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Messages - NavyPup

Pages: [1] 2
1
Develop Your Story / Re: The Takeshi Trials
« on: March 20, 2016, 09:25:15 PM »
So I have a few  ideas to make this guy and his story a lot more interesting. It's been a while since I've logged on but I'm determined to give Takeshi a story worthy of him!

2
Develop Your Story / Re: Idea
« on: August 02, 2015, 04:18:05 AM »
I finished Chapter 1 here it is hope it helps lighten up it's first half.

Spoiler
Takeshi scratched his head curiously  looking at his outfit.

Takeshi: "Oh."

Takeshi scratches his face already bored as the grand elder stared at him amused.

Takeshi: "So did you need something Pops?"

One of Takeshi's ancestors bolt up furiously starting to reprimand before he is interrupted by the grand elder.

???: "How dare you refer to-"

GE (Grand Elder): "Well first and foremost allow me to be the first to wish you happy birthday!"

Takeshi looked away stubbornly before answering.

Takeshi: "Oh, was that today?" I was hoping to get through the day without being reminded that.

GE: "Indeed it is! And it's time for your coronation my dear naked friend."

GE walks to Takeshi as Takeshi backs away holding his hands up in a wait a minute gesture.

Takeshi: "Coronation? Wait a second bud you got the wrong guy! I'm not interested in any coronations for any type of position. That is obviously serious responsibility and I am a totally unserious fellow!"

Takeshi turns away starting to walk briskly away from the council.

Takeshi: "Well it was nice to meet you guy's but you should look for someone with more ambition! It was real-"

GE would reappear in front of him blocking his escape.

GE: "I'm afraid you don't have a choice in the matter. You see I am a selfish man and I absolutely refuse to choose anyone else as my head! But if you prefer an alternative you can die instead and be forced to work as a spirit for all your afterlife....."

Takeshi: Stubborn old man! "Fine then but if I do this you promise to leave my afterlife alone and work free. I mean if you can't rest when you're dead what's the point." *sigh*

GE: "Great! Glad you could see it my way! So first how about I explain your lack of clothes?"

GE who turned around saying that turned back to see Takeshi half asleep and clapped his hands impatiently.

GE: "Come chap you'll have time for naps later....maybe..."

Takeshi (sleepily): *yawn* "Go ahead Pops I'm listening...."

Takeshi walks back toward the council as the old man explained.

GE: "Then let's knock out two birds with one stone. Your lack of clothes i also the reason this is coming so late."

GE: "You see when an Heir Is chosen to be the next Takeshi Family head they appear before the council for three reasons. First is to be recognized and appraised by the council. The way this is done is they are clothed in their accomplishments and talents. "

The two arrived back towards the council as GA continues to explain.

GE: "Before you every other heir has had at least three articles of clothing at the least when they stood before us. As for you you have been so lazy, unmotivated, and troubled the only thing you have is that thin drape which represents your laziness."

Takeshi could hear the annoyed murmurs of the ancestors and got that tic-tac-toe markk on his head annoyed.

GE: "In light of this your father managed to convince us too postpone this twice..."

Takeshi's eye's shot to his father who still refused to look at him and he couldn't help but blurt out....

Takeshi: "HE DID?"

Continuing as if there was no interruption GA sat back down as he continued.

GE: "But the council refused to wait again for you, so now you stand here having accomplished nothing still and having remarkably many natural born talent but having put no effort or ambition into any of them let alone attempting to master them. Thus you stand before us naked of your accomplishments."

Takeshi: "You're really milking the naked thing aren't ya?"

Takeshi crosses his arms behind his back still barely paying attention.

GE: "You must admit....It's funny as He-"

T. T. Toron turned swiftly interrupting GE with a reprimanding....

T. Toron: "Grand Elder!"

Pops (GE, just because): "Oh lighten up you old relic!"

Takeshi: Aren't you older than him?

Pops: "Anyway moving on now..."

Pops sits up and gestures around the room.

Pops: "The normal procedure is when the Heir stands before us is they are judged by the council whether or not they qualify for the position and their clothes play a big part in that judgement....However lack of clothes doesn't necessarily mean being rejected."

Takeshi would be counting his fingers as he said the next line.

Takeshi: "I'm following you so far Pops."

 T. Toron: "You're clearly not!"

Pops: "....."

Pops: "After being approved...."

 T. Toron jumped up glaring down at Pops.

 T. Toron: "You're not going to explain!

Pops: "...An heir must then..."

 T. Toron face plants and Takeshi snickers.

Pops: "... go before each of the council members learn their names and position and receive a blessing from them, then they stand before me!"

Pops: "First I give them my blessing, then I unlock their natural Gift. This is a special gift that resonates in the heir stronger than any other. This gift is locked at birth until  unlock it because of the powerful affect it has on an heirs Kurido abilities. Otherwise that heir would be so overwhelmed by power they'd end up dead!"

Takeshi who until now hadn't taken much of this seriously sobered instantly at the mention of too much power and death. He held his head with a frown.

Narration: Hearing about death and power still makes me nostalgic. That's when I decided I'd pay better attention if only to keep my memories at bay.

Pops: "You okay, you look like you've seen a ghost."

Takeshi felt his fathers eyes burn into him and this time he was the one to look away. He clenched his fist as he answered the Grand Elder.

Takeshi: "I'm fine, anyway you were saying about being approved."

Pops gave Takeshi a look before moving on.

Pops: "Well let's not hold you too long. Well council members what do you have to say?"

(Each elder would be shown as they cast their vote)

 T. Toron: "I'm sorry Elderest but there is nothing redemable about him. I vote no.

???: "You were given an extra two years and you come here nearly naked. Sorry No."

???: "I don't think this is something you should jump into halfheartedly. Sorry Love No"

???: "This is why men are unfit leaders! I've said it a thousand times! If there was more than two females on this council we'd have no one in our family line like this flake! Absolutely Not!"

???: "No need for harsh words lass calm yourself. I'll have to say no forgive me."

???" "No."

