February 19, 2018, 07:04:00 PM

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Messages - PhoenixGC

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1
Welcome Center / Re: Heya~!!
« on: August 15, 2017, 06:13:51 PM »
Welcome to the forum! Feel free to post some of your creations here!

2
Develop Your Story / Re: Underworlders
« on: August 09, 2017, 09:57:55 AM »
I have backed out of the Manga Writers Workshop with this story, however, it is still being developed. You may now feel free to comment ideas, suggestions, questions, and reviews freely.

3
Should we open this vote up to the rest of the community? So we can get some unbias votes in there?


=EDIT= oh wait, it is.. sorry misunderstanding on my part

4
My portfolio has the stories listed what's ready for review

5
I can't believe I almost cried here...

Sincerily, My Dearest Phantom - OhGodHelpMe

Jesus, did you play with my emotions. I usually don't get emotional with books, but you definitely did well.

I enjoy how you're answering many of our questions as a reader and then giving us much more as the story progresses. I'm very excited to learn what exactly is happening. I have theories so far, but I'm not exactly sure on any of them.

That's it for today but as always... Keep up the writing! This story is amazing!

6
And as I promised, I'm ready for review!

7
Develop Your Story / Re: Underworlders [Writers Novel Marathon Workshop]
« on: August 05, 2017, 04:03:54 PM »
Current Word Count: 5556

Day5

Underworlders
   Ayumu looked to his right, looking at a figured in the shape of a human silhouetted into the background of his closet. A light amber glow shined near the mouth of the shadow.

   “Is that you?” he asked.

   “Do you believe me now?” he asked, moving forward to illuminated his face and then leaning onto the nightstand to the side of Ayumu’s bed.

   “Yeah…,” he replied with hesitation, “but I’m still not totally convinced that this isn’t just a dream.” Ayumu sat up in his bed, only his body stayed planted on the pillow.

   The man raised an eyebrow. “Well, you are in the dream world, my friend.”

   “So I am dreaming?” He leaned forward, energetically.

   “You said it, not me.” the man chuckled slightly, moving towards the door. “You up for some food?”

   Ayumu got out of his bed, walking slowly over to the man. “I mean, what’s there to harm. It’s just a dream…”

   The two moved through the door. The man looked to Ayumu. “You’re only partially right there.”

   “What do you mean by that?”

   “Yes, you’re in the dream world, but you’re not dreaming in the sense that you’re experiencing something you have no control over…” The two of them walk down the stairs with swiftness, not making a sound. “But rather in another, separate, world. One that your mind goes to for rest.”

   “I don’t think I understand…”

   “I’ll explain when we get to the cafe.”

   Ayumu and the man walked out of the house and into the night. A cool fall breeze fell moved through them, their hair waving in the wind. Ayumu looked to the man. “In my dreams, sometimes I can go from one place to another in an instant. Can we do that here too?”

   The man looked back to Ayumu, taking a long puff of air from the cigarette that lay in his mouth. “Well, of course, we can.” In almost an instant, the two were standing in front of a cafe, a light shining down on them from the street lamp.

   Ayumu almost felt like throwing up. It was almost surreal. He started to lean back and forth some before placing out his hand to lean on the stone wall in front of him. “I think I’m going to be sick,” he said.

   Quickly, the man moved in, placing his hand on Ayumu’s back. “You don’t want to do that. Trust me.”

   Ayumu tried to keep his guts from ejecting. He sat there for a few moments, crouching into a fetal position, his hand still resting on the textured surface. After a couple seconds, he looked up to the man, only one of his eyes open. “Why?” he asks, the words barely making it out of his mouth.

   “There’s a couple reasons. The only one that’s important to you right now is that you’ll wake up in a mess of whatever food you ate this evening.

   “You’re kidding,” Ayumu replied. He took in a breath and coughed a few times, now stepping up and using the wall beside him to guide him.

   “Let’s take our seats, shall we?” He helped Ayumu up and walked through the two glass doors at the entrance of the building.

   When the two of them took their seats, two glasses, filled to the brim with a clear liquid, appeared in front of them.

   “What’s this?” asked Ayumu.

   “That is a Lemon Lime soda,” said the man. “I figured the carbonation of the drink should help with your little episode there,” Ayumu looked at him for a few seconds. “... and plus, it tastes good.”

   Ayumu chuckled a bit, picking up the glass in front of him and taking a sip from the glass. The drink was actually pretty cold and fizzed in his mouth for a bit before he swallowed it down. He put the glass back down on the table.

   “That is very refreshing, as you stated.”

   “I know, right? I love this drink.” the man took the glass and brought it up to his mouth. He lifted the bottom of his glass up high, and the liquid was practically swallowed into his mouth as if funneling into a drain. “Ahhhh!” he slouched back in his chair.
   Ayumu got up from the table and bowed down to the man. “I’m sorry, by the way.”

