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1

Develop Your Story / Re: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Light Novel?

« on: September 24, 2018, 07:14:59 PM »

Yay, after the hurdle of redoing my first chapter's format, I've finally completed chapter 3. Idk where I'll go from here. I know i'll keep writing this, but I don't know if I should keep posting on forums for critiques or just sign up somewhere to upload it for like weekly updates. Any advice is welcome (seriously I'm stuck on stupid here. Do I buy drawings if I upload it somewhere?)

As always I'd love critique.

Spoiler

“I’ve never been challenged in anything I do. Never has anyone come close to my level; not in academics, games, sports or fighting. All I ever do is search. Search for my equal. Truth be told, it’s the only thing I’ve failed at. You see, where some fail, others succeed. Where those few succeed, I triumph, standing high above even the greatest. In doing so, I’ve only managed to hang myself more comfortably.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“I don’t know. Doesn’t ever great tyrant have to monologue.”
Alex stood with his back to the bruised and battered teen, his long hair surfing through the breeze. He started to pace back and forth impatiently. Lifting his hand, he effortlessly crushed the phone in his hand. “If your crew isn’t here soon, I’ll turn you into coins and use them to kill off my boredom at the arcade.”

Alex was the leader of The Greats, the first gang that managed to take control of a part of the city. The Westside belong to them and with only two members, they are managing to make their presence known over North. Alex was calling out gang leaders with death threats towards their underlings. Killing was taboo, even among the barbaric teens who would beat you bloody and leave you for dead. This warranted a hefty response from the leaders, prompting them to get all hands on deck for the confrontation. This time was no different. Over 20 people sprinted onto the roof, forming a circle around Alex. They were mostly armed with junk that could pass as a usable weapon; trash lids, busted pipes, broken bottles, and a chair. They quickly picked up their fallen friend and he vanished into the gang’s rank. A suited teen entered the circle and looked around.
“You’re all alone. Not a good move on your part.”
“They call me Alexander The Great for a reason.”
“They call me Giovanni for the same reason.” He steps closer to Alex, hands still in his pockets.
“Giovanni huh? Like from Team Rocket.”
“Yup, they hear that name and instantly think of power. This here is my gang, Team Stop It; In this situation, it’ll be referring to your heart.”
“You know it’s not a good name if you have to explain it.” Giovanni turns his back to Alex and starts to walk away.
“I guess that’s enough explaining. Just know, we have to prove we don’t take kindly to threats.” The circle of teens began to collapse on Alex as Giovanni left the roof.

The fight ends just as fast as it started. Surprisingly Giovanni’s gang didn’t run in one at a time, but work as a team, attacking in quick succession after one another. Alex only used this to his advantage, letting the gangs blows fly pass him into other members. It was amidst the chaos that Alex threw his punches. With each punch he took out multiple people, sending them flying into each other. As their numbers dropped, the remaining members started to use their power-ups. Flames and hot tar flew pass Alex as he was superman punching the giant teen. Landing a blow to his foes ankle, he was able to knock the giant down, sending him crashing into the remaining teens. Alex looked around for more prey but found none. He grabs the chair from the hands of an unconscious member, unfolded it, and sat… waiting.

With the newfound silence, Giovanni opened the door. Reality conflicted with his expectations; instead of Alex being defeated, he was the only one still standing.
“Now that the warm-up is over, let us get down to business,” Alex said before standing up.
“So what… what did you come here for? What’s with the needless fighting? Aren’t you a small gang? Wouldn’t controlling the North and the West run you thin?”
“Uh-uh. Talking was what I wanted to do before. I’m warmed up, ain’t no talking out of this.
“Sure… Prepare for trouble then, and make it double.”
Giovanni shadow raised from the ground into an exact copy of himself.
“It’s a reference to pokemon wh-”
“I get the reference.”
“Actually, why stop there?” Now both their shadow grew into another copy. This continued until Alex was once again surrounded.

Unlike the fight before, where the attacks were coordinated yet chaotic, all Giovanni’s attack flowed together perfectly. While two copies rushed Alex from the front, another went for his legs from behind. Alex would have been in loss situation if not for his incredible speed and his mastery of it. With this, he followed the motion of the sweep kick with a spin, reaching a point where the clones kick couldn’t hit. “Low blow,” Alex took a shot at the disrespectful copy, but to no avail. The clone managed to turn into a shadow before he could land a punch. This scene repeated over and over as Alex went on the offense, he was always a bit too late to get a hit off. The ring of Giovannis’ didn’t grow any less either. When one faded away to dodge a punch, another would pop out of the shadows. While Alex may have been getting nowhere, he still hasn’t broken a sweat either.

“Play hide and seek all you want, it shows you’re nothing but a coward.”
[Maybe if I get him to talk, I can find the real one.] Alex plan fell through the gutter when all of the Giovannis’ responded at once.
“I’ve been testing you that’s all.”
“And I passed with flying colors.”
“Yea, your decision making is extremely scary. I noticed you didn’t jump you dodge the sweep,”
“Because in the air you can’t move. I would have been trapped there.”
“Makes you wonder, why your life choices have less thought behind them. Why the sudden change of heart? Why would a nerd like you become a gang leader?”
Silence washed over Alex.
“You were famous, everyone knew you for your gaming skills. You were the talk of the arcades and the meets. No matter where you were from; North, South, East, West, you were on the lookout for the prodigy, Alex. Now you’re in a gang trying to take over the whole city with just Four members.” Giovanni said in disgust.
“Five.”
“Get real nerd. Five isn’t even enough for the Westside alone. Go back to games before you end up in an early grave.”

