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Topics - Lumaria

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Develop Your Story / Danny Phantom Reboot
« on: August 06, 2015, 03:25:49 AM »
So i'm still weary about sharing my original works. However, i decided i would at least share my fanfictions. So here's one for Danny Phantom. Its more of a re-imagination if Danny Phantom had no limits to being a nickelodeon children's cartoon, and more of a young-adult series. Major changes have been made.

Also, i just want to point out, that this isn't designed as a manga but more of an independent western comic closer to "Supernatural". This is just a "Preview". i'll post the full chapter later on.

Chapter 1 (currently not even close to being finished...
A dark green castle with black clouds over it. A group of mysterious figures covered in white robes. In a surrounding one in particular wearing a black robe chained up onto a stake. He has white hair, and slightly green eyes and holds a white smile.

White Robe#1: What do you have to say for yourself?

White Robe#2: Are you not in the least ashamed of what you've done?

Black Robe: Hehehehe...Not at all. I was having quite a thrill.

WHite Robe#3: You fool! You've ruined all of our plans, and for what? Personal amusement?

Black Robe: hahahaha. Yes, why not?

White Robe#4: Out of all people, i thought you would help us in our goals.

Black Robe: You really dont know me at all. You must be insane if you think i would go along.

White Robe#1: Enough. for defying the order, your punishment is to be erased.

A white portal is beneath him appears and begins to suck him in. The man's face is shown completely and he begins to laugh maniacally

Black Robe: You really don't know a single thing about me. You still underestimate me?

White Robe#2: Silence.

The black robed man breaks free from his chains and disapears. Laughing loudly.

White Robe#4: Everyone, send your armies and do a full-scale search! He shouldn't have gone far!

White Robe#3: Understood. We wont let him interfere.

A city strongly resembling New Orleans' French Quarter. Dark clouds with a hint of green. A french sign says "Amity Park"

A large moving truck drives toward a house. A second car parks behind Two people come out of the car. They are two older couple with goggles hanging on their shoulders. The two direct two men in uniform to move boxes into the house.

A young man gets out the back seat of the second car. His has black hair, blue eyes, and wearing a red hoodie where he covering his hair and swiping with his smartphone.

Boy: We're finally here...Another new town, another new set of complete strangers staring at us.

Man: No need to be upset, Danny. We told you two months ahead of time. Enough for you to spend time with your friends and have your goodbyes. You did say your goodbyes, right?

Boy looks at his smartphone showing a group picture of his friends.

Danny: Yeah...

Woman: I know its been rough. But you'll make new friends. How about this, we will unpack and set the room just how you like it. Just look around.

Danny: Sure mom. Whatever you say.

Man: Oh Danny, one more thing. Take this EMF detector. Might as well get some readings for us as you're looking around town. The reason why we moved here was because of the high paranormal activity. This town is known for being the most haunted place in the world and if we're going to disprove the myths of ghosts-

Danny: --Yeah, i got it dad. Just give it here. It's not like i'm going to be making new friends anytime soon, we'll just leave and forget they ever existed.

Danny takes the device out of his dad's hands and walks away with his hands in his pocket and leans in.

Danny's Mom: You should help him through this. We dont normally get to settle in a place. 

Danny's Dad: He may not realize it now, but i'm doing this for him. All our research can take place here, and with this much activity, i wont be finished until we find every piece of evidence.

Danny's Mom: Very well, i'm going to unpack his stuff.

A  foggy park with trees. Danny is walking around with the EMF detector. Some people stare at him.


Members Workshops / Ask me to draw your characters
« on: July 11, 2015, 01:14:14 AM »
If you have a rather "poor" design of your characters, i am willing to re-draw it from what i can see.

It will be just a picture from a cell phone, but i assure you it will be "adequately" drawn.

The reason why i'm offering to draw your characters is because often times the level of drawing also matches the level of art. If the art is cartoony, funky, and overall not that great, the author may feel not to push further for a better and more adequate story.

