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Messages - Action Animation

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 22
1
Develop Your Story / Re: Alter Ego ( POLL )
« on: March 19, 2019, 12:43:28 PM »
I would like to apologize, especially to you Robin Ryuu, I should have know better than to go with that title, and honesty meant no harm. This story, odd enough, takes a little inspiration from jekyll and hyde but instead of good and evil personalities, I wanted a more relate-able struggle, like what Action Animation said, to suit her audience.  As the story goes on, its suppose to get deeper.  Unfortunately, I lack common sense and creative writing.  But regardless, this is no excuse, I am very ashamed, and sorry again.  I will learn from this and appreciate your comments.  I just wanted to share a story that maybe some people can relate too and I'm thinking about deleting this (just need to figure that out).

Mistakes are proof your trying ^^ dont be ashamed and walk away^^ for what was learned?^^

Instead do as you say and continue on ^^

Robin only brought it to your attention, she was neither angry or upset with you^^

She just offered feedback of anothers perspective^^

Not like you intended for it to be taken that way

so No harm no foul^^

Anyway the idea still shows promise if you care to persue it ^^

If the names i or others did not fit and your u sure of what to call your story you could just name it

Title pending

Lot of us do it until we hear the perfect words that suit our story^^

So again dont worry about it^^
-Action

2
Manga Art Gallery / Re: Divided Lie Gallery
« on: March 19, 2019, 02:50:41 AM »
The second design looks nice. Love her face.
You making Isekai Fantasy Shonen?

glad you like her :3

glad it appears that way, my story focuses on manipulating the reader using both the design of the cast but also the story hidden behind the initial story ^^

-Action

3
Action Animation, MR Science Director thank you so much for taking the trouble as to reviewing my story. If you can review in here I'll be happy, the format I have written it in is a play. So conveying my messages to the readers won't be that good. My story does start off in a utopian apocalypse like setting with lots of mystery and also new terminology making the prologue that much more confusing. But I'll send it in nevertheless so tell me what you understood from it, if there is anything you speculated and also if the story has a good way of introducing it's characters, conflicts, world building etc....
I have decided to upload the prologue of ReBEarth rather than pages of jaid as I have yet to recieve any reviews on this new story as of yet.

sure if you want me to review it here go ahead and post the story ^^

no worrys so is mine, a mixture of novel and notes to explain what we like out artist to draw^^

sure of course ^^ ill write out notes through the story^^

any story you want reviewed either post here or invite me on drive^^
-Action

4
Welcome Center / Re: Hi! Experienced artist looking for more help.
« on: March 19, 2019, 01:46:55 AM »
" I never went around to drawing the idea that I had since junior high/high school. I’m afraid that it’s too similar to other series that became popular, but I can’t think of anything else."

this mindset plagues many creative minds ^^

and sadly its digs so deep many storys are left untold^^

there is a fine line between a Reskin and similaritys

a reskin is just a story told in the exact same way as a existing story but only
name
locations
powers

renamed or altered in a very small way that changes nothing

basically is a story that takes another story but calling it your own

a similar story
is just a tale told in your own way with elements of what you loved in other storys put on paper

for example
if you like Fairy Tale's feeling of family and Guild quests
then just use those elements

create a cast of charaters that feel real and have chemistry with one another

the guild quest is just a excuse to go on adventures

so then you would just have to write a goal for your MC to travel
could be to just help others along the way
could be to discover parts unknown
could be to solve something of the past

who knows

having a original idea does not ensure success in fact most new ideas try to hard to display what they are

and forget to display who their cast even is

leaving them with no character and above all

boring ^^

me personally, as long as the cast is enjoyable to follow and make me invested

i don't care if its in the most cliche generic story that every exist

it will always be better then a brand new idea but with a cast I don't care to find-out if they succeed or fail

but thats just me^^   

-Action

5
Develop Your Story / Re: Grey: Home for Strays (News Update)
« on: March 19, 2019, 01:26:00 AM »
Figured I should give an update over here. I'm back to working on this series in with both concept art and writing. I'm completely rewriting what I have posted here as I've changed how things proceed.

For now I think I've settled on Grey being a light novel with a comic adaption farther in the future (likely after I've graduated in two years and can hire an assistant to help with the art). Tentatively I'm looking at publishing the written version series on Tapas, starting early June (I have a lot of work ahead of me).

Due to potential spoilers and the like I will likely not be publicly posting my writing here anymore. That said, for those who are still willing to review my writing, you are more than welcome to see it through pms or Discord.


your art has become almost indistinguishable from the pros haha, your dragons post blew me away^^

also the mark of any good writer

is to know when their work needs to be rewritten

the fact you see so many issues your past self made

only proves just how far you have come ^^

not to mention this story dates back to 2015

another mark of passion is all i see^^

doubtless you already figured out why Im posting

if you want the same in deph reviews I give others then let me know

our discord is on our signature ^^
-Action

6
Develop Your Story / Re: Split Personalities ( POLL )
« on: March 19, 2019, 01:12:14 AM »
Uh, does this story have anything to do with actual dissociative identity disorder (split personality)? From your summary and story snippet it does not appear so. Please refrain from using disorders without doing research first. I know someone (a family member) with D.I.D. and it is nothing to be associated with simple lifestyle/hobby desires. D.I.D. stems from intense childhood trauma and changes between alters are (normally) involuntary and random (and there's usually more than a single alter).

