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Messages - Shisko

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 5
1
MR Writers Anthology / Re: Ask Questions here (MR Writers Anthology)
« on: December 21, 2014, 08:41:20 PM »
OK, so before I start rewriting things into transcript form, how should panel form be?

I have no idea the best way to make a panel, but I have a basic idea from reading, but the size or how many per page. Is it best to just write 1-3 chapters or pages and see where it goes?

2
OK I got through the chapter, I decided to use a flash back  to illuminate some of his history a bit and used it to 'pass the time of the walk' for him. But you guys helped a lot. Thank you.

3
I see, this all helps. What I have so far is the 4th chapter I am working on.

Chapter 1 was basically one of the main characters opening the novel by explaining what happened that changed the world to explain why they are in said place then goes to present tense before going black. You'd have to read the chapter to understand it more.

Chapter 2 was Character A and it opens up on him and goes through his eyes so the reader see's why he goes on this journey.

Chapter 3 does the same, but with the second main character. Also going deep into his past as to what drives him, mainly to give you an idea about him so end the end, you will see how much he has grown through this adventure.

Chapter 4 continues with Character A who ended up after leaving point A, his village, to a place when ti started getting dark, with an old couple. It begins by you going through his dream, which become relevant as you go on in the novel, and wakes up and details from chapter 2 (the first one about A) illuminate a little as the elder couples lives in a sense get in danger by a mob of a sense. It explains why and what they do.

After dealing with them, he leaves after thanking the elderly family and doing a few things to help protect them while he leaves. He then walks off but needs to continue to get to a city that has this giant tower in the distance, which shows he knows where he is going.


My thought was to end it there and go to Character B in chapter 5. Since I can deal with obstacles, but how to explain the time with out always writing "And five hours later" mid way through the chapter. I wasn't sure how sound that was and if it was boring.

I can make obstacles, I can use the next chapter on him to show he got to his destination, but a few things bugged me and I might just be over looking it.

  • Is how  I am doing it, wake up from experiencing a dream, find the people causing trouble outside the house, deal with them, scare the guy off, set up a small protection by sticking a *Cough* head on a stick of one of their men *Cough* (It's meant to be more like AoT or Game of Thrones in terms of violence) and thanks the family and leaves good enough, leaving at about 2.3K words, for a chapter? Especially in a realistic novel in fiction.
     2. Should I after dealing with these men, put words like "skipping on' in the sense of small time skips in a chapter? Likewise, would something as tiny as a good long description of him thinking, history, himself, and other things that enlighten the readers of the character good? Like memories? Something that might further explain the resolve?

I'd have posted it here, but it's for the NaNoWriMo and no idea where I'd put it.  ;D

4
Are you the artist or the writer? Because there is a place for you too post for looking for an artist, but this is the "Writer wanted" section for artist to seek us writers.

Go here.

5
So basically for my novel I need help on how to go about this. I do not want short chapters but I do not want to bore readers by simply saying he walked from here to there, which should take in the characters time about 12 or so hours. I go from Main Character A to Main Character B every chapter, but I want there to be a journey and not a "I wake up, beat these guys, thank the couple, leave." Because that seems short, even if the chapter is about 2.3k words.

Should things like this be ended and when the character later comes back in a later chapter and say he traveled the distance or how to do you think is a good way to write a long travel?

6
Manga Creations / Re: Mystic
« on: November 07, 2014, 08:08:58 PM »
Prologue

1. Question, in traditional greek mythology is Hades 'evil' or is it just that he's disliked for what he is.

Depends who you ask and where you look. He generally is depicted too be like Sasuke. He has hate for his brother because he basically cheated in a role for the land. their older brother got the ocean and Zeus got the sky leaving Hades in his own little world. He is depicted as sinister quite a bit but not generally as an evil being. Think Orochimaru and Sasuke in one minus being evil.

Spoiler
2. The language is much clearer than before, so that's good.

3. The Japanese Cosplay thing seemed out of place for the mysterious scene that was being described.


ch.1

1.   The voice then replayed
*replied

2.      "Yes, as soon as my powers awakened. I then was explained as to what a Keeper is, and said to be taken hostage by monsters and demons by my grandmother. My grandfather being the only sensible person. Since you are a Keeper, I'm gonna assume that you are using a power to talk to me without me being able to see you." Mako commented back to the female voice.
- It's hard to tell what he's trying to say in this sentence. 'Said to be taken hostage by monsters and demons'? Try fixing it, and I feel it could be said without so many words.

3.      The Girl then began to laugh at the man's comment.
- Try 'The Girl began laughing' or 'The Girl laughed' . It's more clear and straight to the point.

4.
If she got any closer, her overpowering, fragrant scent would capture their nose.
- Does Xian smell good? Or is it to those she's following?

5.      Laughing in his head, Ramsaur just said with laughter to his voice, he then opened his eyes. "Are you being serious? That is such a obvious trick!" He soon also gave chase towards her. He started to close the distance with her as he reached out. He grabbed hi and rose her up only to have an object smack his chest. A bolt of lightning hitting him and forcing him to let go as he fell back a few feet and onto his back.
- Needs a lot of work. E.g so,mething like ' "Are you being serious? That is such an obvious trick!" Ramsaur laughed. He quickly closed the distance between them and grabbed her, holding her up. Before he could do anything else a bolt of lightning struck him, forcing him to let her go as he fell back a few feet and onto his back.
-Lightning 'strikes' people usually. It was weird to call it an object at first. Totally thought something was just thrown at him.
*her instead of 'hi'. Be sure to spellcheck your work
- The very first part of the sentence is redundant in mentioning the laughter part.

