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Develop Your Story / Stasis
« on: July 09, 2018, 06:38:27 AM »
Kyle Sabberton was one of 50 chosen to be among the first humans to colonise another world in the distant Alpha Centauri, but to make the journey they would all need to be able to survive a journey that would take a millennium of space travel.

A new hibernation technology would slow time to a micron of a second, making a lifetimes journey pass by in a less than a minute. As soon as Kyle entered the device, the world outside had changed. Outside of the capsule, he finds that their ship has split open. Mould and vines cover the walls.

Kyle is able to wake several others before exploring the world and finding an Orc-like race to the north. And an Elf-like race to the south. The gods they worship seem unsettlingly familiar. Just where exactly did they land?

(There could be an obvious plot twist. I'll be trying to steer away from that and hopefully make an interesting one.)

I'm just planning on writing this casually on the side. Progress will be slow...
Also, I'm pretty bad at creating interesting characters. I'm thinking the protagonsit will be a cripple and a survivalist who's always positive. Never gives up, but that character can change too.

If any of you guys/gals have cool character ideas. I'd love to hear them. :)

FanFics / Re: A Flaw in the Force
« on: June 01, 2018, 04:15:42 AM »
Cheers Coryn. Will do.  :thumbsup:

FanFics / Re: A Flaw in the Force
« on: May 30, 2018, 11:43:08 PM »
Hey Lego! Thanks for checking out my story. As always, your feedback is greatly appreciated. I've listened to your advice and spaced it out more.

I realise it may seem a bit off for Mace to fight his human instincts, but we know all the jedi likely have them. Obi Wan may of been better at fighting them, but I like the idea that perhaps Mace was just better at hiding them. Better than a flamboyant Anakin Skywalker who'll just draw attention from everyone.

Can I ask for an example of an important story event I've summarized? I''ll use that and try and find the others I've butched up. One day I'll get better at writing. ><

If there's enough interest I'd continue with this story. I'd probably write it something like; Star Tek Universe helps star wars universe but also recruits their help in defeating a greater intergalactic menace. A horde of space-wizards similar to jedi that the Federation are not able to stop.

To fix that issue with '"Long ago" in a galaxy far far away...', I was thinking of perhaps having the ending with an aged Spoc. Living in a utopian future where everyone has force powers. He is reading a story to his grandson, (perhaps 'Kirk Kenobi'... cause... catchy...lol) He'll state that this tale happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away and in the end they all lived long and prospered happily ever after....

That or a dystopian post-apocalyptic future with something similar.

Is it ok for me to post pictures from different random websites\artists in my stories?

Develop Your Story / Re: Deifics
« on: May 25, 2018, 08:08:10 PM »
It gets a bit dark. I will be gong the Seinen route. I don't want him too bitter though. Not sure what to do with him. I'll keep writing. Let me know if hes too bitter/not bitter enough for the story as it progresses.

Started writing up book 3. Tried to keep the 'close up' and 'focus on' to a minimum. Haven't fixed the old books yet. Hope this style reads a bit better.
Deifics Book 3 (WIP)
Panel 1. Alarm clock buzzes
Caption: 22 years ago… Peter gets ready for another day.
Panel 2. Takes shower
Panel 3. Gets dressed.
Panel 4. Walks to work.  It’s snowing lightly outside.
Panel 5. Walks past a group of beggars. A skinny one asks for help.
Panel 6. Peter continues walking.
Panel 1. Peter approaches his work cubicle.
Panel 2. A man 10 years his senior approaches his desk.
Thomas: Morning Peter, can I get you anything?
Peter: Yes thanks. A coffee, black. 2 sugars, 1 milk.
Panel 3. Peter begins typing in something on his computer.
Panel 4. Thomas brings back the coffee.
Thomas: What’s that you’re working on… Looks interesting.
Peter: I think I may have something here that could save the company hundreds of thousands
Panel 5. Peter sips coffee.
Thomas: Oh yeah. I think I remember you mentioning that. You’re pitching it to the board today aren’t you?
Panel 6. Peter looks surprised.
Peter: Yes, that’s right. How did you know that?
Thomas: A good secretary will know these things…
Panel 1. Peters vision begins to blur.
Panel 2. Peter passes out on his keyboard.
Thomas: …but I’m far too good to be working for someone like you.
Panel 3. Peter begins to wake from his slumber. Drool pouring out of his moth onto the keyboard.
Panel 4. It’s night time and everyone has left.
Panel 5. There is a new file on his desktop. Readme.txt.
Panel 1. Peter opens the document.
Caption: Peter, If your reading this, it was a great success. I attended the board meeting, pitched that idea and got that promotion you’ve been after for so long. You can congratulate me later.
Panel 2. Peter rage begins to show as he continues to read.
Caption: If you try to contest my new role, I’ll leak photos of the night you cheated on your wife.
Peter: (mumbling) You son of a bitch, I’m going to take you down.
Panel 3. Peters anger turns o anguish.
Caption: I’ll have you fired and if that’s not enough…I know about your son. You’re at work and your wife is not stable. I could have your son taken away by child services in just a quick phone-call…
Panel 1. Peter gets ready for another day.
Caption: 2 years later.
Panel 2. Takes shower
Panel 3. Gets dressed.
Panel 4. Walks to work.  It’s snowing lightly outside.
Panel 5. Walks past a group of beggars. A skinny beggar looks at him, but does not beg this time. He knows him too well now.
Panel 6. Makes a coffee
Panel 1. Peter hands Thomas a coffee.
Peter: Here you are sir…
Panel 2. Thomas spits out coffee.
Panel 3. Thomas looks menacingly at Peter.
Thomas: This coffee is *censored*. Do a better job.
Peter: Yes sir.
Panel 4. Thomas gives a sly smirk.
Thomas: I made your wife leave you. Had you demoted. Do you know why?
Peter: To punish my disobedience sir…
Panel 5. Thomas gives a wide toothed smile.
Thomas: I was always a dog serving beneath you, but I was always the Alpha. Alphas are always on top and this old dog was hungry. You know what Peter. Your fired. I don’t need you anymore.
Panel 1. Peter pleads with Thomas for his job.
Peter. Please sir. I have a mortgage and alimony to pay.. I-
Thomas: Why should I let you stay in my house? Pack your things and get out.
Panel 2. Peter is walking back in the light snow with a box full of things.
Panel 3. A crowd of people watch television sets of the first super appears. Peter seems oblivious to all of it.
Tv noises: …police have surrounded…like a god walks among us  … *bang *bang .*screams.
Panel 1. He walks past the homeless and stops at the skinny one.
Panel 2. He gives the skinny one $20.
Peter: You know, I always told myself that anything I give, you’ll just spend it on booze, but you know, I can’t fault you for that. I could see myself doing the same thing in your shoes
Skinny Beggar: Bless you sir.
Panel 3. Peter goes home.
Panel 4. Orders pizza
Panel 5. Switches on the tv
Tv shows police sirens and military trucks.
Panel 1. Pizza boxes and mess now stack up to shoulder height.
Panel 2. Checks fridge to find it empty.
Peter: *sigh. I guess it’s time to go shopping
Panel 3. Outside the streets are quitter. Soldiers patrol the area.
Panel 4. Peter walks past the beggars. They are still in their usual spot. They now all have warm blue blankets.
Skinny beggar: Thanks again for your kindness. Stay safe out there…
Panel 5. Peter arrives at the supermarket.
Panels 6. The shelves fairly empty.
Panel 1. Figuring something is up. Peter takes what he cans and gets a full trolley load.
Panel 2. Peter walks back while pushing the trolley. There is smoke in the distance that police and army trucks are heading towards.
Panel 3. There is some screaming nearby.
Panel 4. Peter finds a bunch of teens surrounding the beggars.
Panel 5. Without thinking, Peter shouted at the teens.
Panel 1. A teen looks toward Peter and smirks, Some blankets have been stained red with blood.
Teen 1: Relax man. Were just trying out gods new gift to us.
Teen 2: Besides, no-ones gonna miss a bunch of low-lifes.
Teen 3. Ooh, theres one left. Let me try my one!
Panel 2. Peter froze up after seeing their powers and the people murdered in front of him so easily. The teens walk past him casually.
Teen 3: Oh man! Did you see. My power made that dudes head just pop like confetti.
Teen 1: haha. Yeah man. We are going to have a lot of fun with these!
Panel 3. There is a muffled whimper coming from behind a large metal trash bin.
Panel 1. He finds the skinny beggar there.
Skinny beggar: I saw them *whimper.. 1000 times…10000 times. Over and over I watched them die. I couldn’t… do anything….
Panel 2. Peter puts a blue blanket on the beggar.
Peter: Let’s go to the police
Beggar: No…They.. they do nothing…I-I’m just gonna go.
Panel 3. Beggar pulls out red bicycle.
Peter: At least come back to my place. I’ll cook us up some food, try and get some bedding. I don’t think it’s good to be on the streets right now.
Beggar: A-alright. Let me just get my bicycle. *sob
Panel 4. The two make their way back. Peter pushing the Trolley. The beggar pushing the bicycle.
Peter: My names Peter by the way.
Sampson: …Sampson
Panel 1. A muscular Sampson is punching a bag\training. Peter is drinking wine while watching news of chaos unfolding in the streets.
Caption: A Few months pass.
Peter: Sampson. Why do you push yourself so hard.
Sampson: I couldn’t save them *hnn… because my body was too weak *grunt. I never want to be that way again.
Panel 2. Sampson dries his head sweat with a towel. Tv shows images of military fighting people with powers.
Sampson: Someone needs to put a stop to this madness. Form a group that can handle it.
Peter: Yeeesss….A super duper *censored*ing group.
Panel 3. Peters eyes light up. There is a tint of yellow.
Peter: A like-minded group that can weed out corruption and remove the cancers of society.
Panel 4. Peter starts tapping on a laptop.
Sampson: What are you doing?
Peter: Posting online. I’m going form a super group. I’ll make sure you’ll never have to encounter a group like those thugs ever again.
Panel 1. Peter is out in the streets with a group behind him. The city is burning around him. Gunshots can be heard in the distance. Some buildings have collapsed.
Caption: 5 years later…
Panel 2. Scene of them fighting a group of thugs
Panel 3. Sirens of the police coming from the distance.
Super-member 1: Quick hide!
Super Member 2. We can take em!
Peter: That’s not what we came here to do. Wait till they pass…
Panel 4. Police car flashes past.
Panel 1. They continue to walk through the streets.
Panel 2. The come to an expensive looking house. There is some commotion outside the place.
Peter: That’s them.
Panel 3. As they close in on the house they spot the same group of thugs that killed the beggars. They are now harassing a young girl outside her place.
Thug 1: Tell your folks to come out and bring whatever they keep in the safe!
Peter: Let her go!
Panel 1. Peters group quickly overwhelm and overpower the thugs
Panel 2. The group bind the thugs and the girl picks herself up off the ground.
Girl: Th-thanks so much.
Peter: No problem maam. Would it be ok to meet the rest of your family for a quick word?
Girl: Yeah.. sure.
Panel 4. The rest of the family come outside.
Peter: *whispers. Lock their doors.
Panel 5. A super uses their power to lock the familys door.
Mother: What’s going on?
Panel 1. Peter kills the thugs in front of them.
Panel 2. The family cower.
Old man: What do you want?
Panel 3: Peter grins. His eye colour has turned completely yellow
Peter: Hello Thomas…
Panel 1. A bloodied knife spins and dances around Peters finger tips.
Panel 2. Peter smiles wickedly. The group of people can be seen cowering In the foreground.
Thomas: Please, let us be. We’ll give you whatever you want!
Peter: Sorry, but this old dog is hungry…
Panel 3. Peter twists his hand to send the spinning dagger flying.
Panel 4. Panel 1. Peter and his gang watch as the dagger spins back with a severed heart. The cowering people in the background are horrified. Thomas lies in shock on the floor oozing blood.
Peter: To let you live is like living with rats. You serve no benefit to this world. You just eat, *censored* and spread your filth. WHY would I WANT you to live IN MY HOUSE!??
Panel 1. Peter looks at the remaining people cowering together.
Peter: Kill these vermin.
Panel 2. Peters begins to look behind him.
Peter: Guys?
Panel 3. Peter turns around. Zoom out to show all his henchmen are dead. Crowd of shadowy figures have gathered around him.  He recognises Sampson amongst them.
Peter: You….Yo-Your’e just like me. Why protect these rats!?
Panel 1. A blade scewers Peter.
SFX: Schloooook
Panel 2. Peter collapses to the floor.
Panel 3. The teen girl with tears in her eyes starts kicking Peter while he’s down.
Girl: You son of a bitch… bastard…. Jack-
Panel 4. Sampson hugs the girl. Girl blushes. Her eye colour changes to a frosty blue
Girl: *mumbles, piece of crap….
Panel 1. Peter lies in the snow unsure of how much time has passed or how much time he has left. The yellows of his eyes begin to dim. The snow stains red around his torso. There is a faint sound of air collapsing nearby in a small space.
Panel 2. A 8 year old Trenton Bale runs up to Peter.
Trenton: Poppa! Oh my god! Poppa! What happened? Wake up!?

This is a filler story I'm thinking of integrating into the comic book. Its about a guy that lived around 2000 years ago that has the same power as the protagonist.

Death God

Long ago, "Gods" bickered and wars raged throughout the land. On a valley away from all the cities and towns lived a peaceful farmer working the lands alongside with his wife and young daughter.

For a while, life was good for the farmer. It was hard work, but he was able to provide for his family and after becoming accustomed to this regular daily lifestyle, they had started to feel like everything was in its right place.

Unfortunately greed exists in all men and the fertile land that he had settled had caught the eye of a nearby country. Fighting within the land began. Already, the farmer could see fire and smoke in the distance. He prayed it would not reach them.

By the time the snow began to fall, the enemy had found their way to his doorstep. They emptied their granary, stole their clothes, warm rugs, and blankets.

 He begged their General to leave them something.

'P-please sir. Spare some food for us... J-just enough to last the winter is all I ask...'

'There's enough specs on the floor for one of you to survive...' said the General.

‘One of us….?’

The farmer turned toward his family and watched in sickening shock as the soldiers ran them through with spears. Their bodies slumped to the floor like sacks of potatoes. It took a moment to sink in what had just transpired. Their dead eyes seemed to stare straight into him…

'We may have to pass through here again. Do make sure your Granary is filled up by then.' said the General.


'I am Ares, the God of War. Do you really think you do what hundreds of thousands could not. Be thankful I am sparing your life peasant.'

The soldiers let out a chuckle and then they left. The farmer remembered each and every face amongst the thousands of soldiers and swore bloody vengeance upon all of them, deep down knowing how futile it may be. Vengeance however, would have to wait. First he would need to outlast the winter.

The remaining food would not even last a day, let alone the winter. He laughed at his cruel fate and empty words he could no longer keep. He apologised to his family and prayed he would see them in the next life.
A week passed and the effects of starvation were starting to show. His vision had started to fade and he looked toward his frozen family hungrily. He had contemplated it many times but had sworn off the idea many times over. 'My wife would want me to live.' he thought to himself before finally giving into his affliction.

Eating his family however, was not enough to pass 3 months  of winter and he felt his life force slip away. He knew he would go to hell for what he had just done and cursed the gods forcing him into such a state.

In his final moments, time began to slow. It then came to a complete stop. He found himself standing in the room looking down at his body, when suddenly a million faces appeared around him. He felt this strange uncontrollable desire to choose one. He chose one of the soldiers faces from his memory. A moment later, the corpse he was looking at had become that soldier.

He ate hungrily and gleefully at the second chance the devil had given him, devouring the soldiers body wholly. Though his body had never quite recovered when winter had ended, he set out anyway, carrying his farming scythe more as a walking stick than for any other useful purpose.

