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1

Develop Your Story / Re: FNO

« on: August 11, 2015, 02:51:59 AM »

Chapter 1

Spoiler

Setting: A green and healthy forest in bright daylight. A woman lies on the ground. Above her head is the name "Tara" in plain text. The woman wakes up.

Tara (Thinking): (Looking around) Where am I?

Tara stands up.

Tara (Thinking): A forest?
(You probably wont have to point out a forest unless there was something specific you want Tara to notice about the forest that we can't see ourselves)

Tara scans the forest for a moment.

Tara (Thinking): Why would I be here? (Placing her hand on her head) I can't remember anything.
(Here is where she tries to search for more information within her memories to determine. This is also where we determine what she can/can't remember)


Tara walks around and feels the trees as she walks by them.

Tara (Thinking): These trees feel so odd. They don't feel real at all. This is so strange.
(what feels real, what about everything else she isn't feeling? Perhaps we dont need this to get the message across that she's in a game)

The bushes behind Tara shake.

Tara: (Turning around) Who's there?
(A less presumptions question is "Is someone there?")

Out from the bushes crawls a rabbit. Above the rabbit's head is the name "Vicious Hare" in plain text. Tara kneels in front of the fearless rodent and watches him smell around. Tara reaches her hand out and pets the rabbit's body gently.

Tara (Thinking): (Relieved) This bunny feels real enough... I was starting to worry.
(When you write, do you imagine these scenes? Theres still plenty to react to. But Tara reaches out to the
Tara reads the name.

Tara: (Inquisitively) "Vicious Hare"? Is this a projection?
(She's way too quick to assess the situation. If she was that quick, she would've determined she was inside a game. Otherwise, slow it down)

Tara reaches her hand out and touches the text. It then reveals a dropdown menu listing out more attributes of the rabbit.

Tara: What the...(Reading) "Level 4, Beast, Aggressive" It's like something out of a video game. (Petting the rabbit) I think Fluffy Hare would be a much better name.
(I dont think its too necessary introducing a drop down menu just by touching the name. But this only allows more rushed writing rather than taking it slow)

The rabbit's eyes immediately start to glow bright red and it hisses at her flashing its sharp teeth. Tara shrieks. The rabbit leaps at her, and she swats it away with her hand. The animal falls to the ground. It's hollow body is then blown away, nothing more than a glowing light-blue dust, and fades way. After the animal's name disappears the plain text "1 Exp" appears in its place and then fades away.

Tara (In shock) It-it disappeared. It was real, I felt it. It attacked me and then...

Ominous Man: I bet you're rethinking that name you gave your little friend.

Tara: (Surprised) I-I didn't mean to hurt it, I just... (Describing it to herself) It was like its eyes started to glow red like some kind of a monster.

Behind her was a man in a pitch black cloak with his face shadowed under his hood, and a dark aura surrounded him. The man helps her on her feet. Above his head is the name "Olsin" and just below that there is the name "Bless" in green text surrounded by brackets.
(This is where it is too obvious it hurts. Why does he need a dark aura?"

Olsin: It's good to see you're still alive, Tara.

Tara: Er... Do I know you?
(awkward sound effects)

Ominous Man: You don't remember me? I'll give you a hint. (Pointing) Look above my head.
(IN my previous rendition, although slightly rushed, was suggesting that Tara didn't exactly remember due to barely waking up. My rendition is still just as rushed as yours, but for yours, you should look into working on your plot

Tara: (Reading)  "Olsin". Why does your name appear above your head?

Olsin: Don't tell me, you've forgotten all about FNO?
(The question is too light-hearted. The severity is that she has memory loss. Addressing that she's forgotte about FNO, is a little too casual. Forgetting she is even inside a game is more severe than FNO specifically. in my old rendition, Olsin addressed with proper responce)

Tara: "FNO"? What is that?

Olsin: FNO stands for The Fall of Nations Online. You're inside an MMORPG

Tara: (Looking around) Inside a video game... How can that be?

Olsin: Right now you're wearing a console on your head that intercepts the nervous system. This console is responsible for everything you're seeing. Put simply, you're playing a virtual reality game.

Tara: So I'm a player?

Olsin: Correct.

Tara: And you are also a player?

Olsin: Indubitably. Given that the console is connected to your mind, your loss of memory might be the result of a glitch in the system it wouldn't be the first glitch we've seen.

Tara: A glitch...?

Olsin: Indeed. (Walking away) Come follow me.

Tara: Where will be taking me?

Olsin: Trust me, I'll explain on the way.

