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Messages - shuuen

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 10
1
Develop Your Story / Re: Middle Ground
« on: December 16, 2012, 10:26:41 AM »
For the record, I've just read the story, and not actually this thread.

I will take the time to actually edit this if you want later (read it on read-only device; can annotate later).

My one comment I will make is that the Latin needs some tweaking, unless you structured it that was specifically so that people who don't know the conventions can look up words and string together meaning. Drop the pronouns, stick the objects in front of the verbs, and put the verbs at the end. If I recall correctly, there was one passage where you had the action using something-- I think you can just decline it in the ablative form and it can do the trick without all the prepositions. Then again, it's been something like two years since, so really, I wouldn't trust this P4.

If you haven't read it, read it now. /stern look

P4! Thanks for the... Latin critique! Well if you notice she's been speaking less lately... but if ever I decide to make her say a spell aloud again I will definitely go to you for help! Thanks XD

2
Members Manga / Re: 547 SERVICE
« on: December 13, 2012, 02:24:44 AM »
o_o I really need to read this. TELL YOUR ARTIST TO HURRY UP! I NEED TO READ THIS NOW!!!!

TT^TT

Thanks so much HB! I am dying to post it up myself TT^TT

3
Members Manga / Re: 547 SERVICE
« on: December 12, 2012, 05:00:54 PM »
This looks interesting, what is it about? The gamer in me reads the title as SAT service (using 1337 speak XD).

LOL Synegg XD
It's about a band trying to make it big in the visual rock scene :)

4
Members Manga / Re: 547 SERVICE
« on: December 12, 2012, 06:25:54 AM »
I just realized that I should've posted this on the Manga Art Gallery instead! Oops XD

5
Members Manga / 547 SERVICE
« on: December 11, 2012, 10:03:47 AM »
Feels weird being on this side of the forum o_o

So I've been collaborating with Han and my artist for a manga that I'm working on, and we've finally finished the cover for chapter 1! The title of my manga is called 547 SERVICE. Scans will take a little longer to post, but until then, this is a little teaser.



Character design by shuuen
Artwork by kidobedo
Coloring by han ki-tae -- can't thank you enough! T__T

A written version is available online at http://tommycanwrite.tumblr.com/post/37629198530

Let me know what you guys think! :)

6
Develop Your Story / Re: Middle Ground
« on: November 01, 2012, 05:36:11 PM »
I liked the ending - a lot!!!!

Like Coryn said, the main plot is starting to form. Can't wait for the next chapter!

Thanks as always for reading, Han! :D

7
Develop Your Story / Re: Middle Ground
« on: November 01, 2012, 09:20:01 AM »
Watching so many club scenes in movies, this chapter was very easy to visualize. I liked it, but Alexa really found herself in a fix. I sure hope this situation doesn't go too much south.

Thanks always for reviewing, lego! :)

8
Develop Your Story / Re: Middle Ground
« on: October 26, 2012, 03:58:18 PM »
creepy. feel like the main plot is really starting to kick in though. good job over all. Some things though.

When you have a single person's dialogue moving from one paragraph to the next, you don't end the paragraph with quotations, or start the next paragraph with them either. so like:

"Dialogue dialogue dialogue.
 
      Dialogue dialogue dialogue dialogue."


Secondly, the word usage for once they got into the VIP section seemed rather dry, and at times awkward. To describe someone on drugs, especially powerful ones such as this, you need to up the language. Describe not just the physical scene, but the emotion, and the passion at which it is performed. Skirt the line between good description and terrible fan fiction. Instead of making out go with: "Many were pressed tightly to each other, their mouths entangled to such an extent that it was sickening to watch." Not touching each other, but: "The two women were heavily 'engaged' with one another, moving quickly towards something that Alexa didn't want to have happening at here feet."

Wow, thanks for the excellent literary advice Coryn! Will definitely take note of that!

9
Develop Your Story / Re: Middle Ground
« on: October 26, 2012, 01:25:25 PM »
Middle Ground

Chapter Ten



The gymnasium was dark and eerily quiet on a Thursday evening. With the moonlight as her only illumination, Alexa gripped the dagger firmly in her hand, keeping her eyes and ears peeled for an attack.

Nicholas came from behind her, but she faced him just in time to kick him. He jumped back to avoid her foot and reached for her neck. She turned around, pushed herself against him, and used her free hand in an attempt to stab him from behind, but his other hand was quick on her wrist. She stepped on his foot and elbowed him in the stomach, finally breaking free as Nicholas stumbled back.

Alexa barely had a second to step away when he lunged forward again, swiping her arm away and twisting it. She dropped the dagger and groaned in pain.

“Game over,” he muttered, releasing her hand.

