MangaRaiders

Manga Writers => Develop Your Story => Topic started by: Robin Ryuu on April 12, 2015, 04:22:11 PM


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Title: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on April 12, 2015, 04:22:11 PM
(http://orig02.deviantart.net/41a7/f/2017/027/1/8/grey_home_for_strays_by_robinryuu-dawxr0b.png)


Grimdark, Fantasy, Action, Adventure, Romance, Drama, and Tragedy.

This story follows Thomas Grey, a half-wolf boy, and his meeting and acceptance into the Strays. The Strays were originally a small band of misfit roaming bounty hunters, but circumstances caused them to create a guild to house their growing "family". The reason for the change? That would be because of Jasper, a young dhampir girl.
 
If I were to summarize the theme of the story it would likely be "The struggle of accepting oneself even when the world doesn't."


I'm currently rewriting everything. None of what I have posted it up to date.

Chapter 0: Premonition of Unease (Ready for Review)
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg270495.html#msg270495 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg270495.html#msg270495)
Chapter 1: Creeping Shadows (Ready for Review)
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg278116.html#msg278116 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg278116.html#msg278116)

My other projects.
Lunar Legend (A Novel)
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,17381.msg275754.html#msg275754 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,17381.msg275754.html#msg275754)
Melody Box (A Novel)
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,12742.msg217210.html#msg217210 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,12742.msg217210.html#msg217210)
Dragon's Curse (A Comic)
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,18311.msg283347.html#msg283347 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,18311.msg283347.html#msg283347)
Lyoko Recoded (A Fan-fic)
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,15516.msg250652.html#msg250652 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,15516.msg250652.html#msg250652)
Robin's Sketchbook (My Art)
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,11730.msg195728.html#msg195728 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,11730.msg195728.html#msg195728)
Title: Re: Grey - Info Links
Post by: Robin Ryuu on April 12, 2015, 04:22:49 PM
If you do not want spoilers then I suggest not clicking these.


Info Links

Arc/Chapter Summaries
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg247186.html#msg247186 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg247186.html#msg247186)
Writing and Art Statuses
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg264108.html#msg264108 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg264108.html#msg264108)
Character List
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg245934.html#msg245934 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg245934.html#msg245934)
Wolf-folk + Half-wolf Info
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg245941.html#msg245941 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg245941.html#msg245941)
Random World Building Info
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg248318.html#msg248318 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg248318.html#msg248318)
Song List
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg271144.html#msg271144 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg271144.html#msg271144)

Non-Canon

WhiteCrow's Character Crossover Event
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg250483.html#msg250483 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg250483.html#msg250483)
Title: Re: My story WIP - Needs a name - Help wanted
Post by: Sincerest-Wish on April 12, 2015, 10:35:14 PM
How about this group is formed of all freaky characters that are different from other humans, and want to prove that all monsters are not the same thus they fight the mindless monsters that do evil? They could be compared to our world's freak shows, you know, the groups that travel to carnivals and shows and whatnot to perform. Both are the same in which they long for acceptance. Thus the title "Freak Show" would make sense.
Title: Re: My story WIP - Needs a name - Help wanted
Post by: WhiteCrow on April 12, 2015, 10:57:55 PM
Your male MC looks like someone who has had a hard life, so kudos to that.

Your female MC seems a little misplaced and I think it's because of her hair design, albeit unique, I think in order for the hair to not stand out too much in what seems to be a Grimm world (all imo) is to give her stronger eyes.

I can't really think of a unique title seeing as I don't know about the overall focus of the story, but if I had to take a stab at it... Grey.
Title: Re: Grey - Help wanted
Post by: Robin Ryuu on April 13, 2015, 12:11:51 AM
Quote
How about this group is formed of all freaky characters that are different from other humans, and want to prove that all monsters are not the same thus they fight the mindless monsters that do evil? They could be compared to our world's freak shows, you know, the groups that travel to carnivals and shows and whatnot to perform. Both are the same in which they long for acceptance. Thus the title "Freak Show" would make sense.
The group is composed of humans, half breeds, monsters, and a couple demons, all in the group for their own reasons. An odd assortment indeed, however they are not the primary focus of the story. In fact if I write this as a one-shot then they would only be briefly mentioned.


Quote
Your female MC seems a little misplaced and I think it's because of her hair design, albeit unique, I think in order for the hair to not stand out too much in what seems to be a Grimm world (all imo) is to give her stronger eyes.
Well my art style is still evolving, but I'll see what I can do.

Quote
I can't really think of a unique title seeing as I don't know about the overall focus of the story, but if I had to take a stab at it... Grey.
"Grey"... I like it. It's simple, yet it suits it.
Title: Re: Grey
Post by: Robin Ryuu on November 18, 2015, 12:29:11 PM
Digging this topic up since this is the story that my characters that I'm using for the cross over event are from. Might be best to ignore the info provided above until I can update it.

I've been considering turning this story into a light novel rather than my original plan for a comic. It would cut down on the time it would take to put out chapters and with the written format I would be able to focus more on what is going on inside the characters heads.

Another change that I have been thinking of is that I'd like to change the title. I'm not sure what to yet, but I have a general idea. I'd like for the title to be the same as the orphanage/team that Jasper's adoptive father created.

The orphanage is filled with mostly mixed blood kids that the team has found on their demon slaying travels. Since almost no one in this world is fond of mixed-bloods, no one adopts them. The team and the kids are mostly one big growing family.

Jasper also started a rehabilitation center for animals and some of the more harmless demons/monsters.
Title: Re: Grey - Character List
Post by: Robin Ryuu on November 18, 2015, 01:11:15 PM
This contains spoilers... and it's incomplete and subject to changes.

Character List     
Primary

Thomas Grey and Jasper Lenz     
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg245938.html#msg245938 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg245938.html#msg245938)

Secondary

Milo Lenz     
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg260195.html#msg260195 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg260195.html#msg260195)
Hexus ??? and Morgan Lauritz     
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg247765.html#msg247765 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg247765.html#msg247765)

Tertiary



Antagonists

Fang Shivermoon     
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg246788.html#msg246788 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg246788.html#msg246788)


Title: Re: Grey - Thomas' Info + Jasper's Info
Post by: Robin Ryuu on November 18, 2015, 01:20:04 PM
Thomas
Character Info

Info box #1
Full Name: Thomas Grey
Gender: Male
Their age: 17
Species: Half wolf-folk (werewolf), half human.
Their personality: Would prefer to live a quiet life and hates having to be chased everywhere just because he's a half breed. He is a neat freak. Likes to sight see when traveling to new places. He hates fighting and prefers to run when confronted. His relationships end at acquaintance because he doesn't want to betray the trust of others. He tries to act cheerful, but is lonely. Thomas is laid back and is usually passive when it comes to inevitable changes.
Things they like: Calm, rain, early morning walks, cats, clean habitat, cold, sleep.
Things they dislike: Danger, work, bright sunlight, filth, blood, fighting, heat, crowds.
Info Box #2 (AoC sheet - some info)
Name: Thomas Grey

Main or Secondary: Main

Sex: Male

Race: Half wolf-folk (werewolf), Half human (Werewolves are a race in my story, not cursed humans.)

Age: 17

Height: 5'9"

Personality: If someone were to describe him they'd say that he's a good guy, a hard worker. But on the inside he's just a lonely person trying to distract himself from his painful life. He doesn't form bonds with others easily due to his fear of hurting someone, which in his mind is inevitable. He's also quite the neat freak and a bit of a germophobe.

How do they speak: Normal around people he knows, politely around strangers.

Physical description: A young man with medium length black hair and gray eyes. He wears a gray travel coat, black pants, boots, and gloves. The curious thing about his apparel is that he wears it even when it's very hot. Under these are claws and large patches of fur. He has semi-dog like ears on the sides of his head hidden under his hair and he also has fangs.

Abilities: He is stronger and faster than normal humans. He also has a better sense of hearing and smell. Lots of stamina.

Powers: Can understand animals, mostly wolves and canines.

Weakness: He's a forcefully recruited demon slayer that wants nothing to do with fighting. He typically runs away from fights unless he thinks that he can help in some way. He has next to no combat experience. He hates seeing/smelling blood. Very loud noises. (Expressing/controlling emotions. Experiencing extreme emotions may cause the maiming of others...)

Combat Type: Reluctant/Untrained/Adaptable. Physical attacks only. (fury frenzy)

MOVE 1: Heightened Senses - Thomas can often detect approaching danger due to his superb sense of smell and hearing.

MOVE 2: Flee - He's a coward when it comes to fighting so he runs more often than not. He's fast.

MOVE 3: Hide - Since this is what he has been doing for most of his life he is quite good at it. He is often able to hide with minimal cover.

MOVE 4: Bite - "Eww..."

MOVE 5: Scratch - His normal method of attack. He can do a decent amount of damage with it though.

Super 1: Wolf's Instinct (Anger) - When enraged to extreme levels (hatred for someone who killed a friend, betrayal, etc) Thomas gives in to his instincts and... well becomes practically the opposite of who he was before. He will kill the person who angered him, probably ripping them apart. And if a someone, a friend perhaps, tries to stop him... well... bye bye.

Super 2: Wolf's Instinct (Fear) - If he fears for his own life then the results will be the same as above, however if he fears for the life of another then that changes things. He will be driven by his instincts, but this time he's in control. He will still be able to fight to his fullest, but he will protect his comrades and functions with a fairly rational mind. Also he goes for more of a clean kill with this one rather than a bloody massacre.

Art

Picture #1 (Not drawn by me.)
(http://fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2015/055/f/b/thomas_grey_by_robinryuu-d8je1pt.png)
Picture #2
(http://th09.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2015/059/6/2/thomas_grey_by_robinryuu-d8jt2tk.png)
Picture #3
(http://pre00.deviantart.net/c546/th/pre/f/2015/324/3/d/thomas_by_robinryuu-d9hd842.png)
Thomas' wolf form
(http://img00.deviantart.net/a67d/i/2016/017/4/c/thomas_wolf_form_by_robinryuu-d9ntor8.png)

Jasper
Character Info

Info box #1
Alias: Jasper Lenz
Real Name:  :tongue:
Gender: Female
Their age: 16
Species: Dhampir (Half vampire, Half human).
Background Info: A halfblood who spent the first half of her life raised in a redlight district of vampire territory. She then later ran away and was found and accepted into a group of bounty hunters called the "Strays".
Their personality: Jasper is headstrong and reckless, but she also cares for the well being of others. She is temperamental and is rough with her words, even when she is trying to be kind. She hates the way strangers scorn her, but refuses to let that hamper her. Is smarter than she tends to act.
Things they like: Success, praise, boyish things, and her adoptive father and his team, kids, animals.
Things they dislike: Failure, weakness, complaints, dresses, strangers, and discrimination.
Fear(s): Having a lack of control over any situation, being trapped in small spaces, men.
Weapon(s): Dual enchanted daggers and some magic. Can summon several familiars.
Other: She normally has red eyes, but she can change them to green if she concentrates.
Info Box #2 (AoC sheet - some info)
Name: Jasper Lenz

Main or Secondary: Main

Sex: Female

Race: Dhampir (Half vampire, Half human) - (Vampires are a race in my story, not undead/cursed humans.)

Age: 16

Height: 5'3"

Personality: She is usually cocky, blunt, and rough to friends and enemies alike. She can be harsh and sarcastic if you annoy her, which is easy to do. She is friendly and nice to children and animals however.

How do they speak: Normal, though she doesn't hide the fact that she gets annoyed by "useless" chatter.

Physical description: Has a very boyish appearance and her mannerisms also lead many people to think that she's male. She has red eyes and red tipped black hair. Her clothes are mostly shades of crimson and black.

Abilities: She is stronger and faster than normal humans.

Powers: Life Magic

Weakness: Rash and quick to jump to conclusions. She is also not used to working in a team.

Combat Type: An instinctive fighter that uses her prior knowledge of her target to aid herself when fighting. She uses both magic and her daggers.

MOVE 1: Dual Daggers - Jasper has 2 daggers that she carries concealed within her sleeves. Her speed and strength allow her to quickly overwhelm most opponents.

MOVE 2: Cursed Dagger (right) Bloodletter - Jasper's right dagger has a curse that hinders the healing abilities of her opponents. She must be wary of letting the fight drag on if she uses the dagger's special ability since it drains her life force as she uses it. The effect ends when she stops using the daggers ability or runs out of stamina.

MOVE 3: Cursed Dagger (left) Shadow Slicer - The curse of the left dagger allows the wielder to cut shadows. The damage done to the shadow is mimicked on the real body like a voodoo doll. There are limitations with this ability however as Jasper must exert as much strength as it would take to cut the actual object. So basically if she can't cut a wall then trying to cut it's shadow will do no good. However the size of the shadow also has an effect. The larger the shadow compared to the real thing the less dense it is, but a smaller area will be cut. The opposite is true for a shadow that is smaller than the main body.

MOVE 4: Summon Steed - Jasper has a spirit horse familiar named Smokey. If summoned Smokey will come forth from the spirit world as a cloud of dark smoke. He is more intelligent than a normal horse and can understand the human language. He will obey only Jasper unless she commands him to obey someone else as well. He is impervious to all physical attacks as he will simply turn into a cloud of smoke and reform. He doesn't tire like a normal horse would, but he can only stay as long as Jasper is conscious. Jasper is able to fight while riding him if necessary. Jasper pampers him and often summons him to brush his hair and talk to him.

Jasper's horse - Not drawn by me.
Spoiler
(http://img09.deviantart.net/9260/i/2015/101/a/1/jasper_s_horse_by_robinryuu-d8pdlaf.png)

MOVE 6: Heal - She can use magic to heal minor wounds on herself and others. She's not very good with this spell.
______

Super 1: Blood Sacrifice - By sacrificing a dangerous amount of her own blood (life force) she can temporarily boost her own physical attributes.

Super 2: Forbidden Blood Magic - By sacrificing the blood and life of another she can extend her own life and become much stronger. This particular spell is the reason behind the Vampire race's infamy. Jasper has resolved to never use it even at the cost of her life.

Art

Picture #1 (Not drawn by me.)
(http://fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2015/055/8/9/jasper_lenz_by_robinryuu-d8je2pq.png)
Picture #2
(http://pre11.deviantart.net/670c/th/pre/i/2015/068/9/b/jasper_lenz_by_robinryuu-d8l4hms.png)
Picture #3
(http://img00.deviantart.net/8c79/i/2015/364/8/4/jasper_lenz_sketches_by_robinryuu-d9m4t7s.png)
Title: Re: Grey - Ask me questions!
Post by: Robin Ryuu on November 18, 2015, 01:36:22 PM
Alright, I have cleaned up the info in the posts and made everything tidy.  :D

Feel free to comment here if you have any questions about the story, world, and/or characters. I am the most creative when trying to explain stuff.  ;)
Title: Re: Grey - Wolf-folk Info + Half-wolf Info
Post by: Robin Ryuu on November 18, 2015, 02:19:06 PM
Wolf-folk
Wolf-folk are my story's version of the werewolf.

Instead of humans that suddenly turn into a wolf during the full moon, the wolf-folk in my story are a race that gradually transform throughout the course of the lunar cycle. They appear as a large wolf during the full moon, on the gibbous moons they appear as a bipedal wolf, on the crescent moons they look like hairy humans, and during the new moon they look completely human.

However it is not only their appearances that change, but also their personalities. As they are closer to human form they might cherish human values, but as they become more wolf like their personalities become more wolf like as well. A young werewolf might be given a doll when they are human and play house with it, but when the same child plays with it in wolf form it might become a chew toy.

Half-wolf
Any hybrid that contains wolf-folk blood is a half-wolf.

Half-wolves' bodies tend to be a mixture of the different forms. Most halves are stillborn because their anatomy doesn't match up. Survivors are rare. Also half-wolves do not transform like their parent and they are stuck in a the form that they are born as.

A problem that halves can develop is a personality disorder. Like their bodies their minds also have the mix up of human/wolf personalities. Their mindset change doesn't depend on the moon phase, but rather their emotions. The general rule is that if the half looks mostly like a wolf they will feel mostly wolf and might develop human qualities every so often. And if the half looks mostly human then they will feel like that and may feel wolf like at times. But if/when they develop the personality change halves will typically become quite violent and ruthless, more so than a full blooded werewolf during the full moon. This is because they are not used to the change of instincts and when it occurs they are usually at an emotional extreme.
Title: Re: Grey - Help wanted
Post by: Funkermonster on November 19, 2015, 04:47:12 AM
Based on what I just read, this story is about a team of mixed-breed kids at an orphanage hunting demons while tryng to become accepted by humans? aybe its just me but I didn't really see you write a synopsis so I found it a bit hard to get what the main point/concept of this is supposed to be, so maybe try to write one in a small paragraph answering these two questions: Who is the main character? What are his/her goals? That way, we get a better idea of what's going on in a short way, then comes the fun part.

And regarding your info boxes, I have another thing to say:
Quote
Full Name: Thomas Grey
Gender: Male
Their age: 17
Species: Half wolf-folk (werewolf), half human.
Background Info: Born from the union of a werewolf and a human and is hunted due to this. His parents died when they were attacked by a stronger monster/demon and held it off so that Thomas could escape. He regrets not helping, but there was nothing he could do.
 He is always on the run and rarely socializes with people due to the fact that he would frighten them if they found out what he was. Makes a living by doing odd jobs, stuff like repairing roofs, field work, deliveries, cleaning... Pretty much anything that he could do once and be payed for the work. He didn't want to be tied to any companies in case he had to run.
Their personality: Would prefer to live a quiet life and hates having to be chased everywhere just because he's a half breed. He is a neat freak. Likes to sight see when traveling to new places. He hates fighting and prefers to run when confronted. His relationships end at acquaintance because he doesn't want to betray the trust of others. He tries to act cheerful, but is lonely. Thomas is laid back and is usually passive when it comes to inevitable changes.
Things they like: Calm, rain, early morning walks, cats, clean habitat, cold, sleep.
Things they dislike: Danger, work, bright sunlight, filth, blood, fighting, heat, crowds.
See the words in red & glow.You might not agree with this, but I think it was a bad idea to describe your characters' personality and background info before you actually write it, and I highly recommend changing that.

I'm gonna um, stop you here because telling a personality is a common mistake among many beginner writers (myself included, but I took it to an even further extent :() and its usually not a great idea to do this for 2 reasons:

1. It gives a bit of a spoiler on what to expect when we actually get to reading it, which kinda takes away some of the fun of reading something that's supposed to be surprising. It'd be like I told you a character is a tsundere or something and then have the story about it, now that wouldn't be fun if I already told you what to expect, would it?
2. It doesn't really make much of an impact on the reader because we just learned about them through summary instead of action & thought. If you were to show that instead, we could get to know what actions they committed, their reasoning behind it, or maybe even a small peak into what they're thinking at that point.