Olsin leads Tara through the forest. Tara notices the fantasy themed enemies. One of the enemies approaches Olsin and without looking at it or altering his path he extends his hand towards it. Icicles then spear through the body of the monster and, in the absence of gore, it fades away.

Olsin: These are called monsters, mindless killing machines who'll attack anyone on sight. Most are aggressive, some only attack when provoked, some are wise enough not to target us stronger players. 
(Olsin seems to explain as if Tara doesn't know what a video game is. Perhaps you should address with.)

Tara: (Speaking to herself) They want to kill me.

Olsin: Show them no mercy.

Tara watches a lone, white wolf notice them and then go away.

Olsin:(Addressing her silence) Something wrong, Tara?

Tara: This is all just so new to me. So we were... were we friends?

Olsin stops.

Olsin: (Smiling) Why don't you check your Friends List? Just think about the Menu and it will appear. Don't worry if you don't get it on your first try.
(Again, too Obvious, it hurts)

Tara squints and a projection of a dropdown menu appears in front of her. Olsin looks amused.

Olsin (Thinking): She actually got it on her first try after her losing her memory. I mustn't forget, this is Tara after all.

Tara: It says my class is the Awakener and I'm level 75. Is that good?

Olsin: Level 100 is the highest a player can achieve. You do the math.

Tara: You are on my Friends List. Olsin, level 91, Class: Time Controller... You're... the only one.

Olsin: You and I were was researching a glitch in the system. and we believed someone was tampering with the system.

Tara: (Curious) Another glitch?

Olsin: (Walking Away) Yes, the glitch we noticed recently is that the Log Out function has been disabled. As of now there is no way to exit the game. If I recall, you'd nearly found the culprit. Your sudden loss of memory might not be the result of a random glitch. Another reason why it's imperative that we get your memory back.

Tara: (Following him) I see.

Olsin: But first things first, we need to get you re-oriented. I'll have to teach you how to play FNO again, and I know just the place. I'm taking you to my guild, Bless. I just hope they'll understand.

Tara: Why wouldn't they understand?

Olsin: (Grinning) You were actually quite infamous really, but that's a story for another time because we're home.

They were hardly out of the woods. In front of them was a large mansion building and a grassland plain across the horizon. The building was like a gothic palace. Olsin knocks on the large double doors. An expressionless woman, dressed in a classic maid outfit, opens the door. Above her head is the name "Danielle" and below that there is again the name "Bless" in green text.

Danielle: Welcome home, Olsin. (Staring at Tara) Are you aware you're being followed.

Olsin: Danielle, you remember Tara right.

Daniella: (Emotionlessly) Of course. How could I forget the one who swindled me into eternal servitude for a debt that I can never repay.

Tara: (Defensively) Eternal servitude, that can't be right. I thought we were all just playing a game here.

Danielle: Olsin, I am certain this woman is not Tara.

Danielle unsheathes the rapier at her side.

Danielle: Shall I execute the imposter?

Olsin: (laughing) That won't be necessary. Trouble with the console has given her a bit of memory loss. She might not sound like herself right now, but it is her I assure you.

Danielle:(Putting her saber away) Very well. (Moving aside) Please come in.

They enter the mansion. Inside it was much more luxurious than it appeared from outside. The walls were filled with trophies from strange creatures, heads, teeth, limbs, weapons and other miscellaneous belongings all proudly displayed.

Danielle: (Leading them) Yes, we certainly are playing a game right now, but I have responsibilities that I must honor.

Danielle brings them to a grand staircase that seems to unite all parts of the house. Against the walls there were Sofas against the wall to rest on.

Olsin: Please have a seat, Tara. Danielle.

Danielle: Yes sir?

Olsin: Please watch her in case the other members make a fuss, and do explain the situation to them, if you wouldn't mind. I need to go speak to Osval. I'll be right back.

Danielle: Yes sir.

After Olsin leaves, Tara curiously taps her finger against Danielle's name above her head. It then extends a menu showing more attributes about her: "Level: 80, Guild: Bless, Class: Oath Keeper". Danielle ignores Tara's fingers as they clearly intrude upon her personal space.

Tara: Your class is called the Oath Keeper, is that why you have to remain in servitude?

Danielle: (Coldly) No.

Tara pokes Danielle's cheek with her finger.

Danielle: What are you doing?

Tara: Sorry. (Giggling) I was trying to see if I could find out more about your class. You know, since the menu is like a touch screen.

Danielle: You could have just asked. The Oath Keeper is the upgrade to the Knight Class. Knight is the class I chose when I began playing. The Knight is a defense class known as the Second Defense, simply because warrior is the first. Unlike warriors, knights are designed to defend by blocking and evading, so ideally we never actually take damage. And they wield shields and sabers, like warriors, but, unlike warriors, the elegant rapier is our choice saber.

