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Manga Writers => Develop Your Story => Topic started by: Account Disabled on May 15, 2010, 04:40:47 PM


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Title: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 15, 2010, 04:40:47 PM
Okay, I may have to leave any minute, but first I'm going to try and write something down here. I figured I'd start a fantasy story since it's been the genre of story I've always enjoyed writing. Only reason I started Prey was to try something new, and I'm going to continue Prey as well, it's just that I'm going to try and write both of these stories.

So here's some half-butted explanation/summary *Turns to page in notebook to copy*:

War, plague, famine, poverty, things this world and its inhabitants know all too well, but I do not speak of the world where we reside, the world I refer to is in another dimension, yet we share the same plane (I think I spelled that wrong somehow...). It has its similarities to our world, such as sharing the name of Earth and having similar landscapes, but one must never forget a very important difference which separates us, gods. Not just gods though, goddesses as well. In this Earth resides hundreds, perhaps thousands of gods, thus filling the land with power. This must make you question why there is plague, famine, and poverty, well those are only the products of the wars. Each town, city, or even kingdom has a guardian god or goddess, sometimes even more than one, but this causes arguments between each place, they argue the powers of their guardians, they claim that theirs are better or more powerful, it is simply a battle caused by worship and religion in a sense. Also, in this world are people who are blessed by these powerful beings, they are given powers beyond any normal human. it may be a bandit or a knight, but however the power is used is dependent on the user and who gains this power is dependent on the god or, in our protagonist's case, a goddess.

I didn't want to forget I need to begin writing this story since I have a bunch of things to do next week, so this'll only be a reminder for me.
Title: Re: Blessed (Temp Title)
Post by: [aero] on May 15, 2010, 04:47:13 PM
sweet its the fantasy Litts been talking about

one thing im curious about is how your going to go about designing the gods, will they be based off of the religions of our plane (yes plane is spelled right) or will they be completely out of your head
Title: Re: Blessed (Temp Title)
Post by: Monsterful on May 15, 2010, 04:49:13 PM
A design based on ours would be very awesome, considering how many religions there are.
I just love reading about mythology and religion... mainly for having inspiration for a big story when I go pro xD
Title: Re: Blessed (Temp Title)
Post by: Account Disabled on May 15, 2010, 04:51:08 PM
Right out of my head, it'd be controversial or whatever if I tried using things like Hindu gods or Buddha, Allah, etc, I'd most likely be killed by some extremists somewhere. I like thinking up things like powers and gods anyways, one of the best things about being a writer is being able to create anything you want.

The drawing of Shi (Shippa) that was drawn by Doodle in the other topic was the goddess for out main character Athans.

Updating: God people post fast, gotta change this to respond to monsterful too XD.

I might try to throw in some Greek gods at least, anything that isn't too extreme or is not being worshiped in out time period, and the idea of just a "God" that rules over all will probably be used.
Title: Re: Blessed (Temp Title)
Post by: Iceh on May 15, 2010, 04:57:37 PM
^ Haha. I hate it when you reply to something someone said above you and then another person posts in front of you and then it seems like you were replying to what they said and then it doesn't make much sense.. >_>
I always edit in a panic, worrying if they will read it. xDD

Anyways though, just read the description. Interesting stuff. I'm sure that's just the most outer layer of it though. I'm going to assume that you will focusing on certain gods and godesses...

And yeah, I think you should create your own gods. May be a lot of work.. but you won't get sued by anyone.. plus, you don't have to do research and worry about incorrect sources and getting anything wrong. (;

Looking foreward to this.......
Title: Re: Blessed (Temp Title)
Post by: [aero] on May 15, 2010, 05:02:57 PM
yah i guess taking gods from religions would get you blown up...


but you can allways go look at em and get ideas for naming design and powers n such

Ie: Boreas, greek god of the north wind could lead to some interesting characters
      Lakshmi, hindu goddess of wealth and prosperity, would be a good basis for a towns guardian
Title: Re: Blessed (Temp Title)
Post by: Account Disabled on May 15, 2010, 05:07:12 PM
@aero: Ooh, Boreas, that god now gives me an idea, thanks [aero]. :D

@Iceh: That's right, and I dislike researching religion, too much to read. I'll have about two or three chapters by the end of next week, so look forward to that.  :tongue:
Title: Re: Blessed (Temp Title)
Post by: [aero] on May 15, 2010, 05:38:00 PM
O_o just dont use the name, that's Chione's dad XD
Title: Re: Blessed (Temp Title)
Post by: Iceh on May 15, 2010, 05:45:57 PM
Hmm..Slightly agreeing with the title name change.
"BLESSED".. doesn't seem to "get" me.
I think you should maybe rename this thread "Untitled WIP" or something like that.. or otherwise you'll feel yourself getting too attached to the name... and then not be able to change it later.
But.. maybe that's just something I do.. xDD
So, do whatever ya want. (;
Title: Re: Blessed (Temp Title)
Post by: [aero] on May 15, 2010, 05:48:08 PM
i agree, blessed kinda gives off the feel of a romance >_>
Title: Re: Blessed (Temp Title)
Post by: [aero] on May 15, 2010, 05:57:33 PM
oh i had in idea

How bout "Providence"

it can sometimes mean the care or governing of the gods
Title: Re: Blessed (Temp Title)
Post by: Account Disabled on May 15, 2010, 11:58:30 PM
I was actually thinking of adding some romance, but since this is actually going to be something more focused on action and be all shounen-like, I might change the title later on, Blessed didn't seem good to me either though it was all I coild think of.

Thanks for the suggestion [aero], but I feel like the title has to be something different...hmm...
Title: Re: Blessed (Temp Title)
Post by: [aero] on May 16, 2010, 12:00:07 AM
ahwell i tried >_<
Title: Re: Blessed (Temp Title)
Post by: Account Disabled on May 16, 2010, 12:25:23 AM
I'll think of something, but thanks anyways, I just feel I need something that could perhaps hint that there would be more than just religion in this.
Title: Re: Blessed (Temp Title)
Post by: Fnnenn Enninn on May 16, 2010, 12:30:27 AM
If you aren't going to outright use real life religions, will you be alluding to them? I would, to spark some controversy.
Title: Re: Blessed (Temp Title)
Post by: [aero] on May 16, 2010, 12:31:15 AM
yah, that makes sens

not sure about the controversy though
Title: Re: Blessed (Temp Title)
Post by: Account Disabled on May 16, 2010, 12:35:20 AM
I may allude to some, but only when a major god has to be faced, and no Allah, just how it'll be so I won't die any time soon.

For the title, you guys think "Altar" would work? It doesn't sound very correct for the story though...
Title: Re: Blessed (Temp Title)
Post by: [aero] on May 16, 2010, 12:37:29 AM
altar is even more religious then mine O_o

aside from that it.. seems more drama ish?

i dunno...
Title: Re: Blessed (Temp Title)
Post by: Monsterful on May 16, 2010, 12:53:54 AM
If you want to "divorce" a little bit from the gods being the main viewpoint seek for a title less "religious".

I recommend looking perhaps for a human emotion or verb, and start from there.

You have the classic ones like Redemption, Judgment, Freewill and so goes on.
Title: Re: Blessed (Temp Title)
Post by: [aero] on May 16, 2010, 12:55:43 AM
haha Paladin terms XD
Title: Re: Blessed (Temp Title)
Post by: Fnnenn Enninn on May 16, 2010, 01:05:25 AM
Zeus V. Jesus!
Ultimate smack-fight-brawl duel!
Title: Re: Blessed (Temp Title)
Post by: Account Disabled on May 16, 2010, 01:28:03 AM
Changing the title, I figured I'd name it Arcane Judgement now, it's the name I'm sticking with and I'll explain so when I write up chapter one...or when somebody asks, I'll change the topic title once I remember how...
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on May 16, 2010, 01:31:59 AM
ooh arcane
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 16, 2010, 01:35:05 AM
Yes, and if possible, I will explain why "Arcane" before my parents try to make me sleep.

I figured since the use of the powers bestowed upon blessed people are similar to the way a mage uses spells and magic, why not "Arcane"? Of course some sort of cleric reference may fit better, but it's more of a battle story so healing wouldn't fit too well. The Judgement thing was just to add in a part for the god aspect of the story.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on May 16, 2010, 01:37:14 AM
hmm, makes sense to me

though saying it judgement seems a bit forced (prolly cause i play wow and arcane is for mages and judgement is for paladins)
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 16, 2010, 01:41:43 AM
I think the title now works well enough, it'll feel more natural once some of the story is written.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on May 16, 2010, 01:47:28 AM
allrighty

write it

im waiting

waiting






waiting






waiting






XD
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 16, 2010, 11:23:44 AM
It'll be days before the first chapter is out I'm pretty sure, so keep up that waiting as I await 2PM so I can make too many egg rolls.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on May 16, 2010, 11:47:48 AM
Ah, Litt's fantasy. Can't wait.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Iceh on May 16, 2010, 11:48:55 AM
xDD Haha
I was kind of shocked when I saw a thread called "Arcane Judgement" made by you.
Thought you made another story. I was like "Geez. O.o"

But awesome.. likin' the new name. Way better. More catchier.. more rememberable.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 16, 2010, 11:53:29 AM
Haha, happy that you like the new title.

It'd be physically and mentally impossible for me to write any more than two stories right now, sad because I have a lot of stories I planned to write months ago...
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Iceh on May 16, 2010, 12:03:29 PM
Haha I suppose.
But, everyone has a back-log of stuff they have to work on.
I have tons of pictures I have to draw.. You guys may not know.. but yes, I go on multiple forums. All of which I have a great art presence. So I have a lot of things to catch up on..

But we're all only human. (;
Lets do the best we can do.
Eventually we'll get to everything that we want to do..
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 16, 2010, 02:35:23 PM
...cell ruined my long reply...jist of it is that I finished chap one and now working on Beat Limit. Will post proper reply when I get home.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 16, 2010, 08:25:38 PM
Alright, so this is chapter one of Arcane Judgement, not exactly what I imagined when I thought up this story idea, and I could change it completely, but I think this'll suffice. The main character in this story though is in no way starting off or weak, he doesn't exactly have any adventure going on either. He just wanders from town to town and fights according to what he feels is right. Whatever, on to the story.



Arcane Judgement

Chapter 1 – A Calm Wind
Inside of a bar are many people shivering in fear, the cause of the fear being the raid taking place by bandits. The
bandits are all wearing many layers of torn clothing, the leader of the bandits continuously throws a box of mathes up
and catches it.

Bandit 1: Oi, oi! Where the hell is my beer!?

The bandit slams on a table while sitting in the chair, all of the chairs now occupied by bandits the regular citizens
cower in a corner. A waitress slowly walks over to the table, he legs shaking, she holds a tray with many mugs of beer.

Waitress: H-here’s your order.

She lays the mugs on the table one by one, but her hands shake, causing her to spill an entire mug on one of the
bandits.

Bandit 1: You bitch!

The bandit pushes the waitress onto the ground.

Waitress: Ahh!

Bandit 1: Don’t think you can get away with that!

The bandit slowly walks over to the waitress, just as he reaches her a person walks in through the cowboy styled
doors of the bar.

Athans: Hel-

As soon as he opens his mouth the leader of the bandits flicks a match at him and in an instant it lights into a fireball
as large as a bowling ball. The fireball strikes the doors before they open fully and cause them to burst into flame. All of
the bandits look at their Bandit Leader.

Bandit Leader: Let’s have no interruptions, shall we?

Bandit 1: Thanks bo-

A wind blows through the doors, putting out the fire and lifting the bandit off of his feet and knocking him into the wall
near the citizens.

Bandit 1: Agh!

Athans: Like I was saying, hello. I’d like a table for one.

All of the bandits look at the doorway as our main protagonist walks in, he wears a cloak that reaches down to the
back of his knees, his red hair in a ponytail tied with bandages, a plain t-shirt and baggy pants that tuck into his
leather boots, in his hand is a rod with an orb at the top.

Athans: It’s been a while since I’ve eaten, what’s there on the menu?

Showing an angered expression the bandit leader stands up from the chair he was previously sitting and walks
towards Athans, he places a cigar in his mouth.

Bandit Leader: Hey, need a light?

The bandit leader says as he takes a match out of the box he has with him and puts the match near the side of the
box.

Athans: No, sorry I don’t smoke.

Bandit Leader: Ah, then do you mind if I have smoke?

Athans: Not at all.

Bandit Leader: Thanks...

The bandit leader strikes the match off the side of the box, it lights normally but before anything else happens all of
the bandits scurry out of the bar.

Bandit 2: Get out now!

Bandit 3: Crap, Bandit Leader has been pissed off!

They all run out and fight over who gets out first.

Athans: It seems they dislike smoking more than I do.

Bandit Leader: Heh, I guess so.

Inhaling over half of the cigar the bandit leader takes the cigar out of his mouth with one hand.

Athans: Whoa, slow down th-

He exhales and a massive flame is exerted from his mouth, all of the bandits outside take cover. There is a long
silence, nothing happens.

Bandit 2: Huh? What’s happening?

Bandit 3: Didn’t Bandit Leader use that?

Flying out of the doorway is the leader of the bandits, he spins in the air and crashes into a group of his underlings.

Bandits: Agh!

Athans steps out of the bar and stands in the doorway.

Athans: At least don’t bother others if you’re gonna smoke.

Taking a large breath of fresh air, Athans then exhales though nothing happens.

Athans: A fresh breath of air is much better.

He walks back into the bar, all of the citizens slowly stand up one after another, and Athans puts his hand out to the
waitress.

Athans: Do you need a hand?

Waitress: Ah, thank you.

She takes Athans’ hand and stands up.

Athans: Oh, you might not have heard before due to all of the commotion, but I’d like a table for one.

Getting up, the bear soaked bandit uses the wall as an aid to help himself to his feet, he looks over at Athans.

Bandit 1: What the hell happened?

His hand on his head, the impact knocked him unconscious before.

Bandit 1: Wait...where is everyone?

Noticing the rod in Athans’ hand, he realizes the situation.

Bandit 1: You!

He takes out a machete that is placed in his cloth belt and charges at Athans’.

Bandit 1: Die!

Running at Athans’ at full speed with the machete he reaches the distance where he is just within reach. The waitress
notices the raging bandit along with the rest of the citizens.

Waitress: Look out!

Athans slowly turns his head to the bandit and shows a smirk, the bandit ignores it and continues to run, but he is
stopped in his tracks, a small loli of a girl stands in his path, her hand against his stomach stopping him with ease.

Bandit 1: What the-

Shi: Ehe.

The little girl jumps and grabs onto the bandit’s collar, he turns in mid air and throws him out of the bar. The bandit is
thrown into his own leader which is only in the process of getting up himself.

Bandit Leader: Ack!

Everyone in the bar stares at both Athans and the little girl names Shi with eyes of amazement.

Athans: Hmm, I guess that makes it a table for two then.

Shi jumps with a large smile on her face, her jump is so light and high that she basically floats up and down.

Shi: Yay! I want ice-cream! Ice-cream!

Athans: I don’t think they have that here.

Shi: Boo! I want some chocolate then.

Athans: Alright, and I’ll have a salad.

Walking into the bar now is a man dressed as a sheriff, he holds his sheriff badge in his hand rather than on his chest,
he holds it out towards Athans.

Sheriff: Under the name of the law, I’m placing you and your bandit friends under arrest.

Athans: When did I make new friends?

Shi: Yay, friends!

Turning towards the sheriff, the waitress runs over and pushes the sheriff’s badge down to face the ground.

Waitress: Sheriff, please wait!

Shi: We aren’t welcome here, are we?

Athans: I don’t think so.

Waitress: Ah-

Athans: I guess we’ll have to put our meal on hold.

Shi: But I’m hungry.

Athans: Come on, we’re leaving.

Athans and Shi both walk to the doorway, Athans notices the site outside of the bar, all of the bandits’  are buried,
only their heads showing above ground.

Athans: Nice work sheriff.

Shi: Bleh!

The loli sticks her tongue out to the sheriff.

Shi: You owe me a chocolate cake!

Sheriff: Why you little-

The waitress keeps the sheriff held back and looks him in the eyes with a serious look.

Sheriff: ...hmph.

The sheriff turns away from Shi.

Walking over to the bandit leader, Athans looks down at his head. The bandit leader begins to panic and would cower
in fear if it wasn’t for his body being underground.

Bandit Leader: Ahh! Leave me alone! I’m sorry, I’ll never do it again!

Bonk, the sound Athans’ rod makes when he hits the bandit leader’s head with his rod, he knocks him out.

Athans: You shouldn’t lie.

He begins to walk again, now out of town, the town itself only being a town built on two sides of a large road in the
middle of nowhere, Shi catches up to him and walks by his side.

Shi: Walk slower, my legs are shorter than yours!

Athans: That’s a choice.

Shi: Hmph.

Shi puffs up her cheeks.

Athans: Don’t try anything funny.

They both walk out of town and out of site, the sheriff then decides to free himself from the waitress’s grasp.

Sheriff: Why did you protect those people?

Waitress: I wasn’t protecting them, I was protecting you.

Back with Athans and Shi, Shi floats like a leaf in the wind.

Athans: This isn’t fair at all, I’m going to have to walk to the next town.

Shi: Why? You can do this too.

Athans: It’s weird when a human floats.

Athans looks out into the distance.

Shi: How far until the next town?

Athans: About thirty miles, you might as well get some rest now.

Shi: Oka~y.

Shi disappears without any traces, a light breeze begins to blow against Athans’ back. Athans’ stomach growls loudly.

Athans: I really wish I could have gotten that salad...

The sun begins to set as they walk, Athans places his hand on his stomach.

Athans: God I wish I had some food.

He hears a whisper on the wind.

Wind: I can’t do anything about that.

Athans: Sigh...
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on May 17, 2010, 01:25:04 AM
two things presented themselves while i read this, one... the bandits need better names. and two, the powers reminded me of avatar.

anyways, i like the chapter. it was fun to read and the characters were pretty interesting. im curious though how the seemingly episodic nature will work out (what i gathered from the top note) definitely has a fantasy western feel going though. pretty cool mix XD
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 17, 2010, 06:10:22 AM
I don't give random side characters names, not usually anyways, especially if they don't show up again but I guess I could since there're only a few that are even mentioned.

I have yet to watch Avatar...what is that movie like, or do you mean The Last Airbender, or even that game one....I don't know anymore.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on May 17, 2010, 06:21:20 AM
i ment the last airbender show

and i only mention bandit names because they call eachotehr by name in the dialogue
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 17, 2010, 04:35:37 PM
Alright, I figure that I'm going to rewrite chapter 1 to try and:

1) Give the bandits very generic names
2) Make it seem less like Avatar The Last Airbender
3) Have it flow better, and at least have the main character at the beginning of the story.

I may or may not be finished by the end of today from some other things I have to do, i.e. Prey descriptions and a new chapter, but I'll try working on it.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Fnnenn Enninn on May 17, 2010, 05:19:58 PM
I dunno, I think it's fine the way it is now, keeping it similar to Avatar.
Anyway, the western element surprised me, but made me quite happy.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 17, 2010, 06:17:49 PM
That's the thing though, it isn't meant to be like Avatar, the powers gods and goddesses can give range from things like super strength to psychic ability, I simply picked fire for the bandit and earth for the sheriff cause of where they were situated, also cause I wanted fire to be beaten up by wind, will be used later on in story.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Fnnenn Enninn on May 17, 2010, 07:01:44 PM
Well see, the only thing they have in common are those powers. It really isn't that bad.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 17, 2010, 07:56:02 PM
Still, I've always felt that chapter 1 has an effect upon the rest of the story, and I'm going to rework it anyways...after I finish chapter ten of Prey, and after redoing chapter one of this, I'm gonna get to my English Essay...I have my priorities in order. :laughing11:
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on May 17, 2010, 09:29:08 PM
any idea on what the new bandit power will be?
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 17, 2010, 09:32:15 PM
I figured I could have it as the same power from before, or I could change it to something completely random, maybe more speed, strength, perhaps even the ability to lift light objects. It'll depend on how I feel the story is flowing once I start, that's how I usually work.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on May 17, 2010, 09:34:07 PM
mkay cool

well i look forward to reading the revision
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 17, 2010, 09:40:30 PM
Alright, but I'm probably not going to have it done until tomorrow, I've been procrastinating again and have yet to finish two more things today.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 20, 2010, 03:23:16 PM
Arcane Judgement

Chapter 1 – A Calm, Passing Wind
Sitting in a western styled restaurant in a western styled bar is a not so western pair. Athans, a 19 year old male with
red hair tied in a ponytail with bandages and brown eyes that are never looking at what’s in front of him sits at a
wooden table with a salad in front of him. Shippa, or Shi as she likes to be called, a self proclaimed 15 year old female
with long leaf green hair and the same coloured eyes sits in the chair across from him slowly eating a chocolate parfait.

