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Manga Writers => Develop Your Story => Topic started by: MisterSherbetLemon on June 29, 2015, 07:06:11 PM


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Title: Wild Thorne
Post by: MisterSherbetLemon on June 29, 2015, 07:06:11 PM
Wild Thorne

Summary: Shounen manga set in a world infested with wild monsters. A young man named Thorne aspires to someday become a powerful (and rich) Monster Hunter!


Chapter 1: The Last March (Complete) (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13714.msg265513/topicseen.html#msg265513)
Chapter 2: Refuge (In Progress)
Title: Re: Dracone
Post by: Peraso on June 30, 2015, 05:26:09 AM
I have read the story and I noticed a resemblance to Attack on Titan in many ways.

Quote
Guilds of Monster Hunters: Elite soldiers who specialize in using the powers of alchemy to enhance their abilities beyond that of a normal human

Sounds like the Survey Corps, Garrisons, Military Police

Quote
These Guilds are humanity's key weapon to preventing Yali's creatures from crossing into humanity's "Safe Zone" and have built the foundations of expansion by exterminating monster nests through paid Government Contracts.

Sounds like the Wall of the show.

Quote
Edoine's human population is in the hundreds of thousands when it was once in the billions but is steadily growing once again across the last untouched cities of the calamity.

The near extinction of mankind.

I am not saying that it will go downhill to the exact point of it, but so far the start sounds like it. I am sure that as the story unfolds it will have different characteristics that will make it unique. That is my view on it. Stay classy, lad.
Title: Re: Dracone
Post by: MisterSherbetLemon on June 30, 2015, 06:36:35 AM
I can understand where some would see the resemblances to Attack On Titan. But please allow me to counter if I can:  :tongue:

Quote
Sounds like the Survey Corps, Garrisons, Military Police

The Guild Hunters are the only ones who enhance their bodies through alchemy due to the dangers it poses long term to the human body. The private armies of each city are more about safeguarding the lands that fall into each of the Four Great Cities' territory than rebuilding walls or protecting some inner city. In some cases (Potential spoilers) they would also be used in disputes by the Four Great Cities should they escalate to a point of war or rebellion against the Empire.

Quote
Sounds like the Wall of the show.

There are no protective walls on the scale of Attack On Titan. The Safe Zone refers to territory that is considered safe for humans to travel through. The roads between cities are safe to travel between and farmland/lumber camps/mines that are operational are all done in the open, sometimes under the protection of the region's private army in which case a fort or garrison camp may be established. Humanity's story in Dracone of dealing with the Calamity is more a story of defiance against their enemy rather than fear and self-protection behind walls.

Quote
Edoine's human population is in the hundreds of thousands when it was once in the billions but is steadily growing once again across the last untouched cities of the calamity.

While I can see the similarities, I don't think the near-extinction of humanity can count as one solely linked to AoT. Evangelion, Black Bullet (a personal favorite), Ergo Proxy, Chrome Shelled Regios, Knights Of Sidonia and yes Attack On Titan all deal with different ways that humanity deals with their near-extinction. When Dracone begins, humanity is already making a strong successful offensive to retake and rebuild which is a far cry away from the bleakness of Attack On Titan.

A major influence for me regarding the Hunters themselves probably comes from a mix of Claymore and Fairy Tail. This manga will be quite upbeat in comparison to others of it's kind so hopefully the difference will show more when I finally post a chapter.  ;D
Title: Re: Dracone
Post by: Peraso on June 30, 2015, 06:46:40 AM
I know there is other stories like AoT out there, I just say that since those 3 points came up and they sound similar to it I linked it to that. Of course your story will include different concepts and that is great. I just thought of the story information that was up matched wih it, but it will change as it moves on. Uses alchemy and guilds, sounds quite intriguing. I am sure as it goes on it will be a completely different story and it will be good, I wish you the best! Look foqard to reading and good luck, chap ^_^.
Title: Re: Dracone
Post by: gelolanuza05 on July 02, 2015, 07:19:54 AM
Great idea man.. Also the fancy art  :D . I watched AOT and yeah pretty the same, But you changed my mind a little when you replied to the other comment, They told me also my introduction is similar to Avatar... But hey, we can change their mind right? Goodluck to us brother  :dance:
Title: Re: MisterSherbetLemon's Projects
Post by: MisterSherbetLemon on July 05, 2015, 10:07:02 AM
Added a few more stories that I'm working on, any opinions/comments will be appreciated :D
Title: Re: MisterSherbetLemon's Projects
Post by: MisterSherbetLemon on July 23, 2015, 02:08:08 PM
Deathless just got moved up the priority list and is now my main project. Link to some of the script is in my signature if anyone is up for giving me feedback. :)
Title: MisterSherbetLemon's Projects: The "Dracone" Reboot
Post by: MisterSherbetLemon on April 24, 2016, 01:58:04 PM
So I'm taking a small breather from my main project "Deathless" for two reasons: First off, I've been having some major problems with gaps in the plot that I'm not having much luck fixing yet...

Second, I've been thinking a LOT about the original project I wanted to work on back when I first joined MangaRaiders last year, a project that I was originally planning to develop as a computer game.

The plan has changed for it but the passion for the story itself has remained. It's a shounen fantasy story that takes place in a world infested with a variety of wild predators. The story was originally titled "Dracone" but I'm thinking of changing that. Either way, if you want to view the old prologue just go to the beginning of this thread to read an unnecessary wall of text that has no relevance in the early chapters of the story.   
   
Anyway, I've decided to reboot my efforts to get this story written. I have this chapter complete in terms of page planning and dialogue, just tightening up the descriptive text for the coming panels so only a third of Chapter 1 is currently up.

Was going to wait until it was finished to post this but I wanted to see if I could get some feedback on the way I'm laying out my script as this is probably the most in-depth script I've written and don't want it to just be a daunting wall of information. Let me know your thoughts. ;D

Chapter 001: The Wild Thorns
Chapter 001: The Wild Thorns

Page 1
Summary: Narrative prologue.

Panel 1:
Description: A large expanse of territory dotted with medieval/renaissance towns and castles. Smoke billows from chimneys, roads have travellers on carts and horseback, a peaceful atmosphere.

Narrative: The Human Empire once stretched far and wide as the sole rulers of the known world.

Panel 2:
Description: Three small panels split up to form the size of the above panel. These panels portray fishermen hauling up a net, hunters shooting deer and a banquet of celebration. The narrative text is stretched along the top.

Narrative: Other creatures were prey with the Kingdoms of Man as their hunters.

Panel 3:
Description: A town being destroyed by a variety of creatures. A giant troll like beast brings down a tower in the distance, hairless dogs chase humans who are running towards the camera, human archers try to shoot down flying beasts, Two humanoid beasts similar to orcs raise weapons made of bone while a third points towards the humans previously mentioned.