Incorporating the idea of "show, don't tell" is my suggestion. Like if Thomas is lonely and a neatfreak like you say, why not have him perform some actions that show he feels and why so? By just telling that, you're essentially saying to the reader what they are supposed to think, it makes it look like you couldn't find a better way to convey it than to straight up tell us, which doesn't really impress much. We don't really need people to tell us the nature of a character, we can decide so ourselves based on what he/she says, does and thinks.

http://www.deviantart.com/art/Writer-s-Tip-Show-don-t-tell-382678069
http://www.deviantart.com/art/Show-It-Don-t-Tell-It-449648924

I also would advise against telling a backstory like that too. Not only does it give a spoiler as well, but its essentially an info dump told at the beginning of a story that's very likely to bore your readers and make them lose any interest in your story that they would've otherwise had. As said before, its best to indirectly describe a character, and we should learn about them gradually as we read along through it. By telling about your char's childhood or trauma or something like that is a bit like telling your deepest, darkest secrets to someone you just met. As the writer, I know you must love your characters, but we ourselves aren't quite there yet. Its just like with real-life relationships with your friends, your readers' relationships with the character needs to go through stages before we learn their backstory or anything: strangers, acquaintances, friends, and then go through with the secret stuff. After all, how would you feel if someone random started telling you about the problems of themselves or someone else you don't know?
http://www.writingforward.com/news-announcements/guest-posts/nailing-novels-first-chapter
http://www.livewritethrive.com/2012/01/11/hold-back-the-back-story/
http://writerunboxed.com/2013/04/22/april/

Overall, the story concept sounds interesting enough (it could end up going the cliche' route if you're not careful tho) but I think you're giving too much away here before going with the first chapter. I'd personally delete some of that stuff from the info box if I were you, and instead focus n the story synopsis and just go full speed ahead with the first chapter. Don't just tell us what we're supposed to see your character as,  let us get to know your characters ourselves and slowly (slowly being a key word here) describe them with indirect characterization through their actions, quotes, and thoughts and we'll find our own views on them. Do that, and you'll be well on your way  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Grey - Help wanted
Post by: Robin Ryuu on November 19, 2015, 04:07:14 PM
I didn't write a synopsis because I am not yet sure in which direction I wish to take the story. I am torn between having the story be done in the normal way, or if I would rather go the short story route. The normal way would have Thomas and Jasper as the main characters and they would proceed towards a final goal. The short story route would basically have a different main character for each mini story and tell the stories of the world.

In all honesty, I love world building and cheating backstories for characters, but when I get to actually trying to create a plot for said story I freeze. I simply can not or have not been able to find an overarching plot that I find interesting enough to make the story follow.



As for the second part of what you wrote I'm honestly a bit confused as to why it's a problem.
Yes, handing a big chunk of info to the readers is a bad idea when you are presenting the actual written story and I'm not planning to. But this one is in the concept stages and the info was put there for any one who wish to test me when it comes to developing the characters. I have it labeled as "Info" as well so of course it contains their information. Plus, it's in a spoiler tag so saying that people will get spoiled... duh. Their choice to read it.

In short... if you're worried about getting spoilers then wait for the finished product.  ;)
Title: Re: Grey - Fang's Info
Post by: Robin Ryuu on December 06, 2015, 06:09:17 PM
Fang is a character that appears twice in the story. Both times trigger a change in Thomas' personality.

Character Info
Full Name: Fang Shivermoon
Alias: Demon of the North
Gender: Male
Their age: 100+
Species: Half-wolf / Dhampir (Half vampire, Half wolf-folk).
Background Info: Fang is a monster, a demon of combat. He appears to be more like a deformed giant bear rather than anything resembling a wolf. He has lived his life killing most anyone unfortunate enough to cross his path. He becomes stronger and his lifespan increases every time kills due to his vampiric blood and abilities. He was originally from a clan in the north, but gradually made his way south.
Special ability: Free form transformation. (Can transform to human or wolf regardless of the moon's current cycle.)
Their personality: He delights in bloody combat. He kills no matter who the opponent, woman or child, and has no regrets about it.
Things they like: Fighting, killing, blood, meat, strength.
Things they dislike: Weakness, growing old, begging.
Other Info: Has red eyes, graying dirty blonde hair, a missing fang, and he walks with a limp.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on December 15, 2015, 08:07:51 AM
Yay! I finally found a title I like.  ;D

Grey: Home for Strays
(http://orig06.deviantart.net/8b59/f/2015/347/9/7/thomas_plushy_by_robinryuu-d9k2o77.png)
Have a plushy Thomas. :3
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on December 15, 2015, 04:21:12 PM
Updated the first post to include a story synopsis.  8)
Title: Re: Grey - Summaries
Post by: Robin Ryuu on December 15, 2015, 07:59:39 PM
I will be keeping summaries for the story's current progress here. I'll try to remember to update this as I post new parts.



Contains spoilers!
(If you wish to discuss a part that I have not written to yet please put it in a spoiler tag along with a warning for those who are reading along.)


Arc 1: The Battle of Evansburg (In Progress)
A wanted halfwolf and a dhampir bounty hunter coincidently meet after arriving in a demon plagued town.

Ch. 0: Premonition of Unease (In Progress)
Jasper is given a mission to hunt a strong demon that is plaguing a town. /Spoilers ->/ Later that day the demon claims yet another victim.
Ch. 1: Creeping Shadows (In Progress)
Thomas arrives at the same town that Jasper was sent to and "witnesses" a kill by the demon which is revealed to be a team of two killers. Jasper finds Thomas at the scene, mistakes him for the culprit, and proceeds to attack him. Meanwhile, one of the real culprits, a black dog spirit companion, is still nearby and attacks Jasper while she is distracted. Jasper recovers and turns her attention towards her attacker /Spoilers ->/ while Thomas takes the chance to begin running away. Thomas stops however and he attempts to distract the demon when he sees that she is having trouble. Enraged by his actions, the black dog turns it's attack towards him instead causing Thomas to attempt to defend himself and in the process reveal his heritage. The attempt however is futile and Jasper steps in using one of her daggers' powers to wound the hound. After pausing to wonder why she hadn't used the power to begin with, as he watches the now reversed tide of battle, Thomas is alerted to a presence behind him only to then collapse, losing consciousness.
Ch. 2: The Furtive Fugitive (In Progress)
/Spoilers ->/ Thomas wakes in a dungeon cell. He is then interrogated by Jasper about who he is, why he is here, and about the attack. When Thomas refuses to talk she reveals that she found the instruction note that he had on him. And questions why he was trying to get over the border and making the accurate claim that he was trying to escape the bounty on his head. Then the innkeeper lady starts making a commotion in the place because her son was just taken by the "demon" and the people there are too afraid to go and save him. Then steps in Jasper with a plan… In exchange for Thomas' bounty being kept quiet from the rest of the guild instead of turning him in Jasper releases Thomas to have him help her find the missing boy.
Ch. 2: A Light in the Dark (N/A)
Coming soon...
Arc 2: The Strays (N/A)
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Arc 3: The Black Bands (N/A)
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Arc 4: Fleur (N/A)
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Arc 5: The Wolf (N/A)
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Arc 6: The Pack (N/A)
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Arc 7: The Girl and the Raven (N/A)
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Arc 8: Snowbound (N/A)
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Arc 9: "Monster" (N/A)
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Arc 10: Collared (N/A)
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Arc 11: Flight (N/A)
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Arc 12: Loyalty (N/A)
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Arc 13: Fight (N/A)
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Most of the arc titles are probably temporary and might not even be mentioned in the actual work.
Title: Re: Grey - Prologue
Post by: Robin Ryuu on December 28, 2015, 04:00:29 AM
I don't believe it... I actually sat down and wrote part of one of my stories... Well a scene at least.

Well here it is...

Prologue (DPCE: 4)
A man works at signing the papers that are stacked on his desk. There is an open window behind him showing the trees and around the room there are books and scrolls as well as a couple racks of weapons and armor. When a knock is made on the open doorway he looks up to see who it was. He sees the girl. "Ah, Jasper."

"Morgan said you wanted to see me for something?" she said, leaning on the door with a bored expression.

"Yes, I did," he replied, moving some papers out of the way before folding his hands and placing them on the desk. "How would you like another mission?"

"Where to?" she asked, becoming interested.

"To a town in the west called Evansburg. A normally peaceful place, but recently there have been a string of murders where the corpses have been found partially devoured. We have been contracted to find the culprit and stop it."

"Right, I know the drill," Jasper replied, getting up from her leaning position against the door.

The man closed his eyes. "Jasper... I was told that this mission was given to several teams before us and that they ended up as corpses themselves shortly after arriving. It is likely that the culprit is among the strongest that you have faced thus far. Are you certain that you'd like to accept th..."

"Talking to yourself again, Chief?" a voice interrupted him.

The man opened an eye spying a tall younger man standing where the girl had been. "Hexus? Where is Jasper?"

"I saw her running down the hall a moment ago," Hexus replied, walking forward.

The older man sighed. "That girl needs to learn a thing or two about patience."

After a few moments they heard a whinny and turned to look out the window watching as the girl raced out of the courtyard on horseback.

"She'll be fine," stated Hexus.

"I hope so," replied the older man as he watched her pass out of view.
Title: Re: Grey - Chapter 1, part 1
Post by: Robin Ryuu on December 28, 2015, 10:19:49 PM
I am dead... Half a chapter perhaps and a lot of hours spent writing... Yep... definitely dead... *casts a spell of self resurrection* I've still got a lot more to do so I guess I can't take a break yet. Anyways here you guys go. Feel free to comment if you want to. I'd love to hear you guys' thoughts on it. (I do know that I was switching between past and present tense. That won't matter when I go to draw it.)

Ch.1 P.1 Claws, Fangs, and a Shadow (DPCE: ?)
A young man stands yawning and stretching after a long public carriage ride. He was the only one who had gotten down from it.

"Are you sure you want to be dropped off here?" asked the driver with a semi-concerned look.

"Huh? Why not?" the man replies.

The driver gives him a wary look before flicking the reins. The man watches as the carriage quickly departs and scratches his head. "Well that was strange," he commented to himself before turning to walk towards his destination, not noticing the broken directional signpost laying on the ground. He steps past and the word "Evansburg" is revealed along with an arrow pointing the direction the young man went.

As the young man enters the high stone walls of the town he finds it to be nearly deserted, contrary to his expectations. The few people that were outside turned and gave him wary glances. Not fond of the attention he was getting he avoided them. He glanced toward the setting sun and sighed. "Guess I should find a place to sleep." Soon he saw a sign of an inn and when he got there he knocked on the door. He soon heard footsteps leading to the door.

"Who is it," a woman asks from behind the still closed door.

"I'm a traveler. I am looking for a room for the night."

After a moment of silence the woman replied. "I'm sorry, but I don't have any rooms available at the moment. Please leave."

The young man was stunned at the reception, however he didn't want to linger and left.

He found another inn a short way down the road and knocked once again. There was no answer, but he could hear footsteps and whispers from inside. "Daddy... I'm scared," "Hush little one." He turned and left with a growing sense of unease.

Travelling farther into the town the young man finds a third inn. As he approaches he notices a man in rough clothes tending a makeshift fire container. Spotting movement out of the corner of his eye the man turns to look at a face peering at him from one of the inn's windows. As he was about to knock the door jerked open and revealed a large intimidating man glaring at the visitor. "Travelers aren't welcome here anymore. Leave," the large man told him before slamming the door closed and latching it.

"But..." the young man started dejectedly. He stood with only the light of the fire illuminating him.

The homeless man grins at the rejected man, laughing a bit before developing a coughing fit.

"What's so funny?" the young man asks slightly annoyed.

"The fact that you've chosen a bad time to come sightseeing, traveler," he spoke before coughing again.

"I thought this place was supposed to be a bustling market town," the young man stated.

"It had been," the homeless man gave him a questioning look. "I'm surprised you hadn't heard of what's been happening lately."

The young man shifted uncomfortably. "I haven't had the chance to learn the latest news for a while."

The homeless man considered the boy for a moment before speaking. "Most of the people here left a few months back when this town turned into a demon's feeding ground."

"A demon!?" he was shocked.

The man nodded "And because of that the people living here have become wary of those who are brave or foolish enough to walk these streets and have barred their doors to strangers." The man coughed. "Well that's likely for the best. I don't blame them for hiding behind doors if they have them."

"Maybe I should have kept going after all," the boy thought. "When does the next carriage come?" he asked.

"Getting cold feet already are you?" the man laughed again before coughing. "Unfortunately, the carriages only come now if they have a passenger."

"Oh..." he replied, worried. "Guess I'll be going on foot then."

"Good luck with that," the homeless man told him and went back to tending his fire before looking up to see the young man holding out several coins to him.

"Thank you for the help," he told him.

The homeless man looked at him with a mixture of awe and suspiciousness. "You sure?"

"It looks like I won't be using it for a room anyways," he replied placing the coins in the man's hand. He turned and started to walk back to the town's entrance.

"Be careful, boy. All the attacks were done at night," he called out to the departing figure.
Title: Re: Grey - Hexus' Info + Morgan's Info
Post by: Robin Ryuu on December 29, 2015, 01:24:46 AM
Here are the profiles for the Chief's first two apprentices and the adoptive older brothers of Jasper.

Hexus
Character Info

Info box
Full Name: Hexus ??? (Hex)
Gender: Male
Their age: 27
Species: Maned wolf-folk
Background Info: ???
Their personality: Sarcastic, cocky, rude, thick-headed, but very loyal.
Things they like: Training, fighting, swords, meat, pretty ladies.
Things they dislike: Mental work, clothes, baths, Morgan's more feminine qualities.
Other: Human form looks similar to Dirt from Magician, but with longer hair and pale grey skin instead of tan/brown. Has a X scar on his back and is missing most of his tail.

Art

Pictures drawn by EmikoPhararoh of DeviantArt.
(http://orig00.deviantart.net/afe0/f/2015/297/d/9/hexus_by_robinryuu-d9eabsw.png)

Morgan
Full Name: Morgan Lauritz
Gender: Male (Looks and acts female)
Their age: ?
Species: Vampire
Background Info: ???
Their personality: Caring, prideful, loyal, protective, easily angered.
Things they like: Pretty things and people, magic.
Things they dislike: Physical work, sunlight, filth, brutes like Hexus.
Other: Thin, long blonde hair, red eyes, pale, wears decorative robes/cloaks.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on December 29, 2015, 08:27:38 PM
So earlier I was able to think of how I want for this story to play out and then I wrote the last two scenes. I never thought that I would look forward to advancing one of my stories to it's end, but I am. It's a strange feeling. The ending is probably my favorite part of what I have planned. I hope everyone will enjoy it as well.

Also I have a number for the amount of arcs that I want to have. There will be 13 "missions".
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: WhiteCrow on December 29, 2015, 09:17:12 PM
If people don't start offering their thoughts on here, then I'm going to be sending some rude PM's with tongues sticking out mouths, L's over foreheads, and Get Well Soon cards! Robin is an MR Vet who is an active member, let's treat her as family and not as one of these forgettable individuals who comes to the site asking for Dedicated artists to work for free and whatnot...
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: OhGodHelpMe on December 29, 2015, 09:50:39 PM
Now that my life is no longer burdened with the great proverbial boulder on my back that I call 6 Cataclysms, I've had time to read all of this. Initially, anything with Vampires and Werewolves gets me worried, unless there's the themes of purity of the species, heritage, and asserting the dominance of the species. Maybe I'm cynical about it because of Twilight. Jesus, I still get flashbacks  :unsure:

The first thing I noticed about you as an author is your organization. It seems you like to flesh things out before writing, which is interesting to me since I just wing it all the time with only a basic concept in mind. Considering personality traits and physical traits for your character isn't easy, so I can commend you on that  :thumbsup:

What I worry about though is your writing efficiency, specifically, how much you can write/quality of writing/time you spend writing it. It seems writing those scenes really took it out of you  :hmm: That could reflect on the writing if you're not careful.

As for the content itself, the skeleton is there and it's solid, thankfully! I know it may seem tedious, but you've got to be as detailed as possible when you're writing. The environments, the actions or positions of the characters, everything. Add details that convey the mannerisms and personalities of your characters! I felt like I wasn't getting enough of that as I was reading. Either that, or again, I'm just a cynic  8) If you can paint a good picture with the details, you'll find your ideas translating onto the pages pretty well. You may end up churning out 2000+ word chapters in just an hour or so if you take it far enough.

So really, just work on bringing your characters and environments to life with the beauties of the English language. Always remember that SHOWING is always more effective than TELLING  :thumbsup: Just add that and you'll already be making a story involving Vampires/Werewolves that I'll be excited about reading  :thumbsup:

Keep up the good work, Robin.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on December 29, 2015, 10:44:49 PM
Ah, yes the terror of Mr. Sparkle... My sister forced me to watch most of the movies with her, but when she tried handing me the books I just walked away.

I can't focus if my resources aren't where I can find them at a glance. :sure:

Nah, the "exhaustion" things were jokes where I was making fun of myself for not writing anything until now.  ;)

I get what you're saying about the details, but considering that before Crow's crossover project started I had never tried writing in novel format, I think I'm doing pretty good. I know that it's not very pretty, but I was mostly writing to get the dialogue set along with the major actions that happen with them. I left most of the details out so that I could focus on the interactions of the characters before I forgot what I thought of them saying/doing. I do have a clear picture of the scenes including viewing angles, panel shapes, and all the other details that I will include when I go to the storyboarding phase. That said I'll go over it again to see if I can improve it once I write the rest of the chapter.

The previous example of when I tried to write something from my stories... Yikes...
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,12742.msg217210.html#msg217210 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,12742.msg217210.html#msg217210)

Anyways thank you for taking the time to read and reply. :heart:
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Nairbons on December 29, 2015, 11:35:54 PM
If people don't start offering their thoughts on here, then I'm going to be sending some rude PM's with tongues sticking out mouths, L's over foreheads, and Get Well Soon cards! Robin is an MR Vet who is an active member, let's treat her as family and not as one of these forgettable individuals who comes to the site asking for Dedicated artists to work for free and whatnot...

Yo! Sorry about that. Aside from the usual apathy that permeates the internet, the holiday season is rough on a lot of folks. This hits the supply of reviews pretty hard, and even more so to the few folks that regularly put up content. Even the dedicated roundtable of writers looking for reviews got put aside the first few times it got sidetracked.

If I forget, pester me with PMs and I'll get a review up in the next few days.

Ah, yes the terror of Mr. Sparkle...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CiAaEPcnlOg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CiAaEPcnlOg)
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on December 29, 2015, 11:47:08 PM
Ah, yes the terror of Mr. Sparkle...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CiAaEPcnlOg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CiAaEPcnlOg)
I'm wary of clicking it. XD


Anyways, it's fine. I'll try to get chapter 1 finished up here soon.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Hope4Future on December 30, 2015, 12:43:32 AM
If people don't start offering their thoughts on here, then I'm going to be sending some rude PM's with tongues sticking out mouths, L's over foreheads, and Get Well Soon cards! Robin is an MR Vet who is an active member, let's treat her as family and not as one of these forgettable individuals who comes to the site asking for Dedicated artists to work for free and whatnot...

i couldn't agree more, I'd hate for this website to become one-sided when it comes to reviews.

truth is, i haven't read the chapters yet but i at least read the summaries and character profiles. i like what i see and i hope the story is as good as I'd imagine it to be. I'll read the chapters when i get the chance to.