Shi: This is so sweet and delicious!

Shi puts a hand on her cheek and she smiles.

Athans: You don’t have to comment on your food as you eat, there isn’t anyone here to hear you anyways.

The entire restaurant is deserted, Athans and Shi are the only customers occupying the building.

Waitress: I’m glad you like the chocolate parfait.

A waitress stands next to the table with a tray held to her chest. Her outfit is a apron and a plain pink dress
underneath.

Shi: Bleh!

Shi sticks her tongue out towards Athans.

Shi: There was someone!

Athans: Just eat your parfait so we can leave.

The plate in front of Athans cleaned off with only the fork remaining on it, Athans sits back in his chair and picks up a
rod leaned against an extra chair next to him. The rod is above the length of his own leg and had a transparent orb on
the top.

Shi: Parfaits are meant to be enjoyed slowly, savouring the taste!

Athans: You didn’t say that about the cake you devoured last time.

Shi: Cakes are different!

Athans: Both are chocked full of sugar, it’s the same to you.

Shi: Shut up you big meanie!

The waitress looks at Athans and then his rod.

Waitress: Umm, excuse me for asking, but is that-

At the moment the waitress begins to speak the western styled doors burst open and a large group walk in.

Athans: Oh, more customers.

Shi: They don’t look like they’re going to buy anything.

Walking in is a large group of bandits, at least two dozen of them. They begin to sit down at all of the tables, and just
as the last bandit walks in all the tables are filled. The last bandit is dressed very different from the rest, he does not
carry a machete or any weapon on his side like the others, he doesn’t cover his face and he doesn’t wear worn
clothes. Instead this bandit is dressed like a gangster from the 1970s, he has a cigar in his mouth unlit.

Joe: What’s this? No room for me to sit?

Larry: Hey you bastards, get the hell outta here!

The waitress shakes a little from fear as the bandit shouts.

Athans: I think we’re good where we are.

Shi: Hmph.

Both Athans and Shi do not move from their seats and continue their actions from before. The waitress walks over to
the singled out bandit, Joe, her legs shake as she walks, the tray to her chest now held tightly

Waitress: W-what would you like to order?

With an intimidating atmosphere Joe walks past the waitress, ignoring her and to the table where Athans and Shi sit.
Athans doesn’t bother looks over his should and Shi simply continues to slowly eat her parfait. Putting his hand on the
extra chair next to Athans he turns his head to look at the carefree customer.

Joe: Mind if I sit here?

Athans: Not at all, go ahead.

Joe: Thanks.

The 1970s gangster pulls out the chair and sits down. He looks back towards the waitress with a smile.

Joe: I’m sorry, I thought it would have been rude to order standing up.

Waitress: A-ah, of course.

The waitress trots over to Joe and asks him again for his order.

Waitress: What would you like to order?

This time there is no studder in her words, she shows her usual smile towards customers. Now believing the bandits
are not bad people. Joe ponders for a bit and then looks at the waitress again with a smile.

Joe: Whatever you recommend.

Waitress: Yes, right way!

Walking away with a spring in her step she feels safe again. Joe then turns to his fellow table members with his
convincing smile, he also takes his cigar out of his mouth.

Joe: Hello, my name’s Joe, sorry if my men gave you a scare. Oh, you probably don’t like people smoking around you
either.

Athans: Scared? Not at all, that’s like a tiger fearing a mouse.

Getting out of his seat furiously is Larry, the bandit who shouted before but he sits back down immediately as Joe
raises his arm in a gesture to do so.

Joe: Yes, mice. We wouldn’t try anything to harm civilians.

Athans: Oh? And what if I said I wasn’t a civilian?

Joe: Then I’d have to ask you to leave.

His face showing a smile, but the bandit’s voice is full of intimidation*

Athans: Why’s that?

Joe: That’s because I don’t like unwanted guests in my town.

Athans: Your town?

Joe: That’s right, now get out before I do something regrettable.

Quite amused Athans smirks at the 1970s gangster bandit and stands up.

Athans: I felt like getting a breath of fresh air, care to join?

Standing up after Athans he shows a sickening grin.

Joe: Of course not, I felt like having a smoke after all.

Both of the men walk out of the restaurant, Shi simply ignores them, she savours the last spoonfuls of parfait even
longer than the spoonfuls before.

Larry: That idiot’s in for it now, pissing off the boss like that.

Brad: Poor girl is gonna be alone now.

The bandits suddenly show a disgusting look on their faces as they stare at Shi.

Shi: Delicious~

Finally realizing the lack of commotion outside of the restaurant, one of the bandits comment.

Larry: It’s quiet outside and boss hasn’t come back in.

Walking in through the old western style doors is Athans, unharmed and calm. He walks back to the table where Shi
sits, Shi finishes her parfait as soon as he reaches the table.

Shi: Done!

Athans: Alright, let’s go now. We aren’t exactly too welcome here.

Shi: Alri~ght.

The two of them walk out of the western style doors, a small pouch left on the table. Rushing out after the two as they
exit, the entire bandit group charges out of the door yet Athans and Shi are already out of their sight. Their boss on
the other hand is very much visible, at least his bottom half. His top half on the other side of a wall, he seems to have
been impaled through the side of a building.

Larry: Boss!

Brad: Who did this to you!?

The bandits run other to their leader and begin to pull him out of the wall. Shi begins to chuckle from high above as she
looks down upon the struggling bandits.

Shi: Hehehe.

Athans: What’s so funny?

Athans and Shi both fly slowly forward in the sky, though Shi shows more freedom in the air. Athans then turns his
head to below.

Athans: Oh.

Shi: Did you do that to the oaf?

Shi’s voice sounds much more mature than it did in the restaurant before, more like a lady.

Athans: Actually...no. The guy charged right at me, he took off that stupid looking bowler hat and his hair turned into
an urchin.

Shi: Ahaha! An urchin!? I wish I could have seen that!

Athans: Finally stop acting like a kid?

Shi: Eh? What did you say?

Athans lightly taps Shi on the head with the orb on his rod.

Shi: Oww.

Athans: Let’s get going to the next town.

Shi: Where is it this time?

Athans: Wherever the wind takes us.

Shi: To Ren kingdom it is.

Athans: I didn’t mean you.

Shi: Too late.

Athans: Sigh. Let’s go then, to the Kingdom of Ren.

The two flying bodies head off south, nothing can be seen in the horizon of the large plain, but they fly at a high speed
towards their next destination, the Kingdom of Ren.

Waitress: Here’s your or- Eh?

The waitress walks out to find nobody in the room, only a single table with one dirty plate, a chocolate stained cup and a small brown pouch. The waitress walks over to the table and picks up the pouch, the contents are coins to pay for the meal.



Weirdest thing, just as I began posting this, I remembered I forgot a part in the story, just added it in, I meant for it to happen earlier but oh well. What's done is done and I just might fix it up another time. So then, version 2 of chapter 1, not so much like Avatar and I'm satisfied enough with it since the real story begins at chapter 2.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on May 20, 2010, 03:45:11 PM
nice Litt, i think i like this version a bit more then the first one

two things though, is this version shorter? (kind of feel like it)

second, is the urchin thing a reference to one piece?
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on May 20, 2010, 03:57:26 PM
Ah, the fantasy is here, eh?
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 20, 2010, 04:20:46 PM
@[aero]: It may be about 200+ words shorter, I don't really know. It wasn't a very important chapter so I just kind of had it shorter than usual. The urchin thing though, no. I have no idea what it has to do with One Piece, even though I read it. :confused: (Wait, you mean Zolo/Zoro's hair?) It's just the power he got, though it's minor, it'll make more sense later.

@lego: Yeah, I really wanted to start it and so I have. Also a little note if you didn't already read, many spoilers of Athans' powers are in the Mortal Kombat topic, it just seemed to happen.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on May 20, 2010, 04:22:44 PM
Spoiler powers? Don't use them then!

Anyway, i'll wait for uh... three chapters... Then i'll read. People here like cliffhanging me, so i'll wait for a little pile up before diving into the story.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on May 20, 2010, 04:26:53 PM
http://onepiece.wikia.com/wiki/Toge_Toge_no_Mi

BEHOLD MY KNOWLEDGE OF SOMETHING I HAVEN'T SEEN OR READ

thank you cartoon network

on a note of Athans powers.... rage!!! i have awesome ideas for them, but telling you would... let you beat coryn... kinda
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 20, 2010, 04:30:16 PM
But those powers seemed pretty danged cool to me, most anyways.

I'll have three chapters out by mid next week if I'm lucky, if not then I'll have it sone on the weekend of next week.

@[aero] (who interrupted my post): Is that a filler ep in the anime? I have never seen that power in the manga, and I read from chapter 1. As for Athans' powers, I think I'm good for them now, I'm not gonna have him show off everything at first anyways, though I could do with a little research about wind, air, etc.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on May 20, 2010, 04:33:23 PM
But those powers seemed pretty danged cool to me, most anyways.

I meant don't use em in the Mortal Kombat topic. You'll spoil the surprises.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on May 20, 2010, 04:35:06 PM
all right, let me know if you want my idea ever

i dont know about the episode as i dont watch one piece >_> didnt seem like filler they were fighting in some castle against a big dude in a furry jacket

(it was the red head chick fighting the spiky lady)
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 20, 2010, 04:50:55 PM
@lego: But I'm playing Athans in the Mortal Kombat section. Guess I'm gonna have to make up a new character on the spot then.

@[aero]: Now I remember, geez that was so long ago in the manga it's only a hazy memory now. Still though, I didn't allude to that, it was coincidence.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on May 20, 2010, 07:55:20 PM
you could say it was a reference in the future XD
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 20, 2010, 11:07:23 PM
Naw, though the power I have in mind for the future is quite similar, though also a little different, we'll see what happens.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on May 20, 2010, 11:24:57 PM
hmm... all right

(curious now what it is)
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 23, 2010, 10:58:50 PM
Alright, finally finished chapter 2, though the flow is probably off since I had writer's block when typing it up. Weirdest thing, I can write better at my parents' restaurant for this story. :confused:



Chapter 2 – Kingdoms, Kings, and Their People
Walking along a busy street bustling with business are Athans and Shi, Shi has a wide grin on her face as she holds a large sack of candy in her arms, Athans on the other hand shows a serious expression.

Shi: Candy~, candy~

Athans: Isn’t it dangerous for us to be here Shi?

Shi: Eh? Did you say you wanted some candy? I guess I could give you a piece.

The short girl reaches her hand into the bag of candy and takes out a small piece of black liquorice and hands it to Athans. Athans looks at the sugary object and begins to nibble on it, his face still serious.

Athans: Everyone here is wearing that necklace...

As Athans changes his gaze from person to person he notices that on every single persons’ neck is a necklace with an odd design. It’s a diamond shape with a cross that goes from corner to corner on the inside of the shape. Crushing a piece of candy with a bite, Shi’s voice changes back to a serious tone instead of her usual childish voice.

Shi: Pay no heed to them, we’re simply here as wanderers. As long as we steer clear of this town’s king I’m sure we’ll be fine.

Athans: Then why didn’t we steer clear of this kingdom altogether?

Her face turning even more serious, he turns her head to Athans and looks up at him.

Shi: Because the candy here is delicious.

Athans: The candy...alright then.
Ripping a large part of the liquorice with his teeth Athans chews the tough candy. The two of them side by side walk along the road still, after looking at carious wares at various shops and stalls they take a break and sit down in the shade under a tree in a green park. Laying back Athans takes in a large breath of fresh air.

Athans: Haah... It’s been a while since we could just walk around like this. 

Shi: About a month if I remember correctly.

Athans: We can’t exactly trust your memory.

Shi: Be a little sensitive.

Athans: Ahaha, sorry.

A cool breeze blows through the town, it rustles the leaves in the tree above Athans and Shi. The gentle wind makes both Athans and Shi raise their heads and close their eyes, taking in the moment.
Shi: A natural breeze is always the best.
Athans: I can agree with you on that.
Running through the park is a small child, he runs towards Athans and Shi. Chasing after the child is a woman no older than Athans, most likely even younger than him.

Ty: Hahaha!

Jumping at Athans the small child grabs onto part of Athans’ cloak and hides himself under it.

Athans: This is odd.

Shi: Maybe he likes you.

Rin: Hey! Come back here!

The girl runs up to Athans herself, he puts her hands against her knees, panting from her lack of breath.

Rin: Get out of there Ty.

Ty: No.

Rin: Stop bothering the nice man.

Ty: But it’s really warm in here.

Rin: What nonsense are you talking about?

Athans stands up, Ty almost falls out of his cloak onto the ground, but Athans hold onto him.

Athans: Is this yours?

Rin: Ah, sorry.

Rin bows to Athans, he hands folded and her stare at the ground. Ty pokes his head out of Athans’ cloak.

Ty: Sorry for what?

Shi rises to her feet and pats Athans on the arm.

Shi: You don’t have to be sorry, I bother this person all the time.

Turning to Shi, Athans looks down with a slightly annoyed face.

Athans: If you know you bother me then why do you still do it?

Shi: Cause its fun.

The mood lightens up and Rin stands upright and straightens her back, she smiles at Athans and Shi.

Rin: I really am sorry though.

Athans: It isn’t a problem.

Ty: See? It isn’t a problem.

Opening up his cloak Athans lifts Ty out from under it and holds him out to Rin.

Athans: That’s enough, stop bothering her now.

Ty: Okay~

Rin takes Ty from Athans hands and holds him close to her.

Rin: You aren’t getting away this time.

Ty: Wanna see me try?

Rin shows an angered expression making Ty cower a little.

Athans: You’re from this kingdom, right?

Rin: That’s right, are you two travellers?

Athans: Yes, we were just wandering from place to place until we happened to come across here.

Rin: Oh, would you like me to show you around?

Athans: No, no, we can find our way around easily, we just wanted to know, what god do you worship
here?

Taken for words for a moment Rin doesn’t say anything, she simply looks at Athans as if he had just asked for the secrets of the world.

Athans: Is something wrong?

Ty: I don’t worship that stupid g-

A shout loud enough for everyone in the kingdom to hear Ty’s voice bursts from his mouth but Rin is quick to cover it with one of her hands.

Rin: It’s nothing. Ah, look at the time, we should be heading home soon, let’s go Ty.

Rin runs off with Ty in her arms, Athans watches as she leaves, he does not bother to try and stop her.

Athans: Think that’s a sign?

Shi: I don’t see how it couldn’t be, but before we get to work, do you mind if we get some more supplies, we’ve being running out.

Athans: We’ll finish this up tomorrow then.

Until the sun sets the two walk from stall to stall yet again, this time purchasing some food, flint, and other things needed for travel. The moon now rises as Shi and Athans finish up their purchases and they walk under the same tree as they had before earlier in the day. Athans lays his rod next to him and leans against the tree to sleep, Shi lays her head on Athans’ lap using it as a pillow, they both fall asleep under the bright moonlit sky.

Rin: ...

Rin stands in the distance looking at Shi and Athans under the tree with a worried look on her face. She runs up to them quickly with a blank and throws it over the two to keep them warm.

Athans: Thank you.

Speaking with closed eyes Athans speaks to Rin.

Rin: !

Rin runs off after hearing Athans, heading back to her own bed.

Shi: Are you alright with this?

Athans: Empires, kingdoms, dictatorships, they all fall eventually, we’re just going to have our own little part in this one.

Shi: Will the kingdom be alright without their king?

Athans: I can’t tell you that Shi, we’re just going to have to leave that part up to the people to decide.

The night wears on as Athans and Shi rest under the moonlit night sky. As they sleep they dream, and what they dream does not bring unconscious smiles, the morning awaits.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on May 24, 2010, 03:30:51 AM
ooh really good chapter Lit, i liked it a lot!

had to re read a few parts cause i read too quickly and confused my self O_o

anyways i believe yo u said the story starts up in this chapter, so im guessing it has something to do with either the god of the town, the all of the government of the town, or how Ty was acting when he was talking about the god of the town... at least that's what i gathered >_>

anyways i liked it, so keep writing i want to read more of this story!


(Shi is pretty awesome XD, i loved the serious part)
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 24, 2010, 03:36:38 PM
Thanks for reading again [aero]. It was probably confusing since I ended up removing a few lines when I was halfway done, then I decided on what would happen for the second half two days after I began writing it.

What happens in the story next will be revealed in the next chapter...most likely.

Shi is a little iffy to me, don't exactly know how to make her serious and childlike at the same time. Recently I've been thinking on whether I've been keeping my characters' personalities consistent or not.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on May 24, 2010, 05:27:56 PM
The removng lines thing makes sense

as for Shi BEng serious, I think that will depend on the timing and the situation

and m pretty sure everry writer worries about consistanxy in their characters... Atleast I do >_>
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 24, 2010, 06:36:05 PM
It's kind of hard for me to stay consistent, sometimes I have my characters act cool even if they're personalities don't fit that.

I'll just try to take some advice from Sarru and work on my descriptions of face expressions.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Iceh on May 24, 2010, 09:05:30 PM
Woah.. just read all the chapters.. ie. both versions of chap1 and chap2. xDD
Soo good!!!! I think I'm addicted to it now. xD
Wow, you write scripts really well.. I really get into them.. Didn't know I could. P; (
Very good writer .. you are. (;
Oh but.. I noticed sometimes that you missed letters.. especially the S in She. You kept writing He... when you meant she. Sometimes you wrote He instead of Her too.

A part that made me laugh outloud was when Shi said "Because they have good candy". xDD So funny. I thought she was gonna say something really serious - but goddamn, that got me good. xD

But really good stuff.. I can imagine the characters quite well.
Wanna do me a favor though~ <:
I'd love to read more detailed descriptions on them. Could you write up a profile thinger for each of them? I'd love you forever. [awesomeface]
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on May 24, 2010, 09:52:32 PM
i think litt has profiles for them in the post your characters thread Doodle started up
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 24, 2010, 10:24:55 PM
Yeah, that's right. Athans and Shi which I had Doodle draw when I had the chance, I'l repost the descriptions here though.

Quote
These are some future characters I wish to use for a story I'm going to start next week, hopefully. The story's temporary title is Blessed.

Name: Athans
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Height: 6’ 1”
Weight: 164lbs
Hair: In a short ponytail, tied with bandages.
Clothes: He wears a cloak with a hood, a white t-shirt underneath, and baggy pants that are tucked into his boots which have straps on the side.
Setting: He lives in a fantasy world where something like “magic” exists, but not exactly magic.
Likes: Animals in general, though mainly aerial creatures, he also chews on herbs to keep his health up, so he usually has a leaf or something similar in his mouth, he also reads very much.
Dislikes: Tough-to-chew meat, waking up early, being bothered, knights.
Extras: He holds a staff with an orb at the end, the orb is completely clear.

Name: Shi (Name actually Shippa)
Age: 15 (or so she says)
Gender: Female...or not.
Height: 5’ 5”
Weight: 115lbs
Hair: Long and puts into multiple braids tied with the same types of bandages in Athans’ hair.
Clothes: She wears an odd style of clothing, it has a mesh design for part of the collar going down to above the chest, though she’s flat chested and childlike, so nothing is shown, the rest of her clothing is full of line designs, she wears shorts with the same design. The sleeves on her shirt though reach past her hands and are wise enough to fit two heads.
Setting: The same as Athans’ though she’s one of the sources of this “magic”.
Likes: Sweet things, good people, jokes no matter how lame.
Dislikes: Fire, rain, any types of weather unless it’s night time. She doesn’t like people that are mean or uninteresting.
Extras: She can fly and is a goddess of wind.


EDIT: Dear god I hope you didn't read this yet, had to add in a detail on Shi's clothing. *Sweatdrop*
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Iceh on May 24, 2010, 10:29:39 PM
Thanks. =)
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 25, 2010, 03:35:42 PM
No problem, but I think I might try to make Shi shorter...how tall are 10 year olds nowadays? :hmm:
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Fnnenn Enninn on May 25, 2010, 06:04:10 PM
129.5cm average. (4'3")
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Iceh on May 25, 2010, 06:28:42 PM
xD Well.. I'm short as hell.
I was kind of shocked when I saw how tall she was.
I'm 5'1".. and I'm a 15 year old guy sooo...

