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1

Develop Your Story / Re: Dark Sentinel [Working Title]

« on: August 31, 2014, 05:46:25 PM »

Chapter Two:

Spoiler

Chapter Two "Nobuko"

The scene opens up to Leo walking through Montegue Bay on a bright morning. The citizens are crowding around the marketplace as Leo makes his way up the street. In the background a large mansion can be seen with a tall gate surrounding it. To the side of Leo, there is a father and son watching him curiously.

Boy: Who is that father? Why is everyone avoiding him?

Father: He is the dark Sentinel, son. He is evil.

Boy: What is a Sentinel?

Father: Don't they teach you anything in your school? A 1000 Years ago, the great God of Light Derzo came to Aerogona. Before he left again, he endowed special powers to 12 individuals. These men and women became known as the Sentinels. Over the years, their powers have been passed down through the generations. They are tasked with aiding Aerogona's weak and defenseless people.

Boy: So what kind powers do they have?

Father: They have the power to control elements and environment. It depends on which of them you meet. I've only ever met two Sentinels, one of them could use fire, and the other could control metal.

Boy: So if he's a Sentinel, why do people hate him?

Father: Because he wasn't given his powers from Derzo. His powers come from The God of Darkness, Lufio. Those powers are evil and will only be used for evil. He is a dangerous man, boy. Do not go near him.

Leo continues on his way as the father grabs his son by the hand and walks the other way. He approaches the large mansion at the end of the city. A giant gate stands before him. In front of it are two guards, wearing the Mega Kingdom military uniforms, which are long blue robes with a gold belt strapped around their waist. They both have shaved heads and look tough. Leo puts his hands in his pockets and looks up at them.

Leo: I'm here to speak with General Beltime.

1st Guard: Are you kidding? You think you can just waltz up here and talk to the leader of The Silver Brigade? No way! Get out of my sight!

Leo: You're going to make his difficult, aren't you?

1st Guard: If you think for one sec-

The guard is cut short when they hear a commotion happening on the street behind them. Leo turns around to see a crowd circling around a Mega Army Soldier and a young man. The young man has long white hair and blue eyes. He is wearing a white robe with a blue belt. He has a large black sword slung on his back. The soldier has a short brown hair and an angry look on his face.

Soldier: What are you doing here, Nobuko?

Nobuko: I'm looking for somebody. I was wondering if anyone here has seen him.

Soldier: You realize you're a wanted man right? I'm going to take you in right now.

Nobuko: Then I won't hesitate to kill you.

Nobuko reaches up and pulls out his blade. He grabs it with two hands and gets in his fighting stance.

Leo (Thinking): Nobuko... I've heard of him. He's a powerful claimant. They say he searches the world for a certain man, killing anyone that gets in his way. I need to stop him..

Nobuko jumps forward extremely fast, coming at the soldier with a slash. But just as he is about to hit him Leo appears, blocking the blade with his arms crossed in an x. Blood can be seen dripping from his arms as he looks up.    

Leo: I thought you were supposed to be powerful.

Nobuko gives him a grimace. Leo then pushes him back with all his strength. Nobuko flys back a few paces away, and lands on his feet.

Nobuko: Who are you?

Leo: I'm the one they call the Dark Sentinel.

Nobuko: Hmm... I've heard many things about you. Tell me, do you support the Silver Brigade?

Leo: What do you mean, why would I support the Silver Brigade?

Nobuko suddenly stands up straight and sheaths his sword back onto his back.

Nobuko: Well, if you don't know, then I guess I ought to let you find out. I'm here to put a stop to the Silver Brigade. Once you figure things out, come and find me. Then, if you still feel the need to fight me, you can.

Nobuko turns around and walks away. Leo lets him go.

Leo (Thinking): What is with that guy?

The groups begins to disperse as they realize who Leo is. Leo heads back to the gate to the two guards, who now look terrified.

Leo: Now, where were we?

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Develop Your Story / Re: Dark Sentinel [Working Title]

« on: August 25, 2014, 10:52:11 PM »

Nice firts episode,I like the darkness you put into this character,and at the same time being a hero,not like what's his name from bleach,but better.

The way you seem to express you're characters so flawlessly is impressive,but I kind of want to see his backstory,too bad that's still in construction,but nevertheless,amazing work,better than what I've ever made 

Thank you. His backstory will be revealed slowly, theres actually a lot to it. But I don't like to reveal too much early on. That goes along with the setting and history of Aerogona as well. I find that if you sit there and hit the reader with tons of details at one time, it gets overwhelming.

Despite the copious amounts of background information the actual story premise is pretty straight forward and seems to work well.