Initially, anything with Vampires and Werewolves gets me worried, unless there's the themes of purity of the species, heritage, and asserting the dominance of the species. Maybe I'm cynical about it because of Twilight. Jesus, I still get flashbacks  :unsure:


that's what i thought at first too, the whole vampire and werewolf concept is too familiar to twilight ... much like zombies in literally everything. frankly, i want them to bring back mummies to put in some variety ... where's all the mummy love?  :(
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on December 30, 2015, 03:45:01 AM
I feel like I should mention this before I get yelled at... um...

Spoiler
I am going to have an innocent romance element between Thomas and Jasper farther into the story. It's still mainly going to be a action and friendship story though. :blush:
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Hope4Future on December 30, 2015, 11:37:52 AM
... i thought that was already implied ...  :unsure:
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on December 30, 2015, 03:02:40 PM
I guess so...
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on December 31, 2015, 09:45:11 PM
I am going to do some revisions to the first part of Ch. 1. I'm going to be adding some more stuff about when he is walking around the town. I am also going to rewrite the conversation between Thomas and the homeless guy. I'm not satisfied with it. The guy just doesn't seem to fit and it's bugging me. I have a few ideas on how to fix it though. When I post it I would love it if you guys compare them to see if I was able to improve anything.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: OhGodHelpMe on December 31, 2015, 11:57:07 PM
How innocent are we talking here? Make sure those hand-holding scenes are censored  :cop:
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on January 01, 2016, 01:58:45 AM
How innocent are we talking here? Make sure those hand-holding scenes are censored  :cop:
:tongue:
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on January 01, 2016, 11:31:28 PM
Still working on ideas for chapter 1. Have a sketch in the mean time.


(http://img00.deviantart.net/8c79/i/2015/364/8/4/jasper_lenz_sketches_by_robinryuu-d9m4t7s.png)
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: The SlamJam on January 02, 2016, 02:22:19 PM
I sensed art and came to say good job dude! :)
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Hope4Future on January 03, 2016, 08:32:23 PM
I just though I'd mention that I finally had the chance to read the first chapter and the prologue (I kind of procrastinated it at first but there wasn't as much as I thought there would be). anyway, I liked how you set it up and described the scenery. I look forward to more upcoming chapters!  :angel:
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: NO1SY on January 03, 2016, 08:54:35 PM
Really love all of the work and effort you are putting into this, keep it up Robin!

When I get some free time I'll definitely give it a thorough read and a bit of a review if you would like :)
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on January 03, 2016, 09:47:29 PM
I sensed art and came to say good job dude! :)
Thank you.  ;D

I just though I'd mention that I finally had the chance to read the first chapter and the prologue (I kind of procrastinated it at first but there wasn't as much as I thought there would be). anyway, I liked how you set it up and described the scenery. I look forward to more upcoming chapters!  :angel:
Thank you for giving it a chance. I hope to put more out soon.

Really love all of the work and effort you are putting into this, keep it up Robin!

When I get some free time I'll definitely give it a thorough read and a bit of a review if you would like :)

That I will. Thank you.

I'm currently rewriting chapter 1, but you're free to review whenever you'd like.
Title: Re: Grey - Chapter 1, Part 1, Version 2
Post by: Robin Ryuu on January 04, 2016, 12:38:50 AM
Alright here's Chapter 1, Part 1, Version 2. I'm happier with this one.

Spoiler
A young man stands yawning and stretching after a long public carriage ride. He was the only one who had disembarked.

"Sure you want dropped off here?" asked the driver with a semi-concerned look.

"Huh? Why not?" the man replies.

The driver gives him a wary look before flicking the reins. The man watches as the carriage quickly departs and scratches his head. "Well that was strange," he commented to himself before turning to walk towards his destination, not noticing the broken signpost laying on the ground. He steps past and the word "Evansburg" is revealed along with an arrow pointing the direction the young man went.

As the young man enters the high stone walls of the town he finds it to be nearly deserted, contrary to his expectations. The few people that were outside turned and gave him wary glances. Not fond of the attention he was getting he avoided them. He glanced toward the setting sun and sighed. "Guess I should find a place to sleep." Soon he saw the sign of an inn and when he got there he knocked on the door. He soon heard footsteps leading to the door.

"Who is it?" a woman asks from behind the still closed door.

"I'm a traveler. I am looking for a room for the night."

After a moment of silence the woman replied. "I'm sorry, but I don't have any rooms available at the moment. Please leave." He could hear footsteps and whispers from inside.

"Mommy... I'm scared,"

"Hush little one."

The young man lingered a moment, but then he turned and left.

He passed many roads lined with boarded up stores and other businesses. Among the vacant buildings were a couple groups of vagrants who gave him hostile, wary stares as he passed. Moving on with growing unease he soon caught the faint scent of old blood. The boy cautiously made his way past an area that was closed off with various talismans and seals. Not willing to linger around he quickened his pace until well past where the scent had faded. Soon he came to find another inn. Spotting movement out of the corner of his eye the young man turned to find at a face peering at him from one of the inn's windows. He approached with concern. As he was about to knock the door jerked open and revealed a large intimidating man glaring at the visitor. "Travelers aren't welcome here anymore. Leave," the large man told him before slamming the door closed and latching it.

"But..." the young man started dejected. He stood with only the light of a fire illuminating him. Hearing the sound of a laugh the boy turns to find another small group of vagrants. A man tending the fire, a sleeping figure, and the man who had laughed was drinking from a bottle.

"What's so funny?" the young man asks slightly annoyed.

"Cuz ya've got yaself a problem, boy," One of the men spoke before taking a swig of alcohol.

"I thought this place was supposed to be a bustling market town," the young man stated, wrinkling his nose at the smell.

"It had been," the other man spoke, giving him a questioning look. "I'm surprised you hadn't heard of what's been happening lately."

The young man shifted uncomfortably. "I haven't had the chance to learn the latest news for a while."

The man considered the boy for a moment before speaking. "Most of the people here left a few months back when this town turned into a demon's feeding ground."

"A demon!?"

The drinking man spat on the ground at the comment making the boy step back to avoid the fluid. "En there's us who've got nowhere to go."

Seeing the boy's confusion the sober man explained. "Those of us that remain do so because we must for one reason or another." The man coughed before continuing. "The people here have become wary of those who are brave or foolish enough to walk these streets and have barred their doors to strangers. That's likely for the best. I don't blame them for hiding behind doors if they have them."

"Maybe I should have kept going after all," the boy thought. "When does the next carriage come?" he asked.

"Gettin col feet are ya?" the drunken man laughed again.

The sober man sighed at his companion's comment. "Unfortunately, the carriages only come now if they have a passenger on them."

"Oh..." he replied, worried. He didn't like the thought of being stuck in the town for an extended period of time.

"There is the option of going to the town's guildhall," the sober man suggested. "If you've got the coins, it's probably the safest place in town."

The drunken man snorted. "Bunch'a cowards if ya ask me"

"Good men have died facing the demon," the sober man stated, giving his companion a glare.

The drunken man snorted again, but didn't press his opinion.

"Is the guildhall far?" the boy asked, uncertain of the choice.

The sober man turned to point at a large building located farther up the hill, barely visible through the darkness. "That's it there."

The boy studied the far off building a bit before turning back to the group. "Thank you for the help," he told them.

"May the Gods protect you," the sober man told him.

The young man turned to walk down the road he assumed that would lead him to a safer fate.

"Be careful, boy. All the attacks happened at night," the sober man called out to the departing figure.
Title: Re: Grey - Random World Building Info
Post by: Robin Ryuu on January 04, 2016, 04:55:32 PM
Just some random world building stuff that might never show up in the story. There is more of course, this is just what came to mind at the moment.

Gods, their children, and their disciples.
In this world there are many gods. Some of them created their own race of followers. Others, such as the occupation gods, typically the followers were not created by them.
The Twin Gods of Life and Death
Just as you'd expect really. They govern the transfer of life energy. They also govern the art of healing/parasitic magic. Vampires are the race they created.
God's Coins
There is a custom for merchants to display the first gold coin they earn at the front of their shops as a tribute to the god of prosperity, trade, and luck. Doing so is believed to bring good luck and such. Typically even though they'd be easy to grab, thieves leave them alone for fear of curses. It can also be used as an indicator of goodwill as the god of merchants and the god of thieves are believed to be enemies.
The God of Wealth
The god of merchants and the god of thieves are actually the same god. Just known by different names.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: OhGodHelpMe on January 04, 2016, 08:54:08 PM
Well that's some vast improvement on that chapter  :clapping:
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on January 04, 2016, 09:00:29 PM
Well that's some vast improvement on that chapter  :clapping:
I know, right? XD
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on January 05, 2016, 01:11:54 AM
Poor Thomas... I've worked on his backstory a bit more... Why do I like to have tragedies befall my characters so much?

Anyways I'm working on the section of his life between where Thomas' parents were killed and where the story starts. So that's a 10 year gap... That's a long time to run.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Vio on January 05, 2016, 02:01:23 AM
Keep it simple and try not to make thing complicated at the start. ^^
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on January 05, 2016, 02:12:14 AM
Keep it simple and try not to make thing complicated at the start. ^^
I don't know what you're talking about...  :sure:
Title: Re: Grey - Chapter 1, part 2
Post by: Robin Ryuu on January 05, 2016, 04:22:31 AM
Short bit for tonight... I'm not a big fan of gore so hopefully this doesn't give me nightmares...

Spoiler
The young man continued on his way for a good distance before stopping to turn his head to the sky. "What I'm I doing?" he wondered. "I'm walking to my death aren't I?" He grimaced. "I should never have come here." He turned to face back the way he came. "I should have left," he said to himself.

As he stood he caught the faint sound of footsteps approaching from down the nearly empty street. Moving swiftly he hid himself behind some crates near an alleyway. With bated breath he waited as the footsteps drew nearer. He stayed still as a crate started to move. Several moments later he heard a person's mumblings and untensed enough to peek through a gap between the crates. He watched an older lady sift through the contents of a crate. The young man turned around with relief.

"Huh? It's just an old granny," said a voice from an unseen source.

The boy had little time to register the scenario before he heard the old lady's scream. It ended abruptly followed by a heavy thud. On the ground the boy could see the old lady's hand from around the corner of his hiding place. He heard a sigh from behind him.

"I thought you were going to lead me to a good score. Not a bag of bones with barely a shred of life left." The boy heard another sigh. "It'll have to do for tonight. You clean up here." The boy listened as the source of the voice departed. A moment later he saw the old woman's hand slide back into the darkness and heard the sounds of ripping flesh and cracking bones.

The boy felt sick as he listened and tried to make himself smaller, bumping an object in the dark.

The ripping sounds stopped as he heard a low growl followed by a series of sniffs. Then the sounds of claws on stone as the creature fled.

The boy waited for a while before slowly removing himself from behind the crates. He had covered his mouth and nose as the smell of blood was overpowering. He stood over the remains of the mess that was formerly an elderly woman. "I'm sorry," he told her quietly.

"Hey!" called a voice from behind him.

He turned sharply at the sound spying a person at the end of the alley. The boy stared frozen in place.

The person looked at the corpse and gained a furious, hateful expression as they looked back at the young man. "You... demon," they said, voice writhing with anger.

The boy didn't register the comment. He was more concerned with the appearance of the person. Particularly their eyes. "They're red... Vampire!" he thought right as it charged him.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on January 05, 2016, 08:57:26 PM
This isn't your average shonen manga... At least that's how I see it.

Just being random. Don't mind me.
Title: Re: Grey - Chapter 1, part 3
Post by: Robin Ryuu on January 08, 2016, 05:13:18 PM
I'm still working on ideas for the rest of this fight, but I have to ask... Does this thing even make any sense? I'm clueless when it comes to writing fight scenes...

Spoiler
The boy's assailant drew two daggers from her sleeves before leaping towards the boy who was backing away. She quickly slashed her left dagger upwards.

Unable to escape her attack range in time the boy rose his arms to take the blow. The blade sliced through his coat and bit into the flesh of his right arm, drawing blood. He let out a yelp of pain as he stumbled backwards, gripping his arm.

Jumping back after she delivered her attack she gave the boy a glare,"Shut it. Murderers don't have the right to complain."

"Mu.. Murderer?" he asked, stunned as she charged him again. "You're wrong!" he defended himself. He made another attempt to evade.

She ignored his statement and brought down both her daggers, narrowly missing, but giving him a slight hair cut.

"Wait a minute!" he pleaded, watching her prepare a third attack.

"Why should I?" she growled. "I bet you didn't give her one."

"I wasn't the one who did this!" he replied.

"And you expect me to believe that?" she spat, standing straight.

The boy opened his mouth to reply, but a sudden movement behind the girl caught his eye.

In an instant the shadow lunged at the girl as she turned. It's fangs sunk into her right shoulder as it pinned her to the ground with it's weight.

The boy fell back in shock as he looked at the huge shadowy hound. It turned it's red eyes towards the boy with a vicious intent.

With a sudden swing of her arm the girl brought her left dagger though the belly of the beast causing it to dissipate and reform a few feet away. The girl got up on unsteady feet and faced the hound.

It gave a menacing growl, black saliva and red blood dripping from it's gaping maw.

"Come then," she answered, taking a fighting stance.

Without a second thought they charged each other. The girl dodged another bite aimed at her leg. Jumping she landed on the beast's head momentarily before springing behind it and striking at it again with her dagger. Like before, however the beast only reformed taking no damage.

"Thought so," the girl stated. "You're a summoned spirit, aren't you? Where's your master?" she asked receiving no reply. She pointed her dagger over her shoulder at the stunned boy. "That him?"

The hound gave an offended look before becoming infuriated. It charged her and attempted to bite her once again and the girl swung her left dagger at the beast. It met the blade with it's teeth and wrenched it out of her grasp. She followed up with her right dagger, slashing into the beast's head. The dagger dropped and skid until it hit the wall. The girl attempted to dash after the dagger, but was stopped with another attack by the hound.

"Keh, you're not going to make this easy are you?"
Title: Re: Grey - Chapter 1, part 3
Post by: Hope4Future on January 08, 2016, 08:38:35 PM
I understood it pretty well ... in fact, I don't believe that there is much more to fighting scenes than this, at least for writing them anyway. also:

Unable to escape her attack range in time the boy rose his arms to take the blow.

... was he trying to block the attack before it landed?
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on January 08, 2016, 08:43:19 PM
I understood it pretty well ... in fact, I don't believe that there is much more to fighting scenes than this, at least for writing them anyway. also:
Alright.

Unable to escape her attack range in time the boy rose his arms to take the blow.

... was he trying to block the attack before it landed?
Yes.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on January 22, 2016, 04:44:20 AM
Just remembered that I hadn't posted this here yet...

Thomas' wolf form
(http://img00.deviantart.net/a67d/i/2016/017/4/c/thomas_wolf_form_by_robinryuu-d9ntor8.png)
Title: Re: Grey - Question...
Post by: Robin Ryuu on January 26, 2016, 05:33:10 AM
So... As some of you might have noticed... I am stuck... I am not really sure how to continue the fight... Couple reasons...

One... I'm not sure how to divide the "reveals" into the two/three fights that will be contained within the first few chapters.

Two... Well... Basically put, I'm not that big of a fan of manga where the girl lead fights as the guy's "weapon"... I don't want my story to seem like it'll take that route. Any advice?
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Hope4Future on January 26, 2016, 11:41:27 AM
So... As some of you might have noticed... I am stuck... I am not really sure how to continue the fight... Couple reasons...

One... I'm not sure how to divide the "reveals" into the two/three fights that will be contained within the first few chapters.

Two... Well... Basically put, I'm not that big of a fan of manga where the girl lead fights as the guy's "weapon"... I don't want my story to seem like it'll take that route. Any advice?

well i can't help much from this perspective but ...

first, as far as the 'reveals' go, i'm not sure who (or what) you plan to reveal during the fight but if it's a good guy, then i don't see why they couldn't just jump into the fight out of the blue. maybe they see a 'damsel in distress' and decide to help ... of course, being jasper, that's not true. if you have trouble making room on who to reveal within the first chapter then maybe hold back any of the characters that don't play an important part until the next chapter, there's always one, but if all else fails you could just post the lengthy chapter if you have trouble cutting back ... to avoid that writers block  :blink:

second, well idk how help avoid that (considering the main character is a guy) but it seems like you have jasper be the independent type that fights on her own. if that's the case, and she fights with a guy (i assume Thomas in this scenario?), then just have them each deal an equal amount of damage amongst themselves to the enemy. maybe reverse roles, have the guy lead and jasper finish the fight ... it could go both ways.

well ... that's my thoughts on the matter ... idk if it helped or if i'm way off on the subject but either way, best of luck to you.  :angel:
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on January 26, 2016, 06:26:51 PM
So... As some of you might have noticed... I am stuck... I am not really sure how to continue the fight... Couple reasons...

One... I'm not sure how to divide the "reveals" into the two/three fights that will be contained within the first few chapters.

Two... Well... Basically put, I'm not that big of a fan of manga where the girl lead fights as the guy's "weapon"... I don't want my story to seem like it'll take that route. Any advice?

well i can't help much from this perspective but ...

first, as far as the 'reveals' go, i'm not sure who (or what) you plan to reveal during the fight but if it's a good guy, then i don't see why they couldn't just jump into the fight out of the blue. maybe they see a 'damsel in distress' and decide to help ... of course, being jasper, that's not true. if you have trouble making room on who to reveal within the first chapter then maybe hold back any of the characters that don't play an important part until the next chapter, there's always one, but if all else fails you could just post the lengthy chapter if you have trouble cutting back ... to avoid that writers block  :blink:

second, well idk how help avoid that (considering the main character is a guy) but it seems like you have jasper be the independent type that fights on her own. if that's the case, and she fights with a guy (i assume Thomas in this scenario?), then just have them each deal an equal amount of damage amongst themselves to the enemy. maybe reverse roles, have the guy lead and jasper finish the fight ... it could go both ways.

well ... that's my thoughts on the matter ... idk if it helped or if i'm way off on the subject but either way, best of luck to you.  :angel:

I'll work it out somehow I guess.
Title: Re: Grey - Links to Crow's Character Crossover Event Stuff
Post by: Robin Ryuu on January 26, 2016, 09:51:27 PM
So, although Crow's project isn't canon, it does show my characters a bit. Will be keeping links, to CMs/Chapters I helped write and maybe some other stuff, in this post.

Project 1 CMs/Chapters:

N/A (Did not appear in Project 1.)

