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Author Topic: Hell's Paradise (working title)  (Read 8477 times)

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Offline LazyDude

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Hell's Paradise (working title)
« on: July 19, 2013, 07:00:11 PM »
Basically my story is a not so obvious mix between Durarara!!, One Piece and Deadman Wonderland.

So tell me if it is ok or not.


Chapter 1: A Mission in Hell!
Spoiler
In the year 2097, The human race has run out of space to make more prisons for their toughest criminals so instead of just making prisons all over the place, They decide to make several branches of prison cities in countries where the crime rate was extreme. These prison cities were like normal cities except all the residents were hard time criminals. Being sent to these cities was like a death sentence. Most criminals sent here are forced to follow the rule, the fittest survive. This event was known as The Lawless Era. It is now the year 2195. Kazuya Nakamura is a 15 year old smuggler. He usually smuggles weapons inside of one of the most formidable prison cities called Hell's Paradise.

Kazuya enters The Boss-sama' Shop

Kazuya: "Hey Boss-sama got a job for me?"

Boss-sama: "Just a regular job, smuggling some weapons inside of Hell's Paradise. Think ya can do that?"

Kazuya: "Where?"

Boss-sama: "Isnt it obvious? That damn high school filled with those criminal psychos"

Kazuya: "Aww come on Boss-sama ya know what we do isnt exactly legal and those kids are around my age."

Boss-sama: "Yea whatever just do the job. By the way the reward for this job is 69,000 seeds."

Seeds is a worldwide currency they use in this year.

Kazuya: "Quite the bit of money. These jobs are usually tricks to capture people"

Boss-sama: "Nah Ichi-san confirmed this job is legit."

Kazuya (thinks): "Ah Ichi-san. I can definitely trust him. We knew each other for about 6 years. He is like a brother to me. Well a brother that kicks my ass in fighting and BB Gun shootouts. Ah those were the days. Well anyway"

Kazuya: "Good. This will be the last job I do sorry Boss-sama. But after this job I will finally have enough money to go and visit my...

Boss-sama snores loudly.

Kazuya: "WHAT THE HELL Boss-sama?!"

Boss-sama wakes up

Boss-sama: "YOUR STILL HERE?! GET OUT OF MY ESTABLISHMENT YOUR STINKING UP MY BUSINESS! GO AND DO THE DAMN JOB! I DONT GET PAYED TO LISTEN TO YOUR LIFE'S STORY!"

Boss-sama literally kicks him out of his shop.

Kazuya: "SCREW YOU OLD MAN! I HOPE YOUR BUSINESS GOES DOWN THE DRAIN AFTER I LEAVE!!! BASTARD!!!"

Boss-sama throws a plant at Kazuya. Making Kazuya fall to the ground hard.

Kazuya: "Stupid old man. So annoying. Well let me do this job before he fires me."

Ichi-san appears in the uniform ready to start the job

Ichi-san: "Ya know you got a bad habit of talking to yourself."

Kazuya: "Oh where did you come from? Oh crap let me get in uniform."

Ichi-san smiles.

Kazuya: "Ok ready."

Both puts the cargo in the truck.

Both get in the seats and start driving to the gate.

Ichi-san: "Ugh great. I thought the guards would be our usual moles to get us in"

Kazuya: "No worries I know these guys."

Ichi-san drives up to the gate and stops

Kazuya leans out of the window and talks to one of the guards.

Kazuya: "So Boss-sama got you working here man?"

Guard: "Yea... Hey wait who is that with you. He looks familiar to me."

Ichi-san: "Yea I work for Boss-sama too."

Guard: "Not what I mean I thought I saw you hanging with the police last week."

Kazuya: "The police? Dude you lost your mind?! He would never get caught. He is a pro"

Ichi-san: "Yea"

Guard: "Not what I mea... well nvm your probably on a schedule. I will open up for you"

Kazuya: "Oh ok"

Gate opens and the two drive in.

Kazuya: "What was that all about?"

Ichi-san: "I dont know man."

Kazuya: "You sure you dont got some girl in the police you not telling me about."

Ichi-san: "Nah man with all the work I gotta do. Its just crazy"

Kazuya: "Mhm sureeee! Ha man we should do this more often just hanging out.

Ichi-san: " Yea we shou-

Police cars appear and force the truck in a wide alley with a dead end.

Kazuya: "WHAT THE HECK HOW DID THEY KNOW WE WERE HERE?!"

Ichi-san: "I dont know....."

Kazuya: "HOW ARE YOU CALM?!"