Takeshi's Dad: "......"

Everyone turns to Takeshi's Dad.

Pops: "Takeshi Armstrong....Your vote?"

T's Dad: " You've brought great shame to this family.....I would never even consider giving you my vote."

Takeshi would hang his head his features darkening. He could clearly sense  the venom in his father's words even without the cold glare his father had given him.

T. Toron stood in a way that made it clear Takeshi was about to be dismissed.

T. Toron: "Well there you have it! I'm sorry young man I guess it's time-"

Pops stood suddenly striding toward Takeshi with purpose.

Pops: "Not so fast T. Toron! I've yet to cast my vote."

T. Toron looked toward Pops in surprise.

T. Toron: "But Grand Elder you don't vote? Unless-"

Pops put an arm around Takeshi's neck and shouted his reply merrily.

"That's right! I like this guy! I'd have no one but him as my next heir! As such I exerocise my right as Grand Elder to overturn the entire council's choice. Consider this heir approved! Congratulations Takeshi!"

Pops tussled Takeshi's hair as Takeshi shot his gaze up to him in astonishment and T. Toron stood there looking dumbfounded.

Narration: After that an all out debate broke out for 5 seconds before Pops crushed it. All the other Elders refused to give me a blessing and refused to acknowledge me as an heir.
 
Pops: "ENOUGH! WHO IS GRAND ELDER HERE!"

Pops looked each of the elders in the eye shaming them all with just a look.

Pops: "It is obvious he will earn his place! And this is how he will do it. I will given him the ability to use Seven talents to the fullest extent. At least three of these talents have to be talents he already has himself."

Pops looked to Takeshi as he explained ensuring he understood what he had to do.

Pops: "With these seven talent he has to make enough accomplishment of great value that he would honor the family name and give him the due credit he needs to be acknowledged! He will also master each and everyone of these seven talents and finally he must make one huge accomplishment to further the Business itself."

 T. Toron: "It sounds fair. I can live with that."

???: "Right that'll be enough for me."

???: "Hold on a second he'll need a consequence too!"

???: "True that might help him keep things in perspective."

Pops: "And what type of consequence would you have?"

There would be silence as the entire room pondered this. Takeshi's father was the one to answer.

T. Armstrong: "Only one thing is fitting for one who brings such disgrace. Death, and not a painless one."

The whole room grew silent again but no one disagreed with the punishment.

Narration: Oh....

Pops(annoyed): "Very well. Takeshi Shiitake you will prove to this council you are capable of accomplishments and talent befitting a Takeshi Family Head as well as contribute one major accomplishment benefiting the family and it's interest by your high school graduation or else you will be sentenced to a painful death and an eternity of hard service in the afterlife affording no rest. Do you understand my boy?"

Takeshi (resigned): "I understand, so be it."

Pops: "Right as tradition stand I will also unlock your natural gift so it may aid you in the time to come but you will receive no blessings from myself or the other elders until you have proven yourself to us."

Pops put a hand onto Takeshi's head as he continued only moving it after he'd asked the following question.

Pops: "But before that please tell me what Seven Talents you will choose?"

Takeshi thought for a second before replying.

Takeshi: "Technology Expert, Martial Artist, Chef, Strategist, Extreme Strength, Humorous, and Empathetic."

Toron raised a hand after Takeshi had finished the list to get his attention.
 
Toron: "And which of those three do you already have?"

Takeshi sighed and replied.

Takeshi: "Actually four of those are mine."

???: "And those four are?"

Takeshi: "Chef, Extreme Strength, Strategist, and *embarrassed cough* Empathetic."

Pops: "Empathetic? Is that what that incident with the delinquent was about?"

Takeshi (mumbles): "That wouldn't have happened if he hadn't pushed me. I was just being curious."

Takeshi kicked at a nonexistent spec of dirt hunching his shoulders to hide the crimson blush. Then there was a flash of light behind him and a prickling sensation on his back. Pops snapped his fingers and a mirror appeared behind Takeshi.

Pops: "Have a look, these are your chosen talents."

Takeshi looked into the mirror to see a Vine Tattoo spiraling his back and a flower with a symbol of a talent in each of the Flowers and at the bottom of the vine was a big rose with a blank space where something else was obviously meant to be.

Takeshi: "What's with the rose?"

Pops poked the blank flower as he replied.

Pops: "That is where your Natural gift will be revealed....As so! Oh...Oh my!"

As Pops tapped the Tattoo a image of a spell book with a wand beside it appeared.

Takeshi: "What's wrong? Was that not supposed to happen?"

Pops walked back to his seat as he answered, and as Takeshi turned to hear he he could see various looks of astonishment on the face of the entire council even his father raised a grudging eyebrow.

Pops: "It's not that dear boy. It's just that no one ha had the natural gift of magic other than myself. Magic is a very powerful ability that most Kurido users can only dream of. Being able to use magic is a rare occurence in this family but other than me having a natural gift for it is unheard of."

Takeshi scratched his head still a bit confused.

Takeshi: "Is that good...Or....."

Pops only answer was a laugh and the reply...

Pops: "This shall prove an interesting two years indeed."

Then he snapped his fingers with a loud SNAP and everything went black again.

Takeshi would appear back in the storage room seemingly just waking with a little drool running the side of his face.

Narration: I woke back in the storage closet believing it had all been just a dream but decided to go to the bathroom to make sure.

Takeshi appears to be standing in front of a bathroom mirror with his body turned, his shirt pulled onto his arms, and an image of his still tattooed back in the mirror.

Narration: It wasn't. Oh it so wasn't a dream.

Takeshi would face the mirror his shirt replaced back onto his body and his face has a hint of panic.

Takeshi: "W-what, WHAT....

(A image of the entire school would appear with  speech bubble of Takeshi yelling above it and crows scattering in te sky above it.)

Takeshi: "WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!"

Narration: That was my reaction then.

Narration: Present Time back in the Classroom.

Takeshi: I want to go home already!

