September 22, 2020, 05:55:33 AM

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Messages - Coryn

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 1753
1
Manga Art Gallery / Re: Notívago's Late Night Drawings
« on: September 21, 2020, 05:08:01 PM »
Spooky stuff! It's the kind of artwork you expect to see in a cryptid documentary on Halloween! Keep up the good work

2
Manga Creations / Re: Dragon Universe [Reworked]
« on: September 21, 2020, 05:05:05 PM »
Alright, pushing ahead, here's my critiquing of the next chapter


Chapter 2 Comments:


1. It's an awful quick turn around from fighting to serving food. There should also be some mention of the kind of food. If it's something Yuki had to prepare, did Hitachi and Bryan just sit in silence the whole time? If you want her to have cooked something, roll the scene back a bit, and have them talk while she cooks and they clean up. It gives the characters something more interesting to do than just sit at a table.

2. Hitachi really should explain himself before anyone thinks to suggest teaming up with him. If it's Bryan's job to hunt criminals, and Hitachi was a criminal 10 minutes earlier, they should suss out exactly what their relationship vis-a-vis criminal hunting before having anything resembling friendly relations.

3. So Bryan is already a rookie? But not part of a squad? It seems like his big dream deals with this university, even though he doesn't sound like he meets its prerequisites yet. Just seems audacious for him to just be wandering after random criminals if he isn't in the criminal catching school yet.

4. Great information about your home there Hitachi. The ice country is cold. Couldn't have guessed. Somebody get this kid an interesting fact.

5. "dropout rate is almost half as many kids that get into the school." You could end this sentence after "half". The rest is already implied.

6. This school sounds a lot less like a school and more like the jobs section on craigslist. The rookies sound like they're doing a bunch of work with no promise of actually getting anything in return. It doesn't logically follow very well. I would say it all seems backwards. Instead of doing jobs for the school in order to get into the school, I would suggest getting into the school first, and then the odd jobs become a way of earning your keep. After all, schools are supposed to teach things to people. Given that it accepts kids into its ranks, then one would expect they wouldn't require a resume prior to entrance. At the very least there should be some level of courses available without the need to prove your mettle.

7. And to keep on the line of logic, if Bryan isn't on a team with three members, and therefore not official, who is he getting orders from? Why would a school give orders to people who aren't official?

8. "Yuki: What? Wouldn’t that be kind of awkward…? Though", bitch, you got a mansion, what's awkward about it? You could go days without seeing one another and would have your own separate rooms and facilities. Not like Yuki isn't already used to being by herself. It's only as awkward as having a roommate.

9. It seems like a wasted opportunity to give away exactly what the magical sword is saying right at the get go. If you keep it one-sided for a while, you build the mystery of the clearly mysterious sword. Plus there's an interesting angle you can play of "has the girl whose been living alone in the woods for an undetermined period of time crazy or not?". Both should help keep the audience coming back to find out.



3
Develop Your Story / Re: The Raven of Rowe
« on: September 20, 2020, 07:32:01 PM »
I think it really is just the disparity between some names being obvious references and others not. It's the fine line between making a reference and out-right saying "this is what this is based on". While the others may be based on pieces of actual mythology, you would actually have to read the story to make the connection. When you name a character Morrigan though, I can immediately go, "Oh, this character is just The Morrigan", and there's no digging or thought left to the reader. You're just spelling it out without leaving the reader the accomplishment of figuring it out for themselves.

4
Develop Your Story / Re: The Raven of Rowe
« on: September 20, 2020, 04:08:58 PM »
Well it certainly seems like a sound basis of mythology to base a story on. I would like to dig into it for faults, but seeing how it doesn't look like it contradicts itself there's not too much to say. One gripe I will point out is that some of your naming is a nmbut on the nose, and clashes with real life mythology in an unpleasant way. Since most of your names are based in fantasy, it throws me for a loop when you drop in Morrigan as a she-witch type creature living out in the woods, or Sol as the leader of the group of heroes. You just seem to be creating inconsistencies with the naming conventions.

5
Manga Creations / Re: Dragon Universe [Reworked]
« on: September 18, 2020, 10:39:36 AM »
Haha, no worries Pichu! I have Dragon Universe as an open tab, so I plan to keep going. I'm glad I could provide a critical eye. Life is busy as always, but we all have to keep in touch with not only our own writing, but with the writing of others. MR isn't living up to its promise if we don't help each other out  ;)

6
Manga Creations / Re: Dragon Universe [Reworked]
« on: September 15, 2020, 11:41:53 PM »
Whelp! I've put off getting into reading this for too long and now it's going to be a task and a half! Good job me... Anywho, let's get rolling!


Chapter 1 Comments:

1. The crayon art style is a cool concept for the beginning flashback, but it sure seems like this mysterious figure is getting more details thrown at them than a child's crayon drawing could reasonably convey clearly. Even if a professional artist can show such details, you have to ask if a child could. Otherwise what's the point of doing it in crayon?

