. This is bad, I have to help Katsu!”

“Get on your knees!” one guard shouted at Katsu.

Katsu got on his knees; he noticed Hikari’s light energy disappear and hoped that Hikari had fled.

“Call it in; let the Captain know our tip was right.”

“Tip? They knew we were coming… but how? I didn’t tell anyone.” Katsu thought.

“Yes sir… we will. The Captain is on his way here; he wants to speak to this one. He also ordered our hidden patrols to become mobile, hopefully this bastard brought friends for us to catch as well.”

Hikari looked around nervously.

“I knew it, they hid their patrols to make the plant seem vulnerable… it was a trap; they knew we were coming. I need to help Katsu fast.” He thought to himself.

The guards cuffed Katsu and had him lay face down on the ground; they kept the flashlights mounted on their guns fixed on him. He heard heavy footsteps approaching him.

“Keep the light on him boys; I’ve been waiting a long while to meet one of these rebels.”

“Yes sir!”

A tall muscular man with a bald head and rugged clean shaven face emerged from the shadows and stood over Katsu. He lifted him and the two locked eyes.

“I have no interest in dragging this out; so I intend to make it brief. I’m Captain Agard… are there others with you?”

Katsu kept his eyes leveled with the Captain’s; never looking away.

“No.”

“Liar.”

The Captain landed a stiff blow to Katsu’s ribs; causing a stream of blood to come out his mouth. Hikari looked on in horror as he frantically thought of ways to save his brother.

“I’ll ask again… are there others with you scum?”

“No.” replied Katsu as he spat blood in the Captains face.

Enraged; the Captains body began to faintly glow, he threw Katsu against the wall of the power plant and began to beat him.

“You scum have no respect; but tonight is your lucky night because I’m going to beat some into your rebel ass!”

The Captain continued to pummel Katsu; he lay bloodied and helpless on the floor when the Captain kneeled near him.

“One more chance before you die, I know there are others; where are they?”

“Up your ass.”

The Captain let out a grunt of frustration.

“Did you check him?”

“No sir.”

The Captain searched Katsu and found a small pocket knife; he showed it to Katsu.

“I’m going to kill you with your own pathetic weapon.”

“Give that back to me.”

Katsu attempted to get up but was pushed back to the ground, the Captain continued to kick him some more. Hikari had seen enough, he pointed the index and middle finger of his right hand at the Captain’s head.

“I’m going to kill you; you bastard.”

“You won’t be able to, aim for one of the soldiers instead.” A voice replied from the shadows.

Hikari looked behind him to see a young woman with blonde hair leaning on the rail of the walkway.

“Who…”

“That doesn’t matter, your friend is about to die; aim at one of the soldiers and we’ll help you.”

“Umm…”

“Do it now!”

“Right!”

Hikari turned back towards the guards and aimed at one; he shot a beam of focused light at the guards’ neck and killed him. The blonde haired woman leapt past him.

"Nice shot kid, now go save your friend."

Hikari nodded.

"Everyone attack now!" the woman yelled as she rushed towards the Captain.

Hikari's pupils disappeared as his eyes began to illuminate in a gold and white glow, he lunged towards his brother...

END

Thoughts and suggestions welcome, thank you all for your time.

Snippet part 2
Hikari watched in awe as two men and a woman appeared out of the shadows and joined the blonde haired woman in surrounding the Captain and his guard. One of the men had a tall brutish frame and carried a large war hammer on his back, the other man was slender and held long whips in each hand while the female was short and athletic looking; she had no visible weapons; just leather gloves on both hands. The soldier looked terrified while the Captain kept his focus on Katsu; he turned his head to the guard.

“You there.”

“S-Sir.”

“Keep your light focused on this one here, I’ll handle those rebels.”

“Y-yes sir.”

“And stop stuttering.”

“Sir!”

Captain Agard turned around and let the soldier pass him as he walked towards the blonde haired woman and her group.

“I knew that boy was lying to me; I’ll be sure to snap his neck for it. But first…”

Captain Agards body began to glow a bright yellow, his shirt quickly disintegrated and revealed a hole in his chest that contained pure energy. The blonde haired woman pulled out a set of nunchuks and stood in a defensive stance; her team followed suit.

“Stay swift!” she said.

They all gave a nod to acknowledge her statement; dozens of footsteps could be heard getting closer as the Captain prepared to make his move.

“You all die tonig-“

The Captain became ensnared by tentacle like beams of energy.

“What?!”

Unable to move his arms and legs; the Captain turned his head and saw Hikari kneeling next to Katsu with his right arm aimed at him; the beams of energy were streaming out of Hikari’s hand as he stared at the Captain. He noticed the guard lying face down on the ground but before he could let out another word he felt the beams grip on to the hole in his chest.

“Enough.” Said Hikari.

He pulled his arm in quickly; and in a swift motion the Captain was pulled by the energy beams and thrown right through the east wall. Hikari immediately released his hold and lifted the weakened Katsu.

“We need to leave now before more of them come!” Hikari said to the blonde haired girl.

She nodded.

“Follow us.” She replied.

Her and her group ran into the shadows and appeared on the roof facing the east wall; Hikari looked at them and then shot a beam of energy towards the building. Katsu began to cough and then grabbed his brother by the arm.

“I just need a minute to recover.” He said.

“We don’t have a minute.” Hikari replied.

Hikari leapt on to the energy beam and was shot to the roof where the rebels waited. They all ran along the rooftops; distancing themselves from the power plant.
Captain Agard stepped through the hole he’d just made and looked around at the men that were staring at him.

“You were all late.”

One of the soldiers stepped forward and kneeled to the Captain.

“We apologize sir, there was a slight-“

“No excuses!”

The Captain slapped the soldier away from him. He walked over to the beam of energy Hikari created and examined it. He looked at the soldier he’d just slapped.

“Summon the Seekers.”

“How many sir?”

“Seven.”


The soldier got up from the floor and spoke into a communicator on his wrist.

“This is Squad Leader Hanzi requesting seven Seeker units to the power plant on behalf of Battalion Captain Tsukoyami Agard; request code B3S779.”

A female responded with a robotic tone in her voice.

“Request authorized.”