The conversation was ended early due to the intruder to the circle. Their aura could be felt before they even arrived. Now facing Giovanni was the thief who stole the spotlight, none other than, an alley cat. It brushed it’s black fur up against his legs as he bent down to pet it, Alex watching patiently.
“Hey there Buddy? How was your day? I’m in a fight right now Buddy so run along,” But the cat didn’t. Instead, it hid behind him, scared to death of the soon to arrive second intruder. This intruder came down heavy and breached from the back of the circle. It was Tessa. She now stood side to side with Alex, giving a death stare to the cat. Alex looked back and forth between her and Giovanni.
“Hey, there’s two cosplayers now.” Alex wasted no time pointing out.
“I had sensed more evil among the crowd but did not expect this. That fiend, always with the ambushes.”
Giovanni stood up, not fully understand the situation. “Are you calling Buddy here a fiend? He’s just another alleycat who has taken a liking to me. I’m Giovanni, I’m the fiend. You might not understand, but he completes the get-up. Get it? It’s a refer-”
Alex spoke for them both “We get the reference, but it’s not a white cat.”
“Yea, I wish it was.”
“I am surrounded by evil, I will let you live because of my partner wishes. Surrender now or prepare to fight.”
“That’s my line.”
“What line?”
“Are you like Link cos-player are something?” Giovanni asked, still not grasping the situation
“I am Tessa. I have come from another realm to face an evil even greater than that devil you protect.”
“So you want to get in on this loss?”
“If I understood that correctly, yes.”
“You did not,” Alex replies.

Alex and Tessa make eye contact and at that moment an unspoken prophecy began. Each party could see something in the other. Alex could see her resolve. The courage of this woman outweighed her brain by a lot, but he knew that makes an individual that much more dangerous. Simply by the way she carried herself, he could tell she knew the dance of battle. While in her eyes, she saw his aura. The aura of a man who fought to hurt. To an untrained eye it’d come off as malice, but she knew the aura of malice too well. This was different. [He lives to fight and fights just to fight. To live is to have reason, so a reason he must have.] And he did, which Tessa came to realize. He fought to find an equal, someone who would rise after being hurt to hurt him back or someone that strong to begin with. Tessa wondered if he knew that he just found that, and he did. By the look in his eyes, she saw he knew the dance of battle. So.... they danced.

Alex and Tessa nod at each other before stacking back to back. The fights quickly started up again. The clones rushed them, fading in and out of existence to keep from getting hit by Tessa wide covering sword beams. Even with Tessa’s speed, her sword took time to swing so soon the clones had made it too close to get a full one off. Alex and Tessa begun to dance around the fight, with Giovanni’s focus on two targets, his movements became chaotic, sometimes even out of sync. Alex didn’t throw any punches, he wanted to watch this mysterious girl who had needlessly come to his aid. Still pressured by the short distance between her and her foe, Tessa starts going for jabs with her sword, allowing her to attack back now. But this had gone to her head as a valid method of attacking and Giovanni could see through it. Too focused on jabbing, she was not able to ward off the swarm of clones that had jumped at her from the front. Giovanni ended her streak of dodging with a powerful backhand. Tessa flew to the ground but didn’t stay long, using the momentum to flip over.

[Nice try, but now you have no idea what’s going on in your blindspot till you look and Giovanni isn’t dumb enough to miss that opportunity.] Alex was right. Tessa had barely regained her balance before two clones rushed her from the front. It was the same setup they tried on Alex. Tessa ran into the clones, taking one punch but managing to dodge the second one. [Smart move taking the punches to give you more time to dodge the sweep. Wonder how you saw the sweep coming...] Tessa looked behind her, finally seeing her blind spot, just to be greeted with the incoming sweep. She jumps to the side in the last few seconds. [She didn’t know about the sweep?! Why’d she run into the punches for? She doesn’t know what she’s doing. And now she’s trapped now. How disappointing.]

 Now in the air, unable to dodge, the clones barraged towards her preparing to pounce. Tessa wasn’t out of it yet, from her pocket she pulled out the clawshot and shot it towards a very specific
Giovanni; the real one. Panicked, he creates several clones in front of him to block the shot. Hooking onto the first one sent Tessa flying towards their direction. With a spin and a yell, Tessa rode the wave of Giovannis’, slicing through each of them in a heavenly blade dance, ending with a kick to the chest on the real one. They flew back into a wall where the impact shook the building. The clones begin to vanish from around Alex.

Tessa steps out from the settling dust; Giovanni laid up against the wall, barely conscious. Alex stood relieved that his unspoken rival wasn’t a lost cause.
“Did you finished with a kick for style?”
“No, to keep a promise.”
“Not to kill,” Tessa answered, reading his mind.
“Well, that’ll be your downfall.”
Alex rushed her, but she was ready. They both ran towards each other but Alex speed was unmatched. Alex twirled around her before she could swing and with one punch he finished the job. Giovanni, who was inches away from Tessa with his pocket knife, had been stopped for good. He coughed up some blood before he burst into a pile of coins. The threat of the rival gang disappeared with their leading now dead and the members knocked out. Still, neither Alex nor Tessa could relax.

“Listen, since you did most of the work, why don’t you take him. Buy yourself something nice.”
“I will accept that offer,” she said, but they both didn’t move. It was a poly. A test from Alex to see if she’d let her guard down and she didn’t plan on failing.
“Are you going to pick it up or what?”
“Yes, I will do that… Now…”
Tessa began to circle around the pile of coins, all the while Alex mimicked her movements.
“Don’t be too scared, I don’t bite.”
“All animals act out from time to time,” by the time she finished, they had switched places entirely. The door behind Tessa was flung open but she didn’t even glance that direction. It was Gibby, out of breath and out of place. Not too sure about the situation at first, Gibby slowly understood what was going on.

“You killed one of The Greats Tessa?”
“If I understand the question correctly, yes.”
“You didn’t understand it at all,” Alex interrupted.
“Alex just let it be, Tessa doesn-”
“Don’t speak for her Gibby. Your words have done enough damage. ‘Did you kill a Great’, of course not. Not with your philosophy plaguing her mind. This isn’t some game world where you can playthrough some pacifist run. This is reality, where sparing a life can mean ending your own,” Alex removed his MMA gloves and stuffed them inside his jacket pocket. Finally catching up, Noa makes her way pass Gibby and walks up to Alex. Tessa and Gibby watched in silence as they approached each other and give each other two consecutive fist bumps.