The truck crashes in the dead end but both passengers manage to stay conscious

Kazuya grabs the shotgun under his seat and gets out of the truck with a face that expresses his killing intent. Ichi-san drops out of the car using all of his strength just to stand up

The police officers get out of their cars only to be shot one by one by Kazuya in the legs and arms so they wont be able to move but keeping them alive. While Ichi-san stares in a terrified gaze.

Snipers suddenly appear on the roof and puts a bullet in his shoulder and another in his leg.

Sniper: "That was a warning shot kid"

A police officer calls 20 men to move in closer and surround him with high tech guns with explosive bullets.

Police officer: "Just stand down we only need to know the names of all of your co-workers so we can shut down your little operation.

Ichi-san: "This wasnt apart of the deal! I told you not to hurt Kazuya, and all you told me you needed was the cargo and you would pay me 600,000 seeds for this. If you dont pay me for this I swear I wil-"

The officers shoots Ichi-san in the head.

Kazuya drops the gun in amazement.

Kazuya: "DAMMIT NOO!!"

Officers move in and ties him up.

Police officer: "Oh come on your screaming for the friend who just betrayed you. He was a worthless idiot. This is the first he has actually been useful as a tool to let you know we mean business. Now give me all the names and maybe you can get 10 minutes to run."

Kazuya: "How could you be so cruel? The officers of the law that the citizens put their faith in. You are supposed to fight for justice. DAMMIT ILL KILL YOU BASTARDS FOR KILLING HIM! JUST WAIT UNTIL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU BASTARDS!!! GOD HIMSELF WILL BEG ME TO STOP MUTILATING YOUR DEAD BODIES "

Police officer: "Justice? HAHA HAHA HA HA HA HA. We live in the lawless era. In this era such a word does not exist. We play by our own rules to get our job done so that we can get payed. Dont you know that idiot?"

Kazuya: "SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!"

Police officer: "Hey, Calm down."

Random officer: "Sir I found a sticker on the truck that gives the address of the establishment."

Police officer: "Now would you look at that, your usefulness has gone down the drain. Kill him"

Random officers: YES SIR!!

They aim to shoot.

A tall man appears on a roof behind Kazuya.

Tall man: "STOP!"

Random officer: "OH CRAP ITS...."

Kazuya strains to look back to see who it is.

Police officer: "Why are you stopping us?"

Tall Man: "Because if any more bullets go off people other than me will get here. Its not safe here. Take the boy to the school with the cargo."

Police officer: "Why cant you just do it and save us the trouble?"

Tall Man: "Because your my b#tches take it to the school. Some people need weapons"

Police officer: "Ok but after we have to pay a visit to a dirty business."

Tall Man: "Thats ok."

The tall man vanishes from the police officers sight in a flash.

Kazuya: (thinks) "Is he serious? Giving weapons to criminals. What kind of police officers are these clowns or what kind of criminals are in Hell's Paradise. Wait I just realized they are going to Boss-sama' Shop. I have to stop them"

They throw Kazuya into the police car and drive to the gate of high school. Once they arrive they literally kick him out of the car and drop the box filled with cargo beside him then the police drive off in the direction leaving the city toward

Boss-sama' shop.

Kazuya: "I WONT LET YOU KILL HIM! YOU BASTARDS!!!!!"

Kazuya then gets up and picks up a pistol from the box then sees the very tall man.

Kazuya: "Listen I really am not in the mood to get my ass beat right now. My Boss-sama is waiting for me to come save him. If you have a car I will be taking it. I will need to catch up with them fast.

The tall man stoops down to examine the box.

Kazuya points the gun directly in his forehead.

The tall man continues to look through the box.

Kazuya: "Listen I will shoot you. Now do you have a car or not? I really need to get going stupid man.

The tall man takes the box and starts walking toward the high school

Kazuya: "HEY GIVE ME THE BOX BACK STUPID MAN! I REALLY DONT LIKE KILLING BUT I WILL IF I HAVE TO!"

Tall Man: "My name is not stupid man."

Kazuya: "Huh?"

Tall Man: "My name is Johnathon Wall. I am an Executioner in The Death Squad. Basically I am one of the Prison Warden of Hell's Paradise.

Kazuya: "So your an american. Well doesnt matter. I dont care if you are the cuddler of the rainbow squad it doesnt matter. I have the gun. Its obvious your not going to be nice so bye"

Kazuya fires his weapon.

Johnathon stays still.

Kazuya gasps in amazement

Kazuya: "I MISSED AT POINT BLANK RANGE!! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! I AM THE BEST WITH A GUN IN MY TOWN!! HOW THE HELL!!!!"

