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1

Develop Your Story / Re: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Light Novel?

« on: October 24, 2018, 04:20:37 PM »

Biology. When women in HS are judging men as acceptable in HS

Naw. In HS people do a lot of things just for popularity. If everyone in this world thought gaming was cool, the best gamers would be more popular. popularity attracts fake friends. So not only would they be getting game from girls who were acutally into games (in this world that would be more than usual.) they'd also get attention from girls buying into HS popularity crap.

but he is 1/10th of a second from paybac

Gibby likes a fair fight, even if he'd lose or if its quicker if he just sucker punch the guy.

This is a hard one to work through and still retain suspension of disbelief.

Might be morals. Might have done that in one of his few tries. Might be that the world ducking ends in a month or 2 so he should probably try to stop that before doing anything dumb, thats atleast the reasoning I'm going off.

pla·gia·rize

I don't know if I want to argue over what would count as plagiarism or not. It seems we're probably just going to be pouring water in each other straws. I would just like to say I don't see using cliches/tropes as plagiarism. paying homage and building on ideas I wouldn't either, like where'd would we be if no one "plagiarised" superpowers?
 

someone said "OMG you took that from Snowcrash

My steam name was FlashBangedYourMom and someone said "you got that from this youtube series" I'm like no... I just came up with it. It was in the series. just random story. That being said I'll watch the movie.

Neither does Noa it seems... or others

Noa is being influenced by Alex and Tessa is "not from this world" she says. No one else has killed.

I expect Akira,

Dang, It's my first story. I'll get there some day. That being said, Lord of the Ring seems to have a world of "other peoples legos"/cliches. Just saying.

I would have stuck with table cabinet (Galga, pacman, etc). Air hockey makes clicks, not loud clanks.. or metal clanks of any sort.
Is it to cover for Tessa being surprised to be beaten in a game of speed, coordination and reflex, instead of a "modern" cab, against someone who was cheating using a power?

Bingo, kinda yea basically. I would argue the sound they makes are clanks, but the literal definition disagrees with me so... clicks it is.

so the only people in the arcade was the few who Gibby desperately tried to get the attention of.

You're reading too deep. I' m just saying he was giving a speech of sorts and he was trying to get their attention but they were too focused on the game.

Gibby has a rival?

In Scotty eyes, doesn't mean it's correct.

Smash bros
they aren't in an arcade. That being said, I go to a bar that's an arcade and it has smash bros hook up on the big screen.

¿que?

It comes up.

I'm still not seeing a reason to face Alex.

Same with Scotty, he doesn't see a reason why either.

formatting is getting a little rough

Tell me more. Are the paragraphs too long or is the mixing of actions and dialog too much?

2

Develop Your Story / Re: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Light Novel?

« on: October 22, 2018, 06:31:17 PM »

Chatper 4.

Spoiler

Gibby stood hopelessly in the arcade. The sound of other patrons enjoying their games was instead replaced with a sharp, clicking staccato. It was school hours, so the only people in the arcade was the few who Gibby desperately tried to get the attention of.
“It’s been a week, and though we took a blow losing Noa, I believe we can still make this work guys. It might seem peaceful over North,” “Way safer,” a voice chimed in only to be ignored. “But it’s just the calm before the storm. We’re on thin ice here; if anyone does anything that ticks Alex off, he won’t show mercy. That’s his motto. He’s as heartless as they come.” His speech fell on deaf ears, the listeners only focusing on the constant clicks that filled the room.
 “Speaking of heartless, what happened to you Tessa? You took advice from Alex and actually bought yourself a shield with that guy's remains?”
“Giovanni.”
“Whatever. He may not have had a family, but what about his gang, what if they wanted a proper burial,” Tessa failed to answer the question, too focused on the task at hand.
“HELLO?!”
“They said to keep his change would only remind them of their lost, their weakness. Plus they are the one that showed me the black market’s middleman to buy from,” she recalled the cloaked figure only remark of ‘What are ya buying?’. “It would be wrong to hunt a bear and not use its pelt. I paid my respect yet you do not even remember his name,” was what she said, but Gibby hearing cut off at ‘black market’.
“You’re using the black market now? It’s only been a week and you’re already corrupted by this city.”
“I will use any means possible to hunt down the wicked one.”
“It’s been 2 weeks since you got here and still no signs of the ‘wicked one.’”
“I was referring to the cat.” Gibby concluded he was getting nowhere. “Any… means… possible.”

“Okay, calm down there Jerry.” Scotty didn’t look up from the table, he clearly had to be in Doki-Doki time to come up with such an awful joke in such a tense spot.
“Next time we’re finding somewhere else to have these meetings, you guys are too distracted.”
“When I said ‘at the table in the arcade’, it was obviously a joke”
“A pretty terrible one. I thought there was an actual table here. Turns out you meant the air hockey table.”
And with that, a loud clank changed the 6-6 score to 6-7. Scotty celebrated his victory loudly. Tessa stood there amazed that she was defeated. The two grade schoolers who were on the sideline watching joined in with Scotty.
“Beat it Scrub.” The two kids turned to the angry Gibby and stuck out their tongues. “Let's go Cake-Walk.” “Sure, but not I’m leaving because he said so. I just want to go.” They finished their taunt with hand-made L and vanished deeper within the arcade.

“Man you guys are useless; Where’s Josh when you need him.”
“Josh goes to school. Plus he’d be on our side anyway.”
“And what side is that?” Scotty took a deep breath trying to calm himself.
“You have no goal, Gibby. What are we going to do, defeat The Greats with the power of friendship? And after that what? The world would magically not end in a month because we beat your rival?”
“It’s worth a shot.”
“I don’t know why you dragged me into this. I’m useless, I’m weaker than you and you don’t even have a power-up,” he said as he was walking away.
“You can not be as bad as you say,” Scotty stopped to hear what Tessa had to say.
“With the demonstration of wit and reactions in this game hockey, you could probably be a good fighter, Rude One.”
“Naw. I just got lucky.” Scotty tried to sell the lie, but Gibby wasn’t going to let him.
“Naw, you just cheated,” Gibby proclaimed
“Cheated?” They both asked in unison.
“ Yea, you use your little power-up whenever you’re about to lose at anything.”
“Use?! Don’t act like I have a choice.”
“So what. You can’t admit to cheating afterward?.”
“No. No no no no, that's not how this is going down. Just because you have no power-up doesn’t mean I should hold back.”
“It was a man to man fight! You had no chance in the battle and no chance with Noa.” both boys were at each other necks at this point.
“I’m not one to throw away my shot.”
“Well good job, you ruined what we had and you’re ruining this friendship by being a stubborn  scaredy cat.”
“... What friendship, we just go to the same arcade.” Scotty and Gibby both walked away from one another, each of them satisfied with the conclusion they reach. Tessa looked back and forth between the two, “what about a cat?” She ended up running to catch up with Scotty, assuming she would see Gibby back at his house.

Tessa caught up to Scotty who was settling in at a House of the Dead machine. The ranking screen was filled with three letter names that consisted of the same letters. When stacked on top of one another they almost spelled out Scott, but the highest score at 87,314 was different than the rest, instead spelling out ‘EZZ’, ruining the stylish stunt. Scotty swiped his membership card and placed one coin on the machine before stuffing the rest into his pocket. Tessa watched for a moment as Scotty breezed through the start of the game.

