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Author Topic: Kokuou(King) edited(12/10/13)  (Read 1490 times)

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Offline addg22

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Kokuou(King) edited(12/10/13)
« on: October 28, 2013, 11:15:41 AM »
Plot
Humans have been the weakest of all the races though they dont coexist in the same world its only a matter of time before the other races break into their dimension as they did in the past. A special blacksmith has developed a technique to harvest these supernatural monsters and harvest there soul into weapons to grant humans their powers to fight back but there are others that are born with supernatural powers already and are recruited quickly to avoid any hate from society.

Spoiler
A girl is running upstairs in a school crying racing through the hallways and explosions are heard nearby. As she reaches her destination. She looks to the left and sees a man with flames around him with a serious look on his face . To the right there smoke and dust from the explosion and as the smoke clears up the girls eyes widen and she gasps as a swords pierces her stomach.

GENJI Is on the floor bleeding and has suffered damage. As he looks at aiko’s direction a sword pierces her body.

AIKO
(As tears drop)
GENJI.

GENJI wakes up to with a big gasp finding Aiko on top of him drooling.

GENJI
(As he backs off the bed to the floor)
W-what a-are yo-yo-you doing on my bed

AIKO
(Sleeply getting up)
What? What do you mean?

GENJI
Ehhh. you...

His eyes move towards her body as he sees her school uniform is slightly off place on her shoulder off to her arm and his face turns red.

AIKO
I was exhausted from cleaning and I sat down and I just passed out.
(Turning red)
Did you...?

GENJI
(Closing his eyes)
No I didn't do any-thing.

As he opens his eyes a evil aurora is forming in front of him. As Aiko curls up her fists and beats the crap out of him.

GENJI (CONT’D)
(Getting punched and screaming.)
Wait wait waiiiiiiit.

AIKO
(Angry)
Take it like a man GENJI!

When she stops beating on him his face is swollen and she gets up and walks downstairs. GENJI gets dressed for school and walks downstairs.

GENJI
(Thinking to himself)
It happened again the same dream. I wonder what it means. Why Aiko?
Genji grabs a piece of bread and a drink and starts to eat

GENJI (CONT’D)
(Thinking to himself)
My name is Genji Kanos, I'm 16 years old, currently live alone. Aiko goes to school with me but she also helps me clean and help me get ready for school.

AIKO
Genji did you dye your hair again? If your mom finds out you didn’t she wont pay me!

GENJI
Yes yes I did it yesterday.

They walk outside and head out to school.

GENJI (CONT’D)
Psssst.

AIKO
What?

GENJI
(Laughing)
Your hair.

Aiko hair is all messed up from falling asleep. She blushes and brushes her hair.

GENJI (CONT’D)
Lets go!

GENJI (CONT’D)
(Thinking to himself)
My mother calls from time to time to see how I’m doing but the only thing I have to remember by father is this mood ring that changes color based on my mood.
(Yelling)
That I can’t even take off!!!

STUDENTS
(staring)
Huh?

GENJI
(awkward laugh)
As they walk REI sees them waves from nearby and walks toward them and Aiko smiles and waves back.

REI
Yo. How's everything?

GENJI
(Smiling)
Good and yourself?

AIKO
I'm doing great Rei!

REI
Did you guys see the news? Apparently more people keep disappearing, children and adults.

GENJI
Scary.

AIKO
Again? Do they have no leads still?

REI
Well the crime scene is a mess. Entire buildings with the smell of rotten blood. I don’t think any human would step in there. The government is doing investigations but still haven’t found any trails. It’s only a matter of time where the mages will get involved.

AIKO
(serious tone)
Mages...

GENJI
(Thinking to himself)
Aiko’s brother left to join the mages and never came back its only natural she holds a grudge against them. Sadly not everyone is born with powers so they are considered outcasts to society.

AIKO
(Smiling)
Its ok I have Rei to protect me.

REI
Well I'll see you guys later I got some stuff to do.

AIKO
I'll go with you.
They walk ahead together leaving GENJI alone.

GENJI
(Disappointed)
Pfft. Its like I don’t even exist. Rei this Rei that.

As he is walking he notices another boy wearing a black sweater not wearing a uniform to school and walks into another boy smaller than him.

GENJI (CONT’D)
Oh. Sorry.

UNKOWN
Its ok.