Narrative: Then The Calamity came...
Narrative: A disaster that unleashed beasts unlike anything humanity had ever seen.

Panel 4:
Description: The same scene as Panel 1, now in ruins. Monsters fly around the ruined castle, the smoke billows from burned down houses, the carts are destroyed and horses lay dead on the road.   

Narrative: The humans who had known peace for so long had grown weak
Narrative: and now monsters infest the ruins of the Old Empire.

Page 2
Summary: End of The Narrative Prologue, story title. 

Panel 1:
Description: A group of goblin or imp-like monsters travelling the road come running from behind the hill.

Narrative: Today, the "World of Man" is long forgotten but...

Panel 2:
Description: One is sent flying forward, blood gushing from it's back. The others have turned to look in fear

Narrative: ...those who have survived have grown strong in the New World

Panel 3:
Description: More of the monsters fall with various wounds gushing blood.

Narrative: The fight continues but once again...

Panel 4:
Description: A large panel. Four men and two women stand over the bodies of the monsters. These are hunters and they are armed with various different weapons. One of the men is cutting down the last monster.

Narrative: We have become the hunters.

Page 3
Summary: An introduction to the town of Rouvin. An alarm bell is sounding and two characters are discussing it. Their names are Thorne and Pol.

Panel 1:
Description: A view of the town from a distance. Any similarities to the renaissance period is gone now. Buildings are more dark age/medieval, secure and well built but simple. A few damaged buildings can be spotted, some are being rebuilt.     

Narrative: Rouvin, a Border Town on the edge of the Wildlands.

Panel 2:
Description: A large bell is ringing.

Panel 3:
Description: A squad of garrison soldiers are running and shouting.

Guard Captain: After it men!
Guard Captain: Do not let it escape!

Panel 4:
Description: The same soldiers in the background pursuing a feral beast. The beast has the appearance of a hairless greyhound, it's eyes are bulging but completely black. Saliva trails from it's bared teeth as it flees the soldiers.

Guard Captain: We are entrusted with the safety of Rouvin,
Guard Captain: We cannot let it reach the people in the market square!

Panel 5:
Description: Two figures look out over the town. Several bell towers can be seen, the ones on the left side are all ringing 

Pol: Another one has appeared.
Thorne: Yeah.

Panel 6:
Description: Side view of the two figures, the top halves of their head out of sight. Thorne has a hand raised scratching the back of his head, Pol has his arms crossed.

Thorne: It's pretty far off.
Pol: Shh.

Page 4
Summary: Pol states that they can find the creature. Thorne gives the go ahead.

Panel 1:
Description: Pol's face is in full view. His eyes are closed.

Pol: ...

Panel 2:
Description: Back view of the two figures. Thorne is looking towards Pol and his face is in view, Pol continues to look ahead.   

Thorne: Hey! C'mon, are we going or-
Pol: The bells are getting closer,
Pol: I believe I can predict it's path.

Panel 3:
Description: Bottom half of Thorne's face, grinning.

Thorne: Heh...Is that so?

Panel 4:
Description: Front view but Thorne has turned away. It seems they are standing on a roof.

Thorne: Well then,
Thorne: I trust you to lead the way.

Panel 5:
Description: Thorne raises his wooden spear into the air. The sun casts a shadow over him but his face is finally revealed. He has a confident, almost smug expression.

Thorne: Okay, it's decided!

Panel 6:
Description: Thorne in the same position but it now shows he is standing on the edge of the roof looking down over a large group of figures raising their own weapons.

Thorne: We're moving out!
Figures: Yes sir!

Page 5
Summary: The guards are failing in their pursuit of the monster.

Panel 1:
Description: Back to the dog-like creature, it turns a corner and the guards are shouting after it.

Guard: It's getting away!
Guard: Down that street!

Panel 2:
Description: The Guard Captain is sweating, weary desperation shows on his face.

Guard Captain: [This is no good, it's too fast!]
Guard Captain: [The other squads won't cut it off in time!]

Panel 3:
Description: Back of the guards' heads, the distance between them and the beast has widened as they turn the corner.   

Guard Captain: [The people here are safe in their homes but if it reaches the main square...]
Guard Captain: [We won't be able to pin it down without endangering the townsfolk.]


Panel 4:
Description: A shot of regular townspeople enjoying a market in the town square. While adults are laughing, a child is looking up in the sky curiously.

Guard Captain: [We need a miracle, otherwise...]

Mini Panel 4.5:
Description: Zoom in on the child. The sound of the bells are faint in the direction she is looking.

Panel 5:
The child is looking up as a large body of figures run along the roofs.

Guard Captain: [...casualties are going to be unavoidable.]

Mini Panel 5.5a:
Description: Thorne waves as he jumps the rooftop, grinning. 
 
Mini Panel 5.5b:
Description: The child's face, shocked.

Page 6
Summary:

Panel 1:
Description: The Guard Captain's desperation continues.

Guard Captain:[It's our duty to protect this town, yet these beasts have slipped through our grasp time and time again.]   
Guard Captain: [I am...no...]

Panel 2:
Description: The Guard Captain's desperation turns to resolve.

Guard Captain: [We are the protectors of this town!]
Guard Captain: Forward men! Don't let that thing out of your sight!

Panel 3:
Description: Thorne and Pol's heads stick out as they watch the beast and the garrison charging towards them.

Pol: They won't catch it.
Thorne: Then it's almost time.
Thorne: Get ready.

Panel 4:
Description: Same view but from the Guard Captain's perspective. Thorne and Pol are not in sight.

Guard Captain: [Damn it...The square's just up ahead!]
Guard: It's no good, it's too far ahead!
Guard Captain: [Why...]

Panel 5:
Description: Guard Captain's desperation has returned, tears streaming from his eyes in anger and frustration.

Guard Captain: [Damn it!!]
Guard Captain: [Why can't we even protect our own people??]
Guard: It's almost at the square!

Mini Panel 5a:
Description: Close-up as the Guard Captain resigns himself to failure.

Guard Captain: [If we can't...]
Guard Captain: [Who will?]

Mini Panel 5b:
Description: A hand points to give an order. 

Thorne: Now!

Page 7
Summary: Appearance of the mysterious group as they set off their ambush.

Mini Panel 1a:
Description: A series of boxes and barrels fall.

Mini Panel 1b:
Description: The Guard Captain's eyes widen in surprise.

Mini Panel 1c:
Description: The boxes and barrels smash on the ground.

Panel 1:
Description: The smashing causes a small storm of dust that blows over the beast as it halts in it's tracks.

Panel 2:
Description: The Guard Captain raises his hand to halt his men who have also raised their hands to shield their eyes from the dust.

Guard Captain: Hold! Stand your ground!

Panel 3:
Description: The Guard Captain squints to try and see what has happened through the dust.

Guard Captain: What was that?