“Not fair,” she scowled as she massaged her wrist. “A normal person wouldn’t be that fast.”

“You rely too much on your weapon,” he said, turning his back on her. “I told you to focus on soft targets.”

“I would’ve, but you were too fast,” she snarled.

“You could’ve aimed for my eyes or nose instead of being so hell-bent on stabbing me,” he snorted, walking back to the bleachers. “If you haven’t forgotten, this is a self-defense class.”

Alexa picked up her dagger from the floor and watched him wear his jacket over his black tank top with a silent glower.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he laughed. “You’ve got a long way to go and you know it.”

“I want to know how to fight,” she said as he headed for the door. “Not just defend myself.”

Nicholas turned to face her again with a smirk. “That dagger of yours is giving you weird ideas. Let’s not use it starting next week.”

Alexa broke into a run, raised her arm, and tossed her dagger at him with all her strength. He stopped in his tracks when the dagger whizzed past his ear and lodged on to the door.

Nicholas pulled the weapon out and played with it. “This is exactly what I’m talking about.”

“Teach me,” She firmly stated behind him.

He returned the blade to her with a lazy grin. “Don’t be so impatient. Let’s get self-defense down first, then we’ll talk.”

Alexa impulsively raised the dagger in her hand again the moment he turned around, but she allowed him to leave unscathed as she watched his back with a scowl.

--

“Hey, what have you done this time? Our Sancti looks more pissed with you than usual.”

Nicholas leaned back to his seat and watched the screen lower behind Dr. Pearce. He glanced at Alexa, who was mutinously eyeing him from across the glass table back at headquarters.

“She’s still upset that I won’t teach her how to fight,” The blonde snorted to Seth. “When she can barely even defend herself during practice.”

“When bodies drop like flies before her, you can’t blame her for being impatient,” The boy shrugged.

“You try teaching her then,” Nicholas laughed.

“Alright, everyone,” The doctor began as the lights in the room dimmed. “Thank you for coming to tonight’s meeting. We have received new orders from London regarding next week’s mission.”

“I’m sure you all remember this man very well,” he said as the portrait of a light blonde haired man in his mid-thirties appeared on the screen. “His name is Christian Bell, owner of the chain of hospitals in Suffolk that we have been raiding these last few weeks.”

“Intelligence tells us that he has been producing a drug called RBC,” The picture changed to a red capsule. “More known by its street name Rubies, it’s become increasingly popular over the last few months, although we gather that it is being sold exclusively at a club called Wonderland in London.”

“RBC is a psychoactive drug that is said to induce euphoria and increase physical sensitivity,” he expounded. “It kicks in fast and can last for up to 16 hours.”

A picture of a girl with neon green hair appeared on the screen. She had several piercings all over her face.

“This girl’s name is Kayleigh Reed, a 16-year old student from Bristol,” The doctor continued. “She was reported missing by the authorities three weeks ago.”

“Kayleigh has been spotted in Club Wonderland every weekend for the past two months. Last month she was reported to have stopped coming to school. Last week, our team from London found her feeding on a five-year old boy’s corpse.”

Save for the green hair, there would have been no indication that it was the same girl. In the new picture, Kayleigh had the eerily familiar, glossy fish eyes, hollowed face, and bluish-grey skin.

“She’s become a Sanguinor?” Alexa asked in disbelief.

“Yes,” Dr. Pearce gravely frowned. “Our labs are yet to take hold of the drug for analysis. This is where we come in.”

“We need to infiltrate Club Wonderland and get samples of the RBC,” he said. “Despite its popularity, the drug is exclusively sold to club VIP. Rumor has it that Christian Bell frequents the club and sells it himself.”

“So instead of killing them first, he’s now turning them into zombies while they’re still alive?” Seth shook his head. “He really is one sick f*ck.”

“He’s getting creative,” Nicholas dryly remarked. “I’ll take my hat off to that.”

The doctor took out a sealed plastic and held it up in front of everyone. Up close Alexa saw that it was a dot-sized earring.

“This is a ruby earring,” he explained. “Kayleigh was wearing this when we found her. Apparently it’s a VIP accessory.”

“Hopefully with the help of this, we will be able to get our hands on the drug,” The doctor said. “Nicholas and Alexa, I’d like to assign this mission to the both of you.”

Alexa stiffened in her seat in surprise.

“I can see how she looks like Miss Teen Zombie from earlier, but isn’t sending just the two of us dangerous?” Nicholas straightened up in his chair. Alexa glared at him again but said nothing.

“I need as few people as possible on this mission,” Dr. Pearce said. “We have to fly under the radar here, as it’s too early on to carry out any hostile attacks.”

There was a brief silence in the room. Nicholas slumped back to his seat.

