Manga Writers => Manga Creations => Discussions => Topic started by: Darksquirrel on July 16, 2014, 02:13:38 PM


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Title: 'Flames, Blades and Wastes' Discussion thread
Post by: Darksquirrel on July 16, 2014, 02:13:38 PM
Discussion thread for 'Flames, Blades and Wastes'

Story can be found here
Title: Re: 'Flames, Blades and Diplomats' Discussion thread
Post by: legomaestro on July 20, 2014, 08:00:56 PM
Oh, I guess it's a science fiction, I didn't notice that at first.
It sort of felt like the description of the birds was too flowery and bulky, it sort of brought away from the situation. Were they truly laughing by the way, or was it a metaphor? If they literally were laughing carrion then maybe to show the alienness of the world, otherwise the paragraphs feel like they could do with some cutting down.

As for the actual situation it's an interesting opener. I assumed it was an army that's come from a victory, but haven't exactly pulled out of it in one piece.

When the shots came flying that was surprising. Didn't expect them to die like that.

But it feels too abrupt to be the end of the chapter. A first chapter can be really short in fact, but it didnt' quite feel like the introduction to the story. Even a simple line like 'My name is Solan, and I'm the son of the emperor'. Well, nothing as cheesy as that, but some sort of hook or lead on.

Also, dropping lines like 'he wasn't good at following orders' can be avoided to let the reader form his own ideas. If they come to the same conclusion themselves then all the better. Sometimes you don't have to spell everything out.

In any case science fiction is my bread and butter. It seems like you even have a world planned out for this, and the emperor's son going out in the field is definitely something of note. Is he just aloof or does he actually have skills? Do the other soldiers respect him as the son of the emperor? Is the emperor even that powerful and impressive? There's lots of interesting questions you could bring about with such a story.
Title: Re: 'Flames, Blades and Diplomats' Discussion thread
Post by: Darksquirrel on July 21, 2014, 06:15:58 AM
Thanks, I appreciate your feedback   :D
Yeah, when it came to the birds I think I was just feeling Terry Pratchetty at the time (just read Raising Steam).

That's probably the reason I will eventually rewrite the intro, aside from the other things you pointed out. The chapter was really quite vague, although I was hoping to explain some of the whos and whys later on.

As for that 'he wasn't good at following orders', I was just looking for something to put in between lines of dialogue, and I definitely didn't realise it felt like I wasn't letting the reader think  :blush:

Again, thanks for all the input, it really helps me understand where I go wrong sometimes. I might even para-phrase  that 'my name is solan' line for when I rewrite the intro. I will get on with the rest of the story (keeping in mind your advice), and do the new intro when it feels substantial.

Cheers  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: 'Flames, Blades and Diplomats' Discussion thread
Post by: legomaestro on July 21, 2014, 05:10:55 PM
Terry Pratchet. I wish I could write like him! I'd say keep  on making some attempts haha, it's certainly a style that could be interesting to read if you get the hang of it.

You could go back and fix it I guess, but it wasn't incoherent so depending on the way you do your things you may want to just press forward until you finish a bigger clump of chapters. Going back to edit can sometimes get in the way of the writing process.

Oh, and as for the telling the reader thing it was more a warning than anything else. It's okay, but if overdone it can sometimes take away. Of course, there are some books that don't even care about that and reveal a lot. It's just my preference.

Yeah no problem glad it could be of help!
Title: Re: 'Flames, Blades and Diplomats' Discussion thread
Post by: Darksquirrel on July 25, 2014, 01:24:56 PM
Posted the new version  :thumbsup:

It's quite short as I decided to carry part of it into a new chapter, just so the first chapter's ending is more endinglike.