I do think a little more could have gone on in the chapter, but just as an introductory piece this works fine. The only thing is that your main character has such little time in the limelight in comparison to some rather unimportant characters. Thematically this actually works, based on him being almost an antihero or a guy who cant do right for doing wrong, but it does leave me wanting more somewhat.

I also have no idea what Leo's power/manipulation actually is??? Darkness? Why does that make him super strong??

Otherwise a solid opening and something that has a lot of potential :)

Thanks, this is the first time I've shown any of my writing in a public setting, so it's comforting to see some positive feedback. Anyway, the first chapter was kind of meant to show the somewhat mysterious main character and build interest. As for his powers, that will be explained further, especially as he becomes more adept in his power. 

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Manga Talk / Re: what manga are u reading now?

« on: August 20, 2014, 07:02:57 PM »

Finally reading the Naruto Manga. I just got past the time skip.

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Develop Your Story / Re: Dark Sentinel [Working Title]

« on: August 19, 2014, 08:48:22 PM »

Here's the first chapter. Very short but this is the way I want to start it. Main Characters name has been changed to Leo.

Spoiler

Dark Sentinel - Chapter 1 "The Dark Sentinel"

The scene opens up to a bar. The patrons are having a fun time drinking the night away. The bar tender is wiping down the counter while one man sits alone in the back corner of the room, sitting in a chair leaned back against the wall. Suddenly the doors spring open and three men come bustling into the room. The mood of the bar immediately lowers as the three man all stand in the doorway, grinning ear to ear. The bartender puts the rag he was using away and greets the new patrons.

Bar Tender: Welcome gentleman, order anything you like. It's on the house.

They all chuckle a little bit as they move towards the counter. The first man, who has short red hair, sunglasses and large black oval earrings speaks first.

First man: Come on Mosley quit brown nosing us. You know why we're here.

Mosley: No, I can't say that I do, Mr. Reno.

Reno: It's been two weeks, its time for you to pay up.

Mosley: Now wait just a minute! We were told it would be monthly, not every two weeks!

The three men give each other looks and laugh.

Reno: Times change.

Mosley: I just can't afford this! You will run me out of business.

At this point, some patrons at the bar begin to make their way out. But one of the three men, a burly bald-headed man stands in front of the door, not allowing them to leave.

Reno: So, are you saying you are not going to pay the bill?

Mosley: No sir, I will-

???: No he won't!

The entire room looks towards the back of the room, where the man who had been leaning in his chair is standing up. The man has short, messy black hair and a short goatee. He looks to be around twenty years old. He's wearing a suit and tie with a red undershirt. He makes his way across the room and stands in front of Reno.

Reno: And who the hell are you?

???: You don't want me to answer that question.  Now, leave this man alone.

Reno: *Laughs obnoxiously* And what are you going to do?

A small black mist begins to form around the man's right hand. Mosley sees this and his eyes go wide.

Mosley [Thinking]: Could this be?

???: I'm only going to tell you one more time... Leave.

Reno clenches his fists and begins to get angry.

Reno: As a part of the Silver Brigade, I won't stand for- *Suddenly, he sees the black mist, and he stops. He is frozen with fear* You... Y-you're the D-dark Sentinel...

???: Don't say I didn't warn you.

And with that, the man swings a full fledged punch at Reno. The mist evaporates as Reno is sent flying. He goes through the doorway and doesn't stop until he crashes into the window of a store across the street. The other two men quickly go to his aid. The man turns to Mosley, who is terrified.

Mosley: Y-you... T-thank you...

Leo: My name is Leo. Who is this Silver Brigade anyway?

Mosley: They are the special operations group of Mega Army. They are commanded by General Beltime.

Leo: What are they doing here in Montegue Bay?

Mosley: They have set up their base of operations here. They put Montegue Bay to marshall law and have been charging all store owners to run their businesses.

Leo looks outside the window. The sun is begining to set on Montegue Bay. He grabs his overcoat from a hanger next to the door and begins to put it on.

Leo: General Beltime, eh? Well, I think I might pay him a visit.

Mosley: Leo, sir?

Leo: Yeah?

Mosley: May I ask... May I ask that you don't come around here again? Having the Dark Sentinel at your establishment is just asking for trouble. Thank you for everything, but I have a family to feed, you know?

Leo merely glances at Mosley with a sad smile before departing. As he walks down the road, which has buildings on either side, he looks up towards the north side of Montegue Bay, where a mountain range can be seen.

Narrator: A man, hated by the very people who tries to protect, continues his journey towards a better planet. His planet: Aerogona. What he doesn't know is the struggle that Aerogona is about to face.

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Music / Re: What are you listening to

« on: August 13, 2014, 09:17:39 PM »

Corridors of time - Chrono Trigger

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Develop Your Story / Dark Sentinel [Working Title]

« on: August 13, 2014, 08:13:49 PM »

This is an idea I've been throwing around for quite some time.

