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Author Topic: Blackout  (Read 1117 times)

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Offline suupertramp

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Blackout
« on: December 28, 2012, 11:14:17 AM »
hey this is my first story that i might end up writing at least a chapter or two.
its a bit of experimental style, i dont normally write in first person, but it felt like it needed it. i dont know if i will stay in that style, that whole thing is more of a test since i dont write much, its to get me used to writing :P
i cant really explain too much of the story since i havn't thought of it yet, but it follows a person with amnesia (Hence the name blackout which i might change :P) as he tries to find his past and who he is, and what he has to do :P

heres the first chapter, well its more of a prologue to set a bit of a scene, since the story starts in the next chapter.

it would be great to hear what you guys think (as always), and if any corrections are in order, let me know :P

CHAPTER LINKS

Chapter 0 - Prologue (this post)
Chapter 1 – Born in a warzone

-------------------

Chapter 0 – Prologue

The steel door is slammed shut behind me as I am thrown into a small room. I can hear the voices of people through the door,
“It’s fascinating how someone reacts when they know”
“Truly unpredictable” agrees another voice

There is no time to admire the minimal décor.  I can feel my body’s response slowing as the drug spreads through my body. I have less than 20 seconds before I lose consciousness, and on waking up I will have no memories. Such is my punishment.

Throughout the building I am in, the tremors of small explosions resonate through the walls and floors. The voices at my door move away, summoned by an alarm that rings through the corridors.

There is now no-one observing me through the one-way glass. It is my only chance. I must write the first clue, but there is nothing to write with inside this room. I know without having to search, and there is only one solution that is available. I move my hand to my elbow, and overriding the pain that passes through my body, rip skin and flesh from my arm with sheer force.

The shock is nearly enough to render me unconscious but pushing myself beyond my limits I force myself to move forward, but my legs give way and I collapse on the mezzanine floor, landing roughly on my left side as I try and stop myself from falling onto my face. Blood pools around my injured left arm and I through my hazy vision I can just about see as I write a message to no-one other than myself.

When I regain consciousness I will have not only have no memory of this event but I will not even know who I am. As a completely different person, I will face an almost impossible mission. This has been my plan from the beginning, but there were too many variables out of my control. I was careless, and many lives are now in danger.

 I can only hope that I have done the right thing. The world cannot know of such a horrifying truth.

“Good luck, future me” I say to myself, although I already know luck cannot be counted on.

My vision goes black and my thoughts lose their flow as I fall into a falsely peaceful state of unconsciousness.
« Last Edit: December 29, 2012, 01:19:27 PM by suupertramp »

Offline h_musick

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Re: Blackout
« Reply #1 on: December 28, 2012, 02:49:48 PM »
ooOOOOooo.... leaving clues for youself?  :o hmmm
This is really a good start!
Some of the sentences don't really flow? (That might just be me though) I would like to see a little more discription about the surroundings and mabe what they are using to cut the arm?
I like it! 
keep it up!
http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,8367.0.html

"Artists who seek perfection in everything are those who cannot attain it in anything."
- Gustave Flaubert

Offline suupertramp

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Re: Blackout
« Reply #2 on: December 28, 2012, 05:09:45 PM »
yeah i have already edited my own version loads. looking back (already?) i notice i repeated quite a few phrases and ideas, as you said it would be nice to add new description and remove the redundant statements.

my cousin and i had the initial idea about half a year ago, and last night i couldnt sleep and fleshed the whole story out :P

sorry about the bad flow, not only is this my first time writing in aaages, but i didnt really think about what i was writing (man its hard to write), and just wrote what came to me. definitely got a lot to improve on.

if i make enough changes i will edit my original post....scrap that ill edit it now and later :P

this is my first story i have ever even got out of my head so i feel quite excited as well :P

Offline Synegg

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Re: Blackout
« Reply #3 on: December 28, 2012, 05:39:51 PM »
Ooo this sounds cool :D Love your decision to use first person for this kind of story I think that fits perfectly. Amnesia stories have always been my favorite, can't wait for more!

I'm trying to do something similar with my after life story as the MC tries to uncover the mysteries of his past reincarnations and those of his companions.

Offline suupertramp

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Re: Blackout
« Reply #4 on: December 29, 2012, 10:20:26 AM »
yeah i'm not too keen on amnesia stories as it is quite a clichéd plot point, but the story seemed to fit, as did the first person style, glad you liked it.
good luck working your story out as well :P

Offline suupertramp

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Re: Blackout
« Reply #5 on: December 29, 2012, 01:14:20 PM »
first chapter. i feel a bit more comfortable writing my story now, but i cant help but feel that what i am writing is complete rubbish. hopefully practise will help to iron out my problems :P i wish :P

Chapter 1 – Born in a warzone

I had a dream. I was desperately trying to remember something. But as I wake up, such strands of thought are lost as I open my eyes.

“Where I am I?” I wonder to myself.

My body feels sluggish so I survey my surroundings where I lie, waking for my body to wake up. I am in what would be best described as a cell, no more than 2 meters square in size. I cannot see too far in the darkness, but the room appears to be completely empty. As I push myself up into a sitting position, I feel a thin mattress behind me. Straining my eyes, I look around more carefully, but it is the only thing in the room.