Instantly, seven Seekers appeared behind the Captain. They all wore black helmets that covered their entire face; as well as black carbon fiber armor that covered their bodies; the only visible feature was the blue neon glow of the outline of their spines. They kneeled before the Captain as he spoke.

“They’re six people that I want captured, I want you all to choose one each and pursue them relentlessly; the last of you is to hang back and provide support for the other six. Understood?”

Each of the Seekers let out a steam like sound, the Captain smiled.

“Good hunting.”

With that, the Seekers separated and began their pursuit, the Captain looked at the hole in the east wall.

“Get this cleaned up.”

Hikari and the rebel group had slowed their pace; they were nearing the edge of Area C, the blonde haired woman looked back at Hikari and stopped on the roof of a building; everyone followed suit.

“I never got your names.” She said.

“I’m Hikari and this is Katsu, what are yours?”

“My names Lyzari, the big guy here is Tudanko, the guy next to him is Kazari, and the other girl is Eyanji.”

“A Pleasure to meet you all; how much further until we can stop for good?”

“This is the end here; we all go our separate ways from this point on.”


Hikari was shocked.

“You can’t be serious; my brother and I need somewhere to stay until everything dies down; I’m pretty sure they’ll send out search parties soon.”

“That’s not our problem, we helped you two get out of there; that should be enough. We’ll take out his tracker before we leave; but that’s it. It was nice meeting you two; but this is the last time you’ll see us.

“You can’t-“

“Enough Hikari.”

Katsu tightened his grip on his brother’s shoulder.

“They’ve done enough for us; let’s not hold them up much longer. Lyzari’s your name?”

“Yes.”


Katsu extended his arm to her.

“Remove the tracker please.”

Lyzari grabbed his arm and called over Eyanji; who approached Katsu and put her hand over the location of his tracker; a ball of dark energy covered her hand.

“You’re going to feel a little pinch kid, but there won’t be no blood once I remove it.”

Eyanji’s hand disappeared into Katsu’s wrist.

“This feels weird.”

"It's all in the gloves kid." Eyanji replied.

She pulled her hand out and showed him the tracker; she then placed a small ball of dark energy on it and threw it off the roof.

“The dark energy will trick the tracker into thinking it’s still inside a shadow based body.” Eyanji said.

“Thank you for this and everything else, you can leave now if you wish, Hikari sit me down here please.”

Hikari helped Katsu sit on the floor.

“Can you walk on your own Katsu?” asked Hikari.

“Not yet, it’s taking longer than I thought for me to heal; that Captain really did a number on me.”

“Hikari, Katsu, get up now!”
yelled Lyzari.

They both looked at her and noticed that her and the others had their weapons drawn and were focused on something behind the brothers; they both turned to see what it was. Hikari grabbed Katsu tightly and lifted him.

“Seekers. Damn.” Said Katsu.

The Seekers were kneeling on the rooftop across from the group; six of them began to line up directly across from their intended target while the seventh stood back. Lyzari walked over to the brothers and watched as the Seeker that had locked on to her followed her movements.

“You two know how to defeat them right?”

“No, we’ve run into them three times before and have been caught three times.”
Replied Hikari.

“Well I don’t have much time to explain it in detail; it’s simple; you need to attack one that isn’t pursuing you. They don’t focus on anything but their target; use it to your advantage.”

Katsu moved away from Hikari and stood up with his own strength.

“I thought you weren’t fully healed, I can fight for both of us.”

“I won’t put that burden on you; I can handle my own Hikari.”


The six Seekers all stood up, the last stood kneeling.

“Here they come!” yelled Lyzari.

The Seekers melded into the shadows and were on top of the group in an instant; Hikari formed a ball of light and threw it at the roof floor causing an explosion of light that stopped the Seekers momentarily. Lyzari emerged from the light as she jumped high in the air.

“Run and Gun!” She yelled.

She then shadow jumped to the streets and began to run as one of the Seekers began to pursue her, the other three members of her group followed behind her on the rooftops with their Seekers in hot pursuit. Hikari continued to release light explosions on the roof as Katsu was having trouble moving away.

“Hurry up Katsu!”

“I’m trying!”


Suddenly one of the Seekers appeared in front of Katsu and reached for him, Hikari quickly shot a wave of energy towards it but was countered when the seventh Seeker appeared in front of the wave and absorbed it; shooting it back toward Hikari before it shadow jumped off the roof. Hikari jumped in the air to dodge the wave, he noticed Katsu attempting to fight the Seeker with limited success.

“Hikari, I need shadows!”

Hikari looked down at the building.

“I’ve got you!”

The Seeker pursing Hikari appeared and leapt at him, it passed through him as Hikari turned himself into a mass of energy and began to crash down toward the roof. He hit the roof with such force that the building began to crumble, he suppressed his light and the darkness within the building allowed Katsu to shadow jump away from his Seeker, he began to jump many times inside of the collapsing building with the Seeker following his every move.

“Dammit, at this rate I’ll get caught.” Katsu thought to himself.

Hikari stood in the street looking for his brother, instead he saw Lyzari’s group attempting to fend off their Seekers; he decided he’d help them.

“Katsu, I’ll be back to help you; just hold on!”

Hikari began to travel using the light sources available to him as his Seeker pursued him.

Lyzari continued to run, every few steps she would throw her nunchuks at the Seeker and watch as the roaming Seeker would appear and knock them away as well as counter any attack her friends would attempt on their Seekers. She realized that the group would have to separate in order to defeat them. When she looked back this time she noticed Hikari coming towards them.

“Eyanji, go help the light user; he’s coming towards us!”

“Right!”


Eyanji dodged her Seeker and landed on the street, heading toward a collision course with Hikari.

“Tudanko, throw your war hammer at the roamer, Kazari get ready to wrap it up!”

Both men nodded in agreement. While still running, Tudanko flung his war hammer at the roaming Seeker; just as it was about to hit, the Seeker leapt in the air and dodged it but was wrapped up by Kazari’s whips. Kazari leapt in the air and split in two; with each one holding one whip, the two Kizari’s began to distance themselves from one another; tightening the grip on the Seeker, its armor began to crack and then it exploded into a pile of ash. The other Seeker pursuing Kazari grabbed ahold of one of the forms and smashed him head first into the side of one of the abandoned buildings. The other form of Kazari wrapped his whip around the war hammer and whipped it back towards the running Tudanko.

