This is a story I've been working one for some time now. I wanted some feedback on it. Mainly basic ones like did I convey the tone, story,vision and angles well. Was it interesting, how was the dialogue, was it a bit much? Is also added some humor the last two days to give it a manga feel and I'm not good at comedy, but I tried, so tell me if u liked it. But any review would be great.
I wrote it in a script/screenplay format as an easy way for me to convert to a storyboard. I explain most of what your seeing on some parts very well and less on others, but felt it was the best option to get down the most important details I needed to show you without a storyboard. I don't give much details on the settings and appearance of characters, just one, so please don't mind that. Also the chapter is pretty long, I figure it to be 40-50 pages.
Genres: Scifi Seinen Action Adventure Drama Romance Cyberpunk (alittle) Comedy (maybe)
Spoiler
Scene: Cold dead space, the Junin solar system. First view is of distant space, pure darkness with stars glittering in
the distant background.
Second view is a shot of the entirety of a tan and dark green planet called Tarth (Just planet).
Third view is a real close up from just above the planet, looking down on it.
Nearby, a floating object slowly approaches the planet. The unknown object, so faint it seems like debris, is pulled
in as it enters the planets atmosphere. A distant orbiting satellite, about a quarter of the planet away, turns and
points towards the object as it makes its rounds around the planet.
Scene: Tarth. Overhead view is of an open-square (square with one side gone) white lab facility, at the of a forest.
Inside at a desk, sits a bald, white mustached meteorologist with transparent glasses. His name is Oliver ponsol, and he seems to be enjoying a fresh cup of coffee while flipping through his lab notes. A deafening siren rings, and a red alarm on the wall goes off just over Olivers head (!) just as he takes a sip of his hot coffee. Oliver painfully spills the burning liquid on his chest and legs from the scare of the siren. He lets out the most helpless cry in his life as he's jumping from his seat like a frantic maniac, tearing the clothes off himselfin one instant with his new unbeknownst strength. He stands there hunched over, panting and defeated as if he ran15 miles, still holding his ripped lab coat in one hand and pants in the other. Lastly, he lets out weak and faint "...oww! and those were my last clean pair", before remembering the blazing sirens and running over to his control terminal.
Oliver: What is it i?
Terminal A.I: Satellite detecting possible anomaly within planets thermosphere ...Confirmed. Scanners reading unknown alloy, now entering mesosphere.
Oliver: Unknown? And the entry?
A.I: Alloy sustaining any damage from aerodynamic heating, unable to detect its mineral signature.
Scene: Space.
The object at this point is an almost blinding light as it free-falls through the atmosphere.
Scene: Back to lab.
Oliver: Calculate the objects speed and estimate its weight.
A.I: Calculating, 600 pounds.
Oliver: If it's some some sort of technology, it'll be destroyed on impact. I, send a drone to stop it and bring it down, make sure to break the fall, at the cost of the drone if it must.
A.I: Assigning drone and adaptable variables, complete. Scene: Just above the facility. A medium sized drone exits it dock and takes off from a section of the facility.
Oliver: Where will it hit?
A.I: 48*W 76*N Mason beach, 436 miles southeast at its current trajectory. Oliver: Ready the ship. Oliver quickly makes his way to an aircraft.
Scene: Outside, open sky.
The object now inside the planets atmosphere, soars across the sky almost diagonally, still a bright light. The drone, flies high over the clouds and stops, hovering in mid air. It detects the object on its scanners about four miles away, screaming towards it at about 400 miles per hour.
Drone A.I: Calculating..., insufficient speed to approach and decelerate object from behind, calculating variables..., solution found.
The drone, then lines up in the objects exact path, and flies away from it in the opposite direction. The object, as a result of its speed, quickly closes the gap between itself and the drone. The object, then crashes against the back of the drone, with the speed of the object taking the drone forward with it, but losing speed from it.
Scene: Up close shot of drone.
Drone: Commencing full deceleration.
