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Messages - Quane

Pages: [1]
1
Develop Your Story / Re: Spellcooks
« on: April 23, 2014, 02:49:35 PM »
Would people duke it out by flooding eachother in lemon cake or something?

This is too much.

2
Manga Creations / Re: Pandemonium Chapters 1-3
« on: April 23, 2014, 02:47:58 PM »
i'm sorry, but the formatting is terrible. who puts the dialogue only in spoilers?

its best to divide it up into separate chapters, rather than dialogue. i'm not going to click a bunch of times just to keep up with a story. also, it seems really short, you could merge certain chapters together.

Changed, I actually haven't thought of it, cheers for tip.

3
Develop Your Story / Re: Spellcooks
« on: April 23, 2014, 11:38:07 AM »
Well, I had an idea that they use kitchen utensils as their staff/magical weapons. And that certain food-dishes would be their specialty. For instant, one character raised on Louisiana comfort uses tobacco sauce as his secret weapon.

And the names are part of the parody thing I'm going for. XD That and I lack creativity?

The names are spot-on, definitely something that lets reader know he's on for a laugh.

4
Develop Your Story / Re: Spellcooks
« on: April 23, 2014, 11:29:19 AM »
That sounds like fun, haha. Man did I laugh reading their names. Did you maybe figure out the way of "fighting" they use against mentioned demons yet? Like maybe some kind of kitchen tools enchanted with magic or something? I have to admit it sounds rather interesting, would definitely give it a go.

5
Manga Creations / Re: Pandemonium Chapters 1-3
« on: April 23, 2014, 07:46:40 AM »
Hm, it sure doesn't feel like I went through 3 chapters, so yeah if it ever reaches the art stage perhaps at the very least the first chapter could be grouped along with the second. In any case, it's a pretty interesting read! I like how dialogue is able to carry most of the story, and I can imagine the rest. So far I like the entire cast of characters, and I like learning about the world from little bits and pieces of information as they're fed to me from the characters themselves rather than an info dump.

Scholomance huh, that sure roles off the tongue.

The elvin slavery gets to me... Well whenever it's done it always gets to me (first saw it in the Drifters manga.) I hope Perses becomes awesome. Looking forward to seeing Volgin and Ravael's roles, abilities and actions in the future.

Also yes! When a man writes down things it's a journal, not a diary! >.> <.<

I have to admit I am terrible at managing the space, haha. If I ever find someone to draw it for me I'll definitely add/mix some stuff together to make it look more packed. Definitely more to come soon, I am a little sick right now so I can't think properly. Thanks for positive feedback :D

6
Develop Your Story / Re: Humans vs Gods?
« on: April 22, 2014, 04:55:42 PM »
I really like the concept and immidiately got few ideas:


1. I was thinking of a way of empowering a person, an item of some sort or maybe serum that will greatly increase combat capabilities for a really short amount of time, giving them an opening.

2. A specially skilled unit of few people (3-5) that are genetically modified/enhanced and trained just for the sole purpose of fighting against named gods. Not like they stand a chance alone, more like a hide and seek, plant traps and fight in a group while mantaining pace and distance. Kind of special force.

3. You mentioned that they are not too smart or careful. Maybe some kind of device that literally plays with their senses, creating an illusion, fools them for a short while, also creating an opening.

Just a few that came into my mind, if I think of something I'll definitely share.

7
Develop Your Story / Re: Pandemonium
« on: April 22, 2014, 04:26:45 PM »
I've recently added first few chapters in "Manga Creations" forum and changed the story a bit.

8
Manga Creations / Re: Pandemonium - Chapter 1
« on: April 21, 2014, 05:58:07 AM »
I do enjoy a good fantasy setting, so I couldn't resist reading!!! I wanted to ask first of all, what genre are you going for? I'm pretty certain it's a shounen story, but I always like to double check.

               Okie dokie, so for the chapter itself,  the dialogue exchanges are pretty solid and provide us with a good idea of what kind of person the characters are. I see Ravael as the excitable young character, who can't hide his emotions and wears his heart on  his sleeve. Where as Oz comes off as almost an older brother like character, looking after him and quite macho.  I like the intro to, being his writings in a diary (oops sorry, I mean Journal :P) and then getting interrupted and jumped into the surroundings so to speak. I also personally find the predicament of the Elves quite interesting, as so often in fantasy settings where Elves are encountered, they are always presented as far superior to Humans and can reign above them, so it's a change to see them as the overthrown race.

