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Messages - Coryn

Pages: 1 [2] 3 4 ... 1757
16
Develop Your Story / Re: GALACTIC. Comments and Criticism Encouraged!
« on: December 17, 2020, 10:16:52 PM »
I see. I work with multiple universes as well, although the greater architecture as concerns afterlives and such is a little less analogous. But I see where you're coming from. It just didn't read like that with the summaries. But what this really comes down to is how well you pull off the explanation of the multi-verse in the story as it is read. It's a big concept to weave in there, so you have to be strategic about when you reveal what information and how you do it. I'd suggest putting a sort of road map together on that. Don't get so into it that you don't actually write chapters mind you, but don't go into it blind.



17
Develop Your Story / Re: GALACTIC. Comments and Criticism Encouraged!
« on: December 14, 2020, 02:22:21 PM »
Glad to see you're finally getting to being productive Kohaku! Sometimes you just got to jump in and do what you can.

Reading the summaries, I got a few up front thoughts before delving into the story proper.

1. MR is pointedly anti-hate, so if anyone here gives you grief for having gay characters, let us know so we can take appropriate action.

2. Good luck with the whole out of order thing. It's not easy for the best of writers, and definitely not easy for regular folk. Not to mention you have a dearth of characters, so don't overdo it.

3. This empire could probably stand to have a proper name. Obviously "Galactic Empire" is already claimed by star wars, so maybe take some inspiration from dune and give it a name based on its history.

4. Hard right turn with Brimstone arc. Hard to imagine a kid living that much of a "life of sin" before the age of 14 though. I don't know if you've met one recently, but most kids are pretty dumb and dumpy once you meet them as an adult. So it's sorta hard to take the premise seriously on that end. Also seems pretty weird to go full on Catholic in the far future, but again, Dune is a good touch stone for the evolution of religious beliefs. This arc (and Love/Loathe) also bring up a question of what genre this is exactly. It felt pretty hard core sci fi until this point. Now hell is real? The universe needs some clarification.


That's all for now. I'll check out the actual chapters once my schedule clears up a bit.

18
Welcome Center / Re: Hello, everyone! New member
« on: December 09, 2020, 09:24:19 AM »
Welcome to MangaRaiders BlueJay! We're glad to have you! Since you're a writer looking to attract artists, my suggestion is to post your writing, review others' art and writing, and generally interact and be friendly! MR is more of a chill hangout than a looking for work site, so go with the flow and make some friends!

19
Manga Art Gallery / Re: 2020 panel art :>
« on: December 07, 2020, 10:37:48 PM »
The internet can definitely be sh*t sometimes. MR was founded on the idea that we wouldn't tolerate flaming (an antiquated term at this point, I know). I hope we can help you leave your art posting shell, given time.

20
Manga Art Gallery / Re: 2020 panel art :>
« on: December 07, 2020, 02:05:57 PM »
Well let me assure you Kat, that you are plenty good enough to share! You've got a strong style and loads of technical skills from what I can see. Don't think of improvement as an impediment to sharing. The truth is that sharing more often than not will lead to improvement as you get feedback and different points of view about your artwork. All of us are guilty of having a certain mindset about our own work, so letting others break that impression down a little bit leaves us with new avenues to explore!

21
Manga Writer workshop / Re: Writing Advent Calendar 2020
« on: December 06, 2020, 08:53:03 PM »
Don't sweat it Vacant! We all get sick. No need to push yourself for the sake of light hearted fun.

Day 3:

Spoiler
I'll give you a prophesy, or at least an excerpt from one: "Beware the King In The Dark."

Day 4:

Spoiler
It's very relative, as there's a decent amount of time travel, but the story kicks off in a far away dimension in 2035.

Day 5:

Spoiler
I won't call it magic, bit powers in this universe work by utilizing 'enix', which is the fundamental energy that exists beneath the planck distance, and serves as the building block of reality. You basically tap into your own enix, and that allows you to do all sorts of fun nonsense.

Day 6:

Spoiler
Since my characters spend a lot of time separated across the multiverse, remote communication is pretty difficult. So characters create and keep sets of objects embued with enix that are synced to the same time signature, and work as a locater device. That way you can not only find your friend, but guarantee that they're not suddenly ten years older than you.

22
Manga Art Gallery / Re: 2020 panel art :>
« on: December 06, 2020, 08:41:49 PM »
Those are some amazing panels! I'm glad you've shared these with us! It's definitely nerve wracking to share something for the first time, but the more you do it the more comfortable you become.

Mikey gives me real Jessica Rabbit x Betty Boop vibes! You've got some great clothing concepts from what you show here. Do you have any interest in fashion outside of artwork that you draw from? I ask since that seems to be pretty typical among manga artists specifically.

23
Manga Writer workshop / Re: Writing Advent Calendar 2020
« on: December 03, 2020, 10:19:18 AM »
Neat stuff! I guess I'll hop in the ring!

Day 1:

Spoiler
Since my story has a lot to do with parallel universes, there is a particular pocket dimension that keeps reappearing as different iterations of itself. One version is sorta a home base for the heroes, while another is a major battleground in the third book. Etc, etc.


