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Topics - MangaMan26

Pages: [1]
Develop Your Story / Trig-Parallax
« on: April 03, 2015, 08:53:10 PM »

 Sup raiders! ;D This is a story I've been working one for some time now. I wanted some feedback on it. Mainly basic ones like did I convey the tone, story,vision and angles well. Was it interesting, how was the dialogue, was it a bit much? Is also added some humor the last two days to give it a manga feel and I'm not good at comedy, but I tried, so tell me if u liked it. But any review would be great.

 I wrote it in a script/screenplay format as an easy way for me to convert to a storyboard. I explain most of what your seeing on some parts very well and less on others, but felt it was the best option to get down the most important details I needed to show you without a storyboard. I don't give much details on the settings and appearance of characters, just one, so please don't mind that. Also the chapter is pretty long, I figure it to be 40-50 pages.

Title: Trig-Parallax  don't laugh >:(

Genres: Scifi Seinen Action Adventure Drama Romance Cyberpunk (alittle) Comedy (maybe)

Well, hope you enjoy it.  :thumbsup:

Ch.1 Anomaly 
Scene: Cold dead space, the Junin solar system. First view is of distant space, pure darkness with stars glittering in
the distant background.

Second view is a shot of the entirety of a tan and dark green planet called Tarth (Just planet).

Third view is a real close up from just above the planet, looking down on it.

Nearby, a floating object slowly approaches the planet. The unknown object, so faint it seems like debris, is pulled
in as it enters the planets atmosphere. A distant orbiting satellite, about a quarter of the planet away, turns and
points towards the object as it makes its rounds around the planet.

Scene: Tarth. Overhead view is of an open-square (square with one side gone) white lab facility, at the of a forest.

Inside at a desk, sits a bald, white mustached meteorologist with transparent glasses. His name is Oliver ponsol, and he seems to be enjoying a fresh cup of coffee while flipping through his lab notes. A deafening siren rings, and a red alarm on the wall goes off just over Olivers head (!) just as he takes a sip of his hot coffee. Oliver painfully spills the burning liquid on his chest and legs from the scare of the siren. He lets out the most helpless cry in his life as he's jumping from his seat like a frantic maniac, tearing the clothes off himselfin one instant with his new unbeknownst strength. He stands there hunched over, panting and defeated as if he ran15 miles, still holding his ripped lab coat in one hand and pants in the other. Lastly, he lets out weak and faint "...oww! and those were my last clean pair", before remembering the blazing sirens and running over to his control terminal.

 Oliver: What is it i?

 Terminal A.I: Satellite detecting possible anomaly within planets thermosphere ...Confirmed. Scanners reading unknown alloy, now entering mesosphere.

 Oliver: Unknown? And the entry?

 A.I: Alloy sustaining any damage from aerodynamic heating, unable to detect its mineral signature.

Scene: Space.

 The object at this point is an almost blinding light as it free-falls through the atmosphere.

Scene: Back to lab.

 Oliver: Calculate the objects speed and estimate its weight.

 A.I: Calculating, 600 pounds.

 Oliver: If it's some some sort of technology, it'll be destroyed on impact. I, send a drone to stop it and bring it down, make sure to break the fall, at the cost of the drone if it must.

 A.I: Assigning drone and adaptable variables, complete. Scene: Just above the facility. A medium sized drone exits it dock and takes off from a section of the facility.

 Oliver: Where will it hit?

 A.I: 48*W 76*N Mason beach, 436 miles southeast at its current trajectory. Oliver: Ready the ship. Oliver quickly makes his way to an aircraft.

Scene: Outside, open sky.

The object now inside the planets atmosphere, soars across the sky almost diagonally, still a bright light. The drone, flies high over the clouds and stops, hovering in mid air. It detects the object on its scanners about four miles away, screaming towards it at about 400 miles per hour.

 Drone A.I: Calculating..., insufficient speed to approach and decelerate object from behind, calculating variables..., solution found.