Danielle unsheathes her rapier to display it.

Tara: (Smiling) Neat.

Danielle puts her sword away and turns to her.

Danielle: Could you... ask me another question, please?

Tara stares at her for a moment.

Tara (Thinking): I was going to, but now it's kind of awkward. This girl is so weird.

Danielle: (blushing) I-I mean there must be something else you want to know. You lost your memory right? So you don't know how the game works...

Tara: (Uncomfortably) I uh-.

A menu window abruptly  appears in front of Tara which reads "You have been invited to join Bless." with the options to "accept" or "decline" at the bottom. Olsin descends the stairs and returns to them.

Olsin: Good news, Tara. The guild master agreed to let you join the guild. Just click the accept button and it will be finished.

Tara: (Suspiciously) If we were working together, why wasn't I in your guild already.

Olsin: You liked to play the game without a guild, actually. Before you lost your memory I mean.

Tara hesitantly taps the accept button and the name "Bless" appears just below hers.

Olsin: Thank you for watching her, Danielle, but I need to ask one more favor of you.

Danielle: Yes sir.

Olsin: I need you to teach Tara how to play the game again. She needs to master swordplay in order to use her class. I assumed it'd be easy for you.

Danielle's eyes light up, though she still didn't crack a smile, she was definitely happy to be given this task.

Danielle: Yes sir! I'm honored. (Offering her hand out to Tara) Mistress Tara please come with me.

Tara accepts her hand and Danielle helps her stand on her feet.

Tara: O-Okay.

Danielle leads her away.

Tara (Thinking): What's with this girl?

Olsin: (Waving): Have fun girls.

Olsin leaves in the opposite direction. Olsin enters a large library within the mansion. A book forms in Olsin's hand from that same shining blue dust. He then searches the shelves for a place to put the book away.

Olsin (Thinking): This is an excellent chance to collect data on the system's power over the mind.

Outside the building the same white wolf from before watches Olsin through a window from a safe distance. The wolf begins to speak quietly.

Wolf: I'm beginning to think leaving Tara on her own was a bad idea.

Setting: A more lively meeting room. Alone in the room, a woman, with glasses whose glare hides her eyes, holds her hand over her ear as though she were speaking into a phone. Above her head is the name "Tiffany" and the guild name "403 Forbidden".

Tiffany: Of course it was, you reckless fool! (Concerned)... Lucius, I told you to watch her. What happened to her?

Lucius: (lying) Well nothing too extraordinary. Olsin has befriended her and she's joined his guild.

Tiffany: (Shocked) Tara... a member of Bless. How could you let this happen!

Setting: Outside of the mansion, the wolf continues to speak. The wolf's surroundings turn black and white and the world becomes motionless. A leaf stops midair as it was falling and sits there.

Lucius (Thinking): (Looking around) Wait a second... Did time just stop?

Olsin was ominously standing behind the wolf. In his hand there was a volatile and bright energy forming.

Olsin: That was clever: using that form to hide your username so I wouldn't notice you, Lucius of 403 Forbidden.

Lucius: (Turning to him): Olsin. You certainly do love sneaking up from behind.

Olsin: (Amused) I should kill you right here, but I want you to relay a message for me. Tell every guild member in 403 Forbidden that Olsin just got a new toy to play with, and he doesn't like to share.

[/quote]

2

General Discussion / Re: Speed drawing/Timelapse Discussion!

« on: August 10, 2015, 02:28:13 AM »

Honestly, i never seen anyone drastically improve or made a significant difference from "speed drawing". Speed drawing and general drawing tutorial videos are completely different. What speed drawing is just generally someone showing off how to draw. Now, if the speed drawing was just a compilation of a series of slow videos explaining how a drawing is done, then thats entirely different. but the spepd drawing is often limited by the artist's style. Which makes it a little more difficult.

Generally, speed drawing shows things are too sped up to really see what photoshop features they used,

Now i'm not saying they can't get anything out of it. but to me, watching a speed draw is the same as a regular one. Except sped up and with techno music and/or someone talking about it.

Its not that its one cup of tea. You really have to look into what Speed drawing TRULY has to offer. It really just throwing ideas and ways to work but its not the text-book "help" that one needs. Anyone can take anything out of it. but its not one that you normally "rely" on.

But Speed drawing is no different from seeing other works either complete or not.

3

General Manga writer discussions / Re: Writer Discussion Table

« on: August 10, 2015, 02:12:26 AM »

It really depends "how" deep you want to make a story follow a certain part of history and/or society and/or skill set. If you want to know the "behind the scenes" information, then yes, do what Memoirs of a Geisha has made, then go travel and speak to these people. you dont have to speak to them face to face or travel. you can skype or find an intermediary.