The boy keeps walking ignoring him.
The bell has now rung and everyone is in homeroom now. GENJI Aiko are together in the same class.

GENJI
Where's rei ?

AIKO
I don't know. He ran on ahead of me.

GENJI
That's strange.

AIKO
Don't think I forgot about this morning Genji!

CLASSMATE 1
What happened Aiko?

AIKO
(embarrassed)
Well I, you see I sort of fell asleep on top of genji.

CLASSMATES
Huh? On top of GENJI?

GENJI
Don’t you think it was your fault for falling a sleep on my bed. Besides nothing happened.
(awkward laugh)

AIKO
Nothing? My cloths... were...

CLASSMATES
Cloths... Were...

The classmates give GENJI an evil look. GENJI runs out of the classroom screaming and as he turns the corner he bumps into a girl and drops her books.

HIKARU
Watch were your going you idiot.

GENJI
I'm sorry I’m sorry I didn't mean to.

As they both reach for the books and as there hands touch Hikaru is frozen in fear.

GENJI (CONT’D)
Hello are you okay?

HIKARU
(Scared panicking)
Don’t touch me...

HIKARU grabs the books and runs off.

GENJI
Hey wait!!. What just happened?
Another girl walks towards Genji.

SHUN
(fierce face)
HI! Two timing boyfriend! Get ready to pay for breaking my heart.

GENJI
(akward laugh)
Shun what a coincidence to see you this early.

As Genji gets his butt kicked once again this time he gets in a choke hold and is being strangled.

GENJI (CONT’D)
(thinking to himself)
I have been upgraded from lover to boyfriend!

SCHOOL PRINCIPLE
Hey! Stop that right now!

SHUN
O crap! The principle.

Genji can barely talk from the choke hold.

GENJI
H-He-Help me!

SHUN
We were just playing around a little showing him my wrestling moves!
(akward laugh)

SCHOOL PRINCIPLE
Save your energy for today’s weapon compatibility test. We will accomplish in the next couple days what we humans lacked in the past.

GENJI
Weapon compatibility?

As the principle looks at Genji. Hikaru kicks him on the floor.

GENJI (CONT’D)
I mean yes yes of course.

The principle walks away.

SHUN
(Sighs)
Genji you never pay attention to the school announcements do you?

GENJI
(Foaming out of his mouth)
No...

SHUN
The infamous Mage weapon blacksmith Graze has found a way to give humans magic through a weapon as their soul link.

GENJI
Grants humans magic?!

SHUN
(annoyed)
Yes! If you would pay more attention I wouldn’t need to explain all this again! I still don’t know what the soul link means but I guess we will find out soon enough.

GENJI
Magic huh?

SHUN
Are you even paying attention to what I said? Anyway what happened with that yelling girl. Did you touch her you pervert? She did yell out don’t touch me.

GENJI
(awkward laugh)
No nothing like that. I was helping her pick up her book when she just yelled and ran. I don’t know what happened.

SHUN
My my aren’t you Mr.nice Guy.

GENJI
No I it wasn’t like that that.

As Shun is giving an evil look. The school alarm goes off.

ALARM VOICE
Warning! Warning! Intruder lvl 5 danger. Proceed to the nearest classroom doors will seal in 10 seconds. 10... 9...

GENJI
Crap! Follow me.

Genji grabs her arm and runs to the nearest classroom.

ALARM VOICE
3...2...

Shun steps outside intentionally of the classroom

ALARM VOICE (CONT’D)
0.

Doors close and a gold barrier forms on the doors.

GENJI
(screaming)
Shun!

CLASSROOM TEACHER HEIN
QUIET DOWN! There’s nothing you can do about it now. The academy must have sent students to deal with the situation. Not even the strongest mage in the world can break that seal. The creator was the human king himself.

3 Students from the academy are seen walking towards the danger.

GENJI
Human king?

CLASSROOM TEACHER HEIN
Yes. You are a normal human so they might not have taught you about this schools history.
Hein looks at the boys ring. It is blue.

GENJI
Wide nose old man. Is there any way to get around this door?

CLASSROOM TEACHER HEIN
WIDE NOSE OLD MAN? YOU PIECE OF
(clears thought)
My name is Hein. No there isn’t a way around it. A king has created this seal and till the danger has left there is no way out. It was his way to protect us.

GENJI
Kings?