“You seem to be doing well.”
“Yea, I play this game a lot.”
“I am talking about how well you took that argument.” Scotty continued playing without missing a beat, using his power-up to concentrate fully on both the game and the conversation.
“I was just telling the truth. We both knew Noa, so we hung out. Now that she’s gone, what's the use. I don’t know anything about him besides he’s good at Street Fighters and has no power-up.”
“He says he has a power-up and has seen the future with it.”
“You’re just too gullible. He just made that up so we’d fight his battle for him. He knows what would happen if he faced Alex again so he’s sending us in.”
“Again you say?”
“ Alex and Gibby use to be sparring partners, you didn’t know? Alex was just a nerd before he met Gibby. He was for some reason fascinated with the idea of fighting in real life, so he asked Gibby to train him. That’s when quiet little Alex started to become morbid. All he could talk about was his interest in gangs and fighting. He had only ever fought in the boxing ring, he wanted to go all out, see if someone stood a chance if he used his power-up.” Scotty grew silent with regret, he was over-explaining.
“Did he find someone?” Tessa wanted to hear more and she wasn’t the only one. The two grade-schoolers, Scrub and Cake-walk, were once listening to a story from Scotty.
“Obviously not. He never lost to anyone. Not his first rounds versus Gibby or anyone he could find on the street. He became a legend. He was like a final boss in a fighting game, just too unfair to fight against, so he took precautions and limited himself. To this day he never used his power-up again.”
“And he stopped training with Gibby I assume.”
“Yea, but that was a long time ago. It was when Alex first started becoming louder. He voiced his outlook on the world and Gibby disagreed. So when Alex became a street fighter, Gibby resented him. But it wasn’t until Alex started a gang Gibby called him out. You see, Gibby wants nothing more than a peaceful world, where violence doesn’t go unpunished, so his friend making gang didn’t sit well with him. That’s where Alex and Gibby fought for the last time.” Scotty paused, only for dramatic effect. 
“Then what?”
“He lost.”
“And what of Alex? What was his outlook of the world. What does he want.”
“Who knows. That man is a brick wall now.” silence overtook the audience before the grade schooler erupted into an applause.

“You seem to know a lot about Gibby for someone who does not know anything about him.”
“I heard all that from Alex. We went to the same school before we became delinquents who skip every other day. Now we never see each other.”
“So you knew Gibby from your relationships with Alex and Noa, but you do not see him as a friend.”
“Nope”
“Believable... Tell me about what happened between you two and Noa.”
“I don’t know about that. You’re not my therapist and I’m not a storyteller. You’re gonna have to start paying me for these.”
“I can do that.”
“You already owe me for the lawn mower you caused me to lose.”
“Hurry along Rude One, we all know you love to tell a good story.”
“Yea, you’re right, it’s just… I don’t know the full story. It’s not like the Noa story is complicated, it just hurts to recall and speculate where it all went wrong…” but he tried anyway.

While Scotty reminisced about all their time with Gibby, Noa was enjoying a game of Smash Bros. Link sends the opposing Bowser off the side of Smashville, ending the 4-way match. Noa melts into the couch now that the win is under her belt.  The couch is filled with the other members of The Greats, one a little angrier than the rest. The man towered over them on the couch, barely fitting due to his muscles. He attempts to throw the controller at the tv, but the band wrapped around his wrist sends it flying back into his face.
“I WILL LITERALLY SMASH YOU,” He yelled at the controller that was too small for his hands.
“Haha, right Darius? You’re way too good at games Noa,“ The girl on the other side peeked around the huge arm of Darius to look Noa in the eyes.
“Fighting games are just my thing. You always beat me at foosball.”
“Yea, let's play that next!”
“EVERYTHING IS TOO SMALL! I WANT TO PLAY UNO LYRA!” Darius yelled into her face.
“Fine, but if you use your height advantage to cheat, I’m quitting.”
The gang stood up and formed a very diverse line while making their way to the hideouts table.

Darius was of abnormal size, hanging over the rest. He was brown and nearly shaved bald, wearing a tank top and shorts that were both too small for him. Lyra dressed with very little care about others opinions. She wore a dragon onesie that was all green except at the paw and back spikes, which were orange and yellow respectively. Lyra was about the same height as Noa, who dressed in the usual hoodie and skirt, this time choosing a blue and purple striped hoodie. The last guy looked very out of place. Instead of looking like someone straight out of a cartoon, he looked normal. He was a young Asian man, wearing jeans with a black jacket and white shirt under. He was too distracted by his phone to join in the conversation. Although his face was buried into his screen, he made his way around the place like he knew it all too well. It was probably because it was his basement. They sat at the table, for a moment before Darius returned with the cards, and thus began the longest game Uno they would ever play.

About an hour later, footsteps could be heard upstairs. Everyone knew who it was, but they didn’t expect the guest. Lyra sat her 20 plus cards on the table in frustration. Noa looked about, not certain what changed the status quo. She saw Darius put his couple of cards next to the seven that had never been touched.
“Wassup with you guys?”
“Alex is here, and he’s with… something.” Lyra overreacted, calling forth her bubble sword before opening it and taking out the wand. “Could be dangerous.”

Alex walked down the stairs, managing to keep a straight face as Lyra jumped out from around the corner. “RAWR.” She surprised him with a hug, so he half hugged her back. She held on for way too long, so Alex had to wrestle her off. “Get off Lyra, we have a guest.” Everyone watched as the black cat made it way down the stairs.
“SHE SO *censored*ING CUTE,” Darius said, getting up to pet the cat.
“Slow down there Lennie, Skull doesn’t like to be pet.” Alex chuckled at his own joke a bit, thinking about how close he sounded to Scotty.
“That’s a dumb name for such a harmless cat.” Noa bent down and beckon the cat over to her.
“Quiet peasant. You do not know of your ignorance so you will be forgiven.” The cat shocked the room with its thunderous voice. Noa didn’t seem to happy about the insult. “I am Skull Cat, but you may call me Skull for short. I am not from your world and I don’t pussyfoot around. I want to end this world so I may become powerful another to end my own.” The more he talked, the more wicked his cute yet unchanging face seemed. “I promise your safety, in return, I will use you as my pawns. Slowly as I get to know you, I expect someone out of you bunch of lowly weak-realmers to prove yourself above the rest. When such a feat happens, I will allow you to become my host, using your body as a tool to channel my magic through.” The gang's feelings towards the cat made a complete 180. He was met with glares from most the members. “Let's do it, guys!”

Everyone turned to Alex, who seemed sold on Skull’s ridiculous plan. “Come on, doesn’t it seem fun?”
“What the hell are you talking about. We should kill this rodent before he escapes and follow thru with the plan with some other gang,” Noa said as she created 2 dogs on each side of Skull. Skull showed fear and back up against the wall.
“Hold on you no brain scum. I’m enlisting your help because this body is weak, I can not pass this trail.”
“We don’t even let Darius get away with insults like that.”
“I WILL BEAR HUG YOU TO DEATH. BAD KITTY!”
“Hold on guys, let’s have a quick huddle and then let’s decide.” Alex stepped over to his gang, putting his arms around the ladies and leading this over to the table.
“But but.”
“I can’t let him escape, he’s trying to destroy the world, Alex.”
“Noa just sit down and listen for a sec’.”

The group whispered among each other, making sure Skull couldn’t hear a word.
“Okay, just listen. This cat is weak. He can’t do nothing alone, he’s been living with me for a week and been in this world for two and hasn’t been able to do nothing but run. He needs us, all we need to do is fake like we’re his pawns.”
“WHAT’S IN IT FOR US,” Darius yelled, prompting everyone to shush him.
“You guys? You get nothing. It’s just a me thing this time. But, I’ll owe you guys for doing this. Just pretend for me. Until I get what I need.” Their looks didn’t change, no one was for sure how things would turn out. They were scared and at the same time annoyed by the hellfiend.
“Don’t make me beg guys. We’re just baiting him basically. He’ll never figure out.”
“BECAUSE HE’S DUMB RIGHT?” Alex looked back at the Skull who didn’t seem bothered by Darius comment.
“Yes, because he’s dumb,” Alex said just loud enough for Skull to hear. The gang turned all at once and peaked over at Skull. He didn’t mind at all. They all giggled in their huddle.
“Fine, but if he keeps being an ass I’ll have to teach him a lesson.” Noa agreed for the group and they broke the huddle.

