October 21, 2019, 06:15:58 AM

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Messages - Coryn

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Welcome Center / Re: Been awhile...
« on: September 05, 2019, 10:44:55 PM »
True. Becoming "mature" doesn't mean giving up your childlike wonder or whatever. It just means now you gotta do the grocery shopping and pay the bills on time. It's not better or worse than actually being a kid. It's just different. Besides, it's only as adults that we can fully self actualize and do truly great things with our lives.

MR Pub / Re: Milestones
« on: September 05, 2019, 10:42:01 PM »
You hit the nail on the head Suuper! Length is probably the last thing anyone should be thinking about when writing. You can see what getting paid by the word did to Dickens. A Christmas Carol would have been just as long and annoying to read as A Take of Two Cities had he been paid per word. Instead of a true classic, we would have gotten another tired feeling novel that we only remember the first line of. (that being said, "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It was a time that tried men's souls." Is still a pretty great way to open any story.)

A long way to go may be understating things somewhat...

Ah, historically speaking I think it's something of the opposite.

Welcome Center / Re: Been awhile...
« on: September 03, 2019, 09:31:54 PM »
Ah hell, I've been acclimating to adult life (I had just graduated college the last time you were around). I myself had lost a lot of my drive, but it came roaring back last year, so I'm still riding that wave. Things are pretty good over here!

Manga Art Gallery / Re: KeaneFox Artwork
« on: September 03, 2019, 08:33:32 PM »
ah...that is a different Dave Chappelle than I'm used....  :ohmy:

Comics and other Gallery / Re: Miscellaneous Arts and Sketchbook
« on: September 03, 2019, 08:31:34 PM »
Lego you need to start adding more sound effects to these things. Also: I'm looking forward to you making some actual manga pages after all of these. You've definitely improved in just these 2000 figures!

Manga Art Gallery / Re: BobbyJoex's Gallery(unorginized)
« on: September 03, 2019, 08:26:55 PM »
He looks cool! I really like the vest, it's a nice touch!

Welcome Center / Re: Been awhile...
« on: September 03, 2019, 08:25:29 PM »
Welcome back to the forum Blackhowling! Glad you've come back around! How has life been since you've last been around?

MR Pub / Re: Chit Chat 2019
« on: September 02, 2019, 10:38:39 PM »
There is often not enough room left in modern society for the concept of just doing nothing. Sometimes nothing can be it's own reward damnit! They should teach Sitting On the Porch Staring At Trees:101 in every highschool in the world. See also: Shut Up and Let Your Mind Wander: 201.

Manga Creations / Re: Mystic: One-Shot
« on: September 02, 2019, 10:19:06 PM »
Alright then let's give this a whirl! I hope I can drum up some useful critiques for you!

- You dump a whole heck of a lot of exposition at the top there. I understand that that this is a one-shot, so you don't have time to slowly roll out information, but while that remains true you should look at it from a different point of view. Instead of "This is a one-shot, I need to get the information out fast.", It should be "This is a one-shot, I don't have to give them everything." It's good for the full more to exist, it makes for a better world, but for a self contained piece, you only need to give the reader what's necessary to get through. For instance, unless we end up dealing with specifics related to the shadow realm, it's perfectly fine to say the base exists in a dimension only the mystics can access. A reader doesn't need the full break down when the concept can be interpreted without it.

- Going out of the way to explain that Japan has a lot of monsters feels really ham fisted. It's enough to list a boatload of places, and if the story happens to be set in Japan, then great. But everywhere in the world is bursting with urban legends and tales of creatures. Folklore runs deep no matter where you go, so taking a paragraph to wave your hands about Japan is just a way to scream "I'm heavily influenced by manga and anime!". Just let us know what the situation is, and arrive to the setting naturally.

- There's a lot of fat I'm seeing that can stand to be trimmed. Little details that don't add to the story, and only serve as distractions. For instance, we really don't need to know what the guy was eating for lunch. If he is forced to stop in the middle of lunch, that's all we need to know. The reader isn't going to be interested in what that lunch was. If the reader isn't logically going to ask a question, then you don't need to spend time and energy coming up with an answer.

