Terrible grammar ahead!
1. Fit physique filled his uniform to the brim, + Boxer = a prime target for bullying throughout his school life.
2. Throw a punch at the coach.. Yeah, that is a "Nope!". you do not get away with that.
Dang hopped right into it. Ty so much for the criticism, i wish i had it before I started uploading it to royalroad, I wonder if it's ok to change it because you bring up some things I can agree, but let me first get started by defending myself.
It more of a sticky situation type of bullying. The type where they taunt you over and over do whatever they want and if you react back violently, you're weeded out because you're already known for be the "Bad apple." ex: me, my whole middle school was a bunch of punching people and getting in trouble because my last name is Hooker lol. Also I want to say i made it pretty clear this is like a role reversed type of world. The geeks are cool the jocks are bullied, don't matter the size.
Also this doesn't work as an intro to the gang leader. It feels like you felt you had to insert this whole gang leader bit.
Damn, thats kinda facts lol. I put this scene in afterwards because I wanted to make the next episode chapter all comedy. I didn't know exactly how to put it in, but I will contemplate changing this scene now.
4. he was getting corner combo’d by a CPU.. followed up by his god of street fighter story. This doesn't work. People who can rock the best human players just brutalize an arcade machine. Fighting games run through the opponents and then your game is done. They do not have to set the difficulty high to get your money.
I was thinking more of a "I'm using a character I never use and facing Seth the final boss" type deal.
5. "beat-em-ups" Oh, hell no!
I have nothing to say, you called me out and you got me. Might change it, might not, doesn't seem that big of a deal to me since I'm pretty sure the narrator says it anyways.
So we are doing Wreck It Ralph and not My Hero Academia.
AKA the "Everyone is super except the main character who lacks a super power or has one that doesn't work but in the end will find he has the best power of all." shtick.
Nope. Gibby doesn't like his power, death isn't all that fun to experience. He'll be trying to use his power as little as possible. But yes, it is kinda like that cliche, cliches are used often because they work. I feel I'm playing very little into that cliche anyways.
Doesn't work. Wrong size. Sure other people write stuff like this and it doesn't work when they do it either.
Facts. I was trying to set up a joke, but when I wrote the second part of the joke, i felt it was just not funny. I left in the gore scene because I expect to include his other deaths as gore scenes as well. When they happen >.>
now with more "Groundhog's Day"
It won't be like that trust me. Never planned it to be.
Tried to raise red flags? Wait you are not using "The Stupid Secret"
\
No, I hate that cliche more than I hate flashbacks. Flags are like run in's with a character in like visual novels. You want more flags with the girl of your choice as it makes certain events happen you know? He's trying to become friendly with her again, but it's not going in his favor because well her character isn't the nicest for her own reason. dang that was an awful explaination but eh, just know it makes sense.
Gibby sure takes on a lot of stances for a helpless boxer who gets bullied all the time
Everyone has to fight back evenutally.
For his 29th run this doesn't work AT ALL.
He never done this route before. I tried to make it seem like they were once friendly, friendly enough to have him sneak in her room through the window. I reread it and it seem pretty clear that what you're saying, is not what I was trying to say. But also, what I was trying to say isn't exactly written clear as day. I think it's alright enough tho.
plagiarize this bit
BOI
When stealing other people's stuff
Really? I'm using a cliche. I'm using the cliche and turning it so it doesn't happen as it usually does, just to set up a joke that she always in her hoodie.
So why have it? Is it just for the title? Will this become more clear if I read more?
Are you old enough to remember arcades? Noa would be completely out of place there. The only women/girls ever seen there were looking for their children/boyfriends
Firstly, not going un-include women because they weren't in arcades back in the days. This is obvusly not the world we know; bullys are the geeks and games are this worlds sports. This world is more into high-scores than elite teams of gamers playing multiplayer games. Why are the roles reversed? because that's the type of world I wanted to explore.
Now the video games are there because that the landscape. I enjory video games, I think I can make some good jokes from the theme and my knowledge of them while also telling the story I want to tell. If you expect it to only be about gaming, I can warn you now, it's not. It has themes of self-worth, courage and as cliche as it is, loneiness and friendship.
what is a light novel. Yea you're basically right. Usually they have a few pictures in them, and they don't have to be on the internet.
Personally I prefer to know if my house's roof is leaking, it is infested with rats, the couch is made of pure anthrax, and the kitchen is on fire.. and not how pretty my siding is.
Yea, me too. That's why I'm more glad you did this than salty that you're tearing me a new one lol.
Groundhog's Day never explains it.
This ain't groundhogs day. Also being said, I ain't going to explain why everyone has powers, I'm just going to explain how his works. It not some mysterious force, he can use it at his wimp, but he don't want to really.