But .. don't go off my height. >_>

I think you should put her as 4'9".
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 25, 2010, 06:46:25 PM
Yeah, I'm kind of using my height as a base, but I make my protagonists slightly taller than me, so about to my chest may be 4'9", I guess I'll make that her height then. Thanks for the numbers guys.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Fnnenn Enninn on May 25, 2010, 07:50:32 PM
Don't thank me, thank Google and simple plug-in convertions  8)
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Iceh on May 25, 2010, 08:00:39 PM
^ Hahaha xDD
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 25, 2010, 09:37:23 PM
I thank Google each and every day, else Google may delete me as a result. :secret:
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on May 26, 2010, 05:59:13 AM
*grabs a branch and pulls self out of swamp.*

When i can i'll read this! Looks interesting but - kyaagh!! -

* dissapears into swamp *
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Monsterful on May 27, 2010, 10:07:48 PM
Would you mind If I doodl... no wait that word is for Doodler xD, Mind if draw a lil sketchs of your characters? It happens to be very fun, I did some for Aero but the last 2 ones were kinda... lost lol! >.<
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on May 27, 2010, 10:09:44 PM
>:O
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Monsterful on May 27, 2010, 10:15:49 PM
I'm searching for them aero! >.<
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 27, 2010, 10:17:06 PM
 :laughing11: Seems like fun, go ahead, I won't stop ya, in fact I'll encourage ya to.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Monsterful on May 27, 2010, 10:19:45 PM
yeah it's fun! and I also happen to find a very good practice! It levels up the skill "From Words to Drawing" I have that one very low... since I often draw and the write xD.
And is also my way to thank you for supporting Monsterful by voting :3
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on May 27, 2010, 10:20:53 PM
Whoo Hoo Litt!
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 27, 2010, 10:30:08 PM
Woo Hoo Litt! Hey wait! That's me! :laughing11:

But seriously, no thanks is really needed, it's simply a few clicks and I have voted, personally I do enjoy your manga a lot, so I'd have voted irregardless of knowing you or not.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Monsterful on May 27, 2010, 10:36:08 PM
I'm actually drawing right now, I'll take a break from coloring my manga for a moment... xD

not gonna tell you what I'm drawing though, LOVE THE DESIGN!
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 27, 2010, 10:40:39 PM
I don't want to take away from your manga :'(

...kinda want to know though. :hmm:
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Monsterful on May 27, 2010, 10:45:40 PM
Oh dont worry! Varying helps keep the monotony and boredom away... Doing the same time everytime can get tedious... (though since it's something I really like I have gotten kinda used to it xD)
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 27, 2010, 10:49:14 PM
Ah, how I know that too well. When I have too much homework I do a few questions from one subject, switch to the other, repeat. Well I look forward to them then. :D
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Monsterful on May 27, 2010, 11:10:16 PM
Just finished one, let me take it to this pc upload it and post it.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Monsterful on May 27, 2010, 11:15:26 PM
Crud! saved it the wrong way... its freaking huge xD
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Monsterful on May 27, 2010, 11:19:12 PM
(http://www.monsterful.com//Avatars/Ruby03.png)And so here it is! Shi:

(http://img153.imageshack.us/img153/3363/littajshi.jpg)

She could use a lot more braids though... It would look better. :D, I actually wanted to draw her more Loli like... Got the happy spirit though I think xD
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 27, 2010, 11:33:47 PM
Whoa, this matches up so well with what I had in mind. Her happy spirit is her defining character and the pose and expression works perfectly. I'm gonna have to save this. :D Thanks a lot Monsterful.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Monsterful on May 27, 2010, 11:47:38 PM
Oh dont worry ^^ my pleasure, I'll do Athans later :3
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 27, 2010, 11:53:37 PM
I would jump for joy, but I'm sure I'd hit my head on the ceiling due to my current location being my bed...ah, what the hell? *Jump* ... :'(
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Fnnenn Enninn on May 28, 2010, 06:30:29 PM
Wow, really nice, lucky Litt, getting all the pros to draw for him  8)
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 28, 2010, 10:17:14 PM
I feel like some of [aero]'s...dunno what you call it, but I feel sorta similar to him. :confused:
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on May 28, 2010, 11:34:58 PM
Mojo, aura, luck, something?
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 29, 2010, 12:46:31 AM
It wasn't luck, people don't like a story due to luck. Can't be aura, don't know you in rl. Can't be mojo...just because it can't. I'll just call it good fortune for now.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Fnnenn Enninn on May 29, 2010, 01:20:03 AM
The byproduct of talent.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on May 29, 2010, 01:46:40 AM
Ooze?
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Fnnenn Enninn on May 29, 2010, 01:52:41 AM
Bottle it and sell it as an energy drink.
Talen'tooze!
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on May 29, 2010, 02:52:56 AM
Hahaha

also available in 6oz shots!
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Fnnenn Enninn on May 29, 2010, 04:26:19 PM
So concentrated, you'll feel like you actually amount to something! Really works!
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on May 30, 2010, 12:50:21 PM
Review for Chapter’s 1a-1b and 2

So I’ve been out of reviewing for a while, which I feel is a vital part of my writing, so now i'm back. I find it frankly fun, and it also lets me get more into a story. I’ve finally managed to go through what you have so far. You’re probably aware of all the earlier problems, so forgive the redundancy if there is any. I hope you find this helpful.

This’ll be my first review on my way across the mangaraider’s writer’s work’s, more to come to your works.

1a

I can say that the story lies on the ‘okay’ side of the field, so that is cleared up, now for the chapters.
The chapter read well, as always, and I tore through it surprisingly easy. The script from really helps bring the message across fast.  Athans is a strong character, I’m not sure about Shi, but she is okay and lovable. There is some amount of poetry and a clear history and story in this tale, so that’s all thumbs up. The conversation after the bar added a lot of content to the story, though it didn’t especially paint a beginning picture, it made us wonder who exactly this entity known as Athans is. Shi is obviously human, so why does she have powers? A flame breathing bandit beaten by a master of wind is an everyday occurrence? The answers to these questions bring a lot of content and fully confirm the fantasy setting.

This chapter unfortunately had the cliché feeling of the baddies raiding a bar and a cool cucumber hero saves the day. It also didn’t exactly introduce anything plot feeding apart from the character’s powers, so alone it doesn’t exactly accomplish the introduction to a story, though be aware that this is just my own opinion, as is the entire review.
The good news is that the other version of this first chapter covers all shortcomings of this one.

1b

On this chapter  I’ve noticed you’ve adopted a more descriptive mode with your script form. I’m just pointing it out. It works well, and you’re obviously comfortable with it. I enjoy it more as it can bring more emotion and poetry across. Also I bet it’ll do a lot for the action scenes.

There is a very noticeable shift in tone of story, if you compare the chapter versions. The story is obviously more adult and deep. It gives the story that much more credit and respect.
Athans and Shi have got the same characters. One mysterious, with a dark history and/or burden, the other a juxtaposed childish-adult personality and long companion of Athan. Athan is obviously more mature, and the violence came as a shocker, but it works with the story well.

I guess the first chapter is meant to be as it is, but I still feel that it doesn’t accomplish too much. Maybe it’s a prologue? That would work. I just don’t see it working as Chapter One. The amount covered sure introduces the world and setting, but its nothing plot vital. Again, my own opinion.


2

Pace picking. A kingdom, a mysterious man and a carefree girl who loves candy. Interesting. The necklaces. What’s this symbol? Why are Athans master of the wind and Shi a superhuman concerned with them, and what are they talking about? Interesting. The higher description helps the story more, and the use of the boy and the girl to make the plot move forward was useful. I imagine there are many ways to do this, and the thought process would be confusing. It worked well.
It ends with a true knocker, and I now feel excited about the story. The guesses might be obvious (presuming I’m right) but either way it’s interesting what these two apparently do.

This is purely a question: I’m wondering about the blanket thing, is it necessary? The travellers obviously have the bucks to waste on tonnes of candy. I know they might be the pilgrim type, but they sure don’t look it. If there is any way you could clear this question up in the script some other time, that would be useful.

Problems(?) I Found [Chapters 1a,1b and 2].
Typos and problems I find in the script. Some may just be questions, and others might be nothing at all. Just check them out.


1- The bandits are all wearing many layers of torn clothing, the leader of the bandits continuously throws a box of mathes*  up and catches it.
*MATCHES*

2- A waitress slowly walks over to the table, he* legs shaking, she holds a tray with many mugs of beer.
*HER*

3- The bandit slowly walks over to the waitress, just as he reaches her a person walks in through the cowboy styled   doors.
* Hip-high swinging door works. Just a comment, if you wanted a different phrase. But I see you used Wester-Styled. That works then…*

4- Bandit 3: Crap, Bandit Leader*  has been pissed off!
*Did you mean to make the bandits call their leader Bandit Leader? I find it odd, but anyway, since the chapter was rewritten just take note of what I’ve said.*

4- Inhaling over half of the cigar* the bandit leader takes the cigar  *out of his mouth with one hand.
*Use IT to reduce the words.*

5- Getting up, the bear * soaked bandit uses the wall…
*BEER*

6- A waitress stands next to the table with a tray held to her chest. Her outfit is a* apron  and a plain pink dress underneath.
*AN apron*

7- His top half on the other side of a wall, he seems to have been impaled through the side of a building.*
*The whole statement is ambiguous, especially because of Athan’s comment after Shi asked him what happened. You could fix this by writing what he was impaled with. Or did you mean his body spikes entered the building? Ambiguous, you see? *

8- Athans: Finally stop acting like a kid? *
*Add to the sentence to make more sense*

9- JUST A COMMENT: So then, version 2 of chapter 1, not so much like Avatar and I'm satisfied enough with it since the real story begins at chapter 2. *
*Avatar? Oh, the wind powers? You really shouldn’t worry about that. Every elemental power has been used somewhere sometime, even if not aware. Don’t care about such things unless you really want to worry… It might ruin your style.*

10- Shi: Cause its*  fun
*IT’S*

11- She runs up to them quickly with a blank * and throws it over the two to keep them warm.
*BLANKET*

12- JUST A COMMENT: As they sleep they dream, and what they dream does not bring unconscious smiles, the morning awaits *.
*Nice Ending for the paragraph. A good hook.*

sorry if its a bit long...
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 30, 2010, 04:58:49 PM
As always lego your reviews are helpful to the writers of MR. I've got to say though, you went pretty in depth with the reviews when all I thought when writing was, "Hey, this seems cool, I should use it."

For the first version of chapter one, the entire thing felt cliche and done a million times to me even when I was writing it, so I felt like trashing it anyways since following up with chapter two wouldn't have been easy.

For the second version I was still unsatisfied with it, but I just wanted to introduce it without having to go too far into detail.

I actually don't know why I had the blanket thrown on Athans and Shi, probably to show that Rin was a caring person. It also had to do with the fact that Athans and Shi were low on cash. A night in a hotel would be about 2 silver coins, they had copper ones...I think.

NOTE: I must clear this one up, Athans is a master of wind cause he gains powers from Shi, who is the goddess of wind. Athans is the human, he is no god, just check the descriptions of them.

On another note, most questions will be answered, a few with each chapter. If any questions are left unanswered, they may or may not be answered in the future, I write on the spot so forgive me if I miss anything.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Monsterful on May 30, 2010, 05:58:47 PM
Here's a quick sketch of Athans:

(http://img19.imageshack.us/img19/278/athanslitt.jpg)

hope you liek it xD
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on May 30, 2010, 06:10:57 PM
You're very much welcome.

And sorry for getting the characters mixed up, i'll read their sheets now...

And missing anything gives me something to do... right? Just don't over do it.

I'll be waiting for more...
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 30, 2010, 08:02:42 PM
@Monsterful: I like, I like very much. :D This makes my image of him so much more clear, thanks.

@Lego: No problem about the characters, but you always suspect the loli of questionable status. :laughing11: I'll try not to miss too much though.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 31, 2010, 12:02:00 AM
Alright, I wrote up some of chapter 3 at my restaurant today and the rest just now since I didn't want to study for a math test tomorrow. The chapter is just setting up for the next step in the story, action is going to follow in the next chapter...kinda. I'm gonna try and take things slow with this story, as in the development, still deciding on whether to add romance and a new heroine or just skipping that and sticking with my main idea :-\ Either way, here is chapter 3.




Chapter 3 – 5-10m/s
Opening up are stalls early in the morning, around them would be the lazily moving citizens of the kingdom. Full of energy the children run on the grass and climb on some tree playfully, the adults on the other side gather and talk about the latest gossip. Our own two main characters lay against the tree we now know so well, the tree not only
looming above the dwarf sized Shi but also above Athans. The leaves blow in the early morning wind and with the
rustling leaves Athans and Shi arise. Athans takes the blanket Rin had laid on them during the night and folds it up,
holding it in his left hand his right picking up his rod.

Athans: So morning finally came.

His eyes are half open as he stands up, his eyes adjusting to the morning light. Shi on the other hand jumps up in
excitement with a very carefree look, her eyes sparkling as much as the morning dew as she looks up at the rising sun
behind the castle.

Shi: Wai! Wai! It’s really pretty!

As he looks at the lively Shi during the early morning Athans places his hand on his face and sighs along with the
motion of shaking his head slowly.

Athans: Back to the childish act?

Completely ignoring him Shi turns to Athans with a large smile.
Shi: I want candy for breakfast.


Athans: When pigs begin to- Wait a second...you could probably manage that.
Pressing his palm to his forehead Athans thinks hard. Shi looks at the castle and notices the large entrance doors
opening.

Shi: Athans look over there.

Athans: When elephants can swi-

Turning his head to the castle Athans stops talking and observes the beings walking out of the doors.

Athans: He’s actually walking out into the open?

A grin again shows on her face, Shi shows her serious eyes.

Shi: He is either a fool or a brave one.

Athans: Maybe he’s a brave fool.

Walking out of the large bronze doors of the castle entrance nonchalantly is a small boy, about 14 years of age.
Following in his footsteps is a thin servant with his head hung low along with five soldiers, all holding spears with the
same design as the necklaces everyone in the kingdom wears to replace the normal heads.

Shi: A child?

Athans: Maybe.

Shi: The god is never very far, so do you think it’s that lowly servant?

Athans: He could be hiding in with the guards.

Shi: Could we just take them all out?

Athans: Could and should are very different.

A large voice is heard from the thin man, so loud that the people thought he would break.

Seba: People of the Kingdom of Ren! Listen!

Athans: I don’t see how we couldn’t.

Seba: The King has something to tell all of you!

The small boy steps forward, dressed in elegant clothing and wearing a crown crested with many jewels.

Len: My people!

The voice of the king is heard by everyone though the voice coming from the king’s mouth isn’t loud, everyone else is
simply silent.

Len: The time has come again! I had shed tears when the thought had come to me, but now I stand in front of you
with my eyes full of devotion! I will not let my kingdom fall, and so we must have a sacrifice!

Of the people from the kingdom not a single one does not shout and cheer for the king.

Athans: ...Shi.

Shi: Yes Athans?

Athans: I’m not...going to show any mercy this time.

Shi: I wouldn’t expect you to.

Athans: Don’t stop me.

Shi: Of course not.

Athans: Thank you.

Both of them turn around and walk through the crowd that had formed without their notice, or rather without their
care. On everyone else’s face is a smile, with a few exceptions.

Athans: A raging wind is going to pass through this town.

Shi: Scary, scary.

After a while of pushing their way through the crowd Athans and Shi squeeze out. On the perimeter of the large crowd Athans sees two familiar faces, he runs over to them.

Athans: Hey, you two! Rin! Ty!

Rin turns to Athans who runs towards her with Ty on her shoulders. Ty makes faces at the king though nobody pays
any attention to him. Rin the turns away from Athans and begins running, she is surprisingly fast.

Athans: Wait up!

Shi runs after Athans though she runs past him.

Shi: I’ll be going ahead.

Even with her superior speed to Athans, Shi doesn’t gain any distance on Rin. Rin runs at full speed, holding onto Ty’s
legs so he doesn’t fall.

Ty: Why are we running away?

Rin: We just have to.

All four of them run, until they reach a dead end, the high walls surrounding the kingdom block off Rin’s path. Shi and
Athans both catch up to her. Rin backs up into the wall as Athans and Shi take a few steps forward. She then puts Ty
on her back instead and she begins to scale the wall.

Athans: This isn’t funny.

Ty: Why are we still running away?

As she reaches about twenty feet up the wall Rin slows down a little.

Rin: That’s because…

Shi: I’d like to know as well.

Surprising Rin and Ty Shi floats next to them in the air. Rin is so surprised that she lets go of the wall and begins to fall,
Ty also loses his hold on Rin and they fall separately.

Rin: Aaaaahhhhh!

Both Ty and Rin fall to the ground at a constant speed, as they almost hit the ground Rin closes her eyes, nothing
happens.

Ty: This is fun! I’m flying!

Rin opens her eyes.

Rin: Eh?

She looks down at the ground, now only a few feet under her, she floats above the ground.

Rin: E-EH!?


While holding out his staff to Rin, Athans smiles at the both of them.

Athans: Now let’s get to talking, shall we?


Without any control Rin and Ty return to their feet on the ground without any irregularities. Rin pats herself down to check if anything is out of place, Ty jumps up and down.

Ty: Again! Again!

Athans: Maybe another time.

Rin: What…was that?

Rin stares at Athans with a curious yet stern expression, Athans stares back with a smile while his eyes show sadness.

Athans: A promise.

Rin: Wha-

Athans: But that doesn’t matter, what does matter if how this kingdom is going to run…without their king.

Rin: EH!? What are you saying!?
Landing softly onto the ground, Shi stands next to Athans. A look of mischief is plastered on her face.

Shi: We’re going to take down the king of course.

Without anyone’s notice Ty’s expression switches from childish to serious, though it couldn’t compare to Shi’s switch.

Ty: I want to help.

Turning her head to Ty with a shocked look Rin covers her mouth.

Rin: You too Ty!?

Athans smiles at Ty and pats him on the head.

Athans: No need to help, we’ve got this under control.

Shi: It’s going to be a breeze.

Athans: And after that things will blow over quickly.

Shi: I hope nobody catches wind of it beforehand though.

Athans: Stop spouting hot air, there’s no way.
Showing an unamused look on her face Rin looks at both Athans and Shi who are facing one another. Her expression
makes it look like Athans and Shi are a bad double act.

Rin: …what’s with all of the wind puns?

At that moment Shi and Athans turn to Rin with grins on their faces.

Athans & Shi: We’re going to be turning this town upside down.



Notes: A double act is also called a manzai, you should be familiar if you read manga since it is the tsukkomi/straightman and a funny man/boke. Remember any scenes with a paper fan being used to hit someone? That's usually reference to manzai, any hit to the funny man works though.

The chapter title is just a speed of wind considered to be slow, to represent the slow pace of the chapter.

PS: Do not blame me for any false facts, I get my info from google and wiki. Anyhow, if you want me to edit some stuff cause of false information than just say so, that's all there is to it.

PSS: On a side note, my favorite manzai is Hamada and Matsumoto, on Gaki no Tsukai. the act is called Downtown and I always find it hilarious. :laughing11:
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on May 31, 2010, 03:50:56 AM
Good slow chapter, definitly plot revealing though it mght be q bit short


Atleast it seemed shorter then the last one, but I don't do panelng so I dunno how it would eventually end up
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 31, 2010, 05:44:55 AM
Yeah, the chapter is about 200 words shorter than my usual, but I didn't want to drag it out. The next one will be longer, probably.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on May 31, 2010, 01:34:41 PM
Allright that sounds good then

I try to keep my chapters about the same length too, hopefully they end up around 20 page chapters but it's hard to tell at this stage
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on May 31, 2010, 08:40:22 PM
I kind of hope only 15 or so pages per chapter whenever I write, any more and I feel like it'd be a hassle for the artist if I were to ever find one. I never stop writing when I begin though, they probably translate to 18+ pages when drawn, I hope not though.