The drone then tries to come to a full stop. The objects force, rips through the drone. The drone is destroyed into pieces, but the object is slowed down dramatically. The object, now slightly visible, (but purposely obscured) spins and flips uncontrollably as it loses more speed through the sky. It crash slides into a sandy beach. Scene: View of Oliver's speeding vehicle (ship). Inside, Oliver impatiently sits at the controls, racing to the landing in mystery.
Scene: View is of a blackened, red-stripped planet engulfed in sulfur and fallout. This unstable world sits on the edge of the galaxy, the rivers of lava flowing through the it are visible from space. Julius and Lalinore have been here for some time now. Roaming the outskirts of the galaxy.
Scene: View of an ancient city metropolis, crumbling in ruin and decay.
Julius enters the lower levels of a mega underground facility, and exits the lift (elevator). He walks in to find Lalinore on one knee, gazing at something odd (gigantic blast hole in the facility, going on for what seems like miles).
Julius: So, they were here Huh?
Lalinore: ...Yeah..., something happened here, long time now. The high radiation levels here came from this blast.
Julius: Well, their not here now and there's barely any oxygen left so let's go, our trip here has run its course.
Lalinore's lifeless reply warranted no opposition, he just stands and turns to leave. They enter the lift and make their way back up. Once outside, they proceed to walk back to their ship.
Lalinore: So, what do you think went on here?
Julius: Looks like whatever explosion or weapon went off, caused a chain reaction of volcanic eruptions. I scanned most the planet, no sign what did this. But what reason did they have for coming here?
Lalinore: You know we can't afford to look for them anymore.
Julius looking forward just nods.
Julius: So what should we be looking for.
Lalinore: Pods! We don't have much time There should be on one of these worlds. You figured Luna and Jade were looking for us?
Julius: Possibly, maybe something else.
Lalinore sarcastically turns to Julius.
Lalinore: Like a significant reason to continue with this existence! yeah, good luck ...maybe death or peace, if it does indeed exist beyond a word.
Julius: Maybe they found something.
Lalinore: You do understand the chances of them finding whatever the praetorians are looking for is slim. The case of them doing anything useful with it is as close to impossible as it gets. And yet you still talk like that. Besides that there's the numbers and arsenal. What willing power, would have the capability, and actual numbers to even attempt anything, the hu-.
He's cutoff.
Julius: I see your point Lan, but it isn't completely impossible. Plus, never count out that small probability. Great things can occur there, like the universe.
Lalinore: Or maybe even you and I can inevitably end up changing the course of things, right. Julius: There's a chance.
Lalinore: Oh please!
Julius: Your useless!
Scene: Inside the ship.
Julius and Lan sit at the controls, punching in commands to take off. Lalinore stares out the bridge at the city in ruin.
Lalinore: I Wonder whether the entire universe is dead already, It must've died when intelligent life began.
Julius: Those are some dark thoughts.
Lalinore: Yup!
Julius: Well, embrace your emotions while you still can, they'll be gone soon, and forever. Set course for the Segma 2 system.
The ship exits the atmosphere as explosions erupt in the great ruins below.
Scene: Tarth, three hours pass.
Oliver's ship arrives at the impact zone, Mason beach, and lands. Oliver exits almost naked, wearing only the undershorts on his legs and boots on his feet. He can see the deep stretched out crater in the dry sand, he runs towards it.
Oliver: I hope it didn't suffer any damage.
As Oliver approaches, he begins to dig into the sand to reveal to sunken object. He stands back up in disbelief at what he's partially unearthed.
Oliver: Could it be!?? It must be, no human can withstand that impact, let alone the conditions in space and atmospheric entry.
Lying partially dug up in the sand is what looks like shiny, titanium-like humanoid male. Oliver kneels down to closely examine the metallic anatomy and structure.
Oliver: No sign of heat. Oliver slowly places his hand on the metal body. Oliver: It's cool! Sooo...it can resist high amounts of heat, this is why it didn't melt on entry. What type of alloy...?
