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Messages - DevilPogoStick

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Manga Creations / Re: The Kaimon Tales!
« on: June 21, 2018, 07:44:22 AM »
I think the big thing with this particular piece is that it hovers in a weird limbo between being a script and being straight prose. That could be completely intentional, or could just be a personal preference of mine that I like it one way or the other, but everything feels a little bit lilted and awkward because of it, I think. There's a notable lack of transitions between scenes, and especially setups for new scenes, and it's a little dialogue-heavy, like a script would be, but the dialogue is often described well, such as it being blunt or dull etc, which almost makes it sound like prose.  Again, it could be some weird personal preference. I think that this could more easily and naturally fit into the writing style of prose or script with tweaking.

Don't take any of my feedback to heart, really. I'm not much of a writer myself, so I probably have no idea what the hell I'm talking about haha.

Thank you, the feedback is much appreciated!

I'm still striving to improve so this will get me thinking. Also, is the story entertaining in any way? I'm trying to improve on my mini plots as well.

MR Pub / Re: Chit Chat 2018
« on: June 10, 2018, 09:04:51 PM »
Hmmm, I really like to get some critique on my story so far because...I do think I can do way better.

...Probably feeling this way because working an extra frustrating hour out of the blue really leaves me feeling grumpy. :(

Manga Artists Wanted / Re: Available free non-paid artist here!
« on: June 09, 2018, 09:51:51 PM »
Well, to be honest, I like to see if anyone like to help make a cover art for my story to use for wattpad.

But you like to contact me, do PM me here.

Manga Creations / Re: The Kaimon Tales!
« on: June 02, 2018, 04:27:04 PM »
Hmm, I admit I do need to do a few addons.

But feedback is much appreciated!

Manga Writer workshop / Re: Write A Story in 6 Words
« on: May 31, 2018, 07:06:35 PM »
Guy meets estranged space pirate brother.

break Room / Re: The Status Of Our Fellow Raiders
« on: May 29, 2018, 08:44:30 AM »
status: Still here, working hard on my current job of two plus years and writing. Currently bummed out because I released a new story in need of feedback in a couple of sites and personal groups but didn't get any all week. :(

progress: Nevertheless, still writing and planning additional content for the Kaimon Tales. I still greatly enjoy making the hijinks of that strange town (or city) in Japan nobody talks about lol

improvements: Best one this year...I switched full on to prose than script! I...Just need feedback. QAQ

MR Pub / Re: Chit Chat 2018
« on: May 24, 2018, 12:00:03 PM »
Yikes Mahlua, I hope you'll enjoy yourself at the con.

Hmmm, I finally after a dry spell release a soft reboot of my series...But I haven't gotten feedback for it. Not just here, but a few other sites. My writing group are also busy at this time so...Yeah, playing the waiting game while writing my next material

General Manga writer discussions / Re: Writer Discussion Table
« on: May 24, 2018, 08:25:23 AM »
Now to be blunt....No, they're just works in Fictionpress in which I knew the authors.

The slow paced one is called Chronicles of Zilos. I don't talk to the author anymore (as he was...An attention whore who will push his works over yours) so I will say he mighy have improved overtime...probably.

...So here's a link to something he wanted me and several others to read.

The other is a story that thankfully is deleted and the author is trying to improve called apocalypse knight.

MR Pub / Re: Chit Chat 2018
« on: May 22, 2018, 05:31:14 PM »
And I thought having no feedback for my recent stuff was a bit of a bummer.

Good grief, that's rough. :(

General Manga writer discussions / Re: Writer Discussion Table
« on: May 21, 2018, 07:15:11 PM »
@Fronomenal: Good point. I once read two stories that really suffered on the action sequences.

One made the grand mistake of starting the entire story off with the protagonist already deep into combat, with no slow down at all. Heavy on both dialogue and details, I had to take breaks. It was also extremely cringing as it wants to be taken seriously but it had that "calling your attacks cause it's cool" factor in it that made me hate it more. It was the first chapter too.

The other took its time to develop the character and setting but...It was extremely lazy on execution. A take on Power Rangers/Super Sentai, it...Was shockingly enough the written version of freaking stock footage. Yes, stock footage. The author didn't bother to change the transformation sequence because it's copy/pasted to the max. And the fight is entirely predictable and the antagonists are pushovers. It practically always ends with the hero doing the ultimate move. It wasn’t painfully long...But it's just not offering anything that warrant attention.