Alternatively you can go the route of having a secret identity or make it supernatural with actually two souls.



i'm sure she ment no harm by it^^

still Robin is right about the title being misleading

but its also very vague  ^^

perhaps another title might help distinguish it a bit better and give a firmer grasp on the story itself^^

judging from the premise it seems shes the same person but changes her personality to suit her "Audience"

apologize in advance, if your eyes roll

this type of thing is out of my element^^

Musical Mask
-to imply the Musical arts and the mask being who she hides from both her fans and family

The String Between the Soul
-to use your two souls idea, how the passion of Music splits the MC from who she is and who she must appear to be

all I could think of at the moment
hopefully it helped^^

p.s If not i voted for Alter Ego on the poll as it was the closest i could find^^
-Action

7
Develop Your Story / Re: Toxic's Untitled WIP
« on: March 19, 2019, 12:56:53 AM »
this premise does show potential^^

i understand the struggles of writing a story and world that both you and your readers can see^^

all it takes is practice for it all to fall into place ^^

so if your really serious about writing and have that burning passion to create

I'd love to help review and/or help brainstorm a plot you'd love to write

look forward to your response^^
-Action 

8
"but i think it's time i look for some hardcore critics to mess me up badly. I am looking for collective criticism on my two ongoing stories and potential interested and talented, passionate partners to put these works to life. "

you have my full attention ^^

I too seek such careful analysis on my own story's

if you want me to give a in depth review of your work, all I ask is where would you like me to send it?^^
-Action

9
Develop Your Story / Re: Underworlders
« on: March 18, 2019, 11:56:08 PM »
seems this is still a current project of yours^^

your premise does leave me a bit curious ^^

are you looking to be reviewed?

if your serious about this project then I'd be happy to make a full review of your story

if you are interested, where would you like me to post it?

i could do it here or if you have google drive i can post my review there

looking forward to your response ^^
-Action

10
Manga Creations / Re: Dragon Universe [Reworked]
« on: March 18, 2019, 11:43:12 PM »
don't hold back on him MR, give him your best^^

reviews and critiques are the only way we can improve^^

i look forward to a new reviewer with a fresh perspective^^
-Action

11
Manga Art Gallery / Re: Divided Lie Gallery
« on: March 18, 2019, 11:39:41 PM »
posted Akairy (Short hair) Version that she gets in episode 5 ^^
currently its also a sketch hope you enjoy

@Keanfox
your close glad you noticed that the cloak is more then it appears^^

@Mahluaandmilk
glad you enjoyed, haha its actully Animation who drew this up
you actually noticed a key element with your expectations on the story style ^^
the fact it looks like a generic anime does give me wiggle room turn the genre on its head^^ 

@Suuper-san
thank you it is fantasy esk eh?^^

not quite jagged per say but I hope to show you very soon ^^ glad you liked

-Action

12
break Room / Re: The Status Of Our Fellow Raiders
« on: March 04, 2019, 10:15:23 PM »
Boy do I have a lot of catching up to do. I got a job, took psych leave from university, started getting help, and now things are finally starting to stabilize. I might even be able to go back as a part time student this fall, so as I can afford rent and stuff being part time as well.

I also, as I might've mentioned on Ecchiworld, I now have two lovely little submissives. I'm an official domme! Gods, life is so weird...

For the record you pervs, only one of those has any romantic inclinations.

---

Long story short, my life got way off track, but I'm building a new one. That may mean more updates on my cosplay group and my MRverse, and maybe even my art!

I may even start to be like other youngins and use my phone to keep updated around here, but gods, my work breaks are short.


that is one hell of a update haha

how did it ever start?

glad to see your back^^
-Action

13
Manga Creations / Re: Dragon Universe (Shonen)
« on: March 04, 2019, 09:51:12 PM »
Spoiler
Chapter 2: “Freeway”

(The scene opens up to the words “A few hours later” with Yuki, on a futuristic looking bullet train. The train is mostly empty, with about three other random people around. She’s reading a comic book.

+

Where did she suddenly get a comic book?

She didn't leave with one

nor purchase one from the store

And she left for the train at the end of CH1

So she’s only been on this train since
 
+

Her coat is zipped up, and she's sitting as far away as possible from the other passengers. One of the other passengers is Hitachi, with his cloak and hood on. His sword has its bandages on it again,

+
Thought you said in both the feedback and even in the story

With the woodland thug that hitachi sword was a issue

But here he is with the giant sword and nobody bats a eye

Even if it's has bandages

It won't change its shape

I don't want to harp on the crime issue because i feel i made it clear in ch 1

But it keeps popping up

Because if you want us to feel that crime is a threat or even a problem

How can we get that if the public does not seem to care at all

And if they don't care

why should the reader?

People are aware of the crime spree

But when a hooded guy wielding a bandaged up sword walks into a train full of common people

Nobody has issues with this?