6. The girls name was Chimera, her hand was open with the palm filled with lightning.
*girl's

7.
Chimera's blonde hair flowing in the wind as the object revealed to be a dragon.
- Referring to a dragon as an object is strange

8. He began to get up when another head appeared, they opened their moth as people began to run off screaming, their mouths filled with a yellow light.
-  (They opened their mouths)

9. Chimera, the girl on the roof, got onto the dragons back and the beast jumped and caught air, revealing to be a twine headed dragon.
* twin

10. "Die worm!" He yelled as his eyes had the red glimmer.
- (a red glimmer)
-Seems like an odd place to end the chapter really. Especially since it's the first chapter you may need to introduce more than that, or at least have some sort of cliffhanger. The first character who was lying on the rooftop seemed like the main character, so it's strange to have side characters be the lead.
- There are some interesting powers though



Chapter 2: The Ram and the Scales

1. The two girls looked down as the scene as they flew into the sky to get a eagle eye.
* an eagle eye's vie

2. With all the explosions and fighting, where are the civilians? What about the police?

3. This is quit odd, 4 Keepers and 2 Seekers.
*quite
- For smaller numbers always use words.

4. "Well, we will have to see if we meet him again, right now we need to leave. Those Keepers seem to have some hate for each other." With that, the girls flew and left Jellal.
- The chapter ended better off here, and the writing improved from chapter 1



Chapter 3: Meeting the Scales

1.
Ramsaur stood as he was surrounded. He knew he would not survive there and needed to get out. With that he ducked into the shadows and left.
- He can use a shadow ability he hid himself somehow/ ran away?

2. Alura was a keeper, but she was a Libra.
- It's up to you but try to keep consistent with the terms. 'Keeper' has always been capitalized so using it in small letters here seems careless.

3.
"No, you thought fast to help keep that crazed Keeper to stay and to fight the others why you went after the other seekers to make sure they were fine. (...)"
*while
4.That caught my attention. I have here a new spell I would like to give you. It is called 'Omega Kraft'. It is Greek for Great force. Use it well Jellal. I am always here to help when you need me."
- He was given an ability just like that? Seems convenient.

5.
Looking down at his stomach with an embarrassed look he spoke, "Calm down over their(...)"
* there

6. It was not too long till he had plates set in front of him and drool coming out of his mouth as his eyes stared at the food.
- He has quite the appetite huh.  What's the name of the city? Did he walk the entire way to find the food shop? What time of the day is it?




Chapter 4: Getting Started

1.  "How, by getting killed and surrounded? You have one possible ally and even then e is untrustworthy. I am no man, I am a God."
* (surrounded and killed)
* he

2. Jellal however, was having a good day. Having thirteen plates of used dishes on the table, he munched down on ever last bit of food he ordered. He had eaten so much, the workers were unsure were it went. "Sir, please you need to go."
- He's freeloading huh. Haha

3. He had left an estimate of half a million dollars. Their jaws dropped as they looked to him only to find him gone.
- Whoa, where did all that money come from

4. He saw a building proclaiming many weapons, from guns to swords. "Let us check this out shall we?" He said whistling to himself. It was clearly a type of surplus store.
 - Is this normal day Earth to have a weapon shop just like that?

5. Upon entering the door, as he pushed the door open, the smell of polished wood was strong.
* (He pushed the door open. The smell of polished wood was strong.)

6. "I see, welcome my boy. Can I help you with something? We have a few relics, but many weapons to take them from afar."
- What does he mean 'many weapons to take them from afar?'

7. He's super rich, but I wonder if it's wise for him to be dishing out money like that.





Chapter 5: Collaborations

1.
Chimera and Xian were in the air and the clouds flying by as they made their way towards New York City. Xian was sleeping on Chimera's back when then landed. "She is asleep." Chimera said softly as she smiled and got off Gemini's back slowly as to not wake up Xian. She walked to Gemini and to his head were he began to pet him. They were on a tall building in Manhattan as a dark cloud formed not far from them. "It looks like it will rain, just perfect for both of us huh Gemini?! Ha-ha." Chimera said to him as she laughed, playfully having a little fun with her summon. Chimera was a Seeker, using light as her source and her summon of many being Gemini, a two headed dragon that used lighting as well. But there was more to her arsenal, being a very strong Seeker that uses her summons well.
- Make new paragraphs for every lie of dialogue

2.
 Only experienced people can travel in and out with out walking and no shadows near by.
- That explains the shadow travelling ability.

3.
"I only have coins." He said to himself, but ti was still enough.
*it

4. Interesting chapter but I feel more should be happening other than just thoughts about fighting? Well the main character with his story about burning the school was funny, and the double Libra thing is a nice reveal. Anyways I expect some pretty amazing fights soon.



Chapter 6: Getting the Horns

1.
The sky grew dark grey, the clouds shifting into a funnel like form, cars stopping as some got out or looked through their window to the black hole in the center. "What is that"? "What's going?"
* (what's going on?)
- Try reading Demonata novels by Darren Shan. It's in present tense and it's a great book.