Unknown to Oliver in his discovery, was the arrival of two men obviously miners. With their dirty clothes, hanging gas masks and flashlight equipped hard hats, they exit a small land cruiser they just arrived in, scouting the area as if looking for something.
Miner1: Jak look! there's a ship over by the beach, see it. Told'ya, somethin must've happened here, knew I heard it.
Jak: Ted, by contract, were not supposed to go past the site or city limits, they say it's dangerous.
Ted: Don't you ever get bored of just goin to the bar after work all the time. Besides it'll only be a few minutes, don't wuss out, you came on your own.
Jak: What!!
Ted: Shut up and move.
Then, taking insanely fast tippy toe steps, they quickly sneak all the way over to Olivers ship. Together, they poke their heads out from the corner of the ship, looking for anything. They stand now about 100 feet behind Oliver and the crash.
Ted: Jak, see the drag marks on the sand? It ends over there. Come on, let's see.
As they begin to walk, Jak instantly grabs Ted.
Jak: Wait, there's someone there in that hole, with a droid. You think it's that doctor Winthrop, the one who tends to the injured miners.
Ted: Can't tell, what if.
Jak: He knows me and could report us, I'm not losing my job and mining permit for this.
Ted: Ssh, wait look, it's a bald guy.... that's not Winthrop! What the hell!!! What's goin on here?
Looking nervously scared and sweaty, Ted points over to Oliver with his now dripping nose.
Ted: Is this guy some perv, look at'em.
Jak: This is weird, I'm scared Ted.
They can see Oliver as he's digging up more dirt, but can't see what fell. Jak with a cowering look on his face yanks down teds collar.
Jak: Ted! Maybe he's a murderer, burying somebody! Jaks eyes go out at his own terrifying words as Teds confidence and excitement grows.
Ted: Ok, if that's the case then let's check, we can't just stand here and watch some guy possibly get away with murder.
Jak: What! Let's get the hell outta here, he could be some maniac killer!
Oliver, finally hearing the commotion and realizing someone's there watching, suddenly turns to their direction in defense, shouting like a mad man in hostility.
Oliver: WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE SNEAKING ON ME LIKE THAT, YOU WANNA SEE WHAT I GOT. COME ANY CLOSER AND YOU DIE!!
Ted frightfully jumps into Jaks arms like baby as Jak stands there trembling.
Ted: OH YEAH, JUST WHAT THE HELL YOU DOIN OUT HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, DIGGING GRAVES YOU....FREAK!
Oliver: Graves, Freak? FREAK!!! YOU WANNA SEE FREAK, I'LL REMOVE YOUR EYEBALLS AND USE'EM FOR MY SOUP. S-3, GET'EM!
Oliver, with a demented and demonic like stare, points towards the miners as the droid charges full speed toward them. Ted and Jak break like hell back to their cruiser in terror.
Ted: RUN JAK! He's a mad scientist, a sicko!
Jak: I don't wanna die! Ahhh!! Oliver stands in shock at the silly event taking place in front of him.
Oliver: Idiots! I'm on a planet of absolute idiots. S-3, return! Let them be.
Olivers drone returns and he continues his survey. You can see now that he has dug the alien out the sand and can see it laying out in the crater. He tries to flip body over, but can't.
Oliver: Rrrgghh, Wo! this alloy must be extremely dense to have such a high mass, this might be impenetrable. Hmmm, Im betting it has a brain, maybe some organs, and the alloy armor... would protect it from extreme pressure, heat and cold. How high would those levels be? And is it dead.
Oliver places his hand on his chin looking puzzled.
Oliver: Think, think... It quite possibly could be suffering from head trauma. Yes, that might be it. So let's go see if Mr Winthrop can help, see just how good of a neurologist he is. Take this back to the ship S-3, quickly.
Oliver orders the droid, which takes the alien to the ship, the ship then takes off. Oliver heads to Nelson Winthrop's lab.