The drone, then lines up in the objects exact path, and flies away from it in the opposite direction. The object, as a result of its speed, quickly closes the gap between itself and the drone. The object, then crashes against the back of the drone, with the speed of the object taking the drone forward with it, but losing speed from it.

Scene: Up close shot of drone.

 Drone: Commencing full deceleration.

The drone then tries to come to a full stop. The objects force, rips through the drone. The drone is destroyed into pieces, but the object is slowed down dramatically. The object, now slightly visible, (but purposely obscured) spins and flips uncontrollably as it loses more speed through the sky. It crash slides into a sandy beach. Scene: View of Oliver's speeding vehicle (ship). Inside, Oliver impatiently sits at the controls, racing to the landing in mystery.

Scene: View is of a blackened, red-stripped planet engulfed in sulfur and fallout. This unstable world sits on the edge of the galaxy, the rivers of lava flowing through the it are visible from space. Julius and Lalinore have been here for some time now. Roaming the outskirts of the galaxy.

Scene: View of an ancient city metropolis, crumbling in ruin and decay.

Julius enters the lower levels of a mega underground facility, and exits the lift (elevator). He walks in to find Lalinore on one knee, gazing at something odd (gigantic blast hole in the facility, going on for what seems like miles).

 Julius: So, they were here Huh?

 Lalinore: ...Yeah..., something happened here, long time now. The high radiation levels here came from this blast.

 Julius: Well, their not here now and there's barely any oxygen left so let's go, our trip here has run its course.

Lalinore's lifeless reply warranted no opposition, he just stands and turns to leave. They enter the lift and make their way back up. Once outside, they proceed to walk back to their ship.

 Lalinore: So, what do you think went on here?

 Julius: Looks like whatever explosion or weapon went off, caused a chain reaction of volcanic eruptions. I scanned most the planet, no sign what did this. But what reason did they have for coming here?

 Lalinore: You know we can't afford to look for them anymore.

Julius looking forward just nods.

 Julius: So what should we be looking for.

 Lalinore: Pods! We don't have much time There should be on one of these worlds. You figured Luna and Jade were looking for us?

 Julius: Possibly, maybe something else.

Lalinore sarcastically turns to Julius.

 Lalinore: Like a significant reason to continue with this existence! yeah, good luck ...maybe death or peace, if it does indeed exist beyond a word.

 Julius: Maybe they found something.

 Lalinore: You do understand the chances of them finding whatever the praetorians are looking for is slim. The case of them doing anything useful with it is as close to impossible as it gets. And yet you still talk like that. Besides that there's the numbers and arsenal. What willing power, would have the capability, and actual numbers to even attempt anything, the hu-.

He's cutoff.

 Julius: I see your point Lan, but it isn't completely impossible. Plus, never count out that small probability. Great things can occur there, like the universe.

 Lalinore: Or maybe even you and I can inevitably end up changing the course of things, right. Julius: There's a chance.

 Lalinore: Oh please!

 Julius: Your useless!

Scene: Inside the ship.

Julius and Lan sit at the controls, punching in commands to take off. Lalinore stares out the bridge at the city in ruin.

 Lalinore: I Wonder whether the entire universe is dead already, It must've died when intelligent life began.

 Julius: Those are some dark thoughts.

 Lalinore: Yup!

 Julius: Well, embrace your emotions while you still can, they'll be gone soon, and forever. Set course for the Segma 2 system.

The ship exits the atmosphere as explosions erupt in the great ruins below.

Scene: Tarth, three hours pass.

Oliver's ship arrives at the impact zone, Mason beach, and lands. Oliver exits almost naked, wearing only the undershorts on his legs and boots on his feet. He can see the deep stretched out crater in the dry sand, he runs towards it.

 Oliver: I hope it didn't suffer any damage.

As Oliver approaches, he begins to dig into the sand to reveal to sunken object. He stands back up in disbelief at what he's partially unearthed.