2. One lower then the other as they dropped like a ton of bricks, living a trail behind.
- You overuse the 'bricks' metaphor so be careful with that.

3.
The girl in white with the pink hair, sitting on the edge watched as the shadows fell. "Well, this looks like it will be fun. I wonder how this will turn out." She expressed as she begin to give a giggly laugh to herself. On the streets laid traffic as it began to stop, a taxi driver getting out, door open and laying one arm on it and the other on the roof of the cab. He looked up with his scruffy chin and glasses on his face. He was an Italian man, but that didn't matter as he saw the objects come towards his car. Swiftly he ran out from the area as one of the shadows landed by the car, sending a wave of air that moved the cars a bit like a heavy object fell on the ground. The shadow flowing off as it showed to be Jellal. He looked up and stood straight as he looked around. A few sirens could be heard heading this way.
- Paragraphs

4.
A sound of shifting and metallic movements buzzed through as Ramsaur jumped and flipped of. Turning in a spin to land behind the man who was now turning to Ramsaur . But with the jump he was gone. The man made a sound of surprise as Ramsaur pointed his hand to the man, in it was a strange gun. It began to spin as a blue light appeared and a three prong spike surrounded it for impaling. The man turned around to try turn, but Ramsaur spun in a 360 degree spin, sweeping his leg through the mans. This threw the man off balance. "Weakling humans..." But he then showed his strength as he continued the spin slightly more, grabbing the ankle of the leg mans leg and used the turning momentum and threw him onto the back of another car. The sound of the crash and glass falling as the man laid there hurt echoed.

- jumped and flipped of?
- Why is he using complicated martial arts for a simple human? Couldn't he break down walls easily? It seems like a waste.

5. Nice gravity powers from Jellal. Though I'm surprised he's working with

6.  (...) out in a ray like beam, connecting as it came to them. It blew up the ground in a furry of explosions as Jellal became aware and swiftly shot his hand out and across.
*fury
- out and across?

7. The formatting is an issue, as well as the long descriptions. Write direct sentences instead of using continous tense. 'He kicked the ball' instead of 'He began to kick the ball'





Chapter 7: Duel

1.Telling Mako her idea and thoughts on the works of her powers and how gravity works.
- This is redundant since you've already shown her explaining this.

2. "Eh! I need to there now!"
* (I need to get there now)

3. It felt like focus on Mako's training was unncescessary, it may have just been cooler to have him arrive at the scene of the battle after training. Though that's just my opinion




 Chapter 8: Colliding Stars 1
 
 1.
 "Mako... Fine. Mako this world is filled to the brim with injustice, intolerance, evil wicked people."
- Feels like he's preaching the same statement over and over.


Chapter 9: Colliding Stars 2
 
1.
 Ramsaur took in what the man told him, but he was not about to let that stop him. "Heh, god luck stopping me!"
* Good luck stopping me
- Remember to spellcheck your work. A mistake on the very first sentence of the chapter makes it seem like you didn't try to look over your work for mistakes.

2.
Ramsaur bellowed as he jumped off the roof, the gunmen focusing on Ramsaur, but his speed was no match as Ramsaur landed on the side, holding the side of the helicopter with one hand and the other on the gun to aim it to the air. "You will all learn who your true masters are!" He bellowed again as he pulled himself in and elbowed the soldiers face in, sending him on the ground of the helicopter with blood coming out of his nose.
- Not enough breaks for us to completely understand what's happening, and it's completely clear that Ramsaur can destroy anyone who doesn't have powers. Why is he bothering with dodging bullets when he can form shields from thin air? Why not just destroy whatever is attacking him?
- Also, how could the police and army keep on sending footmen to something that's clearly alien in some manner. Are there no snipers? No missiles?

3.  Ramsaur then noticed the pilots and rushed to pull himself in. The man pointed a gun to him and shot, but Ramsaur just barely dodged it, the bullet cutting his left cheek. He preceded to tilt his head and ram the man, sending the hard structure of his horns at the mans body, then lifting up and stabbing into the mans chest while punching the main pilot.
- I'm not clear who Ramsaur is attacking here.

4. The  helicopter was losing control as Mako stood up as the event took place.
* (The helicopter was losing control.)

5. His body black and eyes glowing a golden shine.
- With Mako and Ramsaur sometimes getting cuts and small superficial wounds while at the same time surviving heavy attacks, I don't know if they're super human or not.

6.
 Mako  shocked, not sure how the man got behind him without him knowing of it.  "H... how did you get there?!" He said turning around and getting in a  stance that had his left fist facing him in a flexed form while his  under forearm facing up. If this man was a threat, he needed to be on  his toes.
- Too much description that removes the thrill of someone who appeared behind him suddenly.

7.
 Meanwhile  Mako during all this had appeared out of that little shadow as if  walking through a door and landed on his butt by Xian. A silly reaction  of his rubbing his butt when a serious look came to him at the sight of  the dead girl and Chimera walking up behind him. A look of despair and  grief filled in her to the brim from what happened. She knelt down by  Xian, her arm still broke. "I thought... I wasn't expecting this." She  said with a stutter, a tear growing.
- There's a lot of paragraphs like this that are hard to understand, so try to work on them.
-Poor Xian




 
 1.  The sound of the water coming from the broken pipe in the ceiling and  from the rain as a storm cloud loomed over.
- That's a fragment not a sentence.