Nobody at all?

And you said this sword is very heavy

Fair enough

So say it weighs 200 lbs

That kids every footstep would be noticable

Even if the public was somehow convinced what he had was not a sword but something else

They wouldnt question it?

Heck, in the manga you posted

 it's almost bigger then hitachi body

Because even if he could lift it with ease

That does not make the sword lighter

Plus

I thought Yuki was going home

Least i assume from chapter 1 as she only went for snacks

So from the city to her forest house

And i thought Hitachi was going to the city to find a place to live

So from the forest to the city

So how are they on the same train?

It raises questions

If hitachi is here

That means somehow

Offscreen

Hitachi made it to the city

A city under a crime wave

With plans to go to DU

But as you and the thug established he would get in trouble

But for some reason  despite being in the city

hitachi

Got a ticket

Got on a train

That was going outside the city, And back to the forest

[because Yuki does not live in the city it seems]

But why?

He just left the wood to get to the city

Unless this train just goes deeper into the city where Hitatich wants to go

But then

Why did Yuki panicked at the end of ch1 to get on a train that would take her farther from her home?

Obviously not to socialise despite what we saw in CH1 with bryan and how chatty she is

Here she's back to being by herself

+

keeping it hidden from the other passengers. One of the other passengers is an old man, Kimichi Regold, who’s reading a newspaper. He also has a briefcase, tucked under his seat. A simple panel should focus on it. The train seems to be doing fine, but after a shot of Regold reading, he looks concerned after hearing a knock from behind him. He turns his head to face the window, to see Teddy, waving. Startled, considering how fast the train is moving, Regold gets up and falls on his ass, facing Teddy. Yuki and Hitachi, both at opposite ends of that section of the train, notice Teddy. Teddy then chuckles to himself, places his hand gently on the glass, and within a split second blows the entire train off the rails. As the train is flying off, (by the way the train is up somewhere high, like an elevated railroad about halfway up skyscrapers,)

+

Again sorry but why is the public transit active during a crime spree

Even in our time

When a gang fight happens or terrorist attack

The police shut down all traffic to the area to keep the public safe

If this was the first strike

 fine

that adds up why it happened

But it's not

Again this is a crime wave

A well documented well known crime wave

Having no cops or DU does not matter

In fact

It should go double here

Especially when it's as high as you say

If the police are having so much trouble keeping up

Why would they let the public transit keep going?

Would it not be easier to just freeze it until they gain control?

Even if this is some corrupt justice system who needs it to go this way

And knows that it makes it hard on their cops to arrive

It still does not add up

Because why would the public be so casual knowing there riding in something with no defenses while their city is in chaos?

And even if it's a corrupted official

No cops do anything?

If you were told by your police captain

Yeah our city is under attack by the worst spree of crime we ever encountered

But were going to do nothing to keep the public safe

If fact were going to make it even more difficult on you

 by allowing them to be easy targets Letting them go in and out of this dangerous city

Not one cop would disobey and catch a ride in a train or hell disobey a order and shut down the transit?

Not even a senior DU who apparently has even more power then a officer?


+


Yuki is seen smacking into the back of the Train, and Hitachi is seen bracing himself for impact. The train, once it hits the ground, is on fire, with a wide shot of the crash. The train landed in an empty street, with other buildings nearby a bit damaged from the train’s impact. Yuki is seen, waking up after the crash on the ground. She is covered in soot and ash, and as she raises her head she sees Hitachi battling against Teddy, The scene she first sees is Hitachi, with his hood off, swinging his sword full force with one hand at Teddy, who simply repels it with his hand while grinning.)

+

How is their a empty street?

It's not a country road

You described it as NY and tokyo

The citys that never sleep

A booming city on top of that

Not to mention it's in broad daylight

When most people are awake

And since the police have done nothing to keep the public safe and allows them to go where ever they want

How could this enormous populated city have even one empty street?

Actully you even mention this is a freeway

Plus it was in the sky

If the law is spread thin

That means they are not centered in one area

But sprinkled throughout the city

If even one saw something wouldn't this get swarmed in a instant?

The clerk called the cops

and in the short time yuki bought the candy

and left the store

A swarm of cops arrived

And that was for one beat up defeated

 human thug

How is it possible the fight lasts this long?


+

Yuki:( What the… What the *censored* just happened?)

(Yuki focuses on Hitachi for a second.)

Yuki: (Who the hell is that? Is he an Officer?)

(Yuki suddenly places her hand on her forehead, wincing.)

Yuki: Ghaa… (Jeez, I must have hit my head at some point…)

(Yuki looks back at the train wreck behind her, and notices Regold still knocked out trapped inside.)

Yuki: Wait… Oh my god…!

(Yuki struggles in pain as she raises to her feet, wobbling. She starts to head for the wreck, towards Regold. The scene now shows Hitachi, sweating a bit and looking annoyed. Teddy is laughing wickedly.)

Teddy: Oh man, of all the people on the Freeway, I wasn’t expecting a student!

+

Why not?

The DU is helping the cops against the crime wave

Meaning there is DU everywhere

How could he not expect this?