Project 2 CMs/Chapters:

Fire Flight (Thomas and Jasper's introductions.)
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13661.msg245490.html#msg245490 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13661.msg245490.html#msg245490)
Tension and Distrust (Thomas and Jasper's reactions to the news.)
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13661.msg245587.html#msg245587 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13661.msg245587.html#msg245587)
Enter the Toucan (Jasper meets Xiana. / Cowritten with Kata_Misashi.)
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13661.msg245700.html#msg245700 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13661.msg245700.html#msg245700)
Spirit of the Wolf (Thomas "meets" Teddy. / Cowritten with Jackhammer.)
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13661.msg245763.html#msg245763 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13661.msg245763.html#msg245763)
Data and Jasper (Jasper meets Data. / Cowritten with Legomaestro.)
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13661.msg245732.html#msg245732 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13661.msg245732.html#msg245732)
Fight or Flight (Thomas and Jasper character moment.)
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13661.msg245790.html#msg245790 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13661.msg245790.html#msg245790)
A Name (Thomas and Jasper speak with Teddy. / Cowritten with Jackhammer.)
A Recipe for Disaster (Jasper introduces Thomas to Xiana. / Cowritten with Kata_Misashi. )
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13661.msg246079.html#msg246079 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13661.msg246079.html#msg246079)
Spirit of the Wolf: Part 2 (Thomas and Teddy meet again. / Cowritten with Jackhammer.)
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13661.msg249163.html#msg249163 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13661.msg249163.html#msg249163)
Birds of a Feather (Jasper and Xiana reunite. / Cowritten with Kata_Misashi.)
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13661.msg254228.html#msg254228 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13661.msg254228.html#msg254228)
A Name: Part 2 (The art of confusing wolves. / Cowritten with Jackhammer.)
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13661.msg258686.html#msg258686 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13661.msg258686.html#msg258686)
'Family' (Who goes where. / Group CM: WhiteCrow, Echo_River, Jackhammer, Kata_Misashi, and me.)
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13661.msg258998.html#msg258998 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13661.msg258998.html#msg258998)
'Family': Part 2 (Misty and Xodara talk. / Cowritten with WhiteCrow.)
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13661.msg261613.html#msg261613 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13661.msg261613.html#msg261613)

Project 3 CMs/Chapters:

N/A (Hasn't started yet.  ;))
Title: Re: Grey - Chapter 1 Notes
Post by: Robin Ryuu on February 08, 2016, 09:00:27 AM
This is a spoiler tag.
So is this.
And this.
Do you really want to read this or do you want to wait a little longer for the actual story?
So if any of you remember, the "Demon" of the first chapter is actually a team of two characters. They are a vampire named Aldric and his black dog familiar.

The dog scouts for potential prey and once found waits for it's master to close in for the kill. After which the dog takes it's turn to feast, devouring a portion of the victim.

Why only part? Because it's bait. Bait for bounty hunters to come after the creature who was eating people. However they are unaware of the presence of the vampire behind it and become prey themselves.

Aldric is a strategist and is skilled enough to back his confidence. He has the typical arrogance and disrespect for other races that is common among vampires.

The black dog has a shadow base. One of Jasper's daggers, the one that got knocked out of her hand, has the ability to cut shadows. Other ways to damage the dog includes things like fire and sunlight. The dog can merge into shadows and travel through them. It can also dissipate and become solid at will.

Another power to note is that familiars and their masters have a sort of telepathic link. The strength of which varies per scenario and depending on how much they focus.

_____________

Other notes...

Thomas mistakes Jasper as a boy.

Thomas goes "berserk" torwards the end of the final fight with Aldric. This is due to being drained of his life to the point of him collapsing temporarily.

Might post more later.
Title: Re: Grey - Question 2
Post by: Robin Ryuu on February 15, 2016, 07:46:11 PM
Okay so... The question I've been wondering... The main characters defeat Aldric, but what happens to him? Do they kill him right then and there? Do they leave him to the authorities (would mean death)? Does he escape somehow? Does an "accident" happen and kill him? I honestly have no idea here. The mains try to avoid killing as best they can, but the setting isn't exactly kind to vampiric serial killers.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: OhGodHelpMe on February 15, 2016, 09:25:13 PM
A good question. You should always know the fate of your characters as you make them, as hard as that can be. 

He's  killed and is permanently dealt with (Unless you're gonna Houdini him back into the world of the living)

He's spared, handed to the authorities, which is never a 100% guarantee he won't plot something or someone may find him useful and aid in his escape (Unless you trust the authorities in the story that much)

He escapes and recuperates, eventually comes back

If the character doesn't serve any further function in the story, I'd say it's okay to kill him. If not by the hands of the characters, then just think of a way he could naturally or accidentally die. For instance, what if he runs into the wilderness with open wounds and stops to rest by a poisonous species of plant? Bitten be a snake? I'm just saying, nature can be cruel

If the character does have a purpose, find some way to spare them and use them again later.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on February 15, 2016, 09:47:59 PM
Yeah those are basically my thoughts too. I guess it all depends on if he'll reappear and why he would. I actually like his character a bit so I'd kinda like to include him again, but I have no ideas for how I could include him again and I don't want to do it "just because".
Title: Re: Grey - Prologue Storyboard Pages 1 and 2 Sneak peek
Post by: Robin Ryuu on March 02, 2016, 07:21:12 PM
:sure:


Pages without dialogue.
(http://pre06.deviantart.net/0853/th/pre/f/2016/062/e/e/prologue_sb_pg_1_b_by_robinryuu-d9trfg4.png)



(http://pre11.deviantart.net/8a9b/th/pre/f/2016/061/1/f/prologue_sb_pg_2_b_by_robinryuu-d9tqtny.png)

Pages with dialogue.
(http://pre12.deviantart.net/4b03/th/pre/f/2016/063/c/b/prologue_sb_pg_1_d_by_robinryuu-d9tnb2w.png)



(http://pre06.deviantart.net/40e3/th/pre/f/2016/061/e/b/prologue_sb_pg_2_d_by_robinryuu-d9tqyb8.png)
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: OhGodHelpMe on March 02, 2016, 07:57:34 PM
Oo nice  :clapping:

I got confused there on the second page and read the first bubble to the right, then the bubble that was connected to it at the bottom, then the left bubble where he asked "Where to?"

Then I was like "He just said what town it was..." and then realized I read it wrong  :sure:

Love the chicken scratch style of illustration here
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on March 02, 2016, 08:05:56 PM
Thanks.  :D

Well hopefully it'll be a little clearer when I go to do the final "Inked" version.

It looks scratchy cuz it's just a sketch.  :sure: (Though I'll admit the effect is kinda cool...)
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on March 02, 2016, 10:25:05 PM
Or... I might actually leave the comic like that... for various reasons... the "sketches".

I rather like the gritty textured look to it. If I go "finish" it, it would be too clean looking almost... Plus this is way better on my hand. (I think I might be developing carpel tunnel...) And speed... I can do one of these per day compared to the month it would take me to do the actual page... Plus I think it suits the feel to the story a bit. And I'm a perfectionist that loses interest in finishing things quickly, so...

That said, the pages will still need some fixing before I call them finished.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on March 18, 2016, 02:01:50 AM
Alright, I've figured out how I would like to continue the fight. I should have a new section up soon that may be the end of chapter 1.

I also did some minor edits to the previous section. Just swapped which dagger she lost and had her not use the daggers' powers.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Forlorn Serpent on March 23, 2016, 03:53:39 PM
I wrote a lot. Sorry about that. I feel the problem here isn't the story itself but the way you are writing it.

I read the chapters (I wouldn't call them that though) and all the other information you provided. It was hard to absorb everything. All i can is that you have scenes ready to be illustrated but not ready to be considered chapters. 

I see that you are excited over this project which is great! However, i'm seeing that you are having trouble writing it. You don't have to novelize it. Try and write it in a teleplay/screenplay format. If you want to be a manga writer, this is how they do it. They write the script and have the storyboarder do his/her thing and then the illustrator does his/her thing and so on. If you want to see an example (my backhand way to make you read my projects)  :angel: read my stories. Not the novelization versions but the screenplay versions. i should have three up.

I don't think you have been given this advice yet. Decide how long your story should be. You can give yourself a rough estimate by this simple formula. What does the Main Character wants. Who is stopping he/she from getting it, and what they have to do in order to get what they want?

Let's say each of your chapters is like a manga chapter.  Each chapter needs an arc. Follow the same formula as above for each chapter. You gave us scenes that are not finished. This means you have more writing to do but like i wrote before, change the way you format it and i think you will have an easier time writing it.

You have all this information and i assume you have an ending ready. If not, every writer should have a beginning and end. The end will sometimes change but if it is good, it serves a guide for the middle part. Some people will say that having an end is bad. Nonsense!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You need an outline before you even write your story or you end up nowhere. You will have a great beginning but stop in frustration because you don't know where to go. Then you move on to another project and repeat the same cycle. It is great that you are creating a world for your story but think of an ending for your story.

What i want you to do (I said with so much audacity  ::))  is write a beat sheet for each chapter. Each beat is the event that moves the story forward.
This would look like this:

Thomas gets out of carriage

He looks around for a inn

everyone says no.

Homeless man explains why there is no rooms.

Thomas leaves.

This method give you a clear map of what you want each chapter to do. You should do this for the whole story if possible. That way you know where you are going and you already know what will happen next. Plus, it will be a much needed help for me so i can actually evaluate where you are and where you are going.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on March 23, 2016, 04:54:42 PM
Quote
I wrote a lot. Sorry about that. I feel the problem here isn't the story itself but the way you are writing it.
Tbh, I'm not very concerned with the writing portion. I'm going to be the one storyboarding and drawing it so, as long as the writing is clear enough to get the gist across, I'm content. My full attention is to the story itself.

Quote
I read the chapters (I wouldn't call them that though) and all the other information you provided. It was hard to absorb everything. All i can is that you have scenes ready to be illustrated but not ready to be considered chapters.
Other than the prologue, the fragments I have posted are of a single chapter.

Quote
I see that you are excited over this project which is great! However, i'm seeing that you are having trouble writing it. You don't have to novelize it. Try and write it in a teleplay/screenplay format. If you want to be a manga writer, this is how they do it. They write the script and have the storyboarder do his/her thing and then the illustrator does his/her thing and so on. If you want to see an example (my backhand way to make you read my projects)  :angel: read my stories. Not the novelization versions but the screenplay versions. i should have three up.
I tried writing it in script from, which is actually harder for me, so I just write whatever comes to mind.

Quote
I don't think you have been given this advice yet. Decide how long your story should be. You can give yourself a rough estimate by this simple formula. What does the Main Character wants. Who is stopping he/she from getting it, and what they have to do in order to get what they want?

Let's say each of your chapters is like a manga chapter.  Each chapter needs an arc. Follow the same formula as above for each chapter. You gave us scenes that are not finished. This means you have more writing to do but like i wrote before, change the way you format it and i think you will have an easier time writing it.

You have all this information and i assume you have an ending ready. If not, every writer should have a beginning and end. The end will sometimes change but if it is good, it serves a guide for the middle part. Some people will say that having an end is bad. Nonsense!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You need an outline before you even write your story or you end up nowhere. You will have a great beginning but stop in frustration because you don't know where to go. Then you move on to another project and repeat the same cycle. It is great that you are creating a world for your story but think of an ending for your story.
As I have stated in previous posts I am already aware of the characters goals, general story length, and the ending.

Quote
What i want you to do (I said with so much audacity  ::))  is write a beat sheet for each chapter. Each beat is the event that moves the story forward.
This would look like this:

Thomas gets out of carriage

He looks around for a inn

everyone says no.

Homeless man explains why there is no rooms.

Thomas leaves.

This method give you a clear map of what you want each chapter to do. You should do this for the whole story if possible. That way you know where you are going and you already know what will happen next. Plus, it will be a much needed help for me so i can actually evaluate where you are and where you are going.
I keep a mental list like that, however I have found if I try to give the writing a set path then that is where I get hung up as I don't know how to make the moments flow from one to the next.

The latest example is that I wanted Thomas to step in to help Jasper and still show that he was a coward. Yet at the same time I didn't want Jasper to come across as a "damsel in distress" type of character. In order to get around the problems I had to tweak the plans I had made to suit the situation more... (This is the part I am currently working on and will be the ending portion to chapter 1.)

In other words, the plans are constantly evolving and trying to give it a set path is what makes me stall. Best just to let the characters do what they want and the story will grow around them.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Forlorn Serpent on March 23, 2016, 06:11:26 PM
if you finish your first chapter, post it in the manga creation and create a discussion page. I'll be the first one to critique it. Since this is just developmental and all. 

I didn't see the ending. What is it?

To answer your question about your fight scene, just write it, don't think about. If you already know their profiles, just have them do what they are suppose to do. That is why you made profiles right? You have several options to make thomas look like a coward but still want to help. Have him scream tips like, "watch out behind You! while running. Have the girl realize he isn't a threat and protect thomas while he keeps trying to run for safety. Helping a woman doesn't make them "damsels in distress". You need moments of weakness or the audience will never like the character.  have him run, she screams in pain, not like "help me" pain but like "i'll kill you when i get the chance" pain scream. He comes back because he thought it would ruin him forever if he didn't help. He already said sorry to a old woman who died. He doesn't want to live in regret if he could do something.  If he helps her, not saves her, but helps her, she can keep the i could of done it without you attitude but still have a sense of comradery with him. Or this will be the moment you reveal a small portion of his power or something.   

If you are concerned over the story being readable, i have to tell you it's hard to tell what's going on. You write "young man" and then you identify him as "boy."  Super confusing. You have to write with more details otherwise readers will have no idea what is going on. I don't have any feeling connecting myself with characters. Your tidbits of future chapters and arcs don't help at all since they are generalities and like you said, have major holes between them.

Besides, if you are just story building, just give us the beats and not waste your time writing it if you will just illustrate it yourself.  Plus you could possibly waste even more time storyboarding it by having to re draw everything from scratch.

I would just merge what you got so far, it will be easier for everyone.

Spoiler
A young man stands yawning and stretching after a long public carriage ride. He was the only one who had disembarked.

"Sure you want dropped off here?" asked the driver with a semi-concerned look.

"Huh? Why not?" the man replies.

The driver gives him a wary look before flicking the reins. The man watches as the carriage quickly departs and scratches his head. "Well that was strange," he commented to himself before turning to walk towards his destination, not noticing the broken signpost laying on the ground. He steps past and the word "Evansburg" is revealed along with an arrow pointing the direction the young man went.

As the young man enters the high stone walls of the town he finds it to be nearly deserted, contrary to his expectations. The few people that were outside turned and gave him wary glances. Not fond of the attention he was getting he avoided them. He glanced toward the setting sun and sighed. "Guess I should find a place to sleep." Soon he saw the sign of an inn and when he got there he knocked on the door. He soon heard footsteps leading to the door.

"Who is it?" a woman asks from behind the still closed door.

"I'm a traveler. I am looking for a room for the night."

After a moment of silence the woman replied. "I'm sorry, but I don't have any rooms available at the moment. Please leave." He could hear footsteps and whispers from inside.

"Mommy... I'm scared,"

"Hush little one."

The young man lingered a moment, but then he turned and left.

He passed many roads lined with boarded up stores and other businesses. Among the vacant buildings were a couple groups of vagrants who gave him hostile, wary stares as he passed. Moving on with growing unease he soon caught the faint scent of old blood. The boy cautiously made his way past an area that was closed off with various talismans and seals. Not willing to linger around he quickened his pace until well past where the scent had faded. Soon he came to find another inn. Spotting movement out of the corner of his eye the young man turned to find at a face peering at him from one of the inn's windows. He approached with concern. As he was about to knock the door jerked open and revealed a large intimidating man glaring at the visitor. "Travelers aren't welcome here anymore. Leave," the large man told him before slamming the door closed and latching it.

"But..." the young man started dejected. He stood with only the light of a fire illuminating him. Hearing the sound of a laugh the boy turns to find another small group of vagrants. A man tending the fire, a sleeping figure, and the man who had laughed was drinking from a bottle.

"What's so funny?" the young man asks slightly annoyed.

"Cuz ya've got yaself a problem, boy," One of the men spoke before taking a swig of alcohol.

"I thought this place was supposed to be a bustling market town," the young man stated, wrinkling his nose at the smell.

"It had been," the other man spoke, giving him a questioning look. "I'm surprised you hadn't heard of what's been happening lately."

The young man shifted uncomfortably. "I haven't had the chance to learn the latest news for a while."

The man considered the boy for a moment before speaking. "Most of the people here left a few months back when this town turned into a demon's feeding ground."

"A demon!?"

The drinking man spat on the ground at the comment making the boy step back to avoid the fluid. "En there's us who've got nowhere to go."

Seeing the boy's confusion the sober man explained. "Those of us that remain do so because we must for one reason or another." The man coughed before continuing. "The people here have become wary of those who are brave or foolish enough to walk these streets and have barred their doors to strangers. That's likely for the best. I don't blame them for hiding behind doors if they have them."

"Maybe I should have kept going after all," the boy thought. "When does the next carriage come?" he asked.

"Gettin col feet are ya?" the drunken man laughed again.

The sober man sighed at his companion's comment. "Unfortunately, the carriages only come now if they have a passenger on them."

"Oh..." he replied, worried. He didn't like the thought of being stuck in the town for an extended period of time.

"There is the option of going to the town's guildhall," the sober man suggested. "If you've got the coins, it's probably the safest place in town."

The drunken man snorted. "Bunch'a cowards if ya ask me"

"Good men have died facing the demon," the sober man stated, giving his companion a glare.

The drunken man snorted again, but didn't press his opinion.

"Is the guildhall far?" the boy asked, uncertain of the choice.

The sober man turned to point at a large building located farther up the hill, barely visible through the darkness. "That's it there."

The boy studied the far off building a bit before turning back to the group. "Thank you for the help," he told them.

"May the Gods protect you," the sober man told him.

The young man turned to walk down the road he assumed that would lead him to a safer fate.

"Be careful, boy. All the attacks happened at night," the sober man called out to the departing figure.

The young man continued on his way for a good distance before stopping to turn his head to the sky. "What I'm I doing?" he wondered. "I'm walking to my death aren't I?" He grimaced. "I should never have come here." He turned to face back the way he came. "I should have left," he said to himself.

As he stood he caught the faint sound of footsteps approaching from down the nearly empty street. Moving swiftly he hid himself behind some crates near an alleyway. With bated breath he waited as the footsteps drew nearer. He stayed still as a crate started to move. Several moments later he heard a person's mumblings and untensed enough to peek through a gap between the crates. He watched an older lady sift through the contents of a crate. The young man turned around with relief.

"Huh? It's just an old granny," said a voice from an unseen source.

The boy had little time to register the scenario before he heard the old lady's scream. It ended abruptly followed by a heavy thud. On the ground the boy could see the old lady's hand from around the corner of his hiding place. He heard a sigh from behind him.

"I thought you were going to lead me to a good score. Not a bag of bones with barely a shred of life left." The boy heard another sigh. "It'll have to do for tonight. You clean up here." The boy listened as the source of the voice departed. A moment later he saw the old woman's hand slide back into the darkness and heard the sounds of ripping flesh and cracking bones.

The boy felt sick as he listened and tried to make himself smaller, bumping an object in the dark.