“Okay Skull, we’re in," Noa said, being the bigger man.
“Hm, maybe I decided your lot is not fit for my project.”
“What did you say?” Noa was now visibly showing her anger
“On second thought, I’ll allow this. You, Alexander, introduce your soldiers to me.”
“Um, sure. The one who ignored everything up to this point over there is Tyree, you can call him Ty…”
“No Idiot, Their ranks. I don’t need names, they haven’t earned enough respect to hear their names from my mouth.”
“You’re literally the worst,” Lyra spoke up from the back.
“Well let me see. Big guy over there is the second. I’m first, then third is phone guy over there. After that is dragon onesie over there, and then dog lady.”
“So she’s the weakest. I could smell it when I walked in. You’re off the team.”
“WHAT?!” The room was filled with confused chatter.
“SILENCE. She’s the weakest, she off. She looks like she has seen very few battles.”
“She stays.”
“What? Know your place scoundrel, I was just starting to like you.”
“Listen here you stray, you talk out of line to anyone, here again, I’ll shave you hairless and stick you in the fridge.” Skull laughed at the threat but knew Alex would do much worse if he didn’t listen. He contemplated finding a new gang, but before he could even speak again Alex announced.
“Okay then, You’re apart of The Greats now. I’ll buy you a cute little sweater so hopefully, Tessa won’t recognize you. It’ll also show you’re like part of the crew so no one would mess with you.  Also, we run the whole city basically, so don’t go running off now. You know what they say, ‘When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way.’”
“Sure…”
“Yep, if you have nothing nice to say, don’t speak at all.” Lyra chimed in, now excited to have a cute cat.
“LET ME PET YOU FOWL MOUTH KITTEN.”
“Stay back you huge dunce! Someone stop him!”
Noa zoned out, wondering what was up Alex’s sleeve. [Tessa? That was that girl Gibby was with. I wonder what she has to do with this. And does it involve Gibby as well?]

It was dusk when Gibby arrived at home. Because he was in his uniform, even though he didn’t go to school this entire week, he was getting weird looks from the locals on the walk home. [I’m getting dirty looks. Is this how Scotty and Alex feel when they’re wondering the streets. They must know I’m not a normal student. A normal student wouldn’t be walking around near night, they’d be doing their homework. A normal student wouldn’t… be standing outside my house?] At Gibby's house was a girl from his school. He couldn’t tell who it was from the back, but she had on the uniform. She peeked over the gate, too afraid to go and knock.
“What are you doing here?”

“Oh my god I’m so sorry to bother you I just live over north so I decided to deliver you some notes from school because you missed an entire week and Ms Valerie in particular felt really bad because you two left off on the wrong foot and she wanted to make sure you didn’t become a delinquent or anything.” She didn’t make time for a breath. Gibby was only able to keep up with her last statement. She looked at his hand, bloody and scraped up.
“Oh.”
“No it’s not like that. I punched a wall.”
“Oh.” Her judgemental oh’s cut deep, but what Gibby said was true. He tried finding someone to start a fight with, but Alex has truly made over North clean of any gangs.
“You were fighting Marmaduke last time you were at school.”
“I know, I was there.”
[I actually have no idea who this girl is. I think she’s in my class, but she never talks.]
“So, who are you?”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I’m Kate”
She readjust her glasses and long brown hair, trying to make a good impression.
“Well I’m sorry too Kate, but I’m not really in the mood for anything.”
“What’s wrong.”
“The world.” They sat there for a moment. Gibby was expecting eye roll or a ‘oh’ or another breathless paragraph, but she just waited.
“It just that, the world sucks. The police let anyone do anything on the streets. They’re more scared for their lives than they care for everyone's well being.” he paused, kinda wanting her to stop him so he didn’t have to rant, but she just continued waiting.
“It’s been at least 15 years since people started getting power-ups and the government refuses to evolve. ‘We’re working on a branch to deal with them’. That was 14 years ago they said that. Now they just let kids rule the streets. And if they do come, best know someone’s going to die. They act like they’ve haven’t been trained for this. No patience, if the cops see you disobeying them you’re getting shot. They don’t care that we’re just kids and teens. We barely listen to our parents and they expect us to listen to them knowing their history. Then we as a society have become desensitized to this. We not only joke about and join in on the violence, now we’re disrespecting their deaths by not giving them a proper burial. Like a piggy bank? Really? They were people too damn it; give them a proper service, give them a proper burial and give them a proper coffin!”
[Oh god, she listened to all of that. I was hoping she’d stop me. This is embarrassing...]

Kate gave Gibby a small applaud as a response, which made Gibby happy and embarrassed at the same time.
“Sorry for the rant. I’m one to be talking huh? I’m a hypocrite anyways. Here I am, looking for a fight instead of going to school.”
“It’s not your fault, you’re just a product of this new *censored*ed up world.”
“Yea,”
“This world sucks.” They said in unison to Gibby’s surprise.
“Jink!” Kate said as a devilish smile ran across her face.

3

Develop Your Story / Re: Project: TerraFusion v2.0 (WIP)

« on: October 22, 2018, 05:40:50 PM »

I'm guessing if I knew the 1.0 I'd know what the project was because I don't lol. Besides that, I have nothing bad to say about this except it's too short... I NEED more.  I'll be waiting.

4

Develop Your Story / Re: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Light Novel?

« on: October 22, 2018, 05:29:31 PM »

Terrible grammar ahead!

1. Fit physique filled his uniform to the brim, + Boxer =  a prime target for bullying throughout his school life.
2. Throw a punch at the coach.. Yeah, that is a "Nope!". you do not get away with that.

Dang hopped right into it. Ty so much for the criticism, i wish i had it before I started uploading it to royalroad, I wonder if it's ok to change it because you bring up some things I can agree, but let me first get started by defending myself.
 It more of a sticky situation type of bullying. The type where they taunt you over and over do whatever they want and if you react back violently, you're weeded out because you're already known for be the "Bad apple." ex: me, my whole middle school was a bunch of punching people and getting in trouble because my last name is Hooker lol. Also I want to say i made it pretty clear this is like a role reversed type of world. The geeks are cool the jocks are bullied, don't matter the size.

Also this doesn't work as an intro to the gang leader. It feels like you felt you had to insert this whole gang leader bit.

Damn, thats kinda facts lol. I put this scene in afterwards because I wanted to make the next episode chapter all comedy. I didn't know exactly how to put it in, but I will contemplate changing this scene now.

4. he was getting corner combo’d by a CPU.. followed up by his god of street fighter story. This doesn't work. People who can rock the best human players just brutalize an arcade machine. Fighting games run through the opponents and then your game is done. They do not have to set the difficulty high to get your money.

I was thinking more of a "I'm using a character I never use and facing Seth the final boss" type deal.

5. "beat-em-ups" Oh, hell no!

I have nothing to say, you called me out and you got me. Might change it, might not, doesn't seem that big of a deal to me since I'm pretty sure the narrator says it anyways.

So we are doing Wreck It Ralph and not My Hero Academia.
AKA the "Everyone is super except the main character who lacks a super power or has one that doesn't work but in the end will find he has the best power of all." shtick.

Nope. Gibby doesn't like his power, death isn't all that fun to experience. He'll be trying to use his power as little as possible. But yes, it is kinda like that cliche, cliches are used often because they work. I feel I'm playing very little into that cliche anyways.

Doesn't work. Wrong size. Sure other people write stuff like this and it doesn't work when they do it either.

