June 24, 2018, 05:17:52 AM

Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.



------------------------------------------

If you have Login Problems Use the Login in Top Menu Bar


------------------------------------------
If you have a problem registering here, Leave a msg at our FB Page >> Here.

Plz Don't use Hotmail to Register. You might not receive Activation mail. Use Other free mail provider like Gmail or Yahoo.






Messages - YoUr EyEs

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 21
1
Develop Your Story / Re: The Dome
« on: May 31, 2018, 01:50:38 PM »
I Added chapter 3 to the op!

2
Develop Your Story / Re: The Dome
« on: May 31, 2018, 01:50:03 PM »
For the most part the story is okay. My only problem is with the characters and how random they kinda feel at times. Hara especially. One minute she's seems somewhat caring, next minute she's cold and heartless. Also her dialogue feels kinda weird and confusing. Like this one:
Quote
"- As of tonight, your life is mine. You will die when I decide for you to die." The woman's eyes closed and she seemed to have fallen asleep.

That felt really random to say. It makes feel as though she's some maniacal puppeteer or something like that. Hopefully, more light will be shed on her character and why she acts the way she does in later chapters.

Also, it would be nice if you tossed in some explanation on how exactly the world in your story came to be the way it is. You don't have to spoon-feed us with paragraphs of info dumps, either. You can weave it into dialogue exchanges between characters, if you like. That's one way I like to reveal information, personally.

Overall, not a bad start. Keep writing! I'll be looking forward to future installments! 

I will try to fix the confusing part regarding Hara. I wanted to make her mysterious.

I will add further description to the word as well!

Thanks for reading and commenting on it, I appreciate it!

Damn that woman's help comes at quite the price. Reminds me of Master from Kino no Tabi, although to be fair the both of them are nihlistic and apathetic in so many ways it's almost hilarious. It's a good light novel series if you ever get around to it, I'd recommend reading them.

Yesssss Dystopia. And ah, how does the woman know the time? Does she have a working watch? I'm always interested in knowing little stuff like that in Dystopia: How do you tell the time? How do you find your way? How do you even find water that isn't horribly polluted in some way?

Keep writing

I started Kino no Tabi, I think 3 chapters but, for some reasons, I never continued reading it... I will try it out!

I didn't thought about that. I am not good at detailing stuffs but, I will try my best lol

Thank you for reading and helping me out!

3
Develop Your Story / Re: The Dome
« on: May 10, 2018, 12:04:34 PM »
I added chapter 2 to the op

4
Develop Your Story / Re: The Dome
« on: May 02, 2018, 03:04:02 PM »
Sound nice, easy for me to read and follow what's going on. I might keep reading to see whats up with Hara's tonal shift at and.
You have a tiny typo at the end. (from city to city "ony" to find)

Thanks, I really appreciate it! I also corrected that mistake lol

5
Develop Your Story / The Dome
« on: May 02, 2018, 01:05:49 PM »
Synopsis: The known world to Mankind has fallen, continents turns into a single world engulfed by hunger, crime rates increases and lifespans reduced. This is the story of Phelia, a 12 years old child that lost her family, murdered by a man that soon after took his own life and the hope sleeping deep within the young girl of vengence.
As she walk through a endless desert, she crosses road with an adventurer named Hara, having her life saved by this strange woman, Phelia give her life to Hara.


Genre: Adventure, Action, Psychological, Sci-Fi

Chapter 1:
Spoiler
Chapter 1: Desert of Life

In the midst of one of the various desert around the world, a young girl barely walking with the weight of the sun on her back, her face was drenched with sweat and her brown eyes partly closed, she could only see the endless sand scenery up ahead.
The year was 2102, this desert was previously known as New York, this name was long forgotten and this was a place that anyone would want to avoid.
The girl had the chance to get access to an education of the previous civilisation and she could hardly believed that, this "hellish" place, once attracted thousands of people. The young girl, Phelia was her name, gazed at the sky, she couldn't help but wondered, "how does rain looked like?"
The girl finally stumbled and fell unconscious on the sand, her final thoughts went to her late family.

{…}
Cold...
Phelia woke up to the cold night the desert. Suprised to be still alive, the young woman sat down and was face to face with a horse.

"-Woah! W-What is this?!"

The light brown animal seemed amused by this reaction but, with the sound of a whistling, the horse went a little bit away from the girl.
Phelia looked around, she was unable to find the owner of the animal, her eyes weren't perfectly  accustomed to the night, without any warning, she felt an hand touching her blonde long hair and she quickly turned around, noticing that the owner was probably behind her.

"- Who are you?" Asked Phelia, still unable to see clearly, she pushed the hand away.

"- You should sleep, tomorrow will be worst than today in terms of temperature." The responding voice sounded like it belong to a woman, it felt kind too.

Phelia was slowly starting to see clearly - A woman, probably in her 30s, her piercing blue eyes were underlined by a black heavy make-up.