   The man eyed up Ayumu, curiously. “Why?”

   “Last time we were here, I laughed at you and didn’t take this seriously. That’s why.”

   “Please,” he said, taking his hand and placing it on Ayumu’s forehead, pushing him back to his seat. “I did the same thing when I was told for the first time.”

   “Still, I feel bad.” he sat back into the cushion of the booth seat. “Well, I’m ready to listen this time.”

   The man nodded, leaning forward into the table. “Ok, so where did we leave off,” he asked to himself. It took him a few moments to remember. “Ah, that’s right. The creatures feast off of our dreams. It sounds weird, I know, but it all has to do with energy.” he looked at the table, trying to think of the best way to explain it to Ayumu. “When you dream, your mind is reacting off of the energy in your body. It’s because of this energy that you have dreams.”

   Ayumu picked up his glass of soda and took in a large gulp. “Mhmm..”

   “That energy radiates off of you, like waves in a pool. The creatures, or Underworlders, see these waves and follow it to its source. That’s when the feast begins. They suck your mind dry of the energy, but…” he paused for a moment. “It’s not as easy as you think. Your mind will fight back with its willpower. You actually get to experience this fight, like the experience you had just last night.”

   “So, a nightmare?”

   “Exactly. A nightmare is essentially the fight between your mind and the Underworlder. Of course, you don’t get nightmares every night. Underworders usually tend to go to the most radiant energy source. With most people, their energy radiates at variable rates, depending on many different factors.”

   “... And so my energy radiant was pretty high yesterday”

   “Very high, indeed.” the man placed his hand up and out to his side. Within an instant, a bag of chips appeared in his hand. “You increased it by eating junk food before you went to bed. Your body reacted on that and your mind used that energy.”

   Ayumu laid back in his chair some. “I think I understand.” he crossed his hands. “But there’s one thing I don’t understand.” he looked at the man in his eyes. “Why did you show up in my dream?”



8
Ok, I'll go ahead and do that! Still having trouble as far as deadlines. On the main post, can you put the upload deadlines there? Like "Sunday for Mondays review, Wed for Thurs, Etc."

9
Actually, quick question.

Do they have to review the story up to today's word count, or yesterday's? If it's yesterday, then I can upload it very shortly and they can review.

10
Ok, well everyone can hold up on my review for now then until I get my next couple chapters in. I skipped writing yesterday because I was busy with a lot of other things. I'm still writing it now though

11
So considering that the people who have missed reviews have gone over to the next review day, will they be required to do 2 reviews then, or are they dismissed from the previous?

12
Manga Writer workshop / Re: Writers Novel Marathon Workshop: Day 5
« on: August 04, 2017, 03:01:11 PM »
Forever in our dreams - Krurisuchristina

Ok! So now you've really caught my attention as a reader. With Addison now knowing the name of the person who committed suicide and pretending not to know them... It really gets you thinking, What does she know that the rest of us don't? So now I really want to know what's next.

I also how you describe the world still, as well!

There are a couple of spelling issues mixed throughout the story that I would look into.

That's really all I have for this so far. Sorry for the short review, but I am still very much looking forward to the rest of the story!


Sincerely, Your Dearest Phantom - OhGodHelpMe

Wow, very nice transition there. I'm starting to come up with ideas about what's actually going on now. It definitely got VERY interesting very quickly.

Your dialog is also done very well. I especially love the dialog with the family. It really shows that there's a good family bond with all the characters!

Nothing negative from me so far.


13
Develop Your Story / Re: Underworlders [Writers Novel Marathon Workshop]
« on: August 03, 2017, 07:15:59 PM »
Ready for Review of Day 4

Current Word count: 4436

Spoiler

Reality (Cont.)

Ayumu watched as he ran out the door. What if…? he thought to himself. Ayumu looked out the window, watching everyone leaving the school. Ayumu thought back on the last night's dream. What haunted him was what the man said before he woke up. I’ll see you tomorrow night. Ayumu grabbed his books and made his way over to his locker. I guess I’ll just wait until tonight to find out.

As Ayumu opened his locker, he felt a faint tug on the edge of his uniform. When he turned around, he was frozen. It was Izumi. Wha- Why are you trying to talk to me! he thought, frantically trying to find a reason she would notice him in any way.

“I heard you knew a lot about Japanese history,” she said to him, her hands behind her back, smiling. “I was wondering if you’d be able to help me with some of my studies on the subject later?”

Ayumu stood there, speechless. All he could do is look at Izumi in awe. The smell of her perfume was like laying in a meadow full of flowers. It almost smelt like a China Rose. She moved her hand through her bright red hair, laying it over her shoulder, running her hands through it as she awaited a reply.

“Hey, anybody in there?” she said, waving her hand in front of his face.

“O-oh, uh-Yea, of course!” he said, stuttering to get the words out. “When did you want to study?”

“Well, I have some things I have to do today. How about tomorrow after school?