Narration: Yet it's been three day's and I've been unable to work up the motivation to do anything past occasionally wondering should I start trying to do something yet.

Narration: Yep. I'm definitely going to die.

The bell rings and Takeshi rises and leaves the classroom trudging through the hall sluggishly.

Takeshi: I wonder is there a way to hide from vengeful ancestors.....not that I'd even bother trying. But do I really wont to spend eternity.....w-w-working *shivers*

Takeshi leaned against the lockers as the halls began to clear.

Takeshi: There has to be a way to overcome this!

Suddenly Takeshi spotted Gai walking towards the entrance from across the hall. With a sparkle in his eye Takeshi rushed the unsuspecting student before he could even sniff him off this time and hauled him off to the Tech Lab locking the door and turning to the kidnapped Kendo Captain with what looked to be a malicious grin.

Takeshi: "Just the bloke I was looking for..."


To Be Continued on Chapter 2.....

3
Develop Your Story / Re: Idea
« on: August 01, 2015, 11:40:42 PM »
I just edited it I think this one is better and I'm working on chapter 2 tomorrow today I had to take care of my siblings.


Spoiler
First Panel opens to a single student in his desk staring out of the window at the fiery orange afternoon sky with a seemingly Pensive look on his face.

Narration: My name is Takeshi Shiitake. High School Junior Second Seat, Class A.

Takeshi turns back toward the teacher still not really paying attention.

Narration: And by my Graduation from High School I'm destined to die.

Narration: 3 Day's Earlier walking through the School Halls

Narration: It started out like any other day. Nothing much going on.

Takeshi hunched his shoulders as he heard the murmurs and whispers floating around.

Narration: It was the usual gossip obsessed idiots trying to figure out my "story" is all.

Voice 1: "I heard he's never spoken a word out loud!"

Voice 2: "I heard he made a kid run crying just by looking at him."

Voice 3: "I heard he could lift a truck with his bare hands!"

Voice 1: "I heard that if you look him in the eye he'll steal your soul!"

Takeshi turns to where most of the murmurs were coming from with a frown and the hall immediately quieted.

Takeshi: Those idiots must know I can hear them. They can't whisper right for their lives.

Narration: Then everything changed....Again....

Suddenly there was a crash. Turning to see the commotion Takeshi spotted a delinquent in a leather jacket with an arrogant sneer. He was holding the front of another students shirt in his fist, and the scrawny clearly weaker student shook in his grasp.

Takeshi: Not any of my business it'd be too much work to care about.

Takeshi starts to turn away and walk away.

Delinquent: "Hey mouse! You just bumped into me! I think you owe me an apology..."

Student: "B-but...I-I, I already s-said s-s-sorry!"

Takeshi: Well if I just go see what's going on it's not like I'll be doing any work.

Takeshi began to make his way toward the exchange. People gasped and cleared the way for him but the Delinquent remained oblivious as the student only freaked out more.

Delinquent: "That's not enough. I still feel insulted....I know! Why don't you kiss my boots as an apology"

The Delinquent would point to his black combat boots as Takeshi got closer with him still unaware.

Takeshi: *sighs*  That's taking it a bit fat huh? Wonder what his deal is?

Student: "P-Please.... -whimpers and shakes more-

Delinquent: "Begging won't.....Hey get your hands off me!"

Takeshi reaches the Delinquent and places a hand on his shoulder and having had his back to him the Delinquent shoves him before turning to the hulking frame of Takeshi looming over him. The Delinquent pales visibly.

Delinquent: "Oh...ummm  it's you...uh...buddy -gulps- He he he"

Narration: Forgeting I came only to satisfy my curiosity I lost my temper.......I hate being hit....

Delinquent edges away while the student takes the chance and runs off.

Delinquent: "I hadn't seen you there you know and-"

Narration: Admitably it was a stupid thing for me to do.

Takeshi brings his fist down on top of the Delinquents head once with a hard THUMP and the Delinquent immediately falls unconscious.

For a second there was complete silence and then everyone screamed and yelled like idiots rushing to different classes and hiding spaces.

Narration: *sigh* I just never Learn do I . This is the seventh time. I've already been kicked from three Schools because of this.

Takeshi: Oh boy it happened again...

Then a student almost as tall as Takeshi but not as big wearing a Kendo Kimono with a Student Council Badge on it appears looking around practically sniffing Takeshi out.

Frantically looking for his own hiding space Takeshi runs in the opposite direction of the Kimono wearing guy and hides in a storage closet not already occupied by another student hiding from him.

Narration: That guy tin the Kimono..... He's the Kendo Club Captain and Student Council President.

Narration: His name is Gai Shogo. Guy is an honor code valiant type that thinks he can save stray delinquents....namely myself.

Takeshi sighs rubbing his hands together and shivering a bit having realized it was cold in the storage closet.

Narration: Like everyone else at this school he heard about all my track record. Probably not anything to clear since personal records were off limits to students, but....You never know....

Takeshi: *sighs* "Isn't this just great! *cough* It's been a while since I heard myself speak."

Takeshi stands and puts a hand onto the wall hanging his head continuing to talk to himself.

Takeshi: "That's right for some reason people are intimidated by my voice."

Side Note (meaning a note on outside edge of panel): Has a Deep and seemingly threatening voice.
Takeshi turns against the wall then slumps down.

Takeshi: "Why does this always happen? How can I ever relax and be lazy if I'm continuously moving and dealing with idiots coming back for "revenge" Ahhh!"

Takeshi looks to the side Tsking at himself

Takeshi: "And now that Council boy will never let me be! Just my luck!"

Takeshi crosses his arms over his knees.

Takeshi: "I really need to stop being doing that...but that guy pushing me like that. Hmph. If he'd just run away like the others.....Do I have anger management issues?"

Takeshi closes his eyes. Suddenly there's a flash of bright light and when he opens his eye's he's no longer in the storage closet. Instead he's in a wide open space that looked like the stereotype for Heaven with nothing but blue space and clouds. That is, Until he heard a voice clear it's throat impatiently and he turned around.