He visited burnt out towns, spoke to survivors and followed Ares trail of destruction. He finally caught up to him on an open battlefield under a thick fog. The farmer then casually wandered onto the field checking each wounded soldier lying on the floor. If they were one of the many faces he remembered, he would quickly dispatch of them with his Scythe. It did not matter to the farmer whether the enemy soldier had a small cut ,or were already dying, or how much they begged for mercy. His vengeance demanded blood...

After Ares army had driven their enemy away, they looked around to find an unusual looking hill behind the fog. They soon realised that it was no ordinary hill. As they drew closer. they found the farmer smiling at Ares while sitting on a massive pile of his men's corpses.

'You are a very stupid peasant to of travelled so far to die.' said Ares before giving the signal to attack.

100 of his men attacked the farmer. Petrified screams could be heard through the fog and then there was silence. Ares chuckled to himself only to see faintly through the mist,  the farmer sitting in the same position on a larger pile of corpses. He sent another squad in, only to suffer the same fate. More soldiers volunteered to take down the farmer. Ares turned them down.

'Archers on the ready!' yelled Ares
He looked around to see thousands of his men lined up and ready to shoot. 'Let's see what you do now you son of a bitch' Ares thought to himself.

Ares gave the signal and a hail of arrows rained and splintered into the shadowy figure in the fog. The fog cleared enough for Ares to see the farmer now sitting on a mountain of corpses. He looked around him to find most of his archery battalion missing. He turned towards the farmer and could now see his battalion of archers as bodies forming a bloody mountainous throne for the farmer before him.

'What is your power farmer!' said a frustrated Ares.

'Hmph, If you are indeed a god then you have nothing to fear.’

Ares charged toward the Farmer like a madman. His axe seemed to dance around him like a savage tornado. Just as Ares was about to strike he vanished and the farmer felt the cold steel of a dagger strike through his back and into his heart. His murderer smelled of rotten pig skin. He could hear the gleeful chuckle of his assailant moments before being sent to the place of a million faces. He picked Ares face that he had memorised so well and used it to replace his corpse. Moments later found himself looking down upon his enemy.

'So you killed my second in command and now I know your power' said a familiar voice from behind him.
He looked around to see Ares standing before him. Ares then changed his face to another and another.

'The God of war has many faces' says Ares. 'And it looks like your power needs a face to kill someone...'

'...And your power. It's to create illusions isn't...?' said the farmer

'What!? How did you... No-one has discovered my secret and lived!'

In a fit of rage, Ares leapt towards to farmer and cut out his eyes. The farmer frantically flailed about with his hands. One hand grabbed at the Ares dagger arm, the other pushed away at Ares face.  Ares then he stood back and watched as the farmer cried out in pain and anger.

'I wish I could kill you right now.... If you come after me again Grim Reaper, I will make you wish you were dead!' said Ares.

He then left the farmer alone to stew in his torment. Most people from that time would have given up, but the farmer had come too far to stop now. He bandaged his wound and examined the footprint of his murderer. 'A heavy right footprint. Too much weight on the heel. Smells of pigskin. Hmm, he has fake wooden leg that he covers in pig skin to look more human...'

He grabbed his scythe and slowly followed the footprints to a nearby town. The town was plagued with a perverted god that demanded virgins be regularly sacrificed at his temple. Although this would set him back, he decided he would pay this "God" a visit. The "God" tried to kill the farmer many times but the farmer knew this "God" had nothing that could kill him

With the “God” Backed into a corner, the farmer brought his now bony hand up to the "Gods" face and brushed over it with his fingertips. 'I see you' whispered the farmer, before taking the "Gods" life.

The town was liberated but also afraid of their new visitor. People locked their doors when he walked passed. This would make it hard to follow Ares but nonetheless he persisted.

Years went on and the farmer had become nothing by skin and bone, but he refused to die. Each town he visited treated him the same and every "God" he came across was merciless and cruel and subsequently dealt with in the same manner he had become so familiar with…

Eventually he tracked Ares himself down to a small remote cave in the woods. He could smell the rotten pigskin flesh and then he heard that familiar voice.

'So you finally found me.. This power is a curse. To have Death knocking at my door, always a hair lengths away… So how did you find me?' said Ares

'It's the strangest thing, when your on the brink of death. Every single detail of every moment becomes locked to your memory, your senses feel heightened. I remember the cold still air, the smell of broken flesh. I even remember being able to feel the tiny hairs on a single blade of grass. '
I followed your heavy right foot-print whenever I came across it. I eavesdropped whenever I heard townsfolk talk about a stranger that matched your characteristics, and finally there's that very distinct rotten smell you have that lead me here.'

'Thank you for so easily telling me your secrets. Now I will cut away your remaining senses and as a man of my word will MAKE YOU WISH YOU WERE DEAD!'

He heard Ares pull out a knife and then the knife glide through the air toward his shoulder. A small subtle movement and the knife whizzed past him.

'...It's funny. I thought taking your eyes would be taking the one power you could use against me, but what I did was take the one power I had against you.'

Ares equipped a knife in each hand and started running at the farmer.

'…Nonetheless, The Grim Reaper can't kill a god you son of a bitch!'
The farmer dives into the path of the charging Ares forcing one of the knives to plunge into his own heart.

Startled, Ares jumps back taking care not to be touched by the farmer in front of him.

'There are no gods in this world. There is however Death and it will always find you...'

'Y-you don't know my face. Y-you can't kill me'

'Oh, but I do know you...When you took my eyes, I put my hand on you. It wasn’t a desperate claw to push you away…I was making sure I could memorize every inch of your face. I could of killed you at any time, but I wanted to be there when I ended it! ...Goodbye Ares.

Moments later, the farmer looked down at the body of his enemy and ran his fingertips over the corpse.

'You have finally been avenged my sweet wife, my beautiful daughter.'

For the first time in a long time he cried a long cry.

He had rid the world of humans that acted like demons but he had become a like a demon himself. When the time came to draw his last breath, he chose his own face and died happily on his own terms.

Some called him the Grim Reaper. Others say that he was an angel that blessed the world with death where needed.

FanFics / A Flaw in the Force
« on: May 24, 2018, 07:44:53 PM »
Hi guys,
Hope its ok to post this here. This is a bit of star wars fanfic I wrote after watching episode 2. Hope you guys like it.

A Flaw in the Force
Chapter 1 – Best Kept Secret
It something they never taught you in jedi school. Something you never even learnt in secret, because the truth was that not even the teachers knew and the few they did, they did not want anyone else to find out.

The truth about the force... That if you live long enough, no matter  how devout, how honest and good inside you are, everybody goes dark…

The Jedi order are taught to contain their emotion. For all of his jedi life, Mace Windu had lived by that rule. It wasn’t until the events on Naboo that would change everything for him.

Mace grew up knowing only a few people on his home planet Haruun Kal. He was 4 years old when he met her. Probably the only other kid within 100 miles that was around his age. Her name was  Fiolla. She was a tomboy with tangled messy red hair, a toothy smile and freckles that joined a bit together at the nose. Turns out they both liked the same sorts of things. They would act out fighting in great wars and duelling as pretend Jedis. By the age of 6, the two were inseparable and wild. They would climb the highest trees and explore the deepest of jungles. The two now best friends thought they would be able to spend their whole life playing with each other, but then it happened…

Mace paced around Fiolla carefully watching her movements, constantly changing his grip on the wooden stick in his hand so as not to be caught off guard. His arm still stung in pain from the last successful blow she had landed on him.

‘You’re not going to move first this time?’ said Fiolla with a light chuckle.

‘Hmph… You were just lucky that on that last one.’ Retorted Mace.

‘Oh really?....Let’s see how you do against this!’

Fiolla changed the grip on her stick, turned her feet and pushed off from the dirt forcing her stick forward for an almighty lunge.

It was enough to catch Mace off guard.

‘Force push!’ yelled Mace as he held out his hand at her.

Fiolla went flying back, rolling several times as she hit to floor.

‘Wow…nice acting Fiolla. You almost had me convinced…’

‘I wasn’t…’ said Fiolla who then fell quickly silent as she slowly brought up her hand. The stick she was using had impaled all the way through her right hand. The bottom of the stick had begun to turn a pale red. Fiolla let out pained scream. Uncontrollable tears rolled down her face and she bolted away back toward her home.

‘FIOLLA!, FIOLLAA!!’ yelled Mace, but she just kept running. ‘I’m sorry…’ said Mace softly.

A week later, the ship arrived to take Mace off to Jedi Academy. His parents gave their last goodbyes. Mace could see Fiolla in the distance with a bandaged hand being gripped by her parents.
Fiolla wrestled free and ran towards Mace. Her parents chasing shortly behind.

‘I…I’m sorry about your hand…’ said Mace.

‘I’m sorry too... I shouldn’t of told them about your power. Said Fiolla. Her voice quaking. Her eyes barely containing the watery tears.

‘Promise me we’ll meet again’ said Fiolla

‘I promise…’

Fiolla gives Mace a warm hug

‘I heard that a Jedi never makes a promise they are not certain they can keep… ’

Fiollas parents catch up and cautiously pull her away from Mace and begin escorting her away. She turns around and smiles.

‘See you around Mace Windu.’ She said.

Mace waves at her as she walks away until she is nothing but a featureless silhouette.

A man in a ragged brown cloak gives Mace a light push on his back.

‘It’s time to go young Padawan.’

Once aboard the ship, the man in the cloak takes his hood off and introduces himself. He has a black wiry beard that is starting to gray around the edges.

‘It’s good to have you with us. My name is Sirius. Please don’t be nervous. You’re going to a school to unlock your potential. It’s going to let you see the universe in a whole new light.

Mace looks at him strangely.

‘…It’s a good thing. Trust me.’

When they finally arrived at the academy, Mace couldn’t believe his eyes. Kids around his age juggling blocks with their mind, others were bouncing around walls and rooftops with incredible 20 meter high jumps. As they walked inside, he saw a classroom room where students were making sculptures out of water.
In the hallway, another cloaked individual walks up to Sirius and taps him on the shoulder.

‘Sirius, the c-’

‘Council wants to see me. Brilliant… I’ll be right over.’

As Sirius heads past the individual, he lets out a deep sigh, before heading toward a large room full of Jedi. Some holograms sat in place of the empty seats.

Before entering, he knelt down to the boy.

‘Stay here young one. I’ll be back soon.’

He entered the room and was met with a look of disdain by several of the council members.

‘So you’ve brought a new padawan. How old is he…?’

‘Well he’s 6 bu-‘

‘Is this boy not too old for Jedi training? ‘

‘Oh no. This boy has been training since he was 6 months old boy from Jedi Knight Doth Rhaal.’

‘That Jedi flunky. I thought he was dead.’

‘What of his parents?’
‘Dead… Yes, unfortunately they died in the jungle, before he got to know them. I can assure you there won’t be any emotional attachment that would distract him from our jedi teachings. He just needs a teacher.’

‘Powerful in the force I sense. Send him to me, you will. Test him, I must.’

‘As you wish, Master Yoda.’

‘Thankyou Sirius, you are dismissed…’

Sirius grabs Mace from the hallway and takes his to a quiet area of the academy.

‘Mace, can you show me you force power?’

‘I can, but I don’t want to hurt anyone...’

‘It’s ok Mace, I’m a Jedi Master. Show me what you can do…’

‘Alright….’ Says Mace ‘Force push!’ he yells as he holds out his hand towards Sirius.

The power was enough to make Sirius stumble back a few steps despite being ready for it.
‘Wow, that was very good young padawan, but you don’t need to shout it out like you’re some wizard casting a spell. This is the force, not some hocus-pocus magic.’

‘Sorry sir….’

‘Don’t ever apologise to anyone for you gift! Come, let’s go off to meet Yoda. He was my teacher and soon he will likely be yours. You are in good hands now Mace.’

He leads Mace to Yodas quarters and escorts him inside before carrying on his way. Another jedi with a scraggly beard and long blonde hair approaches. Sirius knew him well. His old friend Qui-Gon Jin

‘So, I heard that whole story you just told the council… Were you being ‘Serious?’ said Qui-Gon chuckling under his breath.

‘Oh very good... Making fun of my name again. Very droll. To be honest Qui-gon, it was a bit of a white lie, but the jedi council and their rules are simply absurd. How can we be expected to train babies. You’d think the academy was a day-care centre. Will you keep this secret?

‘I can think of worse things you’ve told me. I will take this secret to my grave Master Dooku…’

Chapter 2 – Chance Encounter
Mace grew becoming a devout disciple and keeper of the Jedi code. After many years, Mace had seen many missions and attained the rank of Jedi Master and had crafted a sabre from a unique amethyst like the one from his dreams. He was now one of the most trusted and respected of the Jedi Council.

At this time Mace was now a man of 42 years old. The council had kept him very busy on missions to keep the balance. More so recently, which had made Mace suspicious that something far more sinister was happening.
A recent mission lead him to Naboo to meet with Queen Amidala. She had many faithful servants. He almost didn’t notice her at first among them, but then there were those freckles, barely visible under all the makeup, but they were there, joining together at the nose. The most unique he had seen in all the galaxy.

She instantly recognised him and smiled politely. Mace nearly tripped as he walked past, but then used the force to make an immediate and discreet recovery. He had never before seen her in this light. So grown up.. She looked beautiful.

He sent her a message on a  piece of paper using the force to kite the message along the floor out of sight of the others. On it was a request to meet in secret on the outskirts of the city on the hill that kissed the stars.
That night he waited patiently on the hill. He tried to meditate to pass the time, but his thoughts were a jumbled mess. He kept asking himself if he gave the right details. What if she didn’t show…What if she does show… What does he say to her…. This is not how a jedi should act...

His scrambled thoughts were quickly silenced by her arrival. She wore white gloves and a pale blue dress that seemed to glimmer in the moonlight at each fold. Her red hair rolled over one brow partially hiding her emerald coloured eyes.

‘You look good Mace.’ She said with a sly smile.

Fiolla stumbled over her dress as she made her way towards him. Mace reacted quickly and grabbed her hand before she fell. He hand felt solid and unnatural. He quickly realised what had happened.

‘Your hand… I’m sorry…’
‘Oh. I didn’t mean for you to... My hand never fully recovered from that day, so my folks had it replaced. Don’t be sorry though! I think it’s kinda kick-ass!

‘If I’d known I’d…’

‘Quit Jedi-ing?’

‘I would!’

‘…If you didn’t have strict Jedi rules I’d kiss you right now. Please know I could never ask that of you.’

Mace leaned in closer and whispered ‘That’s exactly why I would do it.’ He said and smiled.

She gave him a quick kiss on the lips.

‘I’m sorry, I…’

Mace grabbed her and gave her a kiss right back.

The rest of the night they spent chatting and giggling. Talking about their old times. It was the first time in his life he had felt like he truly had something worth living for. Mace had fallen in love.

…It was also the first time he had broken the code. He had always followed the rules that was taught to him. To always keep his emotions in check, but now unchained from those restrictions, Mace had never felt more in tune with the force.

However, there was something deeply unsettling that had come with it. This newly acquired force sensitivity had allowed him to sense a rising in the dark side.  Subsequently Mace began to lose sleep.

He continued to live his life playing the part of the of the strict jedi master, all the while meeting with his beloved in secret. A few months later and Fiolla was now pregnant with twins.  Life was pretty good, however Mace could sense the dark presence growing stronger still. He decided it was no longer safe for his princess, especially now she was expecting…

The next few weeks, Mace spent preparing for the worst. Fiolla didn’t see much of him in this time, but when she did, he looked more and more haggard, until the day came where he asked her to meet her once again on the hill that kissed the stars.