"- My name is Hara. I am just an adventurer that happened to be passing by. Anyway, how old are you to be travelling alone in the desert, kid?"

"- Twelve. Why I travel is none of your buisness."

"..."

"- I suppose that you are right."

Phelia felt the blue eyes of Hara piercing through her soul, like an eagle seeking it's prey. The girl felt uncomfortable, unable to keep her attention of her savior, she looked at the horse that went to sleep a moment ago.

"- Starting tomorrow, you will be by yourself again, what happens to you after tonight won't have anything to do with me. How do you plan on getting to the nearest city, I could care less..."

Phelia's eyes were once again drown into Hara's eyes. At these words, the girl couldn't help but reach for the woman's hand.

"- I have nowhere to go. My family was murdered so, would you take me with you?"

Hara smiled. It wasn't a warm smile or a kind smile but, one that made her resembled a demon.

"- As of tonight, your life is mine. You will die when I decide for you to die." The woman's eyes closed and she seemed to have fallen asleep.

Phelia was unable to comprehend the reason she suddenly told Hara all that but, she was certain that it was her own wish.
The girl had been wandering from city to city only to find the murder of her family but, she learned that the one responsible for her unhappiness had taken his own life. Leaving Phelia with no more reason to keep on living but, in this desert, where she was prepared to die, she had given her life to someone else.

-Chapter 1: END-


Chapter 2:
Spoiler
Chapter 2: Road to one's resolve

The stumbling of a carriage attached to the running horses had woken up Phelia, at first, she wondered about the reason that she was being transported but, before long she was able to remember about her talk with the person sitting next to her.

"- Where are we heading to, Hara?" Phelia asked to the woman that was focusing on steering the horse transporting their carriage.

"- Finally awake? I was wondering if you planned on sleeping all day long. It's already Four-in-the-afternoon." Hara replied without turning her attention away from her task.

"- Did I sleep that long? I guess that I might have been tired. Where are we going?" The young girl looked around her and she was able to discern that they were still in the desert.

"- We are heading to Naïa, I have refill on food supplies, water and weapon." Hara took out a cigarette from her coat and adjusted her cowboy hat.

Phelia felt uncomfortable in the mention of "weapon", it clearly meant that the woman that saved her life was, clearly used to killing people but, to what extent, the girl couldn't know.

"- Naïa used to be Montreal."

"- Indeed but, it's not anymore." Hara's eyes were closed, she seemed to be sadened or at least, Phelia thought she was.

The girl decided that it would be better to not say anything more about the Ancient Civilisations, to her late mother's wish, Phelia should restrain herself from revealing details about that Era that only her family knew of.
It's true that it was possible to learn about those civilisations through education but, things about their downfall wasn't known in the modern days. "The Human-kind era wasn't wiped out by Humans", Phelia's mother kept repeating to her childs.

"- We will have a little fray before we head to Naïa. I will need you to take this, kid." The voice of Hara made Phelia blench, she was lost in her thoughts but, she was sure that she heard it clearly, they were going to fight.

Hara was handing a short sword to the young girl, with a smile, the woman started humming. Phelia took the weapon, although she never had used such a thing, she felt possessed by the piercing glare of the woman next to her.

"- Are we going to kill people?" The girl couldn't help but ask a question that she already knew the answer of.

"- We are."

"- Why are we killing other people? I don't want to kill at random, I am not an animal!" Phelia was against it, her family was murdered and she didn't want to do the same thing that she had to endured to someone else.

A small town could be seen, noises could be heard coming from it and the two adventurers were about to reach it in an hour or so. Phelia started to wondered if it was a good choice to follow a woman she didn't even know. The girl realized that she could probably run away and live in this town.

"- I could always feed you to Wesley, my horse. You gave me your life to me and it appears that I always try to keep what is mine, even if it get taken away, I will take it back." Hara said with an emotionless tone, her pale blonde hair flying through the wind, rain was approaching.

Phelia felt terrified at the Hara's word but, she suddently felt that she needed to run away from that person.

The girl had her mind set.

~Chapter 2: END~



Chapter 3:
Spoiler

Chapter 3: Broken

The sun had been covered, partially by the dark clouds. The carriage transporting Phelia and Hara was at the gate of Naïa, a city that was renowned for it's merchant-friendly label, the roads were filled with carriages from different regions but, what took tge girl's attention was, a gathering near a shop, smiles and voices melting into each other. Phelia wanted to know the cause of this crowd but, Hara's hand grabbed her shoulder and kept her from going any further.

"- Unless you really want to figure out this town's true colors, I suggest that you stay right here." The cowboy hat wearing woman seemed to be familiar with whatever was going on, her hand that held the child in position was quickly slapped away and her cold eyes quickly looked detached of emotions as she gazed at Phelia.

