Notes
Fade in:
I/e. Hospital - car - DAy (There are quite a lot of typos like this throughout the story. It made things a bit difficult to read.)
Abigail's Father, a shocked man in his late twenties, drives his pregnant wife BETH, a red haired exhausted woman, to the hospital. (Just a personal problem for me here. The title "Abigail's Father" is used all throughout the story instead of giving him an actual name. We were given a name for Abigail's Mother {Beth}, but not one for her father. It just seemed weird for me, especially since he was introduced as "Abigail's Father" when we as readers don't know who Abigail is yet.)
Abigail's Father
Breath, Beth, Breath! (Probably seems like I'm just nitpicking at this point, sorry if it does lol. Nothing too big, just misspellings. You should probably go over your story after it's all typed up. Just to get rid of typos like these and really brush up the script.)
He drives around and parks his car.
LILITH, a black womanly creature appears in the rearview mirror for a second.
Abigail's Father looks back but nothing is there.
Int. HOspital - Day
Abigail's Father pushes Beth, who sits in a wheelchair.
Abigail's Father
Pregnant woman, get out of the way!
Beth breathes deeply in pain.
Int. Hospital - BEth's private room - day
Beth breathes even harder while Abigail's Father holds her hand.
A DOCTOR, a confidant elderly woman, gets in position between Beth's legs.
Doctor
Start pushing.
Beth breaths heavily and starts pushing.
(Nice opening scene, I'm always a sucker for scenes like that.)
{SKIP}
I/e. Car - day
Abigail sits in the back seat while Abigail's Father drives. She looks out the window.
Large trees line the streets. Lilith stands at the edge of the tree line. Abigail stares at her as the car passes by.
They enter a parking lot filled with cars.
Abigail's Father
Is there anything you want at the store?
Abigail
I want... I want... I don't know.
Abigail's Father
Well, if you see anything you can pick one item at the store.
Abigail
Awesome.
(During this scene, Abigail felt a bit emotionless. You should try adding more detail so we know how the characters are feeling instead of just having to infer. For example, when Abigail was unsure of what she wanted, you could have typed "(unsure)" in front of her dialogue or "she said unsure of what she wanted" afterwards. Simple, but helpful in understanding the character's emotions. The punctuation is also a bit offsetting. When Abigail said "Awesome", I feel like there should be an exclamation mark there instead of a period. However, if you were going for a kind of sarcastic awesome there then it's fine.)
{SKIP}
Abigail's Father
Yeah, "meat"... me at the front counter. he, he.
Abigail
That wasn't funny dad. (Shut up Abigail! I liked it lol.)
{SKIP}
Elizabeth grabs Abigail by the arm and drags her away.
Abigail
But my strawberries.
Elizabeth
They don't taste good anyway's. Lets go.
The clerks look at each other.
GermAN CLERK
What a weird kid.
(Nice foreshadowing. Good job with this, it's subtle but I got it. ;) )
{SKIP}
Ext. Backyard - day
Abigail grabs her sword and practice her swing.
She runs on top of a large boulder and holds the sword in the air.
Elizabeth walks towards Abigail from behind. CER, a small black dog with two spots on each side of her neck sniffs Abigail's feet.
Abigail
Not now Cer. (How the hell do you pronounce this!? It's been killing me man! {Sir?, Ker?} Tell me! lol)
Abigail pushes Cer aside. Cer walks towards an old dog house and rests near a tombstone.
Abigail
Grab your sword.
Elizabeth moves her arm sleeve up and drags a samurai sword out of it. She wields the long black sword and does sword tricks.
Abigail runs down the boulder swings her sword at Elizabeth.
Elizabeth
You had all this time to rest and you look like you are already tired.
Abigail
I'm not tired. I'm just thinking of a way to beat you.
Elizabeth
You better hurry.
Abigail
Take this.
Abigail extends her sword and cuts Elizabeth's hand.
ELIZABETH
Ah! You cut me.
Elizabeth drops her sword on the ground.
Abigail
See. You can't beat me.
Elizabeth
I wasn't expecting that.
Elizabeth falls on the floor.
Elizabeth
Ah! I'm dying. No, not like this.
Abigail
Ah! i'm dying too.
Abigail falls to the ground next to Elizabeth and they both begin to laugh. Cer runs up and licks Abigail's face.
(Cute. A nice scene that develops the relationship a bit more between Elizabeth and Abigail. Good job on that. And the fight scene was well described to me, so no complaints here.)
{SKIP}
Int. Abigial's room - day
Abigail grabs a book from her shelf.
Lightning strikes and the lights go out.
ABIGAIL
Dad!
Abigail's Father (O.S.) (What does the "O.S." mean? I was just a bit confused here.)
AH!
Abigail
Are you okay!
Abigail's Father (O.S.)
I cut myself, don't worry about it!
The lights turn back on.
She jumps on the bed and opens up a book. She spins around on the bed while searching for where she left off.
Ext. Imagination world - FOrtress - night
Abigail, dressed as a ninja, scales up a wall. A large fortress is fortified by numerous soldiers.
She examines the area and deduces a pathway. She runs down the wall and makes her way to the fortress.
LIZI, A small child runs next to her.
ABIGAIL
Get out of here!
Lizi
I'm sworn to protect you. No matter what the cost.
ABigail
I don't need you.
Lizi
Irrelevant.
ABIGAIL
It's totally relevant. You will compromise my mission.
Lizi
I am only here to help.
AbIGAIL
Then stay here.
Abigail stops and holds Lizi down. (I like these two interacting together already haha.)
ABigail
Just wait here, i'll be back.
Lizi pouts and turns around.
Abigail runs towards the fortress.
{SKIP}
Ext. Valerie's house - day
Abigail walks to the house and knocks. She looks around and
(What happened here? It looks like some of the script got cut off. I was really confused at this part, because you know. A huge blank space and a cut off sentence lol.)
Int. house - kitchen - day
Abigail's Father lifts up the pot top, steam rises. Mexican rice fills the pot. He swirls the rice.
Chicken cooks on the stove.
Abigail
Are you almost done?
Abigail's Father
Almost.
Valerie
It really does smell good.
Abigail's Father
Don't praise me until you taste it.
Abigail
I'm hungry!
Abigail's Father quickly fills a plate with rice and chicken.
Abigail's Father
Give me a second.
He places the plate in front of Abigail. He runs to the fill another plate.
Abigail's Father
Blow first.
Abigail struggles to eat the hot rice. Valerie laughs at her attempt to handle the heat.
Abigail's Father places two plate on the table and sits down.
Abigail's Father
Enjoy.
Valerie takes a bite.
Valerie
It's good.
Abigail's Father looks at Valerie play with Abigail at the table while eating.
Abigail's Father picks ups the plates and sets them in the sink. He washes the plates while looking at Abigail and Valerie play swords through the window.
Valerie (CONT'D)
Not so hard.
Abigail
Come on.
Abigail runs around swinging her stick.
He walks away.
Int. Abigail's Father's House - Abigail's Father's room - day
Abigail's Father picks out a book from his bookshelf. On the back, A picture of an older Elizabeth wearing glasses smiles next to Abigail's Father.
( :o Elizabeth = Beth?)
He exits carrying the book.
Int. Abigail's Father's House - Abigail's room - day
He places the book in her bookshelf and walks away.