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Messages - Icanttakecritiscism

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 9
1
Develop Your Story / Re: Lux Tenebris (Manga in the Making)
« on: October 19, 2015, 07:10:34 PM »
I gave a full and detailed critique on why it was cliché but it was deleted.

Don't talk about something you know nothing about/doesn't concern you, another good rule of thumb.

Actually, in that quote it states that my comments were removed.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selective_perception

2
Develop Your Story / Re: Lux Tenebris (Manga in the Making)
« on: October 19, 2015, 04:05:27 PM »
Some directions would be useful, though. Even small things: for example, with the flash and bang I know I'd want to know the passing of time between the two (since I'd calculate the speed of sound and determine how far the explosion was and know where to draw it).

3
Develop Your Story / Re: Lux Tenebris (Manga in the Making)
« on: October 19, 2015, 04:01:40 PM »
I'm interested in helping others, but this is NOT achieved by sugarcoating it. As it stands, his work IS cliché. It's not even an opinion, something either is or isn't. If he doesn't want to believe that, that's on him. But removing my comments (constructive, ironically) on his work is unacceptable.

4
Develop Your Story / Re: Lux Tenebris (Manga in the Making)
« on: October 19, 2015, 03:58:36 PM »
It was constructive. I'm going to appeal this, it's unacceptable to do this when other people can say whatever they want on this forum.

5
Develop Your Story / Re: Rock Star!- Updated Chapter (Critique Needed)
« on: October 19, 2015, 02:15:48 PM »
This is an honest and blunt critique. If you're a carebear and/or easily offended, don't read it.

Spoiler
INTRODUCTION
Many Awkwardly vague tales tell of a magical star that lies hidden on Earth A real star? The Sun is extremely small, and would already turn the Earth into a ball of magma if it was much closer. Having a star on Earth would destroy it.. A celestial body Scientific terms followed by magic? No thanks. It'd be like biologically classifying the monsters in Lord of the Rings. said to grant a wish to anyone who finds it and lasts forever The star, the wish, the person?. It has been named the Eternity Star. By whom?

AFTERNOON, TRAIN Good evening, Bus., ALTO TOWN
(The scene is focused on a young man sleeping inside of a moving train Awkwardly worded. . The young manRepetition is named Tobi Mispelling names is not cool Airs. Tobi is wearing a sleeveless, purple hoodie unzipped; exposing his chest Might as well not wear anything at all at that point. Also, if he's this macho, wouldn't he avoid wearing purple?, purple knee-length pants You'll find those are called shorts., and black sandals. He has short and spiky, bright purple hair, and purple eyes I'm pretty sure purple eyes is a disease in human beings.. He also stands 5 feet and 7 inches tall I stand five kelvin.. He also sportsArchaic. a clear crystal pendant necklace Redundant. You said the same thing twice. and has an large intricate tattoo of a gryphon's Griffin's head on his chest. The train comes to a stop, waking Tobi up. )

Conductor- Last stop, Alto Town! (People stoodand up and begin exiting the train.)
Tobi- (Yawns) Man Which man?, here already? That didn't take long. Not that much further. I'll be in Ox Town in no time. I'm getting a clinically insane vibe from this guy. (Stomach growls.) Man Which man?, I'm hungry. I bet there's a restaurant or something around here. (Begins walking.)We don't know where he is, and you've not described anything yet. I'll assume he's still sitting down and starts walking while sitting down. I gotta use the bathroom, too. Nah, I bet I can hold it in.

AFTERNOON, FOUR DUCKS DINER, ALTO TOWN
(The scene is focused on a young woman Everyone's young in this. that is working in a diner. The diner Répétition is called the "Four Ducks Diner" as the sign outside suggests Sentient signs killed my parents.. The diner is filled with customers despite it's small size. The young woman working is named Kaya. Kaya Repetitivo is wearing a short-sleeved white shirt with the word "DUCK" on it An shirt would mean a buttoned one, so presumably you meant a T-shirt., a blue skirt, and black dress sandals Dress sandals?!?!. She has shoulder length wavy and wild light blue hair Wild blue isn't a colour. Unless you meant wavy and wild, which is an oxymoron., tied back into a ponytail with an orange bandana Bandanas aren't use to tie ponytails., and blue eyes Mangas are black and white though... I never understood the point of colour descriptions.. Kaya also stands 5 feet and 5 inches tall. She sports a blue and orange bracelet on her left arm and is holding a tray full of food in her right hand.)