Mini Panel 3a:
Description: The Guard Captain's mouth gapes open at whatever he is seeing.

Guard Captain: [Where...]
   
Panel 4:
Description: The debris from the falling boxes/barrels has blocked the archway leading towards the square. Atop it, Thorne and Pol stand. On the rooftops on each side a large group of young teens and children have emerged, all holding makeshift weapons.

Guard Captain: [Where did all these children come from?]
Guard: The path's been blocked off!
Guard: All right!

Panel 5:
Description: A few of the guards recognize the children, others question their comrades about them.

Guard 3: Jeez...
Guard 1: It's these kids again.
Guard 2: You know them?

Panel 6:
Description: Guard 3 sighs and closes his eyes, a small drop of sweat on his brow.

Guard 3: Yeah...

Page 8
Description: A series of panels showing the key faces of this group of children as Guard 3 explains who they are.

Panel 1:
Description: The beast snarls as it looks up at the appearance of the children.

Guard 3: Since monster attacks became more frequent, these street orphans have been showing up everywhere, calling themselves "The Wild Thorns."
Guard 1: What is that, like a street gang?

Panel 2:
Description: The left rooftop's kids, focus on the leaders. Orla is a female, Flan is a male.   

Guard 3: You'd think so but they don't break any laws!
Guard 3: Though they certainly know how to hold their own.
Narrative: Squad Leader Orla   
Narrative: Flan "The Fist"   
Flan: Why we using these dumb wooden spears? I can beat that mutt down by myself, no problem!
Orla: You know the Captain's orders, dumbass!

Panel 3:
Description: The right rooftop's kids, focus on the leaders. Vio and Kai are both male and both brothers with Vio being the elder. 

Guard 1: Hah, they're just a bunch of kids!
Guard 3: I'm serious! They've built up a name for themselves collecting monster bounties around town.
Narrative: Squad Leader Vio
Narrative: "Quiet" Kai
Vio: Get ready little brother.
Kai: Yes.

Panel 4:
Description: Pol stands with his arms crossed.

Narrative: Pol, the Young Tactician
Guard 3: No matter where trouble stirs up, they always seem to know where to show up. 

Panel 5:
Description: Guard 1 laughs at Guard 3 who nervously puts a hand to his helmet.

Guard 1: Hahaha don't be an idiot!
Guard 1: Are you a fan of some dumbass kids playing "soldier?"
Guard 3: N-no, it's not that...

Panel 6:
Description: Guard 3 looks up, a hint of admiration on his face.

Guard 2: Even so, you can't deny... 

Panel 7:
Description: Thorne stands, a serious expression on his face.

Guard 2: It's a good thing that they showed up right when we needed help.
Narrative: Tarkus Thorne, Self-Titled Captain of the "Wild Thorn Brigade" 
Thorne: Wild Thorns, get ready... 
 
Page 9
Summary: The Thorns attack, The Guard Captain contemplates but that's yet to be put up, I figured this was a good spot to end this.

Panel 1:
Description: The front row of Wild Thorns on each side jump down from the roofs. Thorne joins them but Pol stays where he is. 

Thorne: Take that monster's head!
The Thorns: Yes sir!
Title: Re: MisterSherbetLemon's Projects
Post by: legomaestro on May 29, 2016, 01:07:30 PM
Review
Spoiler
1.
Narrative: We have become the hunters.
- Nice. I can imagine a great shot of the hunters with this one. Story introduced in two pages, so props on being so fast
- I have to say though it's very technically written haha. It's perfect for an artist who needs the details, but seeing 'Description' and 'Narrative' all the time in full words makes me automatically read them rather than directly translating them in my head. It's just my own pet peeve though, but I can follow what's happening.

2.
Panel 4:
Description: A shot of regular townspeople enjoying a market in the town square. While adults are laughing, a child is looking up in the sky curiously.
- Hm, with the alarm bells indicating a monster attack shouldn't there be panic of some sort? Aren't there countermeasures to pull say spikes in the middle of main paths or soldiers garrisoned around the campus? I'm not sure how well defended the city is or not so these questions occured to me...

3.
Mini Panel 4.5:
Description: Zoom in on the child. The sound of the bells are faint in the direction she is looking.
- Ah, the bells are faint. That answers that bit.

4.
Guard 1: Hah, they're just a bunch of kids!
Guard 3: I'm serious! They've built up a name for themselves collecting monster bounties around town.
- That's actually a really cool and fun introduction haha.

5.
Thorne: Take that monster's head!
The Thorns: Yes sir!

- It is an epic place to end the chapter.

General Thoughts

Spoiler
Off the top of my head the Summary, Narrative and Description tags are throwing me off a little in terms of pacing. For one thing Summaries means you could reveal a character death before the reader wants to see it. I guess an artist needs to know the ins and out, but I'd rather be shocked at what happens than see Summary: Guard 1 is killed. It also saves time writing wise.
I'd also recommend sshort hand for Narrative and Description after a while. Comic Scripts use 'CAP' to indicate narrative captions in the middle of the comic. You could also shorten it somehow, because the thing is I automatically read the entire word out and it gets in the way of the flow.
For script writing unless there are grand errors I generally ignore grammar and spelling (of which I'm quite sure you have a great handle on) So that's always a bonus, I can focus on the presentation alone.
As a first chapter it does its job introducing characters. There are no stakes just yet, but I liked the reveal of the hunters and the Wild Thorns. At first I thought the situation was so dire that hunters would be travelling the world together helping small settlements, so it's surprising to see they managed to build a city.
For this sort of thing, it might be prudent to throw in more details other than 'medival city'. Whats the weather like in this fantasy town? Are the buildings towering or built out of mud and straw? Are there royalty? I'm sure it's the sort of stuff that'll come up later, and I wouldn't say go into development hell or anything and describe every single thing, but landmarks and the like can help an artist or reader get a better picture of how things look.
As a chapter alone its well done. I definitely need to know more to get invested in the characters and see how the plot develops, but it's a well done script.
Hope this helps.
Cheers!
Title: Re: MisterSherbetLemon's Projects
Post by: MisterSherbetLemon on May 29, 2016, 01:26:00 PM
Review Answers
1.
Thanks man! Yeah, it's not just off-putting, it's hella time consuming too! I'm trying to re-write it in a semi-prose style at the moment while making a few changes to the story.

2 and 3.
Yup, you answered it for me. It's explained why there aren't counter measures soon but to sum it up, there's a town wall and monsters haven't gotten in until recently. Introduction Arc covers dealing with the cause of that.

4.
Hm, I was considering cutting down who appears at this stage and just making it Thorne himself but I'm not so sure now as there are relevant characters that I'm unsure how to debut at a later period. Any thoughts?