Facts. I was trying to set up a joke, but when I wrote the second part of the joke, i felt it was just not funny. I left in the gore scene because I expect to include his other deaths as gore scenes as well. When they happen >.>

now with more "Groundhog's Day"

It won't be like that trust me. Never planned it to be.

Tried to raise red flags? Wait you are not using "The Stupid Secret"

\
No, I hate that cliche more than I hate flashbacks. Flags are like run in's with a character in like visual novels. You want more flags with the girl of your choice as it makes certain events happen you know? He's trying to become friendly with her again, but it's not going in his favor because well her character isn't the nicest for her own reason. dang that was an awful explaination but eh, just know it makes sense.

Gibby sure takes on a lot of stances for a helpless boxer who gets bullied all the time

Everyone has to fight back evenutally.

For his 29th run this doesn't work AT ALL.

He never done this route before. I tried to make it seem like they were once friendly, friendly enough to have him sneak in her room through the window. I reread it and it seem pretty clear that what you're saying, is not what I was trying to say. But also, what I was trying to say isn't exactly written clear as day. I think it's alright enough tho.

plagiarize this bit

BOI

When stealing other people's stuff

Really? I'm using a cliche. I'm using the cliche and turning it so it doesn't happen as it usually does, just to set up a joke that she always in her hoodie.

So why have it? Is it just for the title? Will this become more clear if I read more?
Are you old enough to remember arcades? Noa would be completely out of place there. The only women/girls ever seen there were looking for their children/boyfriends

Firstly, not going un-include women because they weren't in arcades back in the days. This is obvusly not the world we know; bullys are the geeks and games are this worlds sports. This world is more into high-scores than elite teams of gamers playing multiplayer games. Why are the roles reversed? because that's the type of world I wanted to explore.

Now the video games are there because that the landscape. I enjory video games, I think I can make some good jokes from the theme and my knowledge of them while also telling the story I want to tell. If you expect it to only be about gaming, I can warn you now, it's not. It has themes of self-worth, courage and as cliche as it is, loneiness and friendship.

what is a light novel. Yea you're basically right. Usually they have a few pictures in them, and they don't have to be on the internet.

Personally I prefer to know if my house's roof is leaking, it is infested with rats, the couch is made of pure anthrax, and the kitchen is on fire.. and not how pretty my siding is.

Yea, me too. That's why I'm more glad you did this than salty that you're tearing me a new one lol.

Groundhog's Day never explains it.

This ain't groundhogs day. Also being said, I ain't going to explain why everyone has powers, I'm just going to explain how his works. It not some mysterious force, he can use it at his wimp, but he don't want to really.

As I go back through the page it looks like you are considering releasing this somewhere. I would polish it more before thinking about that. You will draw comparisons between your work and others, some of which may not be complimentary.

Wish I heard that before I did. But Yea I only see Scott pilgrim in comparison. Them exploding into coins wasn't REALLY the idea from Scott pilgrim, but Yea it don't matter what my intentions were. That being said, I expanded on the idea enough I think.

. With Groundhog's Day being plagiarized

Never have I seen groundhogs day, but I'm highly sure there's a huge difference here. He has control over his power, the only thing that's a "reset" is the moon falling on earth. He can die any moment leading up to that, but since you don't die often (example, me, I'm alive) he only found his power through that event. He can change his save point anytime, but why would he ever give himself less time.

Gibby vs Marmaduke. How is Marmaduke fighting Gibby at all?

Since you know boxing so much, you know weight matters and a street fight is much different from a boxing match. Plus Gibby was holding back... probably... atleast that what he said. (He was).

"Nerds" pushing around boxers really doesn't work. 1 punch and the pencil neck breaks.

This guy had the body of a barrel with Popeyes arms, no neck lol. But seriously, some "nerds" have powers that could mess someone up bad without even fighting them you know? I haven't introduced a character who does, but in this world of power-ups it's ridiculous to assume everyone would fight with their hands.

So killing is taboo or expected?

As you see later, he doesn't care about killing people. it's a common trope that people who show mercy get them put in sticky situations, I'm trying to show here that he doesn't teach his people to put themselves in those situaiton. That why Noa is so quick to kill off the peeping Gibby who "threatened" her.

They all have super powers right? Why would they show up with trash? Superman never shows up with a broken bottle

I was thinking more realistically lol. Like the situaition where they get in a circle in the character ducks and they all shoot each other. I mean yea that person probably dies too, but if you did start shooting in a circle, you're bound to hurt your mates. I wanted it to be shown that Giovanni was trying to make his crew organized.

5 people cannot adequately deal drugs to a whole city,

LMAO. No, they're more just acting out teens who like to fight. The Pholioshpy of why they form these gangs will be explained. But they are proposed, hyped up to be the strongest fighters and they're taking over the parts of the cities threaten to kill other gangs, which is taboo. If they have the power to do so, I ain't taking the chance to fight them. they're more West Side Story than MS13

I f'ing hated f'ing Scott Pilgrim (the movie).
People read this all they are going to say is "Scott Pilgrim"

I love all of scott pilgrim, but i somehow forgot the last guy bursted into coins. Now looking into it, alot of them bursted into coins huh. Welp I planned to make this a existing problem in the world ( i have acutally) that just recently started. created a underground market and everything.

Maybe Gibby's gift is that he is psychic

"Yea, but Alexander and another member are over here claiming the land. They have been clearing the streets this whole day." said Noa
"You're the other member?" said Gibby
meaning he came to the conclusion that she was helping clear out the streets. Come on now, I'm not your everyday run of the mill rookie.

Alex removed his MMA gloves and stuffed them inside his jacket pocket.

]
Dang.... Maybe I am lol. You 100% got me there.

You’re part of The Greats now and your responsibility is to control the North.

Do I tell you or just let it come up in the story? Assuming you're done reading since you seem very disappointed lmao, They "rule" over the terrority they live in, Alex is the fifth, he'll be the back-up If needed.

Why does she care? She is from another world and has no idea what the coins are

I kinda explained it in the next chapter, but I don't think you will like the explanation because you pointed out a clear flaw. I'll defend it by saying she didn't care about the coins, she was just staying prepared to fight. Also he suggests it's a form of currency, which she knows what currency is. Actually, my explanation ain't as bad as I thought.

The cat was there, it knows if there was dirty play.

He thinks it's a cat. he's just animal talking. Like when you see a dog and you speak to it not expecting it to speak back.

s their power duplication? It seems like every power in the world requires a video game

There's more than just duplicates But I never really planned for them to all be video game themed. I stopped trying at Scotty's power.

Thanks for the harsh feedback, now I'm rocking back and forward because I want to change so much O.O I'm probably just going to sneak some changes in and continue the uploads because I already started. I myself don't see it being near anything except for Scott pilgrim, that being it's stupid comedy and now I see clearly that them turning into coins came directly from my book memories of Scott pilgrim. I'll ask around and see how petty people think it is that it's the same idea, and I'll get rid of it if enough people say it is. I myself don't think it is.

TBH I kept writing but forgot about this site because no one had posted (not on my thread, just like in the writer section) for a long time. I guess I should upload those chapters >.>

5

Develop Your Story / Re: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Light Novel?

« on: September 24, 2018, 07:14:59 PM »

Yay, after the hurdle of redoing my first chapter's format, I've finally completed chapter 3. Idk where I'll go from here. I know i'll keep writing this, but I don't know if I should keep posting on forums for critiques or just sign up somewhere to upload it for like weekly updates. Any advice is welcome (seriously I'm stuck on stupid here. Do I buy drawings if I upload it somewhere?)

As always I'd love critique.