“You’re the other member?!” Emotions flowed through Gibby that he didn’t understand. Noa hadn’t done anything wrong, but he still felt betrayed..
“Yea…” Noa seemed embarrassed that Gibby had learned this way.
“I don’t understand. How did this happen. Noa, please. Alex is not a good person.”
Noa turned away
Alex stepped in, “So that’s how it is huh? Since you have no power-up and no sense of commitment to bettering your fighting, you use your words you hurt people. Not only their feelings but their mindsets as well. THE WORLD ISN’T PERFECT GIBBY!” Alex screamed. “The world is in a constant state of decaying negatively. If we can’t be perfect as a collective, how can you expect us to be perfect alone.” “That’s not what I meant.” Alex turned and walked to Noa who was now looking over the edge of the building. “Look at it Noa. This land now belong to you. You’re part of The Greats now and your responsibility is to control the North. You can’t show weakness. Once you’re part of the team, nothing else matters. It’s us versus the world.”
“That’s just escapism. You’re helping feed into the world you hate.”
“Well what can I say Gibby. Don’t hate the player, hate the game”

Alex made his way to the pile of coins and picked them up. Tessa was still tense. Alex handed the coins to Tessa who complied. “Link has a shield you know,” Alex proclaimed before walking off. Tessa was still confused about Alex and Gibby argument, but she understood one thing.
“I don’t spare lives… I just keep my promises.” Alex didn’t turn around. He exited the rooftop leaving the trio to themselves. Alex had gotten down a flight of stairs before walking pass the cat that made his day.
“You’re the cat that lead that girl to me. I had to kill your owner, he was trying to play dirty.”
“No man owns me,” said the cat in a deep voice that you’d imagine would come from a towering beast.
“Interesting.” Alex didn’t even turn to look at the cat.
“You don’t look too surprised.”
“I’ve seen crazier.”
“You haven’t even seen me.”
Alex stopped and looked at the cat. Even without Tessa’s power to sense aura, he could feel the malice oozing from its very cute being.

2

Develop Your Story / Re: My Idea for a story: Shards

« on: September 24, 2018, 05:28:14 PM »

holy *censored* that was a long one. This was super hard to read, not in a insulting way, just literally. This is in desperate need of formatting. I'm not entirely sure of how you should go about formatting it as a manga script because i wrtite light novels, but I have a some basics that will help. You do start new paragraphs, but you need to press enter twice, it'll be much easier on the eyes. Maybe new paragraph everytime there's a character standpoint switch? Maybe some form of indicator that it's explaining the panel/shot instead of just blending it in with the writing. I caught on after like 3 times but I was confused at first and reread sentences at first just to understand.

Next is the repetitive use of as, before and begin/begun/began. ooh boy, there's a lot of as's in this story. This as problem also go hand in hand with the run on sentence problem. I feel like these are easily solvable because they go hand in hand (Look at me being repetitive :P ) with grammatical issues which I actually have advice on.

I think a good way to solve grammatical issues is to go back and reread your story everytime you begin to write on anything else. This might be the wrong advice, as I reread my stories every day pretty much because I try to write every day; So maybe the advice is to reread the story every day. Doing this you can get inspiration on new and better ways to write your already created sentences. This also helps you spot mistakes in your grammar, I'm usually able to find a mistake or two every time I reread.  I really feel like the repetitive-ness and formatting are the only glaring flaws and those are easily fixable and mistakes that everyone makes. Now time for the PROS

I feel like your strong suit is character interactions and sly jokes. OMFG some of these lines had me near tears, like seriously, I'm in the cafe looking like a crazy person. I was going to go through and pick out my favorite's,  but I quickly found out that almost everytime a character opened their mouths was my favorite, which means as a manga, where your flaws wouldn't show (because those are formatting flaws) this would be killer. Here's like my top 3 tho.

1.  he looks over at the large print hanging on his wall that reads “Johnny's chart for being fashionably late.” At the bottom of the chart reading “8:50 am: Leave the house ten minutes ago.”. - - - Funny and gives us a good taste of his character right at the start.

2.  “It’s gonna be medical mystery when you go into the doctor’s office with two bruised assholes.”. - - - Never heard that one before. Was damn near in tears.

3. You know, they basically have no expiration date, you don’t need to eat them all in one go.”. - - - Omg this bitch funny asf.

I was going to scan through and find more but the formatting hurts my eyes lol. You do such a good job at having the characters stick to their characteristics. I feel like they are trope characters but done really really good. Maybe Mike is a bit too cliche, but with his power and if upcoming development he'll probably get there.

Story-wise, the only problem I had was when the core exploded, it was suppose to be an intense moment, but the lack of explanation of the chaos that ensued right afterward felt like a letdown. It could be a bit more descriptive there. Like it exploded and we're told Johnny is on the ground, but how? Knock back due to the shockwave? Something fell on him? What happened to the glass Jake was looking through? Did Jake fall to the ground? Stuff like that. Oh, I reread the battle part and I feel it's really silly that they leave the girl, but that on them. I hope she gets away now lmao.

oh i forgot. Maybe describe the main characters looks a bit. I know if it's going to be a manga we will see, but idk how big or emo they look. I'll be around for the next part for sure, this was honestly 10x better than I expected once I saw the formatting. keep it up!

3

Develop Your Story / Re: My Idea for a story: Shards

« on: September 18, 2018, 04:34:05 PM »

Als if I sound rude just know I wasn't trying to be rude.

I want to say your writing is very confusing. But I also want to defend it, saying this was just a quick draft. But then again, on the forums, I heard you should look at every writing as an opportunity to improve. Also, you're trying to explain the story to us and it raises a lot more questions. All in all, Imma have to just say this is very confusing, so Imma just try to help with the writing and story overall.

To begin with, I feel like you're skipping over details because it's just a quick explanation, but those details are needed here. I'm about to go on a spree so.

0. Jake becomes suspicious of what? people looking into them? powers popping up? Do they know of their powers yet?
1. Is this where the story starts or will you be writing about the incident?
2. How long after the incident is this?
3. Is Johnny in the car with Jake?
4. Is there a reason why she's bad or we're not supposed to know yet.
5. Why does Jake have bat-gear ( concrete tablet)? is he fighting people already? Just for safety?
6. Did they kill her? If so who? If Jake or Johnny (because they're not in this mysterious group), why are they so nonchalant about killing?
7. Why does Jake have a base? lol
8. Was the scientist in Jake's base or does he come later? Was he there the whole time?


Ok now that we're through that, Imma let you go on the grammatical issues because it is just a quick draft so I suspect you could do better if you tried. So now we're on to arc premise. I'm still unsure of what shards are. The first post says it gives them the ability to bend reality, but then I would argue that fire powers don't fit in that category.