If you start seeing your own characters drawn more intricately and realistically than it might push you to write your story with the same perspective.

How to Request:

When asking for me to redraw your character please label how much you want me to modify. There is three modifications.

Light = Very little to no modifications, everything is kept on-point. The only difference will be giving it a more realistic and more anime-esque approach.

Medium = Some significant changes made, but still distinguishable from the original design.

Heavy = Some major "changes" rather than additions or re-imagined. The heavy changes is meant for those who want to make a complete change in their story but still keep the characters they want and have no idea what to change or what perspective to go from.

MR Pub / decided on a name-change.
« on: July 06, 2015, 03:07:18 AM »
I decided to name myself "Lumaria". So that's that.

based off one of my favorite characters that i've written.

*Lunacy - Noche does not become the dark lord, Kremas  becomes the new goddess and Noche goes to a sanctuary where he visits her and noche has grown up and overcome his demons with women. He is married to what suggested to be with lucia. All earthbound have been I radicated to later parts of the story. Eris is grown up. Noche's mother never changed, new characters have had happy to decent endings. Alexis has grown to have real feelings for sebastian.

*Kairiku - story begins with three mermaid friends in a world where mermaids are discriminated. When one human defends one of them, they begin to be friends. Part 1 of the story One of the mermaids gets jealous of the human, believes her crush is falling for the human, but they both discover their feelings are mutual and become a couple. Part 2, two human girls have a secret relationship, discovered by the new mermaid couple. They plead to not getting revealed and the y agree despite not understanding why. They become friends. Part 3 the same human girl and third mermaid have been getting along, both hiding their feelings and get persecuted by other humans for just being friends. Human defends herself but mermaid hasn't. At one point the mermaid defends human for once and confess their feelings. Part 4 is about how they try to have a relationship but kept secret. A separate mermaid and human boy fall for them. Causing a love square. Part 6 they decide to not care about anyone else and become public with their relationship

*Terra Stregada - they manage to escape the game. They met their goal and cleansed the MMORPG and it is no longer called Terra Stregada but renamed back to the original MMORPG that was once popular but mysteriously disappeared several years ago. Characters decide to quit the game and in their own way have matured. But caprice still feels like the game is haunting her despite having her fill of entertainment

General Manga writer discussions / getting tired of manga
« on: June 27, 2015, 04:36:04 AM »
Is anyone else feeling like this? I just feel recently a lot of the newer series are just recycling the older stuff. I still see plenty room for originality but at the same time, I think this new generation of manga and anime hasn't been trying

Most times people want to write a fantasy world where multiple stories are taking place. They fall into several traps that just make it difficult to handle.

Plan what you will introduce to readers
Often times there is already a planned timeline, but the author doesn't plan how each story the important aspects will be revealed. When creating multiple stories, author must first plan the first story readers will read that will  introduce most of what the reader needs to know when it comes to the other stories.

Don't get too complex
The biggest problem i see is when a writer feels they need to make an overly complex world filled with tiny details about nations, and other things to their reader in order to make multiple stories. This is a sign that the reader didn't plan ahead of time what kind of series it will be.

When you plan for a multi-story series. make sure all the stories are somehow connected, but also that you don't make your world too complicated. Worlds change or introduce new things in each story, focus on what you will introduce on each story. If all stories will rely on the same elements, then don't put too much emphasis on the other aspects that were already introduced to readers unless expansion is needed.

Don't tell your readers there will be multiple stories
This is something that reader's don't need to know about. All they need to know is what story you are currently developing. Also, to make sure you don't slip up and introduce something you expect readers to understand and then don't.

When i see many people write stories. They often add what they believe people will enjoy. Fast paced action, romance, and several other things.

But because people don't try to "EARN" their audience, they fall into key mistakes such as bad pacing, not revealing or implanting the right ideas, or forgetting to implant them. Mostly, it does the assumptions for readers.