“Wrong one Seeker scum.”

The Seeker landed on the street and looked up as the 2nd form of Kazari laughed and faded away. It put its head down and then looked back at Kazari.

“That’s right, come get me.”

Kazari stuck to the rooftops and headed towards Hikari and Eyanji as the Seeker followed.

Lyzari continued to run and look for a way to get the Seekers off of her and Tudanko, an abandoned warehouse that she was approaching caught her eye, an idea came to her.

"Tudanko, warehouse up ahead, I’m gonna lure it in and you lay down the hammer!

“I’m on it!”


Tudanko leapt from one roof to the next and then shadow jumped high in the air above the warehouse roof, he held his hammer with both hands as he approached the roof. Lyzari sped up her pace and pulled out her nunchuks, she jumped through a broken window to enter the warehouse and stopped shadow jumping, opting instead to run full speed through the warehouse.

“Now!” She yelled.

At that moment, Tudanko landed on the roof and threw his hammer straight down into a small shadow on the roof at the same moment that Lyzari leapt forward and shifted in mid-air to throw her nunchuks into the shadows towards the roof. The Seeker pursuing her closed in fast and reached out for her but was crushed by Tudanko’s war hammer that appeared from above, Lyzari hit the ground and rolled to her feet, she brought her hands together and closed her eyes.

Tudanko stood on the roof waiting for his Seeker; Lyzari’s nunchuks passed by his face just as the Seeker appeared behind him and wrapped its arms around him. Lyzari took control of her nunchuks and sent them back towards Tudanko, two blades popped out of the nunchuk handles as they formed a horseshoe shape, Tudanko leaned forward and felt the Seekers grip loosen as the blades from the nunchuks landed in its neck,; the Seekers lifeless body fell to the floor and disintegrated. Tudanko picked up the nunchuks and handed them to Lyzari as she appeared on the roof with his war hammer.

“Good call Lyzari.”

She handed him his hammer and put her weapon away, she then looked at Tudanko with a serious face.

“We’re not done yet, let’s head back toward the others."


The two rebels headed back in the direction of Hikari and Eyanji.

Hikari continued to run on the streets as he saw Eyanji heading towards him.

“Keep running towards me light kid!” she yelled.

“What are we going to do?” Hikari replied with confusion.

“Kill mine and then I kill yours.”

Hikari nodded and ran full speed toward Eyanji, as the two of them continued to get closer it looked as if they were going to collide, Hikari formed a mass of energy around his hand and swung his arm at Eyanji, the rebel dropped into a shadow that was right in front of him and led her Seeker directly into Hikari’s hand, it pierced through the Seeker as Hikari lifted it slightly in the air, at the same time, Eyanji appeared behind Hikari’s Seeker and grabbed the Seekers neon blue spine; crushing it and dropping the Seeker.

“Thanks” said Hikari as he ran past her.

“Where are you going?”

“I need to help my brother!”


Eyanji followed.

Katsu’s injuries were making it hard for him to keep the Seeker at bay.

“I won’t last much longer, and to make it worse this thing is blocking me from the others and leading me back towards the power plant. I need to find a way to surprise it.”

Katsu was caught off guard as the Seeker shadow jumped and then phased through the light provided by the streetlamps to get in front of him, it grabbed him by the neck and slammed him onto the street; it began to drag him towards the shadows.

“Damn! Think think think!” Katsu thought to himself.

“Hikari’s bag!”

Katsu pulled out a small blade and cut the Seeker on the wrist; it released its grip on him which allowed Katsu to kick it back, he put his hand into the shadows and pulled out a metallic grey spray can, he got up and ran down the street; spraying the contents on the can on the ground; the Seeker followed closely.

“C’mon, just one step.”

“Katsu!”


Katsu looked up at the rooftops and saw Hikari and Eyanji following him.

“Don’t interfere, i’ll handle this!”

Eyanji looked shocked as she followed behind Hikari.

“What’s he thinking? The Seeker is going to dodge any attack it sees, he’ll never land a hit.”

Hikari stopped running and stood at the edge of the building.

“It won’t see his attack.”

Katsu emptied the can and continued to run.

“C’mon, one step; that’s all I need!”

Katsu looked back and threw the can at the Seeker, it moved to the left to dodge the can; the side of its foot touched the black paint.

“Got you!”

Katsu shadow jumped, the Seeker came to a stop and looked around for him. Eyanji’s jaw dropped.

“It can’t sense him!”

“No… and it won’t be able to, now watch my brother go to work.”

The Seeker continued to look around, Katsu’s voice echoed behind it.

“It’s over.”

Katsu’s hand appeared out of the paint trail and grabbed the Seekers ankle; he pulled it into the paint and began to drag it down the paint trail; as it was getting dragged, the area where the Seeker was cut got paint on it. Katsu’s hand immediately disappeared, the Seeker got up and began to look around for him again, suddenly it hunched over in pain.

“He’s in.” said Hikari.

“In?” Eyanji replied, puzzled.

“Yeah, he’s inside its body; slicing vital organs… the Seeker is going to die from bleeding out and shock.”

Eyanji sat down on the edge of the building and looked on in amazement as Katsu reappeared in front of the Seeker. They watched as the Seekers life slowly left its body, Katsu walked away as the Seeker reached for him one last time before it died and disintegrated.

“Good job Katsu.”

“Thanks bro.”


Katsu shadow jumped to the roof to join the two; he landed on the roof and then laid on the floor.

“I’m exhausted.”

Lyzari and Tudanko arrived on the roof and looked around.

Where’s Kazari?” asked Lyzari.

“Wasn’t he with you?” replied Eyanji.

“He was, but I saw him head towards you guys and figured he was going to help you all.”

“Hikari and I haven’t seen him, Katsu, did you see Kazari?”


Katsu lifted his head up and shook it to signify no. Lyzari began to pace back and forth.

“No no no no no.”

“Lyzari I’m sure he’s fine-“

“Fine? You’re sure he’s fine Eyanji? If that’s the case then why isn’t he here?”


Eyanji put her head down and closed her eyes.

“We’re going to find him and free him.” Said Lyzari.