               I see you said about not expanding as much as you wanted to and it does come across in the chapter. For me it feels a little bare and not much information is disclosed. For example there's no introduction for Ravael, we don't know his age, occupation or why he's going to visit Volgan and what their relationship is. Is it part of a job? Is he a family member or old teacher? Obviously not all these questions can or even should be answered in the first chapter, but It is always good for the reader to have an idea on who we are following and what they are about. If the reader knows the purpose of the visit, we can gain some idea of the direction the story will go. Perhaps just a bit more added to the conversation with Oz or even his initial diary entry would be a nice way to introduce the character.

                So really all I would say Is it just needs a bit more fleshing out, to me this would be probably 12-15 pages at most, so you certainly have a bit more room to add to the chapter if you wish. Unless you were aiming to stick to that amount of pages. How many pages were you looking for this to be? I generally think a Shounen Chapter length is  just below or above 20 pages and I usually aim to stick around that number when I write. However, First chapters are the place where you can really cut loose and some of the most popular shounen series have 40, 50 or even 60 pages for the first instalment! Anyway's I look forward to seeing if there will be more to read of this story and learning a bit more about the plot :)

I am really glad to hear that someone actually likes it. To be completely honest I am rather amazed how much you managed to red from so little, pretty much all of it is spot on. As for length of this chapter - it was actually intended to be this short, I will definitely put more into upcoming ones (around 22 pages each). As for already mentioned characters development, I already have plans for upcoming chapters, it will be there for sure! And it's shonen, can't believe I missed such important thing, I'll edit it right away.

9
Manga Creations / Pandemonium Chapters 1-3
« on: April 19, 2014, 11:55:49 AM »
Please, be aware that it is more of a "test" chapter (It is literally my first story ever made), I didn't expand it as much as I wanted. I'd like to get slightly more feedback first and see what people think of it. Enjoy!

Pandemonium is a shonen type manga (sadly I can't draw), it is focused on adventure's of a certain boy who lives in the capital city of the human race, Hyele (the city, not boy). The realm of Nibiru used to be full of great magicians and god avatars called Paragons, although, since long ago, magic began to fade from this world and a huge confilict between different kingdoms and races arise.

Chapter 1

Spoiler
Year 829, day and month? Hell if I remember, it has been over 2 weeks after we departed from capital, it's taking longer than usual due to few places we had to visit on the way, luckily we picked up the tempo and should arrive anytime now. Oz has been surprisingly nice to me for these past few days which I find shocking...

Oz: Are you still scribbling in that diary of yours? I told you milions of times already - it was made for girls, even my little sister has one.

...scratch that, he's his usual self.

Ravael: I've told you milions of times already as well - it's a journal, I'm trying to record all of my travels. Now quiet down so I can focus.

I am really excited to finally meet Volgan again, my last visit was rather disappointing when I learned he left his place just day before my arrival. It kind of hurts me as well that our reunion is business related, but I guess there is no helping it after all that has happened recently. I can only hope that he managed to sort out whatever king has requested. It was my idea to ask him for solution in the first-

Oz: Oi, Ravvie, we're here.

Ravael: Huh? That was quick. And for god's sake, stop calling me that.

Oz: You've got so absorbed with your girly stuff that I had to lead your horse. Now get off and help me with guiding them down, our usual path seems to have shrank after that crazy storm yesterday, there's no way we'll be able to pass through.

Finally, Yora, a beautiful town full of happiness and peace, placed far away from corrupted civilization. If I were to pick one place in the whole of Nibiru to be born in and to spend the rest of my life at, I wouldn't need to think twice about it. It is an exisitng proof that even at a time like this miracles ought to happen, a town so different and far, yet literally dripping with affluence of all sorts. Simply... outstanding.

Oz: Are you going to cry? You look weird.

Ravael: You really know how to put me out of mood, don't you? Anyway, take horses to the stables, I will go meet with Volgan.