 Sorry I used my hour of reading time so I have to get to writing. I'll see if I can write the rest on my way home today or tomorrow.

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Manga Writer workshop / Re: Same Scene, Different Story

« on: September 17, 2018, 09:01:36 PM »

The man stood at the back of the subway train, his music had taken him out of reality. He was in his on zone, so much so, he hadn't notice the two men who had approached him. They tap him on the shoulder, bringing him back to our realm.

"Hay, We know what you can do." One of the suited man shouted through the sounds of New York City.
"Huh?"
"You know... Phase running."
Hay watched as the suits reached into their jackets. He was already 5 feet off the ground before they could pull out their guns. Their suits were quickly stained with an imprint of Hay's boot. The suits were now in a predicament, with their target now on the run, holding him at gunpoint was no longer an option. They sprung to their feet, this simple arrest was now a full on chase.

The suits ran closely behind Hay. The cart wasn't very long, but the crowd made it seem so. Music filled the air as the sax player song continued. It reached a sudden end as Hay tripped over his tips. "Watch your step." The musican, in search of his change made a barricade for the two pursuers. One made it thru at good pace, the other fell onto the floor, starting an unwanted fight with the musican over the coins.

The doors opened and Hay flew out. Waiting around the station was another suit. He was on the look out, but Hay had slowed down to blend in, fooling him. The two sharply dressed men met up, one out of breath.
"It was a simple hold up, what happened Jay?"
"He hit us before we could pull out the gun."
"You're suppose to already have the gun out. Rookie mistake."
"There he goes Mike!"

The train was already pulling off. " Damn, I'll have to phase run." Mike sprinted through the crowd, color meshed together. Everything became a blur and Mike surfed it. This was Phase Running, blending the world into one fluent object, making your way to your destination before putting it back. He ended up putting the world back together in the middle of the next station over. The throbbing high lingered, but he managed to spot the same man he was chasing before. He managed to tackle him before he could see Mike. Mike turned him around and looked into his eyes.

"You're not Hay..."
"Who the fu*k are you people!"

This was redemptions for failing the writing survival challenge.

5

Develop Your Story / Re: Hikari's Random Gallery of crappy ideas

« on: September 12, 2018, 07:28:55 PM »

I think your series would cast a lot of opportunities to make references to the real world and people love references when they aren't overdone. So I feel you don't have to go full comedy.  Once again, while i feel it's like a basic shonen, those do go far and do good. I'm not doubting this show can't live off that alone, but other elements can help it stand out even more. It has the unique wrestling element, but you could always look for more to add on. Like just example, NOT SUGGUESTION - Muscle fan service. WAY over the top characters (jo-jo style). comedy. reference fan service. 4th wall breaking. super technical explanations. that sort of extra spice that really give your story something unique but familiar to the readers as writing tropes.

2 random things i thought up of when rereading it. Love Love LOVE the finishing moves and how they have names. And also there's a part where it should be put as Yuzu thoughts but it's not. it's right at the end where he talks about them finally making it.

For character creating, I'm kind of weird. Firstly, please remember I'm by no pro. I wrote a few creepypasta's in the past and they weren't good. Right now i'm working on my first real story so i'm not like great [even though my ego says otherwise :)  ] But for character creating I use other characters/tropes and a lot of the time real people as bases for my characters. A lot of my characters are just my opinions personified or a trope with quirk added or the side of someone I know sketched out. I honestly believe characters are just shaped by the story or in the case of a comedy, the joke I'm working towards. Like I put the character who is set by how I created them, set a goal in mind and have my story move my character to that goal and just role-play what my character would do there/say. This might be my ego talking but I think I'm actually really good at this.

You could try this style, like you were saying your character is shaped by his past. This is good, but good characters aren't one dimensional. Let him be shaped by his past and _____. like 'Shaped by his past and total meathead.' or 'shaped by his past and has super-man syndrome'. Once again these are examples, not suggestion, fill in that blank with something you think you have the skill set to act out and fits the character you want to create. Don't commit to this style tho. I've learned that it's VERY hard creating a character who is a lot different from you. While you may be able to still make villains because there's a structure to that, it's hard creating a non-villain character who has conflicting opinions with you that aren't like just totally wrong to have opinions. Like if you're making a character who agrees with Hitler it's probably easy to play out his views because it's such a stupid opinion lol. But if it's like a close debate type opinion it'll be hard for you to play devil's advocate because you don't know it that well, basically. I notice I was going on a tangent so imma stop lol. but yea that how i do it. 

that basically it. I make Light-novels for now because I don't really like scene setting, so it's werid reviewing manga scripts. As a question for you, do you beleive i should just be reviewing the manga as a manga or the whole manga as a script too? And no problem, i'll be around a lot! *tho i'll probably be off for today.

6

Develop Your Story / Re: Hikari's Random Gallery of crappy ideas

« on: September 12, 2018, 05:42:15 PM »

So idk if I should be criticizing it as an outline for a manga or just as a manga. If it was just as a manga it'd eliminate a lot of the problems I have with it. Before I go on let me just say, it's has a really good set up as a shonen, so it's good in that regards. Hands down the best line in it is, " Empire’s women’s division only started a couple years ago, and now they’re showing the world what we can do..." It leaves room for a story line about being a women wrestler, I like setting up options for the future. I don't read or watch sport anime/manga so idk which category it fits in better or was aiming to be. That being said, I like very few shonen's and I don't like wrestling that much so it wouldn't be my type of read tbh. But that doesn't mean I can't try my best at helping. Sorry if I come off as rude, I've been told in the past that I do when giving my opinion and i'm working on that, so hopefully I don't

Judging it as an outline, this was really hard to read. I don't mean it's bad, i mean like actually visually. I believe there are more opportunities to add a spacing between paragraphs(to cut it into sperate paragraphs) like when Yuzu and Ichiro go to Hana match or when Yuzu and Yarai are finish talking. A big problem for me atleast was the decision of having barely any periods (or forgetting them). Idk if you forgot most of them and chose to put some in or if you decided not to include them and accidentally put them in for some. This causing a problem for me when reading because sometimes it looks like the description that comes after someone talking is just part of them talking (if that makes sense).