- The consistency of the dialogue could be improved. There's a whole lot of improper speach and spellings ("ain't", "yes"), tossed in with elaborately worded sentences from the same character a moment later. Aim for every character to have a specific time of speech. Imagine what they sound like in your head. What does their voice sound like, what accent do they have, what slang have they picked up, do they have any speaking quirks. As it is, everyone has the same inconsistent sound to their dialogue, so it's hard to pick out their intentions.

- So what? We just kill of the bad guy in the middle here? You take a second to hint at a larger plot, but then we have a massive gear shift out of nowhere. It's narrative whiplash, but the nature of the short story is that you need a strong narrative track to bring us from beginning to end. Imagine the classic plot curve from literature class. Rising action, climax, falling action, conclusion. This thing needs to be self contained, a single story unit that you can put on a wall and describe easily. But you're veering off the road, and that's adding needless complexity to something that needs simplicity. Curve balls are fine, but only once you've earned them. Don't have twists just for the sake of them.

- Okay, so I get that "hero causes a lot of damage but it's okay because he's the hero" is a trope that is absolutely everywhere, but that doesn't mean it's a good one. Literally everything this story has told us about its main character is screaming that his only redeeming quality is that he's good in a fight. He doesn't read as human, just as a protagonist robot. If anything they should be demoting him to janitorial assistant, not putting him in charge of people. The character is obviously a deeply flawed individual, and yet he goes through no character arc, doesn't improve himself in the slightest, and is yet somehow rewarded for it. God help whoever falls under his command, because being a leader isn't about being the strongest. They don't put the best sniper in charge of all the other snipers right? They leave it to someone who is trained in tactics. Leadership requires you to have a whole host of skills in order to succeed, none of which are on display by the main character, I guess is what I'm getting at.

Anyway, I hope I wasn't too harsh on you Autumn. I only mean the best by it. There's certainly more to be said, but I tried to comment on the things which stuck out the most. These are probably the place to start which will help future works improve the fastest. Especially, you need to concentrate on the cutting out of fat, as it were. Focus first on telling a good story. Understand it's bones. Only then should you add flesh, and only then may you add skin, hair, and make-up. Don't confuse set dressing for content.

Good luck! Let me know if you have any questions on what I said.

Alright, let's delve in! It will be interesting to read this now and compare it to what I've read before way back in the day. Per my usual style, comments will be written as I progress.

- You're description of the scene's actions are nice as always! It's very easy to visualize as I go along.

- What kind of bowling alley has bleachers in it?

- Ah yes, I almost forgot you specialized in an R-rated monogatari style.

- I know you delve into it later, so God knows what's what, but right now I'm calling that Osamu is literally cursed.

- More and more these days I'm with Yoko. Twitter makes a life of subsistence farming sound pretty good at times.

- One is forced to wonder what ex-black ops charged by the hour.

- One must also wonder how Osamu managed to get involved with one crazed woman after another. Busy early life, definitely cursed.

- Ah, yeah, probably best not to kick off a mad-cap romantic comedy with a rape.

Unfortunately I only have the time to get through Day 1 for now! I will say though, this as compared to what I've read in the past is far, far more polished! The years of practice have treated you well my friend! Hopefully I can push on soon, but duty calls (or rather, the Happy Hour does), ciao!

Develop Your Story / Re: Charred Life (Rewritten)
« on: September 02, 2019, 02:51:57 PM »
Alright! Finally time to get some honest reviewing done! Per usual, I'm just going to be commenting as I go along, so if you see some comments that seem odd given later context, don't sweat it! It's just my way of giving honest reactions.

Let's get to it then.


- I like the way the little bits of action you have happening to the characters starts to flesh out the surroundings as we go along. It's refreshing not to have to have any drudgery that comes from reading about the setting before actually getting into the good stuff.

- It's an interesting style of formatting. Very spaced out and punchy. It works pretty well in the prologue, but always be wary of not overusing any single formatting trick. You can very easily squeeze all of the goodness from it without meaning to.

Chapter 1:

- It's kind of a weird jump in that first little stretch. The girl seems to be in a house, but then we get a bit of narration and then she's suddenly outside? Might work better if the conversation is something she's recalling, and not something that seems to be happening in real time.