“Agreed, but first we head back to base and prep properly, we’ll be able to check the prisoner log and see if they did catch him; and if so, then we’ll know where he is.” Replied Tudanko.

“Fine.”

Lyzari looked back at Katsu and Hikari.

“You two need to head somewhere safe fast, I’m sure they’ll send units to inspect the Seekers.”

Katsu stood up and rubbed his head.

“Well, we were… actually, I was thinking maybe you could use some help to get your friend back-“

“He means we.”
Hikari interrupted.

“Ok, we, you helped us, let us help you.”

Lyzari shook her head.

“No, it’ll be too dangerous for you two. You’re just some taggers-“

“Actually, they’re more Lyzari.”
Said Eyanji.

“I saw what they can do, we can use them.”

Lyzari looked at Eyanji and then looked back at the brothers.

“You two sure you want to get involved in this?”

The brothers looked at each other.

“Yes.” They both responded.

“Fine.”

Lyzari turned and looked up at the moon.

“Welcome to MUN.”

PART 2 END

Thoughts on Part 2?

66
NOT CANON... This is Chapter 1 of Society X, it's a pretty long read so take your time if need be. I'm going to post a link at the end so that anyone who wishes to comment, critique or anything of that nature can feel free to do so. Here is the Character Sheets of the 3 Main Characters of the story.

CHARACTER SHEETS
Name: Nyu
Height: 5’10
Body Type: Slender/Fit
Hair Color: Red
Hair Type: Short spiked hair.
Eye Color: Black
Background: A 17 year old boy with a strong and caring personality. He never knew his parents, has spent his entire time at Blue Lotus Orphanage. It was there that he met Hime and Kakan; they developed a strong friendship with one another that continues to this day. At the age of 16 Nyu decided to leave the orphanage with Kakan and Hime so that they could be free and find their purpose in life. Over time he took the responsibility of being the leader, making sure that his friend’s well-being comes before his own.

Name: Hime
Height: 5’5
Body Type: Slender/Fit
Hair Color: Blue
Hair Type: Straight down to the middle of her back (In a bun when on a mission, but some strands are left loose on the bun so they reach down her back.)
Eye Color: Lavender
Background: A bold 16 year old girl; hime had a perfect family life before suddenly being dropped at the orphanage by her parents. She’s a tough character who’s not afraid to fight for what she loves and believes in, but deep down she holds in many questions about why her life ended up where it is now. She sees both Nyu and Kakan as brothers; and although Nyu is the leader; Hime is undoubtedly the brains and the glue that holds the group together. It’s been her ability to strategize that has allowed the group to survive for the past year.

Name: Kakan
Height: 6’0
Body Type: Slender/Fit
Hair Color: Black
Hair Type: Based loosely off of Teen Gohan Super Saiyan 2 style, except in black and with some highlights detail.
Eye Color: Black
Background: The youngest of the three, he is a 15 year old with a strong competitive spirit. His mother died giving birth to him; and his father (a wealthy man) disowned him because he was born with orange hair while his father and mother had black hair (pulled the kid isn’t mine trick). Kakan is constantly trying to outdo Nyu in an attempt to impress Hime. He has a tendency to react first and think later; often putting the group in difficult situations. Although he has a good heart; kakan’s flaws tend to stand out as huge negatives to the overall chemistry of the group.


Post Merge: February 13, 2014, 08:10:33 PM
SOCIETY X

CHAPTER 1: DESTINY

CHAPTER 1: PART 1
SCENE:
Mun City

ACTION:
Three teenagers wearing ragged worn out clothing; two male one female; are being chased by a man down a crowded market street, the male teenager with black hair is holding a loaf of bread in his hand.

DIALOGUE:

MARKET MAN: Come back here with my bread you thieves!

ACTION:
The black haired teen turns his head to mock the market man.

DIALOGUE:

KAKAN: If you want it then run a little faster old man!
MARKET MAN: Why you little…!

ACTION:
The market man begins to run faster which surprises Kakan, he becomes so focused on the market man that he doesn’t realize he is about to run into a vegetable stand. He collides with the stand and falls on top of a scattered pile of peppers, the market man catches up with him.

DIALOGUE:
MARKET MAN: I’ve got you now you little punk!

ACTION:
The market man grabs Kakan and lifts him in the air, as he goes to punch Kakan the blue haired female knees him in the back of the head, forcing the market man to let Kakan go as he falls to the ground.

DIALOGUE:
HIME: Kakan get up, we have to go now!

ACTION:
Kakan gets up and runs off with the group, he looks back to see the vegetable stand lady shaking her fist at them while the market man gets up and continues to pursue them.
               
DIALOGUE:
KAKAN: What a knee…
               
ACTION:
Nyu, the red haired teen also looks back and sees the market man continuing to pursue them.
               
DIALOGUE:
NYU: Tch, he’s persistent. Let’s get out the city and head to the forest, I doubt he’ll chase us there.
               
ACTION:
Both Hime and Kakan nod in agreement as the trio head towards the outskirts of Mun City.

SCENE:
The trio exits the city and heads into the forest.

ACTION:
Kakan walks forward while observing all the trees around him.

DIALOGUE:
KAKAN: Scary.

ACTION:
Kakan looks at the loaf of bread and begins to toss it in the air.

DIALOGUE:
KAKAN:  So since we’re in the clear I guess we can find a nice spot to start a fire and have us some warm bread.

ACTION:
Nyu, who is walking ahead of the group, turns his head to Kakan.

DIALOGUE:
NYU: What you did back there was reckless. We had a plan and you went against it.
KAKAN: Oh not this again Nyu, I got us the bread right?

ACTION:
Nyu turns around to face Kakan and Hime.

DIALOGUE:
NYU: Not again!? You almost got manhandled by a 300 pound baker! Hime’s plan would’ve helped us get the bread without being seen; but you were too impatient to wait!

ACTION:
Kakan walks towards Nyu while handing Hime a piece of bread.

DIALOGUE:
KAKAN: We were taking too long! I saw an opportunity and took it, there was no guarantee the plan would’ve worked; and I say we need to take opportunities as they present themselves, no matter the risk.

ACTION:
Nyu stands still as Kakan passes him, Hime stands with her eyes closed as she takes a bite of her bread.