Here are the common mistakes of what happens when people assume they have an audience, and don't try to earn them:


This is "the" most common mistake i have ever seen when it comes to writers. Certain stories implant ideas or questions. But sometimes the story does not let readers know those questions are recognized within the story. This is a serious flaw as it causes the reader to ask not only the necessary questions but the unnecessary questions. It also makes it harder to distinguish between necessary and unnecessary.

Lets say for example there is two separate stories: one is about a "vague" box, and the other is about a "mysterious" box. The vague box is a story about a box that has all shapes of abilities. Even if the traits are consistent and point to a direction if the plot doesn't recognize the consistency and what is unknown about the box, then it will not be mysterious. it will be vague.

The mysterious box establishes the exact same things the vague box established. it does it one step further, it establishes the questions and what needs to be known in order for the plot to continue. It not only establishes whats known, but establishes the questions that want to be answered (so that the reader doesn't ask these questions, the story asks it for them).

This falls similar to what separates mystery and vagueness, but in order for people to have suspense, the interest for such element is intended to be suspenseful needs to be established. Suspense will never be 100% with all readers as not all readers will value the same thing. The best one can do is establish "reasons" to care or be interested insuch things in order to build suspense for readers.

Building or hinting a "reward" for the readers is also something that allows them to continue reading. if something is put on suspense for no reason, why will readers continue reading.

I've seen this more than enough. But characters will always and forever be instrumental to plots. All stories have some form of characters, whether it is living thing or an inanimate object.

Characters don't always control events. But that doesn't mean one should value events more to the point of no proper character development. I've seen writers push this on the side thinking readers are interested enough on the other elements. But if the character is not interesting enough, why will all the other elements matter? All other elements help emphasize on the other story elements.

granted, sometimes there are genuine ideas that would be interesting regardless of what character you portray. For example: Luke Skywalker isn't that original, but many of the other ideas such as lightsabers, the force, death star.Then again...the story didn't rely on just luke to be interesting, other main characters such as Han Solo and Princess Leiah brought chemistry with the world around them.

Think about not just the story elements.

Earning your readers is not missing any opportunities to expand or establish more information. Don't confuse quantity with quality. i'm not saying spoil everything away. But whatever you do establish use it the most of your ability and expand as much as you possibly can to gain readers attention for the more grittier questions that will be answered later on (and yes, also establish that too) Put the most valuable pieces of information that will keep the story moving forward. Remember the first chapter is the reflection of the entire story depending on how you start it off. Does your story start off concise, clear, and well grounded? If not, do not expect your readers to believe it will change in future chapters.

Sharing a story obviously means more than just sharing your ideas, but also valuing the reader's time and energy to read someone elses story. Granted they read it for free, but if they were paying for it, would you sell it? Realistically think if your stories were being sold, how many would buy it, and how many would  want refund.

This involves more than those who want to be published.

break Room / If i stay
« on: June 02, 2015, 11:45:34 PM »
As i said before, i want to improve. But i also don't want to waste my time. Half the time i'm juggling between reviewing other works (half-appreciated) and then waiting for my works to be reviewed.

This forum was sold to me as a place to work with people and developing writing skills. i don't ask for a lot, but i do ask for some reviews every now and then. I want to improve just as much as the next person (i think, i dont even know anymore).

And i'm not even asking for immediate reviews as of today or thorough analysis of flaws. I'm simply asking for first impressions, or what kind of stories do you see the appeal to. At this moment, my time is limited.

I been promoted and my job demands much more....I also would appreciate Moderators paying more attention to stalkers who only comment for the sake of arguing.

THE ONLY REASON I"M CONTEMPLATING IT is because of the strong response in PMs

break Room / i think i'll be leaving soon.
« on: May 31, 2015, 04:45:26 PM »
I'm thinking about leaving here.

So far, its the same old thing....someone intentionally disregards advice, or perhaps  intentionally asking for a response only to disregard it. Its far too childish at this point. I'm looking for a place that actively wants to improve and is willing to read a story and tell the reader what the fundamental issues are without anyone getting into squabbles.