But if you're mostly trying to be unique, and not trying to follow the common tropes of it. then get the bare basics, and may be a little more after that, and make sure your story is saying "we're not trying to be the historically accurate, but the unique/misfit/maverick type that no one knew about"

4

Develop Your Story / Re: Yume ( Critique Needed )

« on: August 10, 2015, 01:21:40 AM »

overall, right now the characters just aren't that distinguishable...each has their fair share of positive traits, but at the moment, each one just doesn't seem to be interesting.

The description you provided sounds like that of a yearbook. SOmeone says so many positive things, its hard to distinguish what made them interesting.

5

Develop Your Story / Re: Yume ( Critique Needed )

« on: August 10, 2015, 01:04:34 AM »

I tihnkt hats a better approach. but i have a feeling this is more trying to be this nonchalant, ethereal ride rather a fullfledge shonen.

6

Develop Your Story / Re: Yume ( Critique Needed )

« on: August 10, 2015, 12:50:58 AM »

When it comes to the two polar opposites, i'm going to say something somewhere that meets in the middle.

Its not about having physical flaws. But generally having a character you can "work" with. A police officer who is too kind "to a fault" may be interesting to see on how he reacts to the cold world. But if it always works out, we are seeing a character who never adjusts his personality and never "grows".

Honestly, its all about giving a character enough room for things to be a "challenge" and flaws allow that much more than any positive trait. Problem with also not having any flaws whatsoever makes it difficult to relate.

Having flaws is what people have, and having a specific flaw to work with is something anyone can relate to. But if you make a character who is flawless and then add a stupid flaw like "he trips when he goes into doorways" then theres no point.

7

General Discussion / Re: Speed drawing/Timelapse Discussion!

« on: August 10, 2015, 12:22:56 AM »

Personally, speed drawings are at a very basic level. they are entertaining, but i dont think people actually learn from the commentary. Its usually something far more miniscule than that.

For example, the biggest thing i got out of that speed dawing is mostly that one can adjust and give proper proportions from the very broad layout that was originally drawn. but it doesn't teach you "how" the proportions work.

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Develop Your Story / Re: Yume ( Critique Needed )

« on: August 10, 2015, 12:13:41 AM »

My biggest complaint is more that the story isn't focused enough to be a genuine story. Most stories start off with a clear and strong goal.


The characters are interesting, but its hard to really focus on all three at once and individually at the same time. But it looks like they all share the same "i have a different perspective". But like i said, seems to be that its trying to mix in three main characters that are trying to be so hard to take the spot light then focusing on one.

When you make these type of stories, you also have to keep in mind that there needs to be a form of "expertise" to the subject. Main character wants to prove that culinary is art as well? First, its already considered an art program in many schools. second, do you know enough about the subject to make a story about it? Same with the other characters.

Third, graduating high school is different from college. Aspiring to finish school within seven years is nothing more than a simple competition. It doesn't really fit into how it would make their "Dreams" come true. Overall, i feel its a rather safe, yet difficult series.


It doesn't have that certain direction that really makes you want to follow them.

9

Tips and Tutorials / Re: Do you find speed drawing videos useful?

« on: August 09, 2015, 11:19:04 PM »

Im going to agree that this was indeed misleading. I originally came in thinking it was going to be an active discussion on speed drawing helpful. But as i read the post, it was indeed just self promotion. You couldve easily said "My speed drawings, are they helpful?"


In which i would say, not much. Speed drawing are interesting to watch, but i dont necessarily believe they are useful. For one, everyone has their own steps to drawing. Some are basic, some are advance. Speed drawing only covers the very bare basics. It really just helps take which steps first.

But thats if someone had absolutely no idea how to draw. The most important thing i worry about most is how your hands move when you draw. If they move awkwardly or dont allow any freedom in the motion, it can be a problem.

I can see why its blind leading the blind. But speed drawings shouldnt be the ultimate form of helping anyone learn. Not even for basics.

10

Develop Your Story / Re: FNO

« on: August 09, 2015, 05:30:19 AM »

Your story still feels rushed. You always skip a few steps. Olsin and Taras conversation is moving a little too quickly.

EDIT:
At least Tara seems more natural. Although i would avoid using the "Er..." and "Umm..." sound effects

11

Develop Your Story / Re: FNO

« on: August 09, 2015, 03:33:24 AM »

I find that you should decide Lord Kesashi: work with a character personality that suits your story. Or dont.


How relevant is Tara's personality alone?