"Yuzu: (With a bewildered look on his face as he stares at Ichiro) Why do you look so proud when you haven’t done anything (He thinks)
Just after this it is a full panel of Hana catching a moving Kimi in a Step-Up Enzuigiri (basically a jumping kick to the back of the head), Kimi falls limp onto her knees and slumps, so her head falls "

That the main one I noticed it on and there were like 2 more down the page, but I don't wanna find them... bit due to laziness bit due to the spacing problem i mention before. While I don't suggest correcting the period problem for this already written one (I've done it before, it's such a drag), I do believe that making it easier for your readers/critiquers to read can encourage them to continue reading through.

Side note, you did a really good job of describing what was going on in the fight. I felt like except for two parts, I kept up with the entire fight with little difficulty, which is a miracle for me lol. I know a bit of wrestling so I knew what some of the basic moves were, but some I didn't know.

As a manga tho? This seems really solid. To list a few things that I feel were really good.
1. The women quote from earlier.

2. I like how you kept Hana match short, It feels like a good pace for an actual manga first chapter.


My critics on it as a manga comes as more of a critic of shonen series as a whole (especially their beginnings). It's super basic, it feels like the beginning of every shonen ever and the tropes characters positions stand out the most. I feel I know their character, but learned nothing about them as a character which happens a lot in the shonens I really don't like. In Hunter x Hunter, we meet Gon and I learn a little about his character atleast, He's a very weird kid, it's unique because not only does he already seem to be over talented (different from the norm), he's also a kid and very child like. This leaves me wondering about the world, which they also do a great job of showing just enough of, it's a weird world, but I can group piece together the world they're trying to sell me even tho it's just a facade, a shroud over our eyes of ALOT of the world. I don't believe that hunter x hunter beginning episodes are good lol, but the first episode does it well and the next episodes do a good job of shrouding what the world is actually like.

In basic ones, they don't give me this satisfaction of knowing the character, they just display the character as a trope the first few episodes. I was going to use naruto, but naruto is the character that started it all for me so lol I'll use fairy tale. Natsu is a hungry, poor, good hearted but cocky MC who enjoys a fight. You can tell what going to happen in the episode before it even happens. All I know about the characters are they are the tropes of shonen characters and I feel that way about your manga as well. Sometimes characters stay as just tropes of a shonen mc and if that what you're going for... you do you lol.

I feel your characters barely display these shonen tropes, that the shonen cliche-ness comes from the story structure itself. This sounds like a good thing for the characters, but since they don't show any character in any different way they are like characters who are only half full, and what they got in them isn't a good anyways.

I was going to type some long explanation on how to fix this, but tbh it's just how shonens work. Crazy enough... IT WORKS ALL THE TIME. so if that's what you're going for, go ahead, can't make you risk losing potential readers for my sake. But what I would recommend is filling your characters in a bit more (Not Ichiro, he's a bit more filled in than Hana and WAY more filled in than Yuzu.), especially the MC, seems like a robot too me lol.

sorry, I realize i just went on a basically pointless rant. Besides it being a lot like ever other shonen beginning, if you don't mind that and you fill up your characters with a bit of personality, the manga version seems very cool.

I feel conflicted on this one point tho. So WWE wrestling is fake, but can be respected because it's not all about the fighting because they can tell a really good story. That being said, they fighting in WWE is really inefficient and over the top. This manga's wrestling seems to be professional wrestling, not traditional. I'm conflicted because we all this type of fighting is for showmanship and isn't actually good. I kind of want an explanation of why they wrestle like this, but in the end it doesn't bug me that much. Some real uptight stickler would probably be bothered but who cares really. I also kind of want professional wrestling to be touched on in the show. Like does it exist?

This concludes my critque. Remember my say is not law, nor did it come from a shonen fan. My favorite part is that it deals with professional wrestlers, the concept I've not seen oftend. If you post any more I'll probably find the time to read it over and review it.

7

Develop Your Story / Re: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Chapther?

« on: September 05, 2018, 07:30:11 PM »

@coryn, understood, thanks. I'm a bit afraid to criticize others. I feel like I'm too opinionated and I'm not always correct. I also feel as though I focus way too much on trying to improve their work rather than how good their work is and I sound real bi***y. I'll try around and see if I can improve on that myself.

@Suuper Thanks for reading I really appreciate it. Firstly, yea I'm going to have to get rid of the names in the first chapter because I made the 2nd and 3rd chapters regular. So that's a daunting task I have to do since it's almost rewriting the whole thing.
Speaking of rewriting, the Persona comparison I was already not feeling, so I'm pretty sure I'm going to just do a regular explanation. I see now that since this is my MC's 30th time using it, he should be able to give a good explanation of how it works, so I'll just hope on the exposition train.

8

Manga Writer workshop / Re: WRITING SURVIAL!!!

« on: August 30, 2018, 07:07:30 PM »

it didn't take long for the main entrance of the bank to fully blossom into the wild west era. The panicked guest were now patrons who was so use to a shootout that they were able to calmly leave. Mr. Baker and his horse jumped the counter where Deshawn's "dead" body lied. Approaching DJ, he grabbed his roped and swung it wildly. The Professor swung the rope at DJ's hands and like magic, they tied him up perfectly. DJ was then dragged along through the tunnel of the vault, that was slowly changing into an old abandoned mine.
 "I'm fine, trust me, God, I'm fine" Claimed DJ as he hit rock after rock.
Trusting in DJ, Emma allowed him to continue being dragged.

9

Manga Writer workshop / Re: WRITING SURVIAL!!!

« on: August 29, 2018, 03:56:59 PM »

That being said, i won't be losing anytime soon.



Those words struck fear into Emma. The words were moving quicker than before, so Emma panicked as they got closer and closer to the top of the screen where the words cut off. She edited the event as best she could.
He wasted no time raising his rifle and landing his first shot into Shawn's chest. The vest secretly kept Shawn alive as he played dead.
She barely got the sentence on screen before the chance was gone. "It's like DJ said, I have to be quick. If I don't manage to put the period down before it gets cut off, It won't change a thing." Emma focused, reading the story as it sprinted on and off the screen. She was ready to edit where she was needed.



Also imma try to keep it short. TRY

10

Manga Writer workshop / Re: WRITING SURVIAL!!!

« on: August 29, 2018, 03:41:48 PM »

I'm so petty that imma ruleshark the S*** outta this game.

However, you may only lose after having posted your 10th paragraph.