CLASSROOM TEACHER HEIN
Kings are people that have reached a level of power were it can’t be matched by us students of dark matter. They have created their own race in another dimension.

GENJI
That doesn’t make any sense.

CLASSROOM TEACHER HEIN
Of course not. Your not a mage it would take days for me to even explain what dimensions are.

UNKOWN
Your wrong old man.

CLASSROOM TEACHER HEIN
Old man? My name is HEIN!.. Where exactly did I make a mistake little one?

UNKOWN
The King who created this seal wasn’t human.

CLASSROOM TEACHER HEIN
Hmmm. It is true we never confirmed that he was a human but it has been 40 years since the mad king vanished.

UNKOWN
Old man I think you have said enough.

GENJI
I need to get outside. I don’t care about mages or kings or this society. My friend is outside and I can’t let anything happen to her.

Genji forces his hand through the seal and the teacher and the boys surprised he is able to stick his hand in the seal.

GENJI (CONT’D)
Ahhhhhhh.

CLASSROOM TEACHER HEIN
This boy is going through the seal. It can’t be not even I can scratch the seal.

ALARM VOICE
Conflict resolve. Doors are now open.

The seal falls genji as the doors open the 3 academy students are standing in front of the door. One is carrying shun.

« Last Edit: December 10, 2013, 08:13:24 PM by addg22 »
Read my story below tell me what you think! I need pointers !
Example: you need to add more detail in this scence i cant imagine it.! Thanks guys for reading !

http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,8760.0.html

Offline IronQuill

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Re: Kokuou
« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2013, 09:40:29 PM »
i suggest doing a quick synopsis or just an intro first. i will give it a look if you decide to put one up

Offline addg22

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Re: Kokuou(King)
« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2013, 10:22:37 PM »
Will do hope you find it interesting.
by the way anyone who knows how to draw and likes this idea i'd gladly accept your help . lol
saves me a lot of trouble.
Read my story below tell me what you think! I need pointers !
Example: you need to add more detail in this scence i cant imagine it.! Thanks guys for reading !

http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,8760.0.html

Offline IronQuill

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Re: Kokuou(King)
« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2013, 12:04:28 AM »
PROLOGUE
A girl is running upstairs in a school crying racing through the hallways and explosions are heard nearby. As she reaches her destination. She looks to the left and sees a man with flames around him with a serious look on his face . To the right there smoke and dust from the explosion and as the smoke clears up the girls eyes widen and she gasps.

AIKO
(As tears drop)
Rangi.

Several weeks before

CHAPTER 1
Rangi wakes up to with a big gasp finding Aiko on top of him with her hair all standing up from a shock and drooling.
RANGI
(As he backs off the bed to the floor)
W-what a-are yo-yo-you doing on my bed
AIKO
(Sleeply getting up)
What? What do you mean?
RANGI
Ehhh. I don't... What happened to your hai...r.

His eyes move towards her body as he sees her school uniform is slightly off place on her shoulder off to her arm and his face turns red.
AIKO
I was gonna wake you up but there was these two cables connected to you and I just don't seem to remember what happened after I touched them.
(Turning red)
Did you...?
RANGI
(Closing his eyes)
No I didn't do anything those cables were just for when my generator dies it can draw power from me.

As he opens his eyes a evil aurora is forming in front of him. As Aiko curls up her fists and beats the crap out of him.

RANGI
(Getting punched and screaming.)
Wait wait waiiiiiiit.
AIKO
(Angry)
Take it like a man RANGI!

When she stops beating on him, his face is swollen and she gets up and walks downstairs. RANGI gets dressed for school and walks downstairs. He has a piece of towel inside his nose for the bleeding

the imagery is hard to comprehend here, mainly the cable thing.

RANGI
(Thinking to himself)
Aiko is my childhood friend she often comes to clean my house and wake me up so I won't be late for school. I've always liked her but I don't think she has any idea. I live alone with my parents far away god knows where but they pay the rent I just pay electricity... or so they think.

RANGI starts to give electricity to a generator to power the house by connecting by grabbing the power cable and emitting electricity to it.

RANGI
(Thinking to himself)
She's the only 1 Ive ever told that I had powers like these. I haven't told anyone else because they might think I'm a freak or an alien of some sort and try and probe me. Yikes.
AIKO
Are you listening to me? You haven't even met my parents how can you do this to me RANGI.
RANGI
(Sighing)
Nothing happened! Believe me I was more surprised then you.
AIKO
What do you mean?
RANGI
(Awkward laugh)
Nothing. Hehehe... Let's go.