5.
Hehe this is only half of the first chapter although I considered making the first chapter double the length of future chapters as the end of Chapter 2 has more of a hook than the planned ending for Chapter 1. Thanks though ;D

General Thoughts Response
I've scrapped the summaries as I had the same thoughts and because they just waste time that's better spent actually writing the script. I'll hopefully be updating this soon, hoping to get three or four chapters down then I'm going to begin counting my coins for an artist but I'll have it up for further review to make sure I have it tightened down. Thanks for the comments buddy!
Title: Wild Thorne: Chapter 1 (First Half)
Post by: MisterSherbetLemon on June 29, 2016, 11:20:31 AM
I've finally completed the first chapter of the first original story I began on MR (coincidentally I posted the pitch for this story a year today, hopefully I'll pick up the pace from here on out)! This story has undergone constant changes but I've finally put it together the way I want to.

I'm checking over the second half just now so the full chapter will be up either tonight or tomorrow. In the meantime, I appreciate any feedback on the story so far. ;D

Chapter 1: The Last March (1/2)
Page 1

A fantasy-medieval city in ruins.

Narrative: Legends say that there was once a time of peace
Narrative: Where Humanity ruled the world and knew no fear.

Silhouettes of all manners of beasts. Some bearing weapons and tools, others are like regular animals. Large, small, walking, flying, a wide variety.

Narrative: Then the Calamity gave birth to the “real” monsters of the world.
Narrative: And with their coming, the Empire of Man fell into ruin. 

It is raining heavily. Thousands of people are migrating together through the countryside. On one side of them is a large wooded area.

Narrative: Generations later and we still don't know what caused the Calamity.
Narrative: But that doesn't matter any more.

A shot of a six year old boy walking through the rain beside three men. Man #1 is skinny and a little goofy looking. Man #2 is more muscular with a spiked hairstyle. Man #3 is shorter and his body is more rounded. Thousands of people are behind and in front of them all travelling in the same direction. The outer edges have a thinned out column of soldiers on horseback escorting them.

Narrative: All we have time to think of...
Narrative: ...is staying alive.

Page 2

A few small shots of people in the crowds looking miserable. Some are crying as they walk, others have stern faces. Some look frustrated but generally, they are all clearly fatigued.

A side view of the men walking with the boy.

Man #1: Today's mood is the worst.
Man #2: Where the hell are we anyway?
Man #3: Well, unless I'm mistaken...

Alternate view of the migrants.

Man #3: Pacedonia's rainy season is around this time of year.
Man #3: So we must have already crossed the old borders.
Man #1: Seriously? So we're finally out of Frichard?   
Man #1: Wait...

Close up of Man #1 glaring suspiciously.
Man #1: How do you know it's the rainy season?
Man #1: Since when did you become a damn sage?

Page 3

The other two look at Man #1 like he's an idiot. A few others have turned to look at him too. The rain seems to be getting heavier and everyone is soaking wet.

Man #3: Um...
Man #3: Are you serious?
Man #2: What an idiot...
SFX: Splash!
Man #1: ?

The boy is on the ground on his hands and knees after tripping. Man #1 is shouting at him but with a concerned expression.

Man #1: Hey kid! You okay?
Boy: Yeah...

Man #1 is pulling the boy up by the arm.

Man #1: Get yourself up!
Man #1: Don't go falling behind, y'hear?
Boy: Sorry...
Man #2: Hey, Datto...

A view of the boy brushing himself off. He looks up curiously as the men talk about him.

Man #2: Who's the kid?
Man #2: He's been hanging around you for a few days now.
Man #2: It's kinda annoying.

Man #1/Datto gives an anxious smile. Blake seems alarmed as he shouts at Datto.
 
Man #1/Datto: Oh, hehe...
Datto: I kinda just found him by himself so I invited him along.
Man #3: Are you serious?? You don't just decide to keep a child like that!

Page 4


Datto scratches his head. The boy is looking at him but only the back of his head is on show. Blake is looking at the ground thoughtfully. Side view of Duke while he walks ahead of them, he looks unamused. 

Datto: Well, I couldn't just leave him on his own, could I?
Datto: What was I supposed to do?
Man #3/Blake: Well... I suppose, but...
 Man #2: Hey boy...

Back view. Duke turns back, looking down at the boy.

Man #2: You're going to die out here.
Man #2: You realize that, don't you?

Front view. Duke is still looking behind him, the boy is watching with his mouth in an o-shape. Datto looks angry, Blake looks uncomfortable. 

Blake: Duke, that's not funny!
Datto: He's just a kid asshole!
Man #2/Duke: But it's true.

An aerial view displaying how large the mass of travellers is.
 
Duke: How long have we been travelling like this?
Duke: We go from place to place and all we find are old ruins.

Page 5

Datto shrugging. Blake watching quietly. Duke is facing the front again.

Datto: So what?
Duke: So what I'm saying is,
Duke: How long before a half dead brat like that becomes full dead?

Datto looking pissed off.

Duke: If I were you Datto,
Duke: I wouldn't get too attached.

Side view of Duke with Datto looking towards him and getting angry.

Duke: This isn't a world for children any more,
Duke: If nature doesn't kill him, something else will.
Datto: Duke, you bastard-
 
View of the boy looking up at Duke who is not in the shot.

Duke: You understand what I'm telling you boy?
Boy: Um... 

Close up of the boy. He begins laughing.

Boy: Your hair looks really funny when it's wet!
Boy: Hahaha...

Datto looks at Blake with mild confusion. Blake is looking behind him with a smirk.
 
Datto: Huh?
Duke: [He wasn't listening at all.]
Blake: You know heh...now that I'm looking...

Page 6

The rain has messed up Duke's spiked hairstyle and it has flopped down giving it a mushroom shape or a similar hairstyle to Spock from Star Trek.

Blake: It's kinda like a mushroom!
Datto: The kid's right! You look stupid!
SFX: Hahahahaha...

Duke begins shouting while Datto leans in towards him laughing even harder.

Datto: Don't you know Duke?
Datto: “This isn't a world for bowl cuts any more!”
SFX: hahahahahaha...
Duke: Grrr...
Duke: You little s-

A child's hand reaches up, Duke looks surprised.

Duke: Huh?
Boy/Thorne: My name's Thorne!

Thorne's face, grinning.

Thorne: Let's all be good friends, okay?

Panels of Datto grinning, Blake smiling and Duke giving a smirk despite himself.

Page 7

A map indicating the journey so far. The country of Espya sits to the north east and is the starting point. They have travelled south and then west, passing through Ussan, Akrium, Amaldra, Frichard and are currently travelling through Pacedonia which lies on the south west coast of the continent.

Narrative: When the Kingdom of Espya fell, the Espyan people abandoned their lands and began what is known today as “The Last March Of Espya.”
Narrative: Their final journey in search of a new home.

Blake shoots a crossbow at a wolf-like beast in the woods. The bolt hits it's mark and the beast falls. Other Espyans can be seen in the background.
   