Oz: How long are you planning on staying here in the first place?

Ravael: As long as it takes.

Nothing has changed here, it is exactly the same as it was three years ago. I could probably walk around blindfolded and still make it to Volgans place, speaking of which...

Ravael made his way through one of the back alleys, took one turn left and then picked up the tempo. He was really excited about finally meeting his old friend. The closer he got, the more he sped up. At some point he got so excited that he started sprinting between buildings, almost pushing townsolfks around. Suddenly, just after passing through Town's back exit, he stopped. Glaring into the distance, completely stunned he saw it, Volgans tower. Located just around the town on top of a small hill, completely surrounded by trees. "Breathtaking feeling" he thought. A tower just as described in old records from capitals library. Many of them lost and abandoned since ancient times when magia was used by everyone and when great magicians ruled over the world. He saw it countless of times, although, the same feeling gets him everytime, it felt great to be here again.

He immidiately rushed off towards the tower, soon arriving at huge wooden doors covered in some ancient crests and texts that he couldn't read. In the middle of it was a knocking ring made out of steel, encrusted in a weird crystal material that he knocked thrice without any further hesitation. He knew that Volgan takes his time answering the doors and that he'd need to wait for him to arrive. To his surprise, it didn't take longer than few seconds for someone to appear as he heard approaching footsteps moving downstairs. His excitement reached its peak, "it's been so long" he almost said out loud. And the moment doors opened he immidiately greeted his friend:


Ravael: Glad to see you old...-

It wasn't Volgan. It was a silver haired boy wearing some really old clothing with rather boring look on his face, as if his answer to everything was "whatever".

Ravael: ...friend?

Ravael's face turned into one big puzzle. Why is this kid here? Why is he opening the doors? He thought. Volgan would never let a kid inside, let alone open the doors or run around the tower freely! Something's wrong here.

Ravael: Say kid, where is Volgan?

Kid: The old geezer is reading some stuff.

Old geezer?! This is ridiculous, Volgan would never accept this kind of behavior, and on top of that it's coming from some random brat!

Kid: I mean... master is awaiting you in his room, sir. He asked me to greet you.

Ravael: Well, that for sure is a sudden change of behavior. Let's go then...?

Perses: Name's Perses, sir.

Ravael: Perses... that's an unusual name. How old are you?

Perses: Twenty-one, sir.

Ravael: Twenty-one? You look surprisingly younger than that.

Perses: I am a hybrid sir, my mother was an elf.

Ravael: I see... my apologies, it is rather rare sight these days. I know it's tough for your kind.

An elven bastard, it is a rare sight indeed. After the last stand of elves against the the realm, majority of elven women were sold to brothels as slaves. Anything that's considered as one is usually mixed with horse *censored* or beaten to death. Luckily for this fellow, he barely looks like an elf at all.

Ravael: Say, do you know your parents?

Perses stopped walking, slowly lowering his face towards the ground in silence.

Ravael: Woah, hey there kid, don't take it so hard. I didn't mean to be rude.

Perses: My mother was an elven queen, her name was Elrika the Fourth.

Hallway went completely silent. Ravael didn't move a single inch, his body wouldn't let him. He simply couldn't comprehend the meaning of information his brain just received. Expression on his face slowly started to change from lightly shocked into strucked-by-lightning shocked.

Ravael: YOUR MOTHER WAS WHAT?!

Before he even managed to get a grasp of the situation, he heard a familiar voice behind his back.

Volgan: Ah, yes. Welcome back Ravael, we have a lot of talking to go through.

Chapter 2

Spoiler
Ravael instantly turned around as his eyes finally met with his old friends face.

Ravael: Volgan! What is the meaning of this?!

Volgan: I also am glad to see you are well, Ravael. Boy, could you go fetch some water? I'd like to have a little chat with our guest, in private.

Perses: I have a name.

Volgan: So does everyone else, now go.

Perses: <whispering> Old fart...

Volgan: As for you Ravael, please have a sit, you must be tired after your journey.

Ravael: Tired?! I almost died of heart attack a minute ago, start talking about the boy already!