Johnathon: "Thank you for the weapons. Come inside with me."

Kazuya tries to fire his weapon again and it jams

Kazuya: "WHAT THE HELL?!"

Johnathon: "Your bullets will never reach me"

Kazuya proceeds to clean his weapon and try again.

Johnathon: "Like I was saying your going to have to come with me. I understand that you have some one you to protect. But your injured and weak you will die out here. If you want to protect your friend you must get stronger."

Kazuya tries to to fire his weapon again and it jams.

Kazuya: "THIS IS INSANE"

Kazuya blinks and when his eyes are open he sees himself flying toward the door of the high school and then he sees Johnathon with his leg up in such a way that looks like he kicked him and suddenly his stomach finally feels pain but soon it doesnt matter. He realized he would feel greater pain when he collided with the door.

Kazuya goes through the door and then a wall after that and lands in the gym of the school.

Girl: "Who is that?"

Young Boy: "Probably a new prisoner or some stupid guy who thought he was tough enough to enter Hell's Paradise. You can see that he is knocked out. And since when are you interested Saki?"

Saki: "I just asked who he was dont sue me for it. And since when do you call me Saki? You always call me Nee-san. Maybe I should start calling you Yukio. What do you think o-"

Yukio: "Anyway he is going to die if no one takes him to the nurse.

Saki: "DONT INTERUPT ME! I WA-"

A wild buff guy appears.

Yukio: "Rock-san is that you? What are you doing in the gym I thought you were at lunch"

Saki: "YOU DID IT AGAIN. I SWE-"

Rock-san: "I refuse to let this guy die. He looks banged up pretty bad. He must have been through allot. He might have a good reason for coming here.

Johnathon finally walks through the broken wall.

Johnathon: "I guess I kicked him too hard."

Rock-san: "Damn its an executioner. Yukio I am going to need you to... and he is gone. Just perfect. Fine then Saki I am need you to... oh come on are you serious?!"

Saki runs off behind Yukio who is far ahead

Saki: "Bye I got to go. Actually I lied. I am just scared."

Johnathon: "Take the boy to the Nurse. He needs healing. If you dont I will kill you and do it myself.

Rock-san: "Um sure."

Rock-san throws Kazuya over his shoulder and proceeds to carry him to the nurse.

Johnathon: "Hurry. In the name of JUSTICE!!!!!"

Rock-san: "Um right...."

Rock-san goes faster.
TO BE CONTINUED
« Last Edit: October 27, 2013, 03:27:51 PM by LazyDude »

Offline wolf sama

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Re: Hell's Paradise (working title)
« Reply #1 on: July 19, 2013, 11:20:33 PM »
nice work man  8)
“A girl is a person who screams at the mouse and smiles at the wolf”

Offline LazyDude

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Re: Hell's Paradise (working title)
« Reply #2 on: July 20, 2013, 08:12:58 AM »
Thanks man. :dance:

Offline WatcherOfSky

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Re: Hell's Paradise (working title)
« Reply #3 on: July 20, 2013, 08:46:09 AM »
Ok, I read it and found myself asking, "Why would anyone do/say something like that?"

There are a lot of unnatural behaviours in this.

First of all, the way the "boss" spokewas a bit unusual. Maybe perhaps adding a bit more slang and phrases ( anything would do, but he would seem like the type of guy to talk in such a manner).

Secondly, it struck me as odd that kazuya would have no suspicion that it was Ichi-san who called the police when he calls out, "How are you calm?!"Even after he was spotted with cops. This type of world seems like a place where you can't trust anybody.

Thirdly, the policemen turn from "lawless" to "merciful" pretty suddenly. Either keep one concept or the other, as it makes it very unnatural. Why would they decide suddenly to just not kill him. Even if they did explain why, it still was a pretty peculiar action.

Question: why would Kazuya want to save the boss? Was is set up to be a hate-love situation? The way the boss flung him out with a sort of no-nonsense attitude gave off no warm feelings.

The last obvious flaw was why Jonathon wanted to help him so fiercly, as to threatening to kill someone for his safety?

Also the pacing seems a bit fast in my opinion too. (or perhaps it's just the format)


For good points, the story itself doesn't seem cliche or seem to have an obvious plothole anywhere (as of yet), but future chapters will answer this question for me hopefully.

Also try working on outlining the character's personalities, because I feel a bit in the dark with most of them.