 Oliver: Could it be!?? It must be, no human can withstand that impact, let alone the conditions in space and atmospheric entry.

Lying partially dug up in the sand is what looks like shiny, titanium-like humanoid male. Oliver kneels down to closely examine the metallic anatomy and structure.

 Oliver: No sign of heat. Oliver slowly places his hand on the metal body. Oliver: It's cool! Sooo...it can resist high amounts of heat, this is why it didn't melt on entry. What type of alloy...?

Unknown to Oliver in his discovery, was the arrival of two men obviously miners. With their dirty clothes, hanging gas masks and flashlight equipped hard hats, they exit a small land cruiser they just arrived in, scouting the area as if looking for something.

 Miner1: Jak look! there's a ship over by the beach, see it. Told'ya, somethin must've happened here, knew I heard it.

 Jak: Ted, by contract, were not supposed to go past the site or city limits, they say it's dangerous.

 Ted: Don't you ever get bored of just goin to the bar after work all the time. Besides it'll only be a few minutes, don't wuss out, you came on your own.

 Jak: What!!

 Ted: Shut up and move.

Then, taking insanely fast tippy toe steps, they quickly sneak all the way over to Olivers ship. Together, they poke their heads out from the corner of the ship, looking for anything. They stand now about 100 feet behind Oliver and the crash.

 Ted: Jak, see the drag marks on the sand? It ends over there. Come on, let's see.

As they begin to walk, Jak instantly grabs Ted.

 Jak: Wait, there's someone there in that hole, with a droid. You think it's that doctor Winthrop, the one who tends to the injured miners.

 Ted: Can't tell, what if.

 Jak: He knows me and could report us, I'm not losing my job and mining permit for this.

 Ted: Ssh, wait look, it's a bald guy.... that's not Winthrop! What the hell!!! What's goin on here?

Looking nervously scared and sweaty, Ted points over to Oliver with his now dripping nose.

 Ted: Is this guy some perv, look at'em.

 Jak: This is weird, I'm scared Ted.

They can see Oliver as he's digging up more dirt, but can't see what fell. Jak with a cowering look on his face yanks down teds collar.

 Jak: Ted! Maybe he's a murderer, burying somebody! Jaks eyes go out at his own terrifying words as Teds confidence and excitement grows.

 Ted: Ok, if that's the case then let's check, we can't just stand here and watch some guy possibly get away with murder.

 Jak: What! Let's get the hell outta here, he could be some maniac killer!

Oliver, finally hearing the commotion and realizing someone's there watching, suddenly turns to their direction in defense, shouting like a mad man in hostility.


Ted frightfully jumps into Jaks arms like baby as Jak stands there trembling.



Oliver, with a demented and demonic like stare, points towards the miners as the droid charges full speed toward them. Ted and Jak break like hell back to their cruiser in terror.

Ted: RUN JAK! He's a mad scientist, a sicko!

 Jak: I don't wanna die! Ahhh!! Oliver stands in shock at the silly event taking place in front of him.

 Oliver: Idiots! I'm on a planet of absolute idiots. S-3, return! Let them be.

Olivers drone returns and he continues his survey. You can see now that he has dug the alien out the sand and can see it laying out in the crater. He tries to flip body over, but can't.

Oliver: Rrrgghh, Wo! this alloy must be extremely dense to have such a high mass, this might be impenetrable. Hmmm, Im betting it has a brain, maybe some organs, and the alloy armor... would protect it from extreme pressure, heat and cold. How high would those levels be? And is it dead.

Oliver places his hand on his chin looking puzzled.

 Oliver: Think, think... It quite possibly could be suffering from head trauma. Yes, that might be it. So let's go see if Mr Winthrop can help, see just how good of a neurologist he is. Take this back to the ship S-3, quickly.

Oliver orders the droid, which takes the alien to the ship, the ship then takes off. Oliver heads to Nelson Winthrop's lab.