Narrative: It is remembered in history as a time of great suffering.
Narrative: But not everyone remembers it that way.
Blake: I got it!

Blake stands next to Duke with the beast on his back. Duke on the other hand seems to have caught two does and has one slung over each shoulder. Blake looks disheartened, Datto and Thorne are laughing.

Narrative: Rather than bending to the destruction of the Calamity,
Narrative: They learned to survive in their New World...

The four friends are sitting around a camp fire with some other random faces. Thorne is spitting out some kind of meat as if it is disgusting and the others are laughing at him.

Mini panel closing in on Thorne's face as he laughs too.

Narrative:  forming new bonds with those beside them.

Thorne is sitting on Duke's shoulders and they are smiling and talking to each other. A voice calls from off-panel.

Espyan Male #1: Look!

Page 8

On the horizon there is a walled city that seems to be intact. Lights flicker on the walls. The people in front have stopped walking and are staring in awe at something off-panel. A random traveller in the crowd has stepped out and is pointing towards it. Datto and the others are peering out curiously.
 
Datto: Huh? Why have we stopped?
Blake: Is that...a city?

Closer view of the city.

Espyan #1: It doesn't look damaged! Wait...
Espyan #1: What's that on the walls?

At the front of the Espyan refugees, two soldiers are conversing on horseback. One has a telescope and is peering through it.

Soldier #1: Captain Mason, what do you see?

Mason is looking through the telescope, a bead of sweat on his brow.

Mason: It can't be...
Mason: Are those...?
Narrative: Captain Mason, highest ranking officer of Espya's Former Military.

Page 9

Through the telescope, a close up of the city wall is in view. Atop it are several figures all looking in the direction of the refugees. One is waving with both arms while another waves a flag bearing a coat-of-arms.

Mason: Those are people!
Mason: There are human people in there!

Datto, Duke, Blake and Thorne all look dumbstruck, as do the people behind them.

Mason: They're waving at us!
Mason: We're not the only ones left!

Close up of Datto's face

Datto: We're not alone?

As word spreads to the back of the refugees, all of Espya erupts in cheers. Datto and Blake are hugging one another, Duke throws Thorne up who punches his fists in the air. Celebration can be seen all throughout the shot.

Datto: We did it!
Datto: We finally found it!   
[Insert more generic celebratory comments throughout]

Page 10

Another view of the celebrations but the viewpoint is from inside the woods.

Narrative: All of Espya's suffering was briefly forgotten in that moment.
Narrative: Unfortunately...

Inside the woods, silhouettes of horned beasts on two legs all turn in unison in the direction of the cheering.

 Narrative: They also forgot that they weren't safe yet.

Captain Mason turns his horse to face the crowds. His expression is confident and relieved.

Mason: Okay everyone!
Mason: Let's keep moving in an orderly-

Captain Mason's expression turns to fear.

Mason: Oh no...

A stream of monsters come charging out from the woods. They are bipedal and the same size as an average human. They have coats of fur on their backs and heads as well as two horns. Their bones can be seen through their thin bodies and they wield exceedingly sharp claws. Only half of the Espyans seem to have noticed so there is mixed confusion and terror.

Mason: Get back...
Mason: Everyone get back from the woods right now!

2nd half of Chapter 1 will be posted tomorrow after final editing. Just thought I'd get this up now for potential feedback ;)

Title: Re: Wild Thorne
Post by: legomaestro on June 30, 2016, 05:52:53 PM
Spoiler
1 Man #1: Today's mood is the worst.
- I dunno why, but mentioning 'todays mood' felt weird to read for some reason. Works with weather but mood sounded off.

2. Man #1: How do you know it's the rainy season?
Man #1: Since when did you become a damn sage?
- Haha why is it so strange to think its the rainy season when it rains.

3. Man #1/Datto gives an anxious smile. Blake seems alarmed as he shouts at Datto.
 - Hmm, sort of missed who Blake was.

4.
Man #3/Blake: Well... I suppose, but...
 Man #2: Hey boy...
- Ah, now I do

5. Panels of Datto grinning, Blake smiling and Duke giving a smirk despite himself.
- Haha, heart warming moment there. And I guess I know where the title comes from now.

6.
Page 7

A map indicating the journey so far. The country of Espya sits to the north east and is the starting point. They have travelled south and then west, passing through Ussan, Akrium, Amaldra, Frichard and are currently travelling through Pacedonia which lies on the south west coast of the continent.

- Have you drawn a map yet by any chance? Seems like an expansive world in any case. Interesting.

7.
Narrative: When the Kingdom of Espya fell, the Espyan people abandoned their lands and began what is known today as “The Last March Of Espya.”
- Yikes. Instead of a train like from that Iron Fortress anime it's a walk? That's a whole interesting element to the story. So much potential for different plot lines. The way they'll deal with the elements and the threat of monsters while on the move. Attack on Titan alone would be two times freakier if they had to survive in that sort of situation.

8.
Mason: Those are people!
Mason: There are human people in there!
- Oh, I thought they'd be bodies, and scratch my earlier mention! I thought the story would follow them on their march haha.

9.
A stream of monsters come charging out from the woods. They are bipedal and the same size as an average human. They have coats of fur on their backs and heads as well as two horns. Their bones can be seen through their thin bodies and they wield exceedingly sharp claws. Only half of the Espyans seem to have noticed so there is mixed confusion and terror.
Mason: Get back...
Mason: Everyone get back from the woods right now!

- Well this can't possibly end well.

I'll post my full general thoughts at the end of the chapter, but it reads nice methinks. Interetsing characters and more general build up to the start of the story.
Title: Re: Wild Thorne Chapter 1: The Last March (Complete)
Post by: MisterSherbetLemon on July 03, 2016, 01:23:13 PM
Chapter 1: The Last March
Page 1

A fantasy-medieval city in ruins.

Narrative: Legends say that there was once a time of peace
Narrative: Where Humanity ruled the world and knew no fear.

Silhouettes of all manners of beasts. Some bearing weapons and tools, others are like regular animals. Large, small, walking, flying, a wide variety.

Narrative: Then the Calamity gave birth to the “real” monsters of the world.
Narrative: And with their coming, the Empire of Man fell into ruin. 

It is raining heavily. Thousands of people are migrating together through the countryside. On one side of them is a large wooded area.

Narrative: Generations later and we still don't know what caused the Calamity.
Narrative: But that doesn't matter any more.

A shot of a six year old boy walking through the rain beside three men. Man #1 is skinny and a little goofy looking. Man #2 is more muscular with a spiked hairstyle. Man #3 is shorter and his body is more rounded. Thousands of people are behind and in front of them all travelling in the same direction. The outer edges have a thinned out column of soldiers on horseback escorting them.

Narrative: All we have time to think of...
Narrative: ...is staying alive.