Now about chapter three, I think I might go over it and just change a few things here and there. The last run of wind puns was on a whim since when I'm bored I write random stuff and delete it when I get serious again. I'll probably repost it out of convenience, editing it in doesn't allow people who've read it to see the change too well.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: sarru on June 04, 2010, 10:51:32 AM
Very well done Litt, great job … a lot of emotions are shown, face expressions are satisfying, I certainly enjoyed reading it, sadly with my exams coming up soon I had to scan through it quickly and I may have confused myself, but I loved it, the story is getting more interesting now. Really liked the part where Ethan says “Could and should are very different.” It had a powerful effect to it.
a couple of things confused me, when Shi and Ethan caught up with Rin and Ty, and after saving them from falling, Athan and Shi start to talk about what they plan to do, without finding out why Rin was running in the first place.. . Was she just scared? Or is there another purpose for this? And also, they seem to trust Rin already? This is questionable, because she’s still a stranger to both of them, but yet again you did point out she is kind and caring in the previews chapter.
This is a typo I picked up while reading
“Rin the* turns away from Athans and begins running, she is surprisingly fast.”… (THEN)

anyways, Nicely done
 8)
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on June 04, 2010, 02:32:33 PM
Thanks for reading the story Sarru. The first thing I want to say though is that Athans and Shi were chasing after Rin because she was running, and they trust her because Athans and Shi are experienced, they just know who to trust and not to by instinct. The reason Rin ran away will more or less be explained in the next chapter when I get around to it.

Note To Self: Gotta start reading chapters through to fix errors.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: sarru on June 10, 2010, 07:24:03 PM
ahh I should've guessed that,  :D thnx
sorry for the late reply
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on June 19, 2010, 10:26:19 PM
This is a totally rewritten version of chapter 1 of Arcane Judgement, I may have to end up rewriting chapter 2 and 3 as well, so...umm...I guess I'll do that at a later date, but as of now this is my submission for the MRWA (Manga Raiders Writers Anthology).

ARCANE JUDGEMENT

Chapter 1 – Good Guy

Walking through a calm street where the side stalls hold fruit freshly picked, the houses made of wooden boards expand from the sun’s rays, and quiet discussions take place under the shade of makeshift roofs made of sheets held up by four wooden poles in the ground.

Sweating under the sun is a green-haired green-eyed little girl. Her clothing is quite questionable, a long sleeve shirt, shorts, and cloth shoes make up her outfit. Her shirt’s sleeves are longer than usual as they reach slightly past her
hands, the width of the opening on the sleeves as big as an ox’s head, her shorts and shirt both hold a design of
many curves and swirls that seem to portray a blowing wind, and her shoes are simply plain cloth which look
uncomfortable on the dirt roads. Her hair is as green as the healthiest grass and tied in braids with white bandage
with the braids reaching down to her back.

Shi: It’s hot!

She fans herself with her oversized sleeves.

Athans: Stop complaining, you can deal with it.

An older figure, about 19 years of age, stands next to the little green-haired girl. His outfit is more appropriate, though
still slightly stands out in the town. Covering most of his body is a cloak with a hood as it reaches down to his calves, a
white t-shirt is worn under the cloak. His pants are baggy and tuck into his boots which have straps on the side to
keep them on. His hair is brown along with his eyes, his hair is tied into a ponytail with the same bandages as the girl. In his right hand is a staff fashioning a clear orb that sits comfortably on the top and in his left is a book which his face
is buried in.

Shi: I’m hungry! I want ice-cream!

The cloaked man closes his book with one hand and looks forward at a restaurant.

Athans: I guess we could get some food. We haven’t eaten in a while after all.

Shi: Wai!

The green girl shows a large smile and she jumps in glee.

Shi: I’m going to get a sundae!

Athans: Why don’t we wait until we see the menu first?

The two of them walk along the flat dirt road and turn into the restaurant, sitting down at the table furthest from the
windows to have a chance to cool down. The cloaked one sets his staff down as the green girl rocks her chair from side
to side impatiently, a waitress walks over to them as they settle in.

Waitress: May I take your order?

Athans: Yes, I’ll have the leaf salad.

Shi: I want a sundae!

The girl raises her hand up as if she was answering a question in class.

Waitress: That’s an odd request but I’ll see what I can do.

The waitress smiles and walks into the kitchen where chopping noises and clanging of pots and pans are heard.

Athans: Sigh. Couldn’t you have ordered something more likely to be here?

Shi: I want ice-cream!

With her small mouth the girl pouts at him.

Athans: …I truly find your behaviour disturbing at times.

Shi: I don’t know what you’re talking abou~t.

She stretches out the word to pull off a cuter accent.

Waitress: Order up.

The waitress from before walks out of the kitchen doors backwards with both of her hands occupied, one by a leaf
salad and the other by an oversized sundae. She makes her way to their table.

Waitress: Here you go, one leaf salad and one sundae, on the house.

Athans: On the house?

Waitress: Yep, that’s what the cook said.

Shi: Isn’t that great? We don’t have to pay.

Athans: It would be…but first off, why?

Waitress: It just happened to be your unlucky day.

Athans: Unlucky?

His eyebrows rise as he looks at the waitress as if she were mad.

Athans: Wouldn’t having a free meal be considered the opposite?

Waitress: Not if that’s all you can afford.

The waitress smiles at him and points at the rip in his cloak.

Waitress: There are pickpockets in this town, you had better keep your eyes open at all times.

Resting his face in his palm and hi elbow on the table he groans.

Athans: This isn’t starting out to be a good day.

Already finished her extra large sundae the girl wipes her mouth with her sleeve and jumps out of her chair.

Shi: It’s a great day! I got free ice-cream!

Smiling again the waitress looks over at the girl.

Waitress: You sure look on the bright side of things.

Athans: That’s because she’s too short to see the dark side.

Shi: I am not short!

As if to prove a point he stands up and looms over the girl yet he turns to the waitress. He picks up his staff as he
stands.

Athans: Thank you for the meal, we will be taking our leave now.

He turns around and walks out of the restaurant, he puts his hood up as he leaves.

Shi: Hey! Wait up!

The girl chases after him.

Not changing her expression the waitress smiles and waves as they leave, she turns to clean the table and notices the
boy’s meal untouched.

Waitress: He didn’t even try the salad.

The two walk out into the street with newfound energy, the girl’s most likely a sugar rush, the boy’s a rush of rage.

Shi: Why didn’t you eat your food?

Athans: I wasn’t in the mood to eat.

Shi: I’m always in the mood to eat~.

Athans: If only you knew the troubles of real women.

Shi: I’m real!

Athans: You’re a bunch of hot air.

Shi: And you’re a big meanie!

Athans: Sigh. At least insult me like an adult.

Raising his head he takes a few sniffs of the air, as they continue to walk he repeats this.

Shi: What are you doing?

Athans: I’m tracking my money.

Shi: Tracking it? Are you a dog?

Athans: In case of situations like this I put a scent on my coin pouch so I could always find it.

Shi: What does it smell li- Ugh!

Pinching her nose she shows a disgusted face.

Shi: What stinks?

Athans: Like my money.

Dashing forward, hid hood hiding his face, he turns into an alley leaving the girl behind.

Shi: Ah, hey!

She runs after him.

Hiding out at the end of the alley way, which is a dead end, are three young boys all wearing worn out clothing.

Josh: How much did you guys get?

Jumbo: Twenty coppers.

Josh: Nice, and how about you Larry?

Larry: One copper…

Josh: What? Didn’t I see you take that weird cloaked guy’s money?

Jumbo: What kind of poor sucker only carries one copper?

Finally reaching the end of the alleys a figure appears in front of the three boys.

Athans: I guess that would be this kind of sucker.

He points to himself with his thumb.

Jumbo: He found us!?

Josh: How did you manage that?

As if the leader of the group he steps forward.

Athans: It seems like you punks are too used to horrible stenches, but that coin pouch you have there is marked with
the smell of rotten onions!

Larry: What?

He takes a whiff of the pouch and almost vomits on the spot.

Athans: Okay maybe not all that used to it.

Jumbo: And what’re you gonna do now that you’re here?

A large figure, much larger than the cloaked man despite his age, puffs his chest and tries to intimidate him.

Athans: My, my. Here I am, starving from not having a single copper to buy food and yet you seem so full.

He points his staff at the three boys and with a short passing moment they begin to float in the air, they turn upside
down at a certain point and coins begin to fall from their pockets.

Athans: I’m sure you wouldn’t mind lending me some money for a meal.

He walks over and begins picks up the coins, he gets to his own and takes out the single copper, taking a smell of the
pouch he throws it away and replaces it with another that the boys had stolen.

Athans: Well then, thanks. I’ll be off now.

Turning his back he starts to walk out of the wall, his staff is seen to flick downwards as he leaves and the boys fall on
their stomachs.

Josh, Jumbo, and Larry: Oof!

Josh begins to push himself up with his arms, with one he pulls out a rusted knife but though rusted its’ edge could still
cut through skin. As he was about to throw it a little girl drops from the sky and lands on him, he falls unconscious and
loses the grip on his knife.

Shi: I told you to wait didn’t I!?

Athans: Hmm? Did you say that? I wasn’t listening.

The girl runs over to him and attacks him with her weak arms, doing zero damage.

Athans: Stop it now will you?

He shows a grin as he raises his new coin pouch and shakes it to show his newfound riches.

Athans: I’ll treat you to some candy as an apology.

Shi: Wai~!

Turning over onto his back the boy who had stolen only one copper looks to the cloaked man and the girl.

Larry: Who was that guy?

Jumbo: I don’t know but he did something weird.

Larry: He stole our money.

Jumbo: Yeah, but we stole that money off other people.

Larry: So who exactly is the bad guy here?

The two of the travellers exit the alley into the main street of the town.

Shi: Are you going to return all of that money to the rightful owners?

Athans: Nope.

Shi: Can I have a pound of candy?

Athans: Sure.

His stomach grumbles.

Shi: Are you hungry?

Athans: Yes.

Shi: Then let’s go eat.

Walking into the same restaurant again they two sit down in the corner table and settle in, the same waitress walks to
the table.

Waitress: May I take your- Oh, it’s you two. You know that free meal was a onetime thing.

Athans: We know.

He puts the pouch of coins on the table.

The waitress shows a surprised expression but she changes back to her default smile to the customers.

Waitress: Then what would you like?

Athans: The usual.

Shi: I want a cake!

The waitress tilts her head as her smile widens slightly.

Waitress: Coming right up.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: matsurinoaoi on June 19, 2010, 11:01:23 PM
I can imagine Athans reading his book; it's quite cool-looking. llD
I was so sure that the waitress was going to throw a machete or something at them when she said "It just happened to be your unlucky day" XD
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on June 19, 2010, 11:16:05 PM
O.o I did not think of the turn of events where the waitress turned into a killer, that would intensely mess with my head cause I had a totally innocent looking waitress who lived in a simple town, she was also wearing a pink maid outfit...probably because I watched Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya though.

Thanks for reading it, and Athans being cool was my aim. 8)
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: matsurinoaoi on June 19, 2010, 11:18:55 PM
Hey, you went out of your way to look at my story, simply returned the favor  :D
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on June 20, 2010, 02:32:34 AM
very nice Litt!

the waitress seemed a bit off untill i realized Athans had been robbed O_o

anyways, its very well written and i enjoyed reading it ^_^
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: sarru on June 20, 2010, 08:38:19 AM
Litt this is CRAP!!
joking ....I am just tired of saying how damn good u are, and you just keep getting better ;)
I love how you set up a very clear image at the start ..very nice indeed
nice work.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on June 20, 2010, 12:05:23 PM
@[aero]: I need to start reading the dictionary and thesaurus, it's always difficult for me to create the characters' tones. Watching Frasier may also help.

@Sarru: Thanks Sarru, I was surprised when I read the first line though :o I'm trying to be more descriptive now though, since these stories are only text I need to start trying to create more vivid images.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Krakistophales on July 09, 2010, 04:14:53 PM
The basis and idea is very compelling, but if you're going to have several deities as guardians for several towns/countries/etc., I would really sit down and pick a number. Any number, just the lower, the better.

This number is going to be the total number of deities in this world. Then, I would also choose a total number of countries/towns/etc. for all these deities to guard, and then divide them as you see fit.

I'd also recommend choosing a principle pantheon of deities, like the biggest, baddest, mother****ing gods/goddesses that nobody wants to **** with. Give them names, decide the extend of their powers/influence/etc, decide what they guard and then work your way down to little **** deities that only one town would care about.

Obviously, the chief pantheon deities are ones that would look after the world in general, so there can't be too many of them. Then, the second tier of deities would look after huge countries/empires/etc, and would have powers closely rivaling the major ones. Then, you have a third tier of deities that are just run of the mill gods/goddesses that are more like familiars/charms than anything else, but some can be stronger than others.

Then, of course, you can decide on generals/kings/whatever for each country that are blessed by the second tier deities, or even the major ones, and then have other interesting characters/villains that get blessings from the smaller ones or the second tier ones. Your main character, in an interesting twist, can be blessed by a world class deity, but think he's only blessed with a smaller one because his powers need to emerge over time. You can even weave a great destiny thread into all this, but I would decide on a direction of this story.

Do you want your character to usher in an age of peace and prosperity for a specific country? The whole world?

Do you want him to reform the whole system, perhaps working with an unfavorable god/goddess who wishes to spread the blessings of the gods to all beings, not just a select few?

I would decide on what the purpose of this story is and streamline the deity blessing agenda before writing out the plot, because without organizing the whole thing and making some major original twists, this can quickly turn into a run-of-the-mill fantasy story, which you don't want.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 09, 2010, 04:20:51 PM
...whoa? I'm usually not used to large posts in any topics I participate in, but all the more fun to read.

Well I'm kind of rethinking the idea everyday and always replan, rewrite, etc. so I don't think up what's the come next until I finally decide on a single idea, thanks for the advice though, it gave me quite a few ideas for the story itself, and I figured I'd write a regular fantasy, start with simplicity and work my way up until I get used to writing a bit more.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 13, 2010, 03:43:54 AM
Sigh. Finally finished chapter two for my new revised version. I'm completely changing the story though, keeping chapter one, but chapter two takes an entirely different angle on Athans and his journey. I decided that battle isn't a good way to go with this story, there are too many ways it could go so I decided on a deeper one thanks to reading Hibiki's Magic, it reminded me that when I began writing I didn't simply want an exciting story, but one with more depth than the norm. Anywho, finally finished chapter two, things to note though:

-changed to novel format cause I think it's simply a better way to write a story.
-the entire story's mood will change from here on out and so will the things that occur in it, little battle is expected.
-the characters themselves seem different and they will be built upon later.
-less about gods and more about beings with powers that influence the humans they encounter.

Without further ado and boring talk, here's the story.



Arcane Judgement
Chapter 2 – Lucky
   With the setting sun and the dying sound of a busy town our two main characters reach a new destination, worn out and hungry they trudge into town looking for food and shelter. The sands of this land glow a golden brown, the sun hits any who enter this area with a wave of heat.

   “Athans, give me water.” Her voice dry and cracked, Shi drags her feet as she walks into town.

   “You don’t need it.” Athans with his hood up walks in a refined matter, ignoring the heat, though the sweat drops appearing on his face do not lie.

   “Hah, newcomers, is it? What’s wrong? Can’t take the heat?” A voice is heard from the side, Athans and Shi turn
to it to discover it is a middle aged man with a large hat on to block the sun and a large jug of water in his hands.

   “Do all the old men here dress like that or is it just you, beard?” Shi looks at the man with eyes of disgust, the
little girl happens to greatly dislike old people.

   “Lively one, aren’t you?” The bearded man drinks from his large jug and wipes his mouth, “The youth today has to
be spirited!”

   “Can we move onto the next town Athans?” Shi asks as she shoots a glare at the bearded man who simply
smiles back, only disgusting her more.

   Without a reply Athans walks forward with a constant pace. He continues this while ignoring all of Shi’s complaints
until he reaches a large oasis in the middle of the town.

   Her jaw dropping and her eyes opening wide, Shi stands in awe as she stares at the large body of cool water in
the middle of this desert. “Yay! Water!” Jumping in without a second thought Shi flies high with her jump and dives in,
splashing a large amount of water on the surrounding sand which dries instantly.

   “Hey! Shi, don’t just jump in like that!” Athans looks at Shi with a worried look.

   “It’s cool in here! Loosen up and take a dip Athans!” With a smile on her face Shi does a backstroke.

   Walking up to Athans from behind is an old woman, wrinkles cover her body as she stands in a bikini, “Do not
worry youngin’, we have an abundant amount of water here, it’s what keeps my skin so smooth.” With little other to
say the old woman does a front flip as she dives in.

   Athans, who is trying hard to keep down a lunch he didn’t eat from seeing an old short lady in a bikini covers his
mouth, though his gaze is fixed on the oasis in general, the water sparkling and cool.

   “Nice dive grandma!” Shi gives the old lady a thumbs up.

   ‘It’s not the amount of water I’m worried about, it’s the water itself...’ Athans stares long and hard at the water until he decides to turn away and leave Shi to her own enjoyment.

   Shi pays no notice to Athans as she dives down deeper, twisting and turning in the water and enjoying the
refreshing cool flow of water all over her recently burning body. She dives deeper with a grin but she notices the
bottom of the oasis and then shows an interested look.



   Walking in the streets of town Athans notices smiling people, though these smiles are impossible to understand,
these people complement each other on features they do not have, boast of talents they do not possess, Athans looks
at each and every person with eyes of pity and worry. ’Just how long...how long have they been like this?’ Deciding to take a turn in the alleyway to catch some well needed shade Athans sits between two broken down wooden buildings.

   “Why are you here?” A voice from deeper in the alley speaks to Athans.

   “No reason, just an adventurer, if that’s what you’d call me.” Athans doesn’t bother to turn around to the voice,
he chooses to stare out of the alley at the suffering people who do not know of their own pains. “What about you?
Why are you here?” He shoots the question back like a bullet, hoping to pierce the person’s heart with it.

   “Because I am wanted here.”  The voice answers back with no change in their voice.

   “Is that so? What if I said you’re only hurting these people?” Athans does not relent in his attack on this
mysterious voice.

   “I know I am, but they still want me here.” Again, the voice answers with no faltering in their voice.

   “And yet you choose to be here? Do you enjoy hurting people?”

   “No.”

   “Then did these people beg to suffer?”

   “No.”

   “Then how are you needed?”

   “To make these people happy.” With just that sentence Athans stands up and turns to the speaker. The speaker
being a blue-haired beauty, as tall as Athans if not taller by a few centimetres, her eyes are sapphires and her clothing
is thing and flowing like a calm sea, any normal man would be captivated by her beauty.

   “But their happiness is false.” His eyes, with their colour as red as the wildest fire or freshly bloomed rose, stare
straight into the beauty’s sapphire eyes.

   “That doesn’t make a difference to them, as long as they can smile.” Her gaze aimed right back at Athans she
shows no emotion.

   “Even if they smile, how long can you last like this?” Stepping closer, his staff in hand Athans wears a dangerous
expression, his eyes that of a starved beast.

   “They’re happy.” Standing her ground the beauty does not take a single step back without any fear shown on her
face.

   “Do you think this is a gift?”

   “Yes, the only one I can give at least.”

   “...if that’s how you see it then I can no longer allow you to exist.” Athans shoots his arm back, “Shi!”

   Standing behind Athans dry and hot is Shi, she grins as she jumps over Athans and towards the beauty.

   The beauty finally shows emotion, fear as she tries to run.

   “Oh no.” Making a circular motion with her hand a circle of wind traps the beauty as Shi drops down on her. The
beauty shows a face of complete fear as she then lets a tear escape from the corner of her eye.

   Athans walks out of the alley, at the moment he steps out of the shade all of the people collapse. The oasis
disappears, the vegetation, the water in the bearded man’s jug turns to sand, and Athans closes his eyes with a
pained look.

   Shi steps out of the alleyway with a smile on her face, “So she actually thought she was doing good by fooling
these people?”

   “Maybe, but perhaps she was actually just giving it her all and trying to help.” As Athans finishes his sentence a
light breeze blows by and in front of them an odd scene is seen.

   Walking in the intense heat of the desert is a group of people, all wearing baggy clothing which covers their entire
bodies and large hats to shade themselves from the sun. A man resembling the bearded man leads the group as they
stumble upon a broken down town, waiting there is the beauty, she stands at the entrance yet not one of the people
in the group notices her as they pass.