2.  Ramsaur was sitting with no  cloths on, his back facing the empty building, filled only with metal  and machines with a few boxes.
*clothes

3.
His body scarred and burn marks on him as  he rested his arms on his knees while hunched over.
 - Another sentence fragment instead of a complete sentence.

4. The angry flowed through his veins and a bit of sadness that  someone he thought he could get close to would be there yet another  person torn from him.
*(The anger)

5.  "I  am Ares, the God of War." The voice replied. "And I am partly inside of  you, some of my power, my energy, part of me is in you allowing me to  be one with you. You had a demon like spirit before I came in the  picture."
 - One of my favourite gods. Along with Mars god of war. Along with Marduk the Babylonian god of war. Basically any god of war is my friend.
- With the mention of things like scanning and things like greek gods in modern times, I suggest you watch K Project, and try out the Saint Seiyaa manga/anime if you have the time.

6.
 Two  down, one knocked out and the other on the ground with a body on him  with Ramsaur standing there in his suit, nunchaku in hand. A man with a  knife charged him from the side and the other one with his fist from the front. This followed with the other with knife also come at him with the man with the nightstick. As this all happened, Ramsaur scanned, his eyes moving rapidly from far left to far right and back. The man with the knife charging him pointing the blade forward to stab his foe as Ramsaur spun slightly, ducking at the blade and raising his hand and thrust his arm with the nunchaku to hit the mans head. Using this movement and continuing with it to and when he got in the position, side kicked after a with his leg, as if using a martial art skill. The force  caused him to go flying into the black sedan, denting the passenger  door and breaking the glass, setting the alarm off. The one using his  fist but Ramsaur got to him faster than he could think, using the  nunchaku to wrap around the back of his neck, both hands on their own  handle and pulling down to get the mans head to connect with his kneecap  as the other did, the turning around, holding the man in position and  forcing the chucks to spin to have the chain on the front of the mans  neck instead of the bad as he threw and pulled the man over his  shoulder, letting go and throwing the man with the nunchaku at the man  with the pistol who was watching for a shot. The man with the knife and  the one with the nightstick charged, knife going for Ramsaurs spine, the  nightstick rose as the man went to smack it to Ramsaurs neck. Both  equally coming at the same time as Ramsaur spun to his left, only  slightly as he used his right hand to push on the oncoming nightstick  and pushing up and away, his left hand backhanding the knife, the men  shocked at the movement.

- With the compact paragraph it's just too hard to focus and read everything. Even if you're the writer you'd have problems with reading through this. Use paragraphs and format it better.

7.
 “I  brought you because I know you are crazy enough to join me, even  through my so called ‘crazy’ method. I also need help killing off a few  people who are going to resist against me. Foes who you might have fun  killing.” Ramsaur stated. He hoped Ares was right about this man, and he  also noticed that Ares has been silent since before he approached  Denshi. “The only way to true peace is to make everyone know who I am  and those with me, force them into submission and to do as we say.” He  said.
 - This dialogue is interesting. Nicely written.



- I read through all of it, but to be honest it was a bit of a struggle. Mostly the issue seems to be that there are a lot of useless words. You should try rwiting more directly to the point and keep with revealing the action and dialogue. Paragraphs become huge blocks of text that are just too large to go through.
There's also a lot of spelling mmistakes that could be spotted by you if you went through the text to read them. It's nice that you're getting your rstory out, but there's a lot of revision that is needed to make it basically readeable, as it's very distracting to worry about spelling mistakes and format instead of focusing on the story.

It seems to be a battle story revolving around Greek Gods, and that's fun. I don't expect a deep story of any sort, but that doesn't mean that things shouldn't have some sort of sense to them. I got the sense from most of the earlier chapters that they aren't even on planet earth, but a different world altogether. The police and civilians only started reacting in the later chapters, and it seemed more like only the main characters exist .

Inconsistencies like people having the ability to destroy walls or bring down a helicopter and yet being damaged by simple things were bothering as well, so that needs some fixing.

- At this point I can only mostly say practice makes perfect, try to read over your work to fix it up before posting, and try to remove unnecessary words.

- There's an interesting concept and some of the abilities are pretty cool. There are some visuals here and there I'd like to see in an anime e.g the helicopter crashing so good work on that. The writing also got a bit better from the first chapter, so  I can only suggest you keep at it.
some of the sentences, like the fragments, happen too be me missing them when editing.  :D

As for unnecessary words, I would say it stems from trying too make it longer then it just being quotes if that makes sense. I mean, it's also because I put it into a novel form. I'll try too not do that as much, I guess I just do not notice it. Now I worry about my NaNoWriMo novel. lol

7
Manga Creations / Re: Mystic
« on: November 07, 2014, 08:08:16 PM »
Prologue

1. Question, in traditional greek mythology is Hades 'evil' or is it just that he's disliked for what he is.

Depends who you ask and where you look. He generally is depicted too be like Sasuke. He has hate for his brother because he basically cheated in a role for the land. their older brother got the ocean and Zeus got the sky leaving Hades in his own little world. He is depicted as sinister quite a bit but not generally as an evil being. Think Orochimaru and Sasuke in one minus being evil.

Spoiler
2. The language is much clearer than before, so that's good.