Scene: Inside Nelsons lab, a more cluttered and sinister looking one, with prosthetics and machinery showering the background.

Inside, a loud repeating bang comes from the entrance hatch as Nelson walks to open it.

 Nelson: Hold your damn horses you. You better have a good reason for botherin me this...

As Nelson opens the door, all he can do is stand in shocking disbelief at the sight of the droid holding the humanoid and an unclothed Oliver.

 Nelson: What the hell is that! and where in the universe are your f*cking pants!!!

We skip to humanoid being placed by the droid on its chest on top an operating table. Nelson, wearing surgical scopes on his face, carefully searches the back of the synthetics head.

 Nelson: You gonna put some pants on or not, your freaking me out.

 Oliver: Just get on with it.

 Nelson: If this thing does have a brain, there's a good chance it'll have a small component back here to open the cranium. Mmm... There we go.

Nelson presses the small mechanism. The metallic head opens to a view of half a brain, half machine with wiring connected.

 Nelson: This alone should relieve some of the pressure. So let's see. Hmm... half a brain only? Which seems to be connected to some sort of a mainframe. Wow, this is... terrifying. I could never in my life or ten, replicate something like this.

 Oliver: Can you help him or not!?

 Nelson: Well, there's definitely brain swelling, I can drain fluids, apply medication and a coolant to lower the brains temperature. If that doesn't work, I'll perform surgery, removing whatever's causing the swelling. But this is still past my expertise, I don't know what's supporting the brain, or how. This thing can and likely does have severe brain injuries already. No matter where it's made or from.

 Oliver: Yes, I understand, just try your best.

 Nelson: So you said it fell from space, survived entry and impact.

 Oliver: Yes.

 Nelson: Well, from that I can conclude this...thing, is able to take oxygen, even from space, and feed it to the brain. The nervous system should be connected to the brain through these wires, giving it control, maybe senses and feelings also. This alloy must be incredibly durable, but I've never seen anything like this in my life.

 Oliver: I myself have some thoughts on where this alloy may have originated, but never mind that, we're losing time.

 Nelson: Before anything...

Nelson, angry-like, turns his head slowly to Oliver.

 Nelson: I wanna know why you wish to help this thing so bad, is this about your past?

 Oliver: Nelson, we must at least for the sake of science, help it and learn from it. Good things can still come of this, this doesn't concern my past.

 Nelson: Even IF that were the true. What happens when it wakes up, and we're the only thing in its way? You know what theses things are capable of. Do you expect it to do what we ask because we may have saved it? What if word reaches the capitol that we knew and didn't report it? We could be exiled.

 Oliver: Calm down Nelson. I have no interest in putting our lives in danger. We're gonna safely take a chance to learn from this with the time we're gonna have. U can't deny it, this is the chance of a millennia, to study the first one of its kind ever caught.

 Nelson: You don't know that, and what do you mean by safely with the time we're gonna have.

 Oliver: Well after you're done, we're going to bolt it to the ground and report the finding to the capitol. We'll tell them we repaired him for their benefit. They'll have to believe us. If it wakes up willing to cooperate, we might just be able to learn how they work. If not, we can trap it in a electromagnetic cell. Easy enough. Deal?

 Nelson: ...U should know there's a military base orbiting a planet about 1000 A.Us from here. Wouldn't take them longer than 2 months to get here. I'd say that's your time limit. But, sure whatever, just please put on some damn clothes.

 Oliver: Fair enough.

Both stand over the table, backs turned, covering any view of the humanoid being operated on. Oliver, standing by Nelson, watches him at work.

 Nelson: So any idea where it came from? Oliver: Not a clue.

Leave your thoughts  :D

 Hello fellow raiders. I want to start a respectable conversation here, to clear the air a little, but, also to stick up for my fellow writers out there and put out some facts (or opinions) I'm no know it all. Things have been said, some respectable, some unprofessional and some lacking sense. Replies are wanted and welcomed as long as they're respectable or logical, we need to fix this problem. I think a general discussion is in need with proper tips and solutions.