I've been looking around so far, and i've seen great promise elsewhere. I dont expect a heart-felt goodbye. But if i do leave, i will be taking my stories with me and any other thread started by me.

There seems to be an issue with certain people believing that constructive criticism needs to have advise. That is not the case. Constructive criticism is there to help the writer (regardless whether he believes it is helpful or not). The intention has to be that the writer can put the review to use in order to work with.

And to some people, finding a way to fix an issue is good critique. It is not. Keep in mind that criticism is purely giving an opinion on what was read. This doesn't mean that opinions are synonymous with advice.


1) There is no perfect answer to solving problems.
When people review a story, their not going to know the writer's intention. especially for new writers where they have an extremely hard time portraying the proper intention. A reader can read it entirely different, but regardless readers still know enough to what makes good writing and bad writing. regardless of what the story is about. If a reader doesn't understand a scene, for being vague, how can the reader give specific advise on how to make certain aspects of the story better?

2) Allows to develop critical thinking.
Most of the time, when people are reviewing stories, its more than just plot holes or anything purely story-related. Most of the criticism comes within the writing itself. "How" its written becomes the problem. Pacing, development, consistency and overall focus is what most writers get criticized for.

There's absolutely no way a reader/editor can tell someone how to think critically. It has to come from the writer and put efort in seeing the issue and why its an issue. This also means reviewing other series and why its good as oppose to other series. Reviewing other works, and really think hard on to why you enjoy something or why you feel it has good writing.

3) Gives Writer more freedom
I dont know why writers ignore this particular aspect, but not giving specific advise on how to fix it allows writers the freedom to choose what they consider is the best solution to make both the writer and the reader happy (this coincides with reason #1). I honestly don't know why many writers ignore this particular aspect.

You are "NOT" helpless. you can figure out a way to write a good story purely on things to work on. Yes occasionally someone will need more help to get . The greatest writers come from receiving little to no advice and really working on themselves and their critical thinking. If you believe that the only way to get better is with advise only, then that's where the "helpless" and "incompetent" act comes in.

And yes, its an "act". A person who admit that they see the problem but can't find a way to fix it, will kindly ask for more elaboration rather than arguing that the advise given was of to no use. Those are the true commendable writers. Those who at least recognize the problem and want to fix it and tried to think for themselves, and positively take in what it is.

So the actors will be the one who refuse to address anything or even attempt to see the reader's perspective on why its an issue. They will claim the problem is that there was no advice. But they have full power to turn what was said into something else.

If one critiques some thing and you truly don't understand why they said it, ask to elaborate (but don't criticize the critique) but don't complain about it. After all, one is also giving you the benefit of the doubt that you can fix an issue purely by knowing what the problem is.

Suggestions And Feedback / New section dedicated to story-games
« on: April 16, 2015, 08:34:30 PM »
There's a huge trend of using MR Canon and other stories into a game more than a genuine story to develop. Andyet it takes over the "Develop your story" section.

I believe we should make a separate section dedicated to making those games so the develop your story section doesn't get crowded and focused more on actually developing stories.

not saying that we should prohibit these time of thread,s but move them in a more convenient and more suitable area.

Manga Talk / ONE PIECE: Why you shouldn't take inspiration from it.
« on: March 18, 2015, 08:35:10 PM »
One Piece, a popular manga among boys and men who were once boys.

Many of these get inspired to make their own manga, and the vast majority of the time One Piece always seem to be the main inspiration. One Piece however, is a very unique manga. It is manga that's hard to justify why is so incredibly popular, and because of that, not even their own fans understand 100% what makes it so great.

So when these attempt to make their own manga with inspiration from One Piece, they use what they believe makes it good. The heavily over-simplified premise, a character with a generic goal, and a group of quirky characters is usually what ends up when you see.

First off know One Piece's strengths and what makes it good.