The ripping sounds stopped as he heard a low growl followed by a series of sniffs. Then the sounds of claws on stone as the creature fled.

The boy waited for a while before slowly removing himself from behind the crates. He had covered his mouth and nose as the smell of blood was overpowering. He stood over the remains of the mess that was formerly an elderly woman. "I'm sorry," he told her quietly.

"Hey!" called a voice from behind him.

He turned sharply at the sound spying a person at the end of the alley. The boy stared frozen in place.

The person looked at the corpse and gained a furious, hateful expression as they looked back at the young man. "You... demon," they said, voice writhing with anger.

The boy didn't register the comment. He was more concerned with the appearance of the person. Particularly their eyes. "They're red... Vampire!" he thought right as it charged him.
The boy's assailant drew two daggers from her sleeves before leaping towards the boy who was backing away. She quickly slashed her left dagger upwards.

Unable to escape her attack range in time the boy rose his arms to take the blow. The blade sliced through his coat and bit into the flesh of his right arm, drawing blood. He let out a yelp of pain as he stumbled backwards, gripping his arm.

Jumping back after she delivered her attack she gave the boy a glare,"Shut it. Murderers don't have the right to complain."

"Mu.. Murderer?" he asked, stunned as she charged him again. "You're wrong!" he defended himself. He made another attempt to evade.

She ignored his statement and brought down both her daggers, narrowly missing, but giving him a slight hair cut.

"Wait a minute!" he pleaded, watching her prepare a third attack.

"Why should I?" she growled. "I bet you didn't give her one."

"I wasn't the one who did this!" he replied.

"And you expect me to believe that?" she spat, standing straight.

The boy opened his mouth to reply, but a sudden movement behind the girl caught his eye.

In an instant the shadow lunged at the girl as she turned. It's fangs sunk into her right shoulder as it pinned her to the ground with it's weight.

The boy fell back in shock as he looked at the huge shadowy hound. It turned it's red eyes towards the boy with a vicious intent.

With a sudden swing of her arm the girl brought her left dagger though the belly of the beast causing it to dissipate and reform a few feet away. The girl got up on unsteady feet and faced the hound.

It gave a menacing growl, black saliva and red blood dripping from it's gaping maw.

"Come then," she answered, taking a fighting stance.

Without a second thought they charged each other. The girl dodged another bite aimed at her leg. Jumping she landed on the beast's head momentarily before springing behind it and striking at it again with her dagger. Like before, however the beast only reformed taking no damage.

"Thought so," the girl stated. "You're a summoned spirit, aren't you? Where's your master?" she asked receiving no reply. She pointed her dagger over her shoulder at the stunned boy. "That him?"

The hound gave an offended look before becoming infuriated. It charged her and attempted to bite her once again and the girl swung her right dagger at the beast. It met the blade with it's teeth and wrenched it out of her grasp. She followed up with her left dagger, slashing into the beast's head. The dagger dropped and skid until it hit the wall. The girl attempted to chase after the dagger, but was stopped with another attack by the hound.

"Keh, you're not going to make this easy are you?"


You say keep saying stall but i think you are scared to put it into writing. You don't want to commit to your writing because that stops  the it's in my head feeling. Having them do what they want is bad because you are not going anywhere with it. Like i said, you will just write and write and then stop because you have nowhere to go. Just like you are now. It's almost been a year now and you still don't have a completed chapter. At least that's when your post was created.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on March 23, 2016, 06:55:07 PM
Quote
if you finish your first chapter, post it in the manga creation and create a discussion page. I'll be the first one to critique it. Since this is just developmental and all.
This is the development area so yeah development... There is no need to to get critiques on the writing on my story after I've finished writing the part since that would still be "developing it"... The only other topic I will post for this story will be for the finished pages of the prologue.

Quote
I didn't see the ending. What is it?
You mean the ending to the entire story or the chapter?

Quote
To answer your question about your fight scene, just write it, don't think about. If you already know their profiles, just have them do what they are suppose to do. That is why you made profiles right? You have several options to make thomas look like a coward but still want to help. Have him scream tips like, "watch out behind You! while running. Have the girl realize he isn't a threat and protect thomas while he keeps trying to run for safety. Helping a woman doesn't make them "damsels in distress". You need moments of weakness or the audience will never like the character.  have him run, she screams in pain, not like "help me" pain but like "i'll kill you when i get the chance" pain scream. He comes back because he thought it would ruin him forever if he didn't help. He already said sorry to a old woman who died. He doesn't want to live in regret if he could do something.  If he helps her, not saves her, but helps her, she can keep the i could of done it without you attitude but still have a sense of comradery with him. Or this will be the moment you reveal a small portion of his power or something.
Again... like I said I already know what I'm going to do.

Quote
If you are concerned over the story being readable, i have to tell you it's hard to tell what's going on. You write "young man" and then you identify him as "boy."  Super confusing. You have to write with more details otherwise readers will have no idea what is going on. I don't have any feeling connecting myself with characters. Your tidbits of future chapters and arcs don't help at all since they are generalities and like you said, have major holes between them.
Yes, I know, the boy/young man thing is something I plan to change once go back after I complete the chapter. Details will be added as I think of them. I'm going to delete the arcs thing... no point in having it here if I don't update it.

Quote
Besides, if you are just story building, just give us the beats and not waste your time writing it if you will just illustrate it yourself.  Plus you could possibly waste even more time storyboarding it by having to re draw everything from scratch.
... I'm no Nizuma Eiji. Even then that is a horrible idea.

Quote
I would just merge what you got so far, it will be easier for everyone.
I'm going to do that when I finish the last piece. No point in having everyone reread the same thing over and over before they get to the new part.

Quote
You say keep saying stall but i think you are scared to put it into writing. You don't want to commit to your writing because that stops  the it's in my head feeling. Having them do what they want is bad because you are not going anywhere with it. Like i said, you will just write and write and then stop because you have nowhere to go. Just like you are now. It's almost been a year now and you still don't have a completed chapter. At least that's when your post was created.
I write when I'm satisfied with my idea of how to proceed. If I don't completely like an idea and go to write it I only end up deleting whatever I had written of it anyways. I only recently rebooted this project. It had just been a vague concept when I posted the topic then it got put on a back burner because of other projects and life. And I also have motivation issues so that's why I don't put time into writing/brainstorming very often.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: BobbyJoeXForgotenSB on March 24, 2016, 03:38:13 PM

What i want you to do (I said with so much audacity  ::))  is write a beat sheet for each chapter. Each beat is the event that moves the story forward.

TBH the writing does not matter as long as the creator knows what they are reading, i had someone tell me to write a script a certain way (using bullets) and it was bothersome for me, they even got mad at the fact that a 2 way convo is just going "quote" "quote" "quote" instead of "he said, and then he said, and then the other guy said" because I, MYSELF knows whos saying what, ok sure this is to be critiqued but pretty much you cant really make a writer change the way they write. not just that but it is kinda rude that you went and said that you WANT her to do it your way instead of her way where she feels the most comfortable
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on March 25, 2016, 11:48:19 AM
So instead of deleting the summary section I just changed how I will be presenting the information. It will now only show the summary for the part I will be currently working on as well as the already finished parts. I'll attempt to update it as I post new content.

Also I rewrote the summary for the first chapter to now fit what I wrote more closely. It contains spoilers for the part of the chapter that I have not written yet so I suggest not reading it if you'd like to wait for the actual content.

http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg247186.html#msg247186 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg247186.html#msg247186)
Title: Re: Grey - Question 3
Post by: Robin Ryuu on March 29, 2016, 07:54:05 PM
So I've been studying the Three-Act structure lately in an attempt to plan the story out in greater detail than the vague thing it is now. It has come to my attention that the MC Thomas, aka the young man, doesn't have much of an intro... (Trying to think of how to explain what I mean...) There wasn't much info provided about him in what I currently have written. I don't mean the stuff like his hair color and what not, that will be taken care of in the art, but rather the things like who he is, why he is there, or even his name.

I plan to reveal most of the stuff during the 2nd and 3rd chapters, but should I add some more to the first do you guys think? Like little hints or something. Just general advice on this area of writing would be nice too.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on April 07, 2016, 10:01:54 PM
^ Anybody?
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Hope4Future on April 07, 2016, 11:48:46 PM
Oops, i was gonna say something before but it slipped my mind

Anyway, based on what i remember (its been a while since i read your work), i recall a good amount of information about Thomas being mentioned; for someone in position anyway. Meaning that he shows up to this village as a mysterious strange looking for a place to stay ... what else is there to mention at this point?

Long story short  -_-  the first chapter, in my opinion, doesnt need to go too deep of an explanation about the characters but addressing the situation at least. I'm assuming that in ch.1, Thomas and Jasper meet up after defeating the enemy and then in ch.2 they chit chat with each other, right? If so then that should be fine, as long as his basics stand out in ch.1 to keep the reader curious about him.

Well i think that was the short version of what i was trying to say  :-X  hope that helps, i had similar situation within one of my own projects where a lot of info got knocked out of ch.1 and ended up knocking down ch.2 with just information T.T

PS - i totally forgot about the Three-Act structure, now i kinda wanna look back into it
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on April 11, 2016, 04:27:44 PM
Quote
Oops, i was gonna say something before but it slipped my mind
It's alright. :ninja:

Quote
Anyway, based on what i remember (its been a while since i read your work), i recall a good amount of information about Thomas being mentioned; for someone in position anyway. Meaning that he shows up to this village as a mysterious strange looking for a place to stay ... what else is there to mention at this point?

Long story short  -_-  the first chapter, in my opinion, doesnt need to go too deep of an explanation about the characters but addressing the situation at least. I'm assuming that in ch.1, Thomas and Jasper meet up after defeating the enemy and then in ch.2 they chit chat with each other, right? If so then that should be fine, as long as his basics stand out in ch.1 to keep the reader curious about him.

Well i think that was the short version of what i was trying to say  :-X  hope that helps, i had similar situation within one of my own projects where a lot of info got knocked out of ch.1 and ended up knocking down ch.2 with just information T.T
That's basically what I was thinking yeah. I got the same opinion from my brother in law too.

Quote
PS - i totally forgot about the Three-Act structure, now i kinda wanna look back into it
I'm going to make a topic about my thoughts on it here shortly.  ;)
Title: Grey - Progress Update on the Prologue
Post by: Robin Ryuu on April 11, 2016, 08:41:43 PM
Progress Update Part 1

If anyone is curious about how the prologue's pages are coming along here is this...
Page 1: Shows the outside of the mansion/guild.

Page 2: 1st panel is still a sketch, top of door needs finished, books/shelf/box needs more color variation, need to add Jasper's shadow.
(http://pre00.deviantart.net/8f68/th/pre/f/2016/102/5/9/prologue_pg_2_wip_6_by_robinryuu-d9yhjsj.png)

Page 3: Most of it is still a sketch. Need to add the dialogue:

Man: "How would you like another mission?"

Jasper: "Where to?"

Man: "To a town in the west called Evansburg. A normally peaceful place, but recently there have been a string of murders where the corpses have been found partially devoured."

Man: "We have been contracted to find the culprit and stop it."
(http://pre08.deviantart.net/4191/th/pre/f/2016/102/7/8/prologue_pg_3_wip_3_by_robinryuu-d9ypqi4.png)

Page 4: Is only vaguely sketched. Need to add the dialogue:

Jasper: "Right, I know the drill."

Man: "Jasper... I was told that this mission was given to several teams before us and that they ended up as corpses themselves shortly after arriving."

Man: "It is likely that the culprit is among the strongest that you have faced thus far. Are you certain that you'd like to accept th..."

From off-page: "Talking to yourself again, Chief?"
(http://pre10.deviantart.net/2062/th/pre/f/2016/102/4/6/prologue_pg_4_wip_1_by_robinryuu-d9ymfx4.png)

Page 5: It's this part:

(The man opened an eye spying a tall younger man standing where the girl had been. "Hexus? Where is Jasper?"

"I saw her running down the hall a moment ago," Hexus replied, walking forward.

The older man sighed. "That girl needs to learn a thing or two about patience."

After a few moments they heard a whinny and turned to look out the window.)
_____________________________________________________

Page 6: It's this part:

(The girl raced out of the courtyard on horseback.

"She'll be fine," stated Hexus.

"I hope so," replied the older man as he watched her pass out of view.)



Progress Update Part 2

I'm gonna be adding on to the prologue.

It will have a scene change after where it currently ends to one of the victim's murder that happens before Thomas gets there. It should set the tone and I did show the spot it happened at in the first chapter, where Thomas passes it. It'll make the readers go, "Hey... isn't that where that happened?"

I'm not sure how I'm going to write the scene yet though.


Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on April 16, 2016, 02:57:02 AM
Just a heads up... I'm gonna be rewriting a part of Chapter 1, Part 1 again. Possibly a few lines of Part 2 as well. We'll see...

Also I'm reformatting how I write. I stole WhiteCrow's scripting style, slightly modified, and have been working on converting what I already have.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Hope4Future on April 16, 2016, 03:24:46 AM
Just a heads up... I'm gonna be rewriting a part of Chapter 1, Part 1 again. Possibly a few lines of Part 2 as well. We'll see...

rewriting again? just don't get caught up in that Writers Block, it gets really hard to shake off once it happens.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on April 16, 2016, 03:29:56 AM
Just a heads up... I'm gonna be rewriting a part of Chapter 1, Part 1 again. Possibly a few lines of Part 2 as well. We'll see...

rewriting again? just don't get caught up in that Writers Block, it gets really hard to shake off once it happens.
Don't worry. I'm actually making progress. Rereading what I wrote gave me an idea that I think improves it a bit, that's all.  ;)
Title: Re: Grey - Prologue, Part 1, Version 2.
Post by: Robin Ryuu on April 16, 2016, 03:30:18 AM
Prologue, Part 1, Version 2.
Page 1:

Panel 1: (Full page)

- Shows the outside of the mansion like guildhall at an angle with a forest in the background. Morning.


Page 2:

Panel 1: (Upper left corner)

- Shows the Chief siting at a desk, writing, with his back to an open window.

SFX: "Knock-" x2 (Lower right corner. Lines up with Jasper's hand in the next panel.)

Panel 2:

- Shows Jasper, full body, standing in the doorway, left hand showing that she had knocked. (Left side)

Jasper: Morgan said you wanted to see me for something?

Chief (=): Ah, Jasper.

Chief (Off-page, bottom): Yes, I did.


Page 3:

Panel 1: (Full page)

- Viewed from looking over the desk with just the Chief's folded hands visible. (Bottom half) Jasper can seen leaning against the door. (Top half)

Chief (=): How would you like another mission?

Jasper: Where to?

Chief (=): To a town on the western border called Evansburg. A normally peaceful place, but recently there have been a string of murders where the corpses have been found partially devoured.

Chief (To his hands): We have been contracted to find the culprit and stop it.


Page 4:

Panel 1: (Top half)

- A close up of Jasper starting to turn away and leave, but looking behind her. (Right) The chief sitting at his desk behind her. (Left)

Jasper: Right, I know the drill.

Panel 2: (Bottom half)

- A close up of the Chief showing a worried expression. (Left)

Chief (=) : Jasper...

Chief (=): I was told that this mission was given to several teams before us and that they ended up as corpses themselves shortly after arriving.

Chief (Overlapped by next bubble.): It is likely that the culprit is among the strongest that you have faced thus far. Are you certain that you'd like to accept th(

Hexus (From off-page, bottom): Talking to yourself again, Chief?


Page 5:

Panel 1: (Top third)

- A half-body shot of Hexus who is leaning with his arm propped on the doorway. (Left)

Chief (=): Hexus?

Chief (=): Where is Jasper?

Panel 2: (Middle third)

- a setting shot of the room. Hexus walking to the right. (Left or Center) Chief at his desk. (Right)

Hexus: Already gone. She ran past me in the hall.

Chief: That girl needs to learn a thing or two about patience.

Panel 3: (Bottom third)

- Viewed from outside the guildhall looking in through the window. Hexus and the Chief are looking outside.

SFX: "Whinny" (Large, obviously placed)


Page 6:

Panel 1: ("L" panel)

- A character view shot of Jasper on horse back coming toward the viewer. (Left) The guildhall is behind her with the window visible. (Upper right)

Panel 2: (Middle right)

- Hexus and the Chief seen from the front, angled slightly.

Hexus: She'll be fine.

Panel 3: (Bottom third)

- A shot of the Chief looking out the at the departing Jasper. Seen from partly behind him looking out too.

Chief: I hope so.
Title: Re: Grey - Backstory Update
Post by: Robin Ryuu on April 22, 2016, 10:18:28 PM
Alright... so as of the day before yesterday Jasper now has a fairly complete backstory. That takes care of both the mains' backgrounds... At least in concept form...

I have several arcs planned out for points the comic that reveal Thomas' story... However I am having trouble figuring out how to include/introduce Jasper's as part of the main story. They are both the MCs, but Thomas is the one the story tends to follow. Jasper's backstory is more complex than what Thomas dealt with so I'm not sure how to keep a balance between the two throughout the series.

I dunno if there's any advice to be given on the subject... If anyone wants to hear about the problem more in depth you can PM me. I'm not going to be giving out much info on the arcs ahead of the current one to this public thread. Because of spoilers and such. I'll probably delete the things I had previously written like the summary of Fang and Thomas' arc and the backstories in their bios.
Title: Re: Grey - Milo's Info
Post by: Robin Ryuu on April 23, 2016, 05:08:13 AM
Still incomplete, but meh. Here's the thing for Jasper's dad and the leader of the bounty hunting guild, Strays.

Milo's Info
Alias: Chief
Full Name: Milo Lenz
Gender: Male
Their age: N/A
Species: Human
Background Info: A former knight turned bounty hunter when his wife and young son were murdered. The adoptive father of Jasper Lenz and the leader of the Strays.
Their personality:
Things they like: N/A
Things they dislike: N/A
Weapon(s): Sword fighter and magic user.
Appearance: N/A
Other: N/A
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: OhGodHelpMe on April 23, 2016, 03:12:00 PM
This My Low Lens guy is shaping up to be interesting. Does he literally hunt for bounties or did he turn into more of a Punisher type of character?
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on April 23, 2016, 03:23:50 PM
Quote
This My Low Lens guy is shaping up to be interesting.
Why the name thing? Thanks though.

Quote
Does he literally hunt for bounties or did he turn into more of a Punisher type of character?
Sorta a punisher who softened a bit... And he does collect the bounties. They gotta eat after all.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: OhGodHelpMe on April 23, 2016, 05:08:12 PM
Whenever a name can be broken into actual words, I just instinctively do that. It's how a few of my own characters have hidden their identities. That or anagrams involving the name. Like

Tobi-Obito

Sloth Demon-Tom Sheldon

Toe, Knee, Son, Dough- Toni Sundou

It's just fun
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on April 23, 2016, 11:02:20 PM
@OhGodHelpMe

lol I see.