I patiently await for the next segments.
« Last Edit: July 20, 2013, 08:53:29 AM by WatcherOfSky »
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Offline LazyDude

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Re: Hell's Paradise (working title)
« Reply #4 on: July 20, 2013, 10:25:47 AM »
Well at first I intended to make Boss sound that way. Because he was just a temporary character used to connect kazuya and his job so honestly his character just popped in my head. I intended to make it a tough love relationship. Thats why I added the "-sama" at the character name so it would be obvious that even though he is yelling at him he still sort of respected him.

Oh yea and I kinda made Kazuya into a like a violent form of Monkey D. Luffy from One Piece. I wanted him to be the hopeless idiot. And I tried to make it clear even though he betrayed him he still considered him a friend. And even if Kazuya was smart enough to realize that Ichi-san betrayed him. It would not really show since everything was happening so fast. I tried to make it where in that dangerous situation they tend to lose their thoughts.

And yea the police part was my flaw. I got carried away in making them bad guys. And then I guess the writing caught up with it self so I just came up with a bullsh#t reason to save the main character. But I think I will try and fix that part.

And about the Johnathon thing. I was going to reveal why he wanted to save Kazuya in the next chapter. And the reason why he would kill the guy because of him was a way of me showing that this Johnathon guy can kill on just a whim.

Also by outline do you mean you want me to give more information in character profiles?

Offline WatcherOfSky

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Re: Hell's Paradise (working title)
« Reply #5 on: July 20, 2013, 10:30:49 AM »
Well at first I intended to make Boss sound that way. Because he was just a temporary character used to connect kazuya and his job so honestly his character just popped in my head. I intended to make it a tough love relationship. Thats why I added the "-sama" at the character name so it would be obvious that even though he is yelling at him he still sort of respected him.

Oh yea and I kinda made Kazuya into a like a violent form of Monkey D. Luffy from One Piece. I wanted him to be the hopeless idiot. And I tried to make it clear even though he betrayed him he still considered him a friend. And even if Kazuya was smart enough to realize that Ichi-san betrayed him. It would not really show since everything was happening so fast. I tried to make it where in that dangerous situation they tend to lose their thoughts.

And yea the police part was my flaw. I got carried away in making them bad guys. And then I guess the writing caught up with it self so I just came up with a bullsh#t reason to save the main character. But I think I will try and fix that part.

And about the Johnathon thing. I was going to reveal why he wanted to save Kazuya in the next chapter. And the reason why he would kill the guy because of him was a way of me showing that this Johnathon guy can kill on just a whim.

Also by outline do you mean you want me to give more information in character profiles?

Character developement, you don't need to write out a profile to describe a charatcer. Try to showcase it in their actions and sayings. I just felt there wasn't enough of it.

And I was sort of guessing that you would explain the reason, but it still seemed a bit too sudden when Kazuya came their unexpectedly.

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Offline LazyDude

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Re: Hell's Paradise (working title)
« Reply #6 on: July 20, 2013, 11:41:41 AM »
Oh ok thanks. I will try to finish up my second chapter and get started on the third chapter. And I edited the Police part you can check back and see if it is ok.

Offline WatcherOfSky

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Re: Hell's Paradise (working title)
« Reply #7 on: July 20, 2013, 11:54:30 AM »
Well, its better now. Thats for sure.

Just keep working on your characters and how they act.
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Offline KagePen

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Re: Hell's Paradise (working title)
« Reply #8 on: July 20, 2013, 11:59:09 AM »
Crime drenched city? Corrupt police officials? Thug life teenagers? Oh the the nostalgia! ;D Home sweet home South Africa ^_^  xD

Offline LazyDude

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Re: Hell's Paradise (working title)
« Reply #9 on: July 20, 2013, 02:07:24 PM »
Oh yea can some one tell me if Hell's Paradise is a good title because I plan on having it where they leave hell's paradise at some point.

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Re: Hell's Paradise (working title)
« Reply #10 on: July 20, 2013, 10:24:24 PM »
Chapter two is up!  :biggrin:

Offline WatcherOfSky

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Re: Hell's Paradise (working title)
« Reply #11 on: July 21, 2013, 04:18:39 AM »
You should have posted it here, not in a new thread.


You should go switch it now...
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Offline LazyDude

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Re: Hell's Paradise (working title)
« Reply #12 on: July 21, 2013, 08:21:42 AM »
You should have posted it here, not in a new thread.


You should go switch it now...

Eh my bad kinda new here lol.

I will post it here

Offline LazyDude

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Re: Hell's Paradise (working title)
« Reply #13 on: July 21, 2013, 08:30:38 AM »
So here I am making sure I am at the best I can be with my writing. So I just finished chapter two. So please tell if it is entertaining or not. I dont know if my writing improved or not but I tried to make it comedic with also some action and stuff.