3. The Japanese Cosplay thing seemed out of place for the mysterious scene that was being described.


ch.1

1.   The voice then replayed
*replied

2.      "Yes, as soon as my powers awakened. I then was explained as to what a Keeper is, and said to be taken hostage by monsters and demons by my grandmother. My grandfather being the only sensible person. Since you are a Keeper, I'm gonna assume that you are using a power to talk to me without me being able to see you." Mako commented back to the female voice.
- It's hard to tell what he's trying to say in this sentence. 'Said to be taken hostage by monsters and demons'? Try fixing it, and I feel it could be said without so many words.

3.      The Girl then began to laugh at the man's comment.
- Try 'The Girl began laughing' or 'The Girl laughed' . It's more clear and straight to the point.

4.
If she got any closer, her overpowering, fragrant scent would capture their nose.
- Does Xian smell good? Or is it to those she's following?

5.      Laughing in his head, Ramsaur just said with laughter to his voice, he then opened his eyes. "Are you being serious? That is such a obvious trick!" He soon also gave chase towards her. He started to close the distance with her as he reached out. He grabbed hi and rose her up only to have an object smack his chest. A bolt of lightning hitting him and forcing him to let go as he fell back a few feet and onto his back.
- Needs a lot of work. E.g so,mething like ' "Are you being serious? That is such an obvious trick!" Ramsaur laughed. He quickly closed the distance between them and grabbed her, holding her up. Before he could do anything else a bolt of lightning struck him, forcing him to let her go as he fell back a few feet and onto his back.
-Lightning 'strikes' people usually. It was weird to call it an object at first. Totally thought something was just thrown at him.
*her instead of 'hi'. Be sure to spellcheck your work
- The very first part of the sentence is redundant in mentioning the laughter part.

6. The girls name was Chimera, her hand was open with the palm filled with lightning.
*girl's

7.
Chimera's blonde hair flowing in the wind as the object revealed to be a dragon.
- Referring to a dragon as an object is strange

8. He began to get up when another head appeared, they opened their moth as people began to run off screaming, their mouths filled with a yellow light.
-  (They opened their mouths)

9. Chimera, the girl on the roof, got onto the dragons back and the beast jumped and caught air, revealing to be a twine headed dragon.
* twin

10. "Die worm!" He yelled as his eyes had the red glimmer.
- (a red glimmer)
-Seems like an odd place to end the chapter really. Especially since it's the first chapter you may need to introduce more than that, or at least have some sort of cliffhanger. The first character who was lying on the rooftop seemed like the main character, so it's strange to have side characters be the lead.
- There are some interesting powers though



Chapter 2: The Ram and the Scales

1. The two girls looked down as the scene as they flew into the sky to get a eagle eye.
* an eagle eye's vie

2. With all the explosions and fighting, where are the civilians? What about the police?

3. This is quit odd, 4 Keepers and 2 Seekers.
*quite
- For smaller numbers always use words.

4. "Well, we will have to see if we meet him again, right now we need to leave. Those Keepers seem to have some hate for each other." With that, the girls flew and left Jellal.
- The chapter ended better off here, and the writing improved from chapter 1



Chapter 3: Meeting the Scales

1.
Ramsaur stood as he was surrounded. He knew he would not survive there and needed to get out. With that he ducked into the shadows and left.
- He can use a shadow ability he hid himself somehow/ ran away?

2. Alura was a keeper, but she was a Libra.
- It's up to you but try to keep consistent with the terms. 'Keeper' has always been capitalized so using it in small letters here seems careless.

3.
"No, you thought fast to help keep that crazed Keeper to stay and to fight the others why you went after the other seekers to make sure they were fine. (...)"
*while
4.That caught my attention. I have here a new spell I would like to give you. It is called 'Omega Kraft'. It is Greek for Great force. Use it well Jellal. I am always here to help when you need me."
- He was given an ability just like that? Seems convenient.

5.
Looking down at his stomach with an embarrassed look he spoke, "Calm down over their(...)"
* there

6. It was not too long till he had plates set in front of him and drool coming out of his mouth as his eyes stared at the food.
- He has quite the appetite huh.  What's the name of the city? Did he walk the entire way to find the food shop? What time of the day is it?




Chapter 4: Getting Started

1.  "How, by getting killed and surrounded? You have one possible ally and even then e is untrustworthy. I am no man, I am a God."
* (surrounded and killed)
* he

2. Jellal however, was having a good day. Having thirteen plates of used dishes on the table, he munched down on ever last bit of food he ordered. He had eaten so much, the workers were unsure were it went. "Sir, please you need to go."
- He's freeloading huh. Haha

3. He had left an estimate of half a million dollars. Their jaws dropped as they looked to him only to find him gone.
- Whoa, where did all that money come from

4. He saw a building proclaiming many weapons, from guns to swords. "Let us check this out shall we?" He said whistling to himself. It was clearly a type of surplus store.
 - Is this normal day Earth to have a weapon shop just like that?

5. Upon entering the door, as he pushed the door open, the smell of polished wood was strong.
* (He pushed the door open. The smell of polished wood was strong.)

6. "I see, welcome my boy. Can I help you with something? We have a few relics, but many weapons to take them from afar."
- What does he mean 'many weapons to take them from afar?'