She climbed up the hill that night happy to finally be able to see him again, but when she did see him, Mace did not look so happy.

‘Fiolla, I need you to do something.’

‘Of course. You name it!’

‘I need you to leave.’

‘What! …Are you breaking-‘

‘No no. Of course not.. It’s just... I sense it no longer being safe here. ‘

‘Mace, are you serious? Your starting to scare me…’

‘Listen, Tomorrow morning I need you to go to the starport. They’ll be a man named Londor. He’ll be wearing a sweater the colour of my saber. Take this with you.

Mace hands her a large bag.

‘…Its got some essentials. Some recordings I made for the kids in case…’

‘In case what!? Your coming back to us right!?... Promise me your coming back…’

‘Fiolla, you know I can’t make a promise I’m not sure I can ke-‘

‘Promise me!’

‘I…I promise.’

‘Alright. I…I’ll see you soon Mace Windu.’

Fiolla smiled and did her best to hold back the tears. She gave him a kiss on the cheek, before the two parted ways.

Not long after, Maces suspicions were confirmed. A fellow Jedi named Anakin Skywalker had advised him that the Chancellor was in fact Darth Sidious. Preparing for the worst, Mace gathered some elite Jedi knights to confront and arrest the Chancellor, but Sidious was not to be underestimated. 

The jedi group crashed into Palpatines quarters.

"In the name of the Galactic Senate of the Republic, you're under arrest, Chancellor." Boomed Mace.

The Chancellor gave them a wicked stare and the jedi lit up the lightsabers in response.
“Are you threatenting me, Master Jedi?”

With a quick flick of the wrist the chancellor had already list his saber and struck down one Jedi. His saber giving off a ominous red glow. A faint smell of burnt flesh filled the air as the surviving jedi paced around the Darth lord.

For a moment the remaining jedi succumbed briefly to the dark side. Seeing their comrade and long-time friend slain before their eyes was enough to trigger a rage that had silently been building up inside of them.
They lept at the chancellor with beastly ferocity, but they too were struck down just as quickly as the first, leaving only Mace and Palpatine staring each other down as they circled each other over the burnt corpses.
The chancellor made the first move, using the force to fly through the air like a bullet. It reminded him of Fiollas great lunge at him and also why he needed to fight on. With a quick shuffle of his feet, Mace narrowly dodges the blow. He swings at Palpatine as he passes. Their sabres connect with this squeal like the sound of lava on meeting ice.

In his frustration, Palpatine begins attacking in a frenzy and though he fought like a demon and moved like a god but Maces will was stronger. He needed to survive, because there was someone waiting for him and there was a promise he needed to keep.

As victory was his grasp, it quickly dissipated as one of their most trusted jedi disciples betrayed him. Anakin Skywalker severed his lightsabre arm, giving Mace no way to defend himself.  The Chancellor quickly taking the opportunity to burn him with lightning. Mace felt himself falling from the skyscraper. Each muscle in his body had merged together in a sticky burnt mess. He knew most of his nerve endings had been fried but he still felt an indescribable pain.

He mumbled his final words to the rapidly shrinking clouds above. ‘I’m sorry Fiolla….’

On a distant planet, the pregnant Fiolla felt her heart snap and this overwhelming feeling of loss come over her. She knew only too well what it meant. Her beloved would no longer come back to her and the universe was no longer safe…

Chapter 3 – The Windu Twins
Years later, Fiolla and her twins remain in hiding. They do not visit any towns speak with any other apart from themselves. They live off the land and off the grid. Both children were blessed with an affinity to the force.

A freckled boy with fiery messy red hair much like herself but with an even fiery temperament. She named him “Muave” after his father’s beloved saber. Fiolla worries he may venture down the wrong path.

His twin sister would be his polar opposite. She had mocha coloured skin, tidy long black hair and was extremely studious and devout. Fiolla named her Hope and prayed they could stay safe until they all grew old together.

“Guys, its around that time…Are you ready to do some training with your father?” said Fiolla.

“Yes!” said Hope.

“Yeah… I guess” said Muave noticeably less enthused.

Mace, being someone that was always prepared had recorded numerous holo-tapes in case he should never return. They contained lessons on using the force, a saber and a training droid.

Fiolla hated the thought her children might one day have to use this training to fight for their lives. It was, however nice that she could see him again, even if it was only a recording.

During their practice, Muave took a break and tapped Fiolla on the shouler…


“What is it Dear?”

“What was Dad like? I know we have these holos…. But what was he really like?’

“Well…I guess I’d say that your father was a good man.. Well, he maybe loved his sabre a little too much...no, jokes aside he was a great Jedi, an even greater husband and I think he would have made an even better father. I wish you could of met him. He would of been so proud of you both.”

Muave gave a wide toothless grin before running back to his training.

Many years passed…
Muave is now a fiery teen with a quick temper. Hope does her best to keep him in check. Both have come far with their training, but Hope has surpassed Muave in force attunement, much to his disgruntlement.

For all these years they were able to remain hidden, but today is different. Fiolla lie sick in bed, the medicine they need is in town. She asks Hope to go and to make sure she stay inconspicuous.

“Why can’t I go?! I’ve never been to the city!” says Muave

“I need someone to look after me.”

“Hope can stay and I’ll go!”

“Enough!*Cough, *cough. Fiolla go! Remember what I told you.”

Muave angrily storms out the room. Hope kisses Fiolla on her forehead before setting out.

“I’ll be back soon mum. Take care of yourself.”

After half a days trek, Hope makes it to the city. Never had she seen so many people before. So many creatures and markets. It was a little overwhelming at first, but she quickly became enamoured by it. However, she remembered what her father had taught her. That she needed to keep her emotions in check and she had an important mission she needed to get done.

As she waded through to the city centre she couldn’t help but feel eyes were upon her. She quickened her pace and made her pathing increasingly sporadic. Her suspicions were confirmed as she felt a presence follow her down an empty alleyway.

As the pursuer got close, she pounced forcing the individual to the ground. The impact like a heavy log.

“*pant, *cough. What’s the big idea sis?”

“Muave! What the hell are you doing following me!?”

“heh, Thought you could use the help. Two jedis are better than one after all.”

“*sigh. Fine just stay out of trouble. “

As the two make their way to the medicine shop, Hope notices Muave eating on an apple.

“Hey, where did you get that? Did you use what I think?”

“Relax sis, the force is meant to be used for good. Getting an apple to feed someone hungry, ie… me, is a good deed.”

“Oh Muave… please. Just promise me you wont use your power again.”

“geez sis, its not like I-“

“please, just don’t do it again!”

“Alright, fine…”

Muave kept his word and did not use his powers the rest of the day, but it was too late. Someone noticed and the word about this got out to a most horrifying individual…

Chapter 4 – Hope to despair
As they made their way back home, they reminisced about the town and all the people there. They talked about going back there once mum was better.

When they neared home, they noticed signs that something was wrong. There was an extra set of footprints among theirs. A tracker had traced their steps. When they made it home, they found the window was smashed, the door was broken in. Muave felt his chest tighten and his heart start to beat faster as they cautiously made their way closer.

“Come in, come in…” said an unfamiliar voice.

“I know you’re out there. I can feeeel your presceeence…”

“Come in if you miss your mommy…”

Hope grabbed a stick while Muave grabbed a rock. The two cautiously entered the house, only to find a black skinned Twi’lek with ruby coloured eyes holding a knife to their mother’s throat.

“Tut, tut, no need for the hostilities…Drop your weapons.

Their hearts sank at the image before them. After a short pause, they dropped their weapons.
“What do you want!?” shouted Hope

The Twi’lek held some communication equipment up to his mouth.

“I’ve got them. A goody too shoos the mum named hope, and the other named Muave, a potential candidate.”
Fiolla looked at them wearily. It was obvious from her eyes that he had tortured her for information.

“Run” Gasped Fiolla.

“Ruuuunn!!!” she screamed as she stabbed the Twi’lek in the leg with a fork.

The mum pushed away from his grasp, but the Twi’lek simply held out his hand in the air and she was frozen. A subtle movement of his fingers caused a sickly sounding snap from Fiollas neck. Her lifeless body slumped to the floor.

Without a moments hesitation , Hope pulled her fathers saber from nearby and began savagely striking at the Twi’lek. She gave him barely enough time to pull out his own saber to defend himself. He was a strong and experienced sith combatant but she was a monster.

She attacked in a frenzied state using only one hand to strike at him with her saber. The twi-lek was barely able to fend off her attacks by gripping his saber with two hands, however Hopes free hand enabled her to use the force to pull cutlery into his undefended sides. He had never seen someone so in tune with the force.
Moments later, he lay at her feet in a bloody mess. Knives, forks and all sharp instruments had punctured through his legs, back and arms. He looked like a porcupine of cutlery. Hope had missed all his major arteries, because she had wanted him to suffer.

“Hmfph…*aaah. Your too late… *ah…They’re already coming for you…haha”

The whirring sounds of TIE fighters could be heard whizzing past outside.

“Run from here, Muave. Run and hide! I’m not done here yet!”

Her voice had become a deep croak. The darkness had crept into her. He watched briefly as she began to slowly burn the attackers leg off causing an agonized scream from the Twi’lek.

Muave ran barely able to see forward from the tears that covered his eyes. He looked up to see a great monolith of a star destroyer in orbit above the planet like an unnatural sword shaped moon. He hid in the trees as storm troopers swarmed past him and even though he was now miles from home, he could still hear the Twi’leks tortured screams.

Storm troopers arrived outside the twins home to the be greeted by the smell of burnt twi’lek flesh. They surrounded the home and then a small elite group headed inside.

“Are you next!?” said Hope maliciously

The squad leader found her leaning on a severed leg. A soft whimpering could be heard in the corner of the room. There they found the remains of the twi’lek, just a torso and his head crying weakly. It caused the squad leader the need to immediately run out, take off his helmet and throw up.

The storm troopers that surrounded the house outside began to shuffle aside leaving a gap. From the gap, a mysterious Sith Lord appeared. He was shrouded in black rags that covered his body and face. He walked like someone who could barely stand. If it weren’t for his entourage, one might easily mistake him from a street beggar, but it also this appearance that made him easily recognisable as one of the upper echelons of the sith.
The Sith lord began hobbling toward the house seemingly getting stronger with each step. He enters the home to find five soldiers pointing a gun toward Hope.

“Tell your men to lower their weapons or I’ll cut their arms off.”

“Soldiers, lower your weapons!”

The soldiers looked toward each other before one of them gave a subtle nod. They slowly put them down.
“You may leave.” Said the Sith lord

“Sir I-“

The lord glared at him causing the soldiers to quickly scurry away. They had learnt the hard way not to question a siths orders, yet he had almost made the mistake. They left the house thankful there were no fatal repercussions as a result.

Inside the home, the sith gleefully inspected the premises.

“I love what you’ve done with the place.”

“So you’re the one that thinks they’re going to kill me.”

“On the contrary, I want you to join us.”

Hopes saber lit up like the sound of a hurricane in a wind tunnel. The next second she was attacking the lord with the same ferocity she had previously displayed. She was strong, perhaps even stronger than him, but the lord had a few tricks at his disposal.

He snapped a sink faucet and used the force to disperse the water. After a few narrow dodges from Hopes saber, he crackled lightning from his fingertips leaving her incapacitated and twitching on the floor.

“I think I understand you young jedi. You want to change the cruel fate of the universe, but you need power to do it. Join us and you will attain that power. The power of the dark side…”

“*gasp…I’ll do it… I’ll join you.”

“Oh? I expected you’d need more convincing. Welcome to the Empire Muave”

“It’s Hope. My name is Hope…”

Chapter 5 – A Galaxy far far away…
Hope joining their ranks was a great prize for the Sith. They had expected an ill-tempered rebellious jedi to join, but not Hope which intel had advised, was the polar-opposite of this. It meant that perhaps someone that was seemingly incorruptible could be corrupted and the potential for Sith recruitment could reach new heights of power.  They just needed to find a weak point. It also meant this Sith lord was one step closer to proving his theory.

The Sith Lord stepped on board his personal shuttle with Hope in tow. A storm trooper places a bloody rug-sack on one of the seats ships, taking care to strap it tightly in for the ride. Garbled whimpering can be heard coming from the sack.

“Oh, hush now Zuhuca. You certainly did a number on him.”

Hope stares quietly at the Sith Lord.

“Right, I suppose should introduce myself. My name is Magus. Forgive me if I am a little guarded around you. It is very rare for a jedi to convert so readily.”

Hope remains still, hiding all emotion.

“Your brother will come to the dark side…in time.”

“You better stay away from him.”

“Even if we don’t find him, he’ll turn. We all do eventually.”

“Why do you sith have the need to lie?”

“Oh? Let me tell you a story. I was just a young boy at the jedi academy when I first noticed it…”

“There was a jedi master there. Very short but looked up to by everyone as if he were 10 feet tall. His name was Yoda. You probably know of him. It seems everybody does. I was just a boy at the time when I noticed it. Yoda was a very composed and accomplished teacher, but whenever something didn’t go his way, he would retreat to his quarters briefly before returning. One day, I deliberately broke something of his. He then retreated and I followed him…

In his personal quarters, he began to do the most peculiar thing, He clutched at his head and it looked like he was screaming, but without making a sound. He then took a deep breath and began counting backwards. He then headed back to the classroom like nothing had ever happened, but curious I was, so I did it again and I kept doing it. Yoda began to practice saying the alphabet backwards. Soon he began to speak sentences backwards, then one day when he came to class, that had become the way that he spoke.

And here’s my theory. Everybody goes dark. Yoda knew this and he was already petering on the edge. His simple meditation trick was only going to take him so far. The sith annihilation of the Jedi order would be enough to push him over…

He hated that he had to run and hide. He hated they killed his pupils and was angry that they destroyed the jedi order he had worked so hard to build.

Yoda knew he would go dark and exiled himself on Dagobah, destroying his ship to make sure he would not join the sith and their destructive reign on the galaxy. For 2 decades he remained there, tainted by the darkness, full of rage. For a long time Yoda fought his dark side urges, before confronting it in a cave on Dagobah. He fought his dark side self but realised that it was not something that could be beaten with sheer strength or will. It was only when he accepted it as a part of him that he could find peace.”

“You sure do talk a lot Sith.”

“Hmm, I’m still not sure why you’ve joined us, but you will see our way in time…”

Years pass…
The war between the Rebellion and the Empire have made it to the furthest reaches of the galaxy. The rebel fleet has been all but annihilated. The empire have sent a massive ground assault to destroy the last rebel stronghold.

Hope moves across the battlefield like wind on water. Each ripple like a tidal wave of destruction. With the sword as her shield and the force as her weapon, her enemies fall to the floor like leaves in autumn. She roams around the battlefield with a single purpose, and then she senses it. However, it is not on the battlefield as expected. She follows her sense to the outskirts of the fight and finds a dimly lit cave. There she finds him…

His face is still scarred from the last confrontation she had with him. Over a thousand woman and children huddle together behind him.

“Hello my…dear…brother”

“Hello Hope…”

“My name is Darth Relius now. I thought I told you that last time, or did my lightning fry a few too many brain cells.”

“Please, sister…do what you will with me, but these people. They’re the family of the soldiers I’ve been tasked to protect. They have nothing to do with any of this…”

“I wish I could, but Rebels breed rebellions. They too must be destroyed.

“…why are you doing this?”

“Hmm… At first it was to avenge our parents, but after thinking more about it, I realised the Empire will keep going until someone changes it from the inside, but then after a while I finally realised what they are trying to do.”


“The ships we build, the new technology we create. It serves one purpose. To fuel a never-ending war. Even trade and cargo ships have shields and weapons for taking on laser fire. Before the empire, there was constant in-fighting amongst various groups in the galaxy. What if there was only one group?”