Man 1- Can I get some more ramen over here!?
Man 2- I'd like 3 bottles of sake!
Man 3- Hey Kaya! How about some steak!
Kaya- Sure thing everyone! We'll have it ready in no time. (smiles)

(A heavyset bald man wearing a white t-shirt, apron, brown pants, and black boots walked Are you going for present or past? You keep mixing the two. up behind Kaya with a bowl of ramen in his hand. His name is Mr. Hans German?. A boy named Jin is sitting in a stool Ouch! How does he fit IN it?at the bar. He is wearing a white t-shirt with a duck on it, blue shorts, and red sneakers. He also has short and messy brown hair, and brown eyes. Fanfiction like description.)

Mr. Hans- Business sure has been booming ever since you decided to work here Translation: People come here since you're *censored*ing hot.. Here you go, Jin. (Gives Jin the bowl of ramen.)
Kaya- It's because I'm such a good waitress. Tehe. "Tehe" is not a sound I've ever heard.
Jin- Really? All the guys say you're good to look at. I'd love to bend you over the table and *censored* you right now.
Kaya- That too. (smiles) "I'm a woman so I love creepy sexual advances."
Mr. Hans- With of all of these customers you're bringing in, I'll be able to do some renovating in no time. "I'd love to bash down your walls."
Kaya- That also means only a few more paychecks and I can go after the Eternity Star. So casual for something so powerful.
Man 3- Still going on about that star, huh? Hahaha! You think You'd think someone would have found it by now if it actually exists.
Man 1- Hell, I wouldn't mind finding that thing myself. Haha! No one laughs every sentence.
Jin- What's an Eternity Star? It's clearly a proper noun. Can this guy even grammer?
Kaya- It's a magical star that grants one wish to those who finds it So casual.. It's really hard to find and is said to be the most beautiful thing in the world Also about 7000 degrees and 1,000,000,000x the size of the Earth. Fun stuff. And I'm going to find it!
Jin- A wish? That's so cool! I'd wish to be a superhero and beat up all the bad guys! If this guy is older than 8 then that's a dumb thing to say.
Kaya- Tehehe. Again, weird Onomatopeia. That's a great wish. Murdering people is a good use of it, admittedly. (Looks up at clock.) 5ALWAYS use letters in a text. already? Well, looks like my shift is up. I'll be in the restroom like usual. "If you want to see me naked, now's the time." (Walks away)

(A slim man wearing a red bandana, a black t-shirt, baggy brown pants, and black shoes walks up towards the counter of the bar. He snatches Mr. Hans' wallet Conveniently placed on the counter? and dashes for the exit.)
Mr. Hans- My wallet!! Someone stop that thief!

AFTERNOON, ALTO TOWN
(The scene is focused on Tobi running through the town while holding onto his groinCrotch..)

Tobi- I'm gonna explode!! (Sees a sign that reads Four Ducks Diner.) Alright, I'm saved! There has to be a bathroom in there! (Tobi bursts through the diner's doors.) I GOTTA PEE!!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InxbyHdiZDA
Thief- (Trying to stop himself.) What the...?! A good criminal wouldn't be shocked.
(The thief is interrupted when Tobi runs right into him knocking him down Unless he's hulk, he'd fall down too., but Tobi continues running until he reaches the bar counter.)
Tobi- Is there a bathroom in this place?! There's a legal obligation to have a toilet in a public place, I'm pretty sure.
Mr. Hans- Uh, yeah. It's on your to yourright and in the back.
Tobi- Thanks! (Tobi dashes into the restroom.)
Man 1- The kid knocked the guy out cold.
Man 2- Well, he was running pretty fast.

(Kaya is just stepping into the shower wearing a towel Wouldn't that get the towel wet?. Tobi bolts past her and enters a stall.)
Kaya- Huh?!
Tobi- (From inside the stall.) Awwwww. No.(Tobi exits the stall and stands in front of Kaya.) Man, I almost wet myself. That would have been embarrassing, Shahaha Shahaha?. (Looks at Kaya.) Oh, I didn't see you there. Yo.
Kaya- PERRRRRVERRRRT!! Says the person wearing a wet towel in the bathroom.

AFTERNOON, FOUR DUCKS DINER, ALTO TOWN
(Tobi is sitting on a stool at the bar alongside Jin. He has comical bruises I've met a few women who were abused and had comical bruises all over his face. Kaya is now fully clothed and is standing behind the bar next to Mr. Hans. Tobi is eating a plate full of what seems to be hand sized pies. But they're secretly arsenic laced socks.)