I also gave some characters a "fix". Like for example Sanji from One Piece goes crazy for girls. So here ya go:

Chapter 2: High School of Hell?!
Spoiler
Kazuya wakes up in the nurse's office on a table with 3 people staring at him and a nurse standing over him.

Kazuya: "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE?! AND WHERE THE HELL AM I?!!!"

Nurse: "I am the nurse. I removed the bullets from your body."

Rock-san: "I am the one who carried you here after the executioner knocked the living crap out of you. I dont have a real name so people just call me Rock-san because of my huge and manly muscles. Not showing off or anything."

Saki: "STOP YELLING YOU STUPID IDIOT. Actually I lied. You look smart. Anyway my name is Saki Misora."

Kazuya: "Right..... Who is the 7 year old over there?"

Yukio: "I am 13. My name is Yukio. You can call me Mister Winter."

Kazuya: "Ok but where am I?"

Yukio: "Your in Hell's High school. A prison for young criminals like yourself. What is your name?"

Kazuya: "I am NOT a criminal. My name is Kazuya Nakamura. But why are you guys not in jail cells or have shackles on."

Saki takes out her knives.

Saki: "Say that again."

Kazuya: "Wah why do you have weapons?! Dont they search you for weapons and take them from you like regular prisons?"

Rock-san: "This is not a normal prison. The reason they give us so much freedom is because of two reasons. The first reason is simple, its to show how powerless we are."

Kazuya: "THATS INSANE!!! A GUN CAN KILL ANY ONE IN ONE SHOT NO MATTER HOW STRONG YOU ARE!! A BULLET CAN KILL ANY PERSON HERE!!!"

Rock-san: "Thats not true. Judging by your anger, I am guessing your a gunfighter. I am sure you tried to shoot the executioner and I bet it jammed or you missed at point blank or you grazed him."

Kazuya: "Oh. But why couldnt I hit him?"

Rock-san: "Its a weird ability most executioners and some hardcore criminals have."

Saki: "Like swords rust or swords break or you keep missing."

Rock-san: "Yup. Even me with my big manly muscles, not showing off or anything, stands no chance against an executioner."

Kazuya: "Oh I see......"

Rock-san: "Like I was saying, The other reason is because they simply dont care what happens to us."

Kazuya: "You serious?"

Rock-san: "I am dead serious. Being sent here is like a death sentence so the big-wigs outside of this city could care less if we die so they give us weapons so we can get it done faster. And yes that includes The Death Squad. They dont care about them even though they are police officers who are trained to maintain order in this city. They hide behind the death squad as an excuse to tell citizens that they intend to keep us alive.

Kazuya: "Oh. Wait I remembered an executioner saved me right? Why did he?"

Yukio: "Yes he did. He is one of the nicer executioners."

Kazuya: "Oh...... WAIT I JUST REMEMBERED I GOT TO GO SAVE Boss-sama"

Kazuya attempts to get out of bed but his wounds start to open up and he exclaims in pain.

Nurse: "Please you need to rest."

Saki: "Who is that?"

Johnathon walks in

Kazuya: "HEY WHY DID YOU SAVE ME!"

Johnathon: "The business you work for saved my life

Kazuya: "Huh?"

Johnathon: "Criminals at the school try to kill us executioners every day. You smuggle weapons in this place. I used those weapons to save my life and the lives of people dear to me. I dont like using guns but in that situation I had to."

Everyone in the room says: "AWWW!!!!!!"

Johnathon: "But that was only a one time thing. The next time we meet I wont help you."

Everyone in the room says: "OHHHHH!!!!!!!"

Johnathon: "Anyway phone call for Kazuya"

Kazuya: "Thats me. Who is it?"

Johnathon: "He said his name was Boss-sama or something."

Kazuya: "GIMME PHONE!!!"

Kazuya speaks into the phone.

Kazuya: "Hello that you Boss-sama?"

Boss-sama: "Yea."

On Boss-sama' end of the phone line he is sitting on a chair that is on top of the police officer who shot Ichi-san. And his entire police force are scattered in Boss-sama' shop on the floor knocked out.

Kazuya: "ARE YOU OKAY??!!!! DID ANY POLICE OFFICERS HURT YOU??!!!!!"

Boss-sama: "One of them told me 'I am afraid we will have to shut down your operation.' I am guessing he lost his mind thinking he can talk to me like that."

Kazuya: "Oh what happened? Who took care of them?"