“Fine,” he said, regarding Alexa with an amused smile. “This is going to be fun.”

“We’ll have another briefing a day before the mission,” Dr. Pearce adjourned the meeting as the lights in the room returned. “If none of you have any questions, you are free to go.”

“20 quid says you have to dress up as a goth,” Seth grinned on their way out.

“F*ck,” Nicholas laughed. “I’m in.”

“Alexa?” Bea asked as they rose from their seats. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” Alexa pushed her chair away. “I’m fine.”

“Don’t worry,” The girl encouragingly smiled. “I’m sure you’ll do great.”

Alexa forced out a smile. She watched Nicholas and Seth on their way back to Knights Hall and said nothing more.

--

Seth laughed in satisfaction as he received a 20-pound note from a disgruntled Nicholas.

“These leather pants,” The blonde grunted as he shifted uneasily in his seat. “Are going to kill me.”

“You look fantastic, Nicky,” Seth laughed in the driver’s seat. “I must say, they look... tight on you.”

“One more word and these boots will be kissing your face.”

Alexa glanced out the window and observed the long line of people outside Club Wonderland the following Friday night. A good number of people seemed to be wearing black.

“I still think Raoul should enter the club with us,” she muttered while playing with her fishnet stockings.

“Are you out of your mind?” Nicholas shook his head, “Who knows how many Mortoviv are in there? He might as well wear a sign saying, ‘I’m a bloody vampire’.”

“But he already looks like a bloody vampire,” Seth’s grin immediately faded when Raoul stared at him from the passenger seat.

“But you’d be wearing your Fidem,” Alexa creased her forehead. “Nobody would know.”

“On the contrary, the Fidem would only aggravate it,” Raoul replied. “Which is why the both of you need to take off yours as well when you go in.”

“That’s practically going in there unarmed,” Nicholas frowned as he took off the ring on his left hand. “I don’t feel so good about this.”

“As long as you guys don’t get yourselves in a fight you won’t need it,” Seth reassuringly said as Alexa removed the pendant around her neck.

“Alright guys,” Seth glanced at his watch. “It’s show time.”

Nicholas adjusted the earpiece on his left ear as he and Alexa stepped out of the car. They crossed the street in an all-black leather ensemble: Nicholas wearing a leather jacket, jeans, and boots and Alexa in a corset top, short skirt, and fishnet stockings.

“Is this the kind of thing you wear on your days off?” he grinned. Alexa gave him a glare that wordlessly said, “F*ck off.”

They made their way to the very beginning of the line, causing several people up front to complain. Alexa tucked her hair back and flashed the bouncer the red earring on her right ear.

“He’s with me,” she said when the man tried to hold Nicholas back.

The music was loud and hard the moment they entered the club. Red lights flashed in the darkness as Alexa tried to scan the big, crowded room. She flinched when she felt a hand clasp hers, only to realize it was Nicholas’.

“Hold on to me or we’ll lose each other,” he said in her ear. She did not like the feel of his hand on hers, but she knew she had no choice.

They both made their way slowly through the moving crowd. It was Alexa’s first time inside a club, and she did not like it one bit. The music was too loud and it irked her every time someone brushed against her.

“Hey,” Nicholas shouted against the music. “I think I found the place.”

They made their way to the other end of the hall. When they finally extricated themselves from the crowd, they encountered another bouncer guarding a red door. Alexa flashed her earring again, and the man wordlessly let them pass.

The music instantly died out the moment the bouncer shut the door behind them. They stumbled upon a dark, narrow corridor where people were either disoriented on the floor or lip-locked against the wall.

“Looks like these guys are high,” Nicholas muttered.

At the end of the hallway they arrived at a lavish room with people sprawled out on red velvet sofas. Alexa was momentarily distracted at the ruby chandelier above them.

There were probably less than forty people in the room. They instantly attracted attention at their arrival, and Alexa fought to keep her expression straight despite her growing uneasiness. Some already had their clothes off and were doing all sorts of things normally done behind closed doors.

“I think we have to go through there,” Nicholas whispered in her ear, motioning to a smaller room separated by a beaded curtain at the far end.

Alexa found that the throbbing in her temples magnified with each step she took. By the time she was near the curtains, she could hardly stop herself from wincing in pain. A Mortoviv was beyond the entrance, and it was powerful. Without her Fidem it was agonizing, but now she felt grateful for practicing with Raoul—who was clearly older than whoever was inside the room.

“Hold it right there,” A heavy-looking man wearing a suit appeared before Alexa could part the curtains. “I don’t think I’ve seen either of you two here before.”

She tucked back her hair behind her ear again to show him the red earring.

“I’m a friend of Kayleigh’s,” she said as she glanced at Nicholas behind him. “He’s with me.”