Random fact I looked up because I was curious... This story's concept was created on February 22, 2015. (I kept a concept note post at my forum. :sure:)

It's come a long way. Hopefully it'll go even farther.
Title: Re: Grey - Writing and Art Statuses
Post by: Robin Ryuu on June 16, 2016, 01:56:52 AM
Current Statuses:

Not Started
Some Progress
Almost Finished
Completed



Chapter 0:

Part 1:

       Script:
       Concept Art:
       Page Art:
Part 2:

       Script:
       Concept Art:
       Page Art:

Chapter 1:

Part 1:

       Script:
       Concept Art:
       Page Art:
Part 2:

       Script:
       Concept Art:
       Page Art:
Part 3:

       Script:
       Concept Art:
       Page Art:
Part 4:

       Script:
       Concept Art:
       Page Art:
Title: Re: Grey - Question about genres
Post by: Robin Ryuu on June 16, 2016, 09:14:09 PM
So... I'm trying to figure out the genres for this story. There are a few that I think fit.


What do people think?
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Hope4Future on June 16, 2016, 09:38:45 PM
Action - check

Fantasy - check

Drama - check

Romance - hmm, if i'm right then check

Thriller - idk how to determine this, i guess it depends if you think it is

btw, if i might add one to the list: Supernatural. its got vampires, werewolves, and demons implied so i feel like this would bundle in well.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Echo_River on June 16, 2016, 09:58:19 PM
Genres I currently think it is:

- Fantasy
- Action
- Adventure
- I think you dropped a few romance hints in the AoC CMs, so I suppose that can be anticipated.
- Mystery, perhaps.
- Paranormal...? But your characters are like different races, so it's not exactly quite in the genre...
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays Update (Possibly on hold)
Post by: Robin Ryuu on July 15, 2016, 09:27:42 PM
So... I'm having trouble focusing on this specific story do to some other things going on in my life at the moment so it's likely going to be on hold or at least slow going until I figure some personal stuff out.

On the other hand I have been making progress on my other series, The Keystone Trilogy, and should be posting some updates on the story's topic sometime soon.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays - Skype Invite
Post by: Robin Ryuu on September 16, 2016, 08:46:15 PM
Alright so I've been only posting bits and pieces of stories and info without really giving too much away because of spoilers and such, but if anyone wants to know more in depth and actually learn about the entire project and discuss it with me in more detail than can be done here you can talk to me on skype.

My username is robinryuu.

I would prefer that only people who I have actually talked to on here to add me, so no random people. Please tell me who you are in the message thingy.

I might make an actual chat group if people express an interest in it.

Of course anyone who helps/has helped is going to be mentioned in the credits when this project finally gets rolling.
Title: Re: Grey - Prologue, Part 2
Post by: Robin Ryuu on September 21, 2016, 01:46:01 PM
Prologue, Part 2
Page 7:

Panel 1: (Top third)

- The setting is dark and rainy, showing the silhouette of Evansburg in the distance.

SFX: “PLIP” “PLIP” “PLIP” (Small, towards the bottom of the panel)

Panel 2: (Middle third, bottom is slanted with the higher end being on the right)

- The panel focuses on several birds, perched on a store sign hanging under a roof, taking shelter from the rain.

SFX: “PLIP” “PLIP” “PLIP” (Small, towards the bottom of the panel)

SFX: “SPLASH” (Small, lower right)

Panel 3: (Bottom third, left side)

- A panel of a large boot splashing in a puddle of water.

SFX: “SPLASH” (Medium sized)

Panel 4: (Bottom third, right side)

- The same view as panel 2 except that the rightmost sign chain has been shattered with a bullet streak going through that point and the birds are seen going off panel.
 
SFX: “CLACK” (Medium, by the break in the chain)

SFX: “BANG” x2 (Large, towards the right lower corner)


Page 8:

Panel 1: (Top 2/5)

- A bulky man leans against a brick wall with a pistol in hand, blood trickling down from a large, ragged bite wound that can be seen on his left shoulder, under his other hand. His face can not be seen, but from his neck you can see that he is looking to his right, down the alley where the sign dangles from its remaining chain.

SFX: “THUD” (Small, by his shoulder)

Panel 2: (Middle fifth, left)

- A view of the man’s bloody hand pushing off the wall.

“Man” (=): Come on…

SFX: “PUSH” (small)

Panel 3: (Middle fifth, right)

- A close up of the gun being aimed.

“Man”: I know you’re not dead yet.

Panel 4: (Bottom 2/5)

- A view out the alley to the larger street with the storefront visible. Just past the store is total darkness.

SFX: “GRRRRR” (Large, middle, low)


Page 9:

Panel 1: (Top 3/7)

- A full body view of the man pointing the gun towards the viewer (left). A pair of red eyes are visible in the large portion of black space behind the man.

SFX: “PLIP” “PLIP” “PLIP” (small, bottom)

Panel 2: (Middle 2/7, left third)

-  The man can be seen close up from behind. He is looking over his shoulder.

SFX: “SWISH” (small)

Panel 3: (Middle 2/7, right third)

- Shows the gun with motion lines.

Panel 4: (Bottom 2/7)

- A side shot of the man firing his gun (Left) and a black humanoid blur rushing toward him (Right).


Page 10:

Panel 1: (Full page)

- Pure black background with a large streak of red blood.

“Demon” (By the bottom): Too slow, old man.

SFX: “SLASH” (Medium, parallel to the blood)
Title: Re: Grey - Chapter 0 (Prologue)
Post by: Robin Ryuu on September 21, 2016, 01:56:06 PM
Completed Chapter 0 (Prologue)
Page 1:

Panel 1: (Full page)

- Shows the outside of the mansion like guildhall at an angle with a forest in the background. Morning.


Page 2:

Panel 1: (Upper left corner)

- Shows a man sitting at a desk, writing, with his back to an open window.

SFX: "KNOCK-" (x2 Lower right corner. Lines up with the girl's hand in the next panel.)

Panel 2: ("L" panel)

- Shows a full body of a girl standing in the doorway, left hand showing that she had knocked (Left side).

“Girl in the doorway”: Morgan said you wanted to see me for something?

“Man at the desk” (=): Ah, Jasper.

“Man at the desk” (Off-page, bottom): Yes, I did.


Page 3:

Panel 1: (Full page)

- Viewed from looking over the desk with just the Chief's folded hands visible (Bottom half). Jasper can seen leaning against the door (Top half).

“Man at the desk” (=): How would you like another mission?

{“Girl in the doorway”} Jasper: Where to?

“Man at the desk” (=): To a town on the western border called Evansburg. A normally peaceful place, but recently there have been a string of disappearances where their remains are later found, or at least pieces of them. The bodies appear to have been devoured and there were traces of dark magic so I've been told.

“Man at the desk” (To his hands): We have been contracted to find the culprit and stop it.


Page 4:

Panel 1: (Top half)

- A close up of Jasper starting to turn away and leave, but looking behind her (Right). The man sitting at his desk behind her (Left).

Jasper: Right, I know the drill.

Panel 2: (Bottom half)

- A close up of the man showing a worried expression and closing his eyes (Left).

“Man at the desk” (=): Jasper...

“Man at the desk” (=): I was told that this mission was given to several teams before us and that they ended up as corpses themselves shortly after arriving.

“Man at the desk”: It is likely that the culprit is among the strongest that you have faced thus far. Are you certain that you'd like to accept th(Overlapped by next bubble.)

“Man in the doorway” (From off-page, bottom): Talking to yourself again, Chief?


Page 5:

Panel 1: (Top third)

- A half-body shot of a man who is leaning with his arm propped on the doorway (Left).

{“Man at the desk”} Chief (=): Hexus?

Chief (=): Where is Jasper?

Panel 2: (Middle third)

- a setting shot of the room with the man walking to the right from the door (Left or Center). Chief at his desk (Right).

{Man in the doorway} Hexus: Already gone. She ran past me in the hall.

Chief: That girl needs to learn a thing or two about patience.

Panel 3: (Bottom third)

- Viewed from outside the guildhall looking in through the window. Hexus and the Chief are looking outside.

SFX: "WHINNY" (Large, obviously placed)


Page 6:

Panel 1: ("L" panel)

- A character view shot of Jasper on horseback coming toward the viewer (Left). The guildhall is behind her with the window visible (Upper right).

Panel 2: (Middle right)

- Hexus and the Chief seen from the front, angled slightly.

Hexus: She'll be fine.

Panel 3: (Bottom third)

- A shot of the Chief looking out the at the departing Jasper. Seen from partly behind him looking out too.

Chief: I hope so.


Page 7:

Panel 1: (Top third)

- The setting is dark and rainy, showing the silhouette of Evansburg in the distance.

SFX: “PLIP” “PLIP” “PLIP” (Small, towards the bottom of the panel)

Panel 2: (Middle third, bottom is slanted with the higher end being on the right)

- The panel focuses on several birds, perched on a store sign hanging under a roof, taking shelter from the rain.

SFX: “PLIP” “PLIP” “PLIP” (Small, towards the bottom of the panel)

SFX: “SPLASH” (Small, lower right)

Panel 3: (Bottom third, left side)

- A panel of a large boot splashing in a puddle of water.

SFX: “SPLASH” (Medium sized)

Panel 4: (Bottom third, right side)

- The same view as panel 2 except that the rightmost sign chain has been shattered with a bullet streak going through that point and the birds are seen going off panel.
 
SFX: “CLACK” (Medium, by the break in the chain)

SFX: “BANG” x2 (Large, towards the right lower corner)


Page 8:

Panel 1: (Top 2/5)

- A bulky man leans against a brick wall with a pistol in hand, blood trickling down from a large, ragged bite wound that can be seen on his left shoulder, under his other hand. His face can not be seen, but from his neck you can see that he is looking to his right, down the alley where the sign dangles from its remaining chain.

SFX: “THUD” (Small, by his shoulder)

Panel 2: (Middle fifth, left)

- A view of the man’s bloody hand pushing off the wall.

“Man” (=): Come on…

SFX: “PUSH” (small)

Panel 3: (Middle fifth, right)

- A close up of the gun being aimed.

“Man”: I know you’re not dead yet.

Panel 4: (Bottom 2/5)

- A view out the alley to the larger street with the storefront visible. Just past the store is total darkness.

SFX: “GRRRRR” (Large, middle, low)


Page 9:

Panel 1: (Top 3/7)

- A full body view of the man pointing the gun towards the viewer (left). A pair of red eyes are visible in the large portion of black space behind the man.

SFX: “PLIP” “PLIP” “PLIP” (small, bottom)

Panel 2: (Middle 2/7, left third)

-  The man can be seen close up from behind. He is looking over his shoulder.

SFX: “SWISH” (small)

Panel 3: (Middle 2/7, right third)

- Shows the gun with motion lines.

Panel 4: (Bottom 2/7)

- A side shot of the man firing his gun (Left) and a black humanoid blur rushing toward him (Right).


Page 10:

Panel 1: (Full page)

- Pure black background with a large streak of red blood.

“Monster” (By the bottom): Too slow, old man.

SFX: “SLASH” (Medium, parallel to the blood)


Old Versions and Separate Parts
Part 1
Version 1
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg247714.html#msg247714 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg247714.html#msg247714)
Version 2
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg259638.html#msg259638 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg259638.html#msg259638)
Part 2
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg270494.html#msg270494 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg270494.html#msg270494)
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays (Prologue in Progress)
Post by: OhGodHelpMe on September 22, 2016, 10:06:16 PM
Oh this is still going? Seem like it disappeared for a while
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays (Prologue Ready for Review)
Post by: Robin Ryuu on September 22, 2016, 10:21:38 PM
Oh this is still going? Seem like it disappeared for a while
Indeed. I've been working on it as a way to de-stress in between classes and such.



The prologue is now complete and ready to be reviewed.

http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg270495.html#msg270495 (http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,13239.msg270495.html#msg270495)
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays - Song List
Post by: Robin Ryuu on October 05, 2016, 05:10:49 PM
Songs/Themes:
May or may not contain spoilers and the songs aren't a "perfect" match.

Band - Song - Arc - Character(s) - (Other)

Thousand Foot Krutch - Born Again - Arc 1 - Aldric - (Not very close, but the feel and a few phrases.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTIZ7JgOhSg
Skillet - Monster - Arc 1 - Thomas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9NStVkSCuk
Three Days Grace - Animal I Have Become - Arc 3 - Thomas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdr759QFMJc
Lauren Aquilina - King - Arc 3 - Jasper to Thomas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZeVx_9au5g
Imagine Dragons - Monster - Arc 4 - Thomas - (Backstory)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGbNbn8tB5k&feature=iv&src_vid=hhSA9H9Iaqw&annotation_id=annotation_3448963125
Starset - Halo - Arc 6 - Thomas and Jasper
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Qw4IpcIMqw
Trading Yesterday - May I - Arc 8 - Thomas to Jasper
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z823DvGnPjM
Starset - CARNIVORE - Arc 9 - Thomas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAMiX5EEbFU
We Are the Fallen - Don't Leave Me Behind - Arc 9 - Jasper to Thomas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHZUwXM_xMA
We Are The Fallen - I Will Stay - Arc 11 - Jasper to Thomas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1aDteg0wqSg
My Darkest Days - Still Worth Fighting For - Arc 13 - Thomas to Jasper
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mz_9N3Ggz38
Skillet - Not Gonna Die - Arc 13 - Thomas and Jasper
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XGtsz03X48
The Cab - Take My Hand Arc 13 - Thomas to Jasper
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-mMtg-Zp4Q
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays (Prologue Ready for Review/Critique)
Post by: Robin Ryuu on October 10, 2016, 10:53:32 AM
Just a reminder that the prologue/chapter 0 is scripted and ready to be looked at.

Also while I'm at it, the reformatted version of chapter 1, part 1 should be posted here within the next few days. Hopefully I can get the other parts finished soon as well so that I can get to writing the next 4-5 chapters (they're already planned out for the most part). The reformatted section has a little bit of new content relevant to the later chapters so be sure to check it out when it's up.
Title: Re: Grey - Chapter 1, Part 1, Version 3
Post by: Robin Ryuu on October 21, 2016, 01:35:00 PM
Chapter 1, Part 1, Version 3
Page 1:

Panel 1: (Top 3/4)

- A view of a one horse carriage coming toward the viewer.

SFX: “CLOP-CLOP” (By the horse’s hooves)

Panel 2: (Bottom 1/4)

- A view from outside the carriage looking in through the window. A hand with a note can be seen through it.


Page 2:

Panel 1: (Top 1/2)

- A young man sits in a carriage looking at a small piece of paper.

SFX: “KNOCK-” (x2, small, near the young man’s head)

Panel 2: (Bottom 1/2)

- The young man shoves the hand that had the note in his travel bag as he looks at the spot the knock came from.

“Coachman”: We’ve arrived.


Page 3:

Panel 1: (Top)

- Forest, evening. A character shot of the young man as he stands stretching with one eye open looking towards the coachman (Left). The coachman looking down at the young man out of the corner of his eye (Right).

“Coachman”: Sure you want dropped off here?

“Young man”: Yes. Why?

Panel 2: (Middle left)

- A close up of the coachman giving the young man a wary look.

“Coachman”: I suggest not staying long.

Panel 3: (Middle right)

- Seen from slightly behind the young man, close up, as he stands scratching his head/neck, looking right (Left). Shows the carriage in the distance (Upper right).

Panel 4: (Bottom)

- Close up of a broken signpost laying on the ground partially hidden by tall grass. On the sign is "Evansburg" along with an arrow pointing right (Left). The young man can be seen farther down the road walking toward a walled town located on a hill with a large lake and river nearby (Right).


Page 4:

Panel 1: (Top third)

- The young man can be seen from a distance, walking towards the viewer into the town through the main gate. The view angle is near the ground and under an object.The area should give the impression of it being empty.

Panel 2: (Middle third, left 3/4)

- In the foreground there are a few men looking away from the viewer at the young man in the background. The people in the foreground have wary glares while the young man is glancing back at them, looking worried.

Panel 3: (Middle third, right 1/4)

- A close up of the young man with a disappointed look.

SFX: “SIGH” (Small)

Panel 4: (Bottom third)

- Scene view of the setting sun behind the town.

“Young man”: Guess I should find a place to sleep.


Page 5:

Panel 1: (Top left 1/4)

- Shows an inn sign with the text “The White Hare” and an image of a leaping rabbit carved into it.

Panel 2: (Top right 1/4)

- Shows a gloved hand about to knock.

Panel 3: (Middle 2/4)

- Shows a woman sewing a tear in a child’s shirt in the foreground (Left). Shows a door in the background (Right).

SFX: “KNOCK-” (x2 by the door)

Panel 4: (Bottom left 1/4)

- Shows a close up of the woman’s worried expression.

Panel 5: (Bottom right 1/4)

- Half body of the woman standing at the door.

“Woman” (=): Who is it?


Page 6:

Panel 1: (Full page)

- The page is split down the middle by a closed door with the young man and the woman talking through it.

“Young man”: I'm a traveler. I am looking for a room for the night.

“Woman” (=): ...

“Woman” (=): I'm sorry, but I don't have any rooms available at the moment

“Woman”: Please leave.


Page 7:

Panel 1: (Top)

- A half-body of the young man who is looking to the left side of the page, opposite the door.

“Child” (=/Placed over the door): Mommy...

Panel 2: ("L" panel)

- Full-body shot of the young man looking over his left shoulder at the door. Same angle as Panel 1.

“Child” (Placed over the door): I'm scared.

“Woman”: Hush little one.

Panel 3: (Bottom right corner)

- A close up of the young man with a worried expression.


Page 8:

Panel 1: (Center)

- A full body of the young man who is walking and looking around with a worried look. No background.

Panel 2: (Border)

- Multiple panels arranged to resemble cracked glass behind the young man. They show some of the things young man sees as he walks. Possible ideas include boarded up buildings, a group of vagrants who give him wary stares, a couple feral cats in an alley, etc... The panel in the lower right corner should have a damaged store sign, the type held to a porch ceiling by two chains, dangling by one chain.


Page 9:

Panel 1: (Full page)

- Shows the young man pausing in front of an alley that was closed off with various talismans and seals. Seen from behind the young man.


Page 10:

Panel 1: (Full page)

- Reversing views to be from inside the alley, the young man can be seen starting to walk past the entrance in the background (Left). In the foreground a dark blur can be seen going across the lower portion of the screen (Right).

SFX: “DASH” (Small, by the bottom)


Page 11:

Panel 1: (Top 2/5)

- Shows the young man in the foreground walking away from the viewer. There is a shabby looking inn (left) and a couple of vagrants by a fire (right) in the background.

Panel 2: (Middle 1/5, left 1/3)

- Shows the young man knocking.

SFX: “KNOCK” (x2)

Panel 3: (Middle 1/5, right 2/3)

- Shows a crow.

SFX: “CAW” (x2, by the crow)

Panel 4: (Bottom 2/5, left 1/2)

- Shows the young man turned around and looking up at the crow (left). The door is opened behind the young man (right).

SFX: “OPENS” (In the doorway)

Panel 5: (Bottom 2/5, right 1/2)

- Shows a large man glaring at the young man.

“Large man” (=): Travelers aren't welcome here anymore.