Boss-sama: "Doesnt matter. I wont be able to bail you out though. I will have to move my business to the Indian prison city territory."

Kazuya: "I kinda figured but are you okay old man?"

Boss-sama: "Of cour-"

The police officer his chair sitting on wakes up.

Police Officer: (tired straining to say) "How dare you? You wont get away with this."

Boss-sama: "SHUT UP!!! YOUR LUCKY ALL I DID WAS BEAT THE LIVING SH#T OUT OF YOU FOR KILLING Ichi-san!!!!"

Police Officer: "He betrayed you. Why do you care about him?"

Boss-sama: "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I CARE???!!!!! HUH!!!!!!!"

Police officer: "Huh?"

Boss-sama pulls his gun and aims it at his head.

Police officer: "WAIT PLEASE DONT KILL ME! I AM BEGGING YOU!!!"

Boss-sama: "It should go without saying that Ichi-san is still considered my friend even though he betrayed me. I am not as merciful as Kazuya leaving your squad too injured to fight but alive. I believe its time for you to die."

Police officer: "NO!!!! STOP PLEASE!!!!"

Boss-sama fires his weapon and kills the officer.

Kazuya: "What was that all about?"

Boss-sama hangs up the phone

Scene goes back to the nurse room.

Saki: "Is everything okay?"

Kazuya: "I guess so."

Kazuya smiles.

Johnathon takes phone.

Johnathon: "Take him to his dorm."

Kazuya: "WE GET DORMS!!!! AWESOME YOU SURE THIS IS A PRISON?!!!!!!!

Johnathon: "You will be living here in Hell's Paradise. Normally you would have to fight to get a room. But I feel like
giving you a room. This place is not really a prison its just an isolated city filled with criminals with a death sentence. And its my job to maintain order in the name of JUSTICE!!!!!"

Kazuya: "Right....."

Saki: "Ok I will take him."

Rock-san: "I will get going back to class with my manly muscles. Not showing off or anything."

Yukio: "Going back to your house Saki"

Rock-san and Yukio leave the nurse's office.

Saki: "Lets get going."

Kazuya: "Wait let me change out of uniform."

Kazuya changes out of his grey jumpsuit and goes back to his clothes before the job. Which are a black shirt and a black fur collar jacket with fur on the end of the sleeves with white pants and black shoes.

Saki: "DON'T DO THAT IN FRONT OF ME!! ITS NOT LIKE I LIKED THAT OR ANY THING!!! Actually I lied. I kind of liked it. GO IN A ROOM OR SOMETHING!!!!"

Kazuya: "I am already dressed lets just go."

Scene opens up with Saki and Kazuya walking past a water fountain and they see unsavory types bullying what looks like a regular business man.

Kazuya: "Hey what are those guys doing."

Saki: "Kind of obvious they want money from him."

Kazuya: "Why?"

Saki: "A few reasons. Mostly to spread news about their gang and wa-"

Kazuya: "GANGS ARE HERE?!"

Saki: "DON'T SAY IT SO LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Thug 3: "HEY YOU GOT A PROBLEM?!"

The thugs walk up to them leaving the business man alone.

Thug 3: "You got a problem with us tough guy."

Kazuya: "I got a problem with little 5 year olds who bully."

All Thugs: "AWW SNAP WE GOT A BADASS OVER HERE."

Saki: "Back off you thugs smell like spoiled sh#t. Actually I lied. You smell like regular sh#t."

Thug grabs Saki.

Saki smiles.

Kazuya: "HEY LET GO OF HER!"

Saki: "I got this Kazuya."

Kazuya: "Huh?"

Saki takes out her knives.

Saki: "Its true that one sword holds 27 holy essences. Two swords hold 54.

All thugs: "Huh? Is this chick crazy?"

Kazuya: "Right....."

Saki breaks free.

Saki: "So let my swords' holy essences become one with you"

Saki: "DANSE DE L'ACIER!!!!!!"

Saki holds her knives in her hands and spins around in a circle with her hands free. Cutting up all the thugs around her striping their skin like ribbons. Then shakes off the blood off her blades then puts them back in her sheaths.

All thugs: "AWHHHHH"

All thugs drop to the floor while Kazuya looks in amazement.

Kazuya: "WOAH SO YOUR A SWORDSMAN."

Saki: "SWORDSWOMAN IDIOT!!!! Actually I lied. You look smart. Any way lets go."

Kazuya: "Wait up."

Kazuya drops a phone on one of the thugs heads. Implying that he is giving them a chance to call for help.