There is a feint light which I can make out coming through a half open door in the centre of one of the walls. But before I can even stand up and leave the room, I hear shouts and footsteps echoing outside. As I wonder if they might be able to tell me where I am, gunshots echo loudly and I instinctively freeze. Who is shooting, and who are they shooting at?

I have no time to consider before my door is flung open and light floods the room. Perhaps this is the same person who was shooting? If they are, then I may be about to die, not even knowing why.

 As my eyes adjust to the light, I can make out the figure of a person in the doorway. Their height and build are that of a child, about 12 years old. They are looking directly at me, probably attempting to identify me. But as suddenly as he appeared, he turned and ran out of the room and down the corridor.

By reflex I reach out to stop him.
“Wait! Plea-“

I stop as I notice the blood on my hand. Jumping to my feet I try and wipe it off with my other hand, but not only is my other hand covered, but all the way up my left arm and all along my left side my clothes are stained a strong red. It appears I have been stabbed somewhere, but I have no recollection of being injured. Quickly I feel along my arm and body to feel for injuries, but I cannot feel anything unusual, if anything, I would say I felt perfectly fine. That would mean…..I killed someone?

I look around the room I already know is empty, perhaps hoping to find anything that would tell me what is going on, but the sudden feeling of my helplessness in the situation starts to realise on me and I start to panic, unable to cope with all the unanswered questions. I sprint from the room in desperation and turn the same direction as the child had run. They might have more of a clue than me, and I need to do something, anything is better than sitting around.

On leaving the room, I notice the building I am in seems to have been half destroyed; the walls and floors have gaping holes exposing the concrete and reinforcing steel that form the skeleton of the building. Wires and pipes are running in all directions, some of which are damaged. Sparks fly from electrical units in the floor and walls where they are broken. The building could collapse and I wouldn’t be surprised.

I sharply turn left at a junction and nearly fall through the hole that crosses the whole width of the corridor. The gap is too far to jump and I turn around without thinking and run the opposite way, the only other way I could have turned.

As I reach the end of the passageway, there is a large room with double doors, perhaps a hall of some kind. Perhaps other people would have made it here. I reach the doors and push them both, but they do not budge. I reach for the handle, but there is nothing on this door to open in from the outside. Among the damaged building, the doors appear completely untouched. I look left, and the passage continues as far as I can see with half of the overhead lighting circuit out.

Stopping for breath, I remember that the boy and I are not the only people here. Almost on cue, I hear the same shouts behind me. Turning around I can see a group of people dressed in camouflage and barely visible in the darkened surroundings. At least two are running towards me with rifles of some kind. I don’t know who they are, but my gut tells me to run. With no other ideas, I take my own advice and turn to the nearest door which is open.
Instantly a man stops and points his gun in my direction, but I am already inside the room. Gunshots echo out, and I know that they were aiming for me. I sense something near me, and as I look down, I see the same boy from earlier running past me to the door. He hasn’t noticed me, and judging by his speed, he had already been running before the gunshots started.

I manage to analyse the situation. The boy will undoubtedly be hit by the gunfire. I am the only one who can change this. Again trusting my instinct, I pull myself backwards using the door frame. In a fraction of a second I am travelling towards the corridor again. As I crouch down, I wrap my free arm around the boy’s waist, and jump forward with all my might. I am aiming for the door the opposite side. I am completely blocking the gunfire. I am about to be shot, protecting a random child, but I guess that’s ok.

As I fly across between the two doors, the gunfire does not stop. I feel two bullets hit my arm and leg, and a third scrape my side. But I have already hit the door, my momentum forcing it open. I cannot react to what I see. There is no floor; a large portion of the building is missing, the rubble a few floors lower, and nothing in between. I am already rotating from grabbing the child, and I will hit the ground on my back. Accepting my fate, I hold the boy tightly, protecting his head as we fall the two stories to the uneven ground below.

A fraction of a second before the impact, the entire floor we were on ignites and explodes in a bright display of red and yellow against the overcast sky. Now I know the reason why he was running so fast. But as I hit the ground like a ragdoll, I feel several bones break and the added weight of a person on top of me breaks my ribs. The boy is thrown from me and lands several meters away from me. I can see he is still breathing, which is more than I can say for me.

As my blood leaks out onto the rubble I lay on, I cannot help but feel something similar has happened before, but the pain is too much and everything goes blank. There is no way I can be saved. I am dead.
« Last Edit: December 29, 2012, 01:19:45 PM by suupertramp »

Offline Synegg

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Re: Blackout
« Reply #6 on: December 30, 2012, 01:02:43 AM »
I'm no good with grammar but there was something uncomfortable nagging at me on my first read through. Took a while to work out but I think it has to do with your first person style. I've read a couple of FPS and this story doesn't seem to flow as naturally yet. I think you use too many 'I's, especially for parts that are meant to be internal dialogue.

For example:
Quote
On leaving the room, I notice the building I am in seems to have been half destroyed

You can cut out 'I am in' because the reader already knows, or you can change it to 'I notice this building seems to have been'.

Good start so far keep it up :)

Offline suupertramp

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Re: Blackout
« Reply #7 on: December 30, 2012, 07:16:48 AM »
ahh thankyou for pointing that out.
when i was writing those pages i noticed i was using quite a lot of "I"s but didnt pay any attention to it. I'll give a shot at making it less "I" intensive.

you are absolutely right that it doesnt flow too well, i think thats just inexperience. it'll work out lol :P
thanks for your help!