Well, that’s no good, he thought. I am studying with Motoki tomorrow after school. “Ok!” Did I just say that out loud? Ayumu’s eyes widened.

“Ok, see you then” she replied and then walked off with her friends.

Ayumu stood there, still speechless. The air following Izumi rushed past him, and he took in a huge breath through his nose, getting the last smell at her perfume. What did I just do? He took his books and placed them in his backpack, and then walked out towards the exit of the school, closing his locker behind him.

During the walk home, Ayumu couldn’t stop thinking about Izumi. What was he going to tell Motoki, or better yet, what should he tell Izumi? He made plans long before with Motoki. It would be wrong for him to cancel those plans just so he could study with the person he’s had a crush on for the longest time. Then again, this could be the only time that Ayumu could spend any time with Izumi. What am I going to do? he thought.

In almost no time, Ayumu was walking up to the door of his house. When he opened the door, his family was gathered in a circle in the living room.

“Oh hey, Ayumu.” Said his older brother. “We’re ordering pizza. Any thoughts on what you would like?”

Ayumu placed his bag next to the stairs, walking over to the family who was all circled around a pizza menu. “Sure thing, Jun” he replied back.

Jun was like Ayumu’s best friend, besides Motoki. The two had gone through a lot together, including nearly 5 moves from different places in Tokyo due to their mother’s job.

“I’m kind of in the mood for some wings if you ask me,” said Ayumu.

“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing!” replied Jun, “but Mom said it’s too messy and too expensive”

“Well if you both want it that badly, I’ll get it, ” their mother said.

The two high fived each other with joy.

Almost half an hour later, the delivery man had arrived and the family had all gathered around the table, feasting on the pizza and wings.

When the family had finished, Ayumu placed his hands together. “This food was great! Thanks to the cook!”

The rest of the family did the same. “Thanks to the cook!”

Ayumu washed his hands and headed over to the stairs, grabbing his bag. “Wel, I better go study!”

His mother smiled, “Ok, dear!”

The sound of thuds rumbled through the house as Ayumu raced up the stairs and ran into his room, closing the door behind him. He looked at the time. He had about an hour left before he had to get ready for bed. He pulled out his books and placed them on his table.

“I guess I’ll try and study myself for now.” He looked at his bed, “or should I try and go to sleep…” he sat there, pondering for a moment. He looked back to his books. The book in front of him labeled History of Japan. “Well, I guess I’ll be studying this tomorrow anyway with Izumi.” He got up and walked over to his bed which had his pajamas folded up from earlier in the morning.


Quickly, he changed into them, throwing his clothes into the hamper. He then moved into the sheets of the bed and laid flat like a plank. It was if he was learning to sleep. He stared at the ceiling, wondering how long it would take until he fell asleep. He grabbed his phone out from his pockets and connected it to the charger, putting on some music. He laid there for what seemed like forever, tossing and turning, trying to keep his eyes closed. However, every now and again he’d pop open his eyes to see if he had made it into the dream world. He then laid flat on his back again, letting out a long sigh.

“What am I thinking. It was just a dream…” he said to himself, again staring at the ceiling.

“Having a hard time sleeping?” said a very familiar voice.



14
Hey! So this character is actually for a DND game that I'm soon to start playing, but no rush. The Dnd will most likely be podcasted as well, but I may add visuals too and make it a youtube vid. If I do, I want give credit to you. If there was a place you would want people to look at (I.E. A collection of your art), let me know

The genre of your story: Fantasy
Name: Thorin Ungart
Gender: Male
Age: 150
Personality:
           Traits- I watch over my friends as if they were a litter of new born pups
          Ideals- The strongest are meant to rule
          Bonds-I suffer awful visions of a coming disaster and will do anything to prevent it
           Flaws-Dont expect me to save those who can't save themselves. It's natures way the strong thrive and the weak perish
Looks:
- Body type: Muscular but not broad
- Skin color: Tan
- Eye type + color: Color: Choose what looks best :), Type: Again, your call
- Hair color + style: Dark brown, long and wavey
- Clothing (I will mostly draw from the waist up but feel free to write everything under :)): Wears a green cloak on top of leather armor
- Accessories + props: Longbow, 2 hand axes, backpack(Bedroll on top, hempen rope on side)
(Environment) (putting it in parenthesis, since my background skills are almost non-existent -_-):Forested or in caves

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Manga Writer workshop / Re: Writers Novel Marathon Workshop: Day 3
« on: August 03, 2017, 11:19:48 AM »
So this next review is for Krurisuchristina's Forever in Our Dreams.

So this story is quite interesting. To me, there isn't quite enough of a story going to do a review of the plot, but I am quite interested.

As far as development, I like how well you paint a picture in our minds. You do quite well with that! I honestly can't wait to see what else you come up with!

I'm going to hold off until tomorrow, however, to give you a more detailed review of your story if you don't mind :)

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