Luffy is a happy-go-lucky character who is annoying, eats a lot, and is overly cheery the vast majority of the time. That is NOT what makes him interesting. In fact, if the author did not recognize how annoying those qualities are, then none of the readers would continue to like him. Luffy is interesting by the fact that he has other hidden qualities. Qualities that other characters see and are moved enough to join him.

One Piece wouldn't be so interesting if Luffy had a character not as interesting if the first crew members were just as annoying as he was, and didn't do much to earn luffy's trust and vice versa. When you see Zoro join Luffy's crew, thats were the curiosity of the duo and how it will be.

Luffy's hidden qualities is that he's kind and will do anything to help his friends. Luffy is often just a tad unpredictable, and its that unpredictability that catches other characters by surprise.

One of the strengths of One Piece is how each time Luffy manages to add in one more crew member each time. Each new member being more interesting and seemingly more difficult to earn Luffy's trust. (although certain ones also see the unity within the crew more than Luffy himself).

Second off, the world of One Piece. One thing is for sure and that is that the world itself wasn't the strongest aspect. Not at first. The world was mostly that of a pirate vs navy and searching for the one piece treasure. There are some more and more quirks that make this world interesting, but its clear as day its 100% original. Many ideas were based from other sea stories, but there were also many more original ideas never taken from anywhere else.


One Piece has a distinct formula. Luffy's character both the face-value and deep-rooted ones is what makes him good. When creating a character, do not get inspired by  his character type. Luffy is designed to appear annoying at first (and characters recognizing that) and then luffy surprsiing thme to see theres more than just that.

Recognize that when you create a character happy-go-lucky is often associated with "ANNOYING" and "TYPICAL". If you choose to create such a character, know that its not his initial qualities that will make your reader enjoy him, its the other characters being more realistic and grounding the story. It is them that will help you connect with the quirky odd (annoying) character and ignore the annoying qualities for the good ones.

The world doesn't need to be explained 100%, but there needs to be a "system" or "law" in this world that is clear to see and must be consistent. despite not being 100% clear in the first few chapters of One Piece, there was a strong consistency at least with the world. What kind of time-frame there is. What kind of culture its inspired from and what limits there are. these are all things to take consideration.

General Manga writer discussions / Lorenx review breakdown
« on: November 29, 2014, 01:31:42 AM »
Many people don't understand, or exaggerate my review methods....so i decided to give a full break down on the review process so no more inaccuracies occur.

First of all, when i read a story, i fully intend to read the story with the genre and themes the writer had intended or implemented in the summary by the writer. With that said, sometimes the writer doesn't add a specific theme, or perhaps does write something else entirely different from that genre or themes.

So the majority of my review will be based entirely on trying to work with the original idea and if there are any other ideas that get in the way. However, its not always possible to stick to the original idea. Some stories flaws are indeed in the the core by having two conflicting ideas or themes. In those cases, i often mention two possibilities...choosing to go to one idea already implemented, or go to the other.

The second thing i look into is dialogue...how consistent it is, and how much its trying to tell me about the characters. Many people confuse "attitude" with "personality". Knowing the distinction helps build a character early. If i can't tell what kind of character the writer is trying to portray in halfway through the first chapter, the writer didn't try hard enough. Some writers believe they should make characters really typical and then reveal their personality in later chapters, which is a flaw in writing.

Other issues i pay attention to is the one i normally don't look into, but when it comes to manga, this particular issue always arises. The issue is relating to writing about Japanese culture. I always believe the safest way to write about a Japanese setting is keeping dialogue as neutral as possible when it comes to specific dialogue. If you added too much specific phrasing, it can be a bit of an issue.

For example: You rarely see manga saying a lot of words such as "dude" and "bro" a lot. If you do ever see that, its usually done for comedic effect and it will most likely be in a translated English publish which localized the original phrasing.

So with that said, i see a lot of English specific phrasing, misuse of honorifics, and exaggerated misunderstanding of Japanese culture (such as when one should bow to another).