“Large man”: Leave.


Page 12:

Panel 1: (Top Third, 1/4, far left)

- Half body, seen from slightly behind, same for the next 3 panels. The young man standing at the open door with his right hand raised slightly.

Young man: But...

SFX: "SLAM" (Large and between panels 1 and 2 though mostly on 2.)

Panel 2: (Top Third, 1/4, middle left)

- The young man standing at the now closed door, flinching.

Panel 3: (Top Third, 1/4, middle right)

- The young man looks at the door with a worried look.

SFX: "CHANK-" (Small, by the door handle)

SFX: "BWAH-HA-HA-HA" (Large, starts on panel 3, goes through 4, and curves downward to come from Vagrant 1 in panel 5.)

Panel 4:  (Top Third, 1/4, far right)

- The young man looks slightly toward the reader with an annoyed look.

Panel 5: (Bottom 2 thirds)

- Scene shot of The vagrant group in the foreground and the inn in the background. The young man is walking down the inn's steps (Upper left). The first vagrant is drinking from an alcohol bottle (Lower right). And the second vagrant is tending a fire (Lower left).

“Young man”: What's so funny?


Page 13:

Panel 1: (Full page)

- A view down the desolate street with the characters’ shadows stretching across the brick road. A crow is perched on a rooftop.

“Young man” (Off page): What happened here? I thought this place was supposed to be a bustling market town.

“Fire tender” (Off page, =): It had been.

“Fire tender” (Off page): I'm surprised you haven't heard of what's been happening lately.

“Young man” (Off page): I haven't had the chance to learn the latest news for a while...

“Fire tender” (Off page): Most of the people here left a few months back when this town turned into a monster's feeding ground.

“Young man” (Off page): A monster!?


Page 14:

Panel 1: (Top 2/5)

- Shows the drinking man spitting on the fire and the young man jumping back to avoid the alcohol induced flare.

SFX: “-SPIT” (Small, by the drinking man’s mouth)

SFX: “FLARE” (By the fire)

Panel 2: (Bottom 3/5)

- Shows the three characters with the young man giving the drinking man a wary glare.

“Drinking man”: En there's us who've got nowhere to go.

“Fire tender”: The people who remain have become wary of those who are brave or foolish enough to walk these streets and have barred their doors to strangers. I don't blame them for hiding if they can.

“Young man” (=): I see...

SFX: “COUGH” (x2, between the fire tender’s speech bubbles)


Page 15:

Panel 1: (Top 1/2)

- Shows the group from about waist up with the drinking man pointing his bottle towards the young man, tipping it dangerously.

“Young man”: Do either of you know the whereabouts of a man named Everard Wruck?

“Fire tender” (ooo): The smuggler?

“Drinking man”: I’ll tell ya if ya got tha coins.

“Fire tender” (=): He's dead.

Panel 2: (Bottom 1/2)

- A grayed out image of a group of fishermen looking towards the viewer at a severed head that is dangling from a fishing rod hook. One of the men looks sick, another is standing back with a grim expression, and another is trying to steady the man who is still holding the pole after he fell back in shock.

“Fire tender” (=): Some fisherman found his body in the river yesterday…

“Fire tender”: What was left of it rather.


Page 16:

Panel 1: (Top 2/6)

- A view of the young man rubbing his the back of his neck.

“Young man”: Where can I find a ride out?

“Drinking man”: Gettin col feet are ya?

SFX: “BWAH-HA-HA” (Small, by the drinking man)

Panel 2: (Middle 1/6)

- A close up of the young man’s worried expression.

“Fire tender” (=): No coachmen have lingered here ever since the citizens and travelers fled.

Panel 3: (Bottom 3/6)

- Shows the two vagrants sitting on either side of the fire with the fire tender giving the drinking man a glare.

“Fire tender” (=): There is the option of going to the town's guildhall. If you've got the coins, there might be someone who could escort you to the next town over.

“Drinking man”: Bunch'a cowards if ya ask me.

“Fire tender”: Good men have died facing the demon.

SFX: “SNORT” (Small, by the drinking man)


Page 17:

Panel 1: (Top 1/3)

- Shows the fire tender looking towards the viewer with a quizzical look (Left). The drinking man can be seen scowling in the background (Right).

“Young man” (From off page): Ah… I can’t go there.

Panel 2: (Middle left 1/3)

- A view of the young man’s boots with one foot stepping.

“Young man” (From off page): Thanks for the help.

“Fire tender” (From off page): May the Gods ward you on your journey.

SFX: “STEP” (By the young man’s boots)

Panel 3: (“L panel” middle right 1/3 + bottom 1/3)

- Seen from slightly behind the fire tender as he watches the young man walk away.

“Fire tender”: Be careful, boy. All the attacks took place during the night.


Page 18:

Panel 1: (Full Page)

- In the background show the young man walking away down the street (Top 1/3). In the foreground show the two vagrants sitting and talking (Bottom 2/3).

“Drinking man”: Could'a made ah killin.

“Fire tender”: You would only buy more liquor.

“Drinking man”: Bah. I wan't share with ya then.

“Fire tender”: You would never part with even a drop.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays (Prologue Ready for Review/Critique)
Post by: OhGodHelpMe on October 22, 2016, 04:02:27 PM
I wonder how long this would take to make a manga out of all of this  :notunderstand:
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays (Prologue Ready for Review/Critique)
Post by: Robin Ryuu on October 22, 2016, 11:09:27 PM
At my current pace... probably around 70 years (not an exaggeration, I did some math).

I'll do my best though.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays (Prologue Ready for Review/Critique)
Post by: Ataraxia Studios on October 23, 2016, 12:51:09 PM
Hey comrade! Just read the prologue.

I'd say it's pretty solid. Sets the setting and the tone pretty well :)

As you go further in your story, or once it's fully written out, you could adjust the prologue to better fit the rest of the story, if need be.

Looking forward to reading the next completed chapter!

At my current pace... probably around 70 years (not an exaggeration, I did some math).

I'll do my best though.

As for this. Don't worry about it. After you write the story and make it the best it can be, you could then get people to help you.

Whatever you current pace is, it won't be constant





Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays (Prologue Ready for Review/Critique)
Post by: Robin Ryuu on October 23, 2016, 07:18:44 PM
Quote
Hey comrade! Just read the prologue.

I'd say it's pretty solid. Sets the setting and the tone pretty well :)

As you go further in your story, or once it's fully written out, you could adjust the prologue to better fit the rest of the story, if need be.

Looking forward to reading the next completed chapter!
Thank you for reading. I'm glad you liked it.

Quote
As for this. Don't worry about it. After you write the story and make it the best it can be, you could then get people to help you.

Whatever you current pace is, it won't be constant
My time is being eaten up by schoolwork currently, but hopefully that won't last forever. As for working in a team I'd have no idea what I'd even do with that honestly. ^^;
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays (Prologue Ready for Review/Critique)
Post by: Coryn on November 26, 2016, 03:42:37 PM
To answer your primary question: Yes, it is interesting enough to keep someone interested. Although it seems you've done a fair few rewrites?

I don't know the circumstances, but my advice is generally to just push through and finish a draft, then worry about going back and making changes. It's all about getting something that's finished, something that can be presented. Once you have that, you can see the story as a whole, and understand it as a better level. You'll see the weak points, and where you can prevent them.

It was good though, I have no real complaints about characters or plot at this stage. Good luck in pushing forward!
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays (Prologue Ready for Review/Critique)
Post by: legomaestro on November 27, 2016, 07:25:51 PM
Review for Prologue and Chapter 1
1.  SFX: "KNOCK-" (x2 Lower right corner. Lines up with the girl's hand in the next panel.)
Panel 2: ("L" panel)
- Shows a full body of a girl standing in the doorway, left hand showing that she had knocked (Left side).
“Girl in the doorway”: Morgan said you wanted to see me for something?
“Man at the desk” (=): Ah, Jasper.

- So a bunch of formatting questions here. Quotation marks are a bit confusing to see for character names. It's better to capitalize them. The same with SFX: KNOCK because the colon already tells the reader that a sound is going to be made yet. The quotation marks seem redundant.
- What is an L panel?
- What does the '=' sign stand for?
-I'd just suggest making things easy for a potential artist to understand right away what the directions are for the script.

2. “Man at the desk” (=): To a town on the western border called Evansburg. A normally peaceful place, but recently there have been a string of murders where the corpses have been found partially devoured.
“Man at the desk” (To his hands): We have been contracted to find the culprit and stop it.
- If he's saying 'It' I guess he knows it's a creature of some sort?
- Never thought to ask, but does it count as murder when an animal kills someone?

3. - A close up of Jasper starting to turn away and leave, but looking behind her (Right). The man sitting at his desk behind her (Left).
- A bit of the same confusion here when it comes to understanding stage direction.

4. Chief (=): Where is Jasper?
- I thought he lost time or something. How did she dissapear when she was right in front of him? Haha

5. - A bulky man leans against a brick wall with a pistol in hand, blood trickling down from a large, ragged bite wound that can be seen on his left shoulder, under his other hand. His face can not be seen, but from his neck you can see that he is looking to his right, down the alley where the sign dangles from its remaining chain.
- What kind of pistol is it I wonder. Still not completely clear on the tech in this story.

6. - A full body view of the man pointing the gun towards the viewer (left). A pair of red eyes are visible in the large portion of black space behind the man.
- Whelp. RIP man.

7.
“Demon” (By the bottom): Too slow, old man.

SFX: “SLASH” (Medium, parallel to the blood)
- Yeaup, poor man.

Chapter 1
1. - Shows an inn sign with the text “The White Hare” and an image of a leaping rabbit carved into it.
- I've always wanted to visit fantasy inns. I wonder how they operated in the old days, and if they were even comfortable in any manner or form. They're just so homely. White Hare is a nice name.

2.
Panel 2: (Border)
- Multiple panels arranged to resemble cracked glass behind the young man. They show some of the things young man sees as he walks. Possible ideas include boarded up buildings, a group of vagrants who give him wary stares, a couple feral cats in an alley, etc... The panel in the lower right corner should have a damaged store sign, the type held to a porch ceiling by two chains, dangling by one chain.
- Pretty interesting how thought out your directions are. I'd recommend just going all in and giving directions like this for the script, as though you're talking to your artist. I saw something similar done by Warren Ellis for the script for a crime comic called FELL. And Neil Gaiman likes that too. There are tidbits and informations that may not all make it into the final comic, but help paint a bigger picture of the story that is being made.  It could actually be enjoyeable for the reader too in the end.

3.
Page 12:
- Seeing the whole top third and 1/4 I'd also recommend just mentioning how many panels already exist on the page. That way the artist will have a general idea how much should fit in in advance and be able to divy it up properly. It makes the page easier to imagine too for the reader.

4.
Page 14: Completed
- What does that mean?

5. “Young man”: Do either of you know the whereabouts of a man named Everard Wruck?
- That's a fantasy name if I ever heard one.

6. “Fire tender”: Be careful, boy. All the attacks took place during the night.
- Hm, I wonder who the guy is. Is he related to Jasper in any way I wonder.

7. “Fire tender”: You would never part with even a drop.
- The drink does call strong aye.

General Thoughts


I tend to avoid synopses and background details to let the story do its own storytelling. My first issue is that the script format was too hard to decipher for someone who doesn't understand it. It might be better to go heavy with the descriptions and scene set up as you explained  when the guy was walking. Like you would tell a friend at a table. Otherwise the Right, Left, 1/4 thing might be very confusing, and it did slow down the reading speed. If your only aim is to have the story adapted at a point I can understand, but it could help with getting reviews if it's easier to go through.

I also didn't have much of an impression from the characters. I know Jasper, but the Chief and the young man feel like they're shadowy beings. Even the drunkard scene felt a bit subdued. He told a scary story but there was no silence in the room, and he insulted people but they only grumbled. I hope I didn't miss it but that's what I remember so far, so there needs to be clearer character emotion and reactions.

It's refreshing to see a prologue that doesn't start with the protagonists' home village being burnt down, and I get a sense that the story has a hell of a lot to build up and shows promise on that front. There just needs to be more grip, more drive from the characters, or at least a sense of tension from the demon besieged town. The prologue is there to be a quick window into the overarching story, a sort of introduction chat with the reader so they know what world they're stepping in and what to expect. In the prologue the reader knows if the author writes in a comedic language, or if ther'll be epic fight scenes, or what year and setting the story takes place in.

Other than that all I can say is keep writing!
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays (Prologue Ready for Review/Critique)
Post by: Robin Ryuu on November 29, 2016, 10:04:51 PM
@Coryn

The rewrites were mostly me fixing plot holes. I have the next few chapters planned out, but they wouldn't make as much sense if I didn't go ahead and fix some things in what I had already written.

Reply to Lego's Review
Prologue
1.  Ah, I was meaning to make a key for the symbols, but I never got around to it.

2. "Demon" in this story can refer to either a creature or a person. I'll provide more information on this later on.

3. The (Left) and (Right) tags indicate where the thing is in the panel.

4. He closed his eyes while talking. Looks like I forgot to put that.

5. I don't really know much about guns honestly... The story is influenced by the Victorian era although there are differences due to Grey being in a fantasy world.

6. and 7.  :angel:

Chapter 1
1. I had originally named it the "Grey Hare" as a joke (gray hair) and a reference to the Gray Mare in the Oblivion game. I didn't want the name getting confused with the title though so I changed it from Grey to White.

2. I might describe the images more simply... It would cut down of the frustration and procrastination from me trying to figure out all the details...

3. I'm going to be the artist for the series so it works well enough for me.

4. Ahh, whoops. I missed one it seems. When I'm writing I put "Completed" on the sections I finished so I can see what still needs to be done. I cut it out when I post it on here though... Or at least try. Hrm... Maybe I'll put "In Progress" on the WIP pages and delete that as I finish them. Would be less work.

5. lol Indeed.

6. The guy tending the fire?

7. XD

General Thoughts

I can understand where your confusion comes from honestly... And it's tempting to skip the little details when writing. However since I'm writing it for my own needs I'd like to have those notes so that I can remember how the page looked to me as I worked on the description. (Since it'll be a little while yet to I actually get to drawing them.) I could make two versions of the script I guess... Would take a little longer, but it would be easier for anyone else to read and I'd still have my notes.

How would you suggest creating a greater sense of tension with the characters? (Though I do believe that actually seeing their expressions would help more than reading "worried look" over and over...)

Thanks for the reviews and the encouragement guys. ^^
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays (Prologue Ready for Review/Critique)
Post by: BobbyJoeXForgotenSB on November 29, 2016, 10:22:25 PM
well i wouldnt say it is heavy, i am quiet a dense person and i understood this better than the other script i read
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays (Prologue Ready for Review/Critique)
Post by: Robin Ryuu on December 24, 2016, 05:17:14 AM
I did a few edits to what I wrote, not enough to make another version but I'll put them here.

Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on January 11, 2017, 04:25:07 AM
Alright... *cracks fingers* I'm finally working on advancing the plot. Also I'm scraping the script format and going back to the novel format I was using when I was actually making progress. That said, I still need to rewrite/finish the fight scene I left off on. I'll rewrite the fight after I get the arc mostly written, but for now I'm just going to finish it up so I can move on for now.

School starts back up on the 17th so I'm not sure what I can get done before then and I'm skipping around to writing scenes out of order so no promises for a quick update, but at least I'm working.
Title: Re: Grey - Chapter 1, part 4
Post by: Robin Ryuu on March 12, 2017, 03:20:20 PM
Well, what do you know? I finally finished the chapter. It took an insanely long time for me to do it, but this is the first chapter I've ever written to completion. I will need to fix up the chapter more at a later date, but I'm moving on for now... probably...

This is the conclusion to chapter 1 of Grey: Home for Strays.

Chapter 1, Part 4
The young man leaned on his good arm as he watched the fight before snapping back to his senses. I need to get out of here.
Glancing behind him he saw a smaller alley that he could escape through. He rose, careful not to use his wounded arm, and glanced back at the fight as the combatants continued to clash. There's nobody coming to help him is there? As the fight continued a lunge from the monstrous dog sent the dropped dagger skidding across the alley. The young man watched as its momentum was halted by the pile of wooden crates that had served as his earlier hiding place.

Glancing past the beast the girl noticed that she had lost track of the young man's whereabouts. Tch, he must have run off. She was growing impatient with the fight. If she hadn't lost hold of her other dagger, she could've finished this quickly. She debated on using her powers, but the thought of revealing her tricks against a puppet irked her. She cursed at her own carelessness and searched for her dagger once more. When she spotted it she saw that the young man was reaching for it from behind a crate. She turned back to her opponent for a moment to sidestep another lunge before turning to where the young man was trying to get her attention, he was holding her dagger. Before she could think to grab it she noticed a figure emerging from the shadows behind him. "Run!!!" she shouted knowing she wouldn't make it over in time.

The young man was bewildered and frightened as he looked at the girl and saw the dog quickly approaching. What!? He's the one that should run!

"Too late~," came a singsongy voice from behind the young man that made his blood run cold.

Before the young man could turn he felt a burning pain from the side of his neck and quickly turned dizzy and his mind slowed. Through fading vision he saw a blinding flash of light that enveloped him before he fell to the ground, unconscious.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays (Chapter 1 Ready for Review)
Post by: Robin Ryuu on March 12, 2017, 05:55:06 PM
There wasn't as much editing to do as I thought so I went ahead and compiled the parts. I suggest giving it a read because some things have changed since I first started writing the chapter.

The word count is at 2533 words if anyone wants an idea of length.

Chapter 1: Creeping Shadows
A carriage traveled down a murky road. The road’s uneven surface was causing the carriage’s lone passenger to have a difficult time to get comfortable on the old wooden bench. The young man had grown tired of watching the road behind him and ignored it now, trying to distract himself and thinking of what he was going to do next. He pulled out a tattered note from his coat’s pocket. It was hard for him to believe that he had traded practically everything he had for this piece of paper. It doesn’t matter now I guess… I just hope this works… He was in the process of trying to decipher some of the words that had gotten blurred when he fell into a puddle of muddy water when escaping his pursuers a few towns back when the carriage came to a stop.

The driver knocked on the wall “We’ve arrived,” the man announced.

The young man climbed out of the carriage and was stretching his stiff muscles when the driver interrupted him.

"Sure you want dropped off here?" he asked with a semi-concerned look.

“Yes. Why?” replied the young man, puzzled.

The driver gave him an odd look and stated,”I suggest not staying long”, before flicking the reins. The young man watched as the carriage quickly departed and scratched his head. "Well that was strange," he commented to himself before turning to walk towards his destination, not noticing the broken signpost laying on the ground. He walked toward the town he could see in the distance, not noticing the broken sign that lay in the bushes beside him. On it was the word “Evansburg”.

As the young man entered the high stone walls of the town he found it to be nearly deserted, contrary to his expectations. The few people that were outside turned and gave him wary glances. Not fond of the attention he was getting he avoided them. He glanced toward the setting sun and sighed. Guess I should find a place to sleep. Soon he saw the sign of an inn etched with an image of a leaping rabbit. Above the rabbit gave the name of the establishment, The White Hare. When the young man arrived he knocked on the door and soon heard footsteps from the other side..