Takeshi: "Well this isn't strange at all."

Before Takeshi was a gathering of thrones in a U shape with a recliner in the middle. In these chairs sat a bunch of different copies of him only in different sizes, shapes and all wearing different things. After counting there were Eight of them counting the man in the recliner too. Speaking of which the man in the recliner obviously seemed to be in charge. It was obvious even to Takeshi everyone else there looked at him in almost reverence. The Man looked almost just like his father. A bigger and far as muscle build more refined version of himself as well as more matured looking. However the person to speak was the man beside him. A slimmer but still impressively muscled Takeshi with a Mustache beard, slicked back hair, and a very old school military outfit, although from what Era and what Origin it was hard to place. His throne was all cameo with five gold stars across the front.


Narration: Then this happened. Go Figure.

????: "My name is Takeshi Toron. And this is the Elder Council. We are your most accomplished and powerful ancestors who were deemed worthy to become elders. You come from a long line of Mercenaries with special powers called Kurido."

Toron points to the man in the recliner.

Toron: "This is the grand elder Takeshi Iwata. He was the first head of the family."

Takeshi stood shocked as he looked to the person on the left-hand side of the grand elder

Takeshi: "Dad!?!"

The man looked away from him with a look of contempt.

Narration: He turned his head away! Why does he look at me with such shame?

Grand Elder: "Now that we've been introduced..."

The grand elder stood and bowed to him.

Grand Elder: "Takeshi Shiitake it's a pleasure to finally meet! Quite the odd one arriving two years late....and in quite a bold outfit!"

Takeshi: Bold?

Looking down at himself Takeshi only just realized he wore nothing besides a thin drape that just covered his modesty. He'd been standing naked in front of his ancestors and hadn't even realized it....

To Be Continued.....

4
Develop Your Story / Re: Idea
« on: August 01, 2015, 04:05:11 PM »
Quote
When he interfered with the delinquent, I didn't expect that at all from the original description of his character. I thought he'd be the type to stay out of trouble even when it's the right thing to do to interfere and help the student. This would reinforce the fact that he has literally done nothing with his life.

It's true he's a really lazy person but he's the type of lazy person that when it comes to work and most things that require effort but when he gets curious about stuff things like that happen. It's true he's usually to lazy to bother with a fight but he also has a temper and if you so much as nudge him he'll strike back. If the Delinquent hadn't shoved him he'd have just asked what was going on then walked away.

5
Develop Your Story / Re: Idea
« on: August 01, 2015, 03:55:22 PM »
Quote
Ok. (I haven't done a review in quite some time...)


In terms of the narration, it's not so bad. There are moments that go unanswered (By my graduation, I'm destined to die) I think, if I may suggest, removing this line, and saving it for later. Like when he actually discovers this, you can then add narration: Yup that's right, high school graduation... I'm destined to die.

When he was in the locker, I kind of got confused as to his positioning. I also didn't know if he was speaking to himself or speaking out loud.

Now, when he gets transported to that location... that's where things confused me.

Whereas before, you were giving voice 1, voice 2, etc. You gave the people names before having them introduce themselves. Example: Militia Takeshi: "My name is Takeshi Toron   -Perhaps finding a way to fix that up.

As it pertains to the introductions as a whole, I was lost, due to me not being familiar with the ranking system thing they were mentioning. That is also something I'd probably hold off on until later, for example, once Takeshi has learned all of it, he can stand before them and call out each of their histories one by one.

The ending of the chapter, while not a cliffhanger, is acceptable.

Overall, you didn't fully commit to giving the chapter a general base. You started with his being an outcast, mentioned the multiple schools, but didn't commit to showing us that reality (after the fight, the consequence)

You took us to this round table of ancestors, but didn't commit enough to it (meaning, the ending came too fast for where you introduced it)

In terms of your story (I don't read Synopsis') your opening was strong. MY advice would be to hold off on the ancestors for maybe a chapter or two, preferably holding off until you've introduced a true conflict that calls for the introduction of them. For now, show the struggle Takeshi goes through after the incident at the school. Maybe take us to his home life, where his parents (through dialogue) give more backstory to what has occurred in his past... build up the character enough so that when the ancestors come in, and the conflict comes in, there's enough meat on Tekashi.

You have a good opening, now build on it.




You're right about the name thing I'll fix that, the ancestors however, there's a reason they appear when they do. This was only the first half of the first chapter. As for the start it supposed to be a teaser to get readers interested in his past which will be revealed slowly in little pieces through the story. Also about explaining the elders you're right I'll just leave that out for now. His backstory is one of the most important things and it's equally as iportant not to dig into it just yet....


6
Develop Your Story / Re: Amnesia: Ronan's Tale (Tentative Title)
« on: August 01, 2015, 12:58:46 AM »
Like This?

Spoiler
First Panel opens to a single student in his desk staring out of the window at the fiery orange afternoon sky with a seemingly Pensive look on his face.

Narration: My name is Takeshi Shiitake. High School Junior Second Seat, Class A.

Takeshi turns back toward the teacher still not really paying attention.

Narration: And by my Graduation from High School I'm destined to die.

Narration: 3 Day's Earlier walking through the School Halls

Narration: It started out like any other day. Nothing much going on.

Takeshi hunched his shoulders as he heard the murmurs and whispers floating around.

Narration: It was the usual gossip obsessed idiots trying to figure out my "story" is all.

Voice 1: "I heard he's never spoken a word out loud!"

Voice 2: "I heard he made a kid run crying just by looking at him."

Voice 3: "I heard he could lift a truck with his bare hands!"

Voice 1: "I heard that if you look him in the eye he'll steal your soul!"

Takeshi turns to where most of the murmurs were coming from with a frown and the hall immediately quieted.

Takeshi: Those idiots must know I can hear them. They can't whisper right for their lives.

Narration: Then everything changed....Again....

Suddenly there was a crash. Turning to see the commotion Takeshi spotted a delinquent in a leather jacket with an arrogant sneer. He was holding the front of another students shirt in his fist, and the scrawny clearly weaker student shook in his grasp.