“You don’t see it do you?”

“What’s that?”

“You’ve allowed yourself to become a pawn of the dark-side. You were too far gone to notice.”

“I admit the Empire does some horrible things, things I wish never to have to repeat, but a Universe united, even under a horrible, rule is better than one divided.”

“Heh.. I always use to think you were the smart one of use…”

Their sabres lit up almost synchronously and they began to pace around each other carefully looking for any subtle movements. A twitch of one of their fingers sends them both into a dance of deadly acrobatics and sabre flurries.

Muave sensed an attack from coming from elsewhere in the cave and with lightning reflexes, brought his sabre in to deflect the hit.

The next moment, he felt his body falling to the floor. None of limbs responded. He was completely paralysed. Was this another force user or did his sister land a blow Muave thought to himself. He did not think he was injured. He could not feel any pain. A moment later and his sister suffered the same fate, falling down on the floor next to him with a thud.

“What did you do to me!?” Hope Sneered.

“You mean it wasn’t you? Than who th-“

‘It’s strange. I didn’t even sense anything. Is this a master that can hide their presence?’ Hope thought to herself.

“I’ve been watching you for a while now, and its impressive what you boys can do with this force, but there is something that you are missing…” says the individual

“Who are you!!??...” screamed Hope

‘Do you wonder why you think the force gives you power when you embrace the darkness in you? All the hate. All the rage….?’

“…Because it does give me power!" says Hope defiantly.

“Yes! I think your probably right!”

“What!? Just finish me you Sith son of a b*tch” screams Muave.

“I’m not Sith and I’m not a Jedi. I’m just a guy that wants to give you some advice. …See I think you’ve both got it wrong. A Jedi is told not to embrace their anger, Sith embrace only what gives them more power.”

“…Your point!??”

“There are clues in the force. Your emotions may give you power and there is a whole spectrum of human emotion. Don’t deny these emotions. Embrace them all. Become who you were meant to be! It will make you one with the force and the force will be one with you.

Hope, I know deep down your trying to do the right thing. We saw you try to rescue those people on Endor, and that you’re afraid. You’re afraid of the Empire and what they will do if the war drags on.”

“Who do you think you are! You think you know me!?”

Hope tries to hide her tears but because she is unable to move her limbs yet, she tries desperately to dig her face into the ground.

‘So, you’ve been watching us, then you of all should know… The alliance is in ruins! There are barely a handful of ships left that can fight and their forces number in the tens of thousands. What good will a few more ships do?’ says Muave

‘They’re not your ordinary run of the mill ships…’ says the stranger.

‘Who are you!?’ says Hope

‘Where did you come from!?’ says Muave

‘My name is James T. Kirk. I come from a galaxy far, far away…’

To be continued…

I know its quite long and I'm not the best writer. Hope you still all like it. Let me know what you think.  ;D

Develop Your Story / Re: Deifics
« on: May 18, 2018, 05:55:47 AM »
 I am passionate about it and do want to give my best shot. I'm a bit worried about my writing skills and character development are not so great. I did rework the 1st book a bit a few days ago.
Will should be a bitter teen. He's angry at this new world because he suspects the supers with the big egos were somehow responsible for his parents disappearance. But, I also don't want to make him stupid. He knows there are some out there that could kill him with a *snap of their fingers.
The scene where he punches the bully. I added that he leaves a paper trail for teachers to come and rescue him.

I'm not sure if you'd be willing to or not, but I'm keen for any suggestions on fixing Will. I can give you a google docs link or just continue discussing it here. Checked out your tumblr page btw. I like your 2  posts on April 2nd. Keep it up!  :D

Develop Your Story / Re: Deifics
« on: May 17, 2018, 09:52:07 PM »
Hi KeanFox. Really appreciate you taking the time to grind through it. I do agree with you. I have way too many "Close up of" and "Focus on". I was thinking that this could be up to the artist to illustrate “intense glare”
 or “worry” depending on how they think it should go, but really I’ve just been too lazy. >< I’ll fix it up soon.

Thanks for your input TEA. :D
I had the idea before MHK, but never got around to putting it all on paper.
I’ll summarise where I’m planning to head with it. I don’t want you all grinding through script that’s not enjoyable.  I've been a bit umming and arrrring about when to reveal his power, because it does have impact to the story. I've put my summary of the next few books below. I will have flashbacks to the chaos in book 4 but I wont inlcude int the summary. Let me know what you think. If its interesting enough and worthwhile pursuing, I'll look into hiring an artist, otherwise I have some ideas for other stories I can start on.
Mind if I ask what off comments might need changing for Will?

Book 1 Summary
Almost everyone in the world has developed a super power except Will.
Will has a dream. He is 10 years old. Standing in the rain near a lake. There is a small dead body next to him.
He saves a friend from being bullied from school and later finds out that the bullies and his friends are the highest level supers and have been accepted into go to the best school in the world.
Will is targeted by an assassin group and forms an unlikely team to go after them.

Book 2 Summary.
Book 2 Summary.
The group bus into the assassing HQ. Confront the boss and discover that they are a special government force in charge with taking out potential threat.
They also discover that the “best school in the wolrd” is actually a prison for supers deemed too powerful to control. They set off to rescue their friend.

Book 3 Summary.
Upon closing in on the prison, their powers weaken the close they get. They discover someone who is nullifying the powers. Upon meeting him, he discovers that someone used a power on Will to block memories.
He unblocks the memory before Sampson is able to intervene and knock him out.
Will remembers walking with his mother in the rain. His mum has the power to change reality in a short space around her. So inside this bubble is sunshine and rainbows and outside there is chaos in the streets. Some dangerous people get too close to the mum and she leaves wills side for a second. Will falls into a nearby lake and struggles to swim.
The mum realises too late and pulls back Will onto the shore. Time slows for Will and then begins reversing until a few minutes before. He sees his body and his mum. Everything turns white. He is in a room with billions of faces. He’s scared and calls out for his mom…
He sees her face among the many and touches it. The face screams and now Will is back in the real world. Its raining. He is near the lake. He stands naked next to a body. The body is his size but his mums face has stretched/squashed to fit into it. Will starts screaming.
He wakes from his memory. His mind has been shattered.
As a result of the nullifying Super being knocked out, all Supers break free.

Book 4 Summary.
As a result of what they did, the world is now in chaos again. Sampson finds out that the frost teacher that he likes has been captured by the “new order”. They try to rescue her and the others with her. They bring Will despite him being now just a shell of a human.
Sampson sees 1000 outcomes of him losing right before he dies. He turns to Will and says “Vivamus Hodi. Cras carpe” . Will watches as everyone is killed in front of him, then he notices he too has taken a fatal blow.
He finds himself back in that place. He does not want too choose anyone. He discovers his Dads face in that place and wonders why his dad never visited him. Years pass. In this place, he does not need to eat, drink, breathe or rest. Perhaps another 50-100 years pass, Will has an epiphany. He chooses a face and comes back a moment before everyone dies.
He has everyone abandon the rescue mission. They form up with the survivors hiding underground and together are able to overthrow them. However, Will, for some reason, does not want them dead.

Book 5 Summary.
2000 years ago. A disfigured child is born. She has a hard time fitting in with everyone, including her dad, treating her like a disgusting monster. Her mum does the best that she can to protect her, but the world is cruel and the mum is not always around.
One day, she meets the first boy that is kind to her. They talk to each other from behind a door. The girl making sure never to show her face. The two become friends and eventually the boy convinces her to meet. Surprisingly he is fine with her appearance. He draws her a small picture of them and tells her that its more than just how we look, it’s a memory frozen in time and in this memory, I’m happy. I hope you are too. He gives her the picture and a tiny locket to fit in.
One day the girl hears whispers in her head telling her to go up the mountain. The boy comes with her and they discover some of the missing townspeople. A creature with a goats head, humanoid torso, bulls legs and a lizards tail has been experimenting on them.
The creature captures them and does horrify experiments. The experiments bring the boy on the brink of death but with the girl it unlocks her power. She is now cured of elephantiasis and can be recognised as Elsie. The boys last words to her are that she is beautiful, but that she was always was.
Elsie breaks free and is able to stop the creature, she thinks…
A volcano erupts engulfing the island in lava. Elsie eventually breaks free of her molten ash prison. Still hearing the whispers, she looks for a way to stop the creature. Years pass. Elsie is getting better at her power. She is able to morph her body at will. While working undercover in the assassins building, she discover a potential super that can stop the creature. She burns the building to the ground before departing.
First day of school.
Elsie clutches her locket while approaching the school…

Develop Your Story / Re: Free Story Plots
« on: May 15, 2018, 10:59:25 AM »
I had an idea for a story about a guy who's good at everything but extremely gullible.

For example... His friends take him speed dating, but tell him its a staring competition where blinking is allowed but tallied at the end. If a contestant forfeits a game and wants to vouch for you, they hand over a special 10 digit number that can be used at the end of the game.

I'm not so good at comedy. Hope someone can have some fun with it.  ;D

Develop Your Story / Re: Deifics
« on: May 14, 2018, 11:27:39 PM »
Hey guys. Finished book 2. *Apologies. I know its not so nice to read in script format. Let me know if its too corny, you see plot holes or anything that could be better. Thanks all .  ;D

Deifics Book#2
6 years ago…
Panel 1.  It’s raining. There are police sirens, a dead body and 3 people in trench-coats are standing around the body of a young 10 year old girl.
Panel 2. Close-up of blue-skinned man in a trench-coat.
Blue-skinned man: Why bring me here? There’s nothing you can show me that will change my mind.
Panel 3. Close-up of the woman in a trench-coat.
Trench-coat woman: The dead girl…Use your power… tell us what you see.
Panel 4. A blue-skinned man in a trench-coat holds one hand over the face of the dead body.
Panel 5. Close up of blue-skinned mans face, his eyes begin to glow….
Blue-skinned man: The cause of death is by an ability it-
Panel 1. Blue skinned mans face changes to that of anguish.
Blue-skinned man:  horrifying… so strong… This-th..
Panel 2. Close-up of the woman:
Trench-coat woman: You understand now why we need you? This is bigger than all of us…
Panel3. Close-up of of the 3rd person in a trench-coat. It’s spectre smoking a cigar.
Spectre. We got our work cut out for us…

PAGE THREE (5 Panels)
Panel 1: Its morning and the unlikely team prepare for war. Sampson is packing a backpack full of equipment
February 1st, 2040 at 6:42 am(Present day). 8 hours before we would become international criminals...
Ethan: I still can't believe you guys are going ahead with this. Oh hey, let's head straight to an assassins nest. An organisation specialised in killing people like us!
Will: Gun-Girl was raised and trained there. She's probably got a plan.
Gun-Girl: Of Course!
Panel 2. Close-up on Gun-girl and Ethan.
Ethan: She doesn't...
Gun-Girl: Stay out of my head ETHAN!
Panel 3. Close-up on Ethan.
Ethan: I didn't need to read your mind to figure out that one... Why are we even following a 12 year olds idea anyway?
Panel 4. Close-up on Will
Will: Look Ethan. If you have a better plan, I'm all ears...  Currently, the way I see it, her idea is better than us sitting around and waiting for them to try and knife us again.
Panel 5. Close-up on Ethan
Ethan: (mumbles) Tch. Bunch of nutbags. I wonder if this assassin group are more reasonable...
PAGE TWO (6 Panels)
Panel 1. Birds eye of group walking through the city.
Panel 2. Sampson walks into a wall.
Panel 3. Close-up of Elsie giving a hand to Sampson to help him up.
Elsie: Are you okay?
Sampson: Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks.