The man scrutinized the both of them from head to toe, particularly Nicholas, whom he seemed to be sizing up as he approached him close.

“Edmund, it’s alright,” Said a clear voice from beyond the room. “Let the girl in.”

Alexa and Nicholas exchanged swift glances. He automatically took hold of her wrist.

“It’s okay,” she said when the man named Edmund seemed ready to drag Nicholas out. “I’ll be back soon. Just stay here.”

Nicholas intently eyed her, but he finally released her hand.

The beaded curtains rustled past Alexa as she entered the small chamber, where a man in a light grey suit was sitting cross-legged on a tall armchair. There were two barely clothed women at his feet fondling each other.

Alexa paused by the doorway as Christian Bell smiled at her.

“Hello my dear,” he greeted in a light voice. “You’re a friend of Kayleigh’s, you say?”

“Yes,” She swallowed as she fought to keep her voice steady.

“Well, come closer,” Christian Bell chuckled as he beckoned her with his hand. “What’s your name?”

“A-Alice,” she answered, standing before him. He dispersed the two women at his feet with a lazy wave of his hand.

He raised his eyebrows in amusement. “And what brings you down here to Wonderland, Alice?”

“Rubies,” she whispered. “I’d like some Rubies.”

“Ah,” Christian smiled, turning to a small ornate box on his side table. There was a small mound of red capsules inside as he picked out one and held in his hand. “You mean this one?”

“Yes,” she answered.

Christian smiled at her again. “Won’t you sit on my lap, Alice?”

Alexa began to feel him pushing into her mind, but she concentrated on keeping her inner thoughts locked from him. By now she had accomplished mind control even without a Fidem, although the aggravating pain in her temples wasn’t helping her keep her expression straight.

Alexa had no choice but to approach him. He parted his legs as she slowly, uneasily settled on his left lap. She could feel his age throbbing, pushing into her mind with him so close. He was no older than two hundred but clearly past the century mark.

“Can I ask you a question, Alice?” Christian gently asked. “Have you seen Kayleigh lately?”

Alexa uneasily dropped her gaze to her hands. “No, I haven’t.”

“That’s a pity,” he pouted. “Well if you happen to see her, tell her Christian Bell misses her, will you?”

“I will,” she answered.

“Now,” he smiled, holding the red capsule between his fingers. “Since you’re such a pretty girl, I’ll give you this one for free.”

Alexa intently looked at the drug before returning his ice-blue gaze. She raised her hand to receive it.

“Ah, no darling,” he murmured, shaking his head. “I want you to take it here.”

Alexa impulsively shifted on his lap until she felt his arm around her waist.

“Take it now, Alice,” Christian whispered in her ear. “Or should I call you... Alexa?”

to be continued

10
Cafe Nippon / Re: Serious about this! Learn Japanese with each other.
« on: September 30, 2012, 12:58:56 PM »
/wonders if there's ruby for the interwebs
Do you know, shuuen?

***board doesn't support kana what***


We can ask Matt or other moderators regarding the kana setup for the forums. Not sure it can be easily changed though.

11
Cafe Nippon / Re: Serious about this! Learn Japanese with each other.
« on: September 30, 2012, 11:27:03 AM »
^ Un, ganbarimashou!

12
Cafe Nippon / Re: Serious about this! Learn Japanese with each other.
« on: September 30, 2012, 09:42:15 AM »
I'll be more than happy to help :3
I thought I saw in another post that you live in Japan. Sorry if I'm mistaking you for someone else. You should totally teach us a thing or two. I'm having difficulties remembering the days of the week. x.x I think the next flashcard set I make will be of that.

Yes, it's me Thomas XD I'm half-Japanese and I lived in Japan for several years :)

It would be great to have little bits of Japanese spoken over Skype, at least learning just a few phrases to get the ball rolling. Vocabulary is key!

Anyway, I thought I might as well post the days of the week here for everyone:

Monday - Getsu-yobi
Tuesday - Ka-yobi
Wednesday - Sui-yobi
Thursday - Moku-yobi
Friday - Kin-yobi
Saturday - Do-yobi (doh-yobi)
Sunday - Nichi-yobi

Good luck! :3

13
Cafe Nippon / Re: Serious about this! Learn Japanese with each other.
« on: September 29, 2012, 07:20:52 PM »
*is actually quite surprised Shuuen showed up on his thread*
Weird
o                                    _                                                           O

Why? o.o

14
Cafe Nippon / Re: Serious about this! Learn Japanese with each other.
« on: September 29, 2012, 04:05:05 AM »
I'll be more than happy to help :3

15
Good to see a fellow writer here on MR! Looking forward to reading your works soon! :)

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