It's not like he attacked the train when it was out of the public eye

If they wanted gold or whatever he had in that briefcase

Why would they make their crime into a giant fireball

They wanted to be known it seems

So whats is there to be unexpected?

The reason i bring this up is you show cause and effect but it does not match

You  implies that these guys knew the DU and cops don't ride trains

But the government
Police force
DU

Never considered that during the crime wave the transit they never bother guarding would be attacked?

But then we see The train being empty showing that the public fears going on it

Except a few we saw before

So the public are aware of the danger but not the law?

One shows a reaction to the crime spree

The other does not

+

(Hitachi is bleeding a bit from the mouth, and as he wipes it he thinks to himself.)

Hitachi: (Who the hell is this guy, and what the hell is his Talent?!)

(A distorted image of Teddy, posed as if he's about to Repel something flashes in Hitachi’s mind.)

Hitachi: (I’ve never seen anything like it… It’s like my sword is bouncing off of him like it's made of rubber…)

Teddy: Hellooooo? You there hot shot? (Coming from out of view)

(Hitachi snaps back into reality, to Teddy in his face, his right palm an inch or so away from his face.)

Hitachi: Wha-?!

(Teddy repels Hitachi back, making him fly and crash besides Yuki, who was just pulling Regold out of the wreck. Yuki braces herself a bit, covering her face from the dust from Hitachi’s impact. When she looks, Hitachi is wounded severely, bleeding from his forehead, down. Most of his cloak has been blown away, with his normal outfit starting to tear.)

Yuki: Hey! You ok?!

(Hitachi slowly raises his head with a pissed off expression, not facing Yuki.)

Hitachi: Do I look ok!? Chick, whats your Talent?

Yuki: Huh?

(Hitachi turns only his head to face her, while still sitting in the debris of his crash.)

Hitachi: What’s your Talent? I’m trying to come up with a strategy.

Yuki: Well… um… I’m ok with a stick or sword but… I don’t-

+

Yuki knows of the crime spree

If a simple stick would do

Why wouldn't she bring one from the forest?

A stick wouldn't raise any eyebrows

hitachi can bring a giant blade and nobody is bothered

we just saw her rocket a coin into the sky

Why wouldn't she bring some change as improve bullets?

even a small rock would be deadly in her hands

If she left overconfident

Fine

But she saw herself how bad crime is

Unless she stole that comic

She should have some cash no?

Again you say this super power is recent but Yuki acts like she does not care for it

And bring nothing for it

Even just to play around with it

At least hitachi carries the sword

Something his talent could use

+

Hitachi: Perfect. Just get behind that guy while I distract him, Ok?

Yuki: What?! Dude, I understand we aren't in the best situation, but this man needs help and-

(Hitachi’s eyes narrow.)

Hitachi: Do you want to die?

+

Why is she so frazzled?

She went to a crime spree city

With nothing to defend herself

So obviously she thinks she's tough hence the Bitch talk

All that happened was she hit her head

Not like the guy cause the damage it was the crash

And all teddy did was repel attacks

Clearly he can be hit as hitachi is repealed

But for some reason hitachi keeps using his sword despite it not working

But his talent is not in his blade

He has super strength

If he can grip a super heavy sword and use it like it was a feather

Couldn't he grip teddy and just throw him? Seeing as teddy needs to be close? To either repel or attack?

I don't understand why hitachi keeps using a weapon that has no effect

If he was a dumb brute

Fine

It adds up

But then we see him create a strategy immediately

So you're implying that he's quick witted in combat

But that's not what we see

On top of that

Why do they stay?

Pride?

Not like they are DU

If Yuki wants to move that guy to the hospital then why doesn't she?

A moment ago Yuki was just as cofrintatinal as Hitachi

Again she was willing to beat up a stranger over a candy bar

Implying she has a short fuse

Hitachi remains consistent from when we last saw him

But Yuki is shaking?

She will go into a fit of rage over candy

She will be collected when a thug presents himself as a threat

But when another criminal does the same she is this unerved?

Plus

You implied she could read people

Apparently she is pretty good the way she called out gun thug

And did not even flinch

But she didnt notice how empty the train is?

She must have

She sat away from the few people on it

She wouldn't be able to tell something was up?

All teddy did was attack a near empty train

What happen to Yuki deduction?

If teddy wanted a body count he wouldn't be here

+


(Yuki shuts up, eyes widened and a bit shaken up.)

Hitachi: If not, do as I say and we might have a shot. Now once I charge at him, go. Got it?
(Yuki is still shaken up, but she nods. The scene switches to Teddy, who is now looking around the area.)

+

That didnt explain anything

All hitachi said was
Get behind him
If you don't want to die
Do as I say
I’ll charge at him
And you go

How does he expect Yuki to sneak around Teddy on a freeway?

And if the situation was so desperate

That hitachi would look to a stranger for help

Despite her shaking like a leaf

And actually trust her with his life

A stranger who just said her superpower is that she was good with a blade

Although oddly not strengh like she told bryan

Hitachi wouldn't give her the blade?

And him the pipe?

If he trusts she wouldn't run away

Why can't he trust her with the sword?