Panel 4. Close-up of Will.
Will: Hey Teach, I've always wondered how you can be so good at fighting, yet so clumsy. What exactly is your power?
Panel 5. Close-up of Sampson with a smirk.
Sampson: Glad you asked kiddo. It is a pretty cool power. My power is to see...
Panel 6. Close-up of Sampson grinning.
Sampson: ...into the FUTURE!
PAGE THREE (Panels 6)
Panel 1: Focus on the group.
Ethan: Oh cool, So you can tell whether this mission will succeed?
Will: Ooh, can you tell me how I die?
Elsie: What’s it like in the future?'
Gun-Girl: Am I super hot as a grown up?
Sampson: Er... I can't see that far...
Panel 2. Close-up of Ethan
Ethan: hmm can you tell us who wins the soccer game this lunchtime?
Panel 3: Close-up of Sampson looking a little depressed.
Sampson: I can't see that far ahead either...
Panel 4: Close-up of Sampson smiling again.
Sampson:...but I CAN see not 1.
Panel 5: Close-up of Sampson holding 2 fingers up.
Sampson: ...but TWO...
Panel 6: Close-up of Sampson grinning. Sparkles in teeth.
Sampson: (*mutters/) Seconds... into the FUTURE!
PAGE FOUR (6 Panels)
Panel 1. Focus on Will and Sampson.
Will: 2 seconds into the future. That is actually a pretty cool power...
Sampson: Right!? Right!?
Panel 2. Focus on Will
Will: Doesn't that mean you saw yourself riding into the wall, and yet you did it anyway....
Panel 3. Focus on Sampson scratching the back of his head with an ackward smile.
Sampson: haha.. Good pickup... I guess I'll have to so some more explaining...
Panel 4: Focus on Sampson.
Sampson: You see... My power lets me see hundreds of thousands of possibilities 2 seconds ahead of me.
Panel 5: Close-up of Ethan.
Ethan: That explains why your minds so jumbled whenever I tried to read you.
Panel 6: Close-up of Sampson scratching his head nervously.
Sampson : ...but that's not the reason I rode into the wall...
PAGE FIVE (One Panel)
Panel 1. Side of Sampsons face. (drawing of Teacher about ride into a wall. 10 possible outcomes (10 of him around him looking at different things while he rides his bike.) One of his outcomes is him perving on a girl with a red dress.) -Heart eyes outcome of him looking on girl with red dress, dotted line back to him riding a bicycle with heart eyes about to crash into a wall.
Sampson: er... Sometimes I can get too focused on one possible outcome.
PAGE SIX (Five Panels)
Panel 1. Close up of Gun-Girl
Gun-Girl: 2 seconds!? That's your power!? God that's pretty average. Well, we still have Will...
Panel 2. Close up of Gun-Girl and Will.
Will: Actually, I don't have a power...
Gun-Girl: Hah, good one Will. Seriously, what is it?
Panel 3. Close-up of Will casually replying. Ethan and Gun-Girl are also in the shot.
Will: No, seriously, I don't have one.
Ethan: He's telling the truth.
Gun-Girl: What!? Why would they have a hit out on you then!?
Panel 4. Close-up of Will.
Will: Dunno, you tell me.
Panel 5. Close-up of Gun-girl starting to panic a little.
Gun-Girl: Oh gawd, we are so dead, we are sooo dead.
PAGE SEVEN (Six Panels)
Panel 1. Ethan and Gun-Girl are talking.
Ethan: It's not too late to head back.
Gun-Girl: It's probably not a bad idea. It's just... They'll find us.. They always do....
Panel 2. Sampson puts a hand on Gun-Girls shoulder to comfort her.
Sampson: Trust me kiddo. Our team is a lot stronger than you think...
Panel 3: Gun-Girl takes on a deep breath and puts on brave face.
Panel 4: Gun-Girl looks up to Sampson.
Gun-Girl: Hey is it ok if we head into Walmart along the way?
Panel 5: Sampson looks down at Gun-girl smiling.
Sampson: Good idea, no good fighting on an empty stomach.
Panel 6: Gun-Girl morphs some metal into a gun and tries firing in the air
SFX: Click... click... click.
Gun-Girl: Actually I need gunpowder
PAGE EIGHT (Four Panels)
Panel 1: They are all happily eating their lunches. Elsie has 3 plates to herself and her mouth is full.
Ethan: Thanks for shouting us all lunch Teach. I'd help pay but, y'know I'm just a student.
Sampson: Don't mention it!
Elsie: Yesh *burp Schancks brerry much. *gulp
Sampson: How do you even eat that much?
Panel 2: Gun-girl is busy making bullets from a gunpowder satchel. Sampson is looking sadly at his now empty wallet. A fly/moth flys out of his wallet.
Gun-girl: ... and for the gunpowder!
Sampson: Yes, no-one else needs to thank-me... It reminds me how broke I am. *cry.
Panel 3: They all get out of the chairs. Elsie stomach is heavily swollen.
Ethan: You're looking a little round down there Elsie..
Will: Hehe, It looks like you're about to give birth to your food baby.
Elsie: Oh, so it does. Hang on one tick.
Panel 4: Elsie turns her back to the men and huddles tightly to squeeze her stomach. Will has heart eyes and whispers to Ethan. Ethan sees something horrifying coming.
Will: Ooh, shes doing that thing again!
Ethan: Oh no....
PAGE NINE (Five Panels)
Panel 1: Focus on Elsies booty *farts
Panel 2: Elsies back to normal. Will is passed out. Ethan is holding his eyes.
Elsie: Oop. Excuse me.
Ethan: Argh. I can feel my eyes burning.
Panel 3:  The group are seen going into a clothing store. Sampson is dragging Will by the collar.
Panel 4: Close-up of Sampson's fist knocking on a door inside the shop.
SFX: Knock...Knock, Knock...Knock
Panel 5: An old man opens the door.
Old man: Sampson?
Sampson: Hello old friend. I need a favour...
Old man: After what you did for me and my folks a decade ago… just name it.
PAGE TEN (Two Panels)
Panel 1:  The group are seen leaving the clothing store and back out to the mall
Panel 2: An agent is reporting their whereabouts.
Agent:  Eagle x here. They are still wandering around the mall.
Radio: Roger that. Keep tailing. When they are by themselves we take them.
PAGE ELEVEN (Four Panels)
Panel 1: Close-up of the group. It is not Sampson, Ellie, Will, Ethan but the old man using a clone power, wearing their clothes.
Panel 2: Ethan, Sampson, Ellie and Will are seen exiting from a sewer manhole in a back alley and wearing different clothes.
Panel 3: Closeup of Sampson
Sampson: We've probably got less than an hour before they notice.
Panel 4: Closeup of Gun-Girl
Gun-Girl: Alright, I know where we are. Follow me, I'll take us the safest way over there.
Panel 1. The squad hug a wall. Gun-girls hand is up telling them to stop.
Panel 2. Focus on camera.
Panel 3. Camera looks another way
Panel 4. The group can be seen darting round the corner with whilst the camera looks away.
Panel 1. The group are hiding behind a wall. In the background there is an entrance to a large building.  There are 2 guards standing at the entrance..
Panel 2. Focus on Gun Girl.
Gun-Girl: This is the place. “Shroud”
Panel 3. Focus on Ethan.
Ethan: I don’t think they know about us. Let me use my skill on them. I think I’d be the least suspected of us.
Panel 4. Sampson gives the ok by nodding.
Panel 1. Ethan walks toward the guards whilst the others watch on.
Panel 2. Focus on Will
Will: Do you trust him?
Panel 3. Focus on Sampson.
Sampson no… not entirely…
Panel 4. Focus on Sampson.
Sampson. But trust should be earnt. I’m willing to give him this chance.
Panel 1. Ethan starts talking to one of the guards.
Ethan: Excuse me, I think I’m a little lost. What is this building?
Pane l2: Focus on guard and Ethan.
Guard: Sir this place is off limits. I’m going to have to ask you kindly to leave.
Ethan: Ooh, is this a high security place? How would you break in? Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it.
Panel 3: Focus on guard. His hands begin to glow.
Guard: Leave now! This is your final warning…
Panel 4. Ethan walking away. Heads down. Hands in his pocket.
Ethan: Alright, geez. No need to get dramatic.
Panel 1. Ethan is back with the group.
Sampson: So what did you find out?
Panel 2. Focus on Ethan.
Ethan: The guards think it’s financial building they need to protect.
Panel 3. Focus on Ethan.
Ethan: I found out that there’s a loose panel round the side on the second floor. We can get in during a guard rotation in 10 minutes.
Panel 4. Ethan shows concern.
Ethan: Also, guys… Can we be careful. While I was asking questions, the guard started getting worried. He has a family and is due for retiring in a few days… I kinda feel for the guy.
Panel 1: Focus on Gun-Girl.
Gun Girl: Don’t worry, I’m a trained assassin. A master of stealth, and if we should go loud…
Panel 2: Focus on Gun Girl giving a cheesy smile and a thumbs up.
…I can sever all nerve endings and spinal column of any opposition, effectively disabling any threat to us without any killing!
Panel 3: Focus on Ethan.
Ethan: You’re a psychopath. We’re not doing this…
Panel 4: Focus on Sampson.
Sampson: It’s almost time. Let’s do this.
Panel 5. The group can be seen running off to around the side of the building. Sampson is carrying a disgruntled Ethan.
Panel 1. Focus on a panel on the second floor of the building.
Panel 2. Sampson throwing Gun Girl up.
Panel 3. Sampson throwing a bag up.
Panel 4. Gun Girl throwing a rope down.
Panel 5. The group are crawling through a vent into the building.
Panel 1. The group can be seen clambering into the building. A Shadow in the foreground looks on.
Panel 1. A woman with violet hair and long skinny fingers stands casually waiting for them to all arrive.
Violet: Welcome back Samara. I see you’ve brought some friends.
Panel 2. Gun Girl looks at her in shock.
Gun Girl: Violet! How did you know we’d be here!?
Panel 3: Violet and Ethan in scene.
Violet: That paranoid guard at the front had it right front had it right for once. He asked me to check this place…
Ethan: Tch.. Dammit.
Panel 4: Focus on Violet holding up a radio.
Violet: This is Lash reporting in. We have a br-
Panel 5: Radio smashes to pieces because of a Kunai thrown by gun girl.
Panel 1: Focus on Violet
Violet: That was a mistake Samara. You always lost to me in training.
Panel 2: Focus on Violet.
Violet: It won’t be medical this time. This time-
Panel 3: Focus on Violet. Her fingers stretch out even longer.
Violet: This time, I’m going to send you to the morgue!!!
Panel 4: Focus on Violet unleashing her power of finger whips on Gun girl.
Violet: RuaaaAGGH!!
Panel 1: Gun Girl tries desperately to block her attack.
Panel 2: There are too many attacks from different directions. Gun girl is hit.
Panel 3. She is hit several more times.
Panel 4. Gun Girl begins cowering in a corner beginning to cry as the torrent of whipping continues.
Panel 5. Focus on a hand grabbing on one of the whip fingers. The hand bleeding as it does.
Panel 1. Focus on Elsie. She begins pulling that 1 finger toward her like climbing a rope
Panel 2. Elsie steps close. Her hands bleeding, but she won’t let go.
Panel 3. Focus on Violet and Elsie. A torrent of whips cutting up Elsie more.
Panel 4. Focus on Elsie’s foot taking another step closer. A torrent of whipping causing blood droplets on the ground.
Violet: Stay back! Stay back!!!
Panel 1. Close-up of Violet and Elsie. Violet is scared and starting to sweat. Elsie’s face is cutup but she is looking angry.
Else: I won’t let you hurt her again!!!
Panel 2.  Elsie unleashes a punch on Violet. X-ray of scene shows the punch cracking violets ribs.
Violet: Bleerghh!
Panel 1. Violet is on the ground clutching her chest.
 Violet. *Cough. Heh. You guys don’t know do you? *pant
Panel 2. Focus on Violet. A bit of blood coming out of her mouth.
Violet: This isn’t just some single assassins guild. *cough. Were international baby. You’re as good as *censored*ed… hehehe.. *Cough, splurge
Panel 3. Focus on Ethan.
Ethan: *censored*! She’s telling the truth.
Panel 4. Focus on Will. Gun girl in the background with a metal baseball bat ready to hit Violet.
Will: The servers… Maybe if we can find the server room. We can delete ourselves from the hit list…
Panel 5. Focus on Sampson and Gun Girl.
Sampson: Sounds like a good a plan as any. Gun Girl do you know where the server room is.
Gun Girl: I don’t know *sniff. They don’t tell me that much.
Panel 1. Focus on Sampson.
Sampson: Hmm… We got a lot of ground to cover.
Panel 2. Sampson reaches into his bag
Sampson. We’re going to have to split up, but stay safe. Avoid cameras and security.
Panel 3. Sampson hands each member a walkie talkie.
Sampson: If you’re in trouble, use these. I’ll start from the top floor. The rest of you. Teams of two each floor…
Panel 4. The group move out in teams of two except Sampson.
Sampson: Let’s move out!
Panel 5. Ethan and gun girl walking together.
Ethan: You know. You sure did cry a lot for a trained assassin…
Gun girl: As an assassin, your trained to feign emotion to bring about the optimal result and see, it worked, didn’t it?
Panel 6. Focus on  Gun girl and Ethan. Gun girls face turns red.
Ethan: You know I can tell your lying right?
Gun Girl: Grrr. Why did I get paired with you!
Panel 1. Woman is overlooking the city(Same woman from page one.)
Caption:  A few minutes earlier.
Phone: This is Lash reporting in. We have a br- *beep, *beep
Panel 2. Woman talks to the phone.
Woman caption: *censored*! Most of our agents are in the field.
Woman: Calling all available agents. Report to my office. We have a potential code orange.
Panel 3. 3 agents of varying shapes and sizes stand before the woman.
Woman: We’ve lost contact with agent Lash, so assume the threat to be real.
Panel 4: Woman continues while pacing.
Woman: I want you to find them and deal with the situation. Call in if you need help. Don’t try and be a hero here.
Panel 5. The 4 agents split up leaving her alone.
Panel 6. There is a creaking of her office door.
Panel 1. Sampson leans casually at the door opening. 
Sampson: Typical of the boss sit on the top floor. Thanks for making it easy for me to find you.
Panel 2. Woman reaches for her phone.
Panel 3. Focus on Sampsons hand holding a broken cable.
Sampson: Sorry, no interruptions please.
Panel 4. Focus on Woman.
Woman: Tch…
Panel 5. Woman starts unbuttoning her trench-coat.
Sampson: Whoah! I thought we could maybe talk first, you know, get to know each other…
Panel 1. Woman throws trench-coat away to reveal special armoured military suit with various fancy looking gadgets and weaponry.
Panel 1. Elsie are wandering through a floor checking each room.
Will: The floors too big. Can you cover right? I’ll cover left. We’ll meet back here in 2 minutes.
Elsie: Roger Dodger
Panel 2. Will turns a corner only to stumble across a thin frail looking man.
Panel 3. Frail man begins to grin a toothless smile.
Bruiser: Looks like you’ll be the unlucky victim today. My codename is Bruiser. It’s that for a reason, tee hee hee.
Panel 4. His body begins to morph. His arm is now four times its original size in muscle. His Jaw has begun to grow.
Panel 1. The floor know has cracks from all the muscle weight. He looks like an oversized bald gorilla. His arms are ten times the size they once were and there was barely enough ceiling room to contain him.
Bruiser: I hope you like pancakes, cause that’s whats on the menu!
Panel 2. Will strikes a dramatic pose.
Wills caption. Geez, and I thought Sampsons jokes were bad.
Will: Alright! Let’s do this!
Panel 1. Elsie in the foreground. Background is a woman with hair the size of noodles, but each strand seemed to wriggle and crawl.
Worm:  Hello dearie. My, you look like a tasty one.
Panel 2. Close up of Worm. Something is wriggling across her eyeball.
Worm: They call me Worm. How I do so loathe the name, I do like its…functionality.
Panel 3. Focus on Elsie smiling happily whilst holding out her hand.
Elsie: Please to meet you. My name is Elsie!
Panel 4. Worm looks at the hand a little hesitant at first.
Panel 5. Close up of the handshake.
Panel 1. Focus on worm now smiling arrogantly.
Worm: You’re too trusting bitch! Now my worms are going to eat you from the inside out.
Panel 2. Worms begin crawling under the skin of Elsies hand.
Panel 3. Elsies hand begins to shrivel up. Worms grip gets tighter and the worms are now up to Elsies shoulder.
Panel 4. Elsie smiles sadistically. (she looks to of aged 20 years.)
Elsie: And your too forgetful Karah…
Panel 5. Elsies dried up hand begins twisting around Worms.
Worm: What!?
Panel 1. Focus on Elsie’s eyes.
Elsie: My codename was ‘Devour’. Do you remember…?
Panel 2. Worms face in shock.
Worm: What! It can’t be. Y-your dead.
Panel 3. Elsie has a smug look. Her arm now merged with worms and has twisted up around her neck.
Elsie: It’s a nice new HQ you guys have here. I’m going to burn it to the ground just like your last one!
Panel 4. Worm looks like a shrivelled corpse. Silhouette of Elsie waking away in the background.
Panel 1.  Ethan and gun girl get to a large staircase.
Panel 2. Gun Girl looks behind her.
Gun Girl: Something doesn’t feel right
Panel 3. Gun girl roll jumps backward while throwing kunai forward.
Ethan:  No! wait!
Panel 4: The Kunai seem to hit nothing and bounce to the ground
Panel 1. Out from a cloaked metal plate pops a mysterious figure.
Panel 2. He begins clapping.
Gun Girl: …Chameleon!
Chameleon: Well done Samara. I knew your honed, instincts, skills and reflexes would find me and avoid that obvious trap, however...
Panel 3. Chameleon grins mischievously
Chameleon: …I knew your instincts would make you jump back to that very spot.
Panel 4:  Metal walls shoot up from the floor around gun girl.
Panel 5. Chameleon looks casually at Ethan. Noises can be heard from the metal box as Gun Girl tries to break out.
Chameleon: You there. I don’t think we’ve met
Panel 1. Chameleon introduces himself. Ethan gets a radio message from Will.
Chameleon: My codename is Chameleon. Master tactician, strategist and s-
Radio: Ethan, come in Ethan…?
Ethan: One sec.
Panel 2. Ethan talks to Will on the Radio.
Ethan: What’s up?
Will: I’m at the server room. Think you can get me the password?
Panel 3. Ethan looks at Chameleon.
Ethan: What’s the admin password?
Chameleon: hmmm. You know I’m the administrator… I won’t tell you.
Panel 4: Ethan talks to his radio.
Ethan: Tiny Wool Lute
Panel 5. Chameleon is shocked
Chameleon Caption.
Amazing. He looked at my bracelet made of wool. Saw the attached tiny Lute figurine and knew that the password is an anagram of “I won’t tell you.”
Panel 6. Chameleon smirks but a sweat down the side of his head shows he’s a little worried.
Chameleon: Heh, You’re pretty good. But you’re in my world now. This entire area is booby trapped and invisible to your eyes. Not even you can beat a master strategist like me!
Panel 1. Ethan looks at the ground. His hands now his pocket.
Panel 2. Worried look of Chameleon.
Chameleon Caption: What’s he doing? He won’t even look at me…
Panel 3. Ethan begins to walk towards him casually.
Chameleon Caption: Oh, I see. He knows he can’t rely on his vision because of the traps, so he’s using his other senses.
Panel 4. Chameleon smirks but sweat is pouring down his face now.
Chameleon caption: But I knew I might encounter someone like his, so I setup a trap on the 3rd stair in front of him.
Panel 1. Focus on Ethans footsteps sidestepping.
Chameleon Caption: He knew that I would setup a trap like that and avoided it, but I knew that he would know to avoid it so …
Panel 2. Ethan spins back subtly. Chameleon starts frantically tapping on a wrist device.
Chameleon Caption:  Dammit, he sensed the changes in the gravity coming from my counter trap. In that case-
Panel 3. Strobe lighting flashes the room.
Chameleon Caption: -I’ll blind all his senses.
Panel 4. Ethan dances about the room casually. Some traps go off, but none touch him.
Panel 5.  Focus on Chameleon. His grits his teeth. Sweat pours down his forehead eyes are wide.
Panel 1. Focus on Chameleons feet.  A Tile depresses.
Panel 2. A net is revealed under Chameleon that starts to pull him up.
Panel 3. Chameleon looks out at Ethan from inside the net.
Chameleon. Heh. I’ve been outplayed. I’m glad I was finally bested by a fellow intellectual.
Panel 4. Focus on Ethan.
Ethan: yeah. I am smart. The others don’t treat me like I am. It’s nice to finally have someone who appreciates me, you know?
Gun Girl: Get him to let me out, ya jackass.
Panel 5. Focus on Ethan.
Ethan: Oh right… Can you?
Panel 1. Chameleon starts typing on his wrist device.
Chameleon: Yes… or course…
Panel 2. Focus on Chameleon.
Chameleon: Samara was the same to me too. Good luck with her…
Panel 3. Gun girl and Ethan walk off leaving Chameleon trapped in the net.
Chameleon: Till we meet again…
Panel 1. Will and Bruiser are staring each other down.
Panel 2. Bruiser starts charging towards Will.
Panel 3. Will spots something next to him.
Will: Ooh. Server room!
Panel 4. Will casually wanders in there while Bruiser charges past. Debris flying past as he does
Panel 1. Bruiser tries to stick an arm in to reach him.
Bruiser: Come here and fight dammit!
Panel 2. Will starts playing with a laptop.
Will: You can’t come in here can you?
Panel 3. Bruiser starts hammering at the ground.
Bruiser: Whatever your trying to do. It’s pointless without a password…
Panel 4. Will starts talking on the radio
Radio: Ethan, come in Ethan…?
Panel 5. Will talks to Ethan on the Radio
Will: I’m at the server room. Think you can get me the password?
Panel 6. Close-up of Wills fingers typing on the keyboard.