So yeah, pace is especially important. You want to ensure there is a gravity of the situation yet one that doesn't either bog you down or leave you completely unsatisfied.

General Manga writer discussions / Re: Writer Discussion Table
« on: May 21, 2018, 06:30:33 PM »
Been kinda obsessed with figuring out how to write a well paced fight scene lately. I reread a little of my past attempts and absolutely hated what I wrote. I know I can do better.

Anybody know any good books or light novels I can use as a reference? Should I watch more shonen anime and take inspiration from that? Is it even possible to translate a shonen fight onto paper and have it read well enough so that it makes sense to the reader?

Well, I can't exactly give a good example but I get what you mean.

But I think all fighting sequences in fiction does come from paper before being placed in practice, so as long as it reaches some sort of personal satisfaction, you might be okay and not worry how others see it.

But yeah, this is gonna be tricky. I once wrote a small piece in which my main character teams up with the long dead founder of his hometown, Blackbeard, Ian Fleming, and Yi Sun-sin in fighting off hordes of undead pirates to save his girlfriend’s soul.

...It was quite the experiment.

Discussions / Re: The Kaimon Tales-Discussion Thread.
« on: May 18, 2018, 01:32:16 PM »
If possible, feedback is much appreciated for the chapters thus far.

Thank you. :)

Develop Your Story / Re: The Kaimon Tales: WIP chapters
« on: May 15, 2018, 12:20:38 PM »
Chapter 2: Up Our Dating Game?!

We begin a fine sunny afternoon at downtown Kaimon, as Maxtaro and Kyoko are out gathering supplies!

“Seriously, what kind of idiot doesn't bring nails to fix a dojo?!” Kyoko said, barely containing her annoyance. “Because of that, we had to go to the hardware store! What kind of son of a carpenter are you?! Jeez!”

Maxtaro couldn't help but cringe throughout her rant. “Kyoko, I said I had a plan. He mutters. “We had plenty of duct tape back at the dojo-” He stops, noticing the shimmering aura of misery coming from Kyoko. “Oh, right...You said no duct tape.”

“Right, and don't half ass it!” Kyoko said sharply, turning her head away in a pout. “I really want you to try, is that too much to ask?” They then head close by Saito’s Ramen Shop, where Maxtaro took a pause.

“Hmmm say, want to stop by here for lunch?” Maxtaro ask.

Kyoko gave a surprised expression. “Why now? We do need to head back you know.”

“Ah, come on.” He said with a smile. “It'll be my treat. After all, you do deserve something nice for helping me fix the dojo...Even though thanks to some crazy agreement from our dads, I'm not getting paid for it.”

“Hey, don't push it.” Kyoko replies. “Get to the point here.”

“Well, yeah. I gotta show my gratitude after all.” Maxtaro said with a chuckle. “After all, I bet you're starving like me!”

Kyoko scoffs. “Yeah right, as if I'm hungry like that-” A long low growl is heard as if on cue. “...You said you'll pay right?” She said quietly.

Maxtaro then nods. “Totally.” They soon head towards the entrance. “Yeah, I won't tell anyone bout that.”

“T-Thanks.” Kyoko said sheepishly.

Some time later.

“Ah yeah, this is good!” Kyoko said quite cheerfully, in much better spirits. “Thanks for the food!”

Maxtaro chuckles. “Knew you were cranky from hunger.”

“Right...But you're still not using duct tape on my dojo.”She said, never breaking her joyful stride. “Not on my watch!”

“Right, of course.” Maxtaro mutters with a sigh. “You're more like my boss when it comes to that…” He then raises a brow. “Huh, I guess this became like a date or something?”

Kyoko pauses at that statement. “Say wha? Really?” She then places a hand on her chin in pondering. “I guess it is now that you mention it.”

“But it feels like this isn't the first time…” Maxtaro said, feeling confused. “Why is that?”

“That’s because you guys keep coming here for improvised dates!” Gen said with a grin as he prepares to head off making his daily ramen deliveries.

“...We do?” Maxtaro and Kyoko ask in surprise.