Spoiler

“I’ve never been challenged in anything I do. Never has anyone come close to my level; not in academics, games, sports or fighting. All I ever do is search. Search for my equal. Truth be told, it’s the only thing I’ve failed at. You see, where some fail, others succeed. Where those few succeed, I triumph, standing high above even the greatest. In doing so, I’ve only managed to hang myself more comfortably.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“I don’t know. Doesn’t ever great tyrant have to monologue.”
Alex stood with his back to the bruised and battered teen, his long hair surfing through the breeze. He started to pace back and forth impatiently. Lifting his hand, he effortlessly crushed the phone in his hand. “If your crew isn’t here soon, I’ll turn you into coins and use them to kill off my boredom at the arcade.”

Alex was the leader of The Greats, the first gang that managed to take control of a part of the city. The Westside belong to them and with only two members, they are managing to make their presence known over North. Alex was calling out gang leaders with death threats towards their underlings. Killing was taboo, even among the barbaric teens who would beat you bloody and leave you for dead. This warranted a hefty response from the leaders, prompting them to get all hands on deck for the confrontation. This time was no different. Over 20 people sprinted onto the roof, forming a circle around Alex. They were mostly armed with junk that could pass as a usable weapon; trash lids, busted pipes, broken bottles, and a chair. They quickly picked up their fallen friend and he vanished into the gang’s rank. A suited teen entered the circle and looked around.
“You’re all alone. Not a good move on your part.”
“They call me Alexander The Great for a reason.”
“They call me Giovanni for the same reason.” He steps closer to Alex, hands still in his pockets.
“Giovanni huh? Like from Team Rocket.”
“Yup, they hear that name and instantly think of power. This here is my gang, Team Stop It; In this situation, it’ll be referring to your heart.”
“You know it’s not a good name if you have to explain it.” Giovanni turns his back to Alex and starts to walk away.
“I guess that’s enough explaining. Just know, we have to prove we don’t take kindly to threats.” The circle of teens began to collapse on Alex as Giovanni left the roof.

The fight ends just as fast as it started. Surprisingly Giovanni’s gang didn’t run in one at a time, but work as a team, attacking in quick succession after one another. Alex only used this to his advantage, letting the gangs blows fly pass him into other members. It was amidst the chaos that Alex threw his punches. With each punch he took out multiple people, sending them flying into each other. As their numbers dropped, the remaining members started to use their power-ups. Flames and hot tar flew pass Alex as he was superman punching the giant teen. Landing a blow to his foes ankle, he was able to knock the giant down, sending him crashing into the remaining teens. Alex looked around for more prey but found none. He grabs the chair from the hands of an unconscious member, unfolded it, and sat… waiting.

With the newfound silence, Giovanni opened the door. Reality conflicted with his expectations; instead of Alex being defeated, he was the only one still standing.
“Now that the warm-up is over, let us get down to business,” Alex said before standing up.
“So what… what did you come here for? What’s with the needless fighting? Aren’t you a small gang? Wouldn’t controlling the North and the West run you thin?”
“Uh-uh. Talking was what I wanted to do before. I’m warmed up, ain’t no talking out of this.
“Sure… Prepare for trouble then, and make it double.”
Giovanni shadow raised from the ground into an exact copy of himself.
“It’s a reference to pokemon wh-”
“I get the reference.”
“Actually, why stop there?” Now both their shadow grew into another copy. This continued until Alex was once again surrounded.

Unlike the fight before, where the attacks were coordinated yet chaotic, all Giovanni’s attack flowed together perfectly. While two copies rushed Alex from the front, another went for his legs from behind. Alex would have been in loss situation if not for his incredible speed and his mastery of it. With this, he followed the motion of the sweep kick with a spin, reaching a point where the clones kick couldn’t hit. “Low blow,” Alex took a shot at the disrespectful copy, but to no avail. The clone managed to turn into a shadow before he could land a punch. This scene repeated over and over as Alex went on the offense, he was always a bit too late to get a hit off. The ring of Giovannis’ didn’t grow any less either. When one faded away to dodge a punch, another would pop out of the shadows. While Alex may have been getting nowhere, he still hasn’t broken a sweat either.

“Play hide and seek all you want, it shows you’re nothing but a coward.”
[Maybe if I get him to talk, I can find the real one.] Alex plan fell through the gutter when all of the Giovannis’ responded at once.
“I’ve been testing you that’s all.”
“And I passed with flying colors.”
“Yea, your decision making is extremely scary. I noticed you didn’t jump you dodge the sweep,”
“Because in the air you can’t move. I would have been trapped there.”
“Makes you wonder, why your life choices have less thought behind them. Why the sudden change of heart? Why would a nerd like you become a gang leader?”
Silence washed over Alex.
“You were famous, everyone knew you for your gaming skills. You were the talk of the arcades and the meets. No matter where you were from; North, South, East, West, you were on the lookout for the prodigy, Alex. Now you’re in a gang trying to take over the whole city with just Four members.” Giovanni said in disgust.
“Five.”
“Get real nerd. Five isn’t even enough for the Westside alone. Go back to games before you end up in an early grave.”

The conversation was ended early due to the intruder to the circle. Their aura could be felt before they even arrived. Now facing Giovanni was the thief who stole the spotlight, none other than, an alley cat. It brushed it’s black fur up against his legs as he bent down to pet it, Alex watching patiently.
“Hey there Buddy? How was your day? I’m in a fight right now Buddy so run along,” But the cat didn’t. Instead, it hid behind him, scared to death of the soon to arrive second intruder. This intruder came down heavy and breached from the back of the circle. It was Tessa. She now stood side to side with Alex, giving a death stare to the cat. Alex looked back and forth between her and Giovanni.
“Hey, there’s two cosplayers now.” Alex wasted no time pointing out.
“I had sensed more evil among the crowd but did not expect this. That fiend, always with the ambushes.”
Giovanni stood up, not fully understand the situation. “Are you calling Buddy here a fiend? He’s just another alleycat who has taken a liking to me. I’m Giovanni, I’m the fiend. You might not understand, but he completes the get-up. Get it? It’s a refer-”
Alex spoke for them both “We get the reference, but it’s not a white cat.”
“Yea, I wish it was.”
“I am surrounded by evil, I will let you live because of my partner wishes. Surrender now or prepare to fight.”
“That’s my line.”
“What line?”
“Are you like Link cos-player are something?” Giovanni asked, still not grasping the situation
“I am Tessa. I have come from another realm to face an evil even greater than that devil you protect.”
“So you want to get in on this loss?”
“If I understood that correctly, yes.”
“You did not,” Alex replies.

Alex and Tessa make eye contact and at that moment an unspoken prophecy began. Each party could see something in the other. Alex could see her resolve. The courage of this woman outweighed her brain by a lot, but he knew that makes an individual that much more dangerous. Simply by the way she carried herself, he could tell she knew the dance of battle. While in her eyes, she saw his aura. The aura of a man who fought to hurt. To an untrained eye it’d come off as malice, but she knew the aura of malice too well. This was different. [He lives to fight and fights just to fight. To live is to have reason, so a reason he must have.] And he did, which Tessa came to realize. He fought to find an equal, someone who would rise after being hurt to hurt him back or someone that strong to begin with. Tessa wondered if he knew that he just found that, and he did. By the look in his eyes, she saw he knew the dance of battle. So.... they danced.

Alex and Tessa nod at each other before stacking back to back. The fights quickly started up again. The clones rushed them, fading in and out of existence to keep from getting hit by Tessa wide covering sword beams. Even with Tessa’s speed, her sword took time to swing so soon the clones had made it too close to get a full one off. Alex and Tessa begun to dance around the fight, with Giovanni’s focus on two targets, his movements became chaotic, sometimes even out of sync. Alex didn’t throw any punches, he wanted to watch this mysterious girl who had needlessly come to his aid. Still pressured by the short distance between her and her foe, Tessa starts going for jabs with her sword, allowing her to attack back now. But this had gone to her head as a valid method of attacking and Giovanni could see through it. Too focused on jabbing, she was not able to ward off the swarm of clones that had jumped at her from the front. Giovanni ended her streak of dodging with a powerful backhand. Tessa flew to the ground but didn’t stay long, using the momentum to flip over.

