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Messages - Lumaria

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Develop Your Story / Re: FNO
« on: August 05, 2015, 10:03:26 PM »
It's a placeholder, as I said on my topic. "Psychological steampunk manga" would not have had the same flair. Besides, it states very clearly to any forum-goer what it's about.

NO but you can use certain combination of phrases or just one phrase that explains. for example Bleach. Or you can make up your own that will be used in the context of the story (you are calling them demons, which is a overly broad term, focus on a certain aspect and give them a unique name and you can use it as part of the series)
In re to your prologue, you should listen to people speak. The characters have little to no punctuation in their dialogue, and Tara sounds like a town crier or an excited market vendor in the first line.

That aside, she's not fully fleshed out and has a tacked on personality.

At the moment, yes, the original prologue does sound pretty bad. hopefully when he made the revised chapter 1, its not intended to be part of it.

Develop Your Story / Re: FNO
« on: August 05, 2015, 08:21:54 PM »
With the current lack of proper character development, and characters just accepting eachother, it does feel that way....it definitely needs to be properly fleshed out.

But for someone who named their series "demon Hunter" as a form of admitting has nothing original to offer, you have very little room to say.

Develop Your Story / Re: FNO
« on: August 05, 2015, 04:06:25 PM »
Well complete amnesia also allows us to meet characters...like i said, its still a little rushed. Try taking it slow. You have to truly imagine what amnesia is like.

I dont really care if you name a character off your username (especially in a story about MMO), i just highly advise you not to grow attached to the character simply by name. In fact try to justify the character outside of it.

I would recommend now just focusing on the main aspect. Too many things going on in the plot. We dont need all that. If it were me, i would focus on just the characters Tara is meeting.

Develop Your Story / Re: FNO
« on: August 05, 2015, 02:03:24 AM »
Dont worry about explaining classes unless it disrupts the flow of the story. I do think that choosing a class speaks volumes on what kind of personality they have, but i dont think that class should dictate the personality of the player. Honestly, classes can be dumbed down in the beginning and slowly go into detail whenever necessary.

Ive read it, and its heading toward the right direction in terms of character developmemt. At least youre not making them vague and indistinguishable. The only thing is i felt characters were rushed. When i made Tara ask why there was a name above Olsins head ,that was the biggest clue as to Tara not even knowing shes in a game. Your method still rushes with tiny hints. But a little more of an introduction is whats missing. In every short story you sort of throw us in the middle.

another issue is that were focused primarily on western interpretation on japanese phrases. Terms such as waifu, weabo, and using honorifics.

Overall your characters are better. The only thing is organize the story, and make sure that there isnt tooich and reveal everything in due time. You went back with the idea of Tara slowly losing her memory...i dont know if you see ot. But its already making it difficult for a reader to grasp where Taras mindset is.

Develop Your Story / Re: FNO
« on: August 03, 2015, 03:56:59 PM »
I was only giving an example of what is added in. I did have to add more to Tara to make her understandable. Keep in mind, that was mostly a first draft. A more revised would take out typos and also probably expand her thought process or maybe make her battle a monster in the first chapter. I intentionally changed Taras persona that would better suit the Amnesia aspect of hee

As for Olsin, your approach was making a character that you cant trust and made it obvious that they couldnt trust, yet Tara did what he asked. My rendition was that despite him lying, he was easy to believe.

But i want you to see what was added in and what wasnt. I focused almost  entirely on character reaction and made sure it was natural yet i only revealed so very little on the world of FNO, such as reversals. I didnt talk about Tara's past, but Olsin hinted it and in a way where it promises it will be expanded very very soon

Develop Your Story / Re: FNO
« on: August 03, 2015, 01:08:56 AM »
I think you're missing my point. I'm saying that is what should change as it restricts character and story development which just damages the potential to get readers invested in the story.
and what do you think ive been saying?

Develop Your Story / Re: FNO
« on: August 02, 2015, 11:17:17 AM »
If it sounds presumptious its because ive seen his excuses based on Tara. Most of his excuses are indeed based around the idea that the story and game restrict her from revealing what kind of person she is

Develop Your Story / Re: FNO
« on: August 02, 2015, 01:28:51 AM »
The only reason why you disagree is because you havent followed his writing up until now.

Lord Kesashi knows how to write a decent character. But so far every excuse was based on his plans for how the system works and how it affects Tara

Develop Your Story / Re: FNO
« on: August 01, 2015, 06:04:56 PM »
from what he has now, its not working. he really needs to choose something that grows naturally, not confuse and make it difficult ot developm.

Develop Your Story / Re: FNO
« on: August 01, 2015, 05:18:04 PM »
he's making it pre-determined but the class once determined controls the character. NOw for me, i think thats is both restricting. Its an interesting idea, i just dont see it as a workable one, as it shows more restrictions andmore questions. but overall it already shows its affecting his character.

Develop Your Story / Re: FNO
« on: August 01, 2015, 04:44:22 PM »
I meant no offence Luma. I am fully aware of that and respect your talent to give that example in such a short time frame.

I'm not a long time member but from what I picked up you and SwordHero have had some conflict in the past, I find it irrelevant to compare him/her in this post so I think the admins would agree that you should stop bringing up that matter right now. I mean no disrespect in this, I hope you understand but I did notice the issue being flagged up when I first joined and for your own sake I think you'd be best not to bring the subject into this thread.

Kesashi, you certainly do have interesting ideas, I agree Lumaria that the classes determined by personality is intriguing and I do genuinely believe that there is a lot more life available in the "living in a game world" genre as I found both Sword Art and Log Horizon lacking severely in major crucial areas that killed the idea for many people.

id didn't point him out to offend him. i pointed it out because they are two similar situations. It had to be brought out in order to understand the full situation.

personally, the idea is intriguing, but does it help him make a better story? He's adding that idea "on top" of amnesia. He is trying to make a unique character based on unique circumstances (not personality or goals, or any other character traits).

He is also making it so the classses "restrict" them from evolving to new personalities.

Announcements / Re: It's been 8 years !
« on: August 01, 2015, 03:35:43 PM »
perhaps the title should be "8 year anniversary" more than "its been 8 years" just to help suggest that its reocrruing.

Announcements / Re: It's been 8 years !
« on: August 01, 2015, 03:10:30 PM »
Are you serious Lumaria

Honestly? 8 years doesnt feel all that different from 9 or 7. 10 really shows where its at.

Announcements / Re: It's been 8 years !
« on: August 01, 2015, 02:45:14 PM »
Couldve waited for the 10 year mark.

Bleach Manga / Re: Bleach Manga Chapter Discussion
« on: August 01, 2015, 02:38:16 PM »
And the story revert back to more unnecessary surprises.

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