DIALOGUE:
NYU: You’ve been really difficult to deal with as of late, you have a problem?

KAKAN: (In a whisper) If you only knew.

NYU: Then let it out, tell us what’s bothering you.

KAKAN: I’m not in the mood.
               
ACTION:
Nyu grabs Kakan by the shoulder, Kakan turns around and pushes Nyu away from him.
               
DIALOGUE:
KAKAN: Don’t touch me!

NYU: Then tell me your problem!

KAKAN: You… this!
               
ACTION:
Kakan turns in a circle pointing to all the trees.
               
DIALOGUE:
KAKAN: For a year now, all we’ve done is struggle… for food, for shelter, everything.

NYU: We have to endure.

KAKAN: Haven’t we done enough of that? You said that we had a greater purpose… where is it?

NYU: It’s out there, we’ll find it, but we can’t have you jeopardizing our well-being because you’re frustrated!

KAKAN: You jeopardized us! Not me! I’m not doing this out of frustration, I’m just desperate now, as we should all be.

NYU: It’s my job to protect this group…

KAKAN: Protect us? You’re the reason we’re in this position in the first place! If we hadn’t left the orphanage…

ACTION:
Hime comes between both of them and put her hands out on both their chests.

DIALOGUE:
HIME: Enough, Nyu, we got the food; that’s all that matters in the end. Kakan, it was MY plan so of course it was going to work! Don’t ever question that again, understand?

ACTION:
Hime gives Kakan a dirty look and he salutes her.

DIALOGUE:
KAKAN: Yes ma’am!
HIME: Good. It looks like it might rain, we should hurry and find a place to camp, maybe find some fruits.
KAKAN: No need.

ACTION:
Kakan reaches in his pockets and pulls out a red pepper, he gives it to Hime and then sits on the floor. Hime and Nyu look shocked.

DIALOGUE:
HIME: How did you get this?
KAKAN: Desperation.

ACTION:
Nyu stares at Kakan and lets out a sigh as he turns to walk away.

DIALOGUE:
NYU: We should walk a little further; I think I hear a river up ahead. Hopefully we’ll have clean water to drink as well.

ACTION:
The group walks deeper into the woods. After a while they reach the river, it begins to drizzle.

DIALOGUE:
HIME: Wow it’s huge… this should be a nice place to camp.
               
ACTION:
As the group prepares to settle in they hear a voice in the distance approaching them.
               
DIALOGUE:
???: I’m not done with you three!
               
ACTION:
The group turns to see the Market Man in the distance closing in on them.
               
DIALOGUE:
NYU: I think I see a better spot across the river.
HIME: I agree!
KAKAN: Let’s not waste any time!

ACTION:
The group walks into the river and starts to cross as the rain begins to come down hard. They look back and see the Market Man on the edge of the river looking at them.

DIALOGUE:
MARKET MAN: Damn kids

NYU: He won’t be following…we need to pick up our pace, the current is getting stronger.

HIME: I keep getting my feet stuck.

KAKAN: Mine too, damn these old shoes.

NYU: Push through, we’re almost there.

ACTION:
Nyu reaches the end of the river and turns to help Hime.
               
DIALOGUE:
HIME: Thank you.
KAKAN: GUYS.
               
ACTION:
Nyu and Hime look back at Kakan and notice he’s stuck.

PART 2 coming in a few moments...
            


Post Merge: February 13, 2014, 08:10:55 PM
SOCIETY X CHAPTER 1: PART 2

CHAPTER 1: PART 2
DIALOGUE:
KAKAN: I need some help; I can’t get my foot out of the ground.
HIME: Let’s help him.
NYU: You stay here, I’ll help him.

ACTION:
Nyu walks back into the river, Hime watches both of them, out of the corner of her eye she sees a sign; the lettering is faded so she walks over to get a closer look; the message on the sign reads “WARNING: FLASH FLOOD AREA” Hime quickly turns and runs back towards the guys.

DIALOGUE:
HIME: Nyu, Kakan, hurry up; the river is a flash flood hazard!

ACTION:
Nyu is too busy helping Kakan to notice Hime trying to get his attention; Kakan notices her waving her arms but can’t make out what she’s saying.

DIALOGUE:
KAKAN: I think Hime is trying to tell us something, she looks pretty scared… WE CAN’T HEAR YOU!

ACTION:
Nyu looks back at Hime; he sees her waving and pointing at the sign. Unable to read it, he looks at her and motions that they can’t hear her while Kikan attempts to read her lips; he is able to make out the word flood.

DIALOGUE:
KAKAN: I think she’s saying something about flood.
NYU: Flood? Why would she mention flood?

ACTION:
Nyu suddenly pieces it together; he looks back at the sign and sees the feint WARNING lettering.

DIALOGUE:
NYU: We need to hurry up; we’re in a flood zone! Dammit your foot won’t budge!
KAKAN: Flood what, are you kidding me? Pull harder!

ACTION:
Nyu and Kakan desperately try to loosen his leg from the thick mud of the river floor, they hear loud thunder like sounds coming from upstream; they look and see a thrashing wave of water heading their way.
After many efforts they are finally able to free Kakan’s leg (he loses his shoe and sprains his ankle in the process), Nyu puts Kakan’s arm around his shoulder and the two of them begin struggle back to land.

DIALOGUE:
KAKAN: We’re not gonna make it!

NYU: Yes we are, just keep moving!

KAKAN: The current is knocking us downstream Nyu; the flood is going to take us! Do you think Hime will miss me more?

NYU: Shut up! I WILL NOT let us die!

ACTION:
Hime has her hands over her mouth as she watches the boys struggle to make it back. Nyu glances at the approaching flood and realizes that they won’t make it; he begins to think of a plan as Kakan looks at Hime and then at the wave.

DIALOGUE:
KAKAN: This is it…

NYU: No…

HIME: NYU! KAKAN!

KAKAN: (Why did she say his name first?)

NYU: Go!

ACTION:
Nyu uses all his strength to throw Kakan onto the land as the rush of water engulfs him. Hime grabs Kakan and drags him inland; she looks towards the river and realizes that Nyu is gone; even the market man looks stunned, as she begins to assist Kakan a tear rolls down her cheek.