Panel 1. Bruiser starting to look a little worried.
Will: I’m in.
Bruiser: Whaat!!? …Your bluffing…
Panel 2. Will staring into the laptop while typing.
Will: Geez, you guys have info on a lot of people.
Bruiser: Command, come in Command. Tch.. Comms are out.
Panel 3. Will holding his hand over the delete button.
Will: Aaaaand were deleted.
Bruiser: You’re not fooling anyone kid. Come out now and I’ll go easy on you…
Panel 4. Will keeps browsing the laptop.
Will: …What’s Project Isolation?
Bruiser: Oh *censored*!...
Panel 1. Sampson stands in front of the mysterious woman. The woman in a combat ready posture.
Sampson: Look. I came here because I want to talk.
Phase: We have nothing to talk about.
Panel 2. Sampson tries to negotiate peacefully
Sampson: Their just kids! Can you not let this one slide?
Phase: Let me ask you a question, since you and I are both of that age…
Panel 3. Phase still on guard.
Phase: You remember the pre-deific era?
Sampson: *sigh, I do.
Phase: What was the greatest threat to the world back then?
Panel 4. Sampson Shrugs.
Sampson: An asteroid impact, another world war, the weather… nothings changed….
Phase: It was nukes! 1 nuke in the wrong hands could end the world and all it would take is a push of a button.
Panel 1. Focus on Phase.
Phase: Back then, nuclear weapons were walled behind the people in power, and the people with the money.
Panel 2. Phase still talking away
Phase: In this day and age, every single person on this planet could be a potential bomb just waiting to go off…
Sampson: You can’t just execute people on a whim!
Panel 3. Phase continues. Radio on Sampson spatters.
Phase: You may think us evil, but we are a necessary evil, in order to keep this world safe.
Radio: Pshht… Guys. This group… They’re with the government…
Panel 4. Sampson still listening to the radio. Phases eyes narrow.
Radio: Also… The World building school… It’s not a school. It’s a prison. Jayden… We have to save him…*aaah.
Panel 5. Sampson showing concern.
Sampson: Will! Come in Will. Are you ok?
Radio: *psshht  Its.. Bruiser. He’s- grabbed hold…of me.. I-I’ll be ok.
Phase: * sigh. There’s no way I can let you live know. You all know too much.
Panel 6. Phase smiles. Sampson grimaces back.
Phase: Your boys already dead. Bruiser has never last a fight in close combat.
Sampson: For Bruisers sake, I hope that’s not the case…
Panel 1. Will and Bruiser are having the lamest fight in superhero history. Bruiser is in skinny form pulling at Wills face. Will is pushing at Bruisers cheek. A tangled mess of lanky limbs push away at each other.
Panel 1. Sampsons eyes narrow
Panel 2. Scene of Sampsons fist going through Phases head, whilst Phase impales him with a hidden sword from her suit.
Panel 3. Scene of Sampson punching her chest. It connects, causing the chestpiece to push back with his fist, but Phase is un-phased and has already sliced his lower half off with another hidden blade.
Panel 4. Sampson tries an attack and is killed.
Panel 5. Sampson tries an attack and is killed.
Panel. The two are still standing there pacing around each other.
Phase: You know my power don’t you. I can see it in your eyes…
Panel 2. Phase starts tapping on her wrist device on her right hand.
Phase: In that case, I’ll make the first move.
Panel 3. Gun turrets pop out the ceiling.
Panel 4. Sampson dodges the initial bullets spray and kicks away her wrist device. His foot phases right through her arm.
Panel 5. Phase taps on her wrist device on her left hand.
Panel 6. Blades from all corners of the room pop out.
Panel 1. Blades run sporadically through the room. Sampson dodges each one barely. Phase remains still while still tampering with her device. Some blades go through her and cut up some clothing but she remains unhurt.
Panel 2. Sampson dodges a blade and kicks her device away. Again his foot phases through her.
Panel 3. Phase folds out some blades from behind her arm to make swords. Sampson smiles.
Sampson: You’ve got too much reliance on that suit of yours.
Phase. This suit will end you!
Panel 4. Phase slashes with both swords. Sampson rolls forward to dodge.
Panel 1. Sampson performs a straight high kick for Phases groin area. Because of Phases ability, his kick follows all the way through to above her head taking her entire suit with it.
Panel 2. Phase standing nude and a little flustered
Phase: Congratulations. You just earned yourself spot no. 1 on my list
Panel 1. Phase floats through the window of the building to escape.
Panel 2. Ethan, Gun-girl , Will and Elsie bust into the room.
Panel 3. Focus on Sampsons shirt covered in blood. The team are shocked in the background.
Panel 4. Sampson blushed and grinning stupidly. Profuse nose bleed as a result of what he’d seen.
Gun girl: Oh no. Looks at his simple-minded face. They must of beat the brains out of him.
Will: We need a hospital!
Elsie: Oh no! The enemies power is contagious. Look Ethan’s got a nosebleed and stupid grin too, now!
Panel 1. The team are seen leaving the building which is now on fire. Elsies is pretending not to know about who lit the fire. Ethan resigns himself to follow them.
Gun girl: Wow…. We did it…
Sampson: Whoa! Who lit that up?
Elsie: Whistling to herself.
Will: Guys, I know we’ve been through a lot, but I have to go rescue my friend…
Ethan: Some-how I feel like we just made things worse. You know what Will? *censored*-it. Better to die together than die alone…
Will: The saying is it's better to ‘live’ together…
Ethan: I stand uncorrected…
Panel 2. Phase calls blue skinned man.
Phase: Tighten security. Potential threat coming your way…
Blue skinned man: I’ll handle it.

*Tried to fit it at the top, but I've hit character limit there.

Develop Your Story / Re: The Fall
« on: May 04, 2018, 06:44:10 PM »
Hmmm.. So, all of this sites moderators are stuck in a sort of matrix? Their godly admin powers are starting to wear thin as they make their way to the portal to escape or confront the one behind it all... Someone or something that has the power of spam...?

Interested to see what you write next! :)

Develop Your Story / Re: Deifics
« on: May 04, 2018, 06:16:04 PM »
Kean fox, that's pretty spot on for what I'm going for. :biggrin:

legomaestro;  Thanks so much for you reply and feedback! :clapping:  helps a lot


Panel 1. In 1992...? the first super was discovered. (Chaotic scene of police and military trying to control a super.)

- Is it a question or definite?  Also, interesting to go so far back in time.
Not 100% on the timeline. Still want to work out the kinks. I like the way Naruto and Sin no Taizen flash back to events before and want to implement that into my story

40 years ago, the whole world's population unexplainably developed super powers. The resulting chaos caused goverment's to collapse and society to break down in several countries. Now law and order are back through tough enforcement and early assessment of powers for High School teenagers.
20 years later and the entire world’s population had unexplainably developed some kind of power. The result of this dramatic shift caused government’s to collapse and society to break down in several countries. It took another 20 years before a fragile order was restored.

- Okay, usually not a fan of this sort of thing, but to be honest it's a very reliable way to label a story and to tell the audience what exactly they're getting into. I know the kind of story you're talking about, but looking forward to some new twists to the tale and the like.
There will be a reason why everyone developed a power, which i'll cover in the last arc. I kind of want to scrap that start and have a few pages dedicated to showing what happened. I don't like the overview thing

Panel 1.
Caption: Present Day
Will attempts to bring out powers as he watches supers  with different powers outside playing.

- What powers? Ice powers? Fire? Is he holding out his hands? Is he closing his eyes and concentrating? Is he trying to move a house plant?
Will doesn't know what powers he has, So I was thinking we have him trying to push a lamp from a distance with his hand maybe, then stare it down then do some strange power ranger gestures or something....

4. Teenagers are assessed based on their power and their usefulness to society.

- Haha it's sad because it's true irl...
Hehe. I kinda want to flesh this out more too. The types of test they will do, I guess similar to one punch man super assessing.

5. God: World Building and exploration

- Curious about what you mean by 'World Building`?
Hmm.. I think I might change that. IT sounds cheesy. My initial thought was that  its a school for deifics so powerful, they can literally build new worlds or destroy them.
*Major spolier warning
The test at school is to assess if an individual is too powerful, if they are, they get sent to a "special school." Basically a highest security underground prison in the world kept in check by one that can nullify powers.

Demi: Enforcement and military
Dragon: Construction and Engineering
Mutant: Communication and Miscellaneous
Mildly powered: All remaining jobs.

- There seems to be no jobs for security/war/emergency services? Would a Mutant ever be a doctor? Couldn't a Dragon be useful in stopping natural disasters?
Very good point. I need to rethink this. Really appreciate the input

7. There is no known case in the world of someone without a super power but 'Will Livingston' seemed to have no gift.

- If Will is the one and only person without an ability then shouldn't he be famous or something? If his condition is rare then that's ok, but if he really is the only human in the entire planet to have no ability then that would be interesting, but you'd also need to think about how he's viewed by the public.
Good point. I'll change it to a rare condition, but not unusual for people to develop powers late maybe. Will is extremely late being 16 yo without any

8. Panel 5. Black hole
... all I can see is this void.

- Calling it: This must be his ability
Haha. You're half right, and I think its something a lot of people will think too. The void in his dream is a result of someone elses power. Someone has put a block on one of his memories.

9. Radio: Describes Wills character.

- What is Will's character?
hmm. I should of thought more about him. Maybe a bit lanky. Perhaps the loss of his parents has made him a bit emo

10. Bully 1: People like you have no place in society.
- So yeah like I said in 7. you should probably say he's one of the few cases without ability rather than the only one.
Fixing this in my word doc now. Appreciate it!  :thumbsup:
11.Bully 2: You boys should do society a favour and just kill yourselves
Not sure if this is a good idea, but I'm planning a backstory for most characters including this one to show why they are like they are. This one, because of his father, the father because of something that happened before the deific era.
12. Yuto: That guy with the teleport ability. His name is Franky O'Hare and he is as violent as they come.
- Will managed to punch down someone with the ability to teleport? Yikes.
Good catch. I need to flesh this out more. Will would likely be a moron to pick a fight in this day an age. Maybe I'll have him leaving a rubbish trail  for the patrolling teacher, and the punch will be because he's caught the bully off guard plus people develop their powers from 10-12 so the bully wont have god-like control of it... yet

13. PAGE EIGHT. (6 Panels)
Panel 2. Teacher starts scribbling maths equations. Will starts getting sleepy.

- This is actually a 2 panel description. There are other examples of this across the script, so try to really pay attention to this. If it's too hard to visualize, then try writing a pure tv script form before going for panels.
Thanks. good suggestion. I think i've brain-farted a few of these. 
14. PAGE TEN (6 Panels)
Panel 1. Will has a dumbfounded look on his face while scratching he head.
Will: Er..El..sie? I think you have the wrong class. They don't teach that here. Not in class F...
Panel 2. The classroom door is suddenly kicked open.
Panel 3. From the doorway steps out a 12 year old girl holding a gun
12 year old girl: Who here is William Livingston?
Panel 4. Elsie is smitten by the girl.
Elsie: Aww, it's a cute little girl. What's your name sweetie?
12 year old: Out of my face bitch!

- Damn, have some chill plz.

15. 12 year old: To think they give me a Class F flunkie for my first S rank mission. I should of done this sooner.
- Um... Assassin-chan? Why are you revealing so much about your target again?
Good point. I'll have her thinking it and not revealing as much.

16. Panel 2. 12 year old sprays bullets. Elsie takes the bullets for Will forcing both Elsie and Will out the classroom window.
- Another scene that compresses too many actions in one panel.
yup yup

17. PAGE THIRTEEN (7 Panels)
Panel 1. Will semi-worried and confused.
Will: Er... Should we call a doctor?
Guy leaning against wall: She'll be fine.
Panel 2. 12 year old jumps out window guns blazing.
Panel 3. Will back steps narrowly avoiding bullets.
Panel 3. 12 year old shoe soles turn into springs.
Panel 4. 12 year old lands dramatically
Panel 5. 12 year old points the gun at Will and shoots but gun is empty.
Panel 6. 12 year old begins morphing gun to something else
Panel 7. Gun becomes a blade

- Great action here!

18. Panel 4. Sampson is sulking
Sampson says softly: My favourite red bicycle...
- Hahaha

19. Ethan: Her name is Samara Jane. Code name Gun-Girl. Whoa!... She's a Demi-level assassin hired by a special government task force to take our potential threats. Her power is to control metal she touches. She's been trained in the use of all firearms. She doesn't know why Will was the target. Heh. She thinks I’m a moron because…. Oh *censored*!

- Pretty useful ability there.

20. Panel 5. Ethan sprays hose down Elsies throat.

hehe.... yeeaaahh.... So I was thinking of making a wolverine type character. Super-fast metabolism. Can regenerate fast, but I didn't want something from nothing. If there's a hole through  her, she needs something  to consume to fill it, in this case water... I have made this character a bit weird tho. Hopefully not too much because she's kind of important and I don't want people to dislike her.

21. PAGE TWENTY-FOUR (6 Panels)
Panel 1. Sampson king hits Spectre to knock him out.
Spectre:... until every single one of you is fu..

- Spectre... Don't talk... Kill

22. Panel 4. Gun-girl has morphed the fridge into a giant mini-gun and has a crazy smile about her.
Gun-Girl: ...the FIGHT to THEM!

- She said it.