“Right.” Owner and cook Terry Saito said with a laugh. “You both always come here whenever she's mad at ya every once a week, Maxtaro! Is it not having screws at her place again?”

“N-Nails this time.” Maxtaro said with growing shock. “Wait, this happens weekly?!”

“Well...Yeah.” Gen admits. “I mean Kyoko's wearing the same casual clothes and all! Heck, she always usually denies being hungry before coming in too! It's like watching a video on repeat!”

“S-Shut up, Gen!” Kyoko cried out. “Don't you have a mountain to scale delivering ramen so you can leave us alone?!”

“Two actually!” Gen said cheerfully as he heads off to a sprint. “Be back till dark, dad!”

“Hey it ain't too bad, you two.” Terry said with a grin. “The same dating routine doesn't hurt...Till it gets boring…” He then frowns as he notice the dismayed faces Maxtaro and Kyoko gave. “Ohhhhh...How about a freebie soda on the go?”

Much later, at the Hino dojo. All is too quiet,as Maxtaro hammers in more boards to cover the holes on the walls and Kyoko sits on the steps sipping a can of soda in silence. Both...Are seriously bummed out at this recent revelation.

“....Agh!!” Kyoko cries out in frustration. “I can't get that out of my head now, Maxtaro! That's how we've been dating lately?!”

“I know!” Maxtaro said in agreement, irritated enough to pound his hammer right through the wood, making a bigger hole before he bows before her in shame. “I'm sorry for being such a lousy boring boyfriend!!”

“No, I'm sorry for being a static girlfriend!!” Kyoko said with both face palming at such incompetence in their dating routine. “We have to fix this.”

“Hell yes!” Maxtaro shouts. “Alright, next week, an actual date! None of that routine crap! This dojo can wait!”

“Right!” Kyoko then bit her lip. “Also, no double dates with Nagase and Baku! Just us!” The two could only recall that those moments...Had more Baku and Nagase moments than it was of them, to their dismay. “Like real effort from us!”

“Yeah! Just us!” Maxtaro notes as they both stood tall, revitalize from their slump. “Man, I'm feeling quite good now!”

“Me too!” Kyoko said feeling the energy. “So where to next week?!”

“No clue!” He replies quickly.

Miyu arrives home just in time to see Maxtaro and Kyoko back in their aura of gloom.

“D-Did something happen here?” Miyu ask in confusion.

A week later, Hino residence.

“Whew! That was a nice morning workout!” Kyoko exclaims with a relieved sigh as she enters her house, wearing a sweat laden t-shirt and jogging shorts. She then collapse onto the couch upon entering the living room.

“Ah, Kyoko, you're covered in sweat!” Her mother Keiko said with concern. “Do take it easy today.”

“I got plans today, mom.” Kyoko said before chuckling nervously. “Not exactly sure what though.” Her cell phone then rings to her surprise. “Whose calling this early?” She asks before answering, not checking her phone. “Hello?”

“Hey Kyoko.” Maxtaro’s voice on the receiver said. “Can I stop by your place?”

“N-Now?” Kyoko ask confusingly. She takes a quick look at the clock nearby. “Y-Yeah, sure.”

“Cool.” He said quickly. “See you soon.” He then hangs up before Kyoko could reply.

“Jeez, that was rather curt.” Kyoko said, feeling rather annoyed as she lies on the sofa. “Still, at least he's putting effort-” Then her doorbell buzzes several times in rapid fire succession to her amazement. “Whoa! That was fast!” She exclaims sitting up in a huff before walking to the door, growing more irritated as the doorbell continues to ring. “H-Hold on a second!” She said with a cross vein exposed before opening the door. “Uh?!”

And standing at the door is Maxtaro, wearing a rather hastily done outfit composed of a dark suit jacket, a lightly colored t-shirt with a tuxedo print, and dark jeans. He looks to be quite haggard and exhausted to Kyoko’s shock.”...Hey.” He said followed by pants and coughs.

“Oh my god, did you ran all the way to here?!” Kyoko cried out in concern. “And you seriously went all out!”

“Funny story really.” Maxtaro replies as he begins a recollection of earlier today. “I was actually decked up with dress shirt, slacks, the whole she-bang.” He then frowns. “Then my Dad got an emergency fix up and need me to help…And I didn't have time to change.” Remember folks, being the son of a carpenter isn't exactly glamorous, though it builds character!