2. What's this mansion look like exactly? Give us architectural stylings, time period, etc. A mansion in the woods conveys different appearances to different people, I can tell you that from personal experience (long story short: college). Paint the picture!

3. Pretty ambitious sword training to go from splitting a log with a wooden sword from 5 to 4 strokes overnight (or at all, for that matter). If Yuki could do that, it seems like the note about her "uncharacteristically" fighting later on doesn't seem to gell with this earlier information.

4. Are cloaks the uniform for random bandits in this universe? Again, paint the setting. If it's at all "modern", cloaks seem like an odd choice.

5. That's a terrible joke Thug 2...

6. So did these yahoos have any idea they would find a mansion out in the woods, or are they for real just wandering aimlessly? If it's the latter, I am already questioning their validity as a threat.

7. If you're going to be an amoral thug, might as well go all the way and trap the girl from the start. It's a big mansion, she's clearly possessed of some importance. Even if it doesn't work out, you'd think your first thought as "thug" would be to take a hostage and see where that gets you. They seem like the type to do it since they have apparently no impulse control or patience. I mean they just walk right up through the front door. They don't even take the time to scope the place out.

8. This flashback with Bryan really doesn't serve a purpose as written. From the dialogue and context clues, we are already learning everything we see in the flashback without having to resort to a flashback. Save your artist and readers the trouble I say and just get on with it.

9. Hitachi sure betrays these dudes he's hanging out with immediately. I mean he was even coordinating his fashion with them, so you'd think they'd have a closer bond. You know how it's generally a bad idea to trust someone who already betrayed someone else right? Even if it was in favor to you, it sets a sketchy precedent.

10. Bryan is oblivious to the mood in the room. This is clearly no time to be declaring one's ambitions...

11. This goes back to my previous point, but Yuki and Bryan am sure are quick to trust a guy who only minutes earlier was their defacto enemy. What does this guy even want?

12. Finally, by the time we're at the end of chapter 1, I have no idea how old any of these characters are supposed to be. Bryan seems young if he's talking about getting in to a school, but the way he talks to Yuki makes him sound much older than her. You can't rely on art filling this void either, because as it is often remarked on with anime/manga, how old a character looks and how old they're supposed to be don't always line up (or even get in the same room in some cases).


Overall I thought it was a good start, and I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter! Keep writing!

7
Manga Art Gallery / Re: The Manimal's New Art Thread
« on: September 15, 2020, 10:30:00 PM »
Flying right ahead! I really dig the light blue for the one Gundam! And you may have just started with the painting, but I guarantee you could sell those bad boys!

8
Members Workshops / Re: SKETCH SURVIVAL!!!!!!!!
« on: September 15, 2020, 06:02:34 PM »
Hm. Three iterations of a certain drawing does have an appeal. Certainly different from the standard improvement slideshow

9
Manga Writer workshop / Re: WRITING SURVIVAL!!!
« on: September 15, 2020, 06:00:00 PM »
Honestly, if I knew it would all work out, getting my legs sawed off in exchange for the life of an eccentric scholar I've always craved doesn't sound too bad. Also a primo opportunity to turn myself into the cyborg of my dreams  :biggrin:

10
Manga Creations / Re: MR War Arc Shorts
« on: September 15, 2020, 11:39:33 AM »
Aha! So that's where the War Arc Shorts topic went! Sorry Lego, but I think I'm about to screw up your link in the War Arc complilation topic. Bear with me, I will fix it.

11
Manga Art Gallery / Re: BobbyJoex's Gallery(unorginized)
« on: September 15, 2020, 11:25:11 AM »
Cool looking stuff! The "toon" style really works! Best of luck with that 3D model  :ohmy:

12
Manga Art Gallery / Re: The Manimal's New Art Thread
« on: September 15, 2020, 11:22:57 AM »
Nice stuff Manimal! Cool to see you drawing again! My only critique is that those belt buckles are going to impale them the first time they sit down  :ohmy: Those things are rounded or flat in real life for a reason.

13
Manga Creations / Re: MR War Arc: NO1SY
« on: September 14, 2020, 08:17:55 PM »
True, lol.

All told though. Even though the project is behind schedule, it's been a really rewarding experience to collaborate on this side story of yours. If only all our collaboration projects over the years had gone as smooth.

14
Manga Writer workshop / Re: WRITING SURVIVAL!!!
« on: September 14, 2020, 06:03:30 PM »
Uplifting, then sad, then sorta uplifting again. Good job! It's the kind of ghost I inspire to be for my descendents.

15
Members Workshops / Re: SKETCH SURVIVAL!!!!!!!!
« on: September 14, 2020, 06:01:48 PM »
I do have to say, I would love to see you take another pass at this one, while also leaving the wizard's beard the exact same shape.

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