I assume it's special to him but if hes this desperate why would that matter?
 
Plus

Teddy can only reflect if it hits his hand

Meaning all else is vulnerable

Hitachi could just grab teddy and throw him

And again

If they were knocked away to the point that teddy was looking for them

On a freeway?

Why don't they run?

They have no stake in this fight and the city is crawing with the law

Yuki made it clear this guy is dying

Not sure about the others inside but i assume she knows there were there

So pride should not be a factor when they have a chance to get away

Instead of sneaking up on this guy why didn't they use that time to get out of there and save a man's life?

If hitachi is to proud fine, not sure why seeing as he wants a low profile

And is doing everything that will get him noticed

But yuki has made it clear she wants to help this dying man
 
+

Teddy: Where the hell did I send that kid packing? I didn’t even mean to send him so far! Oh well, I guess he probably didn’t survive it, better contact-

++

Why is this city so empty?

It was a empty street

Then teddy said It was the freeway

Then teddy smack hitachi

And somehow lost him

how?

It's a empty road/freeway

What is blocking his view?

If it's barren with no people

Then how is it in the city?

If it's a empty street in the city

Perhaps buildings and such providing cover for Hitachi and Yuki to sneak attack

Then why are there buildings with no people?

If the freeway/ road was closed off due to crime

Then why do they allow the train to go over it?




+

(Teddy turns suddenly to see Hitachi, his sword swinging down at Teddy. Caught off guard, Teddy touches the ground and sends himself a few feet away, just in time to dodge the attack. Hitachi is breathing heavily, with a serious expression.)

Hitachi: (So that's it… His Talent. Then my plan will work.)

(Teddy looks pissed, holding his chest where his heart would be like he had a heart attack.)

Teddy: Dear god, you scared me, you goddamn cockroach! How the hell did you survive my attack!?

(Hitachi says nothing, but lowers his sword to about his knees, with the end of the sword facing Teddy.)

Teddy: You're not gonna get another chance like that, sorry to say. You’ve wasted enough of my time as it is.

(Teddy gets in position to launch himself at Hitachi, lowering his hands to the ground.)

Hitachi: Now! The legs!

(Teddy looks confused, raising up slightly, then turning his head around to see Yuki with a slim, steel bar from the debris. She sweeps the legs from behind, making Teddy trip and begin to fall.

+

So a hollow pipe had enough force to knock teddy off his feet

But when a strength type talant user with a giant heavy sword

Swings full force

Teddy just does not budge?

Sure his hands could reflect

But does that mean the weight of the object is absorbed as well?

It wouldnt just push him?

Also is Hitachi blade still bandaged up?

If so

Why wouldn't he unravel it?

Obviously the bandaged blade has no effect

So why keep using it if he is portrayed as quick witted in battle?

Especially If he is this close to dying

That he look to a stranger for help to save his life

Instead of trying something different

You implied in ch1 he was a loner

So obviously he had to deal with problems himself for a long while

With no back up

That Implies he had to adapt to beat every challenge on his lonesome

But at the turn of the hat

he is a team player?

He was only smacked once

That was enough to know he was outclassed?

He didn't want to try switching tactics or handle it on his own as he explained to the thug?

unless

If it was unraveled

And teddy hand talent absorbed both the blade edge and it's weight

Then how is he not cut in half from that clean shot from hitachi?

If Teddy can absorb with his entire body

Then how did Yuki sweep him off his feet when a giant sword and a strength user could not?

 
+


Before Teddy hits the ground, Hitachi rushes at him, his sword still lowered to his knees. Once Hitachi reaches Teddy, still charging at him, he starts to curve his sword up to try and catch Teddy.)

Teddy: (Yeah, ok!! I’ll just send that sword right back at you!)

(Teddy puts his hands out to try and stop the sword, but Hitachi curves the sword between Teddy’s arms, and raises his sword up, uppercutting Teddy. The force of the uppercut sends Teddy flying, so far that he lands a about a yard away from Hitachi and Yuki. All of this happened as Teddy was mid trip, by the way. The scene shows Teddy land with a loud thud, on his back. His face falls back to reveal he’s knocked out, defeated. Then it goes back to the other two. Yuki places the pipe down on the floor, using it as support to keep herself up. Hitachi plants his sword firmly in the ground, and walks over to Yuki, one hand on his hip. Even though he's bleeding severely, he keeps his composure. He looks at Yuki with concern.)

+

Yuki was shaken from the thought of dying from teddy

But now she's just hurt

But it's like the shaken yuki didn't even exist

She overcame her fear immediately

If she was not afraid and just happen to shake up

Then why was so compliant to someone that she would follow his orders and put herself in danger when they could both just get away


+

Hitachi: You alright? Come on, we need to get you to a doctor.

(Yuki looks at Hitachi in disbelief.)

Yuki: Me!? You're the one who's bleeding a damn waterfall!

(Hitachi looks confused, then touches his forehead, and looks at the blood on his hand. He doesn't appear to be phased by it.)

Hitachi: Huh, guess I am, aren’t I? Then I guess we both need to see a doctor.