Scene: Inside Nelsons lab, a more cluttered and sinister looking one, with prosthetics and machinery showering the background.
Inside, a loud repeating bang comes from the entrance hatch as Nelson walks to open it.
Nelson: Hold your damn horses you. You better have a good reason for botherin me this...
As Nelson opens the door, all he can do is stand in shocking disbelief at the sight of the droid holding the humanoid and an unclothed Oliver.
Nelson: What the hell is that! and where in the universe are your f*cking pants!!!
We skip to humanoid being placed by the droid on its chest on top an operating table. Nelson, wearing surgical scopes on his face, carefully searches the back of the synthetics head.
Nelson: You gonna put some pants on or not, your freaking me out.
Oliver: Just get on with it.
Nelson: If this thing does have a brain, there's a good chance it'll have a small component back here to open the cranium. Mmm... There we go.
Nelson presses the small mechanism. The metallic head opens to a view of half a brain, half machine with wiring connected.
Nelson: This alone should relieve some of the pressure. So let's see. Hmm... half a brain only? Which seems to be connected to some sort of a mainframe. Wow, this is... terrifying. I could never in my life or ten, replicate something like this.
Oliver: Can you help him or not!?
Nelson: Well, there's definitely brain swelling, I can drain fluids, apply medication and a coolant to lower the brains temperature. If that doesn't work, I'll perform surgery, removing whatever's causing the swelling. But this is still past my expertise, I don't know what's supporting the brain, or how. This thing can and likely does have severe brain injuries already. No matter where it's made or from.
Oliver: Yes, I understand, just try your best.
Nelson: So you said it fell from space, survived entry and impact.
Oliver: Yes.
Nelson: Well, from that I can conclude this...thing, is able to take oxygen, even from space, and feed it to the brain. The nervous system should be connected to the brain through these wires, giving it control, maybe senses and feelings also. This alloy must be incredibly durable, but I've never seen anything like this in my life.
Oliver: I myself have some thoughts on where this alloy may have originated, but never mind that, we're losing time.
Nelson: Before anything...
Nelson, angry-like, turns his head slowly to Oliver.
Nelson: I wanna know why you wish to help this thing so bad, is this about your past?
Oliver: Nelson, we must at least for the sake of science, help it and learn from it. Good things can still come of this, this doesn't concern my past.
Nelson: Even IF that were the true. What happens when it wakes up, and we're the only thing in its way? You know what theses things are capable of. Do you expect it to do what we ask because we may have saved it? What if word reaches the capitol that we knew and didn't report it? We could be exiled.
Oliver: Calm down Nelson. I have no interest in putting our lives in danger. We're gonna safely take a chance to learn from this with the time we're gonna have. U can't deny it, this is the chance of a millennia, to study the first one of its kind ever caught.
Nelson: You don't know that, and what do you mean by safely with the time we're gonna have.
Oliver: Well after you're done, we're going to bolt it to the ground and report the finding to the capitol. We'll tell them we repaired him for their benefit. They'll have to believe us. If it wakes up willing to cooperate, we might just be able to learn how they work. If not, we can trap it in a electromagnetic cell. Easy enough. Deal?
Nelson: ...U should know there's a military base orbiting a planet about 1000 A.Us from here. Wouldn't take them longer than 2 months to get here. I'd say that's your time limit. But, sure whatever, just please put on some damn clothes.
Oliver: Fair enough.
Both stand over the table, backs turned, covering any view of the humanoid being operated on. Oliver, standing by Nelson, watches him at work.
Nelson: So any idea where it came from? Oliver: Not a clue.
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Chillz
good luck 
This is a story I've been working one for some time now. I wanted some feedback on it. Mainly basic ones like did I convey the tone, story,vision and angles well. Was it interesting, how was the dialogue, was it a bit much? Is also added some humor the last two days to give it a manga feel and I'm not good at comedy, but I tried, so tell me if u liked it. But any review would be great.