[Nice try, but now you have no idea what’s going on in your blindspot till you look and Giovanni isn’t dumb enough to miss that opportunity.] Alex was right. Tessa had barely regained her balance before two clones rushed her from the front. It was the same setup they tried on Alex. Tessa ran into the clones, taking one punch but managing to dodge the second one. [Smart move taking the punches to give you more time to dodge the sweep. Wonder how you saw the sweep coming...] Tessa looked behind her, finally seeing her blind spot, just to be greeted with the incoming sweep. She jumps to the side in the last few seconds. [She didn’t know about the sweep?! Why’d she run into the punches for? She doesn’t know what she’s doing. And now she’s trapped now. How disappointing.]

 Now in the air, unable to dodge, the clones barraged towards her preparing to pounce. Tessa wasn’t out of it yet, from her pocket she pulled out the clawshot and shot it towards a very specific
Giovanni; the real one. Panicked, he creates several clones in front of him to block the shot. Hooking onto the first one sent Tessa flying towards their direction. With a spin and a yell, Tessa rode the wave of Giovannis’, slicing through each of them in a heavenly blade dance, ending with a kick to the chest on the real one. They flew back into a wall where the impact shook the building. The clones begin to vanish from around Alex.

Tessa steps out from the settling dust; Giovanni laid up against the wall, barely conscious. Alex stood relieved that his unspoken rival wasn’t a lost cause.
“Did you finished with a kick for style?”
“No, to keep a promise.”
“Not to kill,” Tessa answered, reading his mind.
“Well, that’ll be your downfall.”
Alex rushed her, but she was ready. They both ran towards each other but Alex speed was unmatched. Alex twirled around her before she could swing and with one punch he finished the job. Giovanni, who was inches away from Tessa with his pocket knife, had been stopped for good. He coughed up some blood before he burst into a pile of coins. The threat of the rival gang disappeared with their leading now dead and the members knocked out. Still, neither Alex nor Tessa could relax.

“Listen, since you did most of the work, why don’t you take him. Buy yourself something nice.”
“I will accept that offer,” she said, but they both didn’t move. It was a poly. A test from Alex to see if she’d let her guard down and she didn’t plan on failing.
“Are you going to pick it up or what?”
“Yes, I will do that… Now…”
Tessa began to circle around the pile of coins, all the while Alex mimicked her movements.
“Don’t be too scared, I don’t bite.”
“All animals act out from time to time,” by the time she finished, they had switched places entirely. The door behind Tessa was flung open but she didn’t even glance that direction. It was Gibby, out of breath and out of place. Not too sure about the situation at first, Gibby slowly understood what was going on.

“You killed one of The Greats Tessa?”
“If I understand the question correctly, yes.”
“You didn’t understand it at all,” Alex interrupted.
“Alex just let it be, Tessa doesn-”
“Don’t speak for her Gibby. Your words have done enough damage. ‘Did you kill a Great’, of course not. Not with your philosophy plaguing her mind. This isn’t some game world where you can playthrough some pacifist run. This is reality, where sparing a life can mean ending your own,” Alex removed his MMA gloves and stuffed them inside his jacket pocket. Finally catching up, Noa makes her way pass Gibby and walks up to Alex. Tessa and Gibby watched in silence as they approached each other and give each other two consecutive fist bumps.

“You’re the other member?!” Emotions flowed through Gibby that he didn’t understand. Noa hadn’t done anything wrong, but he still felt betrayed..
“Yea…” Noa seemed embarrassed that Gibby had learned this way.
“I don’t understand. How did this happen. Noa, please. Alex is not a good person.”
Noa turned away
Alex stepped in, “So that’s how it is huh? Since you have no power-up and no sense of commitment to bettering your fighting, you use your words you hurt people. Not only their feelings but their mindsets as well. THE WORLD ISN’T PERFECT GIBBY!” Alex screamed. “The world is in a constant state of decaying negatively. If we can’t be perfect as a collective, how can you expect us to be perfect alone.” “That’s not what I meant.” Alex turned and walked to Noa who was now looking over the edge of the building. “Look at it Noa. This land now belong to you. You’re part of The Greats now and your responsibility is to control the North. You can’t show weakness. Once you’re part of the team, nothing else matters. It’s us versus the world.”
“That’s just escapism. You’re helping feed into the world you hate.”
“Well what can I say Gibby. Don’t hate the player, hate the game”

Alex made his way to the pile of coins and picked them up. Tessa was still tense. Alex handed the coins to Tessa who complied. “Link has a shield you know,” Alex proclaimed before walking off. Tessa was still confused about Alex and Gibby argument, but she understood one thing.
“I don’t spare lives… I just keep my promises.” Alex didn’t turn around. He exited the rooftop leaving the trio to themselves. Alex had gotten down a flight of stairs before walking pass the cat that made his day.
“You’re the cat that lead that girl to me. I had to kill your owner, he was trying to play dirty.”
“No man owns me,” said the cat in a deep voice that you’d imagine would come from a towering beast.
“Interesting.” Alex didn’t even turn to look at the cat.
“You don’t look too surprised.”
“I’ve seen crazier.”
“You haven’t even seen me.”
Alex stopped and looked at the cat. Even without Tessa’s power to sense aura, he could feel the malice oozing from its very cute being.

6

Develop Your Story / Re: My Idea for a story: Shards

« on: September 24, 2018, 05:28:14 PM »

holy *censored* that was a long one. This was super hard to read, not in a insulting way, just literally. This is in desperate need of formatting. I'm not entirely sure of how you should go about formatting it as a manga script because i wrtite light novels, but I have a some basics that will help. You do start new paragraphs, but you need to press enter twice, it'll be much easier on the eyes. Maybe new paragraph everytime there's a character standpoint switch? Maybe some form of indicator that it's explaining the panel/shot instead of just blending it in with the writing. I caught on after like 3 times but I was confused at first and reread sentences at first just to understand.

Next is the repetitive use of as, before and begin/begun/began. ooh boy, there's a lot of as's in this story. This as problem also go hand in hand with the run on sentence problem. I feel like these are easily solvable because they go hand in hand (Look at me being repetitive :P ) with grammatical issues which I actually have advice on.

I think a good way to solve grammatical issues is to go back and reread your story everytime you begin to write on anything else. This might be the wrong advice, as I reread my stories every day pretty much because I try to write every day; So maybe the advice is to reread the story every day. Doing this you can get inspiration on new and better ways to write your already created sentences. This also helps you spot mistakes in your grammar, I'm usually able to find a mistake or two every time I reread.  I really feel like the repetitive-ness and formatting are the only glaring flaws and those are easily fixable and mistakes that everyone makes. Now time for the PROS

I feel like your strong suit is character interactions and sly jokes. OMFG some of these lines had me near tears, like seriously, I'm in the cafe looking like a crazy person. I was going to go through and pick out my favorite's,  but I quickly found out that almost everytime a character opened their mouths was my favorite, which means as a manga, where your flaws wouldn't show (because those are formatting flaws) this would be killer. Here's like my top 3 tho.

1.  he looks over at the large print hanging on his wall that reads “Johnny's chart for being fashionably late.” At the bottom of the chart reading “8:50 am: Leave the house ten minutes ago.”. - - - Funny and gives us a good taste of his character right at the start.

2.  “It’s gonna be medical mystery when you go into the doctor’s office with two bruised assholes.”. - - - Never heard that one before. Was damn near in tears.