*In my VGDunkey voice* IM BACK BABY

11

Manga Writer workshop / Re: WRITING SURVIAL!!!

« on: August 28, 2018, 06:11:02 PM »

Welp, I'm down for whatever exercise I have to do now for failing. I wish I didn't miss that day tho, this exercise was a really good chance to practice by working on another story. Also tyty

12

Develop Your Story / GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique The Second Chapter?

« on: August 28, 2018, 05:59:45 PM »

I'm back. I didn't get many replies to my first one, but I thought I should try again.  After this one I think I'll finish the third chapter before trying my hand at actually releasing it somewhere, so I do appreciate any critique.  In the meantime I think i'll go re-work my first chapter. Thank you in advance!


SUMMARY - In a world where kids are being born with supernatural abilities called power-ups, our main character Gilbert is born without one. That, plus the fact that he was never good at non-fighting game made him a prime target for bullying throughout his school life. But now, during his junior year of highschool, he discovers his true powers. Still, it's isn't all fun and games because his new powers lead him on a world-saving mission that has him wishing he never had any!

Spoiler

Tessa woke up to the rambling befitting of a madman.
“And I let her have the bed. How pathetic, you don’t just give away the bed. The bed should be earned dammit.”
She starts to vaguely remember the night before, returning home with her new partner, believing him at his word when he told her that she was in grave danger.
“If Mom finds out she spent the night, she’ll kill me. If Dad finds out, I’d probably get a pat on the back, but then he’ll tell mom and she’ll kill me.”
“If your mom seeks to kill you, it’s only right that we strike first.”
Gibby turns around to see Tessa, already prepared for a fight.
“So... we’re awake, both fully clothed, talking about murdering my mom. This is the strangest morning after scene I’ve seen.”

With one hand on his hip, Gibby points his finger right at Tessa, a few inches away from her face.
“Listen here. Since this is my house you’re staying in, there are rules that need to be followed understood?”
“Trust is the strongest bond in a partnership and rules help develop that trust.”
“Next time just say yes. And don’t call it a partnership, that sounds weird. First up, the bathroom is the first door on the right. You may ONLY leave this room to use the bathroom, but make it quick and quiet. I have snacks and water here in the room for you. I have a game here for you to play, I think it might help us understand this whole situation. I’ll be back in seven hours, then we can figure this out, okay?”
Tessa nodded, but Gibby didn’t believe she really understood. He exited out his door, leaving Tessa there alone. Not even five seconds later, Gibby swung the door back open.
“Okay, if you have to leave just don’t be a nuisance to anyone okay?”
“I will not leave.”
Gibby stared at her in the eyes.
“When you leave, don’t kill anyone either. Not because killing off the evil people is bad, but because you're not judge and executioner. Plus actions have consequences here.” Gibby kept a straight face through that bold-faced lie.
“And if you see a blonde hair, emo looking girl in a hoodie, remember to tell me.”
Gibby rushed out. He turned around to look at the window. He knew this wasn’t going to end well.

Tessa peaked out the window and caught a glimpse of Gibby walking away.
“Where does a man spend seven hours where a female can not? I can only imagine some type of gentlemen club.”
Before Tessa finished spying, a cat appears right outside the window. The black cat hissed at Tessa, who had now determined that this feline could only be up to no good. The cat made it way up the house, with Tessa following shortly behind. They both balanced atop the roof of the house. Tessa could sense that this was a being of pure evil.
“This house is under my protection fiend.”
Tessa sprung to action, running full speed at the cat. Fully prepared the cat ran, but Tessa speed and mobility matched that of the cat. The two played a game of tag, spanning across the roof of numerous houses. Their game only ended once Tessa chased him to an alley where the cat stopped. She had fallen right into his trap. From both sides of the alley, more cats came into view, each hiding an evil presence behind their innocent faces. Tessa was taken aback.
“How does such an army of evil exist?!” Tessa did not back down though. She ran at her foes with a battle-cry. The cats did the same. The bloodbath was only stopped by the sudden opening of a door, splitting each party on different sides. Out stepped Josh, who was very confused by the scene. Josh ignored who he took for a Link cos-player for now, kneeling down and placing down fish for the cats to eat. The large group of cats tore the fish apart swiftly before scattering, leaving only the cat Tessa had presumed to be their leader. Josh began to pet the cat, leaving Tessa even more shocked.

“Have you conquered these small devil-ish lions?”
“You mean the alley-cats? They’re not any different from any other cats. Maybe a bit hungrier.”
“But why does such evil creatures bow down to you simply for food?”
“Well, they're just cats, you know, pets.”
“Pets? Like horses?”
“You know, you ask a lot of questions for such a mysterious girl. Are you supposed to be Link?”
Tessa kneeled before Josh, who she now saw as an amazing conqueror. Josh was flustered by the action.
“No, I am Tessa and I have come from my own land to vanquish a now hidden evil.”
“Please don’t bow it’s embarrassing.”
Tessa rose to her feet
“Well, I’m Josh. Nice to meet you.”
“It is.”
“If you’re looking for a hidden evil could you be talking about the lizardmen who hide among humanity?”
“Do such fiends exist?”
“It’s only a rumor, but I heard that the whole world is run by lizardmen.”
“Interesting. I will look into this during my adventure. Thank you Round One, I believe today you have truly saved me from a lost battle,” she said looking at the cat. Tessa ran off into the streets with a new enemy in mind. Josh wasn’t too sure what had just happened. He looked the cat in its cute face, “Round One huh? Ow. I wonder if Scotty will be at school today.”

[I went to school the other day. I’ll reward myself with the day off.] This was Scotty line of thinking for a lot more days than he’d like to admit, this being one of those days. Due to Doki-Doki, his power-up, school was a huge hassle for him. Minutes can stretch into what feels like hours when Scotty heart beat picks up. While this may have given him the necessary time to think some of his actions through thoroughly, it can make uncomfortable or stressful moments last an eternity. This morning, Scotty was trying to raise some quick money for his gaming fix. Instead, time has slowed to a crawl from his perspective. He was getting chewed out by a customer of his, an older lady who was very disappointed how her lawn turned out last time. She slammed the door after she was done yelling at him. Scotty started his breathing exercises to lower his heart rate.