23. Teach: er... Sometimes I can get too focused on one possible outcome. (drawing of Teacher about to hit a wall. 10 possible outcomes (10 of him around him looking at different things while he rides his bike.) One of his outcomes is him perving on a girl with a red dress.) -Heart eyes outcome of him looking on girl with red dress, dotted line back to him riding a bicycle with heart eyes about to crash into a wall.

- Sounds like a troublesome ability.

I'm a bit conflicted whether I should reveal their powers as their fighting each other like 'terraformars', or leave it a mystery till later...

I'll make the changes to my word doc, and then fix it up on MR soon. Thanks again! :D

Develop Your Story / Deifics
« on: May 03, 2018, 05:38:42 AM »
Hi all. I'm very new to this site. I am writing a manga called "Deifics". It's a fairly dark manga about a world similar to x-men, but where people evolved too quickly and many used their power for their own selfish gain.

About Deifics.
Deifics is a shoenen manga set in the world where everyone has developed some kind of super power, but where a majority used their powers selfishly causing a collapse of society. The story takes place roughly 20 years after world order was restored with the heroine of the story seemingly having no power.

General Synopsis/1st Arc Synopsis
The new world caused a great divide between people. No longer by wealth, but by an individuals new gift. Meet Will. Will is a bitter 16 yo teen. His parents went missing years ago and he's now being looked after by a teacher named Sampson.
The average human develops some kind of power by the age of 10-12, but Will was 16 now and had no such gift. He tries practicing everyday to bring his power out. He hopes to one day receive the gift that will allow him to get revenge on whoever made his parents disappear
At nights he has this strange dream like a memory. In this dream, he is just a boy. He's scared. He remembers a small body lying next to him. He can’t see their face.

One day at school everything would change. He saves someone from an S rank bully who swears murder on him. He's targeted by a secretive organization for assassination and is saved by a girl he has never met, who has been looking for him for a very long time...

I'm a bit apprehensive about sharing more, just because I don't think my writing is good enough for you guys, but if you are curious, here is my very rough script.

Book 1
PAGE ONE (4 Panels)
Panel 1. Scene of a man walking through the streets. Each step causing the ground to crack and building windows to shatter…
The 1st documented “deific-human?” made his appearance in June of 2020. It was a day no-one would ever forget. It was like a god had spawned on earth.
Panel 2. Scene of footsteps causing ground to crack and particles of earth to lift.
Panel 3. Side view of man with glass windows of buildings shattering in the foreground
Panel 4. Behind view of the man with a police/military blockade setup in front of him.
PAGE TWO (4 Panels)
Panel 1. Scene of the police with their guns pointed.
Police officer with microphone: Put your hands up slowly where we can see them.
Panel 2. Scene of man lifting his hands and the rumble of the ground trembling as he does.
Panel 3. Policeman panics and opens fire.
Panel 4. The rest follow and all are now firing.
PAGE THREE (4 Panels)
Panel 1. Scene of the man stomping the ground
Panel 2. The earth cracks open and protrudes earth from under a vehicle forcing the car to jump up for the ground blocking some of the gunfire
Panel 3. Some stray bullets get past crippling the man.
Panel 4. Scene of man in handcuffs being escorted by heavily armed soldiers.
After a dramatic confrontation with the police and military, he was quickly subdued and taken away, never to be seen again. However, he would not be the last.
Man: I didn’t want this. I never asked for this….
Panel 1: Scene of a few people looking bewildered as the find themselves with some kind of power. Bystanders look shocked as they watch.
Caption: His appearance marked the dawn of a new age referred to as the “Deific Era” as more and more people began to develop some kind of power.
Panel 2: Scene of people flying, swimming, surfing in the air. Kids playing using some unusual powers
Caption: Within 10 years, the entire human population over 9 years of age had developed some kind of power.
Panel 3: Scene of city on fire and smoke billowing in the distance.
Caption: The sudden rise of radicals with sometimes overwhelming powers caused policing crime and chaos to become near impossible. .
PAGE FIVE (4 Panels)
Panel 1: Close shot of a hand with a floating bloody knife on his fingertips
Panel 2. Close up of a man with yellow eyes and a wicked smile. Cowering people in the foreground
Yellow-eyed man: I once got told that it’s a dog eat dog world and the alphas always on top.
Panel 3. Man with yellow-eyes licking the blood from the knife.
Old man: Please, let us be. We’ll give you whatever you want!
Yellow-eyed man: Sorry, but this old dog is hungry…
Panel 4: Yellow-eyed many twists his hand slightly to send the spinning dagger flying
PAGE SIX (1 Panel)
Panel 1. Yellow eyed man and his gang watch as the dagger spins back with a severed heart. The cowering people in the background are horrified. An old man lies on the floor oozing blood.
Yellow-eyed man: To let you live is like living with rats. You serve no benefit to this world. You just eat, *censored* and spread your filth. WHY would I WANT you to live IN MY HOUSE!??
Panel 1. Close up of Yellow-eyed man pointing dagger at the cowering people.
Yellow-eyed man: kill these vermin.
Panel 2. Same scene. Yellow-eyed mans eyes move.
Yellow-eyed man: Guys?
Panel 3. Yellow-eyed man turns around. Zoom out to show all his henchmen are dead. Crowd of shadowy figures have gathered around him.
Yellow-eyed man: You….Yo-Your’e just like me. Why protect these rats!?
Panel 1. A blade skewers the yellow-eyed man.
SFX: Bleaah
Panel 2. Zoom out. City streets chaos. A gathering of people with powers try to save cowering citizens using their powers.
Caption:  It took the combined efforts of a few good-hearted individuals. People whose past lives were helping people. They may have been Doctors, teachers, psychologists, Nurses… They would have likely not harmed a single soul in their old life. Now, despite all their good intentions, they would be forced to do horrible things, to bring the world back.

Panel 1. The protagonist (a 16 year old boy) Will attempts to bring powers as he watches kids his age outside playing with their specials.  (Will tries a Kamehameha pose.)
Caption: Present Day
Panel 2. It’s now night time. Will is still trying to bring a power out. (Will tries Xavier head pointing gesture, trying to make a flower pot move)
Panel 3.: Sampson knocks on the door
Panel 4: Sampson opens the door a little (..and sees Will in a Ginyu pose)
Sampson: It’s bedtime Kiddo.
Panel 5. Sampson tucks will into bed.
Sampson Goodnight Will.
Panel 1. Will lies in bed
Caption: If is very rare for teens and older to have no superpower, but ‘Will Livingston’ Seemed to have no gift
Panel 2. Will closes his eyes and sleeps.
Panel 3. Image of a black void
PAGE ELEVEN (5 Panels)
Panel 1. A frightened Will as a child stands near a lake in the rain

I always have this dream like a memory. In this dream, I am just a boy. I'm scared. I remember a small body lying next to me. I can’t see their face.
Panel 2. Alarm buzzes
Panel 3. Will hits alarm with one hand and rubs his eyes with the other
The strange thing is....
Panel 4. Will looks up trying to recall memory
Whenever I try to remember that time when I was a boy...
Panel 5. Black hole
... all I can see is this void.
Panel 1. Sampson busts into room with some breakfast.
Sampson: C'mon kiddo, were late! Let’s go!
Panel 2. Will puts on school shirt. Sampson adjusts tie
This is my carer. His name is Sampson. He is also one of my teachers at school.
Panel 3. Will and Sampson are riding bicycles to school.
Sampson: Oh man, I feel like my bicycle this morning… Too Tired!
Will looks down at Sampson with a look of shame
He's a bit goofy and he tells some lame jokes, but I think he's one of the good ones...
Panel 4. Sampson crashes bicycle into Will.
...but he can be a little clumsy.
Panel 5. Angry Will. Apologetic Sampson.
Panel 6. They arrive at the school gates. Some students fly in, some float, some slide...etc
...there is something that he's hiding from me.
Panel 1. Text: Earlier that day... (Introduction to Gun-Girl)
 Radio: Iron1 are you clear?
Gun-Girl stands in a dilapidated bullet-ridden building. Her guns are smoking. A stranger lies at her feet beaten and bloody.
Piece of cake!
Radio: Good, Somethings come up. We got a code yellow 10 clicks south-west of your position. Think you can make it?
On it!
Gun-girl leaps athletically from building to building.
A large high calibre sniper rifle is setup on the rooftops and Gun-girl looks at people on the streets below.
What's the target?
Radio: Your target  is a teen, messy black hair,180cm, lanky. He’ll be riding a blue bicycle and is escorted by a messy looking adult man, with a red tie, riding a red bicycle. Observe but DO NOT take the shot until you know the targets weakness.
Gun-girls scope zooms in on the two riding their bicycles to school...

Panel 1. Will and Sampson are parking their bicycles.
Will: Hey Teach?
Panel 2. Walking towards classroom.
Will: Whatever happened to my parents?
Sampson: I promise I will tell you when you're older...When you're ready to know.
Panel 3. The go separate ways and head towards their own classes.
Whenever I ask, I always hear that same generic response.  Thing is...
Panel 4. Will comes across 2 super students bullying another down a quiet corridor.
Panel 5. Will scrunches up a piece of paper/ rubbish in his hand
I have an idea of what might of happened to them.
Panel 6. Tosses rubbish over his shoulder
Panel 1. Will eyes off the 2 bullies.
The new world created thousands of these people
Panel 2. With one closed fist, Will charges towards the bullies from their blind spot. A rubbish trail can be seen behind him.
People that prey on whoever is weaker than them…
Panel 3. Wills fist makes contact with one of the bullies faces.
If I found out that it was people like this that hurt my family...
Panel 4. Bully 1 clutches his now bloody nose. Bully 2 looks at him un-phased.
Panel 5. Close up of Will. Fire in his eyes.
I will make them burn.
Panel 1. Bully 1 teleports behind will, locking his arms.
Bully 1. Kill him. Kill this *censored*er!
Panel 2. The walls begin to freeze over and particles of snow begin twisting through the air.
Panel 3. One of the female teacher’s steps onto the scene. In one hand is a pile of rubbish that Will made. In the other hand are frozen icicles spinning around the palm of her hand
Teacher: What's going on here!? Are you boys fighting!?
Panel 4. Bully 1: No Maam. Just Practicing our supers is all.
Bully 2: Remains silent.
Panel 4. The air around the teacher starts to freeze over. Teachers voice becomes deeper.
Frost Teacher: Well, don't let me catch you out here outside of class time again. You won't like me if I do.

Panel 1. Bullies begin walking away.
Bully 1: Tch.. This isn't over
Bully 2: Stares silently back at them. 
Panel 2. Will helps victim up.
Panel 3. Focus on teachers hand holding Wills rubbish.
Panel 4. Angry look of frost teacher.
Frost Teacher: Was that you that made that rubbish trail?
Will: It was me…. I’m sorry.
Panel 5: Teacher smiles and winks
Frost teacher: quick thinking. I’ll let you off the hook this time, now hurry up, get to class.
Panel 6. Frost teacher walks off down the hall.

Panel 1. Yuto dusts himself off.
Yuto: Th...Thankyou. No-ones ever stood up for me like that before...You sh-shouldn't have.
Panel 3. Will gives a cheesy smile.
Will: Hey, Don't mention it.  My name is Will by the way.
Panel 4. Yuto gives a concerned look over his face.
Yuto: My name is Yuto, and really you should not of helped me...
Panel 5. Left side of Yutos face as he describes Bully 1 using his power to beat someone
Yuto: That guy with the teleport ability. His name is Franky O'Hare and he is as violent as they come.
Panel 6. Right side of Yutos face as he describes Bully 2.
Yuto: The second guy is Malid Botha. They are both Demi level. His power is unknown because no one has seen it and lived.
Panel 1. Yuto describes past schools where even the teachers were afraid of them. 
Yuto: They've moved through several schools because each was too scared to take them in.
Panel 2. Yuto puts his head down and cries a little.
Yuto: I am sorry you got involved in this. I hope nothing happens to you.
Panel 3. Will puts a reassuring hand on Yutos shoulder.
Will: We all gotta look out for each other. The more of us that have each others back, the less jerks like these have any power over us and If I had the chance again I would do exactly the same thing a million times over.
Panel 4. Yuto gives a teary eyed smile
Panel 5. Yuto and Will begin to head to class and wave goodbye to each other.
Yuto: Thankyou Will. I'll see you around.
Will: See you around Yuto.
Earlier that day...
Introduction to Elsie.
Panel 1. Elsie is walking down an alley. There are 2 shady looking figures in the distance leaning against a wall
Panel 2. The two thugs get off the wall to block Elsies path.
Thug1:  My, my, we got a pretty one says one of the thugs while licking at his knife
Thug2: Ready for some entertainment missy? You being the entertainment... heh.
Elsie: Look, I don't want any trouble.
Panel 3. Thugs start closing in on Elsie
Thug1: Trouble? No trouble at all (he says while unzipping his fly)
Elsie: You guys must be class A Supers or really insanely stupid to try that in this day and age?
Thug2: Oh-ho spunky. I like that. I'll give you some more. heh.
Panel 4. Elsie is leaving the Alley. The two thugs are now look like corpses behind her drained to the bone of all fluid?
Elsie: Be quiet voice in my head, I have things to do!
Panel 5. She notices some blood on her now torn jumper.
Panel 6. Elsie throws the jumper into a nearby trashcan.
Elsie: Assholes. I really liked that jumper.
Next Elsie is walking to school with a map of the school grounds. Elsie has arrived late to school and it has already started.  A large school clock shows she is perhaps an hour late. Perhaps Gun-girl can be see scouting the campus...

Schools now have classes A-F bases on an individual’s power with A being where the most powerful students and F being the polar-opposite.
Panel 1. Will opens the door to class F. Room is full of odd looking students. Students with bones for hair. Eyebrows that jut out from the forehead. Nails that have grown out like claws (Basically full of mildly powered supers... Draw what you think makes sense)
Panel 2. Will takes his seat.
Ah, Class F. A place that schools put mildly powered super students they don't know what to do with. All the teaching done here is based on the pre-super era.
Panel 3. Teacher starts scribbling maths equations.
Panel 4. Will falls asleep.
Panel 5. Elsie enters the room slamming the door behind her and waking up Will.
Elsie: Sorry I’m a little late. Is this class F?
Panel 1:Elsie is still standing at the doorway leading into the classroom.
There stood a beautiful blonde girl seemingly free of all imperfections unlike the other everyone else around.
Teacher: Ah, you must be Elsie. Please take a seat. You can find one up the back.
Panel 2:
Elsie takes a seat next to Will and causes him to blush a little.
Panel 3:
Elsie taps Will on the shoulder.
Eslie: Excuse me, can you help me catch up with what I’ve missed?
Panel 4:
Will: Wha.. me ..er Oh yeah.. we numbers learning….
Will becomes extremely flustered
Panel 5:
Elsie: um… I see… Thanks?
Panel 1:
Elsie turns away.
Will starts clawing at his head and mumbling to himself. (‘stupid, stupid!’)
Panel 2:
Elsie looks over to catch an even more embarrassed Will with hair splayed all over the place.
Will: (Trying to sound cool. ) Hey, Sup…?
Panel 3:
Speaker: Attention all students. Alice Noa is here on behalf of the Government for our routine checks. Please report to the testing assembly and await further instructions.

