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Messages - Lumaria

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Manga Creations / Re: REWIND
« on: August 17, 2013, 09:37:43 PM »
Here's the problem, it makes no sense. If this one of those cult animes, you could probably get away with it. But you can't. Even if he's remembering it, the plot still lacks substance and flow. A lot of what's going on is mostly his daily life and him spouting nonsense.

He's acting weird. Are you actually imagining this plot come to life? A lot of illustration is missing, its most likely we're not seeing what you're not seeing. When it comes to mysteries, you have to give more subtle hints, not a huge barracade of givens that don't really help the reader decipher it.

The character is still unsatisfying and the dialogue still sounds scratchy. Its not that we don't get any answers, its that we don't see any thought process in the characters and the plot moves sluggish, than fast, and than at a random comedic pace.

EDIT: Don't be fooled by author's hindsight. Your chapter is still bad and rushes things. It doesn't make sense, even if that was 1/3 of your chapter, none of it made sense. There's a difference from being "mysterious and building suspence" and "Rushing and making you readers ask WTF"

Members Manga / Re: R.u.N. ~ Web Manga about Parkour
« on: August 17, 2013, 02:21:17 PM »
I've read this before and the issues still stand. you have great artwork, however heavily influenced by western style.

Your comedy also gets a little dry. sure a few chickles, but it also ruins the mood of your story. it's in the phase of serious and comical. Anything could happen, but you don't expect it. but if "anything" did happen in your story (for example, aliens, monsters, etc.) it wouldn't come off as unnatural because your story is in that middle ground thats trying to be both a comedy and a serious story.

Also, note the amateur manga cliches such as liking manga. It just seems to draw too much attention for your fascination of manga that it doesn't really translate well. I also see more enemies, some of them look very close to manga style and others don't. while its good to have varying characters, some of them don't even look like their drawn by the same person. and that's probably because the first 2-3 chapters we saw characters with a more comedic design.

Manga Creations / Re: Sora
« on: August 17, 2013, 02:07:44 PM »
it would be better if you provided a link or at least where to look. because i'm having a difficult time finding it in manga creations

Members Manga / Re: Trouble Maker
« on: August 17, 2013, 01:53:51 PM »
You have really good potential here. The main character however looks striking resemblance to one in Blue Exocist. Most of the lines are the same thickness which makes me assume you're drawing most of this on computer or you don't use different pens to draw your characters and backgrounds. And sometimes the inking is just too thick in certain areas.

 Work on your backgrounds, see if you could find a pen with a fine point. It takes a lot of time just to draw backgrounds and that's why usually manga artist have assistants to do them, but its always encouraged to do them yourself. It's good to pencil out your work too if it gets too complex, such as the empire state building. that way you can ink it easier.  You also use of shading (by computer?) for the sky, it would be great if you could add more of that throughout the art. here were some areas where you could've shaded in. There's alot of white. You could add shading to the crowd so you can pinpoint the two characters easier in the beginning for example.

The plot is interesting which is good but it could be more refined. You added too many "givens" such as the arabian terrorist being followed. That scene could've been expanded more such as him noticing and trying to get away. The side view of the terrorist and the fridge just didn't look right. You were trying to hard for comedy, and that's not bad but sometimes comedy dumbs down a story. The word "troublemaker" seems to be thrown in alot and doesn't seem to have a proper term in the plot. It would be better not to use it as much or change the name to something else other than "troublemaker"

Manga Creations / Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 1
« on: August 16, 2013, 07:49:31 PM »
Hmmm...its hard to do that. It may be better if you reworked the plot to be meant for manga. Its still very difficult to absorb as there's this tone this character has. Writing in first person is very difficult because you can't add too much personality as it could be written in such a way where all you see is the main character talking rather than visualizing what happening but you can't have too little where it sounds like a robot.

Its still not upto speed of normal 1st person novel.

Manga Creations / Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 1
« on: August 16, 2013, 02:35:27 PM »
Was looking for the first arc. Found it. Anyways, this is a little difficult to get into (as a manga story) for one, its all in first person and manga is usually in third person view with some 1st person narration. Another I can't seem to keep up with it. I will come back and edit my comment as soon as I finish chapter 1. But its very difficult to imagine.

Once translated into manga I can easily imagine half of the narration being cropped. Overall, it doesn't seem to be meant for manga (and I read the first page and I'm fully aware that another editor said something similar). The first chapter can easily be summarized by empty panels. The "timing" of it all didn't seem that relevant. Some description of certain character was too detailed that it took away some of the feel of the story.