[Screw her! Does she expect me to get out a ruler and measure out the height of the grass.] Scotty walked over to his mower and tried to start it up, but could not get it to go. Unbeknownst to him, he was blocking the whole sidewalk. Any normal person would just walk around him, so that should tell you a lot about the girl who stood right behind him, waiting. As Scotty gave the cord another pull, his elbow went slamming into her.
“Woah, sorry.”
He turned around to see Tessa, who had blocked the blow with her hand.
“If you did not mean to strike me, why swing at me in the first place.”
“I was just trying to start my lawn mower, but it’s harder to start than unwanted homework."
Tessa was puzzled, “Homework?”
Scotty was also puzzled, “Homework… Like from school.” She shrugged at the notion that what he said would clear up the misunderstanding.
“If you don’t know what that is then you should probably not be skipping school.”
“Ah, school is in session, which begs the question of why a kid like you are not there.”
“Hey, you look younger than me!” Tessa laughs
“That is untrue, you dress young, like a boy who has not seen battle.”
“So are you cosplaying Link or something because Link doesn’t talk.”
“I am Tessa and I’ve have chased a wicked being to this plains” Scott laughs uncontrollably, gaining his revenge. Tessa stands around waiting for his laughter to stop.
“Okay, I need to get back to work, so if you don’t mind.” Tessa watches as he once again tries and fails to start the mower.

“It’s kinda embarrassing if you’re standing right behind me.”
“Yes, it is, for you that is. How do you fail your task repeatedly if this is your work.”
“Trust me, it’s not my fault.”
“What must be done with this device can be done by hand if it won’t work.”
“You can’t cut the grass without it.”
“Ah! You are trying to cut this grass. For spare currency correct?” Scotty nodded.
“Then I shall help you.”
Tessa makes her way to the middle of the yard and drew her wooden sword. Scotty watched, eager to see what she was going to do. [ She'll probably use some sort of power-up, but it still won't be up to this ladies standards.] Tessa raised one leg and with a sudden yell, she pushed off the other getting a perfect spin. From her sword flew a beautiful white energy that sliced through the short grass. And with that done, her spin came to an end. She walked off the freshly cut yard perplexed, "Must be unlucky. Let's try the next patch, maybe we'll get something from there." Scotty, in dismay, fell to his knees.
"Get something? We'll be lucky if we don't have to pay her for this disaster! Look what you did to her yard!" The grass was cut uneven yet very short. So short in fact that the dirt was on top of most patches. The yard had now looked as if someone flipped the entire thing over. Dirt started to rain back onto the field.
"I think 'thank you' is what you seek to say"
"What!? Are you sure about that?! Do you even think?!"
"I think so." Scotty's heart raced as his anger built up.
"If thanks are not coming, I'll be on my way Rude One"
Tessa walked pass Scotty, leaving the mess in his hands. Scotty tried to use the now sluggish time to think of a way out of this, but to no avail. The door to the house swung open so Scotty took off, leaving his lawn mower as evidence. Gibby had no clue how much trouble his new partner was causing while he was at school.

[I know I can re-save at any point, but it's just too dangerous. Since I can only load the most recent save point, it'd be foolish to keep saving everytime I accomplish something. I might put myself in a deadlock situation where I can't change the future no matter what. My safest bet is to keep the save point at the well, especially with Noa and Tessa's unpredictable natures.]
So these are the things Gibby thinks about during class... No wonder he didn't notice the teacher call on him. Marmaduke turns around and slams his fist into Gibby desk, bringing him back to reality.

"Wake up princess." The class joined in Marmaduke's laughter.
"That's enough Marmaduke, keep it up and I'll talk to your coach." Ms. Valerie’s class was about to end so she had very little patience.
"So Gilbert, do you remember?"
"Um, can you restate the question?"
Before Valerie could reply the bell rang and kids began packing up. Valerie lets out a sigh.
"Now remember, tickets to Prom are on sale near the main office."
As Gibby was trying to leave Valerie pulled him to the side.
"I feel like you're here but not here you know? Does this have something to do with Noa skipping school?"
"So you don't actually care about me or the bullying, you just want to know about your teacher's pet."
"Don't say that Gilbert... Name calling isn't nice. Everyone is really worried about Noa, even her parents. You're probably closes to her, why the sudden change?"
"It's just a phase. She doesn't even talk to me anymore so ask someone else."
He walked away, frustrated about the whole conversation.

Gibby turned down the hallway and approached the old soda machine. He didn't trust it one bit. Like every other machine in this school that wasn’t an arcade cabinet, it didn’t work properly. [ It'll probably give me a soda...] Gibby thought before pressing the button for a water.
The can of soda loudly made it way down the dispenser, but before Gibby could grab it, he was pushed to the side by Marmaduke and his gang.

"Hey look Marmadork, a free dew."
"Oh cool, the best kind of drink, a free one." He reached down and grabs the can before clawing at it's impossible to open top.
"I can't open it. Here you can have it" He said looking at Gibby
Gibby extended his hand but was only handed disappointment when Marmaduke passed it back to one of his friends. He ate it whole. Gibby had had enough, "$1.50"
"Oh didn't see you there Ghillie. Sorry, but I didn't drink it, he did."
"$1.50 or I turn that background character into coins."
"Watch who you're calling names buddy!" said the background character.
"Hey shut up for a second Rando, let me handle this," Marmaduke said before stepping up to Gibby who proceed to ready up. Marmaduke laughed at him again, giving Gibby an unpleasant déjà vu.
"I don't get it. you're just a meathead, why do you act so cocky. Someone needs to put you in your place." Marmaduke cracked his knuckles.

Gibby wasted no time, punching Marmaduke and sending him into the soda machine. Marmaduke stood back up, a bit shaken from the gut punch. "How did he throw such a strong punch, I-I thought he was powerless!?" that one guy said.
 "I've practiced boxing."
"That was nothing, now it's my turn to-" Marmaduke couldn't finish due to the next punch. He managed to react, grabbing Gibby's fist.
"You think this is a game jock?"
"You obviously do, talking about turns."
The two went back and forth, trading blows. Marmaduke's power-up, Monkey Business, gave him the strength of Donkey Kong, making the few punches he was able to land that much more devastating. The spectators grew in number as the fight made it way down the hall. It was only stopped when Coach Reggie stepped in, restraining Gibby.
"Save the punches for Punch-Out kid, this is school." Gibby looked around at the crowd they had gathered before snatching his arm from Reggie. Reggie, not wanting his prized pupil to be suspended decided to handle the situation.
"SCRAM GUYS, THIS ISN'T SOME RAID. Get to arcade club Marmaduke, or you'll be playing Tetris when you get there." Marmaduke and Gibby both glared at each other, wiping their bleeding noses.