They walk outside and head out to school

hmm, a little strange that they are child hood friends and hes never met her parents

RANGI
Psssst.
AIKO
What?
RANGI
(Laughing)
Your hair.

Aiko hair is still standing from the electric shock. Her Face turns red and pulls out a brush and starts to brush her hair down. They start walking again.

RANGI
(Thinking to himself)
It's always been like this me and her together but as friends nothing more I just wished maybe we could..

As they walk REI sees them waves from nearby and walks toward them and Aiko smiles and waves back.

REI
Hey. How's everything?
RANGI
(Smiling)
Good.
AIKO
I'm doing great Rei!
REI
Did you guys see the news? Apparently the killing is happening more often then it use to and there is no age limit it's anyone who is near by.
RANGI
Yea. There's no bodies either they just disappear into thin air.

wouldnt it be kidnapp, or a missing person?

REI
You guys got to be careful.
AIKO
Well I have you REI to protect me.
REI
(Smiling)
Well I got some stuff to do so I'll talk to you guys later.
AIKO
I'll go with you.
The walk ahead together leaving RANGI alone.
RANGI
(Disappointed)
They always leave me alone if only Aiko opened her eyes and saw me for a chance but REI is my friend too. Ahh never mind

lol Aiko playing games

Bell has rung and everyone is in homeroom now. RANGI Aiko are together in the same class.

RANGI
Where's rei ?
AIKO
I don't know. He ran on ahead of me.
RANGI
That's strange.
AIKO
Don't think I forgot about this morning.
CLASSMATE 1
What happened.
AIKO
I woke up this morning on top of RANGI.
RANGI
Its a misunderstanding. that is all
CLASSMATES
What did you do to her RANGI?
AIKO
Misunderstanding? My cloths they were...
CLASSMATES
Cloths... Were...

The classmates give RANGI an evil look. RANGI runs out of the classroom and as he turns the corner he bumps into a girl and drops her books.

RANGI
(Yelling)
NOTHING HAPPENED!
HIKARU
Watch were your going you idiot.
RANGI
I'm sorry I didn't mean to. Here I'll help you.

As they both reach for the books and as there hands touch Hikaru is frozen in fear.

RANGI
Hello are you okay?
HIKARU
(Scared panicking)
Dont touch me. Leave me alone.

Hilary leaves the books and runs off.

is this a typo?  Hilary i mean

RANGI
Hey wait you left your... books.

RANGI picks up the books and goes off to find her. As he walks around he sees her enter the boys bathroom.
He walks into the bathroom and walks to the only closed stall and he opens the door.

RANGI
What are you doing... Here?

As he opens the door there is a boy taking a dump.

CLASSMATE 1
(Yelling)
What do you mean? This is a bathroom! Why are you opening random people's stalls!!!!
RANGI
I'm sorry I'm sorry.

As he looks around for her he finds a key on the floor with a skull on the edge of the key.

RANGI
What the? I'm positive she came in here, what is this key it doesn't look normal.

As he looks for a key hole one of the stalls had one and when he stuck the key the skulls eyes reddened. When he reopened the door it was another realm. It was a dark wasteland. As he stepped inside there was a huge castle in front of him and he walked towards the castle.

RANGI
Hello?... Is anyone there?...
(Thinking to himself)
What is this place there's a weird sensation in the air is this murderous instinct.

As he approaches the door there's a crowd in front of him. With a man in a black suit with a scythe speaking to them all.

i think this is all a little to casual

MORS
(Smiling)
Welcome to the school of magic. Here you will learn how to control your dwelling powers and fight with them to their full extent. I am your teacher, address me as Mors. Also..

As RANGI steps in the front door. Mors senses a huge power.

MORS
It c-can't be... Your suppose to be dead.

As he swings his scythe over the students stopping at RANGI's face.