12

Develop Your Story / Re: Yume ( Critique Needed )

« on: August 09, 2015, 03:25:34 AM »

This is mostly concept than story. But its hard to imagine where the story is heading or if theres enough to be a story. Its as if i promised someone in 2 years ill be the first to get a raise. How do you expect or believe that will be in any way appealing?

13

Develop Your Story / Re: FNO

« on: August 06, 2015, 10:18:08 PM »

The whole division of "parts" is unnecessary. Focus more on creating a chapter that builds more than introduces. I think theres too much to focus on just one chapter.

14

Develop Your Story / Danny Phantom Reboot

« on: August 06, 2015, 03:25:49 AM »

So i'm still weary about sharing my original works. However, i decided i would at least share my fanfictions. So here's one for Danny Phantom. Its more of a re-imagination if Danny Phantom had no limits to being a nickelodeon children's cartoon, and more of a young-adult series. Major changes have been made.

Also, i just want to point out, that this isn't designed as a manga but more of an independent western comic closer to "Supernatural". This is just a "Preview". i'll post the full chapter later on.

Chapter 1 (currently not even close to being finished...

Spoiler

SCENE:
A dark green castle with black clouds over it. A group of mysterious figures covered in white robes. In a surrounding one in particular wearing a black robe chained up onto a stake. He has white hair, and slightly green eyes and holds a white smile.

White Robe#1: What do you have to say for yourself?

White Robe#2: Are you not in the least ashamed of what you've done?

Black Robe: Hehehehe...Not at all. I was having quite a thrill.

WHite Robe#3: You fool! You've ruined all of our plans, and for what? Personal amusement?

Black Robe: hahahaha. Yes, why not?

White Robe#4: Out of all people, i thought you would help us in our goals.

Black Robe: You really dont know me at all. You must be insane if you think i would go along.

White Robe#1: Enough. for defying the order, your punishment is to be erased.

ACTION:
A white portal is beneath him appears and begins to suck him in. The man's face is shown completely and he begins to laugh maniacally

DIALOGUE:
Black Robe: You really don't know a single thing about me. You still underestimate me?

White Robe#2: Silence.

ACTION:
The black robed man breaks free from his chains and disapears. Laughing loudly.

DIALOGUE:
White Robe#4: Everyone, send your armies and do a full-scale search! He shouldn't have gone far!

White Robe#3: Understood. We wont let him interfere.


SCENE:
A city strongly resembling New Orleans' French Quarter. Dark clouds with a hint of green. A french sign says "Amity Park"

ACTION:
A large moving truck drives toward a house. A second car parks behind Two people come out of the car. They are two older couple with goggles hanging on their shoulders. The two direct two men in uniform to move boxes into the house.

A young man gets out the back seat of the second car. His has black hair, blue eyes, and wearing a red hoodie where he covering his hair and swiping with his smartphone.

DIALOGUE:
Boy: We're finally here...Another new town, another new set of complete strangers staring at us.

Man: No need to be upset, Danny. We told you two months ahead of time. Enough for you to spend time with your friends and have your goodbyes. You did say your goodbyes, right?

ACTION:
Boy looks at his smartphone showing a group picture of his friends.

Danny: Yeah...

Woman: I know its been rough. But you'll make new friends. How about this, we will unpack and set the room just how you like it. Just look around.

Danny: Sure mom. Whatever you say.

Man: Oh Danny, one more thing. Take this EMF detector. Might as well get some readings for us as you're looking around town. The reason why we moved here was because of the high paranormal activity. This town is known for being the most haunted place in the world and if we're going to disprove the myths of ghosts-

Danny: --Yeah, i got it dad. Just give it here. It's not like i'm going to be making new friends anytime soon, we'll just leave and forget they ever existed.

ACTION:
Danny takes the device out of his dad's hands and walks away with his hands in his pocket and leans in.

DIALOGUE:
Danny's Mom: You should help him through this. We dont normally get to settle in a place. 

Danny's Dad: He may not realize it now, but i'm doing this for him. All our research can take place here, and with this much activity, i wont be finished until we find every piece of evidence.

Danny's Mom: Very well, i'm going to unpack his stuff.

SCENE:
A  foggy park with trees. Danny is walking around with the EMF detector. Some people stare at him.

DIALOGUE:
Danny:

15

Develop Your Story / Re: FNO

« on: August 06, 2015, 01:21:42 AM »

The personality that you want Tara to have, and what people normal act and react, is completely polar opposites. So its a bigger problem. Now, there's nothing wrong with having a distinct personalities, but amnesia comes with a sense of wanting to find out, and really adjusting toward new information.