DIALOGUE:
HIME: We have to move away from the river; hurry.
KAKAN: Nyu…
HIME: We’re going to find him.

ACTION:
Hime and Kakan disappear through the trees as the flood continues to pass by.

SCENE:
The river water

ACTION:

Nyu is being dragged underwater by the river current; he tries to look for a way to escape as he struggles to hold his breath.

DIALOGUE:
NYU: (I’m probably not going to survive this; I hope the two of them stay safe.)

ACTION:
Nyu hits his head on a rock; he begins to bleed and becomes drowsy; as he is about to lose consciousness he notices a mask being guided by the current. It immediately shoots towards him and attaches to his face; Nyu briefly attempts to remove it but blacks out from his head injury.

SCENE:
A small camp in the forest

ACTION:
Hime is bandaging Kakan’s ankle while he dangles a small piece of bread on a branch over the camp flame.

DIALOGUE:
KAKAN: We’re wasting time; we should be out looking for him now that the rain has slowed down.

HIME: We can’t go right now; we have to let your ankle rest a little.

KAKAN: I’ll be fine; let’s just go!

HIME: No! I am not going to have to carry you around the entire time we search for him, I understand your concern but in your condition you’re not much help and I’m going to need you.

KAKAN: Sorry… I just feel bad.

HIME: I know how you feel, let’s eat and rest up for a few minutes; we’ll start looking for him soon.

SCENE:
Near the riverbank

ACTION:
Nyu is lying face down and motionless; he begins to slowly wake up and lean on his knees. He coughs up water and then starts to look around at his surroundings.

DIALOGUE:
NYU: (Where am I and how did I manage to get out of the river?)

ACTION:
Nyu stands up and stumbles as he walks; he is very weak and uses the trees around him to keep his balance. As he continues forward he remembers the mask and feels for it on his face.

DIALOGUE:
NYU: (That mask I saw… I swear it attached itself to me before I blacked out; but I don’t feel it now.  I feel so weak, but I must find the others.)

ACTION:
Hime and Kakan arrive at the location where Nyu previously laid; they notice the ground looks as if someone had been laying on it and then they see footprints that lead deeper in the forest.

DIALOGUE:
HIME: He must have managed to get out of the river on time; he went this way.

KAKAN: How do you know it’s him?

HIME: The footprints… I recognize the markings; they’re the ones from his shoes.

KAKAN: Wow, you must be extremely observant.

HIME: Not really… I don’t know how the bottoms of your shoes look.

ACTION:
Kakan sits on the ground and looks at the bottom of his one remaining shoe.

DIALOGUE:
KAKAN: Plain; they’re completely worn out.
HIME: Whatever, let’s go.

SCENE:
Somewhere deep in the woods

ACTION:
Nyu’s strength has left him and he is lost; he is crawling on the ground unaware of where he is going. His body gives in and he once again finds himself lying face first in the dirt. Three men wearing light armored clothing appear and see him on the ground; one of them walks towards him.
END OF PART 2.
PART 3 WILL BE POSTED IN A MOMENT...
[/s]

67
Discussions / Thoughts and opinions on Society X
« on: February 13, 2014, 05:50:19 PM »
This topic is strictly for comments related to my story Society X which I will be posting shortly in the Develop Your Story section. I will create a link so that people who come here can be sent there and vice versa. Thank you in advance for your comments and critiques of Chapter 1!




68
Develop Your Story / Opinions on names for my story
« on: February 04, 2014, 01:14:34 AM »
Hey guys, I just wanted opinions on having multiple names for characters in my stories. You see, in a story I'm writing I originally named my characters basic English names, but then I looked into Japanese names that I wanted to give them in case I ever wanted to approach my naming aspect to my entire series. But what this caused for me was conflict, because what I wound up doing is looking at the Japanese names, and seeing the meanings behind them and then going back to my English names and looking for names that were similar in meaning so that in both cases the character names would mean the same thing.

This however caused me to dislike my new English names for my characters, originally one was called Dmitri, but because the name I chose for him in Japanese was related to Chosen one, I decided to find a name that was close to it, so then his name was no longer Dmitri but instead Eloy.

So I guess my question is really this, does it really matter what English names I give them? Because I personally don't think that in the western culture (as it relates to fictional characters) that the name has much to do with the actual character, whereas in Manga, names tend to describe an aspect of the character directly (Naruto:Ramen... loves ramen).

Because personally I would rather keep the names Dmitri, Xavier and Sariah because I like them rather than going with Eloy, Archy and Sariah <---(name meaning was good from beginning), because I personally don't like the names even though they directly relate to the alternate Jap names I gave them.

Thoughts would be appreciated... expressing how confusing the mumbo jumbo I just wrote is is also welcome lol. (I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO PROPERLY EXPLAIN IT!)

69
General Discussion / Synopsis Question
« on: January 21, 2014, 03:27:39 PM »
if you had to write a synopsis for these popular mangas what would you write?

.Naruto
.Bleach
.One Piece
.Attack on Titan
.Death Note

70
General Discussion / Copy/Paste help
« on: January 16, 2014, 12:04:51 AM »
I was wondering if there was a way to copy my work from MS Word and paste it here without the text and format going all out of whack. It becomes really annoying. Thanks in advance.

71
Develop Your Story / Mask Hunters Society (Tentative Title)
« on: December 30, 2013, 01:45:22 AM »
Hey guys, I would love some thoughts on a story I've been working on for about a year now. I just want to give you all the basic premise of the story and then also ask for some help at the end, I am looking for ideas. Again, I appreciate all feedback.

Mask Hunters Society (Tentative Title)

Main Characters: (Names may change to better fit with Manga setting)

Dmitri: A 17 year old boy with a strong and caring personality. He never knew his parents; he was raised by his grandmother until he was 5; she became ill and gave him over to the Blue Lotus Orphanage. It was there that he met Sariah and Xavier; they developed a strong friendship with one another that continues to this day. At the age of 16 Dmitri decided to leave the orphanage with Xavier and Sariah so that they could try to make it on their own; overtime he took the responsibility of being the leader, making sure that his friend’s well-being comes before his own. Mature beyond his years; he is the glue that keeps the 3 of them together and strong.