As I go back through the page it looks like you are considering releasing this somewhere. I would polish it more before thinking about that. You will draw comparisons between your work and others, some of which may not be complimentary.
Wish I heard that before I did. But Yea I only see Scott pilgrim in comparison. Them exploding into coins wasn't REALLY the idea from Scott pilgrim, but Yea it don't matter what my intentions were. That being said, I expanded on the idea enough I think.
. With Groundhog's Day being plagiarized
Never have I seen groundhogs day, but I'm highly sure there's a huge difference here. He has control over his power, the only thing that's a "reset" is the moon falling on earth. He can die any moment leading up to that, but since you don't die often (example, me, I'm alive) he only found his power through that event. He can change his save point anytime, but why would he ever give himself less time.
Gibby vs Marmaduke. How is Marmaduke fighting Gibby at all?
Since you know boxing so much, you know weight matters and a street fight is much different from a boxing match. Plus Gibby was holding back... probably... atleast that what he said. (He was).
"Nerds" pushing around boxers really doesn't work. 1 punch and the pencil neck breaks.
This guy had the body of a barrel with Popeyes arms, no neck lol. But seriously, some "nerds" have powers that could mess someone up bad without even fighting them you know? I haven't introduced a character who does, but in this world of power-ups it's ridiculous to assume everyone would fight with their hands.
So killing is taboo or expected?
As you see later, he doesn't care about killing people. it's a common trope that people who show mercy get them put in sticky situations, I'm trying to show here that he doesn't teach his people to put themselves in those situaiton. That why Noa is so quick to kill off the peeping Gibby who "threatened" her.
They all have super powers right? Why would they show up with trash? Superman never shows up with a broken bottle
I was thinking more realistically lol. Like the situaition where they get in a circle in the character ducks and they all shoot each other. I mean yea that person probably dies too, but if you did start shooting in a circle, you're bound to hurt your mates. I wanted it to be shown that Giovanni was trying to make his crew organized.
5 people cannot adequately deal drugs to a whole city,
LMAO. No, they're more just acting out teens who like to fight. The Pholioshpy of why they form these gangs will be explained. But they are proposed, hyped up to be the strongest fighters and they're taking over the parts of the cities threaten to kill other gangs, which is taboo. If they have the power to do so, I ain't taking the chance to fight them. they're more West Side Story than MS13
I f'ing hated f'ing Scott Pilgrim (the movie).
People read this all they are going to say is "Scott Pilgrim"
I love all of scott pilgrim, but i somehow forgot the last guy bursted into coins. Now looking into it, alot of them bursted into coins huh. Welp I planned to make this a existing problem in the world ( i have acutally) that just recently started. created a underground market and everything.
Maybe Gibby's gift is that he is psychic
"Yea, but Alexander and another member are over here claiming the land. They have been clearing the streets this whole day." said Noa
"You're the other member?" said Gibby
meaning he came to the conclusion that she was helping clear out the streets. Come on now, I'm not your everyday run of the mill rookie.
Alex removed his MMA gloves and stuffed them inside his jacket pocket.
]
Dang.... Maybe I am lol. You 100% got me there.
You’re part of The Greats now and your responsibility is to control the North.
Do I tell you or just let it come up in the story? Assuming you're done reading since you seem very disappointed lmao, They "rule" over the terrority they live in, Alex is the fifth, he'll be the back-up If needed.
Why does she care? She is from another world and has no idea what the coins are
I kinda explained it in the next chapter, but I don't think you will like the explanation because you pointed out a clear flaw. I'll defend it by saying she didn't care about the coins, she was just staying prepared to fight. Also he suggests it's a form of currency, which she knows what currency is. Actually, my explanation ain't as bad as I thought.
The cat was there, it knows if there was dirty play.
He thinks it's a cat. he's just animal talking. Like when you see a dog and you speak to it not expecting it to speak back.
s their power duplication? It seems like every power in the world requires a video game
There's more than just duplicates

But I never really planned for them to all be video game themed. I stopped trying at Scotty's power.
Thanks for the harsh feedback, now I'm rocking back and forward because I want to change so much O.O I'm probably just going to sneak some changes in and continue the uploads because I already started. I myself don't see it being near anything except for Scott pilgrim, that being it's stupid comedy and now I see clearly that them turning into coins came directly from my book memories of Scott pilgrim. I'll ask around and see how petty people think it is that it's the same idea, and I'll get rid of it if enough people say it is. I myself don't think it is.
TBH I kept writing but forgot about this site because no one had posted (not on my thread, just like in the writer section) for a long time. I guess I should upload those chapters >.>