Throughout the year schools will hold random ability assessments to judge an individual’s usefulness to society. The tests are always different each time.
Panel 1. The students enter a giant towering stadium with towering robots/tanks, a diamond plated barb-wire pit. Several walls of varying thickness
Panel 1. Will struggling through the barb-wire maze getting cuts as he slowly progresses.
I always hated these tests.
Panel 2. Will face planting against the 1st wall from the varying walls.
Panel 3. Will running around from giant robots with lasers.
Panel 4. Teacher about to push the stopwatch.
Teacher. Ready, set, g-
Panel 5. Jayden seems to blink past the barbed obstacle to the teacher.
Jayden. I’m done.
Panel 1. Malid casually walks through the walls of varying thickness
Panel 2. Franky teleports past all the military robots/tanks to get to the end-zone.
Panel 3. Speaker interrupts Will who is still trying to complete the course.
Speaker. Thankyou for your participation today. We would also like to give a huge round of applause to the few that beat the test! Each will be given one million RB and will be immediately taken to the prestigious Gaia school. Please give your congratulations to Franky O'Hare, Malid Botha and Jayden Finn
We would like to interrupt today's classes to make an important announcement. The Government have chosen 3 of our top Super Students to advance to the prestigious God level, World Building school.
Panel 5. Students begin clapping
Please put a hand together for Franky O'Hare, Trenton Bales and Jayden Finn
Panel 6. Students in Class F gather at the windows where a prestigious Limo Helicopter has landed
Panel 1. Back at class the students are gathered at the windows to see of the students that cleared the course.
Panel 2. Will waves to Jayden and Jayden waves back, before boarding the limousine-like chopper.
Panel 3. Malid and Franky board the chopper. Franky spits on the ground before getting on.
Panel 4. Will feels a female hand on his shoulder.
Panel 5. Female character introduces herself.
Female Char: You're Will right? You know one of them?
Panel 6. Will blushes.
Will: My friend Jayden is boarding that chopper…Can I help you with something?
Panel 7. The two are talking quite close next to the school window.
Elsie: Sorry, I'm fairly new to this school. I'm wondering when they teach power control.
Panel 1. Will has a dumbfounded look on his face while scratching he head.
Will: Er..El..sie? I think you have the wrong class. They don't teach that here. Not in class F...
Panel 2. The classroom door is suddenly kicked open.
Panel 3. From the doorway steps out a 12 year old girl holding a gun
12 year old girl: Who here is William Livingston?
Panel 4. Elsie is smitten by the girl.
Elsie: Aww, it's a cute little girl. What's your name sweetie?
12 year old: Out of my face bitch!
Panel 5. Elsie has an angry face. There is a sparkle in the 12 yr olds eye as she finds her target.
12 year old: There you are Will. I’m not sure how you keep avoiding my shot.
Panel 6. 12 year old left side face explains assassination attempts.  (eg Bicycle riding crash causes missed bullet when she tries to snipe)
Each time your Dad keeps getting in the way. Each time I have to plan a new way to kill you.
Panel 1. 12 year old smiles and she gets ready to shoot.
12 year old: To think that all this time, my target was just a  Class F flunkie. I should of done this sooner.
Elsie: Just wait one sec little missie.
Panel 2. 12 year old sprays bullets. Elsie takes the bullets for Will forcing both Elsie and Will out the classroom window.
Blam, Blam, Blam
Panel 3. Elsie pulls out her phone
Panel 4. Elsie smiles and takes a selfie
Will: What the....?
Panel 5. Elsie spins them around in the air so he's on top of her
Panel 6. Elsie is crushed on the concrete one floor below but the Will is alive and well. (You can make this more or less gruesome if you prefer.)
Thud, splatter
PAGE THIRTY (6 panels)
Panel 1. Elsie reaches out for something. There are tears rolling out her eyes and blood trickling from her mouth.
Will: Oh god, she's still allive...She must be in pain!
Panel 2. There is a guy leaning casually against the wall outside with his hands in his pockets.
Guy: Nope, that's not it.
Panel 3. Focus on her hand reaching out for something.
Panel 4. Focus on her phone with a cracked screen
Panel 5. Will picks up phone
Will: It's just the screen part that's cracked. It should be easy to replace...
Panel 6. Elsie gives a bloody toothed smile and sigh of relief.
Panel 1. Will semi-worried and confused.
Will: Er... Should we call a doctor?
Guy leaning against wall: She'll be fine.
Panel 2. 12 year old jumps out window guns blazing.
Panel 3. Will back steps narrowly avoiding bullets.
Panel 3. 12 year old shoe soles turn into springs.
Panel 4. 12 year old lands dramatically
Panel 5. 12 year old points the gun at Will and shoots but gun is empty.
Panel 6. 12 year old begins morphing gun to something else
Panel 7. Gun becomes a blade
Panel 1. 12 year old attacks and misses Will with the blade.
Panel 2. 12 year old follows with a leg sweep. The sole of her shoe becomes an ice-skating like blade.
Panel 3. 12 Year olds leg is caught by the Sampson with one hand. The other hand rests casually in his pocket.
Sampson: I can't let you do that.
Panel 4. 12 year old kicks with her other leg and frees herself.
Panel 5. 12 year old cartwheels back to a safer distance near the schools metal flagpole.
Panel 6: Close up of Sampson stoic and determined.
Panel 7. Close-up of 12 year old. She's nervous. Sweat trickles down the side of her face.
Panel 1. 12 year old morphs a chunk of the flagpole into several ninja stars.
Panel 2. She throws the ninja stars which teach casually dodges as he makes his way forward
Panel 3. Flagpole falls past Sampson like timber. Sampson is un-phased. Same determined stoic look.
Panel 4. 12 year old smirks and touches the fallen flagpole
Panel 5. Flagpole is touching bicycle rack behind teach
Panel 6. Several bladed bicycle wheels come flying toward teach from behind
Panel 1. Sampson casually steps around the bladed wheels. Same unchanged stoic face.
Panel 2. Sampson then turns around in with a sudden shocked look upon his face.
Panel 3. Sampson drops to his knees in despair. His hands clutching his head in despair.
Teach: NOOOOOoooooo!!!
Panel 4. Sampson is sulking
Sampson says softly: My favourite red bicycle...
Panel 5. 12 year old rushes toward teaches exposed back with a blade in her hand.
Panel 6. Sampson casually catches her knife hand while still despairing over his bicycle.
Sampson softly: I’ve had that bicycle for 19 years…
Panel 1. Sampson forces 12 year olds hands behind her back.
Sampson: I have a few questions for you before I hand you over to the authorities.
Panel 2. Guy leaning against wall starts walking over to them. Will is in the scene.
Guy: You can't do that. You hand her over to the authorities and she's as good as dead.
Will: Who a...
Panel 3. Guy smiles and introduces himself.
Guy:  Who am I? My name is Ethan Bellamy and I can read people's minds.
Panel 4. Will and Ethan are in the scene.
Will: So what do you propose we do then?
Ethan: Let me talk to her for a bit.
Panel 5. Ethan approaches the 12 year old.
Ethan: She's scared...
12 year old: I'm not afraid of anything!
Panel 6. Ethan asks several questions to the girl.
Ethan: What's your name? Who do you work for? Why did you attack Will?
Panel 1. 12 year old remains silent.
Panel 2. Ethan gives everyone answers.
Ethan: Her name is Samara Jane. Code name Gun-Girl. Whoa!... She's a Demi-level assassin, an agent of an independent military task force called ‘Shroud’ to take out potential threats. Her power is to control metal she touches. She's been trained in the use of all firearms. She doesn't know why Will was the target. Heh. She thinks I’m a moron because…. Oh *censored*!
Panel 3. Ethan looks surprised.
Ethan: *censored*, *censored*, *censored*!
Panel 4. Ethan grabs a wire from behind Gun-Girls ear.
Panel 5: Ethan stomping the wire into the ground.
Panel 6: Gun-Girl is crying.
Gun-Girl: Now you've gone and done it. Everyone who has just heard what you have said has been marked by them. We're all as good as dead.
Panel 1. Ethan tries to calm Gun-Girl down.
Ethan: You know we're all in this together now.
Panel 2. Ethan crouches down to reassure Gun-Girl.
Ethan. Tell you what... You've seen how strong Teach is right?
Panel 3. Gun-Girl nods head while crying.
Panel 4. Ethan puts a reassuring hand on Gun-Girls shoulder.
Ethan: Well from now on your gonna live with Will and Teach. They'll protect you!
Panel 5. Will and teach synchronously shocked.
Will and Teach: WHAAAAAATTTT!!!???
Panel 6. Ethan concerned look.
Ethan: In fact, if this agency is as dangerous as I think it is then it's not a bad idea if we all stick together from now on.
Panel 1. Focus on Elsie who is now fully healed but looks super skinny and frail.
Eslie: (weakly)...er guys
Panel 2. Will, Teach and others look toward Elsie.
Will: Oh, *censored*! We forgot about Elsie!
Ethan: She needs food and drink.
Panel 3. Sampson gets some food from his lunchbox.
Panel 4. Ethan grabs a hose.
Panel 5. Ethan sprays hose down Elsies throat.
Panel 6. Elsie starts looking more normal.
Panel 1. Elsie is back to normal. Stomach is heavily bloated.
Panel 2. Elsie stands up and starts pulling her larger gut up.
Panel 3. Elsies gut becomes enlarged boobs. Top button of schoolshirt pops out to show cleavage.
Panel 4. Will, Sampson and Ethan are synchronously gobsmacked.
Will, Sampson and Ethan: WHOA!!!
Panel 5. Elsie gives a slap across all 3 of their cheeks in one slap.
Panel 6. Elsie. Arms folded in disgust. Will, Sampson and Ethan hold their swollen cheeks.
Elsie: Jackasses.
PAGE FORTY(6 Panels)
Panel 1. Students start gathering outside around the area.
Panel 2. Frost teach approaches them. She blushes when she sees Sampson
Frost teacher: Hey is everything ok… you piece of crap?(Frost teacher likes Sampson… but has a mild case of torrets around him maybe…?)
Panel 3. Sampson gathers the group.
Sampson: Er.. I'm ok. Just going to get these guys over to the authorities. Shouldn't be a problem.
Frost teacher: I hope you know what you’re doing…Stay safe…you turd in a  burger of poop….
Samson. um… Thanks?
Panel 4. They begin leaving the school grounds A high level powered janito arrives to grudgingly start cleaning up their mess. (Same high-level power will show up to clean up their mess each time after a fight...etc, like a stan lee cameo?)
Panel 5. Gun-Girl tugs on Sampsons sleeve.
Gun-Girl: So where you taking us Gramps?
Panel 6. Sampson is flustered.
Sampson: I'm not old, I'm 43. Still in my prime!
Panel 1. Sampson grits teeth.
Gun-Girl: Seems pretty old to me!
Sampson: Tch.
Panel 2. Sampson serious face.
Sampson. If we need somewhere safe, I may know a place. Just till we work out what to do next.
Panel 3. Will and Ethan talk.
Will: Hey Ethan, you said you’re a mind reader, can you read the Teachs mind?
Ethan: The Teach is the one person I can't read. Everything is too jumbled...
Panel 4. Sunsets. They walk to the outskirts of the city
Panel 5. They arrive at a dilapidated wooden house.
Elsie: This house looks creepy.
Panel 6. They are inside the house. Teach begins feeling around the floor.
Panel 1. Teach finds a button under a floorboard.
Panel 2. Floorboard opens up to reveal stairs going down.
Panel 3. They head downstairs.
Elsie: What is this place?
Panel 4. Sampson turns on the lights to reveal a very modern looking living quarters with a large amount of food supplies. Fridge..etc
Sampson: Years ago when the world went to hell, nowhere was safe. It took a long time for the world to recover. My parents built this place in case the world ever fell apart again.
Ethan: Wow, very cool!
Panel 5. Sampson starts cooking some dinner in the kitchen. The rest gather on some couches.
Will: Hey Ethan, I'm kinda curious what you were doing there in the first place?
Panel 6. Zoom in on Ethan explaining.
Ethan: It's just my spot for listening in. Peoples thoughts can be like listening to your favourite tv drama... Just never thought I'd get stuck inside of one though...
Panel 1. Sampson is suddenly concerned.
Sampson: Everyone, trust me and hold your breath right now!
Panel 2. Close-up of Sampson flipping a secret switch
Panel 3. Ceiling lights up in flames. Mysterious figure (Somewhat burnt) falls to the floor.
Panel 4. Sampson heroic pose.
Sampson: You chose the wrong people to follow. This place right here was built as a safe-haven from superpowered psychopaths like yourself. Who sent you?
Panel 5. Gun-Girl recognises the face of the stranger.
Gun-Girl: Oh *censored*! That's Spectre. He's an assassin from the syndicate. He can become air, get inside your lungs and kill you from the inside out. Oh-no..no they found us already...
Panel 6. Spectre gives a sly smirk.
Spectre: That's right you traitor bitch, and we'll keep on coming for you...
Panel 1. Sampson king hits Spectre to knock him out.
Spectre:... until every single one of you is fu..
SFX: Pow
Panel 2. Gun-Girls standing up and looking down with fists clenched.
Gun-Girl:  He's right but, you know...
Panel 2. Gun-Girl touches the fridge.
Gun-Girl: So...
Ethan: Oh god...
Panel 3. Gun girl starts morphing the fridge
Gun-Girl: let's take...
Ethan: Don't say it!
Panel 4. Gun-girl has morphed the fridge into a giant mini-gun and has a crazy smile about her.
Gun-Girl: ...the FIGHT to THEM!
Ethan: Oh man, how did I get caught up in this...?
Panel 5. Group shot of all of them. Sampson is tearing his hair out. Ethan is worried. The rest are keen.
Sampson: O gawd! My fridge! Turn it back! Turn it back!
Gun-Girl: (mumbles) I'm an assassin... I only know how to make weapons...
Will: (Sarcastically) Suppose I could, I'm not doing anything tomorrow.
Elsie: Sure why not?
Ethan: You guys aren't seriously thinking of going ahead with this are you?
Panel 6. (Optional- may be a bit tight) Silhouette of the 5 heroes armed to the teeth leaving, behind Spectre in an air tight glass case
Sampson: You better hope we get back from this. There's only enough air in that case to last 24 hours.

End of Book 1

Welcome Center / Re: Nooby
« on: May 02, 2018, 09:57:22 PM »
Thanks Coryn! Looking forward to being a part of the community.  ;D

KeanFox. Theres a lot more to the story. I think I may of gone a bit too ambitious with it. It is my first manga story attempt . I'll post some more details soon.  ::)

Welcome Center / Nooby
« on: May 02, 2018, 07:40:18 AM »
Hi all! I am very new to this site. I kinda found this site because of a comic book idea I'm trying to make good-ish. I did a google search and this awesome place came up.

I grew up on american comics and got heavily into anime/manga later on. I like anime like 'Youjo Senkai', 'Kiseijuu: Sei no Kakuritsu', 'no game no life' but tend to lean towards more darker anime. I'm slowly reading through 'death mage who doesn't want a fourth time' and 'overlord.

Not sure where to start, but I'm looking for someone to read through my comic idea/ help me write it out.

Manga Writers wanted / Re: Manga Writer here
« on: May 02, 2018, 06:54:14 AM »
I know I'm replying quite late, but I would really be grateful for any help. I am writing a manga called "Deifics". It's a fairly dark manga about a world similar to x-men, but where people evolved too quickly and many used their power for their own selfish gain.

My story will take place 20 years after a great war. There is once again world order, but policing is a lot more extreme. We're introduced into this world through a character called "Will", who unlike everyone else, seems to have no power.

His school has a ranking system based on a persons usefulness to society. Will of course goes to Class "F". Surrounded by people with semi-useless powers like growing their nails long or changing hair color, etc...

One day at school everything changes. He saves someone from being bullied by someone from Class "S" who then threatens to kill him. He is targeted for assassination by a mysterious organization and a girl who he has never met, saves his life and tells him that she has been looking for him for a long time...

I've written several pages and know how the start, middle and end will play out, but I would be extremely grateful for any help. If your interested, let me know. Open to criticism and willing to  :sheep:*work on it. lol (kinda wanted to use it too)

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