 There have been some heavy blows delivered to some writers here, not with bad intentions, but also, not with real accuracy. I get some of the things beings said and done. Some writers do tend to jump onto the wanted postings with little to nothing to show, most don't have a finished story or script and others (like me) are hesitant to post their stories with the possibility of it being stolen. The latter, we should all understand and not use this to assume that the writer is just not good or not capable enough just for not posting a story. Stories and especially concepts, can be easily stolen :ninja:, which is astronomically more severe than to have drawings stolen (sorry, the truth is we (me) read manga for their stories more than the artwork, no matter how good). It would also seem really hard for someone to build a story from just stolen characters drawings, which would not even be stealing especially if the artist had no story and just drawings. So in this case, the writer has way more to lose. Also know that, Posting your story in a dated forum or even sending yourself a copy or your work through email doesn't qualify as copyright and may fail in court if the situation ever occurred, and there is no such thing as a character copyright, unless it was grandfathered in half a century ago, like Mickey Mouse.  :notunderstand:

Another truth is that, when you have a partnership, it's a partnership. You work 50-50, together, and no member is more deserving than the other, writer nor artist. I write this because, I have seen post implying that a writer should always pay the artist, even in a collaboration, which is absurd, and not how the world works. Why then, shouldn't artist pay writers if the story is always more important. You see, it's not so easy being a good creator and being told you'll have to pay someone to draw a story no matter how good it is, even when some artist are really lacking in writing skills themselves. Writing, to me, is just as hard, if not, more work than what an artist has to do :read:. If you ever really tried to write a manga story, script or screenplay, you should know how hard it is, cause the last part would be the drawing. First off is your concept, you then build on that concept with ideas and plots until you have a basic summary. When you have that summary, you add more to it, events, places, characters and any other details. Now, you have the job of writing the whole thing in a story format with dialogue and full detail. Next you make the script, fully detailing the the scenes and panels accurately. Last but never least, is the story board, which anyone should know, is a b*tch. It's something that I've never really did and something I'm told the writer has to do too, also making him the director, which would be the hardest thing of all this then.  :ohmy:

 I just think the money line is being thrown around too much, also, always in the favor of the artist, and it shouldn't be in favor of anyone, unless one person is gonna own the whole thing. If an artist or writer, is naive/inexperienced enough to work with/for someone who clearly doesn't have, or has not done, what needs to be done from their end, they then have no one to blame but themselves :noyoudon't:. If you know what one party should have or should be capable of, then use that knowledge, if you think they have skills and enough work, partner with them and share ownership. If you don't want the long commitment, then ask to be paid (that's fair), but know, the person paying money, would then fully own the work that's is done. If you don't think a person has the skills or work necessary, then don't work with them and just let them know. The wrong thing, would be to say every other thing about writers needing artist more, and artist needing money, or writers not having any chance unless this and that, or like always, money. Also, don't take someone's money or payment if you clearly don't like their work or have doubts about it, especially if you're not the type to give your thoughts and feedback, that is not a good person, and not the type of person I would work with. Unless work is being done for free, for a writer or artist, a person should never be thrown under the bus or into the flames, to me, even if free.

 Writers are not robots :o (Artist neither) just as anyone else, we need to eat and we also need money to pay for our needs. Artist don't only need payments. I don't think it's alright for someone to say , or, to imply that an artist is the more talented, or the more needed one in a joint effort, which is not true, both are needed the same, and doing and financing all these things alone is hell. I just wish members here were more realistic, this is life, and nothing is easy. Writing is very hard and time consuming (not just drawing) and it's more frustrating to have to rewrite story chapters over and over and then maybe not use them, than it is to fix a drawing (what the hell do I know, I'm no artist, right?). If you thought this, you are right, hehe, just know that if you ever said something like this about writers, they were thinking something similar too. We must learn to work together and not over demand, if not, then work alone. I've come to understand that a manga being made by members here (society x) is being done by a team of two, perfect example of two creative minds working together and appreciating each other, not sure on their terms though, but still, productive.