"Who is it?" a woman asks from behind the still closed door.

"I'm a traveler. I am looking for a room for the night."

After a moment of silence the woman replied. "I'm sorry, but I don't have any rooms available at the moment. Please leave." He could hear footsteps and whispers from inside.

"Mommy... I'm scared,"

"Hush little one."

The young man lingered a moment, but then he turned and left.

He passed many roads lined with boarded up stores and other businesses. Among the vacant buildings were a couple groups of vagrants who gave him hostile, wary stares as he passed. Moving on with growing unease he saw a damaged store sign dangling by one of its chains. Beyond it was an area that was closed off with various talismans and seals. Not willing to linger there he quickened his pace until well past the spot.

Soon he came to find another inn. Spotting movement out of the corner of his eye the young man turned to find at a crow peering at him from the inn's roof. After knocking he watched it with concern till the door jerked open and revealed a large intimidating man glaring at the visitor.

"Travelers aren't welcome here anymore. Leave," the large man told him before slamming the door closed and latching it.

"But..." the young man started dejected. He stood with only the light of a fire illuminating him. Hearing the sound of a laugh the young man turns to find another small group of vagrants. A man tending the fire and the man who had laughed.

"What's so funny?" the young man asks slightly annoyed.

"Cuz ya've got yaself ah problem, boy," Said the man who had laughed before taking a swig of alcohol.

"What happened here? I thought this place was supposed to be a bustling market town," the young man stated, wrinkling his nose at the smell.

"It had been," the other man spoke, giving him a questioning look. "I'm surprised you hadn't heard of what's been happening lately."

The young man shifted uncomfortably. "I haven't had the chance to learn the latest news for a while..."

The man considered the boy for a moment before speaking. "Most of the people here left a few months back when this town turned into a monster's feeding ground."

"A monster!?" said the young man in shock.

The drinking man spat on the fire causing the young man jump back to avoid the alcohol induced flare. "En there's us who've got nowhere to go."

Seeing the boy's confusion the sober man explained. "The people who remain have become wary of those who are brave or foolish enough to walk these streets and have barred their doors to strangers. I don't blame them for hiding if they can.”

"I see...," replied the young man, not liking where things were going. “Do either of you know the whereabouts of a man named Everard Wruck?”

“Why are you looking for a smuggler?” asked the fire tender, obviously surprised.

“It’s… complicated…,” fumbled the young man who was regretting asking.

The drunken man pointed his bottle towards the young man, tipping it so that the liquid was on the verge of dumping out. “I’ll tell ya if ya got tha coins.”

“He's dead,” the man tending the fire, interrupted. “Some fisherman found his body in the river yesterday… What was left of it rather.”

Of course things didn’t go as planned… When do they ever do? The young man mulled over his options. With his plan now obsolete and now being in a precarious location he decided that he had no choice but to keep moving. “Where can I find a ride out?” he finally asked.

"Gettin col feet are ya?" the drunken man laughed again.

No coachmen have lingered here ever since the citizens fled and travelers stopped coming. There is the option of going to the town's guildhall. If you've got the coins, there might be someone who could escort you to the next town over,” suggested the man tending the fire.

The drunken man snorted. "Bunch'a cowards if ya ask me"

"Good men have died facing the monster," the fire tender stated, giving his companion a glare.

The drunken man snorted again, but didn't press his opinion.

“Ah… I can’t go there,” the young man stated quietly. After a moment of hesitation he turned to leave. "Thank you for the help," he told them.

"May the Gods protect you," the sober man told him.

"Be careful, boy. All the attacks happened at night," the sober man called out to the departing figure.

“Could'a made ah killin,” muttered the drunken man grudgingly.

The fire tender looked at his companion with a look of exasperation. “You would only buy more liquor.”

“Bah. I wan't share with ya then,” retorted the drunken man.

“You would never part with even a drop,” stated the fire tender.

The young man walked for a while, but as he walked he became progressively unsure of his way. He stopped when he reached a small clearing that was surrounded by several old buildings that were in a desperate need for repair. This doesn’t look familiar… The young man looked over his shoulder. Did I take a wrong turn? He turned to face back the way he came. Was it that way?

As he stood he caught the faint sound of footsteps approaching from down the nearly empty street. Moving swiftly he hid himself behind some crates near an alleyway. With bated breath he waited as the footsteps drew nearer. He stayed still as a crate started to move. Several moments later he heard a person's mumblings and untensed enough to peek through a gap between the crates. He watched an older lady sift through the contents of a crate. The young man turned around with a soft sigh of relief.

"Huh? It's just an old granny," said a voice from an unseen source.

The young man had little time to register the scenario before he heard the old lady's scream. It ended abruptly followed by a heavy thud. On the ground the young man could see the old lady's hand from around the corner of his hiding place.

“Aww,” came the voice from behind the young man. "I thought you were going to lead me to a good score. Not a bag of bones with barely a shred of life left." The young man heard a sigh. "It'll have to do for tonight. You clean up here."

The young man listened as the source of the voice departed. A moment later he saw the old woman's hand slide back into the darkness and heard the sounds of ripping flesh and cracking bones. The young man felt sick as he listened and tried to make himself smaller, bumping an object in the dark.

The ripping sounds stopped as he heard a low growl followed by a series of sniffs. Then the sounds of claws on stone as the creature fled.

The young man waited for a while before slowly removing himself from behind the crates. He had covered his mouth and nose as the smell of blood was overpowering. He stood over the remains of the mess that was formerly an elderly woman. "I'm sorry," he told her quietly.

"Hey!" called a voice from behind him.

He turned sharply at the sound spying a person at the end of the alley. The young man stared frozen in place.

The girl, though she looked like a boy to the young man, looked at the corpse and gained a furious, hateful expression as they looked back at the young man. "You... monster," she said, voice writhing with anger.

The young man didn't register the comment. He was more concerned with the appearance of the person. Particularly their eyes. They're red... Vampire! he thought right as it charged him.

The young man's assailant drew two daggers from her sleeves before leaping towards the young man who was backing away. She quickly slashed her left dagger upwards.

Unable to escape her attack range in time the young man rose his arms to take the blow. The blade sliced through his coat and bit into the flesh of his right arm, drawing blood. He let out a yelp of pain as he stumbled backwards, gripping his arm.

Jumping back after she delivered her attack she gave the boy a glare,"Shut it. Murderers don't have the right to complain."

"Mu.. Murderer?" he asked, stunned as she charged him again. "You're wrong!" he defended himself. He made another attempt to evade.

She ignored his statement and brought down both her daggers, narrowly missing, but giving him a slight hair cut.

"Wait a minute!" he pleaded, watching her prepare a third attack.

"Why should I?" she growled. "I bet you didn't give her one."

"I wasn't the one who did this!" he replied.

"And you expect me to believe that?" she spat, standing straight.

The boy opened his mouth to reply, but a sudden movement behind the girl caught his eye.

In an instant the shadow lunged at the girl as she turned. It's fangs sunk into her right shoulder as it pinned her to the ground with it's weight.

The boy fell back in shock as he looked at the huge shadowy hound. It turned it's red eyes towards the boy with a vicious intent.

With a sudden swing of her arm the girl brought her left dagger through the belly of the beast causing it to dissipate and reform a few feet away. The girl got up on unsteady feet and faced the hound.

It gave a menacing growl, black saliva and red blood dripping from its gaping maw.

"Come then," she answered, taking a fighting stance.

Without a second thought they charged each other. The girl dodged another bite aimed at her leg. Jumping she landed on the beast's head momentarily before springing behind it and striking at it again with her dagger. Like before, however the beast only reformed taking no damage.

"Thought so," the girl stated. "You're a summoned spirit, aren't you? Where's your master?" she asked receiving no reply. She pointed her dagger over her shoulder at the stunned boy. "That him?"

The hound gave an offended look before becoming infuriated. It charged her and attempted to bite her once again and the girl swung her left dagger at the beast. It met the blade with it's teeth and wrenched it out of her grasp. She followed up with her right dagger, slashing into the beast's head. The dagger dropped and skid until it hit the wall. The girl attempted to dash after the dagger, but was stopped with another attack by the hound.

"Keh, you're not going to make this easy are you?"

The young man leaned on his good arm as he watched the fight before snapping back to his senses. I need to get out of here. Glancing behind him he saw a smaller alley that he could escape through. He rose, careful not to use his wounded arm, and glanced back at the fight as the combatants continued to clash. There's nobody coming to help him is there? As the fight continued a lunge from the monstrous dog sent the dropped dagger skidding across the alley. The young man watched as its momentum was halted by the pile of wooden crates that had served as his earlier hiding place.

Glancing past the beast the girl noticed that she had lost track of the young man's whereabouts. Tch, he must have run off. She was growing impatient with the fight. If she hadn't lost hold of her other dagger, she could've finished this quickly. She debated on using her powers, but the thought of revealing her tricks against a puppet irked her. She cursed at her own carelessness and searched for her dagger once more. When she spotted it she saw that the young man was reaching for it from behind a crate. She turned back to her opponent for a moment to sidestep another lunge before turning to where the young man was trying to get her attention, he was holding her dagger. Before she could think to grab it she noticed a figure emerging from the shadows behind him. "Run!!!" she shouted knowing she wouldn't make it over in time.

The young man was bewildered and frightened as he looked at the girl and saw the dog quickly approaching. What!? He's the one that should run!

"Too late~," came a singsongy voice from behind the young man that made his blood run cold.

Before the young man could turn he felt a burning pain from the side of his neck and quickly turned dizzy and his mind slowed. Through fading vision he saw a blinding flash of light that enveloped him before he fell to the ground, unconscious.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays (Chapter 1 Ready for Review)
Post by: Echo_River on March 13, 2017, 02:01:08 PM
Yay a full chapter! ;w;

General thoughts:

Spoiler
What a suspenseful beginning to the story! O: I like how you set the mood and slowly gave the info about the situation through the setting and characters. That young man's got himself into a predicament.

I'd just watch out for where certain words are repeated, like "wary" or "vagrant". They pop up a few times and feel a little jarring....? Maybe other synonyms would work in their place.

At the part where the young man is looking for a way out, it feels a little quick towards when the old lady gets killed. I think it'd be also nice to know some more of the young man's thoughts there, and what he's feeling.

Overall, it flows fine. Congrats on doing the fight scene ^^ and that cliffhanger ending....(write more! moooaaah!!).

Hope this helps. I enjoyed reading the chapter.  ;)

Some proofreading / copy editing things:

Spoiler
1) A carriage traveled down a murky(?) road.

- I'm not sure about this word. Murky usually reminds me of dirty or muddy water. Did you mean hazy or dusty, perhaps?

2) ...before turning to walk towards his destination, not noticing the broken signpost laying on the ground.
He walked toward the town he could see in the distance, not noticing the broken sign that lay in the bushes beside him. On it was the word “Evansburg”.

- You repeated the sentence here ^^;

3) "Who is it?" a woman asks  from behind the still closed door

- Verb tense.

4) Hearing the sound of a laugh the young man turns to find...

- Verb tense.

5) "What's so funny?" the young man asks  slightly annoyed.

- Verb tense.

6)"May the Gods protect you," the sober man told him.

"Be careful, boy. All the attacks happened at night," the sober man called out to the departing figure .

- Separated on purpose? Maybe you could combine them, or put the scene where the young man is leaving first before the dialogue to give a sense of time.

7) The girl, though she looked like a boy to the young man...

- This seems a little too obvious to start with. Maybe you could try to describe her appearance from the young man’s view so that it really seems like he thinks she's a boy.

8 ) Before the young man could turn, he felt a burning pain from the side of his neck and quickly turned dizzy and his mind slowed.

- This sentence feels a little long for the quick action that takes place in it. Maybe split it into two sentences?

Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays (Chapter 1 Ready for Review)
Post by: The SlamJam on March 13, 2017, 05:41:42 PM

I liked it, my main issue is that your writing is all over the place and you use the same phrases over and over again (The young man appears 45 times).

Your grammar is also a bit messy. Examples, "A moment later he saw the old woman's hand slide back into the darkness and heard the sounds of ripping flesh and cracking bones" uses 'and' twice in the same sentence for no reason. Instead, something like; "A moment later he witnessed the old woman's hand slide back into the darkness. The sound of ripping flesh and cracking bones echoed". You do this a few times, such as "The young man was bewildered and frightened as he looked at the girl and saw the dog quickly".


Similarly, you're misusing "It's" quite often. Remember, "It's" means "It is". So when you say "It's fangs sunk into her right shoulder", you're saying "it is fangs sunk".
Your text is just, written awkwardly sometimes. Particularly in action scenes, shorter sentences can be used to portray the sense of urgency. So when you write; "The girl dodged another bite aimed at her leg. Jumping she landed on the beast's head momentarily before springing behind it and striking at it again with her dagger", it could be reworded to be less nuanced. "The girl sprung to dodge his bite, striking its neck with her dagger. Still no damage."


I am not a writer, so my examples aren't the best. It's just what i personally know.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays (Chapter 1 Ready for Review)
Post by: Robin Ryuu on March 13, 2017, 09:07:09 PM
Thanks for reading and the reviews you two. ^^


Reply to Echo_River
I did overuse "wary" quite a bit. I cut down a few of them, but I'll go back through and see what I can do. (It doesn't help that Thomas is wary of everything. :glare:) With where I said "vagrants" though... I was thinking that saying "homeless people" would have been even more out of place.

It is quick isn't it... This might be something I'll have to come back to after I have more of the arc written out. And working on adding thoughts now that I actually know how to format them a little better. ^^

1. I was trying for "foggy". Might as well just change it to that.

2. Whoops. ^^;

3-5. Looks like I missed those.

6. Nah, I probably just forgot to combine it.

7. Yeah, I don't really know what to do here... I completely skipped all the character descriptions since I intend for people to see for themselves.

8. I'll see what I can do. ^^

Will try getting another section up. (Maybe sometime this week, but no promises.)

Reply to The SlamJam
Trust me, the "young man" thing bothers me too, but I'm not sure of another way to do this without revealing his name early... His name will be revealed towards the beginning of the second chapter however.

Yes, my writing could use a bit more polishing. XD I've gotten a bit better at it since when I first started writing the chapter, but my confusion is still clear at times. ^^;

I'm aware of it's and its. It's just a hard habit to break. :sure:

I honestly struggled with the fight scene. (Which is one of the reasons the chapter took so long.) I'll see if I can make it flow a little better though.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays - Question on Familiar Summoning Items?
Post by: Robin Ryuu on July 24, 2017, 03:55:56 PM
Alright, so I'm working on a few drawings and one of them is related to this story. I'm still deciding between two things story wise...

Okay so I forget if I've posted it here yet but basically Jasper's crow familiars, Blacky and Whitey, are her dual daggers. These spirits have three forms; the crows, the daggers, and her feather hairpiece. The hairpiece is like their dormant state/where their connection lies.

My question is are the feather's the familiars themselves or are they the connection the familiars have to their master? The former would mean that the feathers physically transform into the birds/daggers (similar to Orihime's Shun Shun Rikka) and that if their dagger/bird forms are destroyed the feathers are too. The latter would mean that the feathers would remain in place while their "spirit" forms are released and though the birds/daggers may be weakened directly you would have to destroy the feathers or their master to "banish" the familiars.

How this relates to the art... I need to know if the feathers would be there while she's using her daggers.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays (Chapter 1 Ready for Review)
Post by: Flames on July 24, 2017, 05:14:19 PM
Uh Well,  crows have more than one feather.. So maybe you can make a design where its just an extension or something of their true form.

Like at the handle you could probably make a elaborate design on the dagger. Maybe like a fencer sword handle/hilt with feathers caressing or running up the handle.  Or you can make a chain of feathers on the end of the dagger with feathers hanging off of them.

Since their true form is a crow I think it should be present in all versions of their other forms in some way. At least it would make sense that way. 

Kind of hard to explain I guess, think of it as a mid stage metamorphosis or something along the likes.  But yeah I guess you can make the feathers their summoning tool of the sort. Or where their spirit/soul rests.

Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on January 30, 2018, 08:31:17 PM
@Flames
I think feathers might be a bit much. I have the feeling that the design should be somewhat simple, but I'll think on having it reference their bird form in some way. (I have a bad habit of not replying until I post again it seems. XD)



So... Since Crow posted stuff for Society X I got annoyed with myself for letting my stories stagnate and I wrote a scene for Grey last night. Problem is that it's from arc 2 so I don't know if I should post it or wait. (It doesn't spoil anything if you've kept up with the characters here and in Crow's MR Project.)

Also I might post a scene at a time from now on. Less intimidation compared to completing a chapter. Plus I'm not that great at deciding where a chapter should end or begin yet. :P
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on June 29, 2018, 01:49:46 PM
*grumbles* May have to rewrite everything I've done for Grey so far. *grumbles more*
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on July 09, 2018, 09:04:24 PM
Finished the flowchart/timeline for arc one of Grey. Now on to arc two.
Title: Grey: Home for Strays (News Update)
Post by: Robin Ryuu on January 22, 2019, 08:43:59 AM
Figured I should give an update over here. I'm back to working on this series in with both concept art and writing. I'm completely rewriting what I have posted here as I've changed how things proceed.

For now I think I've settled on Grey being a light novel with a comic adaption farther in the future (likely after I've graduated in two years and can hire an assistant to help with the art). Tentatively I'm looking at publishing the written version series on Tapas, starting early June (I have a lot of work ahead of me).

Due to potential spoilers and the like I will likely not be publicly posting my writing here anymore. That said, for those who are still willing to review my writing, you are more than welcome to see it through pms or Discord.
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays (News Update)
Post by: Action Animation on March 19, 2019, 01:26:00 AM
Figured I should give an update over here. I'm back to working on this series in with both concept art and writing. I'm completely rewriting what I have posted here as I've changed how things proceed.

For now I think I've settled on Grey being a light novel with a comic adaption farther in the future (likely after I've graduated in two years and can hire an assistant to help with the art). Tentatively I'm looking at publishing the written version series on Tapas, starting early June (I have a lot of work ahead of me).

Due to potential spoilers and the like I will likely not be publicly posting my writing here anymore. That said, for those who are still willing to review my writing, you are more than welcome to see it through pms or Discord.

your art has become almost indistinguishable from the pros haha, your dragons post blew me away^^

also the mark of any good writer

is to know when their work needs to be rewritten

the fact you see so many issues your past self made

only proves just how far you have come ^^

not to mention this story dates back to 2015

another mark of passion is all i see^^

doubtless you already figured out why Im posting

if you want the same in deph reviews I give others then let me know

our discord is on our signature ^^
-Action
Title: Re: Grey: Home for Strays
Post by: Robin Ryuu on March 19, 2019, 01:45:32 AM
Hrm, I let the writing slip between concept art and college (and a period of apathy towards my creations). I do have chapter 1 ready to review however. Maybe I can get the ball rolling again. I'll dm you in Discord.