RANGI
(Screaming and  crying)
Ahhhhhhhh. I just wanted to use the bathroom but i don't think I need to anymore.
HIKARU
Huh? My key I think I dropped my key.
MORS
(Sighs thinking to himself)
Even if he found the key by chance there's no way he couldved open this realm without magical power. Why did I feel a Kokuou's power when he stepped in my castle and now it vanished. This boy. I'll keep my eye on him for a while...
You!
RANGI
EEP me?
MORS
Yes. It seems you have some talent. You will attend this school as well.
RANGI
No I just got lost I'll go back now.
REI
RANGI? What are you doing here?
RANGI
Rei? Yo know magic?
REI
I am a candidate for the replacement of a Kokuou that has died.
RANGI
Candidate? Is everyone else here for the same thing.

doesnt seem like the natural reaction to the statement

REI
Yes. MORs sama has contacted each of us because he knows of our powers. He wishes to help us gain more.
RANGI
How can you trust him? He does not necessarily look like a good guy.
REI
That is your choice. He has found me and chosen me as a candidate and I must gain power for my own reason.
RANGI
We don't need this. Rei.
REI
That is not for you to decide. Let me be.
Rei turns his back and RANGI puts a serious face.
MORS
Well now that it's settled let's begin.
MORs grins.

overall it started off ok, but towards the end it fell of a bit for me, the character exchanges at the start were more believable, at the end Rangi seems to be to nonchalant. deffinately needs work, good luck though  ;D


Offline addg22

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Re: Kokuou(King)
« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2013, 12:14:11 AM »
I agree it does need more work and there are a few typos and the story needs some adjustments. I have childhood friends that i never met there family lol. So i dont understand what you mean there. Bathroom is casual i see what you mean to easy. Small reaction to finding out his best friend has powers i forgot to edit that -_- and hilary as well . It was typos and on the murders i was suppose to hint blood at the crime scene. Thanks for the heads up im glad you took your time to read it.

Your the only one who actually took there time to give me advice thanks alot man.
Read my story below tell me what you think! I need pointers !
Example: you need to add more detail in this scence i cant imagine it.! Thanks guys for reading !

http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,8760.0.html

Offline Lumaria

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Re: Kokuou(King)
« Reply #5 on: November 21, 2013, 11:56:22 PM »
hard to read when all of it is aligned to the center.  keep it all to the left so we don't have to find the beginning so difficultly
Stop playing victim....you know what you did.

Offline addg22

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Re: Kokuou(King)
« Reply #6 on: November 23, 2013, 11:20:56 PM »
Sorry about that. I wrote it on final draft and it does that automatically.
I haven't updated this story in a long time since i thought no 1 would read it. But i guess i was wrong. I'll update it when i'm finished getting my story together.
Ill fix the middle thing thanks for tip.
Read my story below tell me what you think! I need pointers !
Example: you need to add more detail in this scence i cant imagine it.! Thanks guys for reading !

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Offline legomaestro

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Re: Kokuou(King) updated(11/27/13)
« Reply #7 on: December 10, 2013, 09:06:54 AM »
So I finally got through it. I know a first chapter is supposed to introduce everything, but for some reason it felt a bit too much like a story, like if I was Genji I'd know someone was writing everything and making stuff happen. The odd meetings and situations he finds himself in in this day seem a bit too coincidental. The female childhood friend who acts shy in the beginning does not have a crush on him because obviously he likes her (If he didn't feel shy or embarrased about it then she would've like him.) And then comes bumping into Rei, the mysterious badass who knows everything somehow, and finally an attack happens on the school.

When Genji said 'I thought mages are hated by human society." It seemed like he was saying it for the benefit of the audience. Didn't he already know the way mages were used in this world?

The events themselves aren't bad, but I think some pacing would work. Unfortunately I have no idea how you'd go around fixing that. I think the better idea would be to just try imagining yourself in Genji's shoes going forward, try to make the situations just a little more sensible.

What's important is to write up the next chapters in the story.

However the mood-mage ring seems interesting, and this talk of seals as well. Aiko's hate of mages could be a useful point to use to develop the story.




If TL:DR then basically this needs work to get it into shape, but it's better to just go ahead and write some more.

Offline addg22

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Re: Kokuou(King) updated(11/27/13)
« Reply #8 on: December 10, 2013, 07:13:28 PM »
I see what you mean i think im forcing to many scences like the bathroom or the confession. Ill revise and change that since i myself thought those scences to be a little out of place too coicidential.
Read my story below tell me what you think! I need pointers !
Example: you need to add more detail in this scence i cant imagine it.! Thanks guys for reading !

http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,8760.0.html