“Ohhhh…” Kyoko said. “That can't be good wearing clothes like that.” She then gasps. “Wait a second, I'm not ready at all!”

Maxtaro gave a blank stare. “Really?” He said, completely clueless. “I thought you are-”

She then gave a sudden low kick at Maxtaro’s shin, growling in annoyance. “What kind of girl wears something like this on a date?!” She then lifts her arm and takes a whiff at herself only to groan. “Hang on, I'm going to take a shower and get ready! Wait here!” She said as she rushes upstairs, ignoring Maxtaro clutching his shin in pain.

“Yeah...No problem!” He groans out weakly!

Kyoko made a mad rush to clean herself up, taking a quick yet very thorough shower, as she quickly enters her room, covering herself up with a towel. “Alright, gotta find an outfit to wear!” She said to herself as she opens her closet, eyes scanning for anything that looks far more appealing than her usual get up. “Dammit, why don't I have anything really cute or sexy here?”

Downstairs, Maxtaro sits nervously on the couch in the living room, sitting close to the whole Hino family.

“So, you're taking Kyoko out on a date, but you guys have no real idea where to go?” Miyu ask with an eyebrow raised. “Isn't that kind of weird?”

“Ho boy, Miyu.” Maxtaro said dryly. “Simply preachin to the choir here.”

“Well, I say that isn't exactly a bad thing!” Keiko said with a smile. “Keep a chipper mood and you get far, I say! Right, Yuu?”

“Yeah.” Yuu said, nervously chuckling to himself. “I mean you're both seventeen and reasonable kids.” He closes his eyes, visualizing the date in his head. “Yeah, Nothing to worry about. Just you two having a neat-Wait...Why are you two staying out so late-Wait, are you at a hotel-What the-She's too young-Gahh!!”

“Whoa, dad!” Miyu cried out as she and Keiko shook Yuu back to reality. “Let's not go full dad mode here!!”

“Oh jeez!” Yuu gasps out as he leaves his...Weird fantasy. “Yeah, sorry bout that.” He gives a small bow to Maxtaro. “I may have gone a little overboard on you in my thoughts, sorry.”

“W-What the heck did you do to me in your fantasy?” Maxtaro mutters in shock. The door then opens as Kyoko pops her head out.

“Sorry for the wait!” She said before entering the room. Her choice of wear is quite different compared to her usual attires. A white three quarter sleeved collared blouse patterned with black tiger like stripes, a short black pleated skirt, and dark colored thigh high stockings. Her hair tied to a high ponytail, the red ribbon in a neat bow than her usual tight wrap. “W-What?” She ask as everyone gave a rather baffling look.

“...Is that really you, Kyoko?” Maxtaro ask.

“It's like night and day.” Miyu mutters to herself.

“That’s our daughter?” Her parents said with genuine surprise.

Kyoko only gave an flat expression. “Please stop that, it's embarrassing.” She turns to Maxtaro as they both head out the door. “Alright, let's do this!”

“Oh yeah, totally!” Maxtaro replies as the two march out to the hallway on the way to the entrance.

Yuu gave a pause. “...If you two do end up in a hotel-”
“Gah!!” The two said, turning to show baffled expressions as they nearly trip from the shock of what Yuu was about to say. “It's not like that!!”

Not long after, deep into town.

“You really gotta tell your dad to loosen up.” Maxtaro said, noticing Kyoko giving a frown.

“Trust me, I tried.” She replies. “He's just stubborn.” She then suddenly stumbles, giving Maxtaro pause. “What?”

Maxtaro raise an eyebrow. “...You seriously can't walk in high heels?” He said, looking at the high heel shoes she decided to wear for the day.

Kyoko quickly grew fluster at the statement. “I-I haven't worn these for a long time, so cut me some slack!” She snaps. “It'll come back to me!”

“Wait, you wear boots with heels, like all the time.” Maxtaro said, feeling confused “Like, I seen you run, jump, kick, and do all sorts of crazy stuff in heeled boots! Suddenly this gives ya trouble?!”

“Because those heels work than these ones!” She flusterly retorts before marching ahead. “Now shut up already so we can-” She then trips and lands face first on the floor, to Maxtaro’s horror. She raises a hand. “...Hold my hand for a while...I'm begging you.”