(Yuki is speechless, but then remembers Regold, and turns towards where she left him. He is on the ground, slouched over by a wall of a building.)

Yuki: Our priority should be to help him out first, then ourselves. You seem fine *under her breath: Somehow* , do you mind carrying him?

Hitachi: No problem. Let’s go.

(Hitachi and Yuki go over to the unconscious Regold. Yuki is still using the pipe as if it was a crutch or cane. Hitachi bends down inspect the man, but then wobbles a bit.)

Yuki: Hey, you ok?

(Hitachi goes to grab his sword for support but his hand simply slides off and he falls unconscious. Yuki looks horrified, and she falls to her knees, pushing the pipe aside and attempting to tend to Hitachi.)

Yuki: *censored*, you lost way too much blood… what the hell was going through your head!?

(Yuki pushes some of his hair out of the way on his forehead and attempts to clean him up with her sleeve.)

Yuki: (I need to think of a way to get us help, and quick. These wounds are ridiculous. What the hell was that guy even after… and what was with those weird ears…)

+

How can Yuki not know?

What happened to the deductive side she had in ep1?

And you said yuki was not a complete shut in

Even if she was

She has a TV

Was there really no reports of any animal eared people?

If not

Won't she assume it was a talent user?
+


(The scene shows over Yuki’s shoulder to show that Teddy has disappeared, before switching to a new scene where the cat form of Teddy is sprinting through some of the wreckage. Towards the front of the destroyed train, Shake can be seen sitting on a pile of rubble. He looks up as Teddy stops in front of him. Off panel, Teddy transforms back to his human form, looking pissed off, bleeding from the mouth a bit.)

Shake: Jeez, you ok Teddy? There wasn’t supposed to be soldiers on the train so-

(Still pissed, Teddy wipes the blood spilling from his mouth.)

Teddy: Well there were soldiers, two of ‘em. We need to clear out of here before backup arrives. You got the cargo?

(Shake reluctantly points besides him, to a briefcase with a bit of blood splatter on it.)

Shake: Yeah, I got it. The old guy was pretty hesitant to let it go, but I snatched it from him before anyone else noticed.

(Teddy nods, and sighs.)


Teddy: Alright then, Shake, then let’s book it back to Tai.

(Shake gets up, and Teddy transforms back to his cat from. Shake stays human, and the two walk into a nearby alley way, Shake with the briefcase in hand. The scene switches back to Yuki, who has taken off her coat entirely and tied it around Hitachi’s head, attempting to bandage the wound. She is now tending to Regold. As she is checking to see where he’s hurt, he starts to regain consciousness. He looks around for a second, somewhat out of it, then notices Yuki checking his chest, his coat unbuttoned for her to see. He blushes a bit, concerned.)

+

So they fear the cops?

If they were after the case why didn't teddy just take it?

If he had orders to take it then why waste time with hitachi

And if the case was so important claw would only send 2 people after it?

Or have them attack when he was off the train?

And not draw attention?

On a public transit?

If they were not expecting cops

Then why didnt they just get inside the train

Heck teddy could be in his cat form

Then when they are over the empty road

Teddy goes human

Takes the breifcase

And leaves

Apparently regold is human so what could he do

If teddy is so bold to blow up a train

Then why not just steal it without causing a scene

And

i assume the guy knew his briefcase was important

So why would he board a train during a crime spree?



+

Regold: Um, miss? I think I might be just a bit too old for you…

(Yuki looks at Regold confused, then realized it looked as if she was checking him out, so she blushes a bit as well, and backs off a bit.)

Yuki: N- no way! Creep, do you even know where you are!?

(Regold looks around a bit more, and notices the train a few feet away from them. He sighs, and pulls out his glasses from his coat pocket, and slides them on as his middle finger positions them.)

Regold: So, that furball actually blew us clean off the tracks…

Yuki: You mean the huge guy? Yeah, I think so. I was unconscious for some time, so I have no clue what went down as soon as we hit the ground.

(Yuki looks over at Hitachi.)

Yuki: That dude over there saved both of our asses, I have no clue how…

Regold: I see. Well, I appear to be in decent shape thanks to you two, so I owe you a great deal. You appear to have had your fair share of trouble here as well, so let's see if we can’t find you guys a doctor.

(Regold slowly rises to his feet, Yuki somewhat surprised by his vitality.)

Regold: I’ll grab the boy, you go and see if you can find any help. I’ll be right behind you.

(Yuki nods, and heads off to find any help. Regold picks up Hitachi on his back, Hitachi’s sword on Hitachi’s back tied to him with his bandages. Before following after Yuki, he looks around one more time.)

Regold: (Yup, I knew it. That cat was after the research… I’ll have to fill the others in later.)

(The scene now switches to the three in the hospital, Regold watching over the kids while both are in beds side by side. Yuki is awake, but Hitachi is currently asleep. Yuki is sitting up, her coat on the end of the bed, still bloody from Hitachi. She’s staring at it. Regold sighs, then looks over at Yuki. He is sitting on a chair by her bedside.)

Regold: I should apologise to you two.

Yuki: Huh?

Regold: The whole train thing… that man was after my belongings.