Page 2

A few small shots of people in the crowds looking miserable. Some are crying as they walk, others have stern faces. Some look frustrated but generally, they are all clearly fatigued.

A side view of the men walking with the boy.

Man #1: Today's mood is the worst.
Man #2: Where the hell are we anyway?
Man #3: Well, unless I'm mistaken...

Alternate view of the migrants.

Man #3: Pacedonia's rainy season is around this time of year.
Man #3: So we must have already crossed the old borders.
Man #1: Seriously? So we're finally out of Frichard?   
Man #1: Wait...

Page 3

Close up of Man #1 glaring suspiciously.
Man #1: How do you know it's the rainy season?
Man #1: Since when did you become a damn sage?

The other two look at Man #1 like he's an idiot. A few others have turned to look at him too. The rain seems to be getting heavier and everyone is soaking wet.

Man #3: Um...
Man #3: Are you serious?
Man #2: What an idiot...
SFX: Splash!
Man #1: ?

The boy is on the ground on his hands and knees after tripping. Man #1 is shouting at him but with a concerned expression.

Man #1: Hey kid! You okay?
Boy: Yeah...

Man #1 is pulling the boy up by the arm.

Man #1: Get yourself up!
Man #1: Don't go falling behind, y'hear?
Boy: Sorry...
Man #2: Hey, Datto...

A view of the boy brushing himself off. He looks up curiously as the men talk about him.

 Man #2: Who's the kid?
Man #2: He's been hanging around you for a few days now.
Man #2: It's been kinda annoying.

Man #1/Datto gives an anxious smile. Man #3 seems alarmed as he shouts at Datto.
 
Man #1/Datto: Oh, hehe...
Datto: I kinda just found him by himself so I invited him along.
Man #3: Are you serious?? You don't just decide to keep a child like that!

Page 4

Datto scratches his head. The boy is looking at him but only the back of his head is on show. Blake is looking at the ground thoughtfully. Side view of Man #2 while he walks ahead of them, he looks unamused. 

Datto: Well, I couldn't just leave him on his own, could I Blake?
Datto: What was I supposed to do?
Man #3/Blake: Well... I suppose, but...
Man #2: Hey boy...

Back view. Duke turns back, looking down at the boy.

Man #2: You're going to die out here.
Man #2: You realize that, don't you?

Front view. Man #2 is still looking behind him, the boy is watching with his mouth in an o-shape. Datto looks angry, Blake looks uncomfortable. 

Blake: Duke, that's not funny!
Datto: He's just a kid asshole!
Man #2/Duke: But it's true.

An aerial view displaying how large the mass of travellers is.
 
Duke: How long have we been travelling like this?
Duke: We go from place to place and all we find are old ruins.

Page 5

Datto shrugging. Blake watching quietly. Duke is facing the front again.

Datto: So what?
Duke: So what I'm saying is,
Duke: How long before a half dead brat like that becomes full dead?

Datto looking pissed off.

Duke: If I were you Datto,
Duke: I wouldn't get too attached.

Side view of Duke with Datto looking towards him and getting angry.

Duke: This isn't a world for children any more,
Duke: If nature doesn't kill him, something else will.
Datto: Duke, you bastard-
 
View of the boy looking up at Duke who is not in the shot.

Duke: You understand what I'm telling you boy?
Boy: Um... 

Close up of the boy. He begins laughing.

Boy: Your hair looks really funny when it's wet!
Boy: Hahaha...

Datto looks at Blake with mild confusion. Blake is looking behind him with a smirk.
 
Datto: Huh?
Duke: [He wasn't listening at all.]
Blake: You know heh...now that I'm looking...

Page 6

The rain has messed up Duke's spiked hairstyle and it has flopped down giving it a mushroom shape or a similar hairstyle to Spock from Star Trek.

Blake: It's kinda like a mushroom!
Datto: The kid's right! You look stupid!
SFX: Hahahahaha...

Duke begins shouting while Datto leans in towards him laughing even harder.

Datto: Don't you know Duke?
Datto: “This isn't a world for bowl cuts any more!”
SFX: hahahahahaha...
Duke: Grrr...
Duke: You little s-

A child's hand reaches up, Duke looks surprised.

Duke: Huh?
Boy/Thorne: My name's Thorne!

Thorne's face, grinning.

Thorne: Let's all be good friends, okay?

Panels of Datto grinning, Blake smiling and Duke giving a smirk despite himself.

Page 7

A map indicating the journey so far. The country of Espya sits to the north east and is the starting point. They have travelled south and then west, passing through Ussan, Akrium, Amaldra, Frichard and are currently travelling through Pacedonia which lies on the south west coast of the continent.

Narrative: When the Kingdom of Espya fell, the Espyan people abandoned their lands and began what is known today as “The Last March Of Espya.”
Narrative: Their final journey in search of a new home.

Blake shoots a crossbow at a wolf-like beast in the woods. The bolt hits it's mark and the beast falls. Other Espyans can be seen in the background.
   
Narrative: It is remembered in history as a time of great suffering.
Narrative: But not everyone remembers it that way.
Blake: I got it!

Blake stands next to Duke with the beast on his back. Duke on the other hand seems to have caught two does and has one slung over each shoulder. Blake looks disheartened, Datto and Thorne are laughing.

Narrative: Rather than bending to the destruction of the Calamity,
Narrative: They learned to survive in their New World...

The four friends are sitting around a camp fire with some other random faces. Datto has his arm around a woman. Thorne is spitting out some kind of meat as if it is disgusting and the others are laughing at him.

Mini panel closing in on Thorne's face as he laughs too.

Narrative:  forming new bonds with those beside them.

Thorne is sitting on Duke's shoulders and they are smiling and talking to each other. A voice calls from off-panel.

Espyan Male #1: Look!

Page 8

On the horizon there is a walled city that seems to be intact. Lights flicker on the walls. The people in front have stopped walking and are staring in awe at something off-panel. A random traveller in the crowd has stepped out and is pointing towards it. Datto and the others are peering out curiously.
 
Datto: Huh? Why have we stopped?
Blake: Is that...a city?

Closer view of the city.

Espyan #1: It doesn't look damaged! Wait...
Espyan #1: What's that on the walls?

At the front of the Espyan refugees, two officers are conversing on horseback. One has a telescope and is peering through it.

Officer #1: Captain Mason, what do you see?

Mason is looking through the telescope, a bead of sweat on his brow.

Mason: It can't be...
Mason: Are those...?
Narrative: Captain Mason, highest ranking officer of Espya's Former Military.

Page 9

Through the telescope, a close up of the city wall is in view. Atop it are several figures all looking in the direction of the refugees. One is waving with both arms while another waves a flag bearing a coat-of-arms.

Mason: Those are people!
Mason: There are human people in there!

Datto, Duke, Blake and Thorne all look dumbstruck, as do the people behind them.