   The bearded man without his beard speaks, “Is there anybody here!?” Her voice is dry and he coughs severely
after shouting.

   A woman in the group walks to him and puts her arm around him to support him, though her lips are chapped and
her eyes bloodshot she lends her aid to him. “Aaa-“ Trying to speak her voice doesn’t come out, her throat so dry that
even words cannot escape.

   The beardless beard grits his teeth after seeing the woman’s lost voice and shouts again, “Anyone!?” He
continues to shout, so much that his begins to cough blood.

   The group then continues to walk through the town until they reach the center, and to their surprise an oasis
stands before them. All of them then begin to cry any tears they can spare and then run to the oasis, diving in, drinking
it, smile appear on their faces.

   A man shouts, “We’re saved!”

   Another man shouts, “Water! It’s water!”

   The beardless beard looks at the water with a sad look, then he looks out at the horizon which is an endless land
of sand. He then turns back to the water and takes a deep breath and shouts again, even though his throat is torn
and bloody, “How lucky we are! We can finally settle down again after so long!” A smile on his face is shown, though to
anyone who is smarter or at least not blinded by the beauty of the water notice that it is forced.

   The woman who aided him before looks at him with a sorrowful look, the man looks back with the same look.

   From behind the entire group though the beauty with blue hair shows a surprised expression, she begins to cry
and then she smiles, the town continues to swim and drink the oasis until nightfall. To Athans’ and Shi’s eyes though,
they saw the people fall one by one, their breath stopping, and even though their bodies in the desert they turn cold.

   The beauty continues to smile though, and with every fallen person another appeared in the streets of the town
to replace them, and until the last man fell the beauty continued to smile, the scene stops as the wind picks up and
blows sand over the fallen corpses, giving them a burial.

   Athans stares at the space where the small short was scene even after it ended, “So she was simply happy that
the people smiled from her actions.”

   “How sad, she was fooling herself this entire time.” Shi loses her childish tone with this and looks at the fallen
bodies in the town, slowly fading and completely disappearing, one by one. “How long do you think this went on?”

   “It could have been years, decades even, this is a desert after all.” Athans looks up at the scorching sun and
takes out a container, he shakes it revealing the contents, water, only a small amount, but still better than nothing in
the desert.

   “What are you doing Athans?” Shi looks at Athans curiously.

   Athans walks to the middle of the town which looked like a oasis earlier, but now it looked like a dug up cemetery,
bones were poking up from the sand from a small pit in the ground. Athans reaches a spot near the pit, where the
beardless beard stood in the images they saw before. He lays his staff by his side and begins to dig.

   “Really, what are you...” Shi followed Athans and only becomes more and more confused by his actions.

   “Here it is.” Athans, kneeling next to a hole a few feet deep holds up a worn hat, the same the beardless beard
wore. He turns it upside down and takes his container out again, he unscrews the top and turns it on its side.

   “H-hey! What do you think you’re-“ Shi tries to stop Athans but the last drop of water falls into the hat before she
reaches him.

   “Sorry I don’t have more, but I thought I’d give you your well deserved drink.” Athans stands back up and looks
out at the same horizon as the old man, “So you thought the same thing as that blue beauty, if you were going to
choose between a happy illusion and a cruel reality, you would choose the illusion?”

   “...” Shi looks at Athans’ back as he simply stares into the endless land before him.

   “Let’s get going then.” Taking a few small steps forward Athans begins to walk towards that endless horizon of
sand.

   “Athans...” Shi calls to him in a quiet voice.

   “Yes Shi?” He turns back to Shi.

   “Do you think that seeing that fake oasis was a gift or a curse?”

   Athans stops walking and puts his hand to his chin and thinks, “Hmm...a curse or a gift?” He looks back at the
small pit and the overturned hat, “Let’s just say they were lucky, lucky enough to smile on their last day.”

   “That isn’t really an answer.”

   “Well some things you just have to take for what they are.”

   “Eh? That’s too hard to understand.”

   “I figured you’d say that, just forget it.”

   “But I can’t!”

   “Then you’re an idiot.”

   “I am not!”

   “Yes you are.” Athans continues to walk again into the horizon, the sun now beginning to set.

   “I’m not an idiot!” Shi chases after Athans.

   ‘Yeah you are...but that makes me an idiot too.’ Athans puts up his hood and looks forward without stopping this time.



Gotta start writing more form now on, it's summer, and [aero] seems to be the only one doing anything anymore, well him and Doodler, but in the writing department [aero] has completely taken over and I refuse to lose!
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on July 13, 2010, 12:32:56 PM
Hello Litt!

*takes latest post to review machine*

Review coming up! Novel format... Me likey very much!
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on July 13, 2010, 01:34:16 PM
I have a good feeling inside, and it’s from reading some manga-rich literature, filled with that oh so elusive emotion and description. This is out of the blue, I had no idea you had such depth. This style is you’re style, definitely. I enjoyed this more than I did the first time. Now the characters of the (dammit I keep doing this!) characters are in my mind. There is more mystery going on, and the story is now clearly serious. I would like to see how the first chapter would look after a revamping such as this one.

 Athens has grown up to a more mature character, and it’s very interesting the way the situation in the desert wasn’t so light hearted. It’s actually quite tragic, shocking. (Just thinking of how much sand those people ‘drank’…) I was sickened by that diety’s actions. Such vanity and selfishness. 
The emotion in the scenes easily reminds me of an anime format, and I read this twice, just to be sure to get it good in my head. Excellent hook with the way you hid what Shi did to the mirage goddess.  Also poetic that a  mirage diety exists in the desert.
However, you did make some mistakes you should’ve looked over. Problem with this style is the mistakes are that much harder to spot. But I say its completely worth it, so long as there’s the dedication and heart for the story.

So here are you’re typos/’grammos’ I spotted:

1. “I know I am, but they still want me here.” Again, the voice answers with no faltering in their voice. 
(with no faltering in ITS voice.)
 However consider revising it to use ‘voice’ less. JUST consider, don’t change if it’s the way you want it.

2. All of them then begin to cry any tears they can spare and then run to the oasis, diving in, drinking
it, smile appear on their faces.
(SMILES appear on their faces)

3.   From behind the entire group though the beauty with blue hair shows a surprised expression, she begins to cry and then she smiles.  (This got me twisted. You need to space out the descriptions more so that it can make more sense.)

4. ‘Yeah you are...but that makes me an idiot too.’ Athans puts up his hood and looks forward without stopping this time.
(WALKS forward without stopping this time.)

This is definitely your style, keep it going.

Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 13, 2010, 11:25:58 PM
Thanks for doing this Lego, it helps a lot with someone commenting on my story, when I lack comments I believe it simply isn't good enough and so i drop it and move on to the next idea I have.

For the revamping of chapter 1, that'll have to wait, I want to try to keep in the mood of the story, and if I go back now I think I'd want to change the story again. that's how unconfident I am in my stories after reading it twice. :tongue:

Yeah, I happen to make mistakes, more so when it's 5am and I feel like collapsing but also like running a marathon. I made some large mistakes though, should probably pay attention to the words more, even if my mind drifts off easily when lacking rest.

After I finally catch up with MR, meaning reading the lastest chapter of Chimera and finally getting around to yours. Man I've been lazy, large amounts of words tend to tire me, even if they're my own. :tongue: Off to read! If I don't sleep tonight then I may finish.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on July 14, 2010, 03:28:15 AM
Thanks for doing this Lego, it helps a lot with someone commenting on my story, when I lack comments I believe it simply isn't good enough and so i drop it and move on to the next idea I have.


You're welcome.:)

You should be careful about the few comments thing though. I won't lie, it may be that its not good, but i found that sometimes its just people's preferences. And happenstance. You'll find it tiring to completely write a story according to people's likes. Also downright impossible to satisfy everyone.

Just do you're best, and if you really want to be a writer who 'refuses to lose' XD Then burst with confidence already! The story is in you're hands, work with it! Fight the good fight!

*heroic music playing* XD

But seriously, keep with it.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 14, 2010, 04:39:28 PM
Will do, I'll create a story everyone wants to read.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on July 14, 2010, 06:33:19 PM
That's the spirit!

Nyway, talking about formats and such, what is Arcane Judgement going to be like in terms of size n scope?
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 14, 2010, 06:36:39 PM
Now that's a question I have to ask myself. I don't plan too far ahead, Arcane will last as long as I can think of the next chapter I guess. No point in ending a story you enjoy writing if nothing is there to stop it. Realistically I'd think around 20 chapters and ending it cause I feel like writing more than that would be like dragging it on, it could be more or less depending on where the story goes, but for now I'd like to limit things I write to 20 chapters maximum unless I actually do something with it.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on July 14, 2010, 06:42:48 PM
Hmmm, i was wondering, have you got a world map for Arcane Judgement? Just trying to track where Athans and Shi are...

*shudders as he remembers the sight of people swallowing sand* man that was some experience.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 14, 2010, 06:47:33 PM
No, no map. Even though I took geography, I hate making maps or whatever. I simply create a fictional world where any land is possible, mapping it would be...bothersome. :tongue: I think it'd be a good idea, but 'm lazy~.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on July 14, 2010, 06:51:54 PM
Hahaha. Same here. No map at all. An idea, but no map. I sorta like keeping up close n personal with my characters... or at least i try to. Because most of my plots end up becoming apocalypses...

maybe art should be left to artists... in some cases. (i.e map. Implying: get someone to make a map for you)

Okay, but seriously. You had better work on the next chapter. I'm still wondering what the heck Shi actually 'did' to the diety...
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 14, 2010, 06:56:22 PM
Apocalypses have always been a no for me, I'm not good with handling what the mentality of most people would be in that situation and how to actually make a story out of it.

I could probably make a map, but it'd look like something that'd be on the back of a family restaurant menu and it'd still take me more than a week. :laughing11:

That...maybe a little difficult to fit into the story, so I'll try to put in something about it later on in the story, maybe 2-3 chapters from now, and I'm working on Arcane now, I have little planned and a lot of think up along the way.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on July 14, 2010, 06:59:53 PM
Well, you handled the mentality of the mesmerized people in the desert town.

2-3 chapters??! Nice. You know how 'the hook' works.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 14, 2010, 07:01:38 PM
Hook? I was just estimating how long it'd take me to get past the town of greenery and flourish for the next part of the story. I've never really looked at things in detail, handle things generally rather than specifically. :tongue:
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on July 14, 2010, 07:04:17 PM
Well, then its Instinct! Writer's Instinct! Either way, it sounds cool! No matter how modest you are! muhuhhahahaha.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 14, 2010, 07:06:31 PM
Instinct? I like that word. :naughty:
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 15, 2010, 07:29:10 PM
Onwards to words! Finished chapter 3 while waiting to go see my dad in the hospital, I told the man to quit that nicotine.
On a more happy note though I'm actually writing rather than just talking about it, it doesn't make up for the whole sick father thing, but best not to dwell on on unfortunate events.

Here it is: Chapter 3 - Gaios, The City Of Flourish



Arcane Judgement
Chapter 3 – Gaios, The City Of Flourish

   As the usual the two travellers reach another destination, this time there’s a bustling street with enough noise to
drown any rock concert down to a hum. The side street carts are nothing but vegetables and fruits. The entire city is green and vines run across the wooden houses, flows grow off the vines, making the city look even more elegant than the most well kept garden of the wealthiest person.

   Standing above the entire city is not a castle or palace, but a tree larger than any such building. The leaves are as green as the ripest melon and the bark is a thick as a reinforced steel door. A door twice the size of any house in the city stands at the bottom of the tree and a window two that is near the middle of the tree’s trunk, truly a fitting place for rule in the city of greenery and flourish, Gaios.

   Within the flood of the crowd are Athans and Shi, Shi taking a whiff of the scent of sweet fruits in the air and
Athans eying the entire city itself and examining the produce in the stalls from afar. Always one for detail, loving to look
at things in detail Athans is in a trance as he looks at the amazing green of the city.

   “I want some strawberries Athans.” Shi tugs on Athans’ cloak and looks up at him with innocent eyes.

   Not noticing Shi or her request Athans pushes his way through the crowd and to one of the stalls, Shi holds tight
onto his cloak and follows him, as to not get separated.

   Shi tugs on his cloak again, “Athans? Did you hear me?” She continuously tugs on his cloak.

   Picking up one of the fruits at the stall he looks at it, studying it, and by chance it happened to be a strawberry.

   “Fancy strawberries do you?” The man at the stall smiles at Athans as he hands a basket of apples and oranges
to another at his stall.

   Athans looks up at the man and holds up the strawberry in his hand between his index and middle finger, “I’d like
ten pounds of these strawberries.”

   “Yay!” Shi shouts from behind Athans, though he still doesn’t notice her.

   “Like sweets then, do you?” The man at the stall takes a small basket and fills it with strawberries, handing it to
Athans, “That’ll be 1 copper.”

   “Just one? Isn’t that a little too cheap?” Athans takes out a pouch from his cloak and turns it over, getting one
copper from the bag, he hands it to the man at the stall with one hand as he takes the strawberries with the other.

   “You must be a traveller. All of the produce here is cheap as we have such an abundance.” The man then turns to
the next person wishing to purchase something.

   “Hmm...” Turns away from the stall and off to the side of the street where the space is unoccupied Athans holds
the basket upwards into the sunlight, staring at them.

   “Hey!” Shi calls out to Athans.

   Possessed by the strawberries Athans pays no mind to Shi.

   “I said hey!” Shi jumps towards the strawberries, just out of her grasp. Even if she can fly, she has to hide it in
citys or cities.

   “Let’s go Shi, we need a place to stay.” He walks along the street with the strawberries held high while keep an
eye on them the entire time.

   “Stop teasing me and give me a strawberry!” Shi gets upset as they walk and continues to try and reach the
berries.



   Sitting at a desk with the strawberries and a large pile of paper courtesy of the inn he was staying at, he begins
to pick them part, and sometimes he squeezes them flat on the paper, seeing the effect. The paper simply dies a light
red.

   Turns upside down on the bed in the two bed room Shi hangs her head off the edge of the bed and looks at
Athans at work, “Hey, Athans, what are you doing with those strawberries?” Having given up on getting a strawberry
from Athans, Shi lays very lazily on the bed with little to do.

   “I’m just testing a few things.” Placing a strawberry between to sheets of paper he takes his fist and slams it on
the strawberry, squashing it.

   “How exactly is the strawberry supposed to pass this test?” Shi begins sliding off the bed.

   “I wouldn’t know, I don’t even know the question here.” He sighs and sets the strawberries to one side of the
desk, in the sunlight.

   “So did they fail?” Shi falls off of the bed and slowly floats over to Athans and looks at the strawberries glistening
in the light, “Those strawberries look even more delicious than before.” Shi begins to drool.

   Glancing over at the strawberries himself Athans sighs again, “Don’t be silly Shi, they were ripe when we bought
them so-“ Standing up so fast that he knocks over his chair onto Shi, he picks up the strawberries with wide eyes, “I
see!”

   “Oof!” The chair lands on Shi and she hits the floor, “What was that fo-“

   “Thanks a lot Shi!” He runs out of the door and slams it behind him.

   “What the- I don’t even-“ Shi pushes the chair off of her and stands up, brushes herself off and runs after Athans,
“I guess this is how he is though.”

   

   At the city cemetery, far from the actual city Athans stands in front of a gravestone. Shi finally catches up to him
and looks around the cemetery.

   “Why did you come here Athans?” She lands next to Athans as she was floating beforehand.

   “Shi, look at these gravestones.” As he directs Shi’s attention to the gravestones, his own is turned to the town a
few kilometres away from them, “The graveyards in this town are so far away as to not affect the crops of the town...”

   Noticing an oddity on the gravestones Shi turns back to Athans, “Athans! These people-“

   “I know Shi, even with the dead so far away, their crops are still are rotten as ever.” With a deep breath Athans
dashes off towards the town. Shi runs after him.

   “Wait up Athans, why are you running!?”

   Turning his head back as he runs forward he shoots a smile towards Shi, “Because we’ve got a lot of work to do,
let’s go!” He speeds up and makes the distance between him and Shi even greater.

   

   Reaching its highest point in the sky the moon replaces the sun and the stars begin the shine. Night has arrived
and Athans and Shi lay in their own beds, resting for the day to come. Restless in her own bed, Shi turns and tosses
and throws off her blanket. She sits up in her bed and looks out the window, at the sky.

   ‘...those graves...they died so young...’ Shi thinks to herself, ‘Athans said...’

   Earlier in the day, when they managed to return to the inn Athans shut the door and called out to Shi.

   “Shi.”

   Jumping on the bed and throwing the covers on herself she turns her head to Athans, “What is it Athans?” Her
usual smile not present, she looks at Athans with a sad expression.

   “Do you want to know why those people in the grave had such short lives?” Getting straight to the point, he
doesn’t hesitate in his speech, “There’s a scientific reason, even if science has little power in this world.”

   “I want to know, tell me Athans.” Shi sits up and straightens her posture, attentive to Athans.

   “Alright then, you may not understand completely, but I think you’ll get the jist of it.” Athans picks up a strawberry
in the small basket on the desk he had purchased earlier in the day. He holds up the strawberry so Shi can see it
clearly, the strawberry is large and juicy, it begs to be eaten, “These strawberries, the fruit, the vegetables, everything
the people in this town work so hard to grow.”

   “Huh? I don’t know what you mean Athans.” Sincerely confused Shi stares at the strawberry as if it would tell her
the answer itself.

   “All of these things Shi, that’s what killing them.” Athans crushes the strawberry in a first as his face shows a
pained expression, “And it’s already too late to stop it.”

   With a great invisible weight falling on Shi, she is unable to respond to Athans’ words.

   “These vegetables and fruits, they’re diseased, and so are the people.” Looking past Shi, his gaze towards the
giant tree in the center of town Athans grits his teeth.

   ‘It’s...too late?’ Without a second thought Shi Pulls her sheets over her head and lays in her bed, facing away
from Athans.

   Turning away from the window Athans walks over to his own bed and frowns, ‘Sleep well Shi, this time...this time
I won’t forgive them.’
He lays in his bed and closes his eyes and falls asleep.

   “Is there no way...?” Shi whispers to herself. She lays back down to get some rest for whatever Athans plans to
do next. Putting all of her trust on him, she falls asleep, forgetting her worries and her sorrows.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on July 16, 2010, 05:11:16 AM
Well, well, another mystery for the travelers to solve. At first I admit, I didn’t really understand why the tale didn’t have any apparent conflict, but then I realized that this is in fact a valid way to tell a story, and interesting one at that. Black Jack comes to mind when I read this story.
It seems nothing is what is in this world. I thought this city would have a monster or something... It seems once again they’re too late. Nice illustrative pictures and metaphors.
Can’t wait for the next chapter to see how this concludes.


However I spotted four things, and towards the end (graveyard) I almost got thrown off. But I read it again without so much haste and realized it was my own fault.


1.Always one for detail, loving to look at things in detail  Athans is in a trance as he looks at the amazing green of the city.

(Its Redundant. Reword it.)

2. Even if she can fly, she has to hide it in citys or cities. (towns or cities?? But it would be easier to say ‘in public’)

3.  Sitting at a desk with the strawberries and a large pile of paper courtesy of the inn he was staying at, he begins to pick them part, and sometimes he squeezes them flat on the paper, seeing the effect. The paper simply dies a light red.
Turns upside down on the bed in the two bed room Shi hangs her head off the edge of the bed and looks at Athans at work, 

(For one thing, the sentence seems to be missing a sentence before it. And looks at Athans at Work could be changed a little to make it more streamlined. Maybe studies Athans at work  ?)

4. Be careful with story tense. I think you used past tense in the other chapter and present tense in this one. I don’t have any problem with either, but it would be good to stick to one sort of tense.


So... when is the next chapter up? From what you say now theres 2-1 chapters remaining till i know what Shi does to the dietys...


---

P.S sorry about your dad
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 16, 2010, 12:52:20 PM
Blah, seems like I slipped up quite a bit on this chapter then. I actually had to google the word redundant though. :tongue:

1) Yeah, I was kind of rushing near the beginning cause during the first parts of my chapters I simply write whatever comes to mind and try to figure out what to do with the rest of the chapter, adding conflict or whatnot.

2) I probably missed that when repeatedly backspacing to correct errors, I'll fix it later. Public may work too.

3) I'll try adding a bit more to this and reword a few things, after I'm finished some other stuff.