+

If he is the head of the science division

And

KNEW people were after his incredibly important briefcase

Then why would he not be escorted?
Have a weapon?
Have backup
Go somewhere public

+

(Yuki stares at Regold for a second.)

Yuki: What do you mean?

Regold: I think it might be best to introduce myself. I’m Kimichi G. Regold. I’m the head of Regold Science Inc.

(Yuki looks dumbfounded.)

Yuki: What!? No way, the Regold!? Your a legend!

(Regold scratches the back of his head and smirks a bit.)

Regold: I guess I’m a bit famous, aren't I? Sorry, I should have told you sooner, I think-

(Hitachi turns his head towards Regold, awake now but still lying down. He has bandages on his forehead and all around his chest.)
Hitachi: I’ve never heard of you. Mind explaining a bit?

(Regold’s glasses slide off his face a bit, and Yuki has a (T_T) expression on. Regold clears his throat, and adjusts his glasses with his middle finger again.)

Regold: Well, if you really don’t know, Regold Science is the world’s leading science research company. We specialize in everything, from simple day to day equipment to architectural things like buildings and railways, Like the Freeway we were on.

+

So it was a freeway

Then where was everybody?

If this man is a legend

Then why would he carry his documents physically

This is where your tech age works against you

Couldn't he just send a decrypted files to who it needs to go to?

We see they have
TV
News
High advance bullet trains
And other high tech stuff

But they don't have email?

For a man of legend he seems pretty cavalier about the train blowing up

We only saw one part of it

But you said there were a few random people

And only 3 made it out

So i assume the other random people inside just died in the fire

Why didn't yuki try to look for survivors? She saw them in the train

It does not even cross her mind

Also

You pointed out the science division was one of the focus of the attacks

And a man apparently a legend

Just strolls around while their city is in chaos?

Again

He's not some random guy

He's a legend and his fame is known to even Yuki

So why does he not do anything that would prevent himself from being attacked?

Why would he even be left alone during a crime spree?

+

Hitachi: I see. Sorry, I’m not from around here. What is it that the Catman was after?

(Regold folds his arms.)

Regold: I was bringing some blueprints for a new vehicle design to one of my Labs, but that man took it. He’s probably planning on selling it or something…

(Regold sighs.)

Yuki: You should have told us while we were there! We could have gotten the blueprints back for you…

Regold: It’s fine, they weren't anything to special anyways.

+

Then why did he carry it around?

If it was not important to him

And it's not needed immediately

And it's not due by his company

Why have it?

His actions just cost innocent lives left behind on the train

But he does not even seem bothered

+

 I’m more concerned about you two kids. When we checked into this hospital, neither of you were in the computer’s database. Mind explaining why you two don’t have any identification?

+

Then why didnt the police question Yuki at the crime scene but let her walk away with a candy bar?

+

(Yuki looks away, avoiding the question.)

Yuki: Huh, oh jeez, looks like the other kid made a speedy recovery, huh?

Hitachi: The name’s Hitachi Justice. You?

Yuki: Um… Yuki Versai. Sorry, I guess we never really got to introduce ourselves.

Hitachi: You owe me. When the train initially crashed, I was the one who pulled you out when you were unconscious. Actually, you were out for quite a bit, I think you might have hit your head during the crash.

(Yuki blushes a bit.)

Yuki: Oh… well, Thank you. I guess I do owe you one.

Hitachi: You can pay me back by getting me into that school of yours, the military one. I want to become a Soldier, so If you could put in a word for me, that would be great.
(Yuki stares at Hitachi, a bit confused.)

Yuki: I’m, uh… I’m not a Soldier. I honestly thought you were one.

(Hitachi looks disappointed.)


Hitachi: What!? Ah man, I really thought I was going to get a free pass in… well, guess that's my fault for assuming.

(Regold stands up.)

Regold: Well, considering I owe the both of you my life, hows about I put in a word for the both of you? I’m a good friend of the principles. Him and I go way back, I’m sure he would consider you two greatly if I tell him about the whole Freeway incident.

+

So he is not only a legend but is good friends with the DU

So he knows far more about the super powers

So why did he go anywhere alone?

If he is friends with them and even has enough pull to get two people inside

He would have no type of protection?

And why was yuki so desperate to save a life when others died?

No guilt

Nothing

The tone of the room is upbeat

Despite people dying due to someone bringing blueprints that were not important anyway

It makes it really hard to tell how we are to feel

Obviously we should be excited for them

But nobody seems bothered by the attack

They treat it like they stopped simple muggers

It was not a simple strike

It was a fireball of metal 

On a train that is high in the sky for all to see

people died

And seeing no cops are there

Despite them being there almost immediately for a casual store clerk

For one thug

It just makes it hard to feel like this is a vicotry when the
Cops
Cast
Powers
Law
Keep conflicting
 
+

(Both Yuki and Hitachi perk up.)

Yuki: Really, you’d do that for us? Thats awesome!

+

So yuki sits far away from people in a train

Again implying she does not prefer to be with people

But is excited to go to a school full of them?

What changed? From ch1 and 2?