Mason: They're waving at us!
Mason: We're not the only ones left!

Close up of Datto's face

Datto: We're not alone?

As word spreads to the back of the refugees, all of Espya erupts in cheers. Datto and Blake are hugging one another, Duke throws Thorne up who punches his fists in the air. Celebration can be seen all throughout the shot.

Datto: We did it!
Datto: We finally found it!   
[Insert more generic celebratory comments throughout]

Page 10

Another view of the celebrations but the viewpoint is from inside the woods.

Narrative: All of Espya's suffering was briefly forgotten in that moment.
Narrative: Unfortunately...

Inside the woods, silhouettes of horned beasts on two legs all turn in unison in the direction of the cheering.

 Narrative: They also forgot that they weren't safe yet.

Captain Mason turns his horse to face the crowds. His expression is confident and relieved.

Mason: Okay everyone!
Mason: Let's keep moving in an orderly-

Captain Mason's expression turns to fear.

Mason: Oh no...

Dozens of monsters emerge from the woods. They are bipedal and the same size as an average human. They have coats of fur on their backs and heads as well as two horns. They have an almost skeletal form and exceedingly sharp claws. Only half of the Espyans seem to have noticed so there is mixed confusion and terror.

Mason: Get back...
Mason: Everyone get back right now!

Page 11


A soldier on horseback shouting at his fellow troops.
 
Soldier #1: Stay calm everyone!
Soldier #1: There's more of us than there are of them!

One of the beasts comes barrelling towards the soldier.

Soldier #1: Follow the Captain's orders while we deal with these-

A silhouette shot of the monster slicing into the guard with it's claws. Blood spills from his chest and neck.

The soldier falls. Duke pulls Thorne off his shoulders and he and Datto push Thorne behind them.

Datto: S**t!
Duke: Get behind us kid!
Blake: Wh-what the hell is that thing?

A full body shot of the creature.

Blake: I've never seen anything like it!

Page 12

Panic erupts as refugees flee and soldiers are cut down. Datto, Thorne, Blake and Duke all run as the beast swings a clawed hand at an attacking soldier. The other creatures are doing the same, attacking anyone they can reach.

Datto: Never mind that now!
Datto: We need to move!
Duke: Agreed!

Mason attempts to rally the nearby men.

Mason: Everyone, make for the hilltop!

The people flee as the slaughter begins. Soldiers charge at the beasts, swords and spears poised for battle. 

Mason: Soldiers, cover the retreat of the refugees!
   
The next few panels show the engagements as Mason and the other soldiers try to cover the rear. Claws tear through the armor of the Espyan soldiers but the beasts only pay heed to their nearest target whether it be soldier or civilian.

Page 13

A large cape flutters as the wearer walks up a stairwell towards sunlight.

Several men in guard's attire stand on the walls of the city looking down with mixed anxiety and shock. Their uniforms are different from the soldiers of Espya, particularly their head wear. While the Espyan helms resemble gladiator helmets, the guards on the walls have kettle helmets. Some are averting their eyes from the scene below. A voice calls out off-panel.

Voice: So it's true...
Guard #1: Oh!

The wearer of the cape is revealed. He is a stout looking man with short hair and a thick white moustache. He is escorted by two others; a woman wearing a large hooded cloak around her and a young male scribe. 

Guard #1: Chancellor Cain!
Cain: Who is in charge here?

Guard #2: Um, that would be me sir!
Guard #2: Guard Captain Alwick, 2nd East Wall Division, sir!
Cain: Alwick, tell me...

Cain: Are you f***ing blind?
Cain: Do not see there are people dying down there?

Cain: Why have we not opened the gates?
Alwick: Uh...well...Y'see...
Guard #1: Respectfully sir!

Guard #1: The unknown force approached from the Wildland borders and their origins are currently unknown!
Guard #1: Captain Alwick thought it best to wait until we could acquire more information after the battle had ended...
Cain: Battle?

Page 14
 
Cain: Does that look like a battle to you, you fool!?
Cain: That's a goddamn slaughter out there!
 
Cain: Get that gate open right now!
Cain: We'll deal with the fiends once those people are safely inside.
Scribe: They won't make it to the gate.

Side view of the Scribe looking out over the wall.

Scribe: Look...

Mason looks on in shock as the remnants of his guards flee from the fiends ascending the hill after them.

Scribe: Their rear guard has crumbled.
Espyan Soldier #1: Run for your lives!
Espyan Soldier #2: Screw this! I don't wanna die!

Mason on horseback is alone as the fiends march towards him.

Scribe: Nothing is stopping those beasts now.
Mason: Stop...
Mason: Where are you all going?

Page 15

Mason looks at the soldiers fleeing up the hill.

Mason: Don't you understand?
Mason: We have a duty to fulfil...

A fiend behind Mason raises it's claw to strike.

Mason: Why are you abandoning your countrymen?

The claw swipes.

Mason's head turns towards the beast.

Mason: !

Mason's horse rears up as he turns his head to face the fiend, sword raised.

The claws tear through the horse's neck and keeps coming.

The claws tear through Mason's face and his left eye is completely torn out alongside a good portion of his face. He cries out as he falls back.

Page 16


Silhouette of the fiends continuing to advance while Mason falls to the ground

Mason: Come back you cowards...

Silhouette of Mason's horse falls in the same direction as him, crushing him.

Mason: We have... to protect...
SFX: Crunch.

Thorne is the one person who looks back as Mason falls. Thorne stops as the Espyans flee in terror around him. Datto calls after him but they don't stop.

Datto: Thorne, what are you doing?

Thorne stares towards the fiends, sad and frightened.

Thorne: Nobody's fighting any more...
Duke puts a hand on Thorne's shoulder as Thorne tears up.

Duke: Come on, boy.
Duke: We can't stop now.

Duke lifts up Thorne.

Duke continues running with Thorne in his arms. Thorne looks back at the field of dead as the fiends advance up the hill.
 
Page 17
 
The spectators on the wall look on in shock, more so at the advance of the fiends towards the refugees than at any one death.   

Cain: When did I last see
Cain: So much death?

The Cloaked Woman pulls a small vial out from under her cloak.

Cloaked Woman: Chancellor...

Cain looks at her as she uncorks the vial.

Cloaked Woman: Please make the preparations to receive the approaching refugees.

Cain's face, alarmed and fearful.

Cloaked Woman: I shall deal with the beasts.
SFX: Pop!
Cain: !

Cain's hand grabs the Cloaked woman's wrist as she raises the vial to her mouth.
 
Cain: No, Davyna!

Page 18

Cain holding Davyna's wrist and shouting at her.

Cain: Don't be reckless!
Cain: You're in no condition to be on the field!

Cain and Davyna staring each other down as they argue.

Cain: If you drink that, you could-
Cloaked Woman/Davyna: I am perfectly aware of the risks.