3. You know, they basically have no expiration date, you don’t need to eat them all in one go.”. - - - Omg this bitch funny asf.

I was going to scan through and find more but the formatting hurts my eyes lol. You do such a good job at having the characters stick to their characteristics. I feel like they are trope characters but done really really good. Maybe Mike is a bit too cliche, but with his power and if upcoming development he'll probably get there.

Story-wise, the only problem I had was when the core exploded, it was suppose to be an intense moment, but the lack of explanation of the chaos that ensued right afterward felt like a letdown. It could be a bit more descriptive there. Like it exploded and we're told Johnny is on the ground, but how? Knock back due to the shockwave? Something fell on him? What happened to the glass Jake was looking through? Did Jake fall to the ground? Stuff like that. Oh, I reread the battle part and I feel it's really silly that they leave the girl, but that on them. I hope she gets away now lmao.

oh i forgot. Maybe describe the main characters looks a bit. I know if it's going to be a manga we will see, but idk how big or emo they look. I'll be around for the next part for sure, this was honestly 10x better than I expected once I saw the formatting. keep it up!

7

Develop Your Story / Re: My Idea for a story: Shards

« on: September 18, 2018, 04:34:05 PM »

Als if I sound rude just know I wasn't trying to be rude.

I want to say your writing is very confusing. But I also want to defend it, saying this was just a quick draft. But then again, on the forums, I heard you should look at every writing as an opportunity to improve. Also, you're trying to explain the story to us and it raises a lot more questions. All in all, Imma have to just say this is very confusing, so Imma just try to help with the writing and story overall.

To begin with, I feel like you're skipping over details because it's just a quick explanation, but those details are needed here. I'm about to go on a spree so.

0. Jake becomes suspicious of what? people looking into them? powers popping up? Do they know of their powers yet?
1. Is this where the story starts or will you be writing about the incident?
2. How long after the incident is this?
3. Is Johnny in the car with Jake?
4. Is there a reason why she's bad or we're not supposed to know yet.
5. Why does Jake have bat-gear ( concrete tablet)? is he fighting people already? Just for safety?
6. Did they kill her? If so who? If Jake or Johnny (because they're not in this mysterious group), why are they so nonchalant about killing?
7. Why does Jake have a base? lol
8. Was the scientist in Jake's base or does he come later? Was he there the whole time?


Ok now that we're through that, Imma let you go on the grammatical issues because it is just a quick draft so I suspect you could do better if you tried. So now we're on to arc premise. I'm still unsure of what shards are. The first post says it gives them the ability to bend reality, but then I would argue that fire powers don't fit in that category.

 Sorry I used my hour of reading time so I have to get to writing. I'll see if I can write the rest on my way home today or tomorrow.

8

Manga Writer workshop / Re: Same Scene, Different Story

« on: September 17, 2018, 09:01:36 PM »

The man stood at the back of the subway train, his music had taken him out of reality. He was in his on zone, so much so, he hadn't notice the two men who had approached him. They tap him on the shoulder, bringing him back to our realm.

"Hay, We know what you can do." One of the suited man shouted through the sounds of New York City.
"Huh?"
"You know... Phase running."
Hay watched as the suits reached into their jackets. He was already 5 feet off the ground before they could pull out their guns. Their suits were quickly stained with an imprint of Hay's boot. The suits were now in a predicament, with their target now on the run, holding him at gunpoint was no longer an option. They sprung to their feet, this simple arrest was now a full on chase.

The suits ran closely behind Hay. The cart wasn't very long, but the crowd made it seem so. Music filled the air as the sax player song continued. It reached a sudden end as Hay tripped over his tips. "Watch your step." The musican, in search of his change made a barricade for the two pursuers. One made it thru at good pace, the other fell onto the floor, starting an unwanted fight with the musican over the coins.

The doors opened and Hay flew out. Waiting around the station was another suit. He was on the look out, but Hay had slowed down to blend in, fooling him. The two sharply dressed men met up, one out of breath.
"It was a simple hold up, what happened Jay?"
"He hit us before we could pull out the gun."
"You're suppose to already have the gun out. Rookie mistake."
"There he goes Mike!"

The train was already pulling off. " Damn, I'll have to phase run." Mike sprinted through the crowd, color meshed together. Everything became a blur and Mike surfed it. This was Phase Running, blending the world into one fluent object, making your way to your destination before putting it back. He ended up putting the world back together in the middle of the next station over. The throbbing high lingered, but he managed to spot the same man he was chasing before. He managed to tackle him before he could see Mike. Mike turned him around and looked into his eyes.

"You're not Hay..."
"Who the fu*k are you people!"

This was redemptions for failing the writing survival challenge.

9

Develop Your Story / Re: Hikari's Random Gallery of crappy ideas

« on: September 12, 2018, 07:28:55 PM »

I think your series would cast a lot of opportunities to make references to the real world and people love references when they aren't overdone. So I feel you don't have to go full comedy.  Once again, while i feel it's like a basic shonen, those do go far and do good. I'm not doubting this show can't live off that alone, but other elements can help it stand out even more. It has the unique wrestling element, but you could always look for more to add on. Like just example, NOT SUGGUESTION - Muscle fan service. WAY over the top characters (jo-jo style). comedy. reference fan service. 4th wall breaking. super technical explanations. that sort of extra spice that really give your story something unique but familiar to the readers as writing tropes.

2 random things i thought up of when rereading it. Love Love LOVE the finishing moves and how they have names. And also there's a part where it should be put as Yuzu thoughts but it's not. it's right at the end where he talks about them finally making it.

For character creating, I'm kind of weird. Firstly, please remember I'm by no pro. I wrote a few creepypasta's in the past and they weren't good. Right now i'm working on my first real story so i'm not like great [even though my ego says otherwise :)  ] But for character creating I use other characters/tropes and a lot of the time real people as bases for my characters. A lot of my characters are just my opinions personified or a trope with quirk added or the side of someone I know sketched out. I honestly believe characters are just shaped by the story or in the case of a comedy, the joke I'm working towards. Like I put the character who is set by how I created them, set a goal in mind and have my story move my character to that goal and just role-play what my character would do there/say. This might be my ego talking but I think I'm actually really good at this.

You could try this style, like you were saying your character is shaped by his past. This is good, but good characters aren't one dimensional. Let him be shaped by his past and _____. like 'Shaped by his past and total meathead.' or 'shaped by his past and has super-man syndrome'. Once again these are examples, not suggestion, fill in that blank with something you think you have the skill set to act out and fits the character you want to create. Don't commit to this style tho. I've learned that it's VERY hard creating a character who is a lot different from you. While you may be able to still make villains because there's a structure to that, it's hard creating a non-villain character who has conflicting opinions with you that aren't like just totally wrong to have opinions. Like if you're making a character who agrees with Hitler it's probably easy to play out his views because it's such a stupid opinion lol. But if it's like a close debate type opinion it'll be hard for you to play devil's advocate because you don't know it that well, basically. I notice I was going on a tangent so imma stop lol. but yea that how i do it. 

that basically it. I make Light-novels for now because I don't really like scene setting, so it's werid reviewing manga scripts. As a question for you, do you beleive i should just be reviewing the manga as a manga or the whole manga as a script too? And no problem, i'll be around a lot! *tho i'll probably be off for today.

