14
« on: May 17, 2018, 08:19:55 AM »
I agree with all of Lego's points. I have some further things to add.
The fact that it's written in script form is actually a good thing! Translating a usual story narrative is extra work but if the writer can break it down panel by panel, page by page, that puts you ahead of the curb if writing manga is what you want to do. So huge props for that.
I agree with Kean that it sounds like My Hero Academia a lot, is that where you got the inspiration from? Either way, I think the sudden development of powers is a common thing I've seen in a lot of people's stories. Since MHA is quite popular at the moment I would reckon it would get compared to that.
On to the writing, I like your concept. It was clear and open enough to imagine the possibilities which is really good. Most people write a huge novel as a synopsis but yours was straight to the point which is a huge plus.
The writing itself though, it seems to be written more like a seinen than a shounen. Like something that would appear in Young Jump rather than Shounen Jump. That's not exactly a bad thing, personally I think a blend of seinen/shounen works better than straight Shounen anyway. Especially for a western audience which would be your primary reading audience.
At first I was a bit worried you would make the MC unlikeable and edgy but it seems by saving that guy he seems to be a good person. He had some off comments but nothing unworkable. Gungirl seems great, I think with a good character design this work really well. I would honestly drop the school setting as soon as possible to be honest and have some organisation of the setting pick him up. Perhaps have the MC find out what his powers actually by the end of the first chapter (i.e - MC awakens abilities - saves gun girl from her target - picked up by organisation out of school for being an interesting case - etc). It's a bit tropey but tropes exist for a reason, and I think powerless heroes in a powerful world is getting boring imo. Having a main character with cool powers but who also has to use his brain creatively in order to utilise them would be your best bet.
All in all, a pretty good attempt. With some reworking it could be a good first pitch. As I think you've said already, you should focus on the world building aspect before delving more into this. I think if everybody developed powers in 1992 suddenly the world would be in utter chaos for ages. You could say something like "the world was in chaos until a group of powerful heroes banded together and ushered in order back into daily life" or something like that. Either that, or you could go a bit more post-apocalyptic (which would be interesting) but that would change the nature of pretty much everything in the story.
Solid work though, good luck with it.
Show Posts