Delinquent: "Hey mouse! You just bumped into me! I think you owe me an apology..."

Student: "B-but...I-I, I already s-said s-s-sorry!"

Takeshi began to make his way toward the exchange. People gasped and cleared the way for him but the Delinquent remained oblivious as the student only freaked out more.

Delinquent: "That's not enough. I still feel insulted....I know! Why don't you kiss my boots as an apology"

The Delinquent would point to his black combat boots as Takeshi got closer with him still unaware.

Student: "P-Please.... -whimpers and shakes more-

Delinquent: "Begging won't.....Hey get your hands off me!"

Takeshi reaches the Delinquent and places a hand on his shoulder and having had his back to him the Delinquent shoves him before turning to the hulking frame of Takeshi looming over him. The Delinquent pales visibly.

Delinquent: "Oh...ummm  it's you...uh...buddy -gulps- He he he"

Delinquent edges away wile the student takes the chance and runs off.

Delinquent: "I hadn't seen you there you know and-"

Narration: Admitably it was a stupid thing for me to do.

Takeshi brings his fist down on top of the Delinquents head once with a hard THUMP and the Delinquent immediately falls unconscious.

For a second there was complete silence and then everyone screamed and yelled like idiots rushing to different classes and hiding spaces.

Narration: *sigh* I just never Learn do I . This is the seventh time. I've already been kicked from three Schools because of this.

Takeshi: Oh boy it happened again...

Then a student almost as tall as Takeshi but not as big wearing a Kendo Kimono with a Student Council Badge on it appears looking around practically sniffing Takeshi out.

Frantically looking for his own hiding space Takeshi runs in the opposite direction of the Kimono wearing guy and hides in a storage closet not already occupied by another student hiding from him.

Narration: That guy tin the Kimono..... He's the Kendo Club Captain and Student Council President.

Narration: His name is Gai Shogo. Guy is an honor code valiant type that thinks he can save stray delinquents....namely myself.

Takeshi sighs rubbing his hands together and shivering a bit having realized it was cold in the storage closet.

Narration: Like everyone else at this school he heard about all my track record. Probably not anything to clear since personal records were off limits to students, but....You never know....

Takeshi: *sighs* "Isn't this just great! *cough* It's been a while since I heard myself speak."

Takeshi stands and puts a hand onto the wall hanging his head.

Takeshi: "That's right for some reason people are intimidated by my voice."

Side Note (meaning a note on outside edge of panel): Has a Deep and seemingly threatening voice.
Takeshi turns against the wall then slumps down.

Takeshi: "Why does this always happen? How can I ever relax and be lazy if I'm continuously moving and dealing with idiots coming back for "revenge" Ahhh!"

Takeshi looks to the side Tsking at himself

Takeshi: "And now that Council boy will never let me be! Just my luck!"

Takeshi crosses his arms over his knees.

Takeshi: "I really need to stop being so curious...but that guy pushing me like that. Hmph. If he'd just run away like the others.....Do I have anger management issues?"

Takeshi closes his eyes. Suddenly there's a flash of bright light and when he opens his eye's he's no longer in the storage closet. Instead he's in a wide open space that looked like the stereotype for Heaven with nothing but blue space and clouds. That is, Until he heard a voice clear it's throat impatiently and he turned around.

Takeshi: "Well this isn't strange at all."

Before Takeshi was a gathering of thrones in a U shape with a recliner in the middle. In these chairs sat a bunch of different copies of him only in different sizes, shapes and all wearing different things. After counting there were Eight of them counting the man in the recliner too. Speaking of which the man in the recliner obviously seemed to be in charge. It was obvious even to Takeshi everyone else there looked at him in almost reverence. The Man looked almost just like his father. A bigger and far as muscle build more refined version of himself as well as more matured looking. However the person to speak was the man beside him. A slimmer but still impressively muscled Takeshi with a Mustache beard, slicked back hair, and a very old school military outfit, although from what Era and what Origin it was hard to place. His throne was all cameo with five gold stars across the front.


Narration: Then this happened. Go Figure.

Militia Takeshi: "My name is Takeshi Toron. And this is the Elder Council. We are your most accomplished and powerful ancestors who were deemed worthy to become elders. You come from a long line of Mercenaries with special powers called Kurido."

Toron points to the man in the recliner.

Toron: "This is the grand elder Takeshi Iwata. He was the first head of the family. I told you who I am and I was the 32nd Head of the family and the second seat of this council."

Toron points to the two beside him  to the right naming them as he goes then turns toward the left to the beginning of the U and does the same with them until everyone is named.

(This will take up a panel for each named)

Toron: "And this is Takeshi Soto, 2nd Family Head and third seat. Takeshi Naboi 115th Family Head and Fourth Seat, Takeshi Naop  10th Family Head and Fifth Seat, Takeshi Naomi she's 50th Family Head and sixth seat, Takeshi Makina she's 3rd family head and Seventh Seat, and finally Takeshi Armstrong 326th family head and Eig-"

Takeshi: Dad!?!

Takeshi stood shocked as he looked to the person on the left-hand side of the grand elder both of which seemed to stare at him. His father with regret and...shame? and the grand elder with curiosity.

Narration: He turned his head away! Why does he look at me with such shame?

Grand Elder: "Now that introductions are out of the way..."

The grand elder stood and bowed to him.

Grand Elder: "Takeshi Shiitake it's a pleasure to finally meet! Quite the odd one arriving two years late....and in quite a bold outfit!"

Takeshi: Bold?

Looking down at himself Takeshi only just realized he wore nothing besides a thin drape that just covered his modesty. He'd been standing naked in front of his ancestors and hadn't even realized it....

To Be Continued.....

7
Develop Your Story / Re: Amnesia: Ronan's Tale (Tentative Title)
« on: August 01, 2015, 12:50:31 AM »
How do you do that?