“R-Right.” Maxtaro said nervously as he brought her back on her feet. The two then walked hand in hand, feeling rather embarrassed at the sight they gave to the townspeople as they walked slowly. However, a certain pair watches from afar in a large bush!

“I thought this would be fun...But this is boring.” Nagase said as she peeks her head out of the bush to watch.

“You said it.” Baku replies with a frown. “But I ain't spending my Sunday sitting at home.” He then gives a small smile. “Still, so this is what they're up to...Frankly, that explains what the hell was going on all week.

Days ago, in school.

“Hey Maxtaro, got plans this weekend?” Baku ask as the two walked down the hallway. All he got was a grin from Maxtaro for no reason. “...The hell are you doing?”

Elsewhere, in class, Nagase grew confused as Kyoko gave a nervous laugh after asking a similar question “Uh, so you do have plans then?” She asked. “...Is a secret or something...Like looking for aliens?” Her eyes grew wide upon saying this. “It is, isn't it?!”

“No.” Kyoko said bluntly as her expression changes to annoyance. “It's not, so please stop giving me that thumbs up.”

As the week progresses in school, not a single word was blabbed regarding weekend plans...Causing some reactions.

“Maxtaro, just give me a yes or no if you’re free-No!” Baku shouts as the two had lunch at the school roof, growing annoyed as Maxtaro gave a weak chuckle. “Stop giving me smiles and chuckles, you ass! Seriously, why are you doing that when we talk about-Stop that!”

In class, Nagase continues to prod at Kyoko, the latter munching on a rice cracker. “Come on, tell me about the weekend...It's totally looking for aliens, right?” She asked, only to frown as Kyoko simply gave her a blunt expression, her chewing grinding to a snail's pace. “A simple yes or no, please.” She pointed out with eyes narrowed.

Cut to the last day of school for the week, a day before the present…

“Gahhhh!!!” Baku screams out in frustration as he puts Maxtaro in a headlock in the middle of class to everyone's shock. “Talk, you scarfaced moron!!”

“Ow! Quit it, ya dumbass!!” Maxtaro cried out in shock.
“So now you're talking about this weekend?! Too late for that!!” Baku roars. Nagase however, ignores the ruckus as she whispers to Kyoko.

“Look, if I buy you juice and rice crackers, would you tell me what you're doing tomorrow-”

“Nagase, I told you to cut that out!” Kyoko snapped quietly as she looked as various classmates attempt to pull Baku off of Maxtaro. “I'm not looking for aliens tomorrow!”

“Liar!!” Nagase shouts. “You so are!!”

Back to the present…
“Wait, I did get in trouble because that idiot didn't tell me anything all week!” Baku said with a growl. “They better do something!”
“...I was really hoping for a UFO sighting…” Nagase mutters. “You know, I think this is kind of nice, seeing them like this.”
“Yeah...It kinda makes you realize they don't do much in those double dates we planned out.” Baku said bluntly. The two couldn't help but imagine back to those moments...Where Maxtaro and Kyoko acted more like background characters.

-More to come!-

Develop Your Story / The Kaimon Tales: WIP chapters
« on: May 15, 2018, 11:58:23 AM »
Just felt that I'll need feedback on upcoming tales.

Here's chapter 2...coming in soon!

Manga Creations / Re: The Kaimon Tales!
« on: May 06, 2018, 04:42:54 PM »
Omake Chapter! Enjoy!

Story #1 Omake: End Day!

End Day: Maxtaro.

Late afternoon, Onimada household and family medical clinic.

"I'm home!" Maxtaro shouts out as he enters the house. His mother quickly then approaches him near the front as he takes off his shoes.

"Good, now you know the drill." Miki said, quick to the point. "I finally listed down all the necessary junk in my old phone. So give me my actual phone, Maxtaro. Deals a deal." She then notices Maxtaro looking away nervously. "...What did you do?"

Maxtaro only grimace at her quick intuition. "Busted by mom." He mutters quietly before giving a loud sigh. "Okay mom, funny story happened this morning and...Yeah, long story short…" He finally pulls out Miki's new phone, marked heavily with scuff marks. A long silence arose as Miki gawks at the sight, glasses nearly slipping out. "Mom, I'm sorry. I really should have-" He is cut off as Miki reaches out and pats him on the head.