Volgan: Yes... he is rather poor mannered one, I'm having a really hard time with that ignorant little whelp.

Ravael: God damit Volgan, that's now what I meant! How did you find him? How... how is this even possible?

Volgan slowly stood up from his chair in silence, frozen, as if he was thinking about something intensively. He turned around and walked towards an enermous bookcase full of all kinds of books, scrolls and maps. Diving inside one of the shelves, he started searching for something. It was a very small box of a size comparable to those that hold jewelry inside them. After returning to his seat, he placed named box on the table as the look on his face became incredibly serious.

Ravael: Is it...?

Volgan: The very item your king has requested. If not for this artifact, I would've not met the boy.

Ravael: What do you mean?

Volgan: I've been searching for it since last winter, my friend. As you may have already figured, it is not an easy task, finding something that is supposedly non existent anymore. I have connections... well, everywhere, be it at capital, towns or even stinking villages. I've searched every corner of our land, yet it didn't bring any results. Then a letter came. One of my sources informed me that there is a certain person, supposedly an offspring of a local blacksmith that possess an item of the same description as the one I've been looking for.

Ravael: What was that place?

Volgan: It appeared to be a village at a countryside to the east, nothing special. Without any further thoughts, I departed from Yora. It seemed rather odd for a blacksmiths apprentice to own an item of such power, don't you think? Was it something he'd found? Or maybe stole? I wondered. Upon my arrival I was greeted by Arthur, the mentioned blacksmith. He obviously told me that the boy is not his son, apparently it was a gift from his rich uncle not longer than three years ago.

Ravael: A slave.

Volgan: Certainly. I didn't care much for that boy before my arrival, although, I have to admit that this story picked up my interest a bit. The boy was currently delivering ordered weaponry to the nearby barracks. I grew tired of waiting, so I've decided to take a walk and find him myself. It was a rather small place, didn't take me long to stumble across a young boy carrying a wooden cart. He was not alone though. It seemed like on his way back he got ambushed by some local younglings, calling him names and forcing him to leave the village. It was then that I saw it Ravael. The second I saw it, I knew it was the knife I'm looking for!

Ravael: Wait a minute, he tried defending himself with that knife?!

Volgan: Apparently so.

Ravael: Oh gods, it would've been a disaster if he only as much as cut one of those poor brats.

Volgan: Indeed my friend. I acted immidiately fending those "heroes" off. I've asked him about the knife, but I couldn't seem to learn anything from him as he acted rather hostile towards me. I told him it's something he shouldn't play around with as it holds power beyond his imagination, and that's when it happened.

Ravael: Ha... Happened what exactly?

Volgan was about to answer his friends question, but he didn't make it in time. A huge explosion filled the hallway, completely destroying part of his tower. They were both send flying right into an enermous bookcase, luckily for them all of the books absorbed the damage. At that point Volgan's chambers were completely filled with smoke and a really loud noise, a scream of agony, as if a soul itself was tortured. It was Perses. They immidiately got up and rushed off towards the place of explosion. There they saw it. Perses was kneeling on the ground, screaming endlessly as the hallway got completely engulfed in flames. An enermous aura covered his body as his eyes turned red, the amount of magia released at that point made Ravael and Volgan tremble in fear and excitement at the same time.

Ravael: What in the world is happening Volgan, this magia... it can't be real.

Volgan: I was as surprised as you, Ravael. This is exactly what happened when I first approached the boy, but much... less. Now quickly, help me get rid of this fire before it spreads any further!

Ravael: But what about this boy?!

Volgan: It will stop soon, he simply cannot control his powers yet.

It took them a while to clean all the mess. Shortly after, Perses came to his mind, falling asleep. Ravael was still shocked, glaring at Perses, he didn't even know what to think of the whole situation.

Volgan: Surprised?

Ravael: You must be kidding me. What are you planning to do about him? He obviously can't stay here and go berserk every now and then, he needs to learn how to control it.

Volgan: Ha ha ha.

Ravael: What's so funny?

Volgan: I have completed your task, Ravael. I have found the item your king was looking for, therefore you owe me a favor.

Ravael didn't quite get what Volgan meant, but after few seconds his whole face turned pale.