- " the young girl sought out the black garb of the Wardens." - Looks like you missed a "one".

- Well that took an abrupt turn. Fantasy to neo-futurism whiplash a bit.

- The birdie sounds real cool. I kinda want one myself now!

- A bit of a strange place to end the first chapter. Usually you'd expect more of a nail at the end. A splash screen with the tiltle across the top of the screen, proverbially, of course, haha.

Chapter 2:

- Did he think it was going to knock her out or something? Seems like no matter what happened here, our erstwhile Roun was going to get found out.

- And now there are daggers? That escalated quickly!

- "That threat had come out of nowhere." - Sounds like it came from somewhere very specific!

- "And give me back my dagger." - I feel like the dagger should be a privilege, not a right.

I will say that I thought the flow was fine with this chapter. It is a bit still in the action, but long conversations fall prey to that easily. If you don't plan on having characters move, make an effort to cut any 'fat' out of a conversation that you can. Banter is still fun, but if it's included, make every word weigh ton!

Chapter 3:

- "all blocks and edges with large glass windows." - You could establish the rule of 3 here by replacing "with" with "and" and cutting out "large" and "windows" entirely. If you're saying it's all blocks and edges and glass, then we get the same image of the building, and it makes things much snappier to read. As it is, the end of the sentence drags a bit.

- Wow, all of these kinda out there names, and suddenly it's just 'Dave'? That's the wildest thing yet.

- I sense a tragic mother syndrome coming on.

I can definitely see why you started splitting the chapters. It's not as if the actual length is a problem, but I wouldn't want to push too too much still conversation together. At the very least, you need to keep a pretty good rotating cast of characters and topics. As it is we're basically just following the same couple of people, talking about roughly the same thing. I'm not sure what all else you've got going on at this point, but if the option is there, it wouldn't hurt to lace some things together to help give more of a change to the reader. That being said, this still all feels very much like 'episode 1' kinda stuff. I won't say it's too much of it yet, but if we're going to go from one long conversation to another, there definitely needs to be some action to interrupt things. What you did with the birdie was really good earlier, so maybe it's just dragging a little because the zooming around was so cool!

I think chapter 3 could really but cut down if you wanted to. There's a lot of back and forth, but there's not a whole lot of information being passed. It could be worth while to go through everything, and just highlight the exact lines which actually move forward our understanding of the plot and then you'll know which ones are just there filling space. You can then go through and ask your self at every exchange "do I love this?" if you don't, then why should the reader love it? Ask yourself hard questions wherever you can, and it will make for a stronger work!

Good stuff overall! I'm excited to read more when the time comes! For now though I have other stuff to occupy my Labor Day!

Comics and other Gallery / Re: Echo's Other Art
« on: September 02, 2019, 02:18:48 PM »
Oh yeah, hope I didn't spoil that too badly for you. The chapter titles really give it away though (they're literally all just named after the stages of grief)

As always, I turn to Bob Ross for scenery inspiration. Try some winter scenes! Or something dusty! Maybe an otherworldly kinda setting would work as well.

Manga Art Gallery / Re: Suuper's manga (+digital and 3D)
« on: September 02, 2019, 02:15:18 PM »
@suuper: the problem that arrises from prosperity is often overlooked. But you're definitely right. Keeping to a schedule and forming an actual, ingrained habit is the best thing any of us can do to improve. It doesn't matter how larger your leaps are. If you're putting in the work, you will get better. It's the same with scientific innovation. Everyone just wants a space ship. Nobody wants to learn about the ten million steps that have to come before.

@walter: Ooh! That gives me an idea for an open air funeral pyre/BBQ funeral. Although right now I'm still riding the 'put me under a tree' train. Much nicer memorial than just a hunk of granite if you ask me.

Manga Art Gallery / Re: Suuper's manga (+digital and 3D)
« on: September 01, 2019, 09:43:54 AM »
My condolences Suuper, but I'm glad you've gotten through the hardest part now.

Yeah, post funeral food is always a strange thing. I swear I'm putting it in my will that people are just going to throw a pizza party in my honor.

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