4) I seriously have no idea what tenses I use or how to use them? Just kind of happened, I'll try paying attention to it and I'll stick to present.

The next chapter will be done on Saturday for me cause today I have to go get my cell from my dad and charge it for him, then return it at the hospital, then at 6 I play D&D with my friends, so tomorrow is the only chance I get with Sunday being my work day.

No need to be sorry though, his own fault for not taking care of himself and only complaining about it. The idiot thinks that if he makes his life sound worse with words that it'll get better in reality.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on July 16, 2010, 01:31:58 PM
... Okay, then. Saturday it is then.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on July 17, 2010, 02:12:22 PM
How is everything going here? Managed to whip up that chapter i'm waiting for?????

Comooooon. Tell me you've written it.

Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 17, 2010, 04:10:08 PM
Nah, just woke up and I'm hungry, probably gonna buy myself some chicken which will take an hour with my walking. Then I'm gonna come back, relax, then write.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on July 17, 2010, 04:15:22 PM
Sounds like a very relaxing plan.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 17, 2010, 04:26:16 PM
Strenuous plans are for manga and anime, in reality you gotta take things easy. Now off to ready for my trip to KFC.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on July 17, 2010, 04:32:28 PM
That's good doctrine right there XD
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 18, 2010, 11:38:10 PM
Late from the promised time, but I guess that's to be expected from me. Anywho, other than all the plot holes I left in the entire story, enjoy. I'd actually like to add so much to the story make chapter at the least 4000+ words, but I feel like that'd be pushing it.



Arcane Judgement
Chapter 4 – Yellow Petals
   “I’ll have some of those and perhaps five of those.” Athans points at the fruits at a stall on the side of the street,
this time the array of fruits make a colourful rainbow, Athans is handed a basket of assorted fruits, “Thank you.” He
hands the man at the stall a few copper coins and pushes his way through the crowd flooding the streets.

   Waiting on the edge of the street is Shi, she sits on a set of stairs sapped of energy, awaiting Athans to finish his
business. “Slow!” She proclaims loudly, though her voice is drowned out by the bustling of the people.

   “Who’s slow?” Escaping the mass of people moving on the street Athans holds the basket of assorted fruits high
to prevent any damage to them in the crowd.

   Her eyes open wide as she sees Athans, she quickly jumps up and pulls down on his arm, “What are you doing
with these!?” She tries to take the basket from Athans, most likely to destroy it and the contents.

   With a smile on his face he holds Shi down with his free hand, “Don’t worry, these aren’t for me.”

   “Then who are they for?” Calming down, Shi steps back from Athans.

   “You’ll see. Now let’s go.” Athans puts up his hood and begins to walk on the side of the road, out of the crowd.
Shi follows.



   “It’s even bigger close up.” Looking up at the giant tree Athans and Shi stand before the looming door above
them.

   “Why are we here Athans?” Shi shoots Athans a confused look.

   “We’re visiting someone.” Athans walks closer to the door and puts out a hand to knock on it, and betraying
expectations he then opens his palm quickly a thrusts it forward. A huge blast of wind bursts down the door and sends
it to the back of the tree’s trunk, which is quite far as it seems most of the tree’s innards had been carved out, “Knock
knock.” Athans says subtly.

   Shocked, Shi stands still and stares at the large doors laid flat across the floor. The doors seem to still be taller
than her in this position, Shi snaps back to her senses, “A-Athans!?” She turns to Athans in a distressed manner,
“What are you doing!?” She looks back at the destroyed entryway.

   “Knocking,” Athans turns his head from Shi to the doors on the ground, “ in excess.” He steps through the doors
and waves his hand for Shi to follow. She trots behind Athans. “Excuse us for the intrusion.” Shouts Athans very
sincerely.

   Looking around the inside of the tree cautiously with a hint of fear in her eyes, Shi jumps when the door on the
ground rots at a highly unlikely speed and a new one grows to replace it in the doorway, “Ahh! It grew back!” She
grabs onto Athans’ cloak.

   “It is a tree.” He walks to a flight of stairs near the back of the tree and looks up. Another floor can be seen
approximately fifty stories up, Athans sighs and he begins to float upwards slowly, “Does this geezer actually walk up
these stairs?”

   Shi begins to float after Athans, simply following in his path to whatever is to come.

   After a short while they reach the top floor of the tree’s insides. The entire floor is strewn with potted plants,
containers holding seeds, some vials with many different colors, and an old man sits by the window in a wooden chair.
He holds a cane in his hands, his eyes so wrinkled they seem shut, he could be mistaken for a corpse if his voice didn’t
assure people of his living state.

   “What have we here? Visitors?” The old man turns to Athans and Shi who have already set foot on the floor,
“What brings you here?”

   Taking a step forward, Athans holds up the basket he brought from city, “A little gift.” He tosses it to the old man,
who catches it surprisingly skilfully.

   “Hah, what a joke, this is Gaios, what need do I have of these?” The old man chuckles and takes an apple out of
the basket, taking a large bite out of it with what Athans guesses is dentures, “Still, the thought is nice.”

   Shi opens her eyes and points at the old man while tugging on Athans’ cloak with her other hand like a child who
wants a toy at the grocery store, “Athans! Athans! He ate the apple!”

   Staying silent for a moment Athans doesn’t move or make a sound, then in an instant he breaks the silence,
“Don’t you know that the fruits and vegetables of this city are diseased old man, along with the people who eat
them?”

   Taking another bite from the apple, as if he wasn’t listening to Athans the old man chuckles again, “Ohoho, boy
you do not have to put up an act for me, I know what that girl by your side really is, and I know you can see the thing
behind me as well.”

   From behind the old man a disgusting creature emerges, a centipede like figure, the pincers near the mouth seem
to drip with a liquid, as it touches the floor it eats away at the wood. With its coiling body it surrounds the old man and
acts as a shield.   

   “This is my god, and he is not so weak as to easily be destroyed by you.” The old man points at Shi with his cane
and laughs, “That girl on the other hand may be devoured though!”

   “What did you say!?” Shi raises a fist to the old man, in response the centipede coils around the old man more,
hiding his body completely.

   Putting his arm to block Shi, Athans turns away from the old man and to the gap between the floor and the wall
that Shi and he had come from.

   “Leaving so soon boy? Have you given up on me already?” The old man finishes the apple and throws the core at
Athans, it hits the back of his head, “The apple tasted rotten by the way!”

   Her face twisting into a rage Shi is about to charge at the old man until Athans speaks, “You know old man, you
may be immune to the diseases your god creates, but I’m sure you aren’t immune to the poisons of another.”

   The old man begins to cough from surprise, “What did you say!?” He stamps his cane on the wooden floor.

   “Since this city has so much greenery I found some interesting insects here and there, though not as interesting
as the one in front of me, but still it literally held some interest.” Athans takes another step forward, half of his right
foot hands over the edge of the floor, “I leave the rest to you Shi.”

   Shi turns to Athans, “Okay!” She salutes him like a soldier to an officer.

   The old man begins to cough again, but this time he can’t stop, he begins to cough up blood and then he vomits.
‘What the hell did that boy put in that apple!?’ His skin turns blue and he begins to suffocate, his vision fades. ‘Damn you boy! I was so close to bringing the world to an end!’ A tear forms from the old man’s eyes. ‘A long life is never a good one, you’ll learn that soon eno-‘ His heartbeat halts, the old man lays still on the floor.

   The centipede like god around the old man makes a screeching noise and suddenly shrinks in size, to that of a
regular centipede. It tries to burrow into the wooden floor but Shi already stands above it.

   “It’s too late.” She stomps on the centipede and twists her foot to make sure of its flattening, when she moves
her foot the centipede is gone.



   Standing a far distance from the city Athans and Shi both face each other.

   “Is this really okay Athans?” Shi says with a worried look on her face.

   “No, it isn’t, but it’s definitely the best way to make sure nobody else falls victim to this disease.” Athans reaches
into his cloak and pulls out a few flowers, their petals shine a bright yellow under the sun, “Daffodils.”

   “Huh? When did you get those?” Shi asks.

   “I swiped them when we were in the tree.” Athans holds up the flowers and nods to Shi.

   Shi returns the nod, she raises both her hands to the sky, “Sorry...everyone.” The sky turns dark and clouds cover
any bit of blue that was once showing. Shi brings her arms down forward as if to throw a large object, a wind is felt.

   Forming close to the city is a huge tornado which even makes the tree of Gaios fade in comparison, the people in
city notice the anomalies and then see the giant twister, they begin to panic and run wild in fear.

   Athans lets go of the flowers in his hand, they get pulled in by the large tornado, towards the city.

   Cries of pain and fear are made in the city full of diseased people, but nothing is heard except the sound of a
roaring tornado ripping apart the fields and houses of Gaios.

   “I’m sorry,” Athans whispers into the wind as he puts up his hood and turns away from the town, “for not being
able to save you.”

   

   After just a few minutes of chaos, even from afar the destruction can be seen along with the still raging tornado,
Athans and Shi pay no heed to it though and only face forward as they head to their next destination.

   The graves in the graveyard shake with the horrible wind of the tornado, dust is picked up and the stones fall
over, being buried once again with dirt.

   From the grave a very shocking site can be seen, the tornado which had finally taken up any small feature of the town into its contents begins to rip up the roots of the tree in the city. Tearing it from its firmly rooted base the tornado
takes the tree as its own.

   Nothing left can be recognized as the once city once known for its greenery and flourish. Not a single soul will ever remember the name Gaios, The City Of Flourish.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on July 18, 2010, 11:52:39 PM
argh chapter four allready >_<


well im kinda behind on reading, and i owe lego a review BUT right after that ill be on to your story Litt

ill try n get you something a bit more substantial then just "this is good write moar!"
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 19, 2010, 12:13:25 AM
Bleh, :tongue: doesn't matter really. I'm just enjoying my time writing it for now. You can take your time, but I'll look forward to it nonetheless.  :)
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: matsurinoaoi on July 19, 2010, 10:55:21 AM
I have to say, that was really sad...The poisoned apple was a suprising twist, too.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on July 19, 2010, 02:20:01 PM
-- i thought you didn't post this yet chapter, you know. Only found it today >.>

Crazy exciting. This chapter pleased me greatly. I really like this style of story. Its brilliant! The extra descrop gives it such an extra punch. Way to go!

I’m starting not to pay attention to  typo/grammo, which means I was really engrossed in the chapter. Athans and Shi are really cool characters! It was a sad chapter, again, but in the end I guess a tornado would be a better way to go out than a diseased series of deaths. At least that old fart got what he deserved. I only saw that coming because matsu spoiled it for me T-T



4000 words aint sounding like such a bad idea, if it means more reading.

And what do you mean, plot holes? All I see is good hooks and questions. Instinct is kicking in again ;)

Great chapter!
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: matsurinoaoi on July 19, 2010, 03:08:05 PM
I only saw that coming because matsu spoiled it for me T-T
D*MMIT!! I knew there was an ominous aura when I typed that!
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Coryn on July 19, 2010, 03:59:06 PM
i knew there was a story around here i was supposed to be reading.

well theres not much to say that hasnt been mentioned i think. lots of grammar issues i spotted. nothing too major usually but sometimes it made it hard to keep track of what exactly was happening. one thing though is that it seems everyone has matching eye and hair colors. which for me, having the hair and eyes being conflicting or fitting with each other help give a character more life.

also. i take exception to your assertion that aero is the only one doing anything around here. frankly i just figure that no one wants me to post the next 100 pages of my story in one big dump. well maybe lego, but thats about it.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 19, 2010, 04:09:06 PM
@Matsu: Well ya see Matsu, I'm trying to go for something more than the usual battle or power struggle in a story, so mine are for the most part, gonna be sad. I feel like I could do more with it, but I'll have to figure out what that is first.

@Lego: Yeah, it was kind of late when I actually wrote it, like most of my chapters. Late night to early morning is my favorite writing time.

I always find it bothersome to find out a great twist in the story is spoiled for me, but there'll be more to come. I'm starting to make huge mistakes as well which I can find on my own, I tried reading chapter 3 while at work on my cell, first five sentences made me facepalm at my own English skills.

The only reason I want to go way past my usual 1500-2000 is because there are so many little details I want to add, like in Gaios I wanted some descriptions to be added in, but it'd have made the chapters five times as long to add in the little side bits with other characters in Gaios and to explain everything, such as the disease. You know what, I talked to Sumi about the disease cause he's more trained in the medical field than me and I still had to make something up, I'll post it here.

The Disease - Unnamed
With the power of his god, the old man, the head of Gaios, had implanted a disease in all of the plants in the city. The disease is not dangerous to plants, it simply makes them grows faster, riper, simply better. On other living organisms though, the effect differs greatly. It actually does make the humans more efficient, stronger, but their bodies are working at an increased rate and it wears down the body very quickly, giving it no rest to recover even while asleep. The disease breaks down the body eventually and so the life span of any human would be cut short by more than half their years. Even a single bite of a fruit of vegetables, or a drop of its juices could cause you to receive the disease, no cure is to be found.

Since I didn't put this in, simply 'a disease' wouldn't be understood too well. Anyways, maybe I'll try putting in more detail and adding what I want in the story now.


Thanks to both of you for reading, if my sister stops messing up the internet connection I'll try to get to chapter 5
tonight.


@Coryn: Just posted before my massive one, and so thank you for reading as well. The color of hair and eyes matching does sound off, so maybe I'll keep Shi's as is cause I like to keep her green, but since it was never colored or set in stone, I could always change Athans' eyes to a hazel color or yellow.

Hah, well I've always disliked reading things that're too long online. Print it off and make a book, I'll be sure to read it within a few days of getting it. :tongue:

Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Coryn on July 19, 2010, 04:15:59 PM
Hah, well I've always disliked reading things that're too long online. Print it off and make a book, I'll be sure to read it within a few days of getting it. :tongue:

well i'm getting there
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 19, 2010, 04:19:36 PM
I'll be waiting for that. I'll actually try finishing the ones posted on MR though, just...not now, later.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on July 19, 2010, 04:40:55 PM
frankly i just figure that no one wants me to post the next 100 pages of my story in one big dump. well maybe lego, but thats about it.

You evil man! You've been holding out all those pages! :(


Self-publishing doesn't sound like such a bad idea. I've had quite adventure online for searching for Light Novel publishers. Sent three e-mails... Still waiting for a reply T-T. Found interesting links though. I'll discuss in another topic.


Same hair color? Eye color? I didn't notice... but maybe so.

Anyway, i'll be waiting for the nect chatpers
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Coryn on July 19, 2010, 04:47:41 PM
I'll be waiting for that. I'll actually try finishing the ones posted on MR though, just...not now, later.

its cool. though i am edgy to get some other opinions on it. i'm still waiting for that elusive negative review >.>

and yes i am holding out on quite a bit. but i'm kinda working on a project other than Coryn's Saga at the moment so we might get to the point where there isnt anything else to post
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on July 19, 2010, 04:59:57 PM
Ah, the horror.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 22, 2010, 07:01:54 PM
Okay, so this is the corrected version for the Anthology, so if you wouldn't mind doing me a favor [aero], could you make it into a jpeg? :tongue:



ARCANE JUDGEMENT
Chapter 1 – Good Guy
   Walking through a calm street where the side stalls hold fruit freshly picked, the houses made of wooden boards expand from the sun’s rays, and quiet discussions take place under the shade of makeshift roofs made of sheets held up by four wooden poles in the ground.
   Sweating under the sun is a green-haired green-eyed little girl. Her clothing is quite questionable, a long sleeve shirt, shorts, and cloth shoes make up her outfit. Her shirt’s sleeves are longer than usual as they reach slightly past her hands, the width of the opening on the sleeves as big as an ox’s head, her shorts and shirt both hold a design of many curves and swirls that seem to portray a blowing wind, and her shoes are simply plain cloth which look uncomfortable on the dirt roads. Her hair is as green as the healthiest grass and tied in braids with white bandage with the braids reaching down to her back.
Shi: It’s hot!
   She fans herself with her oversized sleeves.
Athans: Stop complaining, you can deal with it.
   An older figure, about 19 years of age, stands next to the little green-haired girl. His outfit is more appropriate, though still slightly stands out in the town. Covering most of his body is a cloak with a hood as it reaches down to his calves, a white t-shirt is worn under the cloak. His pants are baggy and tuck into his boots which have straps on the side to keep them on. His hair is brown along with his eyes, his hair is tied into a ponytail with the same bandages as the girl. In his right hand is a staff fashioning a clear orb that sits comfortably on the top and in his left is a book which his face is buried in.
Shi: I’m hungry! I want ice-cream!
   The cloaked man closes his book with one hand and looks forward at a restaurant.
Athans: I guess we could get some food. We haven’t eaten in a while after all.
Shi: Wai!
   The green girl shows a large smile and she jumps in glee.
Shi: I’m going to get a sundae!
Athans: Why don’t we wait until we see the menu first?
   
   The two of them walk along the flat dirt road and turn into the restaurant, sitting down at the table furthest from the windows to have a chance to cool down. The cloaked one sets his staff down as the green girl rocks her chair from side to side impatiently, a waitress walks over to them as they settle in.
Waitress: May I take your order?
Athans: Yes, I’ll have the leaf salad.
Shi: I want a sundae!
   The girl raises her hand up as if she was answering a question in class.
Waitress: That’s an odd request but I’ll see what I can do.
   The waitress smiles and walks into the kitchen where chopping noises and clanging of pots and pans are heard.
Athans: Sigh. Couldn’t you have ordered something more likely to be here?
Shi: I want ice-cream!
   With her small mouth the girl pouts at him.
Athans: …I truly find your behaviour disturbing at times.
Shi: I don’t know what you’re talking abou~t.
   She stretches out the word to pull off a cuter accent.
Waitress: Order up.
   The waitress from before walks out of the kitchen doors backwards with both of her hands occupied, one by a leaf salad and the other by an oversized sundae. She makes her way to their table.
Waitress: Here you go, one leaf salad and one sundae, on the house.
Athans: On the house?
Waitress: Yep, that’s what the cook said.
Shi: Isn’t that great? We don’t have to pay.
Athans: It would be…but first off, why?
Waitress: It just happened to be your unlucky day.
Athans: Unlucky?
   His eyebrows rise as he looks at the waitress as if she were mad.
Athans: Wouldn’t having a free meal be considered the opposite?
Waitress: Not if that’s all you can afford.
   The waitress smiles at him and points at the rip in his cloak.
Waitress: There are pickpockets in this town, you had better keep your eyes open at all times.
   Resting his face in his palm and his elbow on the table he groans.
Athans: This isn’t starting out to be a good day.
   Already finished her extra large sundae the girl wipes her mouth with her sleeve and jumps out of her chair.
Shi: It’s a great day! I got free ice-cream!
   Smiling again the waitress looks over at the girl.
Waitress: You sure look on the bright side of things.
Athans: That’s because she’s too short to see the dark side.
Shi: I am not short!
   As if to prove a point he stands up and looms over the girl yet he turns to the waitress. He picks up his staff as he stands.
Athans: Thank you for the meal, we will be taking our leave now.
He turns around and walks out of the restaurant, he puts his hood up as he leaves.
Shi: Hey! Wait up!
   
   The girl chases after him. Not changing her expression the waitress smiles and waves as they leave, she turns to clean the table and notices the boy’s meal untouched.
Waitress: He didn’t even try the salad.
   
   The two walk out into the street with newfound energy, the girl’s most likely a sugar rush, the boy’s a rush of rage.
Shi: Why didn’t you eat your food?
Athans: I wasn’t in the mood to eat.
Shi: I’m always in the mood to eat~.
Athans: If only you knew the troubles of real women.
Shi: I’m real!
Athans: You’re a bunch of hot air.
Shi: And you’re a big meanie!
Athans: Sigh. At least insult me like an adult.
   Raising his head he takes a few sniffs of the air, as they continue to walk he repeats this.
Shi: What are you doing?
Athans: I’m tracking my money.
Shi: Tracking it? Are you a dog?
Athans: In case of situations like this I put a scent on my coin pouch so I could always find it.
Shi: What does it smell li- Ugh!
   Pinching her nose she shows a disgusted face.
Athans: Like my money.
   