Davyna's face, a determined look on her face.

Davyna: But I will not simply stand and watch those people dying outside our walls.

Cain grits his teeth.

Davyna: That is not what I was made for.

Cain's features relax.

Cain relaxes his grip on Davyna's wrist as he bows his head in resignation .

SFX: Sigh
Cain: So be it.

Page 19

Davyna drinks the vial.
SFX: Gulp.

Davyna exhales as she finishes the vial.

Davyna begins to walk towards the stairway they came from, her face concealed by her cloak.

Cain watches her go.

Cain: Davyna...

Page 20

Datto and co are still running but the fiends have caught up and are killing people on both sides of them.

Blake: They're all around us!
Blake: We're not going to make it!
Datto: Just shut up and run!

A soldier flies over their heads alongside pieces of his horse. His neck breaks gruesomely as he lands head first.

Duke: Watch out!

Datto passes the dead soldier.

Datto: S**t s**t s**t s**t!
Datto: This is f****ed up!

Datto sees a woman fall to her knees crying. It's the same woman that Datto had his arm around at the campfire on page 7.

Woman: Please...leave me alone!

Datto's face in horror with a faded image of the campfire panel as the background.

Datto: Everyone we've travelled with...
Datto: ...laughed and suffered with... 
Datto: ...are dying!

The woman kneels on the ground facing away from the fiend above her

Datto: Are we all going to die here?
Woman: I can't keep going...Please...

Datto's face, grieving.

SFX: Screaming.

Page 21

Datto closes his eyes and tries to run faster. Blake points at something off panel.

Datto: This is so so so f***ed!
Blake: Look!

The gate of the city shudders into motion.
 
Blake: The gate's...they're opening!

Thorne turns his head to look forward towards the gate.

Blake: Just a little further and we'll be safe behind those walls!

Blake grins through his fatigue.

Blake: Then it'll be time to enjoy a whole new life away from all this!

Thorne turns to face Blake with a grin of his own but a second panel shows that grin turn to fear. 
 
Blake: Think you can handle that Thorne?   

Blake is still smiling as the claws of a fiend shreds through Blake at lightning speed from his torso up through his head.

Blake: What?

An explosion of blood.

Page 22

Blake's blood sprays across Duke who tries to shield Thorne but Thorne is reaching out towards Blake.

Narrative: When the Kingdom of Espya fell, the Espyan people abandoned their lands and began what is known today as “The Last March Of Espya.”

Datto is charging towards Blake, tears in his eyes.

Narrative: Their final journey in search of a new home.

The fiend rises up from it's strike and is looking forward towards the hand Thorne has stretched out. It's poised to strike again and Duke sees Datto coming.

Narrative: It is remembered in history as a time of great suffering.
Narrative: But not everyone remembers it that way.

Duke looks at Thorne.

Narrative: When I hear that I wonder...
Duke: Sorry boy...

Duke throws Thorne towards Datto with his right arm. A side view shows Thorne colliding with Datto as the fiend swings it's claws at Duke.

Narrative: How could anyone remember it differently?
Duke: ...but there's no way I'm not letting you die out here.

Page 23

The gate opens and a single rider comes out of the city.

The rider is revealed to be Davyna, her face concealed under her cloak.

The cloak is thrown off and flies into the wind. Chancellor Cain can be seen watching from the walls.

Cain: "Return in good health and riches..."

Davyna's face is revealed under the cloak. The veins on Davyna's face and neck are bulging unnaturally. She opens her eyes and there are unnatural cracks flowing within them like broken ice. Under the cloak she wears leather armor with a collection of tools and weapons strapped to her body including a flintlock pistol. In her right hand she wields a large trident. She has a great aura surrounding her body as she rides out.

Cain: “Huntress.”

(Stick around for Chapter 2: Refuge coming soon!)
Title: Re: Wild Thorne
Post by: MisterSherbetLemon on July 03, 2016, 01:31:39 PM
Spoiler
1 Man #1: Today's mood is the worst.
- I dunno why, but mentioning 'todays mood' felt weird to read for some reason. Works with weather but mood sounded off.

2. Man #1: How do you know it's the rainy season?
Man #1: Since when did you become a damn sage?
- Haha why is it so strange to think its the rainy season when it rains.

3. Man #1/Datto gives an anxious smile. Blake seems alarmed as he shouts at Datto.
 - Hmm, sort of missed who Blake was.

4.
Man #3/Blake: Well... I suppose, but...
 Man #2: Hey boy...
- Ah, now I do

5. Panels of Datto grinning, Blake smiling and Duke giving a smirk despite himself.
- Haha, heart warming moment there. And I guess I know where the title comes from now.

6.
Page 7

A map indicating the journey so far. The country of Espya sits to the north east and is the starting point. They have travelled south and then west, passing through Ussan, Akrium, Amaldra, Frichard and are currently travelling through Pacedonia which lies on the south west coast of the continent.

- Have you drawn a map yet by any chance? Seems like an expansive world in any case. Interesting.

7.
Narrative: When the Kingdom of Espya fell, the Espyan people abandoned their lands and began what is known today as “The Last March Of Espya.”
- Yikes. Instead of a train like from that Iron Fortress anime it's a walk? That's a whole interesting element to the story. So much potential for different plot lines. The way they'll deal with the elements and the threat of monsters while on the move. Attack on Titan alone would be two times freakier if they had to survive in that sort of situation.

8.
Mason: Those are people!
Mason: There are human people in there!
- Oh, I thought they'd be bodies, and scratch my earlier mention! I thought the story would follow them on their march haha.

9.
A stream of monsters come charging out from the woods. They are bipedal and the same size as an average human. They have coats of fur on their backs and heads as well as two horns. Their bones can be seen through their thin bodies and they wield exceedingly sharp claws. Only half of the Espyans seem to have noticed so there is mixed confusion and terror.
Mason: Get back...
Mason: Everyone get back from the woods right now!

- Well this can't possibly end well.

I'll post my full general thoughts at the end of the chapter, but it reads nice methinks. Interetsing characters and more general build up to the start of the story.

Finally replying to this :P

Spoiler
1. Was aiming for this to be aimed more at the mood of the refugees due to the weather, I'll possibly edit that.

2. It's just reference to Datto being a bit of an idiot. ;)

3 and 4. Ah I should've just put Man #3 there until his name came into conversation...if i didn't already, need to double check.

5. He's not quite wild yet but yeah haha.

6. I have one on my whiteboard but it just has the rough deets for now. A lot of it is pre-calamity references though and won't be all that relevant in the big picture.

7 and 8. Nah, the story begins at the end of their journey. Who knows, if I get far with this I may do a prequel, got a particular love for the character of Mason so who knows. :P 

9. Sayin nothing haha.

Thanks man! Hope you enjoy the rest of it!