Members Manga / Re: Migoto(shonen manga)
« on: August 16, 2013, 02:24:27 PM »
Your art looks mostly solid, but facial expressions aren't consistent try practicing drawing their faces at different angles. One thing you should look at is the space between eyes and where the nose and mouth are placed.  Some line variation won't hurt too. All the lines look like their at the same thickness, and that's not bad depending on how well balanced the thickness is. Try looking at other manga to show you the line variation. Your clouds look too cartoony. Its really hard to get into the artwork. I suggest working on perspective as well.

As for story, there are a few panels that seem to be wasted. On a few minor things. It would've been great if we got some narrative but that also sort of clashes with that little speech that old lady gave. The face mr.mooki made seemed odd when he said he would let him watch TV.

Overall I feel your artwoork is trying to fit too close to the old style of the 80s manga. Its not bad, just needs to be more refined.

Manga Creations / Re: Sora
« on: August 16, 2013, 02:08:53 PM »
Often times when they get started in general they don't take that much than an additional 5-10 pages, sometimes +20. So if 40 pages max, this one page has already taken a lot of the chapter. Yes I'm aware that in other magazines they would make them even longer, but not a lot of it is dedicated to the intro. I highly suggest you talk to your writer about this. Having just this long intro seems like its trying to be a chapter 1.

Manga Creations / Re: Sora
« on: August 16, 2013, 12:23:25 AM »
Well I hope soo. For now, I'm more concerned on how mch you know about the story. Usually intros aren't this long. Their short and leave room for interpetation. This however trying a little too hard to be a chapter, and usually 20 pages is enough for a chapter 1.

Manga Creations / Re: Sora
« on: August 15, 2013, 09:27:57 PM »
Problem is "i don't get it". There is not much to go on. What am i suppose to get out of this chapter? It moves too fast and i can't get a good read on anything that's happening, if this entire chapter was based on something thats going to connect to the first chapter, then it might aswell not have been the first thing to reveal, even if you're trying to use a chapter 0 to make sense of chapter 1, it should at least make sense.

A lot of "hinting" of whats going on but it still doesn't connect. It's most likely on how it's set up, the setting is in the sky realm, the characters are not introduced by other characters or narration but rather in the script format. Alot of it are things the author wants the reader to know instantly, but theres no "reveal"

For example: those 3 hooded figures shouldn't have names unless someone mentions their name. Their dialogue is full of jargon. Its very off-putting.

Manga Creations / Re: Sora
« on: August 15, 2013, 06:39:57 PM »
Sorry but I could not finish the first chapter. For one, you seem to give out these characters names quite easily and they don't even use them. You also reveal where their at too. Would we know exactly where their at once its drawn out?

The plot just didn't connect at all. It was like jumping in the middle of a story arc. It was also trying too hard to give "something" to the reader, but it only left so many questions of what was happening. Too much was being revealed not a lot of it came off as mystery.

I will try to finish the first chapter.

Manga Creations / Re: REWIND
« on: August 15, 2013, 03:11:03 PM »
Well for one, the plot is really not trying to draw in readers. It was very very boring. Like that was probably intentional but you sold it too much. Another issue is the ending. His thoughts were going off throughout the whole chapter and we really couldn't connect them well.

For one this character genuinely believes the thoughts that come into mind and he doesn't even try to shake them off. The whole scene with work was practically pointless as nothing happened there that was relevant, not even to gain some back story. Then he meets this girl we just heard of and then we find out he got shot?

My advice: Either expand this twice or even thrice or rewrite it to have a completely different beginning.

Manga Creations / Re: Fated Encounter
« on: August 14, 2013, 10:38:12 PM »
Well it woould help if it was in third person and script format. I've read it and its all in the view of the main character. Not a lot of description going on. For you to illustrate this as manga, you have to write it in third person. I divide my script into SCENE (where its taking place), ACTION (what the character is doing or what's happening in his/her surrounding), DIALOGUE (what the characters are saying).

Also there's not a lot to go on from what happened. It all happened very fast and it doesn't seem to be a flashback. It happened recently.

Welcome Center / Re: hi i'm lorenx1, aspiring writer/critic
« on: August 10, 2013, 09:44:29 PM »
at the moment having the most difficult time finding a way to upload a profile pic

Welcome Center / hi i'm lorenx1, aspiring writer/critic
« on: August 10, 2013, 09:17:49 PM »
my real name is Lori. i write manga stories and also give critique on other works and that also gives me some help as well on what not to do and what works and what makes western-mangas different from authentic manga.

i was introduced here by another user in a different forum named iANBU. that's all i have to say.

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