   Dashing forward, hid hood hiding his face, he turns into an alley leaving the girl behind.
Shi: Ah, hey!
   She runs after him.
Hiding out at the end of the alley way, which is a dead end, are three young boys all wearing worn out clothing.
Josh: How much did you guys get?
Jumbo: Twenty coppers.
Josh: Nice, and how about you Larry?
Larry: One copper…
Josh: What? Didn’t I see you take that weird cloaked guy’s money?
Jumbo: What kind of poor sucker only carries one copper?
   Finally reaching the end of the alleys a figure appears in front of the three boys.
Athans: I guess that would be this kind of sucker.
   He points to himself with his thumb.
Jumbo: He found us!?
Josh: How did you manage that?
   As if the leader of the group he steps forward.
Athans: It seems like you punks are too used to horrible stenches, but that coin pouch you have there is marked with the smell of rotten onions!
Larry: What?
   He takes a whiff of the pouch and almost vomits on the spot.
Athans: Okay maybe not all that used to it.
Jumbo: And what’re you gonna do now that you’re here?
   A large figure, much larger than the cloaked man despite his age, puffs his chest and tries to intimidate him.
Athans: My, my. Here I am, starving from not having a single copper to buy food and yet you seem so full.
   He points his staff at the three boys and with a short passing moment they begin to float in the air, they turn upside down at a certain point and coins begin to fall from their pockets.
Josh: H-Hey! What’s happening here!? Let us down!
Athans: I’m sure you wouldn’t mind lending me some money for a meal.
   He walks over and begins picks up the coins, he gets to his own and takes out the single copper, taking a smell of the pouch he throws it away and replaces it with another that the boys had stolen.
Athans: Well then, thanks. I’ll be off now.
Larry: Wait! Stop!
Josh: Come back here you thieving-
   Turning his back he starts to walk out of the wall, his staff seen to flick downwards as he leaves, the boys fall on their stomachs.
Josh, Jumbo, and Larry: Oof!
   Josh begins to push himself up with his arms, with one he pulls out a rusted knife but though rusted its’ edge could still cut through skin. As he was about to throw it a little girl drops from the sky and lands on him, he falls unconscious and loses the grip on his knife.
Shi: I told you to wait didn’t I!?
Athans: Hmm? Did you say that? I wasn’t listening.
   The girl runs over to him and attacks him with her weak arms, doing zero damage.
Athans: Stop it now will you?
   He shows a grin as he raises his new coin pouch and shakes it to show his newfound riches.
Athans: I’ll treat you to some candy as an apology.
Shi: Wai~!
   Turning over onto his back the boy who had stolen only one copper looks to the cloaked man and the girl.
Larry: Who was that guy?
Jumbo: I don’t know but he did something weird.
Larry: He stole our money.
Jumbo: Yeah, but we stole that money off other people.
Larry: So who exactly is the bad guy here?

   The two of the travellers exit the alley into the main street of the town.
Shi: Are you going to return all of that money to the rightful owners?
Athans: Nope.
Shi: Can I have a pound of candy?
Athans: Sure.
   His stomach grumbles.
Shi: Are you hungry?
Athans: Yes.
Shi: Then let’s go eat.

   Walking into the same restaurant again the two sit down in the corner table and settle in, the same waitress walks to the table.
Waitress: May I take your- Oh, it’s you two. You know that free meal was a onetime thing.
Athans: We know.
   He puts the pouch of coins on the table. The waitress shows a surprised expression but she changes back to her default smile to the customers.
Waitress: Then what would you like?
Athans: The usual.
Shi: I want a cake!
   The waitress tilts her head as her smile widens slightly.
Waitress: Coming right up.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 28, 2010, 04:22:47 AM
It seems that it's been much too long since I've done anything, so I guess I should wrap this up. I'm ending off the story with a last chapter, this post is just so I can put something in between so my redo for the Anthology and the last chapter don't get jumbled together, so...splitter...hmm...





















Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 28, 2010, 04:27:02 AM
Arcane Judgement
Chapter 5 – Boundless Knowledge
   Athans turns the page of a thick book as he exhales refreshingly with a smile plastered on his face. His sits at a table longer than it is wide and Shi sits across from him reading her own book. The two of them are surrounded by an ocean of books and documents, the shelves holding them are more than thirty meters high. It would take an eternity to read all of these books.
   “It’s great to take a break now and then.” Athans leans back in his chair and looks up at the ceiling which is made of thick glass, sunlight enters the enormous library and gives the building a bright mood.
   Shi looks up from her book, glasses on her face and a scholar’s coat which is too big for her on she raises one of her eye brows, “I didn’t think I’d hear that from you Athans.” She glances down at her book and turns the page.
   Looking left and right Athans grins and grabs a book from the small pile he has in front of him, “It’s just that all this knowledge,” He stands and takes a deep breath and exhales, his arms out wide as if to take in all of the information inside the text books, “it’s simply amazing to be surrounded by it all.”
   “Mmm.” Shi agrees passively as she continues her reading.
   Athans glances down at Shi with an intrigued look of his own, “I didn’t think you were one to enjoy reading though Shi, what’s gotten into you?”
   “I’ve always wanted to learn all I could about this world,” Turning the page with her eyes following it to quickly catch the words on the back, “Gods live for a long time after all.”
   “Speaking of living a long time, how old are you again?”
   “Fifteen.” Shi answers without raising her head.
   “So you’ve lived a short time and yet you still thirst for knowledge?”
   “Yes.”
   Athans shrugs his shoulders and holds his hands up to shoulder level while shaking his head accompanied with a sigh, “Alright, women lie about their age all the time, I should expect any different from you.”
   “I’m not a woman, I’m a girl!” Shi points to her chest, “See? Flat.”
   “Most women wouldn’t be proud of that...” He turns to his right where a large door leading to the outside stands. A female librarian with her hair in a bun, looking very professional yet young files books not too far from the doors, she catches Athans’ eye.
   Shi picks up the book she was reading along with five others. Both Athans and Shi walk to the counter the librarian sits behind, Athans leans over the counter and looks down at the papers the librarian is handling and then at the librarian herself.
   “By the way, how old are you?” He fires a host smile at the librarian.
   In a formal manner the librarian replies, “Fifteen.”
   “That’s quite young.”
   “Not at all.” The librarian keeps her head down and continues her work.
   “See? She’s fifteen too.” Shi places all of her books on the counter, though by the height difference she has to reach up.
   “Yes, but she isn’t lying about it.” Athans places is own book on the counter.
   The librarian looks up from behind her wide framed glasses, “Would you like to borrow those?”
   “Yes.” Athans answers.
   “Then please wait a moment.” The librarian opens a drawer and takes out two identical sheets of paper, an X with a line immediately after it is on the bottom, “Sign here then.” The librarian places a sheet each in front of Athans and where Shi should be showing along with pens.
   Athans signs the paper with only his first name and slides it towards the librarian, she takes it without delay. He glances down at Shi, “Need help?” He says teasingly.
   “I can do it myself.” Shi then begins to float up until she can reach the pen and paper with ease, she signs it with the words Shippa The Wind God. Shi then slides her sheet to the librarian as well and the librarian takes it without a single glance at Shi.
   “Alright then, you may borrow these books. Return them when you are finished.” She places the two sheets to the side and returns to her duties.
   “Thank you.” Athans bows his head and takes his book then heads for the doors, Shi takes her books as well and follows after Athans while still floating.
   “Where are we going now?” Shi asks Athans from behind her books.
   Opening the doors wide to reveal a busy town where people float, skate on thin air, can jump over twenty feet in the air, run five times normal speed, Athans replies, “To that old bastard.”

   Behind a large glass window many men of old age stand, taking notes and discussing matters of the other side of the glass, on the opposite side of the glass is a large battle between gods.
   “Yes, yes, apparently elements have no power over how gods would fare against one another.” One of the men say.
   “It is the pure power they wield that determines their placement on the scale.” Another further explains.
   A door behind them all opens and Athans walks in, along with Shi, “Hello everyone.” He greets as if he’s known them for years.
   “Ah, you’re just in time Athans.” A man with ash gray hair and a wrinkled face walks over to Athans, “It’s confirmed that gods all depend on the amount of energy they’re made up of.”
   “I’ve had some encounters with such experiences and I suspected.” Athans replies.
   “Then will you care to witness it yourself?” The old man leads Athans over to the glass window and points towards a flying bird type creature, its majestic wings spread out and nearly fill the width of the area, its beak is a bright gold and its feathers all glow a crimson red, “As you know this is our specimen Flotia, we have run many tests on it and it has proven to be our strongest god in possession.”
   Athans ignores the old man as he continues his one sided conversation, Athans’ gaze is locked onto the bird, Flotia, ‘Running tests on gods, thinking they’re no more than your usual lab rat.’
   “...and so we’ve proven it just now after a long preparation.” The old man finishes, “Now allow us to show you.”
   ‘How cruel.’ Athans nods to the old man, “Yes.” He turns back to the glass.
   A large door opens in the closed space holding the majestic bird and entering the room is a frail humanoid god, shivering in fear it shrinks when it looks at Flotia. The humanoid god’s hair is like a bubble surrounding its head like a helmet, its eyes look like pearls, and its skin is blue.
   “A water god?” Athans turns to the old man.
   “Yes, and as you know Flotia is a fire god.” The old man’s eyes shine from the glow of Flotia’s feathers as he stares into the glass.
   “And what is this god’s name?”
   The old man brushes Athans’ question off, “Do not bother with such trivial matters, it is to disappear in moments as is.” The old man nods to one of the men in the room, the man presses a button and an odd light glazes over the glass on both the window and the ceiling, Flotia screeches.
   “This is your energy manipulator at work?”
   “Yes, we are very proud of it.” The old ma covers his ears, “Now if you would please.” He gestures to the window and Athans complies.
   With a large flap of its wings, Flotia sends a blaze towards the unnamed water god, the water god drops down to the ground and braces itself in a corner.
   “Ah, we can’t have that now, can we?” The old man waves his hand and another button is pressed.
   A small orb in the corner where the water god hides blasts the god back into the air, the god is then caught by small lines made of the odd light which glazed over the glass earlier. It struggles to get free to no avail, Flotia then gets close and opens its beak, about to screech.
   “I’ve seen enough!” Athans shouts, a burst of wind blows through the room, only strong enough to tussle hair.
   Everyone stops, the humans and the gods.
   “Is there a problem Athans?” The old man asks very confused.
   “Yes, I’ve already seen what happens when one god overpowers another, you’re only wasting your time by killing such a weak god in front of me.” Athans slams his fist on the glass, a small crack is heard, “Now release her, I don’t need to witness this unnecessary slaughter.”
   The entire room is still until Shi takes a step forward and speaks.
   “If Athans doesn’t want to see a fight between a weak and an obviously stronger god, I can always step in.” Her childish atmosphere absent Shi’s eyes seem intimidating to the aged men.
   “N-no, that’s alright, we’d like to keep Flotia as a specimen for now,” The old man wipes sweat off of his neck, “you would destroy him instantly.”
   “Well then, why don’t you stop this then?”  Shi says as she floats over to Athans, staring at the old man from behind Athans’ back.
   “Y-yes.” The old man turns around to the men at the controls, “Stop it men! We’re done for today!”
   With a few buttons pressed and levers pulled Flotia is bound by the same lines of light the water god, a moment later the water god is freed. The floor beneath them opens and Flotia is lowered into a dark space under, the water god on the other hand floats over to the glass where Athans stands and smiles to him, she fogs up the glass and writes ‘Thank you’ backwards, she blushes and re does it so it’s the correct direction for Athans to read.
   “What is that god doing?” The old man says quietly to himself.
   Athans returns the smile and then grabs Shi around the waist, headed for the door.
   “You know,” The old man calls out to Athans, “that god you have there would be a great test subj-“
   Instilling fear in everyone who meets his gaze Athans glares back at the old man, “No thank you.” He opens the door and shuts it behind himself quietly.
   The room is silent for a second time, the men look at each other awkwardly and then all look at their leader.
   The old man looks down at the ground pondering, ‘I thought he was as knowledge hungry as we are, I guess I was wrong.’
   “Why did you leave Athans?” Outside the door Shi begins to speak.
   Athans let’s go of Shi and allows her to move by herself, “I just couldn’t keep hold of myself in there Shi.”
   “It wouldn’t have bothered me though. I’m fine with the disappearance of gods, we’re common after all, especially all of the ones in this city, really weak.”
   “Yeah, you wouldn’t have batted an eye to it, but I just might have...”
   “You’re a kid like always Athans.” Shi lands on the ground and marches like a toy soldier.
   “I don’t want to hear that from you.” Athans puts his hand on his forehead.
   Shi spins around and looks at Athans, “But that’s what I like about you.” She smiles.
   “”My ignorance?”
   “Your innocence.” Shi spins back around and begins to march again, “One, two, one two.”
   Athans looks to the side and shows a dark face, ‘Innocent? That’s not right, my hands have been stained red long ago.’
   
   Sitting by a fireplace with a pile of books surrounding her, Shi quietly reads as the moon rises. Athans lies in bed looking up at the white ceiling thinking deeply.
   “Hey, Athans,” Shi calls out from behind her books, “How do you read this word?” She walks over to Athans and holds out her book while keeping her finger under the word.
   Athans turns his head to Shi and looks at the word, “Obliviousness.” He reads out.
   “And this one?” She points to another word.
   “Deluded.” He reads again.
   “And this?”
   “Idiot.”
   “Eh?” She looks at the book herself, “That isn’t what-“
   Athans sits up in his bed and stares down at Shi, “Stop it, I get it already, we’ve got to do something.”
   “If one is accepts their obliviousness they will drown in despair from the misdirected choices they are destined to make. The deluded believe this to only be a natural cause called fate, though any man with half a brain would call that rejection to accept their mistakes as their own fault.” Shi dictated from the book word for word, “They have these types of books here too.”
   “And yet,” Athans jumps out of bed, over Shi and grabs his cloak from a coat rack, putting it on, “They’re still as foolish as ever.”
   Shi closes the book and tosses it over with the rest of the pile she has.
   The doorknob turns and Athans pushes the door open, “We’re making our move.”

   Sneaking in the shadows in the dead of night Shi and Athans shift from house to house.
   “Where are we heading?” Shi whispers to Athans as they take a pause to check for anyone patrolling.
   “To free a new friend, along with some others I hope.” Athans nods to Shi and they move to the next building.

   “What is with that man?” The old man paces back and forth in the lab from earlier in the day. The moonlight enters from the glass ceiling in the space through the glass.
   A quiet screech is heard from the ground.
   “Flotia...” The old man looks through the glass calmly, and then suddenly the floor shakes and he falls over. A large crashing sound is heard, “Just what in the world!?”
   
   Athans stands in front of a large hole in the wall of the lab’s building.
   “I thought we were trying to be sneaky!” Shi shouts in a whisper.
   “Did I ever say that?” He grins and then looks into the new exit he’s made, “Come on everyone, time to leave.”
   A small rumble, after a short time a large mob of gods make way for the exit, they’re of all sizes and types and so Athans whistles.
   “I haven’t seen this many gods together before.”
   From behind all of the rushing gods and rumbling of the ground a drowned out screech in the background is heard by Shi, “Athans.” She says in a serious tone.
   With the same grin on his face he looks deep into the hole, “I know.”

   In the lab the old man is wildly pressing buttons in a skilled manner. In the intruding moonlight it seems like an art.
   “No, the gods, I can’t let them escape so easily.” He pulls a lever and the ground in the closed area opens, a glow is seen from the darkness, “Not after all the hard work to capture them all.”
   A loud screech is heard and the entire building shakes from it, the glass Athans slammed earlier shows a large crack in it but the old man doesn’t notice in his distress.
   “Come on Flotia! We have work to do!”

   The last of the gods are seen disappearing in the distance, Athans looks extremely happy while Shi is alarmed.
   “This isn’t good Athans.” Shi looks at the building up and down.
   “Don’t worry now,” He looks up at the sky himself with clouds slowly gathering together, “hell has only just begun.”

   “I won’t let them leave, not now, not ever!” The old man pulls a line of levers and a bright light shines over the entire building.
   Flotia is wrapped in the bindings from before and it struggles to escape.
   “It was definitely Athans, that little brat getting in the way of our research!” Pushing a bunch of buttons the light grows larger and it flows into the area where Flotia resides.
   Flotia screeches, the crack in the glass triples in size and is near shattering.
   “I’ll definitely destroy him! His god may be stronger than Flotia, but once I’m finished this he’ll be at his knees!” Pulling a final lever the light accumulated flows to Flotia.
   Flotia begins to grow in size, his feathers’ glow turning to a blazing flame, his beak becoming sharper, Flotia lets out a screech which finally shatters the glass.
   The old man is shocked by the shattered glass and looks out to Flotia, “What!?”
   Flotia’s head is seen and it opens its beak and screeches at the old man, knocking him on the ground. Flotia backs away and it crushes the wall behind it with its enormous size, it flaps its wings and a inferno turns everything into ashes.
   The flames approach the old man as he shake sin fear, “N-no...no... NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! What about my research!? My findings!? My precious books!? What about-“ The flames engulf him.

   Without warning bursting flames light up the night sky and everyone in the city turns on their lights to see the commotion.
   “He actually did it too.” Athans looks at the flames with his deep gaze.
   “Did what?” Shi asks.
   “That old man told me a few days ago that Flotia only got stronger than all the other gods from being infused with gathered power. Without that he’d be as weak as a human with a lighter.” Athans puts up his hood and walks to a more open part of town, “He probably went mad and infused all the energy he had to Flotia, in doing so Flotia lost its mind and is now going to start a rampage to destroy everything in its path.”
   “What? Why would he do that?”
   “Because he didn’t want to lose his specimens, if he were still alive he’d probably say something like, “I did it for the sake of knowledge.” Or something like that.”
   “Still alive?”
   “His scream.”
   “What?”
   “Nothing, let’s go stop that enraged bird.” Athans begins to run.
   “Right.” Shi flies quickly behind him.
   
   Screams out pain and agony are heard from all around the town, a flood of fire burns away at everything, the books begin to turn to ash and the knowledge disappears with it.
   “The books! Save the books!” A mother shouts in her home as her child is ducked under a table for safety.
   “Mommy?”
   The mother barges out the door with the books and a scream is heard from her.
   “Momm-“ The house collapses in flame.
   
   In the center of the town many men stand discussing the matters and they all decide on a plan of action.
   “We’ll all attack it, trying to subdue it though, we still need it for experiments.”
   All of the men nod in agreement. Attacking in groups and surrounding the gigantic beast they all attack with futile attempts to stop its rampage, it simply sweeps them away and crushes them with its fiery talons.

   “Athans, the people...” Shi has a worried look on her face as her witnesses the agony of the people.
   “It’s too late, we don’t have the power to heal.” Athans says coldly with no change of expression.
   “I know, but can’t we save any of them?” Shi asks bluntly.
   “If you want to save them Shi, then you can, but I wouldn’t waste my breath for these people.”
   “Who are you to decide these peoples’ fates!?” Shi shouts at Athans.
   “I’m not, they are. Do you even see them scrambling for their precious books rather than trying to save their own children or even themselves?” He glares back at Shi, “If you want to save them, then do so, you’ll only be wasting your time.”
   Shocked at Athans and his actions, Shi veers off to a shouting man in distress, “Fine! I’ll do it myself!”
   He scoffs to the side and continues to run towards the beast Flotia, “Damn...”
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 28, 2010, 04:28:11 AM
   Shi reaches the man in distress and she calls out to him, “I’m here to help!” She says as he leans out of the second story window of his burning house.
   He looks down at the little girl with terror in his eyes, “A specimen? What are you- Ah, nevermind! Catch this!” He disappears into his house.
   “Huh?” Shi waits for him to appear again.
   A bookshelf falls out of the window and Si dodges it just in time.
   “H-hey! What are you doing!? You have to get out of there quickly!” She looks at the books on the ground covered in dirt.
   “Not before I save my books!” The roof collapses and he’s struck by a large burning piece of the rafters, he falls out of the window.
   “Hey!” She pushes her palms forward and the man is caught by a cushion of air which softens his fall, Shi runs over to him to check on him, “Are you alright!?”
   The man glares at Shi with cold eyes as he lays limp suspended in the air, “Why did you catch the books you bitch?”
   “What are you-“
   The man spits at Shi and it hits her cheek, “Your nothing more than a specimen, do as we humans-“ The man begins to cough blood and he dies soon after.
   “...” Shi lowers him softly to the ground, “That man...it’s just like Athans-“
   A babies cry is heard from inside that exact same building.
   “A baby!?” Shi barges in through a window on the first floor and looks for the crying child, “Where are you!?”
   The baby continues to cry as the house begins to fall apart.
   Shi runs through the flames and burning woods falls upon her, she lands on the ground with burns all over her body, “Ugh!”