Tobi- Man, these things are great! What are they?
Mr. Hans- Tobi, is it? Haven't you eaten a meat pie before? They're the town's specialty.
Tobi- This is the first I've heard of them. They're awesome!
Kaya- Why should he be getting free food after what he did?! He's clearly a crazy pervert. Shut the *censored* up.
Man 3- Hahaha! What a lucky kid! Hey, what did she look like kiddo? ...
(Kaya quickly punches the man, knocking him out of his chair.) ...
Kaya- (angrily) Idiot.
Tobi- I don't know, the same I guess.
Kaya- Don't answer him you idiot!!
Tobi- Yo, Mr. Baldy.
Mr. Hans- I have a name you know. Good to meet you, you know.
Tobi- I'm just wondering, why am I getting this food for free? Did I win a contest or something? Talks to himself and is stupid. Clinically insane?
Mr. Hans- Huh, you mean you don't know. You stopped that thief from stealing my wallet when you came in here. You ran right through the guy. Into.
Tobi- Really? I don't remember that at all. ...
Jin- (Notices Tobi's tattoo on his chest.) Is that the "Adventurer's Mark"?! No.
Tobi- What this thing? Yeah, it's the Mark of Adventure. You say tomato, I say tomato.
Jin- Seriously?! Then you must be real strong, right? Can you show me some moves, I wanna be real strong too!
Tobi- Sure, I'll show you some after I'm done eating if you want.

Kaya- No you will not! I won't let Jin hang around a pervert like you!
Jin- Awe, but I wanna be real strong like him.
Kaya- Besides, if you're really an adventurer then why aren't you off on a job or something?
Tobi- Well, this town doesn't have an Adventurer's Guild and the closest one is in Ox Town. That's where I'm headed.
Mr. Hans- Ox Town? That town is only a few villages over. If you take a train, you could be there in no time.
Jin- Hey Tobi, why are you going to Ox Town? Are you going to fight someone?
Tobi- No, I'm looking for the Eternity Star.
Kaya- (surprised) E-Eternity Star?!?! What do you know about the Eternity Star?!
Tobi- Only that it's hard to find and grants wishes. Why?
Jin- Hey! Kaya's gonna be the one to find the Eternity Star, not you!!
Tobi- Huh?
Kaya- Jin, shut up! W-What he meant to say was...
Tobi- Shahahaha!
Kaya- What's so funny?
Tobi- Nothing, it's just that I'm gonna be the one to find the Eternity Star. I don't care what it takes, even if I might die finding it. I've made a promise to someone that I plan on keeping. So even if I have to travel to Hell and back, I'll be the one to find it.
Kaya- (angrily) Oh yeah! Well, it's my dream to find the Eternity Star and I'll do whatever it takes too! So I'm gonna be the one to find it! How about that! (Sticks out tongue.)
Tobi- (angrily) Yeah right! As if I'm gonna let you beat me to it! And just how do you plan to find it, when I've got this! (takes off necklace and flaunts in her face.)
Kaya- (angrily) Like I care about some stupid necklace!
Tobi- (angrily) Well, this stupid necklace just so happens to be connected to the Eternity Star itself!
Kaya- Seriously?!?!
Jin- That's so cool!
Tobi- Ha, I win. (smiles)
 

Will do the rest later.

6
Develop Your Story / Re: Rock Star!- Updated Chapter (Critique Needed)
« on: October 19, 2015, 01:40:56 PM »
If you make a plot twist just to have one or to surprise people, then it's probably wiser to not have one at all.

7
Develop Your Story / Re: Lux Tenebris (Manga in the Making)
« on: October 19, 2015, 06:07:43 AM »
It's really cliché, in my opinion.

8
Develop Your Story / Alternate History Short Story WW2 Axis Victory
« on: October 18, 2015, 09:57:18 AM »
      POOTIS

9
He has awful writig, you can tell in his posts.

10
Suggestions And Feedback / Re: Moderator abuse of power
« on: August 25, 2015, 04:30:24 PM »
It doesn't, I believe in helping people without any compensation.

11
Suggestions And Feedback / Re: Moderator abuse of power
« on: August 25, 2015, 04:29:10 PM »
"Look no further, I'm your man. I'm between Pratchett and Tolkien" That sort of egotistic stuff.

That is an insanely huge amount for such a low amount of pages (especially with poor writing).

12
MR Pub / Re: Chit chat Topic
« on: August 25, 2015, 04:27:41 PM »
I did take out the time to write a full critique.

13
Suggestions And Feedback / Re: Moderator abuse of power
« on: August 25, 2015, 04:24:33 PM »
He has potential, but he writes badly. He could easily improve if he didn't think his work was flawless and worthy of insane pricing.

14
MR Pub / Re: Chit chat Topic
« on: August 25, 2015, 04:22:41 PM »
So that's fine but a legitimate comment about someone's work is not?

15
Suggestions And Feedback / Re: Moderator abuse of power
« on: August 25, 2015, 04:20:48 PM »
A comma would help.

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