Setting: Dark Sentinel takes place on the planet Aerogona. Aerogona has three main continents where the main countries reside. The Kingdom of Mega, the largest and most powerful country, ruled by the evil tyrant King Mega. Zelfar, a quiet country with an unsteady 500 year treaty with Mega. And Segawa, the country where the Rianok's live. Aerogona has made only certain advances in technology. They have guns and have made some advances in biological technology. But they have not made in progress in things such as motorized vehicles and the like. 

Story: There are two god's for Aerogona: Derzo, the God of light, and Lufio, the God of darkness. A 1000 years before the events of the story, Derzo came to Aerogona and before he left he endowed some of his powers to twelve individuals. They all gained some kind of power to manipulate the world, including the elements and materials. They were all given their own separate power. These individuals became known as Sentinels, and they were tasked with protecting the innocent and defenseless humans of Aerogona. Over the course of 1000 years, if a Sentinel died or gave his/her powers up, they would be replaced by someone else chosen by Derzo. For some reason, once Derzo gives this power, it cannot be taken away. Most Sentinels use their power for the good of the people, while some Sentinel's used it for their own means.

This brings us to the current day. For years Lufio has remained quiet, occasionally whispering in the ear of some poor person, convincing them to commit atrocities in his name. But Lufio took it one step further, and gave some of his power, in the same way Derzo gives his, to a boy named Leo.

But Leo did not want this power. As a follower of Derzo, he was torn between his faith and the power he had been given. He questioned why he was given this power by Lufio, when he was obviously against the God of Darkness. Despite all this, once the world found out, he became one of the most wanted people in the world. He became known as "The Dark Sentinel" and is hunted down by many. 

Leodecided one day that even if they all hated him, he would act as a Sentinel. He would use his power to fight for Aerogona, not destroy it like Lufio wishes.

Entities:

Kingdom of Mega: The largest and most powerful country in Aerogona. King Mega's family has ruled for over a thousands years. Mega was plagued with political unrest at the calmest of times. After the war with the Rianoks and the rebellion, Mega had a multitude of damaged cities and starving families.

Zelfar: A quiet country, they won their independence from The Kingdom of Mega 500 years ago, and the countries still hold a treaty that was signed by an ancestor of King Mega and Vernas, a legendary warrior of Zelfar's history.

Segawa: Segawa is the continent that the Rianoks escaped to after they were ousted by Mega Kingdom. Rianoks are humans, who have abilities to transform into animals. Some have animal qualities that they cannot get rid of, such as tails or fur. The origins of Rianok's are a tightly guarded secret. But it is known that they came into existence approximately 100 years before the story begins.

The Seekers: The Seekers are the rebellion group in Mega Kingdom, led by the enigmatic Nightmare, who has not been seen personally by anybody but his top advisers.

Fighting styles:

Kitsu: Kitsu is a divine material that surrounds all of Aerogona. Kitsu users can manipulate the environment around them and themselves with it. With enough training, a powerful Kitsu user can challenge a Sentinel.

Claimants: Claimants are the swordsman of Aerogona.

Rianok Styles: Rianok's use different fighting styles based on the animals they can transform into.

Sentinels: Sentinels are the most powerful fighters in Aerogona. They bend the environment using whichever element or material they been given control over.

With enough training, these fighting styles make some weapons such as guns useless. That's why most high ranking fighters don't even use weapons, unless they are a Claimant.
 
Main Characters: [Still Working on it]

Leo:

Nobuko:

Ria:

Razor:

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General Manga writer discussions / Re: Things to include in a manga's first chapters...

« on: August 13, 2014, 06:13:05 PM »

*Setting
*Introduction of the main character.
*Something exciting should happen in the first chapter, to keep interest. It shouldn't just be an exposition.
*Establish some kind of goal/conflict for main character(s).

That's all I can think of at the moment.

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General Manga writer discussions / Re: Writer Discussion Table

« on: August 13, 2014, 06:05:57 PM »

It's been so long, I started writing at a pretty young age. The first one I can remember writing was a small little story about a super hero named stretchy man.  I think I even made the villain's name "Badman" lol

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Welcome Center / Re: Sup...

« on: August 13, 2014, 03:49:52 PM »

Thank you everyone.

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Welcome Center / Sup...

« on: August 12, 2014, 10:19:43 PM »

Hello there. I kind of stumbled on this site and wanted to see what its all about. I haven't been a fan of Manga and Anime for too long, maybe like two-three years, but I have become a huge fan. I've loved to write since I was very young and it has always been my dream to be a writer. Although I can't draw worth a damn, I love the idea of writing for a Manga.

Some of my favorite Manga/Animes are:

One Piece (Favorite)
Naruto
Ubel Blatt
Hellsing
Claymore