   “Aahhh!” The last of the men die at the claws of Flotia.
   Athans arrives at the scene and doesn’t bother looking at the burnt corpses, he stares up at Flotia, “Stop!” He shouts out loudly though his voice isn’t heard through all of the screams and cries in the city, he tries again louder, “Flotia! Stop this!”
   The gargantuan bird notices the small creature below it and sends flames at it without delay, “Die!” The bird says.
   Athans wraps himself in his cloak as the fire devours him.
   “Hmph, foolish human.” The bird looks for another part of the city to burn.
   “He~h? So you can talk now?” Athans stands in the same spot with his staff held tight, his cloak burnt into ash and his forearms badly burned.
   “Still alive? How persistent.” The bird fires blazing feathers at Athans, “Just die would you?”
   Athans holds up his staff and a continuous cycling wind redirects the feathers away from him, though some find their way through the defence and cut through Athans’ clothes and skin, “That hurts you damned bird.”

   “I don’t have time for this!” She shouts and with it the debris is blown away by a strong with, the flames also are blown apart, making a path for Shi. Shi stands and begins to run towards the cry again.
   Getting louder and louder the cry begins to cough.
   “Oh no!” Turning into a burnt down doorway Shi scans the room and notices a small child, she runs to pick it up, the building collapses upon her.

   “Just die!” The bird screeches and it sends a wave of burning feathers to assault Athans.
   “I won’t die that easy you chicken!” He shouts while covered in burns and wounds, he walks forward bit by bit, closer to Flotia.
   “Stop resisting and give up to your fate!” The bird cries out.
   “Sorry, but I’m not that deluded!” He bursts up into the air and reaches the bird’s face, “I’m not going to let this continue!”
   “Die!” The bird opens its beak and a white flame is seen in its throat.
   Athans smirks.

   The debris of the house is blasted away with an explosion of air as Shi stands with her tattered and burned clothing with a baby sheltered in her arms, it breaths calmly.
   “I hate to admit it, but Athans was right.” Shi looks down at the child in her arms, “But this was not a waste of time.”
   An explosion in the distance occurs and Shi is alarmed, the baby begins to cry again.
   “Athans!” She begins to run towards the flaming bird, her leg severely burned she continues with no hint of stopping.
   
   Flotia falls down on its side with a large crash and Athans is sent flying back through a dozen houses.
   “Uaa!” The bird shouts in pain, its beak’s end broken off with a large gash across its face.
   “Agh!” Athans cries as he hits the last house, a split second after his staff spins towards him and impales his leg, “Aah!” Blood flows down his face from his forehead. His clothing is scorched and his eyes are glazed over. Athans’ staff is missing its orb.
   Flotia returns to its feet, “Bastard, you bastard! Just die!” The bird opens its broken beak a second time with a pure white flame about to emerge.
   Shi flies in from the side and kicks Flotia in the head, knocking it over again, she spins and lands on her feet in front of Athans, the child still in her arms.
   “Are you alright Athans?” Shi says with her attention fixed onto Flotia who begins to return to its feet again.
   “I’m fine, I can still-“ He grabs onto his staff still impaled into his leg and a searing pain runs through his entire body, “Urgh!” He shoots back into a sitting position against the wall behind him.
   “I guess not.” Shi turns to Athans and kneels down, handing him the baby, “Hold onto this one for me.” She turns back around and stands up.
   “A baby?” Athans eyes the child curiously.
   The baby grabs onto Athans’ thumb and sleeps soundly.
   Athans looks away from the baby with a pained face, the pain not from any of his burns or his wounds, “I’m sorry...”
   “Bastards...” Flotia returns to its feet for a second time, but not its wings are spread out, about to fly.
   “What’s it trying to do?” Shi stares at Flotia.
   “Flotia is going to fly into the air and send a flame to engulf everything below with its wings.” Athans answers as he cradles the child in his arms, ready to shield it at any moment.
   “Alright, then we’ll be fine.” Shi begins to float up slowly.
   Flotia flaps its wings and it shoots up into the air, it flies higher and higher until it can comfortable fly above the town, “I’ll burn you with the rest of these humans who abused me and treated me like disposable trash!”
   Shi reaches a point across from Flotia, though the giant bird doesn’t notice from its rage.
   “Shi...” Athans says below to himself.
   The baby awakens and looks up at the sky and fidgets like a child its age would, not worried about a thing.
   Athans looks down at the baby and smiles, “So you trust Shi too?”
   The baby makes an indistinguishable sound.
   “Me too.” Athans smiles at the baby, “I hope you can keep her company then,” Athans looks up at Shi in the sky across from Flotia, “Shi...goodbye.” His head falls down and his eyes close, “It was...fun.”
   “Burn!” Flotia flaps its wings and a giant blast of fire shoots down.
   Shi snaps her fingers and the fire disappears in an instant, “That’s a no-no Mr. Bird.” She moves her index finger like a metronome.
   “Getting in my way!?” Flotia yells.
   “Of course not Mr. Bird.” Shi shrugs her shoulders.
   “Then what are you doing!?” The bird shouts causing the air to shake.
   “Ah, well if you ask so politely,” Shi’s eyes narrow and her gaze turns dark, “I’m bringing down Arcane Judgement upon you.” Shi swings both her arms to the opposite side, as if to clap hard yet miss, and without any warning a raging tempest arrives.
   “What is this!?” The bird begins to feel pressure on its side and it twists and turns against its own will, “What are you doing!?”
   “Didn’t I already say? Judgement, judgement.”
   The wind picks up and the bird is torn to shreds, the only thing left of it is a few feathers which fall slowly towards the ground and disappear quickly.
   “Punishment complete.” Shi lowers down to the ground to where he left Athans.
   The baby is crying loudly when Shi arrives, it still lies in Athans’ arms.
   “Jeez, making the baby cry, how horrible are you?” She walks and picks up the baby, “Anyways Athans, are you al-“ She looks at Athans and gasps, “Athans?”
   Athans with his head hung low sits there with his staff still impaled into his leg, silently.
   With just a glance she can tell, “No breath...Athans...” She kneels down to Athans quickly, and frees one arm from the baby to grab hold of one of Athans’ shoulders, “Athans! Wake up Athans! Athans!”
   Silence, the air is still.
   The babies coughs from cry too much and Shi stands, he rocks the baby to clam it down, the aby falls asleep.
   “Athans...I...I...” Tears rolls down Shi’s face, the tears fall onto the blackened wood of the house debris.
   After her tears dry Shi sets the bay down on a clean board of wood as she kneels next to Athans.
   “It was fun Athans...you were the first human I actually got a chance to know.”  Another tear appears in the corner of her eye but she wipes it away gently, “I’ll miss you Athans...I’ll never forget.”
   Shi begins to undo her braids, she lays the bandages to her side, once finished she stands up and pulled the staff from Athans’ leg and lays it to the side. She kneels again and picks up the bandages from her hair, she begins to wrap up all the burns and wounds on him. All are covered but the one on his leg, she looks for more bandages around but none are to be found. She then looks at Athans’ head and notices the bandage tying his hair.
   “If you wouldn’t mind,” Shi says with a sorrowful tone, he eyes still wanting to cry yet she forces a smile, “I’ll be borrowing this.”
   Shi wraps up Athans’ leg and picks up the baby, he takes a deep breath and the exhales, a wind blows through the town and puts out all of the fires.
   “...goodbye.” Shi begins to walk away from Athans.

   Walking through the town Shi’s foot hits a slightly burnt book, yet still intact. She pauses for a moment. She picks it up and looks at the title.
   “The Bible?” She looks at it puzzled for a second, “...no.” She smiles and shakes her head, the drops the book on the ground, it lands open and small notes fall out of it.
   “What is god?”
   “Why is god almighty?”
   “Why doesn’t god help us when we need it?”
   “Why must we follow these rules?”
   “What does it mean to be good?”
   Questioning ‘God’ this town fell to its knees and paid a dear price for its knowledge.
   
   “Where to go now?” On the outskirts of the town Shi looks at the long road in front of her, she looks down at the baby in her arms, “Ah, that’s right. You don’t have a name yet do you?”
   The baby sneezes.
   “Aha, well what should I name you?” Shi looks back at the town, embers still glowing a weak red, “...Athans? No, that would only bring me grief. How about...”
   A slow breeze passes by, the natural breeze in which Athans and Shi would stop walking for to simply feel the wind pass by. Shi stops instinctually for this wind.
   “Ah, then how about Breeze?”
   The baby laughs for an unknown reason and bounces a little in Shi’s arms.
   “Alright then, Breeze it is.” Shi smiles at the small child, “Now, where to now Breeze?”
   The wind picks up a little bit and Shi’s unbraided hair blows in the wind.
   “I guess we might as well be cliché like Athans says and go wherever the wind takes us.” Shi smiles and turns off of the road, to where the wind is blowing, following the flow of the wind to wherever it leads.
   
   In our journey for knowledge we question everything around us, we question what we see, what we hear, what we smell, what we touch, and what we taste. We happen to have a thirst for knowledge, our throats so dry we cannot stop but desire more, and so after tiring all other sources we question even God. We question our existence. We question our purpose. Many have answers, none the same, and if you expect to find an absolute answer here then you’re wrong. God, purpose, existence, none of that matters to me, because in the end I can always trust one thing, and that is...
   
   Standing up and grabbing his staff Athans grins wide, “Leaving me behind so cold heartedly, that Shi.” He lightly steps on his leg to test the pain, “I guess it is my fault for holding my breath, but I’d actually like to see where the wind takes me from now on, and maybe Shi and I will run into each other one day,” Athans begins to walk, a limp obvious in his movement, he grabs a tattered sheet from a collapsed house and throws it around himself like a cloak, “But until then, we’ll see which direction it blows.”
   The wind changes directions and Athans begins to follow it out of town, he uses his staff as a cane as he walks, hoping that his next destination may have some gauze.
   

   ...to follow the wind.



END
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on July 28, 2010, 04:49:44 AM
ITS DONE!?!?!?!??!?!


AHHHH!!!

i need to be not busy so i can read yours and Lego's story to completion...
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 28, 2010, 04:54:22 AM
Ah, well I just felt like this story wasn't moving along well enough, so I wanted to end it quickly which ended up being over 4 overs up to 5 in the morning. I felt like I wasn't doing enough writing this summer and Arcane was holding me back a little from obligation, so ending it was the best choice.

Also I have yet to finish Lego's story too, it's been too long, I don't even know why I've been putting that off. I'll get to it...after. Have to sleep eventually as power is running low so early in the morning and work the next day, friends and plans...when did I develop a schedule!? GAHHH!!!!
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on July 28, 2010, 04:57:10 AM
O_o  hold you back?

so are you going to be starting a new story then?
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: ferrentes on July 28, 2010, 04:57:37 AM
Í think i'm going to print your story when I'm home then I can read it!
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 28, 2010, 04:59:48 AM
Well I felt obligated to finish Arcane before starting anything else or even thinking of much else, it also poked me whenever I tried writing some other stuff.

Maybe, when I get a good idea for one. May be more cliche this time since I can always think of a story for fantasy.

EDIT: Print? Please do not waste the paper, this is only a story I was never satisfied with till the very end.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on July 28, 2010, 05:05:36 AM
hmm i wonder what kind of story it will be then....
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 28, 2010, 05:06:48 AM
I also wonder. :hmm:
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on July 28, 2010, 05:07:10 AM
comedy...
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 28, 2010, 05:09:31 AM
Works, I haven't been given much chance to do that at all lately, along with action since I enjoy that, shounen type story of course.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on July 28, 2010, 05:10:47 AM
parody of the shounen genre!
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 28, 2010, 05:12:43 AM
Hah? Parody of the shounen genre? So...I make fun of the oblivious main character which never learns due to his stupidity and the heroine which is always weak and doesn't learn that staying back and waiting in a safe environment would save her oh-so-precious-person so much trouble when she inevitably gets kidnapped and he has to make a choice between her and the whole world or something like that? I could...but too complicated.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on July 28, 2010, 05:13:52 AM
awww... i would laugh >_>
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 28, 2010, 05:15:11 AM
No doubt it was translate into a 4koma, it wouldn't be difficult for any average mangaka either, but I dun wanna do it.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on July 28, 2010, 05:18:15 AM
hahah


anyways sci fi, horror, and comedy are the mains that i havent seen from you, just throwing those out >_>
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 28, 2010, 05:21:06 AM
Christ if I ever do Horror, Sci-Fi is iffy and comedy is now a confirmed. Just want more than comedy though, so I'm gonna try thinking of stuff.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on July 28, 2010, 05:28:00 AM
well the three popular comedy types would be slice of life, romantic, and shonen... sooo have fun thinking >_<
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 28, 2010, 05:36:01 AM
Romantic shounen slice of life comedy...pushing it? Maybe just shounen comedy since every time I think of Seto No Hanayome I'd think mine was complete crap if I added in romance.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on July 28, 2010, 05:39:55 AM
hahah yeah that ones kinda... hard to top o_o

if you do shounen... please give him a huge sword he cant lift for the life of him
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Coryn on July 28, 2010, 01:41:09 PM
but the bigger your sword the more badass you are! XD

while the story was short the ending was good. some grammar mistakes and some logistical ones too. for instance that baby would at no point go to sleep in a town full of people burning to death, the town woudnt burn down that fast, and if athans had been holding his breath he would have taken a big deep breath before getting up. it would also have a good effect for instantly letting the reader know he wasnt dead
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 28, 2010, 03:57:02 PM
Ah, thanks Coryn, I'll change those things a little later, and I'll dodge the town burning quickly with the flame god's power and say it simply burned that quickly because of him, and it wasn't completely burned down. I'll fix the baby as well, but I'm leaving it alone cause I just woke up from 7am to 5pm and my head is throbbing.

Big sword...got it.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: matsurinoaoi on July 28, 2010, 06:05:26 PM
I was thinking, "Wow, this is a good chapter...and then I saw END. I was like, "Whoa!"
And I've been fighting with myself over this:
Athans and Shi don't reunite? Huh...It would have felt more complete if they had met afterwards. But since you know that Athans is still looking for Shi, then the story feels like it's still alive. Although I wonder what Shi's reaction would be...But wait, wouldn't them meeting at the end be too cliche? Ummm...
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 28, 2010, 06:12:45 PM
Ah, yeah I said earlier I'd end this, I really enjoyed writing it though.

As for the ending, it's kind of a "let the reader decide" ending, I also left it off like that so I could return to it some other time with a new second series or something if I ever feel the urge to. And cliche is okay sometimes, and you can always bend cliche a little bit to make it original, kind of.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: matsurinoaoi on July 28, 2010, 06:16:54 PM
Ah, yeah I said earlier I'd end this, I really enjoyed writing it though.
Don't worry. My problem is that I often never finish my stories...With the exception of the one I'm doing now llD
And cliche is okay sometimes, and you can always bend cliche a little bit to make it original, kind of.
Bending cliches...*sparkle sparkle*
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 28, 2010, 06:18:13 PM
Haha, I never finish mine either, Arcane was the first I really ever did, mostly cause I didn't want to leave it in the dust.

Bending cliches is something you have to do, or else the story would never feel right. At least to me you have to add in some cliches to make a good story.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Coryn on July 28, 2010, 06:46:17 PM
finishing a story is always good practice. besides if you never finish anything how will you know how to finish stories in general.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 28, 2010, 06:48:10 PM
Make a really sad ending? That's my fall back.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Coryn on July 28, 2010, 07:18:15 PM
even sadness needs practice. really its all about pulling off the feeling of finality
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 28, 2010, 07:32:04 PM
Hopefully I can manage to pull that off in the future, and that I could manage it for Arcane. It always makes me a little relieved to finish a story though, sad when it's an actual manga or anime, but when it's your own work it feels nice.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on July 30, 2010, 03:05:03 PM
Saved. last review... coming up T-T. I hate it when stories end...
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on July 30, 2010, 03:19:46 PM
Hah, well all things come to an end, good or bad. Like I said though, it felt nice to end off the story, and thanks for reviewing again, this time it's about 5000 words or something, take your time.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on July 30, 2010, 03:21:27 PM
Yeah, i noticed...

...

...

...

(reading)
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on August 01, 2010, 01:43:21 PM
Spotted two errors:

1-  The flames approach the old man as he shake sin fear,… (SHAKES IN fear…)
2-  The man glares at Shi with cold eyes as he lays limp suspended in the air, “Why did you catch the books you bitch?”  (Why DIDN’T …)
3 – Everything would be more superb if a few more gaps in the fight scene were added. Just a tiny little bit, otherwise the terse style delivers the action quick and smoothly.

Short review (busy as hell, and I’m partially speechless)

Where did you find all those quotes? This was a gut wrenching heart tearing chapter. All I can sum it up to is:

*Standing Ovation*


Really, really good work. It ended short, but it’s an end, obviously. Wording superb, poetry intricate and story steeled. Great, great, great.

I actually thought Athan’s was going to get killed off, and that was scary. It was very tense. It was very mangaish. Honestly the religious wording put me off a little, but all in all, thumbs up and hats off to you.

I’ll be looking forward to any other works.

...Really damn good...
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on August 01, 2010, 03:47:42 PM
I think there were many more errors than that in the entire run of the chapter, but thanks for pointing them out.

Quotes? Wait, what? I tried to look up a quote that related any type of wind and god, but I didn't know what to type into the Google search bar so I ended up making something up, I don't think I used a quote...I'm confused. :confused:

Horrible thing happened recently though, I said I wanted to end this story and so I did, then after four minutes of walking out of my house one day I thought of a cool way for it to continue. Damn this horrible mind of mine! Let things die for once!

I'm gonna try and move on to another story though, I decided on a comedy genre about online gaming, then I thought of a good idea just recently last night as well, I might just go with the gaming one though. :tongue:
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on August 01, 2010, 03:54:35 PM
Yeah, there were other mistakes, but those ones came to my head faster... No excuse for a so-called review though...

I used the word 'quote' since i new no simpler way to put it. Should i say proverb or philosophical statements?...? ?

Any new story is welcomed though, but i won't mind any more extra adventures of Shi/Athans, there's still a lot there.

There's this good advice though: don't completely exhaust a storie's well of inspiration, leave some water to pool up first, and then write from there. (That counts as a quote, i guess.)
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on August 01, 2010, 04:43:31 PM
I think I might as well go with the comedy gaming story, for a few reasons, one to work on my humor, two to finally return to a more modern story setting, and three cause I wanna use all of my useless gaming knowledge.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: [aero] on August 01, 2010, 04:53:37 PM
i will be thoroughly perusing this story then, i will not let my wealth of gaming knowledge go to waste either!
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on August 01, 2010, 05:00:25 PM
Hah, well my gaming knowledge is less than most gamers, as I've near only played free MMOs and I think Sumi is more experienced with the goings on of the online world. I'm like a balanced human warrior in a game, worse than everybody else, the giants are stronger, the elves are faster, and the dwarves are shorter, you have absolutely nothing on them.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Fnnenn Enninn on August 01, 2010, 05:01:50 PM
Except Gunners, who can just use WM, or mages who can use large ground attacking AoE.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on August 01, 2010, 05:08:41 PM
You shush, DFO will have nothing to do with this story, not unless I add overpowered NPCs like GSD.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Fnnenn Enninn on August 01, 2010, 05:10:12 PM
Shi is level 84 even though level caps at 50
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: legomaestro on August 01, 2010, 05:11:41 PM
If there's an underdog gamer, he's/she's my fav character!!!

EDIT: LEVEL 84 can do that much damage... There must be something stronger...
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on August 01, 2010, 05:12:57 PM
I didn't intend to break the level cap, Shi did it on her own, she was imported from Korean Arcane Judgement, also known as KDP, Korean Divine Punishment.

Seriously though, we should stop using this topic to make jokes. :tongue:
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Fnnenn Enninn on August 01, 2010, 05:22:41 PM
Dang it, I had way more.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Account Disabled on August 01, 2010, 05:24:11 PM
Of course you would, but I don't want any of my jokes stolen for the story.
Title: Re: Arcane Judgement
Post by: Fnnenn Enninn on August 01, 2010, 05:27:17 PM
Damn >,>