"No, I admit I'm kind of mad...But you confessed...That's good enough for me, Maxtaro." Miki said rather softly. "Unlike your brother."

Maxtaro only beams up in confidence. "So am I off the hook then-"

"Heck no!" Miki said sharply, quickly changing her tune. "I said I'm mad! Don't think I'm like your father!" She then swipes the phone from Maxtaro's hand and walks away. "Just be glad I'm grounding you for the next few days, no phone or TV while I'm here!" She then walks off in a huff, leaving Maxtaro in stunned silence.

"...I knew I should add duct tape before showing it to her…" Maxtaro said with a pondering expression.

Cause duct tape solves most of everything!

End Day: Kyoko.

Late afternoon, at the Hino dojo.

"Well, I got to admit I'm impressed." Yuu said with genuine surprise over the few badly makeshift applications Kyoko handed to him. "You actually got some people to take lessons here."

Kyoko only gave a nervous chuckle. "Yeah, it took some begging to get those filled out." What she didn't tell her father is that by some...She meant a lot. "N-Not that I was desperate!"

Yuu gave a relieved sigh. "You did good, Kyoko. After all, none of the people you did pick seem to have a bad record-"

"Wait!" A voice cried out, a voice familiar enough to make Kyoko twitch in sudden irritation. "I've come to make a case!"

"Oh god." Kyoko mutters as she sees Mohawk Jim, now lacking any hair on his head, approach inside. "Wait, what happened to his-" She is cut off as the larger man suddenly bows in such a groveling manner.

"...Kyoko, is he on the forms we didn't take?" Yuu ask in confusion.

"Look, I know I am a man who has made one too many mistakes." The thug said in a rather calming tone. "I lost everything. My gang, my respect, hair. But it taught me a lesson, that being a foolish punk with no respect towards others is a wrong path! So I, Bald Jim, would ask for you to take me-"

"Dad, he tried to take me hostage this morning." Kyoko said rather bluntly.

"Yeah, no." Yuu said with a nonchalant wave for Bald Jim to leave. "Just leave."

"Oh come on!" Bald Jim said in shock.

It took a few days before Bald Jim left the Hino residence alone...Sad.

End Day: Baku

Late afternoon, Mori Household and metalworks.

"Oh, Baku's home already." Kana said surprisingly as she notice his shoes by the doorway. She then frowns. "He's going to take his shirt off again, right?" She sighs as she enters the house. "Dad said the AC is fixed so there's no excuse this time-Wha?!" She gasps as she sees Baku, wearing a shirt at home, watching TV.

"Oh hey Kana, how's school?" Baku ask before flipping the channel.

"I should ask why you're still wearing a shirt!" Kana said shockingly. "What about that thing you're doing with Nagase?" She notice Baku giving a frown.

"Yeah, bout that…" Baku then couldn't help but put a palm over his face in shame. "Thanks to my phone being broken, I lost…"

"...Are you actually crying?!" Kana exclaims.

"She has 30 selfies by now! How can I beat that?!" Baku cried out.

He bought Nagase lunch for a week since.

End Day: Nagase

Late afternoon, Omiko household.

"Nagase, you can't just flip cars like that!" Nagase's mother, Anko, said sternly. "You know your father and I raise you to do better!"

"I know, I'm sorry." Nagase said with a bow of shame. "Won't happen again...I hope."

"You better hope." Anko said, sighing until Renji and Akira enters the room.

"Hey, what's going on?" Renji ask with a smile.

"Bet Nagase did something dumb again." Akira bluntly said while returning a glare that Nagase gave him for that remark.

"Renji, our daughter flipped a few cars over!" Anko said in exasperation. "Say something to her."

Renji instead...Then grows terribly excited. "Oh my god! You flipped a car Nagase?!" He quickly takes a seat at the table. "How large was it? I knew you can be as strong as your old man!"

"Uhhh, mom, am I supposed to be scolded here?" Nagase ask her mother in confusion as her father continues to sprout more praise, much to Anko's only shrugging in bafflement. She then notices Akira giving a thumbs up. "Whoa, even Akira's impressed?! Whhhaaaa?!"

It took a good hour before Nagase gets a proper punishment.

End Omake Chapter! See ya next story!

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