This is the same day

Hitachi remains consistent as this was the goal the entire time

And he shown to be indifferent when it comes to talk to others

+

Hitachi: I’m down for that. Thanks Pops.

Regold:.. I’m not that old, kid. Anywho, yeah, I have to visit him tomorrow for the exams anyways, so how about you two rest up today, and attend tomorrow's written portion of the exam? The physical portion shouldn’t be for another week, so you’ll have time to heal up.

+

but byran said it was in a month

why is it now two days? and then rest in a week?


(Bryan grins stupidly as he fist bumps the air)

Bryan: Awesome! By the way miss, the names Bryan. Yours?

Yuki: Yuki. Yuki Versai.

Bryan: Well then, Yuki, I guess I’ll see you in a month! Don't skimp out on me!

Yuki: Yeah, yeah. Don't worry, I really don't have much else to occupy my time. I'll be there.

was Bryan lied too?

but if hes a fanboy wouldnt he already know on his own?

+

(Regold waves, and the others wave back as he exits the room. Hitachi sits up in his bed, and notices Yuki’s coat.)

Hitachi: Jeez, I didn’t notice all that blood before, are you going to be ok?

Yuki: You mean my coat? Actually, all that blood came from you… I used it to bandage you up.

Hitachi: O- Oh. I see. Sorry about the mess then, I guess.

(Yuki sighs.)

Yuki: It’s fine, I just hope it comes out easy. That coat means a lot to me.

(Hitachi stares at Yuki for a second, then at the coat.)

Hitachi: Was it a gift or something?

Yuki: Yeah, you could say that. Someone really special to me gave it to me when we parted ways a long time ago.

Hitachi: I see… I can respect that. My sword is something that's pretty special to me, for similar reasons.

(The chapter ends on a panel close up of Yuki’s bloody coat.)

END CHAPTER

Hope this helps^^

final thoughts would be that perhaps have a solid system of what you like for us as the reader to to understand

you commented that the next chapter would start to develop the world

but the inconsistency make it hard to follow and only raise questions more and more questions

Because it always seems plot relevant

as most of these conflicts have very simple solutions and could be avoided

but because certain events need to take place

elements of the story continue to change to fit the plots needs

including the cast personality's as well as the villains

making it hard to feel what they feel and understand what they do

And I’ll be stopping my in depth reviews of your chapters here

Chapter 3-8 might as well be a entirely different story despite being only a week later

It is fully centered around young kids with superpowers enrolling into a school to better themself

Taking a exam of rescuing civilians for points

Then a tournament arc

The crime spree is never mentioned again

We never see the city

Nobody talks about it what happened

The teachers don't even seem worried

Not even sure why they are not helping out if there is a crisis

Despite saying the DU force was spread thin

But all we see is a whole bunch of characters with incredible powers

All under complete control

But everyone only talks about the tournament coming up

Hitachi who came to just find a bed and board suddenly is hyper competitive with Yuki out of nowhere

Yuki becomes nice and chatty with everyone despite being a loner avoiding crowds

Then she finds a special telepathic sword that communicates with her

But she treats it so casually despite no weapon doing the same or the fact it was in a school

And carrys on as if this is normal

And she talks to everyone and acts rather friendly

Except when Bryan is involved

We learn hitachi weapon was dull the entire time

The fact he was told carrying a weapon into the city was a problem

Turns out to be completely false as it's never brought up and even encouraged to be used against other kids because the cat lady said it was blunt

Despite it still being a giant heavy slab of iron

And for those 5 chapters nothing about the first 3 had really any point or meaning

there is no world building as it fully focuses on the giant new cast of charters

and the tournament

it just becomes about the school at this point

see bully's with superpowers

and its just a fight after fight with ominous exposition given to us by the telepathic sword 

to be honest

You could have started the story here at ch3 and most issues would go away

No crime spree explains why the school is active and running normal

And why nobody talks about it

We wouldn't know about Yuki or Hitachi flip flop personality

in fact you do in the school what should have been done since chapter one

everyone is introduced so quickly they have to show off their power and move aside for the next person

so it does feel like this is a place where alot of people have powers

I don't mean any of this in a negative way

i wish i could offer more suggestions but even after 8 chapters

and even after you said
however where the manga starts off IS the cause and effect taking place. Give it a few chapters in, and I think you’ll start to see what I mean by that.

i cant name one thing that is not established here

that is later either false, conflicting, forgotten or never happened

and I feel utterly lost in your worlds design that we eventually abandon anyway for this school

and if we just abandon the city after knowing what we know

how can we possibly see any sort of the "cause and effect" you talked about?

when the super power kids dont act like these are new powers recently givin to them

but instead have great control, at least well enough to use in combat against others

That's All i have to say really

if you have any questions about this

 let me know

till next time

- Action

14
Welcome back^^
Sorry this was piled down in the recents^^
Its this still your current project?^^
-Action

15
Manga Art Gallery / Re: Devola's Stuff
« on: March 04, 2019, 03:14:19 AM »
At Long Last You Have A DA!

really is exciting to be able to keep up with your work now haha^^

professional work as always ^^

are you looking for critiques?

if so Animation is a fan of your work too, I could pass the message^^
-Action

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