7. He's super rich, but I wonder if it's wise for him to be dishing out money like that.





Chapter 5: Collaborations

1.
Chimera and Xian were in the air and the clouds flying by as they made their way towards New York City. Xian was sleeping on Chimera's back when then landed. "She is asleep." Chimera said softly as she smiled and got off Gemini's back slowly as to not wake up Xian. She walked to Gemini and to his head were he began to pet him. They were on a tall building in Manhattan as a dark cloud formed not far from them. "It looks like it will rain, just perfect for both of us huh Gemini?! Ha-ha." Chimera said to him as she laughed, playfully having a little fun with her summon. Chimera was a Seeker, using light as her source and her summon of many being Gemini, a two headed dragon that used lighting as well. But there was more to her arsenal, being a very strong Seeker that uses her summons well.
- Make new paragraphs for every lie of dialogue

2.
 Only experienced people can travel in and out with out walking and no shadows near by.
- That explains the shadow travelling ability.

3.
"I only have coins." He said to himself, but ti was still enough.
*it

4. Interesting chapter but I feel more should be happening other than just thoughts about fighting? Well the main character with his story about burning the school was funny, and the double Libra thing is a nice reveal. Anyways I expect some pretty amazing fights soon.



Chapter 6: Getting the Horns

1.
The sky grew dark grey, the clouds shifting into a funnel like form, cars stopping as some got out or looked through their window to the black hole in the center. "What is that"? "What's going?"
* (what's going on?)
- Try reading Demonata novels by Darren Shan. It's in present tense and it's a great book.

2. One lower then the other as they dropped like a ton of bricks, living a trail behind.
- You overuse the 'bricks' metaphor so be careful with that.

3.
The girl in white with the pink hair, sitting on the edge watched as the shadows fell. "Well, this looks like it will be fun. I wonder how this will turn out." She expressed as she begin to give a giggly laugh to herself. On the streets laid traffic as it began to stop, a taxi driver getting out, door open and laying one arm on it and the other on the roof of the cab. He looked up with his scruffy chin and glasses on his face. He was an Italian man, but that didn't matter as he saw the objects come towards his car. Swiftly he ran out from the area as one of the shadows landed by the car, sending a wave of air that moved the cars a bit like a heavy object fell on the ground. The shadow flowing off as it showed to be Jellal. He looked up and stood straight as he looked around. A few sirens could be heard heading this way.
- Paragraphs

4.
A sound of shifting and metallic movements buzzed through as Ramsaur jumped and flipped of. Turning in a spin to land behind the man who was now turning to Ramsaur . But with the jump he was gone. The man made a sound of surprise as Ramsaur pointed his hand to the man, in it was a strange gun. It began to spin as a blue light appeared and a three prong spike surrounded it for impaling. The man turned around to try turn, but Ramsaur spun in a 360 degree spin, sweeping his leg through the mans. This threw the man off balance. "Weakling humans..." But he then showed his strength as he continued the spin slightly more, grabbing the ankle of the leg mans leg and used the turning momentum and threw him onto the back of another car. The sound of the crash and glass falling as the man laid there hurt echoed.

- jumped and flipped of?
- Why is he using complicated martial arts for a simple human? Couldn't he break down walls easily? It seems like a waste.

5. Nice gravity powers from Jellal. Though I'm surprised he's working with

6.  (...) out in a ray like beam, connecting as it came to them. It blew up the ground in a furry of explosions as Jellal became aware and swiftly shot his hand out and across.
*fury
- out and across?

7. The formatting is an issue, as well as the long descriptions. Write direct sentences instead of using continous tense. 'He kicked the ball' instead of 'He began to kick the ball'





Chapter 7: Duel

1.Telling Mako her idea and thoughts on the works of her powers and how gravity works.
- This is redundant since you've already shown her explaining this.

2. "Eh! I need to there now!"
* (I need to get there now)

3. It felt like focus on Mako's training was unncescessary, it may have just been cooler to have him arrive at the scene of the battle after training. Though that's just my opinion




 Chapter 8: Colliding Stars 1
 
 1.
 "Mako... Fine. Mako this world is filled to the brim with injustice, intolerance, evil wicked people."
- Feels like he's preaching the same statement over and over.


Chapter 9: Colliding Stars 2
 
1.
 Ramsaur took in what the man told him, but he was not about to let that stop him. "Heh, god luck stopping me!"
* Good luck stopping me
- Remember to spellcheck your work. A mistake on the very first sentence of the chapter makes it seem like you didn't try to look over your work for mistakes.

2.
Ramsaur bellowed as he jumped off the roof, the gunmen focusing on Ramsaur, but his speed was no match as Ramsaur landed on the side, holding the side of the helicopter with one hand and the other on the gun to aim it to the air. "You will all learn who your true masters are!" He bellowed again as he pulled himself in and elbowed the soldiers face in, sending him on the ground of the helicopter with blood coming out of his nose.
- Not enough breaks for us to completely understand what's happening, and it's completely clear that Ramsaur can destroy anyone who doesn't have powers. Why is he bothering with dodging bullets when he can form shields from thin air? Why not just destroy whatever is attacking him?
- Also, how could the police and army keep on sending footmen to something that's clearly alien in some manner. Are there no snipers? No missiles?

3.  Ramsaur then noticed the pilots and rushed to pull himself in. The man pointed a gun to him and shot, but Ramsaur just barely dodged it, the bullet cutting his left cheek. He preceded to tilt his head and ram the man, sending the hard structure of his horns at the mans body, then lifting up and stabbing into the mans chest while punching the main pilot.
- I'm not clear who Ramsaur is attacking here.