10

Develop Your Story / Re: Hikari's Random Gallery of crappy ideas

« on: September 12, 2018, 05:42:15 PM »

So idk if I should be criticizing it as an outline for a manga or just as a manga. If it was just as a manga it'd eliminate a lot of the problems I have with it. Before I go on let me just say, it's has a really good set up as a shonen, so it's good in that regards. Hands down the best line in it is, " Empire’s women’s division only started a couple years ago, and now they’re showing the world what we can do..." It leaves room for a story line about being a women wrestler, I like setting up options for the future. I don't read or watch sport anime/manga so idk which category it fits in better or was aiming to be. That being said, I like very few shonen's and I don't like wrestling that much so it wouldn't be my type of read tbh. But that doesn't mean I can't try my best at helping. Sorry if I come off as rude, I've been told in the past that I do when giving my opinion and i'm working on that, so hopefully I don't

Judging it as an outline, this was really hard to read. I don't mean it's bad, i mean like actually visually. I believe there are more opportunities to add a spacing between paragraphs(to cut it into sperate paragraphs) like when Yuzu and Ichiro go to Hana match or when Yuzu and Yarai are finish talking. A big problem for me atleast was the decision of having barely any periods (or forgetting them). Idk if you forgot most of them and chose to put some in or if you decided not to include them and accidentally put them in for some. This causing a problem for me when reading because sometimes it looks like the description that comes after someone talking is just part of them talking (if that makes sense).

"Yuzu: (With a bewildered look on his face as he stares at Ichiro) Why do you look so proud when you haven’t done anything (He thinks)
Just after this it is a full panel of Hana catching a moving Kimi in a Step-Up Enzuigiri (basically a jumping kick to the back of the head), Kimi falls limp onto her knees and slumps, so her head falls "

That the main one I noticed it on and there were like 2 more down the page, but I don't wanna find them... bit due to laziness bit due to the spacing problem i mention before. While I don't suggest correcting the period problem for this already written one (I've done it before, it's such a drag), I do believe that making it easier for your readers/critiquers to read can encourage them to continue reading through.

Side note, you did a really good job of describing what was going on in the fight. I felt like except for two parts, I kept up with the entire fight with little difficulty, which is a miracle for me lol. I know a bit of wrestling so I knew what some of the basic moves were, but some I didn't know.

As a manga tho? This seems really solid. To list a few things that I feel were really good.
1. The women quote from earlier.

2. I like how you kept Hana match short, It feels like a good pace for an actual manga first chapter.


My critics on it as a manga comes as more of a critic of shonen series as a whole (especially their beginnings). It's super basic, it feels like the beginning of every shonen ever and the tropes characters positions stand out the most. I feel I know their character, but learned nothing about them as a character which happens a lot in the shonens I really don't like. In Hunter x Hunter, we meet Gon and I learn a little about his character atleast, He's a very weird kid, it's unique because not only does he already seem to be over talented (different from the norm), he's also a kid and very child like. This leaves me wondering about the world, which they also do a great job of showing just enough of, it's a weird world, but I can group piece together the world they're trying to sell me even tho it's just a facade, a shroud over our eyes of ALOT of the world. I don't believe that hunter x hunter beginning episodes are good lol, but the first episode does it well and the next episodes do a good job of shrouding what the world is actually like.

In basic ones, they don't give me this satisfaction of knowing the character, they just display the character as a trope the first few episodes. I was going to use naruto, but naruto is the character that started it all for me so lol I'll use fairy tale. Natsu is a hungry, poor, good hearted but cocky MC who enjoys a fight. You can tell what going to happen in the episode before it even happens. All I know about the characters are they are the tropes of shonen characters and I feel that way about your manga as well. Sometimes characters stay as just tropes of a shonen mc and if that what you're going for... you do you lol.

I feel your characters barely display these shonen tropes, that the shonen cliche-ness comes from the story structure itself. This sounds like a good thing for the characters, but since they don't show any character in any different way they are like characters who are only half full, and what they got in them isn't a good anyways.

I was going to type some long explanation on how to fix this, but tbh it's just how shonens work. Crazy enough... IT WORKS ALL THE TIME. so if that's what you're going for, go ahead, can't make you risk losing potential readers for my sake. But what I would recommend is filling your characters in a bit more (Not Ichiro, he's a bit more filled in than Hana and WAY more filled in than Yuzu.), especially the MC, seems like a robot too me lol.

sorry, I realize i just went on a basically pointless rant. Besides it being a lot like ever other shonen beginning, if you don't mind that and you fill up your characters with a bit of personality, the manga version seems very cool.

I feel conflicted on this one point tho. So WWE wrestling is fake, but can be respected because it's not all about the fighting because they can tell a really good story. That being said, they fighting in WWE is really inefficient and over the top. This manga's wrestling seems to be professional wrestling, not traditional. I'm conflicted because we all this type of fighting is for showmanship and isn't actually good. I kind of want an explanation of why they wrestle like this, but in the end it doesn't bug me that much. Some real uptight stickler would probably be bothered but who cares really. I also kind of want professional wrestling to be touched on in the show. Like does it exist?

This concludes my critque. Remember my say is not law, nor did it come from a shonen fan. My favorite part is that it deals with professional wrestlers, the concept I've not seen oftend. If you post any more I'll probably find the time to read it over and review it.

11

Develop Your Story / Re: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Chapther?

« on: September 05, 2018, 07:30:11 PM »

@coryn, understood, thanks. I'm a bit afraid to criticize others. I feel like I'm too opinionated and I'm not always correct. I also feel as though I focus way too much on trying to improve their work rather than how good their work is and I sound real bi***y. I'll try around and see if I can improve on that myself.

@Suuper Thanks for reading I really appreciate it. Firstly, yea I'm going to have to get rid of the names in the first chapter because I made the 2nd and 3rd chapters regular. So that's a daunting task I have to do since it's almost rewriting the whole thing.
Speaking of rewriting, the Persona comparison I was already not feeling, so I'm pretty sure I'm going to just do a regular explanation. I see now that since this is my MC's 30th time using it, he should be able to give a good explanation of how it works, so I'll just hope on the exposition train.

12

Manga Writer workshop / Re: WRITING SURVIAL!!!

« on: August 30, 2018, 07:07:30 PM »

it didn't take long for the main entrance of the bank to fully blossom into the wild west era. The panicked guest were now patrons who was so use to a shootout that they were able to calmly leave. Mr. Baker and his horse jumped the counter where Deshawn's "dead" body lied. Approaching DJ, he grabbed his roped and swung it wildly. The Professor swung the rope at DJ's hands and like magic, they tied him up perfectly. DJ was then dragged along through the tunnel of the vault, that was slowly changing into an old abandoned mine.
 "I'm fine, trust me, God, I'm fine" Claimed DJ as he hit rock after rock.
Trusting in DJ, Emma allowed him to continue being dragged.

13

Manga Writer workshop / Re: WRITING SURVIAL!!!

« on: August 29, 2018, 03:56:59 PM »

That being said, i won't be losing anytime soon.



Those words struck fear into Emma. The words were moving quicker than before, so Emma panicked as they got closer and closer to the top of the screen where the words cut off. She edited the event as best she could.
He wasted no time raising his rifle and landing his first shot into Shawn's chest. The vest secretly kept Shawn alive as he played dead.
She barely got the sentence on screen before the chance was gone. "It's like DJ said, I have to be quick. If I don't manage to put the period down before it gets cut off, It won't change a thing." Emma focused, reading the story as it sprinted on and off the screen. She was ready to edit where she was needed.



Also imma try to keep it short. TRY

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Manga Writer workshop / Re: WRITING SURVIAL!!!

« on: August 29, 2018, 03:41:48 PM »

I'm so petty that imma ruleshark the S*** outta this game.

However, you may only lose after having posted your 10th paragraph.

*In my VGDunkey voice* IM BACK BABY

15

Manga Writer workshop / Re: WRITING SURVIAL!!!

« on: August 28, 2018, 06:11:02 PM »

Welp, I'm down for whatever exercise I have to do now for failing. I wish I didn't miss that day tho, this exercise was a really good chance to practice by working on another story. Also tyty