General => break Room => MR Pub => Topic started by: Robin Ryuu on November 11, 2017, 10:45:46 PM


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Title: Some News and a Question. (Relationship Stuff)
Post by: Robin Ryuu on November 11, 2017, 10:45:46 PM
So... I started dating a couple weeks ago. :o Actually it's a poly-relationship with the 3 of us dating each other. Me, my boyfriend, and my girlfriend.

I'm excited about it, but I'm afraid that my parents won't be since it's a bit unorthodox... And I've never dated before so no help there. I'm tempted to avoid telling them at all, but I'm more afraid of them finding out some other way and so I can't really relax... Does anyone know any advice on how to tell them?
Title: Re: Some News and a Question. (Relationship Stuff)
Post by: Forlorn Serpent on November 11, 2017, 10:59:49 PM
You were home schooled right?  Which stereotypically means for religious reasons. which again means for christian reasons. If i am off, nevermind, but the advice should still follow.

Would i tell them? No. But then again, i dated a girl for 3 years without my family ever knowing her name. It just wasn't their business. Plus, they didn't really care.

If you are strong with your family and family is important, then yes, you should tell them. If this is just a "phase" as in you are just exploring your options, don't bother telling them. The reason why is that you are still "finding" yourself and the little stuff shouldn't be made a big deal.

If are a bisexual, tell your parents you are bi. if you are concerned about their reaction on the  poly lifestyle, that should mean just keep it to yourself unless you are doing threesomes at home. Then they should know. walking in on that would be a shocker. If you have your own apartment, it's not their business. 

don't stress your early years. your world will be different within two years. And then it will change. In 10 years, you won't even recognize yourself.
Title: Re: Some News and a Question. (Relationship Stuff)
Post by: Robin Ryuu on November 11, 2017, 11:47:03 PM
Okay background time then.

I was home-schooled through high school and half of 8th grade by my own choice. I was bullied and was emotionally unstable at the time and for a while afterwards. My parents do have a dusty old bible lying around though, but they're the relaxed type who don't speak about religion much. I myself don't follow any particular religion.

A year or two ago my mom told me that they would support me if I dated guys or girls, but nothing was said about both. They don't know I'm bi, I've only recently figured that out myself, but my sister likes women even though she married a guy.

However the reason I am concerned about telling them is that my mom is extremely overprotective and won't let me do anything or decide anything on my own. (to the point of saying that if I ever move out of state she would follow me and move there too.) I'm also aware that she has her own ideas of who I should date and I've been told she talks about us marrying when I'm not around.

Also my parents randomly call and show up at my apartment so if I'm not there and hanging out with them it's a problem. And no I don't normally hang out with people, mostly because my mom pries too much and is suspicious of people, usually asking if I'm dating one of them (if it's a guy) of if they do drugs.

And no, with me I refuse to date unless the relationship seems to have a good chance of lasting. Which wasn't till now.
Title: Re: Some News and a Question. (Relationship Stuff)
Post by: Forlorn Serpent on November 12, 2017, 12:56:32 AM
Hmm, the joking about marrying is concerning (if she is joking). Comedy isn’t universal after all.

Well the first step to break away from parents would be to start an intimate relationship with someone. That’s the typical breaking up of family, in your case, your mom’s hold on your life.

If you already had the bisexual talk, it shouldn’t be much of a leap to say You are dating two. Unless they see it as selfish or something.
Title: Re: Some News and a Question. (Relationship Stuff)
Post by: Robin Ryuu on November 12, 2017, 01:09:40 AM
They don't know I'm bi

I don't know how to talk to them about this stuff, that's what I'm asking about. In general I'm afraid to talk about anything with them since I'm usually just given a long list of reasons why my ideas won't work.
Title: Re: Some News and a Question. (Relationship Stuff)
Post by: Forlorn Serpent on November 12, 2017, 01:16:45 AM
sorry, i misinterpreted what you said that they would support you being straight or gay. It's funny to me that you have to chose between the two.

Again, just let it happen. You don't have to make it a big deal. I'm sure there is more to it, but i see the major problem being a constant intrusion in your life. Once you form a relationship and make it clear to your parents, naturally, they will step off. Again, i don't know if your mother has a personality disorder, but usually, that's the subtle hint to back off on you life.
Title: Re: Some News and a Question. (Relationship Stuff)
Post by: Coryn on November 12, 2017, 08:50:33 AM
Well, I can't say I have a lot of experience with this particular issue. But maybe try to feel them out on it? I know that's vague, and requires a lot of subtly, but seeing how someone reacts when encountering a concept from a distance is awfully useful sometimes. Maybe see if there's a news story about such things, and bring it up when it fits the conversation. Or if the conversation is in the same sort of area, then do a little segway into poly stuff.