Xavier: The youngest of the three, he is a 15 year old with a strong competitive spirit. His mother died giving birth to him; and his father (a wealthy man) disowned him because Xavier was born with black hair while his father and mother were blonde (pulled the kid isn’t mine trick). Xavier is constantly trying to outdo Dmitri in an attempt to impress Sariah. He has a tendency to react first and think later; often putting the group in difficult situations. Although he has a good heart; Xavier’s flaws tend to truly stand out when compared to Dmitri and Sariah.

Sariah: A bold 16 year old girl with a mysterious past; Sariah had a perfect family life before suddenly being dropped at the orphanage by her parents one day. She’s a tough character who’s not afraid to fight for what she loves and believes in, but deep down she holds in many questions about why her life ended up where it is now. She sees both Dmitri and Xavier as brothers; and although Dmitri is the leader; Sariah is undoubtedly the brains. It’s been her ability to strategize that has allowed the group to survive for the past year.

Setting:
Modern day Japan (Reason for eventual character name change)

Story Setup:
Dmitri, Xavier, and Sariah have spent the last year of their lives struggling to make it on their own. They hardly eat; sleep wherever they can and do odd jobs to try to make it through another day. They endure this struggle because they are working towards having an identity; a purpose. One day they stumble upon some masks that grant them amazing power, shortly after; a man named Vincent invites them to join a secret organization known as The Mask Hunters Society, a group who searches for all of the masks similar to the one Dmitri and the gang found. Believing they have found their purpose, the three of them join the Hunters in their search, but what they aren’t aware of is just how treacherous the path they have chosen is.


Key Tidbits:
There are 100 Masks in the world.

Each mask grants its wearer a power or ability.

Powers differ, some may offer powers like elemental powers, super strength etc. others may offer more subtle powers; persuasion powers, foresight, things like that.

When a mask attaches to its user it blends into their face, it only reveals itself when the user is wielding its power, some differ, example: the mask of persuasion doesn’t reveal itself at any time (for obvious reasons). Best way to describe it, the mask that attached to Dmitri is always on his face; but when you look at him you don’t see it, but if he gets into a battle with someone and uses the masks power it will appear on him.

The Mask Hunter Society not only searches for masks that are hidden around the world; they also attempt to take masks from individuals who are using the ones they have for negative reasons. They may hunt down a thief who is using the stealth mask to rob banks. (Example)

If you defeat somebody who has a mask on them you will be able to remove it from their face, however, if a person is fully aware, conscious and unharmed, the mask will not be able to be removed unless the user willingly takes it off.

What I would really like as far as feedback is concerned is two things;

1.   Obviously thoughts on the story, suggestions of things I could change up etc.

2.   Some suggestions for mask ideas, abilities really. As of now I’ve got some like the Persuasion Mask, Stealth Mask, Fire, Water, Earth etc. etc.  (Btw, those are not the names the masks will be called, they will have names more associated with the actually history of masks themselves) What I would really like is ideas for abilities different masks could offer their wearers, thank you guys a lot for your feedback as usual.

Of course if you have any questions about the story feel free to ask. I'll be glad to answer.

72
Develop Your Story / Contrast
« on: December 21, 2013, 11:56:19 AM »
Hello again good folks of MR! I'm back again to share another idea with you all and get helpful feedback from the community. I've currently put the NR Cole story back into Alpha phase so to speak, so today I want to share a story concept I came up with roughly 3 days ago. Since the idea is still both fresh and in early development I figured this would be a good way to try to flesh it out a little more with your help.

The title of the story is Contrast, it follows a 17 year old Hero named Ikan (e-khan), he lives in a world like ours (cars,technology etc.) and protects a currently unnamed city from villians with various powers and abilities. He attends high school and has 4 close friends who know of his Hero alter-ego; Jace, Masaki, Hedo and Kila. One day in class his teacher turns on the tv to show his students a developing news story, 4 mysterious figures are fighting 2 of Ikan's well known villians in the middle of a busy highway, the newscaster describes them as a new team of heroes; curiosity (and jealousy) persuade Ikan to go out and check the situation. When he arrives he sees that his enemies have been defeated and the 4 mysterious people stand over them, he gets a good look at one of them and realizes that she looks like Kila, when he calls out to her all 4 of them turn towards Ikan, at that moment he sees that they all look like his friends.

Without warning the 4 of them attack Ikan, he fights them off while questioning why they would attack him and how they were able to obtain powers. He escapes the battle from them and decides to confront them the next day in class, but when he does; none of them have a clue what he is speaking of. Ikan decides to try and forget what happened, marking it off as a dream; that's until he begins to see strange things happening in his city, unexplained deaths, people who previously had no powers suddenly obtaining them, and then another attack by the imposter friends (his name for them). Knowing he cant ignore this, Ikan decides to get to the bottom of whats going on in his city.

-To cut the story short:
.Ikan captures one of his imposter friends and questions them. He finds out that they come from another realm where they fight a losing battle against Naki, the most powerful villain in their realm, they came to Ikan's realm to seek a way to either escape or obtain help to defeat Naki, when they first saw Ikan they believed him to be Naki (because they look exactly alike except for hair color and clothes) so they attacked. What they discovered was that somehow Ikan and Naki shared a link between each other. The damage Ikan obtained from his fight with the imposter four was reflected on Naki in their realm. So they made the decision to kill Ikan in this realm to see if it would kill Naki in theirs.

.Ultimately what ends up occurring is that Ikan discovers that Naki Is the evil side of him. Where as Ikan is the strongest hero in his realm, Naki is the strongest villain in his.

.They learn that the two realms were once one united realm, it was attacked by an alien race, the heroes of the realm tried defending the world but were losing because the villains refused to help, the aliens' ability to bring out the darkness in not only the heroes; but the civilians as well. In order to save everyone, the realms strongest hero, Kain, decided to split the realm in 2, splitting the evil and good personalities of everyone between them.

.Some people in one realm were powerless individuals, but in the other they were powerful heroes. Some were innocent do gooders in one, while in the other they were treacherous villains. Others remained powerless in both (mostly citizens) Kain tried to create a balance between the two realms, splitting himself as well, his good (Ikan) and his bad (Naki).

.The group of heroes led by the imposter four discovered a black hole that led them to Ikans realm.