Saki: "If you keep showing mercy like that nothing good will come."

Kazuya: "If thats true I guess I will have to pay the price."

Kazuya and Saki start walking again.

They finally reach the dorms.

Saki: "This it it"

Kazuya: "AWESOME ITS SO BIG."

Saki: "STOP SOUNDING SEXUAL!!!!!"

Businessman walks up.

Businessman: "Thank you so much for protecting me from those thugs."

Saki: "Oh you work here?"

Businessman: "Yes. As a gift for saving me I will give you my biggest room. Johnathon gave you a pretty small room."

Kazuya: "Oh Thanks."

Businessman walks off.

Saki: "Well I am going to lunch."

Kazuya: "Your not going to show me around or show me to my room."

Saki: "I DON'T WANNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU!!!! Actually I lied. I kinda w-"

Kazuya: "I don't know my room number just show me to the door."

Saki: "Ok fine but if I here rumors I will cut it off."

Kazuya: "Wait cut what off?"

Saki walks off in the direction.

Kazuya: "HEY WAIT CUT WHAT OFF?!!!"

Kazuya runs after her.
TO BE CONTINUED.
« Last Edit: October 16, 2013, 02:25:09 PM by LazyDude »

Offline LazyDude

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Re: Hell's Paradise (working title)
« Reply #14 on: August 15, 2013, 10:47:39 PM »
Ok This is chapter 3. I dont know if I added action too soon or if it is too intense. I wrote is it in this format so I would not have to write it again for the artist.....  if I ever get an artist :D So tell me what you think. Should I change anything? But anyway I will just start right on it.

Chapter 3: First day of Hell's High School!
Spoiler
The scene opens up with Kazuya waking up in his bed in the morning with only jeans and socks on.

Kazuya: "I guess my first day of a real school begins to day."

Kazuya gets up stretches and puts a shirt on.

Kazuya: "Hmm I wonder what the uniform is?"

He remembers back to last night where Saki tells him the school has no uniform policy.

Kazuya: "What a weird school. Is that how they do it in america or is it just this weird school?"

He leaves his room and walks down the stairs and sees the thugs are not there but he still sees the blood splatters from a distance. He continues to walk to his school.

Kazuya: "Man that girl is strong. I wonder if there are others that are stronger than her. Well I brought my gun today. One thing I dont understand is what is keeping some random psycho to take a gun and kill them all."

He remembers what Rock-san said about that strange ability The Death Squad and hard core criminals have.

Kazuya: "I guess I answered my question."

He finally reaches his school.

He walks through the entrance of the school to see a mass of students every where not wearing any uniform. And that was not all. He saw kids selling things, Guys sexually harassing some females, people fighting, people trying weapons , and just a group of people standing around showing how tough they are and the place was just so noisy.

Kazuya: "THIS PLACE ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The area suddenly got quiet and everyone was looking at him.

Kazuya: (thinks) "Well that was a mistake. I should probably just keep walking."

The area then suddenly got noisy again.

Kazuya: "Whew close, not good to embarrass yourself on the first day."

Kazuya spots Rock-san talking to a tiny crowd of people within the crowded area.

Kazuya walks up and then he can hear clearly.

Rock-san: "HEY HEY YOU JUST DISRESPECTED ME BY ASKING THAT QUESTION!"

Crowd Member: "Oh come on we are not that bad. We have quite the bit of members and reputation we dont need you
but I do want you in.

Kazuya: "Whats going on?"

Crowd Member: "Oh I get it your gonna make your own with this newbie here. You really think you will last long."

Rock-san: "Hey your gonna make me mad fast."

Kazuya: "Can some one tell me what is going on?"

Crowd Member: "Its nothing we just asked this guy to ditch his loser-"

Rock-san punches the member of the crowd.

A bigger crowd start to surround them

The smaller crowd then tackles Rock-san and piles on top of him.

Rock-san tries to shake them off but the member that got punched by him gets up and attempts to join the pile to
make 17 people but he is countered by Kazuya. Kazuya pushes him. The crowd member gets up and attempts to come back for seconds. But Kazuya side steps and pistol whips him from behind.

Rock-san finally gets up, sending every one piled up on him flying in different directions.

A few seconds later the crowd members get up and attempt to come back.

Kazuya fires his weapon and hits 6 of them in the legs. But one crowd member manages to get in his range and kicks the gun out of his hand.

Kazuya: (thinks) "Damn my weapon"

Now Rock-san and Kazuya fight back to back with hand to hand combat.

In this tiny moment they manage to exchange a few words before the other crowd members get up.