You of course know your parents and how to interact with them infinitely better than I ever will, so take it at your own pace. Although as mentioned, an easier place to start is probably getting them to give you some more space.
Title: Re: Some News and a Question. (Relationship Stuff)
Post by: araithiel on November 14, 2017, 10:54:12 AM
First of all, you rat bastard, you convinced two people in a poly relationship, you lucky dog you.

Anyways, this often revolves around this sort of parent conundrum. If you do tell them, let's assume you're in some form of trouble or in for a talking to.

If you don't tell them, but they (inevitably) find out, now you're still in the original trouble, plus the trouble for lying/hiding that information. So one of them is a double whammy. So from a logic perspective, that way always works.

However, when it comes to parents, I'm always hesitant to give people advice to be open and talk. I'm lucky to have come from a family that's super open, largely to a fault, but I'm aware that not all families are like that, and you may still have to live with them or connected to them, and I would never want to put someone into harm's way. So I would leave you at your own discretion about telling them.

More importantly, are you happy and confident in the choices you're making? Like you said, you've never dated before, this is all new to you all at once, so make sure the different threads aren't all tangled up. Do you feel you're doing the right thing in your dating? Are you being a good girlfriend(?) to both parties? Are they treating you properly? Do things seem right/wrong/awkward/weird? Why?

Even if you don't have that kind of open dialogue with your parents, and you're not sure what to do there, now is a great time to set standards for yourself in your own relationships and make sure they have open dialogues and clarity between all parties, especially with 3 parties over 2 (cause 2 is hella hard as it is).

To solve your parent problem though, you may just want to tell them you've started dating, you're bi, and you're taking it really slow and casual with people, nothing serious, just finding yourself and getting familiar. That is not a lie, it covers for why you're there or not at your apartment, and explains why you might have a boyfriend one weekend and a girlfriend the next, without mentioning they're also dating each other in a triangle situation.
Title: Re: Some News and a Question. (Relationship Stuff)
Post by: MahluaandEggnog on November 25, 2017, 03:48:28 PM
Well, I'm late to the party.
First of all, congratulations! Relationships are hard to find, and I'm glad you found something that seems to be working for all of you! I know from experience that poly relationships can be difficult, and as for parents, well...I'm not sure if you're still feeling in need of advice since it's been a couple of weeks since this was posted, but I can try.

My mother is also quite overprotective, and so I've been hiding s==t from her since middle school so I could figure myself out at all. What works for me is sort of cherry-picking as a form of dodging the bullet when she asks me a question. When she asks a question about if I'm dating, I switch it up and tell a story about something stupid a friend of mine did, even if the entire situation is fictional. It's relevant enough to the question to seem like an answer, but far away enough to distract. If that doesn't work and she's persistent, change tactics and give answers in five words or less. A good conversational wall to throw up, especially in regards to questions about relationships is "I've been thinking about it, but I don't know right now," and to each subsequent, prying question, repeat the same thing. "I've been thinking, but I just don't know." Play it up like you're trying to figure yourself out before figuring out relationships. That tends to get overprotective moms to back off. It's "safer" to them.

From there, Coryn's advice seems pretty on the ball. Time to call upon some gentle fibbing and try the tactics of "I've been doing some reading about relationships, and did you know that some people practice polyamory? It's not bad or anything, they just--" and go on and explain. You'll likely meet a wall there with stuff like the typical mom "I don't like that" or "I don't get it" or "You aren't into that stuff, are you?". From there, brush off the conversation, don't get frustrated, let it pass, and innocently say "No, I just thought it was interesting that there are people who do that and it works for them." Inevitably, if your mom is as nosy as mine, she'll ask about it again later and you can try again.

The key there is working like you're writing propaganda, in a not-absolutely-terrible-world-ending way. People hate what they don't understand, but if you seem cheery and accepting of it, and you can provide information to make it seem less "othered", it can gently sway her to your side.

As for the rest of your family...whew, good luck.
Title: Re: Some News and a Question. (Relationship Stuff)
Post by: Robin Ryuu on November 25, 2017, 10:23:53 PM
Thanks for all the input guys. I ended up telling my mom earlier this week. I'm a horrible liar and things easily stress me out so I thought it would be best to just get it over with.

She had never heard of poly relationships before so she asked a lot of questions and such. Things went the best they could have gone I think... We're going to have a dinner with everyone (maybe tomorrow) so everyone can meet.
Title: Re: Some News and a Question. (Relationship Stuff)
Post by: MahluaandEggnog on November 25, 2017, 10:31:21 PM
Man, that's great to hear. Sounds unreal from where I come from, to have parents that would just hop on the support wagon and want to meet them. Lying sucks, and I'm glad you don't have to do it.
Title: Re: Some News and a Question. (Relationship Stuff)
Post by: Coryn on November 26, 2017, 08:59:58 AM
Good for you Robin! Sometimes the direct approach works best. Good luck on the dinner. Remember though, sometimes the simplest answers can be the best when getting grilled. Sometimes when asked how such a thing can work, you just have to say "It just does."