4. The  helicopter was losing control as Mako stood up as the event took place.
* (The helicopter was losing control.)

5. His body black and eyes glowing a golden shine.
- With Mako and Ramsaur sometimes getting cuts and small superficial wounds while at the same time surviving heavy attacks, I don't know if they're super human or not.

6.
 Mako  shocked, not sure how the man got behind him without him knowing of it.  "H... how did you get there?!" He said turning around and getting in a  stance that had his left fist facing him in a flexed form while his  under forearm facing up. If this man was a threat, he needed to be on  his toes.
- Too much description that removes the thrill of someone who appeared behind him suddenly.

7.
 Meanwhile  Mako during all this had appeared out of that little shadow as if  walking through a door and landed on his butt by Xian. A silly reaction  of his rubbing his butt when a serious look came to him at the sight of  the dead girl and Chimera walking up behind him. A look of despair and  grief filled in her to the brim from what happened. She knelt down by  Xian, her arm still broke. "I thought... I wasn't expecting this." She  said with a stutter, a tear growing.
- There's a lot of paragraphs like this that are hard to understand, so try to work on them.
-Poor Xian




 
 1.  The sound of the water coming from the broken pipe in the ceiling and  from the rain as a storm cloud loomed over.
- That's a fragment not a sentence.

2.  Ramsaur was sitting with no  cloths on, his back facing the empty building, filled only with metal  and machines with a few boxes.
*clothes

3.
His body scarred and burn marks on him as  he rested his arms on his knees while hunched over.
 - Another sentence fragment instead of a complete sentence.

4. The angry flowed through his veins and a bit of sadness that  someone he thought he could get close to would be there yet another  person torn from him.
*(The anger)

5.  "I  am Ares, the God of War." The voice replied. "And I am partly inside of  you, some of my power, my energy, part of me is in you allowing me to  be one with you. You had a demon like spirit before I came in the  picture."
 - One of my favourite gods. Along with Mars god of war. Along with Marduk the Babylonian god of war. Basically any god of war is my friend.
- With the mention of things like scanning and things like greek gods in modern times, I suggest you watch K Project, and try out the Saint Seiyaa manga/anime if you have the time.

6.
 Two  down, one knocked out and the other on the ground with a body on him  with Ramsaur standing there in his suit, nunchaku in hand. A man with a  knife charged him from the side and the other one with his fist from the front. This followed with the other with knife also come at him with the man with the nightstick. As this all happened, Ramsaur scanned, his eyes moving rapidly from far left to far right and back. The man with the knife charging him pointing the blade forward to stab his foe as Ramsaur spun slightly, ducking at the blade and raising his hand and thrust his arm with the nunchaku to hit the mans head. Using this movement and continuing with it to and when he got in the position, side kicked after a with his leg, as if using a martial art skill. The force  caused him to go flying into the black sedan, denting the passenger  door and breaking the glass, setting the alarm off. The one using his  fist but Ramsaur got to him faster than he could think, using the  nunchaku to wrap around the back of his neck, both hands on their own  handle and pulling down to get the mans head to connect with his kneecap  as the other did, the turning around, holding the man in position and  forcing the chucks to spin to have the chain on the front of the mans  neck instead of the bad as he threw and pulled the man over his  shoulder, letting go and throwing the man with the nunchaku at the man  with the pistol who was watching for a shot. The man with the knife and  the one with the nightstick charged, knife going for Ramsaurs spine, the  nightstick rose as the man went to smack it to Ramsaurs neck. Both  equally coming at the same time as Ramsaur spun to his left, only  slightly as he used his right hand to push on the oncoming nightstick  and pushing up and away, his left hand backhanding the knife, the men  shocked at the movement.

- With the compact paragraph it's just too hard to focus and read everything. Even if you're the writer you'd have problems with reading through this. Use paragraphs and format it better.

7.
 “I  brought you because I know you are crazy enough to join me, even  through my so called ‘crazy’ method. I also need help killing off a few  people who are going to resist against me. Foes who you might have fun  killing.” Ramsaur stated. He hoped Ares was right about this man, and he  also noticed that Ares has been silent since before he approached  Denshi. “The only way to true peace is to make everyone know who I am  and those with me, force them into submission and to do as we say.” He  said.
 - This dialogue is interesting. Nicely written.



- I read through all of it, but to be honest it was a bit of a struggle. Mostly the issue seems to be that there are a lot of useless words. You should try rwiting more directly to the point and keep with revealing the action and dialogue. Paragraphs become huge blocks of text that are just too large to go through.
There's also a lot of spelling mmistakes that could be spotted by you if you went through the text to read them. It's nice that you're getting your rstory out, but there's a lot of revision that is needed to make it basically readeable, as it's very distracting to worry about spelling mistakes and format instead of focusing on the story.

It seems to be a battle story revolving around Greek Gods, and that's fun. I don't expect a deep story of any sort, but that doesn't mean that things shouldn't have some sort of sense to them. I got the sense from most of the earlier chapters that they aren't even on planet earth, but a different world altogether. The police and civilians only started reacting in the later chapters, and it seemed more like only the main characters exist .

Inconsistencies like people having the ability to destroy walls or bring down a helicopter and yet being damaged by simple things were bothering as well, so that needs some fixing.