Rock-san: "You gonna be ok without your weapon?"

Kazuya: "Yea of course I know karate."

Rock-san: "Black belt?"

Kazuya: "Something like that. I seen how strong you are. Hold back a little dont kill these clowns."

Rock-san: "You really are soft like Saki said. Thanks for the help. And I am sorry I cant hold back. I dont like killing but I dont exactly hate it either."

Then the two start furiously brawling again.

Among all this chaos. Yukio and Saki slowly walk closer to the area. While walking they exchange words.

Saki: "How many?"

Yukio: "10 but 2 of them are getting tired. They will soon collapse leaving 8.

Saki: "How many can I defeat in one shot?"

Yukio: "6 and a half"

Saki: "Half?"

Yukio: "You will only be able to graze one if you count that it would be 7 at best unless..."

Saki: "Unless what?"

Yukio: "Put everything you have into turning left after you hit 3 people during the attack."

Saki: "Ok."

Saki runs off to join the fighting. And Yukio wanders into the bigger crowd who is watching.

Saki: "One sword has 64 deadly winds. Two swords have 128.

Saki: "COUPER!!!!...... TORNADE!!!!!!!!!!!"

And suddenly all the enemies that Kazuya and Rock-san was fighting flew into the air in a spinning motion.

Then they all fell to the ground hard.

Kazuya and Rock-san's mouths fell to the floor in amazement.

Kazuya: "Thanks for the save."

Saki: "No proble-"

An executioner that was not Johnathon jumped down from the sky and landed behind Saki.

His badge said Edward Brick and then he spoke.

Edward: "Have you forgotten the rules?!!"

And then, as if everything was in slow motion, The entire crowd that was watching ran. The only people that remained were the knocked out people along with Kazuya, Rock-san and Saki even Yukio left.

Edward: "You kids need to learn the rules. IT CLEARLY SAYS NO FIGHTING!"

Edward then attempts to kick Saki.

Kazuya and Rock-san begin to run to her aid.

Kazuya makes it and grabs Saki and takes the kick from Edward for Saki.

Kazuya collapses with Saki in his arms and slides close to the wall.

Rock-san charges at Edward only to be kneed in the face.

Edward then turns to Kazuya and Saki.

Edward: "I just dont understand you criminals. You do things you should know are wrong and expect to get away with it. You expect that justice wont find you. Your quickly angered over small things. AND YOU THINK THAT THERE IS NOT A PRICE TO PAY FOR THAT?!!!!!! Here you are straining to stay alive while your very existence is a THREAT TO SOCIETY!!!!! And you have the nerve to think some where deep inside of your heart THAT YOU DESERVE YOUR EXISTENCE! YOU DONT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Edward then attempts to kick their bodies but is blocked by Rock-san

Rock-san: "SAKI TAKE KAZUYA AND GET GOING!!!" 

Saki: "WHY??!!!!"

Rock-san: "HE FOUGHT BESIDE ME. I FEEL LIKE I SPENT A LIFETIME WITH THE GUY!!!!! GET UP AND GET HIM AWAY FROM HERE!!!!"

Edward: "Rock-san you must realize that even you with all your strength stands no chance."

Rock-san: "My manly muscles can hold out just fine. Not showing off or anything."

Edward: "Is that so?"

And then suddenly Edward is kicked in the head hard by a pregnant woman who just happened to be their history teacher.

Rock-san and Saki say in unison: " T4 HISTORY????!!!!!!"

T4 History is the history teacher. Who happened to be pregnant and still able to move like that and have a strong passion for teaching.

Edward falls to the ground.

T4 History: "HI KIDS!"

Edward: "You should not interfere. You might be strong but this is not your fight. These kids need to be punished."

T4 History: "Well I know that silly Ed. But I saw Yukio was not with Saki. And I know my students. If Saki is not with
Yukio something is wrong."

Edward gets up.

Edward: "I dont have time for this. Your just a regular teacher. This is not your area of expertise. Justice must be served here."

T4 History: "NO!!!! They are young minds your justice can be served after school is over. Your forgetting your not just a police officer but you also work for this school. And one of the rules is..... erm..... something..... I forgot but its something about knowledge coming first."

Edward's walkie talkie goes off saying "Hideo Morimoto has been spotted near the bus stop by Hell's High School all units prepare to capture him dead or alive."

T4 History: "Hmph. Looks like you got a job to do silly Ed."

Edward: "Ugh this is not over."

Edward vanishes.
TO BE CONTINUED.
« Last Edit: October 16, 2013, 02:28:29 PM by LazyDude »