.Ikan offers to assist them in finding a way to stop Naki, they agree to not use  the portal between realms as much. However, when a hero in the imposter four realm is defeated and shamed by one of Naki's highest ranking officers, they travel to Ikans realm and kill that same officer there; which in turn kills him in the other realm. This catches the attention of Naki who was already suspicious about the unexplained pain he had been feeling.

. So basic breakdown of the story:
-Ikan and Naki will become linked enemies. Fighting under different banners yet unable to kill one another. The more traveling done between the realms the more connected they begin to become. People from both realms begin getting linked; giving birth to new allies and enemies. Eventually what happens is that the alien race, which was trapped in the original united realm, begin to re-emerge; forcing the hands of both realms. Villains and heroes work together to stop a common threat, this also forces Ikan and Naki to merge to fight the biggest threats to both their worlds.

How do links work? Simple. Every person in each realm has something that "links' them to their counterpart. For instance, the link between Ikan and Naki is a woman. Ikan is secretly in love with this girl (unnamed atm) in his realm, he wont tell her because he's shy. Now in Naki's realm, that same girl is his wife, for as cruel as he is Naki has a soft side for his wife. It isn't until later that they discover she is their link. So in other words, it could be a teddy bear, a hat, anything simple that could connect both people.

Why weren't these links always there?
.Because, when Kain separated the realm in two he thought he sealed off both realms from one another, however, in order for him to have created the two realms in the first place he had to split himself in three, two physical forms to oversee both realms and one mental form to oversee the power he used to create the realms in the first place. When he did that he created the first link (Naki's wife, Ikans love interest) to allow his being to oversee everything. This created a very small portal between the realms, it supported only one link, his. But when the imposter four discovered the portal and began using it; the portal itself began to expand, forging more and more links as it went along.

Sooooo.... since I am done confusing the hell out of all of you please feel free to comment about how confused you are! Lol. honestly, if you are confused, begin your response with confused and then put which part and i'll be glad to attempt to elaborate.

again, thanks in advance for the feedback, Lorenx if you comment on this, I'm ready for you! Lol

73
Develop Your Story / The Story of NR Cole
« on: December 06, 2013, 08:50:32 PM »
( I Posted this in Manga Creations and wasn't getting any feedback and I believe it's because I posted it in the wrong area, so hopefully this is the right place to be)

Hey guys, I wanted to share with you all a story that i've been working on. I have a few in the works but I particularly wanted some feedback on this one. It takes place in a world that I intend on expanding on and creating new stories and characters based in it (which is in progress) but for now I'll share with you this one.
The main character is named NR Cole, NR is abbreviated for Necromancer, he is Death, he claims souls, sends the evil to the Hellspawn and sends the pure to the Guardians, the unclaimed are added to his personal army. I'll be more than willing to give a more detailed description of the character if you'd guys like, but for now here is a brief description of the story.

...Necromancer Cole is Death, the bridge between Heaven and Hell. He's a solitary individual who keeps to himself as the neverending war between the Guardians and Hellspawn rages on. He calls hell his home and claims lost souls for his army. When Lucifer is slain during a battle, his energy is released and the origins of evil are given physical forms. With the helm of the demon king up for grabs; battles begin within hell itself. Braga, the origin of War gains the upper hand on his foes and claims the mantle, fearing an uprising from Cole, he immediately exiles him from hell, trapping him with the mortals of earth.  Fueled by revenge, Cole makes a deal with the Guardians, he pledges to them 1 million souls of their choosing in exchange for a return to hell so that he can kill Braga. With his title of Necromancer forbidden in the living realm, Cole adopts the moniker NR. As the Souls get closer and closer to 1 million, the whispers become louder.... "Upon the salvation of the 1 millionth soul, Hell shall feel the wrath of NR Cole." ...

This is the basis. During the story there will be additional plot lines developed, new villians introduced and setups for future iterations of the NR Cole story. Please share your thoughts on the basic concept, suggestions, things of that nature. Thank you all in advance.

74
Manga Creations / NR Cole
« on: December 06, 2013, 04:42:13 PM »
Hey guys, I wanted to share with you all a story that i've been working on. I have a few in the works but I particularly wanted some feedback on this one. It takes place in a world that I intend on expanding on and creating new stories and characters based in it (which is in progress) but for now I'll share with you this one.
The main character is named NR Cole, NR is abbreviated for Necromancer, he is Death, he claims souls, sends the evil to the Hellspawn and sends the pure to the Guardians, the unclaimed are added to his personal army. I'll be more than willing to give a more detailed description of the character if you'd guys like, but for now here is a brief description of the story.

...Necromancer Cole is Death, the bridge between Heaven and Hell. He's a solitary individual who keeps to himself as the neverending war between the Guardians and Hellspawn rages on. He calls hell his home and claims lost souls for his army. When Lucifer is slain during a battle, his energy is released and the origins of evil are given physical forms. With the helm of the demon king up for grabs; battles begin within hell itself. Braga, the origin of War gains the upper hand on his foes and claims the mantle, fearing an uprising from Cole, he immediately exiles him from hell, trapping him with the mortals of earth.  Fueled by revenge, Cole makes a deal with the Guardians, he pledges to them 1 million souls of their choosing in exchange for a return to hell so that he can kill Braga. With his title of Necromancer forbidden in the living realm, Cole adopts the moniker NR. As the Souls get closer and closer to 1 million, the whispers become louder.... "Upon the salvation of the 1 millionth soul, Hell shall feel the wrath of NR Cole." ...

This is the basis. During the story there will be additional plot lines developed, new villians introduced and setups for future iterations of the NR Cole story. Please share your thoughts on the basic concept, suggestions, things of that nature. Thank you all in advance.

75
Welcome Center / Hello All
« on: December 02, 2013, 11:49:55 PM »
My name is Jeremy, I'm a laid back at times lazy person who suffers from Idea Overload Syndrome. When I have time to myself I spend it thinking of story ideas and concepts. I've joined Manga Raiders because I am interested in sharing some of my stories, transferring them from brain to screen. My goal is to hopefully not only intrigue you all with my stories but also accept constructive criticism to make not only my stories better but also my writing skills. I also want to see and read new and unique ideas from you all. I hope this was a good introduction and I look forward to interacting with you all! -WhiteCrow

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