8
Develop Your Story / Re: Amnesia: Ronan's Tale (Tentative Title)
« on: August 01, 2015, 12:47:55 AM »
I can't link yet so.....






First Panel opens to a single student in his desk staring out of the window at the fiery orange afternoon sky with a seemingly Pensive look on his face.

Narration: My name is Takeshi Shiitake. High School Junior Second Seat, Class A.

Takeshi turns back toward the teacher still not really paying attention.

Narration: And by my Graduation from High School I'm destined to die.

Narration: 3 Day's Earlier walking through the School Halls

Narration: It started out like any other day. Nothing much going on.

Takeshi hunched his shoulders as he heard the murmurs and whispers floating around.

Narration: It was the usual gossip obsessed idiots trying to figure out my "story" is all.

Voice 1: "I heard he's never spoken a word out loud!"

Voice 2: "I heard he made a kid run crying just by looking at him."

Voice 3: "I heard he could lift a truck with his bare hands!"

Voice 1: I heard that if you look him in the eye he'll steal your soul!

Takeshi turns to where most of the murmurs were coming from with a frown and the hall immediately quieted.

Takeshi: Those idiots must know I can hear them. They can't whisper right for their lives.

Narration: Then everything changed....Again....

Suddenly there was a crash. Turning to see the comotion Takeshi spotted a delinquent in a leather jacket with an arrogant sneer. He was holding the front of another students shirt in his fist, and the scrawny clearly weaker student shook in his grasp.

Delinquent: "Hey mouse! You just bumped into me! I think you owe me an apology..."

Student: "B-but...I-I, I already s-said s-s-sorry!"

Takeshi began to make his way toward the exchange. People gasped and cleared the way for him but the Delinquent remained oblivious as the student only freaked out more.

Delinquent: "That's not enough. I still feel insulted....I know! Why don't you kiss my boots as an apology"

The Delinquent would point to his black combat boots as Takeshi got closer with him still unaware.

Student: "P-Please.... -whimpers and shakes more-

Delinquent: "Begging won't.....Hey get your hands off me!"

Takeshi reaches the Delinquent and places a hand on his shoulder and having had his back to him the Delinquent shoves him before turning to the hulking frame of Takeshi looming over him. The Delinquent pales visibly.

Delinquent: "Oh...ummm  it's you...uh...buddy -gulps- He he he"

Delinquent edges away wile the student takes the chance and runs off.

Delinquent: "I hadn't seen you there you know and-"

Narration: Admirably it was a stupid thing for me to do.

Takeshi brings his fist down on top of the Delinquents head once with a hard THUMP and the Delinquent immediately falls unconscious.

For a second there was complete silence and then everyone screamed and yelled like idiots rushing to different classes and hiding spaces.

Narration: *sigh* I just never Learn do I . This is the seventh time. I've already been kicked from three Schools because of this.

Takeshi: Oh boy it happened again...

Then a student almost as tall as Takeshi but not as big wearing a Kendo Kimono with a Student Council Badge on it appears looking around practically sniffing Takeshi out.

Frantically looking for his own hiding space Takeshi runs in the opposite direction of the Kimono wearing guy and hides in a storage closet not already occupied by another student hiding from him.

Narration: That guy tin the Kimono..... He's the Kendo Club Captain and Student Council President.

Narration: His name is Gai Shogo. Guy is an honor code valiant type that thinks he can save stray delinquents....namely myself.

Takeshi sighs rubbing his hands together and shivering a bit having realized it was cold in the storage closet.

Narration: Like everyone else at this school he heard about all my track record. Probably not anything to clear since personal records were off record to students, but....You never know....

Takeshi: *sighs* "Isn't this just great! *cough* It's been a while since I heard myself speak."

Takeshi stands and puts a hand onto the wall hanging his head.

Takeshi: "That's right for some reason people are intimidated by my voice."

Side Note (meaning a note on outside edge of panel): Has a Deep and seemingly threatening voice.
Takeshi turns against the wall then slumps down.

Takeshi: "Why does this always happen? How can I ever relax and be lazy if I'm continuously moving and dealing with idiots coming back for "revenge" Ahhh!"

Takeshi looks to the side Tsking at himself

Takeshi: "And now that Council boy will never let me be! Just my luck!"

Takeshi crosses his arms over his knees.

Takeshi: "I really need to stop being so curious...but that guy pushing me like that. Hmph. If he'd just run away like the others.....Do I have anger management issues?"

Takeshi closes his eyes. Suddenly there's a flash of bright light and when he opens his eye's he's no longer in the storage closet. Instead he's in a wide open space that looked like the stereotype for Heaven with nothing but blue space and clouds. That is, Until he heard a voice clear it's throat impatiently and he turned around.

Takeshi: "Well this isn't strange at all."

Before Takeshi was a gathering of thrones in a U shape with a recliner in the middle. In these chairs sat a bunch of different copies of him only in different sizes, shapes and all wearing different things. After counting there were Eight of them counting the man in the recliner too. Speaking of which the man in the recliner obviously seemed to be in charge. It was obvious even to Takeshi everyone else there looked at him in almost reverence. The Man looked almost just like his father. A bigger and far as muscle build more refined version of himself as well as more matured looking. However the person to speak was the man beside him. A slimmer but still impressively muscled Takeshi with a Mustache beard, slicked back hair, and a very old school military outfit, although from what Era and what Origin it was hard to place. His throne was all cameo with five gold stars across the front.


Narration: Then this happened. Go Figure.

Militia Takeshi: "My name is Takeshi Toron. And this is the Elder Council. We are your most accomplished and powerful ancestors who were deemed worthy to become elders. You come from a long line of Mercenaries with special powers called Kur?do."

Toron points to the man in the recliner.

Toron: "This is the grand elder Takeshi Iwata. He was the first head of the family. I told you who I am and I was the 32nd Head of the family and the second seat of this council."

Toron points to the two beside him  to the right naming them as he goes then turns toward the left to the beginning of the U and does the same with them until everyone is named.