With the crowd dispersed, the coach pulls Gibby to the side.
"Listen... kid, what's your name."
[I didn't join arcade club this time around so I guess Reggie didn't even bother to learn my name.]
"Gilbert."
"Well Gilbert, tell me what you were thinking. Marmaduke could have killed a jock like you.”
“Yea right, I was the one holding back.”
“Okay… kid, Imma do some explaining to you. Assuming you don't want to get suspended, we'll keep this little rampage of yours on the hush-hush."
"He started it."
"He didn't start anything okay? No-one did. Nothing happened."
"So that's how it is, everyone turns a blind eye to how the nerds treat us jocks at this school huh."
"Well look at you, you're asking for it.  You have to focus on self-improvement. Don't want to get bullied? Better yourself so you're not a target anymore."
"You're awful with advice, you sure you should be a coach?"
"Okay, think about this... kid. What's your next move? All you do is play sports. What are you gonna do when you grow up? What does the future hold for you? You're a  junior already, you got to be planning out your future."
"My future is making sure you even get to have a future!"
"Huh?" 
Gibby stormed off, leaving the coach confused in the hallway. In his fit of rage, Gibby forgot about Tessa at home. He ends up wondering over north for hours, looking for a gang to take his rage out on. He sat in the dark alley till he was found by a familiar face.

"Wassup?" Noa says, this being the first time she has seen Gibby sad.
"Oh, it's you."
"What, you finally understand how much the world sucks?" Noa slumps on the wall next to Gibby.
"Yep. Now I'm looking for someone to take my anger out on."
"You know this is The Great's territory."
"No, we're over north, this is area is under free rein."
"Yea, but Alexander and another member are over here claiming the land. They have been clearing the streets this whole day."
“Whatever, I’ll fight anyone at this point.” Noa manages to contain her laughter, but her covering her mouth gave it away.
“What so funny?”
“I’ve heard Alex and you use to be boxing partners. He said you never won once and you started before him.”
“Well it’s Alex, he’s always the best at what he does. Makes you wonder why he’d become a gang leader.”
“Yea, but, why would you want to fight him right now if you know he’s going to win?” Gibby shook his head
“You won’t understand.” He struggled to think of a way to explain it. “It’s not about winning. It’s like when we use to play Street Fighters. It didn’t matter to me that your pick countered mines or that I’d lose most matches. I just enjoyed playing Zangief. I enjoyed the well fought out match.”
Noa realizes something about Gibby in that moment and smiles.
“You know what? You’re not that bad when you’re not clowning around with Scot-”
“OH *censored* TESSA. Sorry Noa, I'm glad you're alive and all, but I got to find someone before Alex does.” Gibby jumps off the wall, running from alley to alley screaming Tessa’s name. Noa reluctantly followed him. Little did they know Tessa was already in a dangerous dance with Alex.

13

Manga Writer workshop / Re: WRITING SURVIAL!!!

« on: August 24, 2018, 02:46:57 AM »

Just noticed i lost, got too lost in writing my own story lol.

14

Manga Writer workshop / Re: WRITING SURVIAL!!!

« on: August 22, 2018, 07:44:15 PM »

Work still exhausting me. Old half of a story.

They have surrounded him, slowly gathering the intelligence they need to find his exact location. He scrambled around the building looking for an escape route, but they had backup waiting for him outside. He reaches for the vent, prying it open with one of the 6 tentacles he had left. He climbs up and oozes his way through the system til he reached the basement. He knew the gate leading to the basement was sealed off with rumble from the earlier fights. He drops into the room and scans it for anything else that might be lurking. He sensed something very feight, but couldn't make out anything. He wondered if it could be a corpse from earlier, soul yet to escape. Making his way over to the stairs he is startled to see a long ghastly figure making its way down. He trys to slither away before being noticed, but it was too late. The ghastly creature jumps to action, chopping away with its sharp limbs it used as legs. Trying to use his tentacles to block results in a lost of pair of them. The ghastly being thrusts the top of its upper body downwards, but because of it's length, it makes for an opening. A loud screech is let out from the membrane that swam inside of his body as a new tentacle sprang out. It was sharp enough to cut through to the otherside of the ghast's upper body. He finish by quickly bringing the tentacle back through, making a loop. Air released from the wounds, slowly turning the ghast's bright blue outline to a darker green. The monster stood there with h it's tentacle bound in its body. The wound closed around it's tentacles making the monster have to sacrifice the newly made limb. He was out of stamina, and decided to rest. A ear piercing roar could be heard from the other side of the rumble. Shortly after the rumble start to be moved, they had found him and he was too tired to escape. Eye closed, he rested. If he couldn't escape there, he'll escape another way. It didn't take long for him to drown out the sounds of the world around and go into a slumber.

15

Manga Writer workshop / Re: WRITING SURVIAL!!!

« on: August 21, 2018, 06:38:19 PM »

i'm exhaust so day break from the other story.

There in front of me stood the man who had killed my father all of those years. I won't let him get away with it. the clock struck noon and I drew my gun. He hadn't cleared leather by the time my bullet hit his chest. He stumbled his way to the floor, gasping for air. Slowly, I walked over to him, hoping he was dead before I reached him. I wasn't lucky enough for that, "I hope... you're happy... with yourself... prick." Those were his last words. I wish i could say they went in one ear and out the other, but they didn't. They haunted me all the way to the graveyard. Was I really suppose to be happy with his blood on my hands. I kneel next to my fathers grave and say a prayer. He was now 78, one year younger than his brother who took his life all those years ago. I wonder if he'd be happy with what I did. I murdered his brother in the same way he had killed my father, but instead of a fair duel, he had barely the energy to draw his gun. I pick myself up and walk over to the next grave. There was 5 more to go, one for each of my brothers who failed to avenge dad. I thought the same thing I thought for my father for each of them. Revenge is a cruel mistress.