The twelve years old girl looked around, occupying the sands of the desert was a beautiful city, small buildings were encircling a taller one in the middle. An impressive fountain with the presence of a siren painted on it was kept in front of the city gates. Phelia was stupefied by the way water didn't seem as absent as other places. Naïa was a city that had several festivities during a year and that caused different merchants of various places come sell their merchandises to the diversified crowds of people.

"- Hey! You over there! I will need to get an identification first before letting you proceed any further." An armor wearing man said while approaching both Hara and Phelia. He beared an imposing moustache that was twisted in a manner that made him look like an hunting dog.

"- Are you now? We are simple travellers, me and my slave." Hara didn't seem intimidated by the city guard that had come to identify them. Instead, the woman simply walked past him after she had tell him who they were but, the guard's hand firmly caught her shoulder, stopping her from going foward.

"- Are you here to participate in the Traders Raid? Are you planning on buying anything? Are you carrying any weapons on either you or your carriage."

Phelia's eyes immediately looked at the sword that was given to her, she realized that she never really asked about where did it came from, actually, she never asked about the woman that rescued her, which she started to get intrigued of.

"- I am indeed carrying weapons. I am carrying quite a lot of things that you may have never heard of or see and by that, I am talking about what you are holding. I ask you to unhand me."

Phelia was confused by Hara's words, there were nothing that seemed like a weapon on her right shoulder, the one the guard was holding firmly and even if it was an invisible one, it would probably have a mass into it. The guard didn't either release Hara or searched for any possible weapon but, he instinctively reached for a sword that was attached to his thigh and pointed it near Hara's neck.

"- You are suspicious and therefore, I must either have you go back from where you are from or have you arrested until we can clear you."

Growling?

Sounds of growl could be heard, both Naïa's city guard and Phelia seemed confused, the noise was coming from Hara's coat, exactly where the guard's hand firmly held, his grip had grandly diminished though.

Phelia was able to notice blood coming down of Hara's fingers.

~Chapter 3: END~

6
MR Pub / Re: Chit Chat 2018
« on: April 19, 2018, 11:18:18 AM »
Damn. That really sucks. I know it's all hindsight now, but have you considered Google drive or some other cloud service? I've got Google docs right on my phone, so everything I work on with it is saved online automatically. Gives me some peace of mind that I have an extra layer of security between losing all my files and keeping them safe.

I guess that I should probably do that from now on...
Well, even as a hinsight, at least I probably won't lose those files anymore.

7
MR Pub / Re: Chit Chat 2018
« on: April 18, 2018, 03:46:43 PM »
If it's just a battery do you at least have hope of getting your files off? Like, can you get it on if it's plugged in to the wall?

No, lol

I completely wiped all of the datas, it couldn't stay on unless the CP was on or Odin mode.

I had a lot of stories that I wanted to post that wrte on there...

8
MR Pub / Re: Chit Chat 2018
« on: April 18, 2018, 11:00:37 AM »
Sorry to hear about your phone. any hope of getting it fixed?

Unfortunetly, I don'y think so. The battery can't charge anymore...

9
MR Pub / Re: Chit Chat 2018
« on: April 18, 2018, 10:42:52 AM »
I need to rant a little. First off, my phone had to die on me during friday, now here I am, having completely nothing to do since all of my stuffs were stored on it.

Afterwards, I realized that snow has started to fall yet again where I live. Which also mean, more slipping from me since, that always happens anyway.

Lastly, I had a fever, a bad one. Thank you to this unstable weather.
[/b]

10
break Room / Anyone interested in joining us on LINE app?
« on: March 14, 2018, 02:11:22 PM »
Me and Forlorn uses that app and if anyone wants to join, you can just add me with my ID: youreyes_me


11
break Room / Which type of animal represent you best?
« on: March 01, 2018, 01:51:15 PM »
Mine is the White Wolf~

WBU?


12
Manga Art Gallery / Re: YoUr EyEs Gallery work~
« on: February 27, 2018, 10:22:42 AM »
I am going through a lot and this is a way for me to keep fighting

13
Manga Art Gallery / Re: YoUr EyEs Gallery work~
« on: February 21, 2018, 01:03:50 PM »





One character made based on a story that I am writing: Echo.
Still writing the first chapter, it will be having a deep psychological thing in it.

14
MR Pub / Happy Valentine Day for Raiders from YoUr EyEs
« on: February 14, 2018, 12:33:56 PM »

Hello to all the Raiders,


We may have crossed each others path by mistake but, it will always be a mistake that I will cheerish from the bottom of my heart.

Alongside you all, I felt your passions from your drawings, stories and artistic behaviours, I am in love with this community and thus, I am wishing you all happiness during Valentine's day.


~From the Valentine of all raiders YoUr EyEs

Chocolate for you all!



15
MR Pub / Re: Plans for Valentines?
« on: February 13, 2018, 04:17:46 PM »
Sleeping...

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 21