- At this point I can only mostly say practice makes perfect, try to read over your work to fix it up before posting, and try to remove unnecessary words.

- There's an interesting concept and some of the abilities are pretty cool. There are some visuals here and there I'd like to see in an anime e.g the helicopter crashing so good work on that. The writing also got a bit better from the first chapter, so  I can only suggest you keep at it.

some of the sentences, like the fragments, happen too be me missing them when editing.  :D

As for unnecessary words, I would say it stems from trying too make it longer then it just being quotes if that makes sense. I mean, it's also because I put it into a novel form. I'll try too not do that as much, I guess I just do not notice it. Now I worry about my NaNoWriMo novel. lol

8
Naruto Manga / Re: Latest Naruto Manga chapter
« on: November 06, 2014, 11:53:44 PM »
Yeah, it makes me wish they did something with Karin in the last chapter. Seems she sorta just disappeared. And if she's the last, there goes that.

A lot of people did, including all of Taka. Suigetsu, Karin, Jugoo and Orochimaru. Last we saw of Orochimaru was coming out of the moon eye plan.

9
Naruto Manga / Re: Latest Naruto Manga chapter
« on: November 06, 2014, 11:52:39 PM »
Wow... I'm stuck working my ass off 10am to 11:30pm for a week and I log back in and feel like i've slept through the apocalypse!!!

That fan service ending was exactly what I imagined would happen (and the predicted ships sailed too... I know a lot of people that will be happy :P). Really appreciated the full colour chapter though and it's always nice to see all of the familiar faces all grown up :)

To me this all feels like a bigger version of Shaman king and Flowers. It's not bad, although I'm sure many people could think of loads of ways to end Naruto better.

Are we sure that the story will continue with the kids? What are people's opinions of a continuation story? There is a title of a new Kishi work at the end of the chapter, is that it or is that something different? Regardless it says "Spring time".

Yes a part 3 is confirmed, it just will not be by Kishimoto himself. It will be by possibly an assistant who knows his work and all. It will be a short for a few years or less, possibly putting the foot in the water too see where they can go with it first.

10
Naruto Manga / Re: Latest Naruto Manga chapter
« on: November 06, 2014, 03:51:32 PM »
The ending was not good, nothing but fan service in 700. 699 was fine, it should have been the ending, I still think Sasuke should not have had such a rapid change fro ma simple fight, but from learning himself over time. I can deal with it though, but I hate Naruto's kids, those fruit basket's and the rest are nothing but exact clones with little too no creativity.

Kishi too me ruined it with 700, yet at the same time bringing a good end too it. However the manga continues with the kids in another manga by some other guy. Sucks Neji is gone.

11
Naruto Manga / Re: Naruto Manga Ending On November 10th
« on: November 06, 2014, 12:20:52 AM »
From what I hear, it ends tonight with them coming out (699 and 700) in one.

12
General Manga writer discussions / Re: NaNoWriMo
« on: November 03, 2014, 07:49:07 PM »
I wrote a lot in high school. I'm trying to get back into it.


I filled seven notebooks. But they're all lost now...

Oh I know how you feel. -.-

@Lego

True, very true. I do have some involved, steam punk here, maybe a small hint of 'magic' there, guns and tech here for the mega rich. I even have it so no real government exist other then in the cities which are as popular in how many as the middle ages had places for people. Then you have a crime organization that acts like one, having a power of it's own. First chapter spoke 3rd person, explaining the history and up to the current point, then as it moves from that to a cliff hanger, chapter two begins in first person with one of the main characters, then the third would be a POV for Orsus. To give light on both characters.


13
General Manga writer discussions / Re: NaNoWriMo
« on: November 03, 2014, 05:55:22 PM »
Awesome. You're doing pretty well too.

Orsus is an aweseom name. What do you mean by technology 'completely regressed on many?'  Is this a dystopia/post-apocalyptic world? If so then tooooo awesome. Love dystopias

@ Austa really? When? Which story was this? Haha I would definitely like to look at those posts, but honestly my laziness could get the better of me. All in all though better a halfbaked project than one you've only kept in your head.

You know... I have always had issues explaining it well. For one, some form of technology having a communication device (not like cellphones though) no cars, guns if anything are a massive rarity, TC screens do exist for for certain things.

I guess if you know Bleach, or Naruto, that is one way to look at it were it is a mixed of timelines. I wanted to avoid things that make fights boring, like "Bam, I shot you" or making the adventure small because of the car.

14
General Manga writer discussions / Re: NaNoWriMo
« on: November 03, 2014, 05:23:00 PM »
No, never. First time too.

The story is about the world in the future after an event ( I hope it was explained in some logical way) that caused changes too happen. In a more vague style, it focuses on two men who end up taking a job, forced to work together to investigate and try to stop an event that is supposed to be on the level or more as it was 250 years ago, which had killed most of the population. The main characters are Umbra and Orsus. Each having their own special way of attacking, technology completely regressed on many but a few. Only real fast transportation being a train that connects between city too city.

It's called Heaven's Gate.

15
General Manga writer discussions / Re: NaNoWriMo
« on: November 03, 2014, 05:03:38 PM »
Only 3 days in, and got 2.5K words. Rather slow, but only finished one chapter thus far.

Should bust out about 6-12K today if all goes well. The beginning was a little tricky for me.

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