Day 2:

Spoiler
In the story, Coryn had multiple best friends. Jack, October, Colt, (and Shiro previously). They're all immortals tied together by happenstance, but ultimately they're friends because in my story immortals don't survive very long unless they have a strong support group. Otherwise they go down the "depressive vampire" route.

24
MR Pub / Re: Chit Chat 2020
« on: December 01, 2020, 08:45:53 PM »
Just gotta go for it! Sometimes you gotta chop the top off a tree!

25
Welcome Center / Re: Hello everyone
« on: November 29, 2020, 08:25:05 PM »
Welcome to MangaRaiders! Working on art and writing is a passion project for a lot of us (I'm an engineer by trade myself). We'd welcome seeing any kind of progress you have so far!

26
MR Pub / Re: Chit Chat 2020
« on: November 29, 2020, 03:19:39 PM »
Hell, my pumpkin from halloween (uncarved) is still sitting on my porch, lol. I'll get my decorations up within the next week I'm sure. Being in an apartment though it's a bit different from the display side of things. I don't have an outlets on my balcony and I can't put a nail in my door for a wreath or anything.

I'm definitely wrapping up my christmas shopping today though. It's all going to be online anyway. Might as well just hop to it.

27
Manga Creations / Re: Dragon Universe [Reworked]
« on: November 28, 2020, 09:31:48 AM »
Well, I may have taken some time off (thanks life!  :glare:) but I'm finally back on my bull*censored*! Time to finally put out the (twice lost) chapter 3 review!


1. The school system in the universe continues to confuse me with the mention of some sort of primary school. Do these kids just get a subpar education then immediately start fighting? I in now that's the anime way, but it doesn't make for well rounded adults.

2. Speaking from experience, I may not have been in the best shape as a teenager, but an hour break after hiking all day isn't going to do you any good. Especially if it's getting dark already. Hiking in the dark is crazy dangerous, even if you know where you're headed.

3. Bryan may be an idiot, but it still feels too early to try pushing a found family narrative. Good found families should actually overcome something together before that card can be played. You could keep the lines similar, but I'd reframe it to be more about having any friends as well. Which to me would be the next obvious question.

4. You don't need to capitalize "katana".

5. Again, I know Bryan is something of an idiot, but if they're really that far into the boonies, he probably should have realized that other people don't use CROWs already.

6. If Yuki is supposed to be well mannered (or at least the most well mannered out of this lot), it should probably be "Hitachi and I" not "me and Hitachi"

7. Since you've already written it as "C.R.O.W." half a dozen times, you could just note that Hitachi examined the device before asking about its name. On the same hand, if this were in manga form and the audience could see that it's an abbreviation. In either case, we don't need Hitachi to spell out (figuratively) why he thinks it's an abbreviation. It's clear to us, so it should be clear to Hitachi.

8. Since I'm assuming this thing just looks like a smartphone, I would think Yuki would be well within range for everyone to notice her if she's getting this much detail about who is on the other end. Plus you can build up the tension more if we don't get a clue about who Bryan is talking to.

9. Instead of a "half-assed" smile, which reads more like a genuine but exhausted smile, may I suggest "painfully forced". For reference, check out the Wednesday smile in Addams Family Values.

10. "Had", not "head". Also, didn't we just establish they couldn't find a job out here? How do they suddenly have a "target"?

11. The hell did these yahoos get a table from? Are there picnic areas in this wood? Also, why are they just lounging if they know they've been spotted already (and presumably could have been followed). Just seems like a missed opportunity to lay an ambush.

12. Did they have all this camping equipment the first time?

13. If you're going to colloquialize a word, make sure to insert an apostrophe in place of the sound you've removed so "around" becomes " 'round", not "round"

14. The idea that the goons came out here without enough food or money to survive just speaks to the fact that at least one of them should know how to hunt or something. These guys are officially reccuring, so some characterization should be happening to help us keep them apart in our heads.

15. "Damn, makes me sick how happy these people are." Just going for full on cartoonishly evil then? This is too much angst for full grown adults.

16. With Bryan being serious and the others being goofy, this scene has not consistent feel to it. The needle should stay in one column or the other. A single earnest joke see tops dramatic tension in its tracks.

17. Something got censored right at the end there, and from context I have no idea what word it could have been. I'd check that line out again, and remember that a well placed asterisk will defeat MR's autocensor (sh*t, for instance).



Good job on chapter 3! My apologies in the delay of getting this review up! Chapter 4 should come much sooner!

28
MR Pub / Re: American Thanksgiving 2020
« on: November 27, 2020, 09:39:55 PM »
Copious amounts of wine! :cheer:

29
MR Pub / Re: American Thanksgiving 2020
« on: November 26, 2020, 11:24:16 PM »
I did a full turkey dinner with the works. It was only for my girlfriend and I, but hey, you gotta search for the things that ground you to how life to be in a year like this. And on the bright side, I got tons of leftovers, lol

30
MR Pub / American Thanksgiving 2020
« on: November 26, 2020, 01:02:13 PM »
Happy Thanksgiving to all our American raiders! I know it's a little weird this year, but I hope you're all staying safe and making the best of it!

(And you know it's the holidays on MR when we get a spambot posting dubious links, lol. I'm working on it.)

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