Ravael: You can't be serious you crazy bastard.

Volgan: But I am, my friend. You will take Perses to Hyele and teach him everything there is about magia.

Chapter 3

Spoiler
Oz: He's been really quiet these past two days.

Ravael: Are you surprised? His whole life is a one big mess.

Oz: More like a one big joke. A hybrid with royal family roots? How can Volgan be so sure about that?

Ravael: Because he's never been wrong.

Oz: But this kid doesn't even remember.

Ravael: Exactly...

Ravael experiences a flashback just before his departure from Yora.

Ravael: I still can't believe you made me do it.

Volgan: We both know that it's for the best. He can't live here Ravael, sooner or later something bad would happen, at least in Hyele he'll learn how to control this power. Also, that friend of yours would never forgive you if she learned about the situation, now, what was her name again?

Ravael: Almanda, I guess you are right.

Volgan: On top of that, he wants to go with you.

Ravael: No wonder, he hates you.

Volgan: I am a hermit, a lone magician, long-term company tends to annoy me. Now, before you take your leave my friend, there are few things you need to know.

Volgan shortened distance between both of them so that Perses couldn't hear him whispering.

Volgan: The boy, he doesn't remember his past.

Ravael: What do you mean?

Volgan: He told me that he barely remembers anything before he became a slave, as if he was looking through fog. The only things he can remember though, are his mother and...

Ravael: And?

Volgan: He knows of Pandemonium Ravael.

Ravael: What do you mean he knows of it? Who doesn't know of it? It's a myth, a long forgotten tale told by parents to their kids before bed.

Volgan: You don't understand, he speaks of it as if... I don't know, you need to keep him safe Ravael. This boy is too important. I don't understand how and why I found him, but I feel like it's something that shouldn't have happened.

Ravael: You are worrying too much, old man.

Volgan: You still don't understand. I am having really weird visions, I feel like they are looking for this boy and that dagger.

Ravael: Scholomance?

Volgan: You know it better than me. Promise me that you'll keep him safe at all cost.

Ravael: I promise, now go and have some rest, I will take care of your tower as well, after all we have the best architects in the whole of Nibiru.

Volgan: Thank you Ravael. It was great to see you again, now hurry up and be on your way.

Ravael: Farewell Volgan, I sure hope we meet again soon.

Action goes back to Ravael, Oz and Perses riding to the capital.

Perses: So... how is the capital?

Oz: So you speak?

Perses: I'm sorry, I wasn't allowed to speak freely at that old geezers place.

Ravael: Ha, don't hate him for that, Volgan is a great person, just... different.

Perses: Enough of him please, so how is Hyele?

Oz: Hmm... It's like Yora but ten times bigger and louder, full of flithy beggars and rich aristocrats.

Perses: What... what are you planning to do with me?

Ravael: You will learn of course. Learn how to control that incredible power of yours and master the elements. I am sure you will get some special treatment from my friend as well, she's a freak when it comes to... "abnormal" things.

Perses: That sounded like an insult.

Ravael: My apologies, it wasn't. You have to admit though, that power of yours is not from this world. When did you exactly start noticing it anyways?

Perses: I... I don't know. Early symptoms started happening when I was still a slave 5 years ago. It was nothing though. My fingers randomly ignited which was terryfying at first but it did me no harm, so I learned to live with it. Later on when I became a blacksmith's apprentice, that's when it got out of control. I tried to hide it.

Oz: Say, is there any specific way for your powers to activate?

Perses: It usually happens when I burst with an anger or fear, like that time when a group of bandits attacked our village, if not for that power we'd all be dead. Anyways, who are you guys exactly? All we talked about so far was me and my powers. If we are to live in the same city and be friends, I would like to know more about you.

Ravael: Ha ha, became more lively, haven't you? Very well. I am Ravael Andriue, thirty one years old, one of the king's counselors and a rank two arcane magician in Hyele.

Perses: Wow! That sounded so cool, and a king's counselor?! What about Oz?

Oz: <sigh>... Oskar Zangielf, rank two fire magician and an officer of third batalion in Hyele. Call me Oz though.

Perses: You guys are big shots! How come you didn't say your age though, Oz?

