Well, I may have taken some time off (thanks life!
) but I'm finally back on my bull*censored*! Time to finally put out the (twice lost) chapter 3 review!
1. The school system in the universe continues to confuse me with the mention of some sort of primary school. Do these kids just get a subpar education then immediately start fighting? I in now that's the anime way, but it doesn't make for well rounded adults.
2. Speaking from experience, I may not have been in the best shape as a teenager, but an hour break after hiking all day isn't going to do you any good. Especially if it's getting dark already. Hiking in the dark is crazy dangerous, even if you know where you're headed.
3. Bryan may be an idiot, but it still feels too early to try pushing a found family narrative. Good found families should actually overcome something together before that card can be played. You could keep the lines similar, but I'd reframe it to be more about having any friends as well. Which to me would be the next obvious question.
4. You don't need to capitalize "katana".
5. Again, I know Bryan is something of an idiot, but if they're really that far into the boonies, he probably should have realized that other people don't use CROWs already.
6. If Yuki is supposed to be well mannered (or at least the most well mannered out of this lot), it should probably be "Hitachi and I" not "me and Hitachi"
7. Since you've already written it as "C.R.O.W." half a dozen times, you could just note that Hitachi examined the device before asking about its name. On the same hand, if this were in manga form and the audience could see that it's an abbreviation. In either case, we don't need Hitachi to spell out (figuratively) why he thinks it's an abbreviation. It's clear to us, so it should be clear to Hitachi.
8. Since I'm assuming this thing just looks like a smartphone, I would think Yuki would be well within range for everyone to notice her if she's getting this much detail about who is on the other end. Plus you can build up the tension more if we don't get a clue about who Bryan is talking to.
9. Instead of a "half-assed" smile, which reads more like a genuine but exhausted smile, may I suggest "painfully forced". For reference, check out the Wednesday smile in Addams Family Values.
10. "Had", not "head". Also, didn't we just establish they couldn't find a job out here? How do they suddenly have a "target"?
11. The hell did these yahoos get a table from? Are there picnic areas in this wood? Also, why are they just lounging if they know they've been spotted already (and presumably could have been followed). Just seems like a missed opportunity to lay an ambush.
12. Did they have all this camping equipment the first time?
13. If you're going to colloquialize a word, make sure to insert an apostrophe in place of the sound you've removed so "around" becomes " 'round", not "round"
14. The idea that the goons came out here without enough food or money to survive just speaks to the fact that at least one of them should know how to hunt or something. These guys are officially reccuring, so some characterization should be happening to help us keep them apart in our heads.
15. "Damn, makes me sick how happy these people are." Just going for full on cartoonishly evil then? This is too much angst for full grown adults.
16. With Bryan being serious and the others being goofy, this scene has not consistent feel to it. The needle should stay in one column or the other. A single earnest joke see tops dramatic tension in its tracks.
17. Something got censored right at the end there, and from context I have no idea what word it could have been. I'd check that line out again, and remember that a well placed asterisk will defeat MR's autocensor (sh*t, for instance).
Good job on chapter 3! My apologies in the delay of getting this review up! Chapter 4 should come much sooner!
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