The last thing i look for (but always happens to be the first thing i have to point out) is the formatting. There are two types of scripting formatting that many don't understand. There is one intended for the reader. The second is the one i personally find the least helpful and that is intended fro the artist (divide by panel and pages). If you want to share a script for people to read and review the story, always choose the one intended for readers. But many people make the common mistake of revealing information through the scripting format, not within the story itself.

For example:
Joey walks into the sanctuary of altazar, He is the main character, he died but revided later that night.

Joey: Hi.

As hilarious as this sounds, this is exactly what people do. If this was translated into a manga, none of that information in the background would've been revealed.

Why i look for these things: These issues is what grows and grows if not taken care of. If you're all getting annoyed by how much i push my review its probably because you wont get better until the issue is revised. You don't just get better ignoring issues even when you recognize it is. In the end, the story will be affected the most.

I still leave room for new writers to improve. I dont mention all the issues all at once....I mention few at a time to see of the writer.can improve on them.

General Manga writer discussions / When to NOT use honorifics
« on: November 18, 2014, 03:43:52 PM »
Most people in the forum know about Japanese honorifics. Obviously they are part of establishing social status.

But honorifics aren't used all the time. For example: In bleach, Orihime is known to refer to Ichigo as "kurosaki-kun" but in later chapters, she would transition to referring him without honorifics, and then using just his first name.

Some times its interchangeable depending on the conversation. I've seen many times that a character would keep it at a last name-honorific basis in every day conversation but when characters start to get emotional, it might slip out more often. People might call out by their first name or by their last name without honorifics. Which leads to the other reason to not use Japanese honorifics...and its usually to show disrespect to someone.

Keep in mind not all honorifics are used at all times even if the social norms dictate it. Someone can refer to someone as -kun or -san when speaking to them but might drop it altogether if they are talking about the person and the person is not present. But it depends on the situation...perhaps at a workplace it would not be appropriate to drop the honorific.

Common Mistakes

So...lets first clear up the issue with the usage of -san. San is used to refer to people of equal social status and unless they are good friends who have familiarity, san would be appropriate. But if there are a group of close friends and they are very familiar with each other. Honorifics would most likely be dropped dropped. Another thing to note is that first name basis would have to be either asked or told. A girlfriend might get annoyed if her boyfriend refers to her by her last name and honorific rather than her first name.

But there are exceptions. If a last name is too difficult to pronounce or  the person grew up far more by his first name basis, the person would most likely ask others to refer to them by first name.

-chan is used for family usually with daughters and sisters. Can be used by males to put a certain female friend in high regard but also among female friends. Now this is where some people go overboard with honorific and have a group of female friends all call eachother -chan. Its usually used to refer younger.

-kun is usually referred to males. The rules with -kun have been a bit inconsistent throughout my personal history when it comes to the word. It can be used by senior status to refer to someone of lesser status. Or to any male who have familiarity. Now what I have noticed (and this isnt a hard rule), male characters do NOT refer to each other as -kun for very long or at all. It is usually females that use -kun much more often. Females can be referred to as kun and its usually in a workplace following the first possible usage.

Develop Your Story / Lunacy (Special editor group request)
« on: November 18, 2014, 12:23:26 AM »
As i look back on reviews....i noticed there were some that were far too polar from each other.....and the more i read them, there are certain ones that didn't like it to the point that they didn't understand the goal of the story. It feels like my story is becoming more and more of a "typical" manga, and not just an original story with the manga tropes and archetypes. Its to the point that i feel like my story is spelling out almost everything.

I feel like i'm Nanamine from Bakuman, who was being swayed by too many varying opinions who probably want something else entirely out of my story. It was to the point that he didn't like

So i decided that i will be requesting a special group of "editors" for Lunacy. Now obviously i will not be accepting anyone. The biggest condition understanding exactly what i intend for the first few chapters. As those are the chapters i'm going to use to build up the rest of the story and pattern of the arc.

Just because i have an editor group does not mean i wont be accepting anyone else's reviews or critiques. I will be accepting all reviews, but the editors are to help me stay in the direction i originally intended.

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