(This will take up a panel for each named)

Toron: "And this is Takeshi Soto, 2nd Family Head Third and third seat. Takeshi Naboi 115th Family Head and Fourth Seat, Takeshi Naop  10th Family Head and Fifth Seat, Takeshi Naomi she's 50th Family Head and sixth seat, Takeshi Makina she's 3rd family head and Seventh Seat, and finally Takeshi Armstrong 326th family head and Eig-"

Takeshi: Dad!?!

Takeshi stood shocked as he looked to the person on the left-hand side of the grand elder both of which seemed to stare at him. His father with regret and...shame? and the grand elder with curiosity.

Narration: He turned his head away! Why does he look at me with such shame?

Grand Elder: "Now that introductions are out of the way..."

The grand elder stood and bowed to him.

Grand Elder: "Takeshi Shiitake it's a pleasure to finally meet! Quite the odd one arriving two years late....and in quite a bold outfit!"

Takeshi: Bold?

Looking down at himself Takeshi only just realized he wore nothing besides a thin drape that just covered his modesty. He'd been standing naked in front of his ancestors and hadn't even realized it....

To Be Continued.....

9
Develop Your Story / Re: Amnesia: Ronan's Tale (Tentative Title)
« on: August 01, 2015, 12:41:23 AM »
Hey later do you mind looking over a story of mine I just posted half of chapter 1 in the comments...


10
Develop Your Story / Re: Amnesia: Ronan's Tale (Tentative Title)
« on: August 01, 2015, 12:34:20 AM »
I'm with Vivian this is truly awesome and funny I love funny so much Kudos man you got skill.

11
Develop Your Story / Re: Idea
« on: August 01, 2015, 12:28:55 AM »
First Panel opens to a single student in his desk staring out of the window at the fiery orange afternoon sky with a seemingly Pensive look on his face.

Narration: My name is Takeshi Shiitake. High School Junior Second Seat, Class A.

Takeshi turns back toward the teacher still not really paying attention.

Narration: And by my Graduation from High School I'm destined to die.

Narration: 3 Day's Earlier walking through the School Halls

Narration: It started out like any other day. Nothing much going on.

Takeshi hunched his shoulders as he heard the murmurs and whispers floating around.

Narration: It was the usual gossip obsessed idiots trying to figure out my "story" is all.

Voice 1: "I heard he's never spoken a word out loud!"

Voice 2: "I heard he made a kid run crying just by looking at him."

Voice 3: "I heard he could lift a truck with his bare hands!"

Voice 1: I heard that if you look him in the eye he'll steal your soul!

Takeshi turns to where most of the murmurs were coming from with a frown and the hall immediately quieted.

Takeshi: Those idiots must know I can hear them. They can't whisper right for their lives.

Narration: Then everything changed....Again....

Suddenly there was a crash. Turning to see the comotion Takeshi spotted a delinquent in a leather jacket with an arrogant sneer. He was holding the front of another students shirt in his fist, and the scrawny clearly weaker student shook in his grasp.

Delinquent: "Hey mouse! You just bumped into me! I think you owe me an apology..."

Student: "B-but...I-I, I already s-said s-s-sorry!"

Takeshi began to make his way toward the exchange. People gasped and cleared the way for him but the Delinquent remained oblivious as the student only freaked out more.

Delinquent: "That's not enough. I still feel insulted....I know! Why don't you kiss my boots as an apology"

The Delinquent would point to his black combat boots as Takeshi got closer with him still unaware.

Student: "P-Please.... -whimpers and shakes more-

Delinquent: "Begging won't.....Hey get your hands off me!"

Takeshi reaches the Delinquent and places a hand on his shoulder and having had his back to him the Delinquent shoves him before turning to the hulking frame of Takeshi looming over him. The Delinquent pales visibly.

Delinquent: "Oh...ummm  it's you...uh...buddy -gulps- He he he"

Delinquent edges away wile the student takes the chance and runs off.

Delinquent: "I hadn't seen you there you know and-"

Narration: Admirably it was a stupid thing for me to do.

Takeshi brings his fist down on top of the Delinquents head once with a hard THUMP and the Delinquent immediately falls unconscious.

For a second there was complete silence and then everyone screamed and yelled like idiots rushing to different classes and hiding spaces.

Narration: *sigh* I just never Learn do I . This is the seventh time. I've already been kicked from three Schools because of this.

Takeshi: Oh boy it happened again...

Then a student almost as tall as Takeshi but not as big wearing a Kendo Kimono with a Student Council Badge on it appears looking around practically sniffing Takeshi out.

Frantically looking for his own hiding space Takeshi runs in the opposite direction of the Kimono wearing guy and hides in a storage closet not already occupied by another student hiding from him.

Narration: That guy tin the Kimono..... He's the Kendo Club Captain and Student Council President.

Narration: His name is Gai Shogo. Guy is an honor code valiant type that thinks he can save stray delinquents....namely myself.

Takeshi sighs rubbing his hands together and shivering a bit having realized it was cold in the storage closet.

Narration: Like everyone else at this school he heard about all my track record. Probably not anything to clear since personal records were off record to students, but....You never know....

Takeshi: *sighs* "Isn't this just great! *cough* It's been a while since I heard myself speak."

Takeshi stands and puts a hand onto the wall hanging his head.

Takeshi: "That's right for some reason people are intimidated by my voice."

Side Note (meaning a note on outside edge of panel): Has a Deep and seemingly threatening voice.
Takeshi turns against the wall then slumps down.

Takeshi: "Why does this always happen? How can I ever relax and be lazy if I'm continuously moving and dealing with idiots coming back for "revenge" Ahhh!"

Takeshi looks to the side Tsking at himself

Takeshi: "And now that Council boy will never let me be! Just my luck!"

Takeshi crosses his arms over his knees.

Takeshi: "I really need to stop being so curious...but that guy pushing me like that. Hmph. If he'd just run away like the others.....Do I have anger management issues?"