Oz: I don't like people knowing my-

Ravael: He's thirty-five.

Oz: GOD DAMIT RAVAEL!

Ravael: Who cares how old are you? Ha ha.

Oz: Whatever.

Perses: Say, what about that knife I've been holding onto all this time?

Ravael: Have you ever heard of kin of Amar?

Perses: Amar?

Ravael: Basically, Amar is an old synonym for immortality. It is a power one can obtain by... well...

Oz: ...doing really bad things, let's not get in depth.

Ravael: Exactly. Anyways, your mothers kind was a very proud and noble race very long ago, but as with every empire in this world, things have to go wrong at some point. There's always that one person who just can't have enough of power you know? So he started digging deeper and deeper.

Perses: What did he do?

Ravael: He began to sacrifice his kinds souls to Hades, god of underworld, thus establishing Scholomance.

Action moves to a far away, forgotten place somewhere in Nibiru, place incredibly dark and grim. There, from a forest completely covered in fog, a huge cathedral arises, surrounded by gravestones of every sort in an enermous radius. As the moon uncovers from behind dark clouds, its light makes a huge fortress placed inside a great mountain appear. It is filled with dark-skinned, long-ear figures preparing for something in haste. As one of them makes its way through huge steel doors inside a mountain, it gets interrupted with a question.

Unknown: Falengard, is everything going as planned?

Falengard: Yes, master. I was just looking for you. We should be ready in a month or two.

Unknown: I see. I've waited for this moment for years now, what difference does a month or two make?

Character known as "master" shows a smile full of evil, as they both pass through the doors.

10
Welcome Center / Great to be here!
« on: April 06, 2014, 05:48:49 PM »
Hey guys, first of all sorry for lack of manners, I somehow managed to skip this thread upon registration.

I'm Quane, 22 years old really boring guy from Poland. I recently got enough of holding onto my ideas and decided to share them with others, hopefully get some positive feedback and pointers for improvment.

I am really into Manga, mostly shonen stuff (unless it's something exceptionally good), MMO-RPGs (playing WoW at this moment) and AMV making which I'm still pretty bad at (I have hard times with my PC as well). Overall, sitting at my PC all day playing, reading and editing is what I'm doing these days pretty much.

I thought I'd share few of my favourite mangas just to get some expression/taste going out :p

One Piece, Bleach, Naruto, Hajime no Ippo, UQ Holder, Nanatsu no Taizai, Shingeki no Kyojin, Berserk, Gantz, Claymore and Billy Bat.

I think it is a bit of a short introduction but I just can't think of anything else at this moment (that's where coffee comes in). Thanks for going through my poor writings, I'm really glad to be here ^^

11
Develop Your Story / Pandemonium
« on: April 06, 2014, 04:14:00 PM »
Title:

Title "Pandemonium" refers to a place that is supposedly nothing more than a myth. No one knows anymore what kind of purpose it served, nor its location. The only rumor about it is that it had something to do with rise of the first empire and origin of magia.

Set & Important Figures:

The whole story takes place during middle ages (medieval-like times) in an enermous realm of "Nibiru".

Magia is an incredibly powerful energy awakened only by minority. It can be obtained at a later stage of life by enermous amount of training and sacrifice, or diagnosed during birth. People with that power are usually forced into attending special academies and schools that help them control it, as uncontrolled it might be of a huge threat not only to the host, but its surroundings as well.

It consists of a great variety of different elements, an avarage person is usually limited into one element as it takes more than just strength and will to conquer few.

Long ago Magia was used in almost everything, these days its exclusively restricted to medical and artillery purposes only.

"Paragons" play a major role in this story. Chosen by the gods as their avatars they bear incredible power, bringing justice and peace to the realm.

As in many different plot settings, characters and objects are named after mostly greek and other cultures.

Plot:

Many years after elven corruption and the uprising of evil fortress of Scholomance, things are set in motion again as magia slowly starts to disappear from this world.

As a rightful leader of human race, king of Hyele orders his two loyal servants to find and bring him an item of great power, that is needed in their operation. Mission goes as planned, although, an arftifact is not the only thing they'll bring back to the capital.

Chapters available in "Manga Creations" forum.

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