 I myself have been writing something (2 1/2 years now) I feel it to be a sort of masterpiece (yup, big dreamer here), and I plan to share it and also, look for a partner here in the near future. Money to me though, is and isn't a problem, (not rich, and don't care for money) because, I although have no issue paying someone, I cannot let myself get swindled out of much needed cash that I'm saving for to make this a reality (how much? A lot). I've never posted anything about wanting or needing an artist, or asked anyone for anything on this site, I in fact have been mentoring a young member into becoming a better story writer and I wish I could help more people all the time in any way, but trying to finish my story and having responsibilities takes away time too. In the end, I just don't want my opportunities down the line to work with someone capable, to be affected by silly things that other writers or artist say or do, or cause think that they deserve more than another. I also don't want it to be affected by this very thread, which should never be a reason to not to give a person a chance or not accurately look into their work and give them a respectable response and reason as to why you won't work with them, besides money. We need each other, like it or not, it's too hard trying to do all this by yourself, and if you do this, it will most likely affect your story writing and mental health in my opinion. In the future, I will look to find a professional partner, friend and collaborator, and I will prove my case and I won't be taken advantage of. I know what I'm doing.

 I'm sorry if I've made no sense or broke the forum rules. I just wanted to some set things straight. Good writers are just as hard as artist to come by. And I haven't seen writers talking about needing payment, but I also, haven't seen many well written, really interesting stories "or" drawings on a really professional level for that matter. We should all work on our professionalism. Raider out.

 Ps. Never meant to rant, :glare: I also left stuff out, so this wouldn't look like a damn story, and then get moved to the develop you story section lol. Please don't kick me from the site hasith.  :( I just have a big heart and need for justice. (I'm also crazy) ok i laughed so hard for that last part.  :clapping:  MR Foreverrrrrrrrrr! (Echo)

Welcome Center / New Raider saying hello
« on: January 12, 2015, 03:01:39 AM »
Wow! It took me like an hour to find out how to post this. I feel like such a moron lol. I was all over the place before I read a post the admin wrote about introducing yourself to the community here before anything else, so, here I go. Hi manga lovers, I'm Jonathan. I'm 23 years old and I was born and raised in Brooklyn New York City. I've been an anime fan since like 6 and manga fan since 19. I have a bigger appreciation for manga than anything else though. I don't know where I'd be today if not for the mangaka's, their work and dedication. I am a seinen reader, mostly, I enjoy the mature and complex stories and characters they have. Some manga's I hold most dear to my heart are. Berserk, Eden, Dragon Head, Parasite, Vinland Saga and Shamo. Some anime's are Full Metal Alchemist, Le Chevalier Deon, Cowboy Bebop, High School of the Dead and Death note. Other hobbies of mine include playing and watching football, like the playoffs, which were on today. Messing with my guitars and doin a ton of song writing. I'm also a gamer and I love watching primetime tv shows, like Game of Thrones, True Detective, Black Sails and Vikings. I love to learn from a writers point of view from all these things. Well...maybe not from football. But I study from what I consider great story telling because I am a writer or.....just over my head. I have been writing a graphic novel or manga for some years now. This is partly how I came to this forum after a simple google search for a list of manga writers lead me here, a place that I was unknowingly looking for. After I seen the forums for writer's and artist and drawings and sharing, I knew this was the place I needed but thought never existed. In the long run, what I hope to find in this forum are artist to collab with in the future to make a great manga. But, that part is not now. This is just a small step for me in the right direction, I hope. Soon enough I'll have the right amount of material I'll need to make my Dream come true. Till then, I wish to just be a humble manga raider and make some friends.

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