Takeshi closes his eyes. Suddenly there's a flash of bright light and when he opens his eye's he's no longer in the storage closet. Instead he's in a wide open space that looked like the stereotype for Heaven with nothing but blue space and clouds. That is, Until he heard a voice clear it's throat impatiently and he turned around.

Takeshi: "Well this isn't strange at all."

Before Takeshi was a gathering of thrones in a U shape with a recliner in the middle. In these chairs sat a bunch of different copies of him only in different sizes, shapes and all wearing different things. After counting there were Eight of them counting the man in the recliner too. Speaking of which the man in the recliner obviously seemed to be in charge. It was obvious even to Takeshi everyone else there looked at him in almost reverence. The Man looked almost just like his father. A bigger and far as muscle build more refined version of himself as well as more matured looking. However the person to speak was the man beside him. A slimmer but still impressively muscled Takeshi with a Mustache beard, slicked back hair, and a very old school military outfit, although from what Era and what Origin it was hard to place. His throne was all cameo with five gold stars across the front.


Narration: Then this happened. Go Figure.

Militia Takeshi: "My name is Takeshi Toron. And this is the Elder Council. We are your most accomplished and powerful ancestors who were deemed worthy to become elders. You come from a long line of Mercenaries with special powers called Kur?do."

Toron points to the man in the recliner.

Toron: "This is the grand elder Takeshi Iwata. He was the first head of the family. I told you who I am and I was the 32nd Head of the family and the second seat of this council."

Toron points to the two beside him  to the right naming them as he goes then turns toward the left to the beginning of the U and does the same with them until everyone is named.

(This will take up a panel for each named)

Toron: "And this is Takeshi Soto, 2nd Family Head Third and third seat. Takeshi Naboi 115th Family Head and Fourth Seat, Takeshi Naop  10th Family Head and Fifth Seat, Takeshi Naomi she's 50th Family Head and sixth seat, Takeshi Makina she's 3rd family head and Seventh Seat, and finally Takeshi Armstrong 326th family head and Eig-"

Takeshi: Dad!?!

Takeshi stood shocked as he looked to the person on the left-hand side of the grand elder both of which seemed to stare at him. His father with regret and...shame? and the grand elder with curiosity.

Narration: He turned his head away! Why does he look at me with such shame?

Grand Elder: "Now that introductions are out of the way..."

The grand elder stood and bowed to him.

Grand Elder: "Takeshi Shiitake it's a pleasure to finally meet! Quite the odd one arriving two years late....and in quite a bold outfit!"

Takeshi: Bold?

Looking down at himself Takeshi only just realized he wore nothing besides a thin drape that just covered his modesty. He'd been standing naked in front of his ancestors and hadn't even realized it....

To Be Continued.....  8)

12
Welcome Center / Re: Salutations?
« on: July 31, 2015, 07:44:39 PM »
Welcome Lass!

13
Manga Writer workshop / Re: Sh0rt st0ries any0ne?
« on: July 30, 2015, 03:07:34 AM »
I bellowed victoriously as I finally got the monsters health to zero and smiled in satisfaction as the giant, inky black widow spider exploded into slimy green leftovers with just a few solid chunks. "Aaron it's time to go to bed," my mother informed me. "And would you stop keeping the light on when you're using the T.V. you're wasting to much electricity and when you have to sit here in the dark you'll be sorry," my mom said in her usual over concerned nagging mom voice. "You should also consider cleaning your room instead of being hooked on that game," my mom asserted in a tone that let me know that was an order not a suggestion. My room was scattered with clothes and leftover snacks. I had a king size bed that took up most of the small room and in the corners I had my computer, my T.V., My games and chargers and one closet I never use unless I'm looking for a quick room cleanup. "Goodnight mom," I say turning off the light and going to sleep.
The morning light shines dully into my dark dreary room. The ruinous appearance of my room often blocks the morning light. The first thing I do is turn on the T. V. to get back to my game, but the T. V. doesn't turn on. I do everything I know to do, but the T. V. remains stubbornly shutdown. I try to turn on the light to get a better look at the T.V., but nothing happens. It suddenly dawns on me what the problem is. I open my room door and head down the red velvet staircase into the red and brown wooded living room, and through the living room to the sky blue marble kitchen. "Mom the powers out," I say irately. "I know listen," she says raising a battery radio in her hand. Her voice sounds strangely resigned and philosophical. As I listen to the radio President Tantalus tells the world how Americas electricity has been sabotaged and how we may never enjoy electricity again. Multiple emotions pass through me: rage then sadness, then loss then acceptance. There is nothing we can do but wait and adapt.
Over the next month I witness both the change of society and a change in myself. I have always heard about adapt and overcome, but only now can fully appreciate its meaning. The first big change of course happened in the market. Even though we no longer had our industrial machines we had such an overcrowding of citizens we just hired more and held onto as much industrial power as we could hold. Stores also found a new way to refrigerate their goods just in time to keep too much from spoiling. Now we all, both markets and households, bury our refrigerate-able items with as much ice as possible. So now ice is a valuable resource. In school we have a harder time with research projects and there has been a lot of revisement of the curriculum but with our books we're still standing. As for me now that I can't get absorbed in my games my days are composed of reading, exercise, eating, sleeping, riding my bike, and going out with my friends. With no electronic distractions families and friends stay closer together and internet predators have been eliminated. My favorite development however is that most people don't go out at night due to how dark it is without the cities lights, but now without those lights I can see something I haven't otherwise been able to see. M y favorite change is the stars in the night sky that shines so beautifully like tiny diamonds. Every night I go out on the roof and stare at them, under my mother’s watchful eyes of course, and when I look up at the sparkling heaven it makes me think about how far we've come in such a short time, and it makes me think we'll make it just fine; maybe even better than ever.

14
Manga Writer workshop / Re: Write A Story in 6 Words
« on: July 30, 2015, 02:52:55 AM »
 He Loved, Lost, Learned to endure.   :sleep:

15
Develop Your Story / Re: Idea
« on: July 29, 2015, 09:04:35 PM »
It'd be nice to have a co-writer for this one.......

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